Full Show PT 2: Thursday, December 18 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Thursday, December 18 [Vault]

Host: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & others)
Date: December 18, 2025

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode is a classic, laugh-filled morning show centering on audience interaction, cast self-reflection, and spicy relationship talk. The signature Bert Show authenticity shines as they invite listeners to “read between the lines,” surfacing both fun and brutally honest opinions about the cast and their dynamics. The second half jumps into a crowd-sourced brainstorming of tips for spicing up long-term relationships, ultimately ending with a prank "phone scam" segment.

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Key Segments & Insights

1. Read Between the Lines: Listener Perceptions of the Show

(Starts ~01:03)

• Concept: Listeners call in and share what they “sense” about cast members that isn't said outright. Cast members wrestle (often humorously, sometimes painfully) with the rule that they cannot defend or directly respond to critiques about themselves.

• Discussion Points:

  • Bert's Self-Criticism: Listeners think Bert is too hard on himself and underestimates his own comedic contributions.
    • “There were a lot of times that bits would go by...we think that they're funny as hell. And it's like you just beat yourself up about it so bad.” (Caller, 02:18)
  • Jeff’s Persona: Accused of being a “big front”—not as much of an “ass” as he portrays.
  • Jen and Lindsay Tension: Multiple callers sense unresolved cattiness and possible jealousy from Jen toward Lindsay, another (former) cast member.
    • “Every time the subject of Lindsay comes up, she takes a stab...I just think Jen probably is very, very catty...she is completely jealous of Lindsay.” (Caller, 03:15)
    • “I think Jen has realized that she'll always be second fiddle to Lindsey.” (Bert, 05:33)
  • Melissa’s Sexuality and Attitude toward Men: One caller theorizes Melissa became a lesbian due to being “burned by a man.” The cast lightly rebuffs this stereotype, clarifying with off-air knowledge.
    • “I pick up on her being a real, real man hater because of it. And I think that's why she's a lesbian.” (Eddie, 06:59)
    • “Melissa's first experience was with a woman and I don't think it has anything to do with men.” (Kristin, 07:41)
  • Jen’s Depth: Critiqued as shallow—knows lots about entertainment, little about “substance” issues.
    • “She seems to know things about like entertainment and stuff, but things of substance...I don't think she really knows about it.” (David, 08:45)
  • Show’s Uneasiness with Race Discussions: Noted that the room instantly tenses when race comes up.
    • “Any discussions that have to do with race...the show absolutely, positively cringes.” (David, 09:31)
  • General Show Dynamics: Some listeners feel Jen is underappreciated and deserves more airtime; others find Bert's “man crushes” and whining tiring.
    • “I love this show. Except for Burt. I mean, I just don't see why it's the bird show.” (Sherry, 12:49)

• Cast Reactions: The “no defense” rule quickly crumbles; they find it nearly impossible not to clap back or clarify, highlighting the challenge of vulnerability and honesty in live radio.

  • “We cannot do anything without getting defensive.” (Bert, 12:45)
  • “I don't like self discovery. I like living in my own little bubble.” (Bert, 10:42)

• Memorable Moment:

  • The segment ends with Bert comedically refusing to ever do “self-discovery” on air again:
    “We're never doing these ever again.” (Bert, 11:51)

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2. Spicing Up Long-Term Relationships

(Starts ~14:24)

• Overview: Launching from a listener's question about a stale marital sex life jumpstarted only after her husband visits a strip club, the cast and listeners brainstorm creative ways to invigorate long-term intimacy.

• Listeners’ & Hosts’ Advice:

  • Adult Entertainment as a Spark: Watching adult movies together suggested, but with caveats about the camera work being a “mood killer.”
    • “The problem with those adult videos is sometimes that they just get so close up and so graphic that it can take you right out of the mood.” (Bert, 16:12)
  • Novelty & Public Locations: Many advocate trying new places, including cars, parks, even an empty house in a new subdivision.
    • “We like weird places… I tried the park, the expressway. I actually went to a strip club with him, and it was my idea, and I think I was more turned on than he was.” (Shamika, 17:31)
  • Role Play & Fantasies: One caller suggests role play—being your partner's “private dancer” to recreate strip club excitement.
  • Joint Brainstorming: Emphasis on couples deciding together what excites them, rekindling “how it felt when you were sneaking around as teens.”
  • Sensual Touch & Communication: Sensual massages, “sweet nothings” whispered during the day, and even “oral pleasure while driving” are recommended.
    • “My words of wisdom would be one: a sensual massage…always works because the Asian massage parlors seem to be making a lot of money at it.” (Kimberly, 19:25)
  • Creative Gestures: Pedicures, shoe shopping, wine tastings, and even picking out sexy clothing for your partner.
    • “Get into your partner with shampooing her hair. Baths are much better than showers because you can give each other a bath. I found out how to give them pedicures. Pedicures. I take her shoe shopping…picnics are always good.” (Nate, 21:46)
  • Cast Banter: They rib “Nate,” a devout husband with a lengthy list of romantic skills; female callers immediately express interest.
    • “You play with a girl's feet, you got her. You got her.” (Nate, 23:18)

• Memorable/Comedic Moments:

  • The hosts joking about roleplay as “real estate agents” after a caller describes sex in an empty house.
  • Kristin, on public displays: “I mean, that's the feeling you had back then. And so it just kind of recreates the feeling if you try that as an adult.” (18:18)

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3. Phone Scam Prank: "Profitability Upcharge"

(Begins ~25:35)

• Setup: The Bert Show’s Jeff calls “Carly” under the guise of an auto shop, claiming she’ll receive an extra $85 charge days after her repairs were completed—for the garage’s “profitability.”
• Notable Moments:
  • “Listen, let me bottom line it for you. We're doing a joint family vacation... we're all going to Dollywood.” (Jeff, 28:13)
  • Carly threatens to call her credit card company and gets properly riled up:
    “The bottom line is that I'm not gonna. That this is crap. I'm not gonna pay you guys because you guys aren't making any money, so you're charging people for work that hasn't even been done.” (Carly, 28:02)
  • After the reveal:
    “Oh my God. Dude, I was so pissed. You don't even know. I was on the phone…calling my credit card company just in case…” (Carly, 30:38)

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• "We cannot do anything without getting defensive."
  — Bert, 12:45 (on the difficulty of accepting listener critique)

• "Jen has realized that she'll always be second fiddle to Lindsay."
  — Bert, 05:33

• "Melissa's first experience was with a woman and I don't think it has anything to do with men. So just have to go ahead and set that straight."
  — Kristin, 07:41

• "The show absolutely, positively cringes [when race is discussed]. Like you can almost hear like, like icicles drop in your studio."
  — David (caller), 09:31

• "We're never doing these ever again."
  — Bert, 11:51 (in reference to self-discovery on air)

• "We decided to do it on the roof of the house."
  — Kimberly (caller), 20:04 (on creative locations for intimacy)

• "You play with a girl's feet, you got her. You got her."
  — Nate (caller), 23:18

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Timeline of Sections & Timestamps

• [01:03] Read Between the Lines – Listener perceptions of the cast and on-air dynamics
• [14:24] Discussing how to reinvigorate intimacy in long-term relationships; practical, cheeky, and sometimes wild listener suggestions
• [25:35] Phone scam segment – “Profitability upcharge” car repair prank
• [31:17] (Wrap-up and short external promo follows)

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Tone & Style

The Bert Show’s signature blend of self-effacing humor, camaraderie, and slightly outrageous banter is preserved throughout. They freely admit their flaws and poke fun at themselves and each other, even as some calls edge into slightly uncomfortable personal critique. The listener call-ins are treated with the mix of empathy, honesty, and sass the audience expects. The prank segment further lightens the mood, epitomizing their playful, real-talk morning show style.

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Utility for New Listeners

This episode is a representative slice of The Bert Show’s vibe: real, unfiltered, and interactive—balancing relatable drama, practical advice, and comic relief. The “read between the lines” segment exposes the challenging reality of public personalities. The relationship advice is both actionable and hilarious, while the phone scam closes with a beloved Bert Show tradition. If you're new, expect candid vulnerability, uninhibited laughter, and an invitation to be in on the bit.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line. But first.

[A]

Ah, there, the last one. Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes.

[C]

The Burt show.

[D]

Time for some Burt show self discovery.

[C]

Now to the person who called up and said, I can read between the lines on the Burt show and I can tell they got nothing right now, so they're talking about themselves. That's not true.

[B]

Huh?

[D]

Well, not entirely. Not entirely. Here's what we want. We're asking you if you've been a long term listener of the show, when you read between the lines, what do you hear that we're not saying?

[B]

Right.

[D]

Like you see through the smoke screen. Morning. All the hits. Q100.

[A]

Good morning, everybody. How's it going?

[D]

TC what's up?

[A]

Hey, what's going on?

[D]

What's going on?

[A]

Couple of things. The first thing that I pick up on the most is that Jeff is a big front. He's really not the big ass that he presents himself to be. You're wrong.

[D]

Okay, okay. Yeah. Part of it is that we're not allowed to agree or disagree or debate.

[B]

Right. I thought we were not answering. We're just.

[D]

Right, we're just listening.

[C]

You guys can comment about me because I certainly want to comment about you, but I don't think we can defend like, I can't say no. I am an ass. I don't think we can get defensive about what people observe about us because these are just observations.

[B]

Right, Exactly. That's why we're not saying anything.

[D]

Your perceptions of what you see between the line.

[A]

Okay, the other observation is, Bert, you do not give yourself enough credit. There were a lot of times that bits would go by on his show and I mean, we think that they're funny as hell. And it's like you just beat yourself up about it so bad. And that's, that's what I get by listening to you when you start to apologize, get all, you know, oh, well, you know, we didn't do such a great job here. There you Know, but you need to take the credit.

[C]

Okay, I'd agree with that.

[B]

I would totally agree with that.

[D]

All right, so we. I need to take more credit and just not the ass that he portrays himself out to be.

[C]

That's right. So I need to be more of an ass and you need to take more credit.

[D]

You need to take more credit for not being an ass.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Good morning. All the hits. Q100.

[A]

Good morning.

[C]

Hi.

[A]

I see something in Jen that I don't know whether anybody else has noticed.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I love Jen, sweetheart, but.

[C]

But here comes the big set, the ball on the tee.

[A]

Every time the subject of Lindsay comes up, she takes a stab. And sometimes it's under her breath. And none of y' all react to it and think we don't hear it, but she stabs at Lindsay. And I just think Jen probably is very, very catty. And I don't know what happened between her and Lindsey, but she is completely jealous of Lindsay.

[D]

Now, there might be two different things we're talking about here. Are you talking about Catt, Lindsay or caddy in general?

[A]

I think in general, but it comes out on the show towards Lindsay.

[D]

Okay. I would agree with the cattiness part of it.

[B]

I think there's a part of disagreeing.

[D]

Yeah, we're allowed to talk about the person. They're not allowed to comment on themselves. Yes. I think that Jenna's caddy dangerous.

[B]

I mean, the small of us having a coming commenting, but no, I don't.

[D]

Think it's towards Lindsay.

[A]

Well, if you'll remember, there was.

[C]

I would agree with that.

[A]

If you'll remember, there was a specific high profile person in Atlanta that was pursuing l A great deal and y' all would never say who it was. And then after Lindsey was gone and you all were talking about a certain high profile person in Atlanta quitting his position with a certain sports team and he was possibly moving to Atlanta, moving to Florida. And Jen under her breath goes Lindsey.

[D]

I don't recall.

[A]

Oh, I don't remember.

[B]

Kelly. I think the only comment I have since we're allowed to comment now is that I think sometimes when Jen is in a position of reaction is because the subject of Lindsay is used as a tool against her by the guys. So I think sometimes they're just trying to get a reaction out of Jen. And I think she holds herself pretty. Pretty high standard because a lot of times it's used as a. As a softball thrown to her that they expect her to head out.

[D]

And this again goes back to our conversation with. You can't really rib. Men can't rib women the way that we can rib each other, Especially about our job.

[A]

No. Well, I just want. I want Jen to know. I want Jen to know that, Jen, you are your own person. There is no competition with Lindsey. Lindsey was Lindsey. Jen is Jen. And we like you both the way you are, and there's no competition.

[C]

Even though you are never on the Real World and you don't get recognized everywhere you go. Yeah, I'd like to agree with the caller. I think Jen has realized that she'll always be second fiddle to Lindsey.

[B]

See this? That's the example. That's exactly that. That justifies what I just said.

[C]

Not second fiddle, just second choice.

[B]

And then they have to outdo each other. That's the other comment from Jeff. So see, and Jen is qu.

[D]

Jennifer, you're on all the hits. Q100. What do you see when you read between the lines on this show?

[A]

Hello.

[D]

You know what? I picked up Rob. Hold on, Rob. My bad. Morning, Jennifer.

[A]

Hey, everybody.

[B]

Good morning.

[A]

I think it's not only that Jen didn't like Lindsay. I think everybody didn't. I think it was the whole Lindsay's in our real world and it was overplayed and overrated and it seemed like everybody was just sick of Lindsay's.

[D]

When she left, she was wearing on us pretty thin.

[C]

We can't talk. We can't comment.

[B]

All right, I'll speak for not react. Okay.

[C]

I have to not react. I'll speak for Bert and Burke. You speak for me.

[D]

I just feel like being honest about that.

[C]

Yeah, I'll speak for you and you speak for me. Yeah, I couldn't stand her. Bert Weiss says.

[D]

There was a chemistry problem. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, you could definitely tell. All right.

[D]

Thank you for calling.

[A]

You're welcome.

[C]

Hazmat crew couldn't have fixed that chemistry problem.

[B]

Stop.

[A]

I can say that.

[C]

Can't comment.

[D]

Stop. I'm commenting for all of you.

[C]

If you can't, it's not fair.

[D]

Eddie, good morning.

[A]

Yes, I read between the lines that Melissa was burned pretty in a previous relationship by a guy. And I pick up on her being a real, real man hater because of it. And I think that's why she's a lesbian.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I would agree with that.

[A]

No way.

[C]

You can't agree with that.

[D]

She hates us breeders. It's not a natural thing. She just got burned by a man so bad badly one time that she decided that, hey, I'm gonna sleep with women instead.

[A]

Yeah, Because I can recall several times where she just Bashes men. Just makes comments, little subtle comments sometimes.

[C]

Kinda like Ken does about Lindsey.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Okay, since Melissa can't defend herself on that comment, I have to say something that we always talk about how our favorite conversation is sex. It is off the air too. Melissa's first experience was with a woman and I don't think it has anything to do with men. Why she likes women. So just have to go ahead and set that straight.

[A]

You can't do that.

[C]

You can't defend. You can comment on it, but I don't think you can speak.

[D]

I don't think we can defend somebody else. The record now shows we shouldn't be able to do that.

[C]

You can't defend.

[B]

Now that you said something. Now that I said something to defend you, we can't comment. No, that doesn't make any sense.

[D]

That's not what we're talking about.

[B]

That's my comment is that I don't think that I, I don't, I don't think that he's right.

[C]

He's disagreeing with the caller.

[D]

You're just being catty. Lindsay wouldn't act like that. Hey, David, you're on all this ridiculous.

[B]

We never should do anything so out of control. So self serving.

[C]

Nobody's called about Bert yet, so he's.

[D]

Like, I'm totally clean. Hey, David, go ahead.

[A]

Morning, Bert.

[D]

How you doing? Good, dude, how are you?

[A]

I'm great. Hey, two things about the show, two hidden things I kind of see come to the surface. One, Jen seems kind of shallow. And what I mean by that is she seems to know things about like entertainment and stuff, but things of substance, politics, economy, things of a general nature like that. I don't think she really knows about it. And it just seems like it comes to the surface. I don't really think she cares.

[C]

I would agree with that.

[A]

Okay, you're not allowed to comment now. Easy caddy Jen.

[C]

Meow.

[A]

The other part that, that I get that comes out is any discussions that have to do with race the show, and I'm not saying one individual. The show absolutely, positively cringes. Like you can almost hear like, like icicles drop in your studio.

[D]

Sure.

[C]

And, and killing me, I know it's.

[A]

Killing me not to comment that and not. And I'm not saying Bert, I'm not saying Jen or Melissa or Jeff because, you know, Jeff's not real smart enough to comment on this. But in terms of those, those are the two things. But I will say this. I do love the show. I do listen quite often and it's a lot of fun. And I think Melissa likes ladies because that's her preference and that's what she likes. And God bless her. Have a nice day.

[C]

God bless her for loving the ladies.

[D]

Oh, it's so hard not to comment.

[B]

It is so hard.

[D]

It's impossible not to comment. Tiffany, we just lost her. Tiffany's comment was Melissa doesn't really like Jen is what she's hearing.

[C]

We're just throwing out the jabs at one Jen hobby today. I have a comment. I think the show would be better without Jen. I think, I don't think Jen should be alive.

[D]

I don't think. Here's my comment. I don't think we should ever do these ever again. I don't like self discovery. I don't like self discovery. I like living in my own little bubble.

[B]

But we're too defensive of a show. The thing is like it's, I think it's a great idea because I am honestly curious about what people think. But you all cannot, especially the guys, can't not comment.

[D]

See that comment, that comment right there, that shot at us guys is because.

[B]

I'm saying it in. The reason I say that is because Jen got, I mean Jen made a comment because I couldn't because it was established that the, the subject of the, you know, comments could not talk. Everybody else could. So Jen did. And then you guys, and yes, your guys attacked Jen for saying something. But then you all have been talking the whole time.

[D]

But no, see it was, oh, this is moronic.

[B]

So that's what I'm saying is we can do that. But I think my comment were. I don't, I still don't.

[C]

You were blatantly defending Melissa like you were saying.

[D]

You were saying if you agree with.

[B]

The caller like Jeff did the whole time, you're allowed to make a comment. But if you disagree with the caller, you're not allowed to make a comment.

[C]

No, you're not. You can't speak for Melissa.

[B]

So my thing is that I feel like that's a great idea but it just really just have to roll through the calls without saying a word.

[D]

We're never doing these ever again.

[C]

You know what, this is destructive with this. Would it be better if we would the retell. What would it be? The response, the whatever, the more light hearted response to this. What if we came back from this and we all went around the room and we addressed what we think our own, the own biggest misconception is about ourselves. So it could be something that was just addressed that'll be helpful.

[B]

I'm more curious about what the callers, honestly, because I can't. I have no idea what the misconception is. There's some lit up. So I think we could do another round of it. And like Melissa said, you guys just keep your mouth shut.

[D]

I think my insight more than anything else is that people don't care. Us talking about ourselves.

[A]

Yes, we do. We're not.

[B]

They're talking about us.

[D]

I really don't. I don't think so.

[C]

They love it.

[B]

You brought it up in the first place.

[C]

You know what?

[D]

And I want to take the whole thing back. I just think it's stupid. These things are. These things are never happening.

[C]

I don't think it's fair that everybody got a call but you.

[D]

Here, I got one.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

This will make you guys feel about things.

[B]

We cannot do anything without getting defensive.

[D]

Go ahead, Sherry, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[A]

Yes. I just wanted to say that I love this show. Except for Burt. I mean, I just don't see why it's the bird show.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I don't get enough of Melissa, don't get enough of Jen. And I think Jen is underappreciated. She brings lightheartedness. She's fun and burnt. The man crushes the whining.

[D]

See, now, this really isn't reading between the lines, is it?

[A]

No. Sorry. I kind of was venting.

[D]

Well, go on. If it's gonna make you feel better and we can move on, go ahead.

[A]

And then you kept me going for months with the whole Aaron thing. That was, you know, pretty bad. But it's a great show and I love it.

[B]

That's what we should. Now that we have our vent bet this week, instead of having read between the lines, let's just have the vent line, right? The Birch show vent line.

[D]

And then we can see people that hate us or hate us individually or hate the show. Another constructive bit. Dumb idea. They are never doing these ever again.

[C]

They're genius. They're great.

[D]

They're genius because somebody on the show gets hurt or everybody gets hurt. And you think that's great.

[C]

Nobody who's really hurt by what they said.

[A]

Who's gonna get hurt?

[C]

Cause we all know as radio personalities that there are a lot of people.

[A]

Who like us, obviously.

[C]

And there's a lot of people who.

[B]

Are gonna hang out. People are frustrated right now because we are talking more than we allow the listeners to talk in this whole bit. That was for the listeners.

[D]

Let's move on. This is just moronic. Can we move on? Let's move on. You're the one in charge of the button.

[C]

I'm for round. Let's keep it going.

[B]

All right.

[D]

You guys really think we should do it again?

[C]

Yeah, no, the bird show.

[D]

So we took a call from Jackie about 20 minutes ago, and she was really concerned. She's been married five years and she said that her sex life with her husband has really kind of gotten stale. And he went out one night to a strip club with a whole bunch of his friends and came back and tapped her on the shoulder and tapped a couple other body parts too. And she said it was just awesome. Like something happened there that hasn't happened happened in years and years and years. And then a few weeks after that, he went to his strip club again and came home and things were fantastic again. And she's gotten a little insecure about it. Like, he's getting all turned on by these women and he's coming home and he's having sex with her. But really what we figured out while we were talking to Jackie was it had very little to do with the strip clubs and just all about routine.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Had their. I think their sex life has gotten boring because neither one of them are really actively doing anything to spice it up between themselves. And so the only time it's spiced up is when he's gone somewhere else and. And gotten aroused somewhere else and come home. So now what we're talking about is how have couples in long term relationships kept their, you know, sex life spicy?

[D]

Spicy.

[A]

Spicy.

[B]

That was in the middle of the word.

[A]

I thought.

[B]

I've already used spice. What can I use?

[D]

Sounded like the tape wobble there a little bit spicy.

[B]

I'm really not a computer generated DJ.

[C]

Where they can spice things up and make things fun in the bedroom there.

[D]

That would spice it up. You start talking and sexy to him like that. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Watch out.

[A]

Has that worked for you, Jeff?

[C]

Hey, you want me to get spicy?

[B]

Jessica's on the way here and she is already hot. Yeah.

[C]

Hey, Lynn.

[D]

Yeah, go ahead, suggest. How do you get out of that routine and make things exciting again?

[A]

I think that they should watch some adult videos.

[D]

Adult videos together.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Definitely.

[D]

The problem with those adult videos is sometimes that they just get so close up and so graphic that it can take you right out of the mood. Like there should never be that the cam that close.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And if you're gonna see skin bumps.

[D]

Yeah, right.

[B]

You can see the skin bumps.

[D]

That's too close.

[C]

I don't Want to see a razor burn shot? Right.

[D]

The speed bag cam. That's the one. That's the shot. And I know exactly you know which one I'm talking about.

[A]

No.

[D]

Yeah, I'll take you right out of the mood. Quick morning. All the hits. Q100.

[A]

Hello, my name is Shamika. I've been in a relationship for seven years. And we've been. Been through our boring times. And how we fixed it was. Both of us knew it was getting bored. I mean, come on. He obviously know, too, because he's participating. And we just sat down. We came up with ideas that turned both of us on, and we applied them. You know when you feel like it's getting boring because it's gonna start back getting boring again, you come up with something that not only turns him on, but you. And it's just like starting all over again.

[B]

Any suggestion for Jackie? Like, what is one of the ideas y' all came up with?

[A]

Well, we like weird places.

[B]

Careful.

[D]

Yeah, very careful.

[A]

Weird places.

[B]

Weird places.

[D]

Weird places. You mean, like public places?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Like, where would a public place be, just out of curiosity?

[A]

Well, we. I tried the park, the expressway. I actually went to a strip club with him, and it was my idea, and I think I was more turned.

[C]

On than he was.

[A]

And so now sometimes he's like, hey, they're going to the strip club. You want to go? You know, so I mean, it's just. You have to be creative anywhere, any.

[B]

And what's cool is that you guys sat down together and came up with that list, that it was something that was, you know, it was like it wasn't just him coming up with ideas or just you coming up with ideas. It's cool that y' all sat down, actually came up with them together. That's cool. Yeah, I think that, you know, because I'm sure this is common for all couples, because when you're, like, in. When you're younger and you're not married, and then you. Because, like, one place that I, you know, that would be spicy to me spicy was. Was a car. Because, like, when you're younger and you have nowhere else to go, and you're in the car, and it's sneaky and it's exciting, and you could get, you know, somebody could come up and catch you. I mean, that's the feeling you had back then. And so it just kind of recreates the feeling if you try that as an adult.

[D]

I've tried to get covert about it every now and then. Like, we get Cosmo at our House and I'll thumb through it. And sometimes there's some advice in there for women when it comes to sleeping with guys. That is right on. Like I read it and I'm like, oh, I bet that would be good. And I will set that cosmo down on the kitchen table with that page open in hopes that she goes right by it and starts reading it.

[C]

Oh my God. What if George Ann reads it?

[B]

It.

[C]

Mother in law comes in, reads that, can't control herself. You're there.

[D]

That's nice. Way icky factors.

[C]

Good morning.

[D]

All the hits. Q100.

[C]

I'm not the one who wrote the song. Stacy's mom.

[D]

Hi, Kim.

[A]

Hi. This is Kimberly. My words of wisdom would be one a sensual massage. You know, get. Get some oil or some lotion and dim the lights and do a little central massage. Always works because the Asian massage parlor seemed to be making a lot of money at it. Also, you know, I think give a little jingle in the middle of the day and whisper some naughty sweet nothings into his ear. You know, again, that's always a little bit of a stimulation. And also with taking it out of the bedroom, you know, when you're riding around the car, I've always found this work. A little oral pleasure while driving is really, really a good, good thing to do. And that would be my advice for her.

[D]

Things were getting a little stale, so we decided to do it on the roof of the house.

[B]

Yeah, those are considered all good. Those are great. Except if the sweet nothings and stuff. Some people aren't good at talking dirty. So if you know that about yourself, you shouldn't try it because sometimes I.

[D]

Can take you right out. And the massage is a little overrated too, because isn't it fact that a woman will give massage for like half an hour, then when it's dude's turn, we just put the oil on it. Five minutes if you're lucky. Five minutes. Yeah.

[B]

No, if you do it right. That's good.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, that's great advice.

[D]

I would say that the woman should probably get her massage first, though.

[B]

You go first. Yeah, you go first. Should always be the line out of.

[D]

Her mouth when ad. Hey, go ahead.

[A]

I tell you what really helped me and my husband out. We live, we work close together and we met for lunch at a new subdivision in a completed house that was completely, completely empty.

[D]

Oh, nice.

[A]

In the middle of the bedroom. And it's carpet. I mean, it was comfortable, but kind of the risk. And it was under contract, so someone.

[C]

So you marked it.

[D]

Yeah, Made it Your own.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

We. We thought about it, like, all day afterwards. It was. It really worked.

[D]

So we gotta play roll. We gotta. We gotta role play and play. Real real estate agents. I come in my gold jacket.

[A]

Hi.

[D]

Why? Let me show you the living room.

[C]

You're gonna come home. There's gonna be a sign in your front yard with Stacy's face on it. You know the number? 404. 4.

[B]

Stacy, the square footage in here is incredible.

[C]

Have you seen the views out of the back? And the neighbor let you borrow his pool. Do you want to go to the pool?

[D]

Hey, Nate.

[A]

Hey.

[D]

Yo, guys.

[A]

What's up?

[D]

What is up?

[A]

Hey, look, this is what I found. It really, really works. Get into your partner with shampooing her hair. Baths are much better than showers because you can give each other a bath. I found out how to give them pedicures. Pedicures. I take her shoe shopping. You know, women love shoes.

[C]

Jen's done.

[D]

Jen's filing for divorce today.

[B]

Call me later.

[A]

And not only shoes, but sexy clothing. Sexy clothing. If, you know, you want to go out with your lady and you want her to look good, you go pick out the outfit with her. Picnics are always good. And, you know, experiencing new things together, like going to Chateau, doing the wine tasting thing and stuff like that.

[B]

There is no way you're single. People are. Are you single?

[A]

Yes, I am.

[B]

Oh, people are going to call up for you, dude.

[D]

Oh, here we go. We're going to have to get. We're going to put you on hold, get your number, because the phone calls are going to start coming in. Are you divorced?

[A]

Yes, I am.

[D]

Okay. How long were you married?

[A]

I was married for seven years.

[D]

So you realized all this stuff after you got divorced, or.

[A]

No, this all happened, actually during the marriage and everything, but some people just can't appreciate a good guy, man.

[B]

I. I'm warm.

[D]

You talking the game, bro?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He said. What do you say? He's shoes.

[A]

Shoes, wine.

[B]

I mean, like, he said all the key words. Chateau Lant, massages and pedicures.

[D]

I mean, dude, there's gotta be something wrong. What's wrong with you, dude? You got, like, somebody in your trunk right now.

[A]

Nah, look, you play with a girl's feet, you got her. You got her.

[D]

Hey, Nate, hold on. I'm sure we're getting calls for you.

[A]

Hold on.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

He's the dirty shoe salesman.

[B]

They want to date. Nate.

[D]

Morning, Christina.

[A]

Hey. I am right with Nate, by the way. Like, he sounds like a terrific guy, and I am single, so here they come. I'm all about a pedicure. But no, what I was going to say for the young lady that called in is try maybe some role playing.

[B]

Some what?

[A]

Role playing.

[D]

Like where you just show up at a bar and he's there and you're just. Yeah, you're a single girl.

[A]

I mean, yeah, you can do that at the bar, but you can do it at your house also, like she said, he was going to the adult entertainment venues and that that was, you know, doing something for him. Well, why don't she be his private dancer?

[C]

Why don't we try it now? Why don't you pretend to be a caller to a radio show, and Nate will pretend to be a caller to a radio, and then you can get a pedicure, and we'll see what happens from there.

[A]

That's a possibility.

[D]

Yeah. It's gonna be impossible for us to continue this because everybody's calling up wanting a date with Nate. Hey, Nate.

[A]

Hey. Yeah?

[D]

You ever hear a single guy pager?

[A]

Do I have a single guy pager?

[C]

No, there's. We can't do single guy pager with him.

[D]

Why?

[C]

Because there's a name that's too easy. Date Nate.

[D]

Date Nate. Same premise, different. What? Did you say that already?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay. It was good then too.

[A]

That works for me.

[D]

Hey, let's bring. Let's bring you in next week, okay? And we'll tell you all about single guy page. Because now the phone lines are just lit up with everybody that wants to go out with Nate.

[A]

Cool.

[D]

Date Nate.

[B]

He's got a good voice.

[C]

Isn't that great?

[A]

That sounds great.

[D]

Isn't that great, Nate?

[A]

Hey. Made a phone call and got a hookup.

[D]

Hello?

[C]

We'll have you on next week just after eight.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

All right, so we will continue that tomorrow.

[C]

Hopefully you find a girl and then you can meet.

[B]

I mean, I've never heard of a guy say that he learned how to do pedicures and did pedicures on his woman. I've never heard that. I mean, he's. Yeah, all these guys need to take notes.

[D]

He's talking a good game.

[C]

Even in your world, does he rate?

[D]

We're gonna go into Dr. Seuss mode now. Was it fate he called?

[A]

Oh, here we go.

[D]

You're up.

[C]

Not gonna get me with that bait to talk about how to rate Nate. Hurry up, crash. You're gonna be late.

[D]

The bird show. All right, Jeff. Brand new Burchill phone scam.

[C]

Calling up a woman who had some car repairs done and, you know, she's got her car back and everything's. Working, but I dial her up because I need to talk to her about the added charges we're gonna put on her credit card.

[A]

Hello?

[C]

Hi, I'm looking for Carly.

[A]

Yes, this is.

[C]

Hey, Carly. How are you?

[A]

I'm good. Who's this?

[C]

This is Jim Danic, the. I was the one you were dealing with the most when you brought your car in.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Working okay?

[A]

Yeah, it's working fine now.

[C]

All right, according to the paperwork here, we did some brake work and we did the timing belt and. Okay. And then fuel injector stuff and. All right, listen, I just want to give you a heads up. Tomorrow morning, as you know, as indicated when you were in here, tomorrow morning, we're going to be doing the upcharge of $10 an hour. And you. We were on your car for eight and a half, so it's 85 bucks.

[A]

No, when I picked my car up, I paid for it. Like I paid for everything when I picked it up.

[C]

Right. But as explained that if the garage, on average, if it's not turning the profit that it should be, we can upcharge any customer we've had within the past 30 days. So we're up charging everybody an extra 10 bucks an hour.

[A]

I paid a lot of money to get my car fixed.

[C]

Right. Well, when you filled out the paperwork, you indicated that you were okay with the upcharge.

[A]

I know that there's a parts and labor fee that goes.

[C]

Yeah, this is part of the labor.

[A]

But you're not doing any work on my car.

[C]

Right. The work's already done.

[A]

I know. That's what I'm just saying. You're not doing any work on my car. I've already been charged for it. So why are you going to be charging me for work that you're not doing?

[C]

It's the upcharge for the profitability. The garage. We're not making as much. We need to make money. Like, we need to have a living. You know, we need to put food on the table for our families. We need to go on vacations.

[A]

Well, yeah, but that's why you guys charge as much as you charge. I mean, I'm sure I got overcharged for. For whatever, you know, the small stuff that you guys did. I mean, you received every bell, every air filter, every. Everything that I actually didn't really need. And so now I actually paid more then I'm not going to pay more now. You don't even do anything to my car.

[C]

Right. Well, no, it's. But you agreed to it.

[A]

No, I didn't Agree to it.

[C]

It was. You signed the paperwork. It was in the fine print.

[A]

There's nothing. I have my receipt because I keep everything if I need to. I'll get my receipt, and I'll check over everything, and you'll see.

[C]

And you'll see the profitability upcharge. Listen, let me bottom line it for you.

[A]

No, there's no bottom. The bottom line is that I'm not gonna. That this is crap. I'm not gonna pay you guys because you guys aren't making any money, so you're charging people for work that hasn't even been done.

[C]

I'm gonna bottom line it for you. We're doing a joint family vacation. Todd and his wife and his two kids and me and June and our three kids. We're all going to die.

[A]

What the hell are you talking about?

[C]

You know what? If you would stop yelling at me. For your vacation. No, but we've already paid. We put the deposit down at Dollywood.

[A]

Are you telling me that you've already charged my credit card the amount of money this $80 that you say you've already charged my credit card?

[C]

Well, I was gonna make it 80, but you're so grumpy about it, I'm gonna make it 85, which is the. Oh, my God.

[A]

You know what? I'll call my credit card company now, and I'll tell them not. I'll tell them to cancel what I paid for you already.

[C]

I have your better business viewer.

[A]

I'm sure that they'll want to hear something like that. I've never heard of anything like this.

[C]

Well, maybe you should read the fine print.

[A]

I did. I read the receipt. I read the receipt.

[C]

Oh, man.

[A]

It says. It's exactly in there. It says parts. And you know what? I'm gonna get. Hold on. I'm gonna get that receipt. Cause that's ridiculous.

[C]

Have you ever met a person whose voice gets inside your head and then just bounces around like a ball in a racquetball court? Ugh.

[A]

What are you talking about?

[C]

Your voice is in my head.

[A]

Well, you're really starting to irritate me. You know what? Is your supervisor there? Because I don't think that this is. I've been so. Wait a second now. I've been coming there for all this time, and now I've never had a problem with. What is this thing, this upcharge, the profitability, and now all of a sudden. Profitability. Whatever bull that is that you're talking about. But that's not. I'm sorry. I paid for the service that my car was done and I'm done. Thank you.

[C]

The sound of your voice is pushing on the back of my arm.

[A]

You know what? I'll take care of it then. I'll just hang up on the telephone and if you decide to charge my card, then you can have your problem dealing with it then. So thank you. Have a good day.

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

Are you married? Are you married?

[A]

No, I'm not married. And I'm not talking to you. Thank you.

[C]

Boyfriend?

[A]

No.

[C]

Oh, no surprise there. Listen, it's.

[A]

You know what? Thank you. Bye.

[C]

Hello? Are you there? Hello?

[A]

Hello?

[C]

Hi, is this Carly?

[A]

Yes, it is.

[C]

It's Jim again. Jim, how you doing?

[A]

You know what?

[C]

Hold on.

[B]

Hold.

[C]

Your best friend Robin just phone scammed you. This is actually Jeff with the birch. Showed all the hits. Q100.

[A]

What?

[C]

And she thought this would be funny. It's like a joke.

[A]

Oh my God. Dude, I was so pissed. You don't even know. I was on the phone. I was on hold actually, right now calling my credit card company just in case somebody had tried to call and charge my card because I figured that it would be that I would call beforehand. Oh my God. You don't understand. Cause they totally ring me anyway when I pay for my car in the first place.

[C]

No offense, but you really do have one of those voices.

[A]

Gee, thanks.

[C]

And laughs.

[A]

Yeah, thanks. We will. We will scam you.

[D]

Hey, the bird show.

[A]

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[B]

So you can never stop working The.

[A]

Dream Season 4 comes at you weekly. Starting Monday, January 20th, Acast helps creators.

[C]

Launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

[D]

Acast.com.