Transcript

Progressive Insurance Announcer (0:00)

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home and more. Plus you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it. So your dollar goes a long way. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance, Progressive Casualty Insurance company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.

BetterHelp Announcer (0:33)

BetterHelp Online Therapy bought this 30 second ad to remind you right now, wherever you are, to unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath in and out. Feels better, right? That's 15 seconds of self care. Imagine what you could do with more. Visit betterhelp.com randompodcast for 10% off your first month of therapy. No pressure, just help. But for now, just relax.

Bird (1:17)

The Bird show so I am in New Orleans over the weekend. I was out on Thursday and Friday because I was at a DJ convention which is almost a parody in its that there's a convention for this industry to teach you how to do. This is funny to me.

Burchell (1:29)

In itself we're trying to be sophisticated.

Bird (1:31)

It's not even that. Just either way, it's just a whole bunch of DJs kind of like one upping each other and yak yakking at each other. Do you wear name tags? Yes, you do. So there's like you know, Slammin Stevie and Shotgun Sammy. Absolutely, absolutely like that. So I'm out on, on Bourbon street on Saturday night and I went into the weekend with the intention of look, you know what, maybe I'll have a couple of beers, maybe I'll get a little itty bitty buzz on. But I, you know what, I'm just getting to the point now where I really kind of feel like it. I'm over it. Like I'm just over it. And I had those two things happen over the last six months which have really slapped me in the face and have just said look dude, it's time. It's time to retire and get out of the drinking industry. Okay.

BetterHelp Announcer (2:15)

Wow.

Bird (2:16)

I was at Vision months ago for the closing, you know, before they did the renovation and. Is that when you got hit with the beer bottle?

BetterHelp Announcer (2:21)

Yeah.

Stacy (2:22)

Summary

The Bert Show

Full Show PT 2: Thursday, January 15 [Vault]
Date: January 15, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Stacy, Burchell, plus callers

Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into two candid themes:

Turning Points in Alcohol Consumption: The cast and listeners share personal, often humorous or embarrassing "wake-up call" moments that led them to reevaluate their drinking habits.
Secrets Unveiled After Death: The team and callers discuss surprising, sometimes shocking things discovered about loved ones only after their passing.

As always, the tone is light, irreverent, and authentically honest, with the cast sharing openly and playfully ribbing each other and their audience.

Segment 1: When Did You Realize It Was Time to Slow Down on Drinking?

(Starts ~01:17)

Bert’s New Orleans Revelation

Bert recounts his experience at a DJ convention in New Orleans, reflecting on how recent rough nights have made him reconsider drinking.
- "I'm just getting to the point now where I really kind of feel like I'm over it." – Bert (01:31)
- Humorous visuals: name-tagged DJs like “Slammin Steve” and “Shotgun Sammy” one-upping each other.
Two pivotal events prompted Bert’s rethinking:
- Hit with a beer bottle at a club closing.
- Getting so drunk he vomited on himself in the shower at 3:30 AM.
  - "My wife carried me out of Vision. I looked like a wounded soldier." – Bert (02:24)
  - "I smell like cigarettes and I end up throwing up on myself in the shower." – Bert (02:44)
Stacy points out, it’s like Bert is taking a “sober look at drunk himself” and isn't impressed anymore. (02:48)

The Callers’ “Breaking Point” Stories

Caller John: Drank so much he accidentally professed love for his girlfriend’s best friend (after 22 Jäger bombs!).
- "I looked at my girlfriend and said, 'I love Karina.' And I got in a lot of trouble for that." (06:11)
- On his drinking aftermath: "I had about 22 Jaeger bombs at this point." (06:19)
Mary: Petite (5’2”), had nearly 17 Smirnoffs and multiple shots, hogged the bathroom for 9 hours after vomiting, woke up naked with a used condom on the counter.
- "I hog the toilet for nine hours. I wouldn’t let anybody go to the bathroom. I wouldn’t let anybody else throw up." (08:14)
Shannon: Got drunk after a bottle of Southern Comfort, delivered Burger King fries to the mayor of San Diego—and then puked them in his front yard.
- "I delivered the French fries in the form of vomit in his front yard." (09:27)
Audrey: Maid of honor at best friend’s wedding, got so hammered she projectile vomited all over the bar and wedding guests.
- "It wasn’t just puke, it was projectile vomiting—and it went all over everybody. All over the bar." (10:29)
Shay: College tequila binge, woke up to discover she’d mistaken a pail for the toilet, relieved herself by her bed.
- "I see a dump of doo doo on the side of my bed...it’s all in my sheets and my feet." (11:50)
- "To this day, I do not touch tequila." (12:17)
- The cast jokes, “You pooping on yourself in the house, that’s a pretty good indication you need to look at what’s going on.” (12:26)

Notable Quote

"Alcohol doesn't create it. It just found it." – Burchell on how drinking brings out hidden truths (07:21)

Segment 2: “Charlie and the Wedding Hook-up Challenge”

(Starts ~14:14)

Setup

“Charlie” calls in on the voice disguiser, discussing strategies for scoring at weddings — especially making fun of the bride & groom with receptive single guests.
- "The worse the groom, the better chance I have." – Charlie (14:20)
- Charlie is confident: "I give myself pretty good odds...I look good." (14:58)
Charlie plans to play the “nice guy but self-effacing” type at his sister’s friend’s wedding.

Outcome

On Monday, Charlie checks back in. Claims he "did get laid" with the bride’s unmarried (and “stunning”) sister, who was also a maid of honor.
- "I think she’s the one. I think I'm really in love with her. I'm gonna stay with her forever." – Charlie, dryly (17:03)
- Admits their mutual “bond” was partly over making fun of the other maid of honor (17:32).
Details their drunken hookup ("She was drinking mojitos and martinis"), but assures the cast: "I don't take advantage of anyone who's passed out. But if they're drunk, it's all right." (19:25)
- The cast razzes him: "That makes you a gentleman." – Burchell, sarcastic (19:31)
Says the encounter had to be "quick": "It was already like 4:30 in the morning, so it had to be quick. You know." (20:15)

Memorable Exchanges

"I just did it for you guys." – Charlie, playing up his “legend” for the show (20:23)
Bert’s skepticism: "We’re not sure if you’re telling the truth or not, but we just got to go with what we hear." (20:30)

Segment 3: Discoveries After Death—Family Secrets Revealed

(Starts ~20:41)

Burchell’s Story

Describes going through his deceased father's extensive library with his mom; she finds "a lot of books about sexual activity in older men" that she never knew he was concerned about.
- "She felt like she knew him, but yet this was something about him she didn’t know." (23:22)
- Prompts a discussion about discovering “who people really were” only after they pass.

Listeners’ Big Reveals

Crystal: Learning dad had two secret marriages before her mom; no one in the family knew.
- “No one knew that except his mother… That’ll shake things up a little bit.” (25:22–25:27)
Susan: Realized after her CDC scientist mother’s death how accomplished she was, with boxes of published research and journals.
- “We had no idea what she had actually accomplished.” (26:46)
Bert’s Family: Found out after his grandfather’s death he had done major public service work—complete surprise to the family.
- "They were building a monument to him because of all the public service work." (27:18)
Jarrah: At grandmother’s funeral, discovered she had quietly supported three struggling families for years, despite being on Social Security.
- "She had done this up until she died." (28:32)
Charlene: Learned years after the fact that her grandparents were never actually married—and that she had uncles everyone thought were just family friends.
- "I finally figured out that they were my uncles." (29:18)
Eldoret: Found out only when settling paperwork after her mother’s death that her parents had never been married, despite believing so her entire life.
- "She even gave me a date that they were married and a judge who married them... But they were never married." (30:10)
Kelly: Discovered that her “uncle,” much younger than her father, was actually his cousin—secretly given to Kelly’s grandmother by her great-aunt after an affair during the Vietnam War.
- "The sister took the baby and raised it as her own." (31:56)
Another Kelly: Revealed that her grandmother was actually a lesbian, her "Aunt Sally" was really her long-time partner.
- "I just thought that was a friend of hers, and it was actually her girlfriend." (32:51)

Cast Reflections

"See, every generation, there's scandal." – Burchell (32:38)
"You have a relative, a female relative who is much older, who's never been married. Wink, wink." – Burchell, on “old maid” euphemisms for closeted relationships (33:21)
Bert marvels at the generational nature and secrecy: “It’s rarely talked about now in public. So back in the day, I mean, nobody said a word about that scandal.” (33:12)

Notable Quotes & Standout Moments

Bert on Bourbon Street:
- "New Orleans just smells like feet. Or worse than feet...it smells like you are in a prostate." (03:28)
On Honest Drunken Confessions:
- "You don't know what's buried deep." – Bert (06:55)
- "Alcohol doesn't create it. It just found it." – Burchell (07:21)
On Unexpected Family Discoveries:
- "She felt like she knew him, but yet this was something about him she didn’t know." – Burchell (23:22)
- "After my grandparents passed away, they never owned the house everyone grew up in, they were just renting for 50 years." – Bert (30:04)

Timestamps for Key Moments

01:17 – Bert’s New Orleans DJ convention & drinking reflections
05:49 – Start of listeners’ drinking “rehab moments”
14:14 – “Charlie” and his wedding challenge strategy
20:41 – Burchell on discovering secrets after a parent’s death
25:06 – Callers’ stories about what they found after loved ones died
32:41 – Discovery of a grandmother’s secret sexuality

Summary

This episode is a blend of unfiltered storytelling, outrageous mishaps, and genuine reflections on personal growth and family secrets. The cast and callers share vulnerable, hilarious, and often jaw-dropping stories about their “time to quit drinking” moments and the secrets that come out only after a loved one’s death. The show maintains its trademark tone—real, raw, and laugh-out-loud funny—while inviting listeners to reflect on the unseen parts of the lives around them.

For more listener stories or to join the conversation:
Call 1-855-BertShow or visit www.thebertshow.com