The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Thursday, December 18 [Vault]

Host: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & others)
Date: December 18, 2025

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode is a classic, laugh-filled morning show centering on audience interaction, cast self-reflection, and spicy relationship talk. The signature Bert Show authenticity shines as they invite listeners to “read between the lines,” surfacing both fun and brutally honest opinions about the cast and their dynamics. The second half jumps into a crowd-sourced brainstorming of tips for spicing up long-term relationships, ultimately ending with a prank "phone scam" segment.

Key Segments & Insights

1. Read Between the Lines: Listener Perceptions of the Show

(Starts ~01:03)

• Concept: Listeners call in and share what they “sense” about cast members that isn't said outright. Cast members wrestle (often humorously, sometimes painfully) with the rule that they cannot defend or directly respond to critiques about themselves.

• Discussion Points:

  • Bert's Self-Criticism: Listeners think Bert is too hard on himself and underestimates his own comedic contributions.
    • “There were a lot of times that bits would go by...we think that they're funny as hell. And it's like you just beat yourself up about it so bad.” (Caller, 02:18)
  • Jeff’s Persona: Accused of being a “big front”—not as much of an “ass” as he portrays.
  • Jen and Lindsay Tension: Multiple callers sense unresolved cattiness and possible jealousy from Jen toward Lindsay, another (former) cast member.
    • “Every time the subject of Lindsay comes up, she takes a stab...I just think Jen probably is very, very catty...she is completely jealous of Lindsay.” (Caller, 03:15)
    • “I think Jen has realized that she'll always be second fiddle to Lindsey.” (Bert, 05:33)
  • Melissa’s Sexuality and Attitude toward Men: One caller theorizes Melissa became a lesbian due to being “burned by a man.” The cast lightly rebuffs this stereotype, clarifying with off-air knowledge.
    • “I pick up on her being a real, real man hater because of it. And I think that's why she's a lesbian.” (Eddie, 06:59)
    • “Melissa's first experience was with a woman and I don't think it has anything to do with men.” (Kristin, 07:41)
  • Jen’s Depth: Critiqued as shallow—knows lots about entertainment, little about “substance” issues.
    • “She seems to know things about like entertainment and stuff, but things of substance...I don't think she really knows about it.” (David, 08:45)
  • Show’s Uneasiness with Race Discussions: Noted that the room instantly tenses when race comes up.
    • “Any discussions that have to do with race...the show absolutely, positively cringes.” (David, 09:31)
  • General Show Dynamics: Some listeners feel Jen is underappreciated and deserves more airtime; others find Bert's “man crushes” and whining tiring.
    • “I love this show. Except for Burt. I mean, I just don't see why it's the bird show.” (Sherry, 12:49)

• Cast Reactions: The “no defense” rule quickly crumbles; they find it nearly impossible not to clap back or clarify, highlighting the challenge of vulnerability and honesty in live radio.

  • “We cannot do anything without getting defensive.” (Bert, 12:45)
  • “I don't like self discovery. I like living in my own little bubble.” (Bert, 10:42)

• Memorable Moment:

  • The segment ends with Bert comedically refusing to ever do “self-discovery” on air again:
    “We're never doing these ever again.” (Bert, 11:51)

2. Spicing Up Long-Term Relationships

(Starts ~14:24)

• Overview: Launching from a listener's question about a stale marital sex life jumpstarted only after her husband visits a strip club, the cast and listeners brainstorm creative ways to invigorate long-term intimacy.

• Listeners’ & Hosts’ Advice:

  • Adult Entertainment as a Spark: Watching adult movies together suggested, but with caveats about the camera work being a “mood killer.”
    • “The problem with those adult videos is sometimes that they just get so close up and so graphic that it can take you right out of the mood.” (Bert, 16:12)
  • Novelty & Public Locations: Many advocate trying new places, including cars, parks, even an empty house in a new subdivision.
    • “We like weird places… I tried the park, the expressway. I actually went to a strip club with him, and it was my idea, and I think I was more turned on than he was.” (Shamika, 17:31)
  • Role Play & Fantasies: One caller suggests role play—being your partner's “private dancer” to recreate strip club excitement.
  • Joint Brainstorming: Emphasis on couples deciding together what excites them, rekindling “how it felt when you were sneaking around as teens.”
  • Sensual Touch & Communication: Sensual massages, “sweet nothings” whispered during the day, and even “oral pleasure while driving” are recommended.
    • “My words of wisdom would be one: a sensual massage…always works because the Asian massage parlors seem to be making a lot of money at it.” (Kimberly, 19:25)
  • Creative Gestures: Pedicures, shoe shopping, wine tastings, and even picking out sexy clothing for your partner.
    • “Get into your partner with shampooing her hair. Baths are much better than showers because you can give each other a bath. I found out how to give them pedicures. Pedicures. I take her shoe shopping…picnics are always good.” (Nate, 21:46)
  • Cast Banter: They rib “Nate,” a devout husband with a lengthy list of romantic skills; female callers immediately express interest.
    • “You play with a girl's feet, you got her. You got her.” (Nate, 23:18)

• Memorable/Comedic Moments:

  • The hosts joking about roleplay as “real estate agents” after a caller describes sex in an empty house.
  • Kristin, on public displays: “I mean, that's the feeling you had back then. And so it just kind of recreates the feeling if you try that as an adult.” (18:18)

3. Phone Scam Prank: "Profitability Upcharge"

(Begins ~25:35)

• Setup: The Bert Show’s Jeff calls “Carly” under the guise of an auto shop, claiming she’ll receive an extra $85 charge days after her repairs were completed—for the garage’s “profitability.”
• Notable Moments:
  • “Listen, let me bottom line it for you. We're doing a joint family vacation... we're all going to Dollywood.” (Jeff, 28:13)
  • Carly threatens to call her credit card company and gets properly riled up:
    “The bottom line is that I'm not gonna. That this is crap. I'm not gonna pay you guys because you guys aren't making any money, so you're charging people for work that hasn't even been done.” (Carly, 28:02)
  • After the reveal:
    “Oh my God. Dude, I was so pissed. You don't even know. I was on the phone…calling my credit card company just in case…” (Carly, 30:38)

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• "We cannot do anything without getting defensive."
  — Bert, 12:45 (on the difficulty of accepting listener critique)

• "Jen has realized that she'll always be second fiddle to Lindsay."
  — Bert, 05:33

• "Melissa's first experience was with a woman and I don't think it has anything to do with men. So just have to go ahead and set that straight."
  — Kristin, 07:41

• "The show absolutely, positively cringes [when race is discussed]. Like you can almost hear like, like icicles drop in your studio."
  — David (caller), 09:31

• "We're never doing these ever again."
  — Bert, 11:51 (in reference to self-discovery on air)

• "We decided to do it on the roof of the house."
  — Kimberly (caller), 20:04 (on creative locations for intimacy)

• "You play with a girl's feet, you got her. You got her."
  — Nate (caller), 23:18

Timeline of Sections & Timestamps

• [01:03] Read Between the Lines – Listener perceptions of the cast and on-air dynamics
• [14:24] Discussing how to reinvigorate intimacy in long-term relationships; practical, cheeky, and sometimes wild listener suggestions
• [25:35] Phone scam segment – “Profitability upcharge” car repair prank
• [31:17] (Wrap-up and short external promo follows)

Tone & Style

The Bert Show’s signature blend of self-effacing humor, camaraderie, and slightly outrageous banter is preserved throughout. They freely admit their flaws and poke fun at themselves and each other, even as some calls edge into slightly uncomfortable personal critique. The listener call-ins are treated with the mix of empathy, honesty, and sass the audience expects. The prank segment further lightens the mood, epitomizing their playful, real-talk morning show style.

Utility for New Listeners

This episode is a representative slice of The Bert Show’s vibe: real, unfiltered, and interactive—balancing relatable drama, practical advice, and comic relief. The “read between the lines” segment exposes the challenging reality of public personalities. The relationship advice is both actionable and hilarious, while the phone scam closes with a beloved Bert Show tradition. If you're new, expect candid vulnerability, uninhibited laughter, and an invitation to be in on the bit.