Transcript

Jeff (0:00)

The Bird show.

Bert (0:01)

Just to recap, in case you weren't listening for the last week, that U2 and Bono just are kind of like, I don't know, the band of mine and my wife's relationship.

Jessica (0:12)

Mm.

Bert (0:13)

I mean, essentially, we fell in love to U2 songs, and our wedding song was a U2 song. Our son was born at Northside while a CD of U2 played in the background. So I would say we're both fans. I would say my wife is a much bigger fan than I am. She has. When she reads about Bono and his wife and his life and their family, she just feels like he, for whatever reason, speaks to her. Right.

Jeff (0:36)

Was she a fan before you, or did you introduce her to the band? To the band of consequence?

Bert (0:41)

No, she was a fan before I came.

Jessica (0:42)

She.

Bert (0:43)

She introduced me to U2. So she was there way before I was. So this weekend, with you two being in town on Friday and Saturday night, I kind of made it like a personal mission to go out and somehow, someway, get my wife Stacy in front of Bono. And I put up a $500 reward for anybody that gave me tips and leads that would lead me to Bono. And those leads changed the game big time. For whatever reason. 500. All the emails started coming in, calls started coming in. People really wanted that $500. So going into the weekend, I felt fairly confident that at one point or another we would be in his presence. I knew what hotel he was staying in. In fact, it got so freaky that we ended up checking into the same hotel and that U2 was in on Friday night and got confirmation that they were there as soon as we walked in the door. So that tip was absolutely legitimate. I knew about a high powered meeting that Bono was having on Saturday afternoon from a couple of different listeners downtown. So if we didn't somehow run into Bono in the hotel or you two in the hotel, then the plan was to send Stacy down because I couldn't go because we had the one life to win thing going on.

Jessica (1:54)

Right?

Bert (1:54)

So she was gonna go down and just kind of hover in front of the entrance of this meeting was. And as Bono came in, she'd just be like, I had no idea you were, oh, here's my camera, here's some ebay items, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, she was just gonna play it off like it was a chance meeting, really. We knew about two private parties that they were having also that we were gonna try to stake out also. And again, not like work our way in, just kind of as they were there, we'd be sort of in front of the entrance, walking by and be surprised.

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Thursday, January 22 [Vault]

Aired: January 22, 2026
Host: Bert (with Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast)
Show Format: Conversational, comedic, storytelling

Episode Overview

This episode centers around two major tales from Bert and the team: Bert’s hilarious and heartfelt quest to fulfill his wife’s lifelong dream of meeting Bono from U2, and Bird’s (Jeff’s) comically disastrous “romantic” riverboat leaf cruise. The episode wraps with a tense and oddly educational live segment as Bert faces his fear of automobile airbags—by deliberately detonating one. True to Bert Show form, the stories are delivered in a lively, irreverent, and self-deprecating tone, offering both big laughs and genuine emotional moments.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Mission: Meet Bono

[00:01–15:29]

Setup:
Bert recounts his wife Stacy’s deep connection to U2 and Bono—U2 songs played at their wedding, during their son’s birth, and more. Stacy is the superfan; Bert is the devoted partner on a mission.

“...our wedding song was a U2 song. Our son was born at Northside while a CD of U2 played in the background. So I would say we're both fans. I would say my wife is a much bigger fan than I am.” (Bert, 00:13)
The Quest:
Bert offers a $500 reward for any tip that could get Stacy close to Bono during U2’s Atlanta visit. Leads pour in—hotel sightings, VIP parties, meetings, and he gets confirmations on many.

“I put up a $500 reward...emails started coming in, calls started coming in. People really wanted that $500.” (Bert, 00:43)
Hospitality Suite Miracle:
Just before the concert, Philips Arena staff calls Bert: “...there's a slim chance that the guys in the band will be there [at the hospitality party] before the actual show.” Bert and Stacy get in, are nearly paralyzed with nerves, and end up standing right beside Bono without realizing it.

“...She looks at me really, really weird, and she says, what do you mean? If you're in the same room as him, turn around. So I turn around, and sure enough, there's Bono.” (Bert, 04:14)
Meeting Bono:
Bono, in an intense conversation about global issues, is almost swept away by staff, but Bert steps up:

"I would never, ever forgive myself if I didn't shake your hand." (Bert to Bono, 06:51)
Stacy, trembling, asks for a picture, technical mishaps occur, but Bono graciously returns for a successful shot.
Stacy also shares her admiration of Bono’s wife, Allie, which earns a genuine response from him: “I just want you to know how much I admire your wife, Allie.” (Stacy, 08:33)
“...he stopped and looked back and said, thanks, that's really, really cool...” (Bert, 08:34)
Aftermath at the Hotel:
Back at their hotel, which coincidentally shares a VIP lounge with U2, Bert describes Stacy’s drunken, determined attempts to crash the post-show party:

“...she perches herself up and is staring inside the window as the party is going on, breathing on the glass, pretty much.” (Bert, 12:31)
Security diplomatically asks her to give the band privacy.
“He says... these guys have had 15,000 eyes staring at them for the last two hours. So they'd really like alone time with their family.” (Bert, 13:40)
Emotional Impact:
The story’s sincerity and payoff moves the cast:

“I was, like, totally choked up when you were telling that.” (Drew, 14:05)

2. Bird’s Doomed Riverboat Cruise

[15:48–25:24]

Setup:
Bird (Jeff) recounts his wife Jessica’s suggestion for a scenic river cruise in Chattanooga. Despite skepticism, they snag the last two tickets—a “date with destiny.”

“My wife...found this thing in some magazine...a trip on the Tennessee river when the leaves change. How it's supposed to be, like, a really beautiful cruise...She calls, and it turns out that there's only two tickets left...So she got 'em destiny.” (Bird, 15:48–16:56)
The Crowds:
The boat is filled primarily with two groups: very elderly tour members and “gay rednecks from Alabama”—a culture collision that amuses the team.

“...one of the tour groups was definitely walking the earth with Jesus. Like they were old...Not elderly. Like, look at those cute old people. But like, did that man just pass away old, like old.” (Bird, 18:22) “Then the other tour group...was a group...comprised of gay people from Alabama. And I mean, like redneck gay.” (Bird, 19:00)
Assigned Seating & Five Hour Duration:
Bird bemoans the long cruise and being forced into close quarters:

“So now I have found out that...it's almost five freaking hours long. And I'm on it. So I'm starting to suck it up.” (Bird, 21:04)
Comic Disaster — The Fart Incident:
The cruise is survivable until an elderly man, while being photographed, turns and audibly farts in Bird’s face.

“The old man farted on my damn head. I am on a five hour ship...and an old man fucking farted in my face.” (Bird, 24:31)
- The team erupts with laughter; Jeff compares his media achievements and local fame to the indignity just suffered.

3. Bert Faces His Fear: The Airbag Stunt

[25:24–34:47]

Background:
Bert confesses a phobia of automobile airbags. The team has orchestrated a stunt: he will sit inside a car as the airbag is deliberately deployed.
Preparation & Anxiety:
The procedure is explained by Drew and the auto experts, with precautions for Bert’s safety and warnings about static electricity. The tension is real—with even the hosts’ palms sweating:

“We’re all legitimately nervous and we're making 100% sure that you want to do this.” (Bird, 27:52)
Detonation:
Bert counts down, the airbag fires with a loud bang, filling the car with smoke:

"I'm really, really surprised by all the smoke that comes out of it. That's the worst part of it. Maybe because it didn't hit me in the face and I've got a lacrosse helmet on..." (Drew, 33:14)
Physical Sensations:
Bert describes the strong sulfur smell and its effect:

“It's kind of a sulfury smell. Like...when you had like science or biology class and you were just mixing up different chemicals...and it gets it deep into your throat, and it makes your throat scratch.” (Drew, 33:46)
Aftermath:
Despite not being fully cured of the fear, Bert is congratulated by his team:

"Well, Bert, you definitely get the trophy for conquering the fears." (Bird, 33:01)
“I don't know that this alleviates my fear at all, but at least I know what's coming now.” (Drew, 34:42)

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

Bert on finally meeting Bono:
“I would never, ever forgive myself if I didn't shake your hand.” (06:51)
Stacy to Bono, a sweet, personal touch:
“I just want you to know how much I admire your wife, Allie.” (08:33)
“...he stopped and looked back and said, thanks, that's really, really cool...” (Bert, 08:34)
Bird’s misery hits its comic peak:
“An old man fucking farted in my face.” (24:31)
The anxiety of the airbag segment:
“We're all legitimately nervous and we're making 100% sure that you want to do this.” (27:52)
Bert after the airbag detonates:
“I'm really, really surprised by all the smoke that comes out of it. That's the worst part of it.” (33:14)

Key Timestamps & Segments

00:01–15:29 – Bert’s U2/Bono saga—planning, leads, and the big meeting
15:48–25:24 – Bird’s riverboat “romantic” disaster and the infamous fart
25:24–34:47 – Live airbag stunt: Bert faces his fear
34:48–End – Post-airbag reactions and show wrap-up

Final Takeaways

Bert’s quest to meet Bono masterfully combined authenticity, humor, and vulnerability, creating a genuinely heartwarming narrative peaking with a moment of starstruck awkwardness and sincere gratitude.
Bird’s recounting of the river cruise was pure Bert Show—transforming a mundane (and then mortifying) experience into a comedic storytelling highlight.
The airbag challenge was equal parts tension and education, in a segment that showcased the cast’s willingness to confront fears for the audience’s entertainment.

All in all:
Classic Bert Show—real-life drama, self-effacing comedy, and a touch of emotional resonance, inviting listeners to laugh, cringe, and connect.