The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Thursday April 9 [Vault]
Episode Date: April 9, 2026
Cast: Bert Weiss, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Melissa, Steve, Jeff, Wendy, Frank, Courtney, Mark Malkoff
Episode Overview
This episode delivers the Bert Show’s signature blend of banter, real-life listener dilemmas, and humor, focusing on dating “out of your league,” a jaw-dropping accidental hookup-with-family scenario, a skeptical psychic reading, and a fascinating interview with a man living on airplanes to conquer his flying phobia. The team and callers navigate through dating games, honesty in relationships, and self-deprecating jokes while engaging directly with the audience, keeping the mood lively and authentic.
Key Segments & Discussion Highlights
1. Frank Dates “Out of His League”
[02:07 – 13:04]
Summary
Frank, who recently met an exceptionally attractive woman, seeks advice from the Bert Show cast and listeners on how to handle their first date without seeming too eager—or too aloof.
Discussion Points
- Initial Dilemma:
Frank describes meeting a “banging” girl, admits she's "out of his league" and wants advice for their dinner date.
- The Dating Game & Player Strategies:
The cast discusses classic "playing it cool" tactics—how not to appear desperate but also not uninterested.
- Listener & Cast Advice:
- Kim (Caller): "If you're confident and you act like you know what you want to do on the date, but not cocky... have a direction for the date." [06:34]
- Wendy (Cast): Don’t take her home too quickly; let her wonder about your intentions.
- John (Caller): "Whatever you do, do not kiss her that night. Worked for me—now we're married 12 years." [08:26]
- Light-hearted Banter:
Jokes about “marking territory,” watching the movie Hitch, and tongue-in-cheek advice about farting in the car.
Memorable Quotes
- Bert: "If she's that far out of your league... you gotta try this weekend." [02:34]
- Steve: "You just have to be a little more of a challenge." [06:14]
- Wendy: “If you make her not go to your place and just kind of blow her off... she’s gonna be like, ‘why didn’t he invite me over?’” [07:19]
Notable Moments
- Suggestions for Atlanta date spots: 10 Degrees South, Bazaar, Six Feet Under, the Glen rooftop, and even the Outback Steakhouse bar.
- The team promises to check in with Frank on Monday to see how the date went.
2. Courtney’s Wild Dilemma: Accidentally Hooking Up with Her Boyfriend’s Dad
[15:36 – 30:31]
Summary
Courtney calls in, voice-disguised, sharing a shocking personal story: she suspects she once slept with her current boyfriend’s father, years before she knew her boyfriend.
Discussion Points
- The Backstory:
- Years ago: Courtney briefly dates someone post-divorce, includes a hookup.
- A year ago: She starts dating a younger man met online. Things get serious.
- This week: Boyfriend invites her to a Father's Day party, shows her a photo, and the realization sets in.
- Moral/Emotional Dilemma:
Does she reveal the truth? Hope the father doesn’t remember? Try to avoid the party?
- Cast & Caller Reactions:
- Universally, most believe the father will remember and the situation is likely to blow up eventually.
- Jeff’s boundary-pushing questions spark laughter and “ewwwws.”
- Suggestions include radically changing her appearance, never telling, or just being honest early.
- Ultimately, many (including callers) advise honesty—telling the boyfriend before circumstances force the issue.
- Emotional Tone:
Courtney is distressed; the cast oscillates between empathy, humor, and incredulity.
Memorable Quotes
- Courtney: "I think I may have slept with my boyfriend’s father." [16:21]
- Jeff: “...You will have to interact with his father, which means you have had multi-generational junk touching you.” [21:01]
- Bert: "If Jessica says, 'oh, my god, I slept with your dad in the past.' Done. Relationship over." [26:08]
- Melissa: "The more she does behind his back, the worse it's going to be when he finds out." [26:36]
- Robin (Caller): “She really needs to be honest and just tell him. She has to tell him.” [27:31]
- Jeff: “Maybe you could rekindle the stuff and just tell the guy it’s a Father’s Day gift from his son...” [27:42]
Notable Moments
- Some cast members suggest wild cover stories; others try to analyze the consequences (“Oh my god, your dad inappropriately touched me!”).
- The segment ends with Courtney considering whether to go to the party or just hope for a miraculous escape, promising an update on Monday.
3. Psychic Reading Skepticon: The “Bircho Psychoff”
[33:12 – 43:00]
Summary
Melissa shares her experience with a “psychic” at a themed party in Los Angeles, part of a summer-long challenge to see which psychic can deliver the most accurate readings.
Discussion Points
- The Reading:
- Very generic predictions: Someone had offered Melissa a job in the past; she’s keeping her cool and “going with the flow”; might have “heartache” at work; ultimately, she is “the queen of wands” and will “come out on top.”
- Cast’s Response:
- The crew lampoons the obvious, universally applicable nature of the reading.
- Jeff performs a 10-second spoof reading to demonstrate the banality.
- Psychic’s Predictions:
- “You have enough money to live on your own” [which Melissa and others find laughable].
- “A promotion or advancement” could await Melissa.
Memorable Quotes
- Melissa (sarcastically): “Someone has offered me a job in the past. And I wanted to say his name was Bert Weiss.” [36:24]
- Jeff: “You could do that same reading for a seventh grader.” [37:01]
- Psychic: “This card means a proposal... somebody has offered you a job in the past.” [36:12]
- Bert: “So at some point, you will have a heartache with a job.” [39:20]
Notable Moments
- The psychic’s vague, cold-read style predictions are roundly mocked.
- The Bert Show team debates who will win their “Psychoff.”
4. Mark Malkoff: Life on Airplanes to Cure Fear of Flying
[45:50 – 54:21]
Summary
Mark Malkoff joins the show to discuss his journey attempting to conquer his fear of flying by spending 30 consecutive days living and sleeping on AirTran planes.
Discussion Points
- The Project:
- Mark’s setup: sleeps in row 22, exercises in the aisle, washes his hair in airplane sinks, and relies on wet wipes.
- His motivation: crush his flying phobia through mass exposure.
- Daily Life:
- He’s flown around the world 1.24 times in just over a week (“67-68 hours of flight last week”).
- Meals are sourced from airports and airplane snacks; his wife visits him on weekends.
- Constantly surrounded by strangers, only rarely alone for “private time.”
- Support:
- AirTran is a partner, allowing him to produce video content and enjoy full access.
- Online community support: regular Twitter and MySpace engagement.
- Health Concerns:
- Jokes about radiation, lack of showering, and the “aromatics” of living on a plane.
Memorable Quotes
- Mark: “I live on the plane. I sleep on the plane at night. I wash my hair in the airplane bathroom in the morning. I jog to get some exercise in the aisles. This is my existence.” [46:38]
- Bert (joking): “You understand the words just came out of your mouth, right? 'Outside of the radiation, this has been a great experience.'” [51:00]
- Mark: “If you come on the flight, I might ask you to hold me.” [52:28]
Notable Moments
- “Ear muffins” moment — Bert delicately asks about Mark’s intimacy with his wife under these weird circumstances.
- Mark’s openness and good humor about the oddities and challenges of his adventure.
- Bert and Melissa both express horror at the idea of doing something similar to conquer their own flying fears.
Final Notes & Episode Tone
- The Bert Show remains witty, relatable, and irreverently honest in facing real-life drama and oddball adventures.
- Listener engagement is strong through live calls, adding community flavor and multiple perspectives.
- The show balances heavy, awkward, and light-hearted content, never shying from poking fun at themselves or at the ridiculousness of life’s dilemmas.
Timestamps for Key Segments
| Segment Topic | Timestamps |
|------------------------------------------------|--------------|
| Frank’s Dating Dilemma | 02:07–13:04 |
| Courtney’s Shocking Family Hook-Up Story | 15:36–30:31 |
| Psychic Reading & The Bircho Psychoff | 33:12–43:00 |
| Mark Malkoff’s Flying Challenge | 45:50–54:21 |
Best for: Listeners who enjoy real, comedic, and sometimes jaw-dropping relationship dilemmas; curious about social experiments; and fans of snappy, unscripted radio banter.
Expect: Empathy, laughter, advice, and just a dash of chaos—classic Bert Show energy.
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