Full Show PT 2: Thursday, January 22 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Thursday, January 22 [Vault]

Aired: January 22, 2026
Host: Bert (with Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast)
Show Format: Conversational, comedic, storytelling

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around two major tales from Bert and the team: Bert’s hilarious and heartfelt quest to fulfill his wife’s lifelong dream of meeting Bono from U2, and Bird’s (Jeff’s) comically disastrous “romantic” riverboat leaf cruise. The episode wraps with a tense and oddly educational live segment as Bert faces his fear of automobile airbags—by deliberately detonating one. True to Bert Show form, the stories are delivered in a lively, irreverent, and self-deprecating tone, offering both big laughs and genuine emotional moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Mission: Meet Bono

[00:01–15:29]

• Setup:
  Bert recounts his wife Stacy’s deep connection to U2 and Bono—U2 songs played at their wedding, during their son’s birth, and more. Stacy is the superfan; Bert is the devoted partner on a mission.

  “...our wedding song was a U2 song. Our son was born at Northside while a CD of U2 played in the background. So I would say we're both fans. I would say my wife is a much bigger fan than I am.” (Bert, 00:13)

• The Quest:
  Bert offers a $500 reward for any tip that could get Stacy close to Bono during U2’s Atlanta visit. Leads pour in—hotel sightings, VIP parties, meetings, and he gets confirmations on many.

  “I put up a $500 reward...emails started coming in, calls started coming in. People really wanted that $500.” (Bert, 00:43)

• Hospitality Suite Miracle:
  Just before the concert, Philips Arena staff calls Bert: “...there's a slim chance that the guys in the band will be there [at the hospitality party] before the actual show.” Bert and Stacy get in, are nearly paralyzed with nerves, and end up standing right beside Bono without realizing it.

  “...She looks at me really, really weird, and she says, what do you mean? If you're in the same room as him, turn around. So I turn around, and sure enough, there's Bono.” (Bert, 04:14)

• Meeting Bono:
  Bono, in an intense conversation about global issues, is almost swept away by staff, but Bert steps up:

  "I would never, ever forgive myself if I didn't shake your hand." (Bert to Bono, 06:51)
  Stacy, trembling, asks for a picture, technical mishaps occur, but Bono graciously returns for a successful shot.
  Stacy also shares her admiration of Bono’s wife, Allie, which earns a genuine response from him: “I just want you to know how much I admire your wife, Allie.” (Stacy, 08:33)
  “...he stopped and looked back and said, thanks, that's really, really cool...” (Bert, 08:34)

• Aftermath at the Hotel:
  Back at their hotel, which coincidentally shares a VIP lounge with U2, Bert describes Stacy’s drunken, determined attempts to crash the post-show party:

  “...she perches herself up and is staring inside the window as the party is going on, breathing on the glass, pretty much.” (Bert, 12:31)
  Security diplomatically asks her to give the band privacy.
  “He says... these guys have had 15,000 eyes staring at them for the last two hours. So they'd really like alone time with their family.” (Bert, 13:40)

• Emotional Impact:
  The story’s sincerity and payoff moves the cast:

  “I was, like, totally choked up when you were telling that.” (Drew, 14:05)

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2. Bird’s Doomed Riverboat Cruise

[15:48–25:24]

• Setup:
  Bird (Jeff) recounts his wife Jessica’s suggestion for a scenic river cruise in Chattanooga. Despite skepticism, they snag the last two tickets—a “date with destiny.”

  “My wife...found this thing in some magazine...a trip on the Tennessee river when the leaves change. How it's supposed to be, like, a really beautiful cruise...She calls, and it turns out that there's only two tickets left...So she got 'em destiny.” (Bird, 15:48–16:56)

• The Crowds:
  The boat is filled primarily with two groups: very elderly tour members and “gay rednecks from Alabama”—a culture collision that amuses the team.

  “...one of the tour groups was definitely walking the earth with Jesus. Like they were old...Not elderly. Like, look at those cute old people. But like, did that man just pass away old, like old.” (Bird, 18:22) “Then the other tour group...was a group...comprised of gay people from Alabama. And I mean, like redneck gay.” (Bird, 19:00)

• Assigned Seating & Five Hour Duration:
  Bird bemoans the long cruise and being forced into close quarters:

  “So now I have found out that...it's almost five freaking hours long. And I'm on it. So I'm starting to suck it up.” (Bird, 21:04)

• Comic Disaster — The Fart Incident:
  The cruise is survivable until an elderly man, while being photographed, turns and audibly farts in Bird’s face.

  “The old man farted on my damn head. I am on a five hour ship...and an old man fucking farted in my face.” (Bird, 24:31)

  • The team erupts with laughter; Jeff compares his media achievements and local fame to the indignity just suffered.

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3. Bert Faces His Fear: The Airbag Stunt

[25:24–34:47]

• Background:
  Bert confesses a phobia of automobile airbags. The team has orchestrated a stunt: he will sit inside a car as the airbag is deliberately deployed.

• Preparation & Anxiety:
  The procedure is explained by Drew and the auto experts, with precautions for Bert’s safety and warnings about static electricity. The tension is real—with even the hosts’ palms sweating:

  “We’re all legitimately nervous and we're making 100% sure that you want to do this.” (Bird, 27:52)

• Detonation:
  Bert counts down, the airbag fires with a loud bang, filling the car with smoke:

  "I'm really, really surprised by all the smoke that comes out of it. That's the worst part of it. Maybe because it didn't hit me in the face and I've got a lacrosse helmet on..." (Drew, 33:14)

• Physical Sensations:
  Bert describes the strong sulfur smell and its effect:

  “It's kind of a sulfury smell. Like...when you had like science or biology class and you were just mixing up different chemicals...and it gets it deep into your throat, and it makes your throat scratch.” (Drew, 33:46)

• Aftermath:
  Despite not being fully cured of the fear, Bert is congratulated by his team:

  "Well, Bert, you definitely get the trophy for conquering the fears." (Bird, 33:01)
  “I don't know that this alleviates my fear at all, but at least I know what's coming now.” (Drew, 34:42)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Bert on finally meeting Bono:
  “I would never, ever forgive myself if I didn't shake your hand.” (06:51)

• Stacy to Bono, a sweet, personal touch:
  “I just want you to know how much I admire your wife, Allie.” (08:33)
  “...he stopped and looked back and said, thanks, that's really, really cool...” (Bert, 08:34)

• Bird’s misery hits its comic peak:
  “An old man fucking farted in my face.” (24:31)

• The anxiety of the airbag segment:
  “We're all legitimately nervous and we're making 100% sure that you want to do this.” (27:52)

• Bert after the airbag detonates:
  “I'm really, really surprised by all the smoke that comes out of it. That's the worst part of it.” (33:14)

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Key Timestamps & Segments

• 00:01–15:29 – Bert’s U2/Bono saga—planning, leads, and the big meeting
• 15:48–25:24 – Bird’s riverboat “romantic” disaster and the infamous fart
• 25:24–34:47 – Live airbag stunt: Bert faces his fear
• 34:48–End – Post-airbag reactions and show wrap-up

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Final Takeaways

• Bert’s quest to meet Bono masterfully combined authenticity, humor, and vulnerability, creating a genuinely heartwarming narrative peaking with a moment of starstruck awkwardness and sincere gratitude.
• Bird’s recounting of the river cruise was pure Bert Show—transforming a mundane (and then mortifying) experience into a comedic storytelling highlight.
• The airbag challenge was equal parts tension and education, in a segment that showcased the cast’s willingness to confront fears for the audience’s entertainment.

All in all:
Classic Bert Show—real-life drama, self-effacing comedy, and a touch of emotional resonance, inviting listeners to laugh, cringe, and connect.

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Transcript

[Jeff]

The Bird show.

[Bert]

Just to recap, in case you weren't listening for the last week, that U2 and Bono just are kind of like, I don't know, the band of mine and my wife's relationship.

[Jessica]

Mm.

[Bert]

I mean, essentially, we fell in love to U2 songs, and our wedding song was a U2 song. Our son was born at Northside while a CD of U2 played in the background. So I would say we're both fans. I would say my wife is a much bigger fan than I am. She has. When she reads about Bono and his wife and his life and their family, she just feels like he, for whatever reason, speaks to her. Right.

[Jeff]

Was she a fan before you, or did you introduce her to the band? To the band of consequence?

[Bert]

No, she was a fan before I came.

[Jessica]

She.

[Bert]

She introduced me to U2. So she was there way before I was. So this weekend, with you two being in town on Friday and Saturday night, I kind of made it like a personal mission to go out and somehow, someway, get my wife Stacy in front of Bono. And I put up a $500 reward for anybody that gave me tips and leads that would lead me to Bono. And those leads changed the game big time. For whatever reason. 500. All the emails started coming in, calls started coming in. People really wanted that $500. So going into the weekend, I felt fairly confident that at one point or another we would be in his presence. I knew what hotel he was staying in. In fact, it got so freaky that we ended up checking into the same hotel and that U2 was in on Friday night and got confirmation that they were there as soon as we walked in the door. So that tip was absolutely legitimate. I knew about a high powered meeting that Bono was having on Saturday afternoon from a couple of different listeners downtown. So if we didn't somehow run into Bono in the hotel or you two in the hotel, then the plan was to send Stacy down because I couldn't go because we had the one life to win thing going on.

[Jessica]

Right?

[Bert]

So she was gonna go down and just kind of hover in front of the entrance of this meeting was. And as Bono came in, she'd just be like, I had no idea you were, oh, here's my camera, here's some ebay items, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, she was just gonna play it off like it was a chance meeting, really. We knew about two private parties that they were having also that we were gonna try to stake out also. And again, not like work our way in, just kind of as they were there, we'd be sort of in front of the entrance, walking by and be surprised.

[Drew]

And.

[Bert]

And I got confirmation on all of those. They all actually happened, and they were all real events. Those weren't just rumors based on nothing. They were all actual. Okay, so it was all lined up. It was all lined up, ready to go. It turns out I didn't need any of them. On Friday, on the way down to the concert, I got a call from Phillips arena saying, look, that they've been listening all week long and they wanted to try to help me out. Now, Bono and U2, they don't do, like, backstage meet and greets like other bands. They just don't do that kind of thing. But Trey over at Phillips said, look, we've got this hospitality party going on beforehand, and there's a slim chance that the guys in the band will be there before the actual show. So we can try to get you in that. That's as close as I can help you out. So that's on the way down to the arena. So obviously, I hit the gas as fast as I can because we were running a little late. There wasn't a lot of time before the show. So I finally get down to Phillips arena, and there's about, I'd say, 10 minutes before the show even starts when they escort me into this hospitality area 10 minutes before the show, and I walk down in there and I look around, There doesn't seem to be anything going on, right? And Stacey and I are so nervous at just the prospect of actually meeting Bono. I mean, you heard us last week practicing lines with you guys and figuring out what that first line was gonna be just to break the ice that we had ourselves so worked up that this was really gonna happen. We were so nervous. We were this close to both throwing up, right? So we walk on over to the bar to get a drink, and somebody from the other radio station here, 99X, says, so, you guys, you're gonna make this happen, huh? And I said, well, you know, I mean, if we're in the same room with them. And she looks at me really, really weird, and she says, what do you mean? If you're in the same room as him, turn around. So I turn around, and sure enough, there's Bono.

[Jessica]

No.

[Bert]

Yeah. I didn't even see him. Stacy and I walked right by him. Oh, my God. What? We were so nervous. We walked right by him. Now, he was surrounded by, like, nine people, but it wasn't like this feeding frenzy that you would think when he walks in the room. Everybody just rushes towards him to get an autograph, right? It was kind of a chilling, kind of like very casual half circle around them, right?

[Jeff]

Oh, my gosh.

[Bert]

So we both look at each other and sort of lock up a little bit. Almost freeze. Like. Like, now what do we do? Okay, who's gonna go first? We've practiced for the last two days. All right, So I actually got a little bit more gutsy than Stacy did. She was really nervous. And I said, look, this may be the only opportunity we have this weekend. Let's get aggressive about this, okay? So I grab her by the hand and I pull her over to the half circle. And like I said, there's like nine people around. And he, Bono is talking very intensely, as you would hope Bono would very intensely and very seriously about Africa and the world's problems to a whole bunch of people in his one campaign. And I think from some members of the CDC also, he's turning water into wine.

[Jeff]

Just doing very. I was just gonna say he was talking about how it took him six days to make the world. He was holding the tablets with the.

[Jessica]

Commandments on him, baskets, a little bit.

[Bert]

Of bread, a little bit of fish. So it's kind of getting uncomfort because there are so many people around trying to push them and pull them in different directions, right? And I realized that Sanjay Gupta from CNN is right next to me, also in line. And as again, Bono is talking very intensely, I say, hey to Sanjay. Hey, I'm Bert from all the hits Q100. We've had Jan A couple of times, and he remembered who I was, and we started talking, and his wife was there also. So I cut a deal with them. And I said, if by some chance there's a way that you guys can get a picture with Bono, we'll take one for you, and then we'll juxtapose positions, and then you take one with us. And they agree to that. And we're waiting for Bono and waiting for Bono. And sure enough, Sanjay gets a little bit more aggressive, and he goes right on up to Bond. Bono shakes hands and his wife takes a picture of Bono and Sanjay. So Sanjay again turns the other way, and he's starting to talk to like eight or nine other CDC people. And every second feels like an hour to me. Like, I'm looking at the clock and I'm like, I know he's got to be on stage in like five minutes now, but I don't want to be rude about it and pull him or push him or something like that. So his security guard comes right up as I'm this close to him.

[Jessica]

Oh, no.

[Bert]

And starts pulling him away and starts screaming out, we gotta go on stage. We gotta go on stage. And Bono turns towards me and Stacy and starts walking away. And I'm like, this is it. I mean, our opportunity to actually meet Bono is slipping away because they gotta be on stage. And I wouldn't let it happen. I would not let him out of that room. So I sort of stand right in front of him and I extend my hand and I say to him, I would never, ever forgive myself. Just like we practiced. I would never, ever forgive myself if I didn't shake your hand. And he stops and he turns and he shakes my hand. And then while I have his hand in mine, I say, can I introduce you to my wife? And he says, you know, sure, or whatever. And Stacy comes up and shakes his hand, and she's trembling. She's trembling. And somehow she gets out. Do you have a second to take a quick picture? And he says, of course. So it's now Bono with his arm around my wife, then me on the other side of Stacey, And I hand my camera. Actually, it's Jeff's camera that we borrowed to Sanjay's wife, Rebecca, who is trying to figure out how to use the camera for the very first time, and snaps a premature picture.

[Jessica]

Oh, no.

[Bert]

Flash goes off. And we all knew that she didn't get the shot. And Bono starts walking away, and Rebecca says, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't get the shot. Bono walks back into the picture, puts his arm around Stacy, takes a picture with Stacy and me, and then begins to walk off. And that's when it gets a little weird. And I say something.

[Jeff]

He walked right through the wall. He just levitated out.

[Bert]

I say to him, thank you for the music that you've provided my family. And he looked at me with a really curious look, like, what the hell does that mean? And before he could get too wrapped up in thought, Stacy says to him, because she's done a lot of reading about his whole family, and she almost saves the whole second or two right there and says, I just want you to know how much I admire your wife, Allie. And he stopped and looked back and said, thanks, that's really, really cool, and then walked away.

[Jeff]

That was it. What was your line, though? I want to thank you.

[Bert]

Yeah, I want to thank you for the music. You provided my family or something like that. It just happened so fast, and it was so. Just trying to get something out of.

[Jessica]

Your mouth, like Just say something.

[Bert]

The moment.

[Jessica]

That is awesome.

[Bert]

And there's the picture that these guys are seeing for the very first time.

[Jeff]

That's funny.

[Bert]

Bono is a little man. He is 5 foot 8 at best. He photographs much bigger than that. He is a little. Little. Really? Yeah. And I had no idea because you see him on stage, and he's so bigger than life. And I. In our lives, he's, you know, seriously bigger than life. He's a little guy.

[Jessica]

Most entertainers, every time you meet somebody who's famous, you end up saying that. I'm surprised. Musician, too, but, yeah, most.

[Jeff]

That's an awesome picture. Dude, that is so cool.

[Bert]

It will be up on the website here in just a little bit. We'll get it all down and above.

[Jessica]

Your mantle for the rest of your.

[Bert]

Life, without a doubt. Sorry, Hayden, out of the way.

[Jeff]

Wouldn't it be funny if, like. It wouldn't be funny if Stacy gets a bunch of other pictures made up and, like, cuts Bird out of it.

[Bert]

That's fine. Whatever she wants.

[Jeff]

So.

[Bert]

Right.

[Jessica]

So great.

[Bert]

The night and day could have been over there. We got to meet him. It was all over. Right. Well, we get back to the hotel, and we're pretty exhausted, and we go to check in, and as luck would have it, they check us into a room. I have to try to explain this without giving away the hotel. We knew what floor you two were staying on.

[Jeff]

They rented the whole floor.

[Bert]

They rented the whole floor. And there was really. I guess you probably could have. I was really, really surprised by the lack of security around Bono. And he says that in his books and stuff, like, he doesn't like to travel with more than one security around him. And that is accurate. That is accurate. So anyway, we know he's on the 20, let's say the 22nd floor or whatever. Right. In this particular hotel, like, the VIP concierge lounge is two stories tall. So let's call it the 25th and 26th floors. Take up this VIP lounge from the 26th floor. You can look in from a window into what's going on in that VIP lounge. And as luck would have it, they check us into the hotel room right next to that window on the VIP floor. So anything that's going on in that VIP lounge, we can see. Go on. So after the concert, we go back and we're. We're done. Ready to make a night of it. We're all done. We're excited. We're pretty buzzed. My wife actually is really drunk. I mean, she got so excited by the whole experience. So drunk. Like, she orders room service and gets four items and has one bite and then passes out kind of thing.

[Jeff]

You wake up the next morning and you wonder why there's a full pizza in a B.O. on your babe.

[Bert]

And all, like, the stereotypical stuff too. I'm gonna get a pizza. She had, like, a cheesecake, chicken wings and didn't eat any of it.

[Jeff]

Oh, and hot chocolate. That sounds good right now. Oh, yeah, and yogurt. I want yogurt. Frozen yogurt. And do they have sweet and sour chicken?

[Bert]

This is two in the morning, you know. So they wheel the food in. Stacy literally has one bite, passes out, right? Well, I don't want the smell of the food inside the room. So I wheel the room service back out, and I hear some stuff going on in that VIP lounge. Like, all of a sudden, there's a party going on in there, right? So I wheel the room service out, and I look down into the VIP lounge. There's Bono. There's the Edge. And there's about 15 people of his closest friends all just partying and hanging out and talking and stuff. So I go back into the room, and I wake Stacy up. I'm done with the night at that point. Now it gets a little weird because Stacy wants to try to get into the party.

[Jessica]

Oh.

[Bert]

Oh, no. So we work. She's already passed out, and she's passed out, and she's pretty drunk. So we try to walk into the party. They have a list of about nine names, and Burt Weiss from Q100 radio is not on there. They turn us away. So rather than go, I go to bed at this point. And again, my wife is drunk inside of that window. She perches herself up and is staring inside the window as the party is going on, breathing on the glass, pretty much. Oh, God, pretty much. And Again, this is 2 in the morning. She'd been passed out for a while, so now she's got, like, pale drunk face with bags under the eyes, hair not done. And one of the security guys, not for the hotel, but for Bono, comes up and says, we're gonna have to ask you to leave. And Stacy says, hotel guests just can't stay up here. And he says he was as nice as it gets. He says, we can't tell you to leave, but I just wanna let you know, like, these guys have had 15,000 eyes staring at them for the last two hours. So they'd really like alone time with their family. And he had this thick Irish accent, and Stacy said, okay. And that was it. So he Kind of like gently shooed her off and that was the end of the whole Bono edge and drunk experience for the whole weekend.

[Jessica]

That's awesome, though. Congratulations.

[Bert]

But it did actually happen. It did actually happen.

[Jessica]

Thank you, Trey.

[Bert]

Thank you, Trey. Big time. Thank you to Philips arena for making that happen. Hey, son.

[Jeff]

God, I can't even get Hawks tickets. Yes, you can.

[Bert]

Hey, Summer, what's going on?

[Drew]

Hey. I was, like, totally choked up when you were telling that.

[Bert]

I don't know why.

[Drew]

I guess I'm happy because it got a little deep toward the end of the week, like how you feel about Bono and, you know, wanting to meet him and stuff like that. That last little part about Stacy kind of took me away from my choked up mode. But that's it. I'm happy you guys met it.

[Bert]

It really meant way more to her than it did me. In fact, I took a picture right after we met him and she's balling like a baby, so we've got that picture also. It was just. It was. It couldn't have been any better, to be honest with you.

[Drew]

When are you going to put him up?

[Bert]

Right after the show. Like it's on cd. I didn't want to give it to Melissa early to put up because I didn't want her to know what happened.

[Jessica]

Right.

[Bert]

I'll give her the cd and I guess right after the show, we'll put it up online.

[Drew]

Awesome.

[Bert]

Okay, thanks. All right, bye. Bye. So it happened.

[Jessica]

That's great.

[Bert]

Awesome. Awesome. And he. The thing that impressed me so much is he is everything that has been written about him. And I kind of understand now also, because he gets out there politically, you know, and he's kind of. I think with people like that, the media really tend to try to want to drag him down and they look for dirt. And I have always wondered why nobody has gotten anything on this guy whatsoever. And they just know how to do business, like traveling with only one security guard. And even the security guard knows how to treat you well. And they're just so polite and he was just such a nice guy that I understand why he's so likable and people don't want to tear him down. It totally met the expectation. Totally met.

[Jessica]

Good, good, good.

[Bert]

There's your story, the Birch Show. Some things happen in your life from time to time that are so traumatic that it can change you. It can just change a little part of you. And I think Jeff probably had that happen to him this weekend.

[Jeff]

It was like I said, well, first of all, I gotta get credit because Jessica A couple weeks ago, said that your wife. My wife Jessica, like, a year ago, found this thing in some magazine about a trip up to Chattanooga, a trip on the Tennessee river when the leaves change. How it's supposed to be, like, a really beautiful cruise thing to take to get on the boat and go watch the leaves change. And Chattanooga's less than 90 minutes away, and it's a cool drive. And she asked me a couple weeks ago if I would like to do this. And I was kind of on the fence about it. I'm like, yeah, maybe, you know, whatever. And she goes, okay, well, I'm gonna call and see about availability. And she calls, and it turns out that there's only two tickets left of the entire season of going up to Chattanooga to take this cruise. There are only two seats left, and one of the. However many boats they do. And she goes, so I bought him. I didn't want him to go, so if we go, the tickets are available. And I said, well, you know what? This thing's got to be kind of a big deal if it almost sells.

[Jessica]

Out and get the last two tickets.

[Jeff]

The last two tickets. So she got him destiny.

[Bert]

I call it a date with destiny is what I would call it.

[Jeff]

So Saturday morning, we wake up, we're going up to Chattanooga to go on this. This river cruise, and we're gonna watch the leaves. And it's, you know, it's kind of like, hokey and cheesy and whatever, but whatever. It's. It is.

[Bert]

Well.

[Jessica]

And the leaves, I mean, up in that area is. There's a lot more color than there is here in Atlanta right now on the. And you're gaining points, right? You go, make her happy. She make you happy much later, right?

[Jeff]

And I'm. I would be lying if I said I was thrilled at the idea, but I was not put out by it at all.

[Bert]

This was a large deposit into the sexual bank. Sure.

[Jeff]

It was like, it is what it is. I'll go. I had really no passionate feelings either way, but whatever. So we get up there, we make the drive to Chattanooga. Everything's fine. The clouds kind of came in, so we were bummed, and we thought about bailing. But then the sun started to shine while we had lunch. So we make our way down to the riverboat, and we board the riverboat. We get on, and it wasn't like. It wasn't what I had in my mind. I don't know what I thought it would be.

[Jessica]

What are you talking about?

[Jeff]

The boat was. A riverboat's a riverboat you know, so.

[Jessica]

It was a paddle boat. Yeah.

[Jeff]

Thinking like that big wheel in the background type of thing. It's just like a river boat thing. That was fine. But the crowd wasn't.

[Jessica]

They're a lot older.

[Jeff]

Well, there were two big tour groups on the boat and one of them, one of the tour groups was definitely walking the earth with Jesus. Like they were old. Like.

[Bert]

Like it might have been a field trip from some kind of like.

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Bert]

Home or something.

[Jeff]

Yes. Like a lot of older people. Not. Not elderly. Like, look at those cute old people. But like, did that man just pass away old, like old.

[Jessica]

Like gray skin old.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Jeff]

But they were, you know, but so I appreciate them taking their thing. Then the other tour group, and this is seriously where I wonder if at one point in my life I inadvertently took acid in it. Every now and again comes back to me was a group, a tour group comprised of gay people from Alabama. And I mean, like redneck gay. And I'm not.

[Bert]

I don't know what that. What's the difference? Like what.

[Jessica]

Yeah, explain to me that's what you mean.

[Bert]

What is redneck gay?

[Jessica]

Like redneck flamboyant gay men.

[Jeff]

Yeah, well, just like, I can't.

[Jessica]

That's a contradiction in terms, actually being flamboyant and being redneck. Yeah, that's true.

[Jeff]

Well, no, because there is the guy with like the high pitched Southern. The high pitched voice, you know, like the typical stereotypical, you know, gay, like Jack from, you know, Will and Grace. Like that typical kind of voice, but doing it in a heavy southern accent is weird. With a lisp. It's weird. It's just weird.

[Jessica]

And they all of them had lisps.

[Jeff]

And they're like, you know, I think of like, you know, like Melissa is my closest gay friend and one of.

[Jessica]

The few people I said his quota.

[Jeff]

I don't know a lot of gay people, but the ones I know are all very midtown Atlanta. Especially like the gay guys I know are like all very midtown Atlanta and well dressed and put together and in better shape than I could ever hope to be in. And these guys were just hit with sticks. I mean, they were not.

[Jessica]

It's so funny how Friday night I went to go see the movie Capote, Truman Capote. I mean, he was Alabama gay boy. So he, you know, he had that high pitched lisp. Gay boy and was, you know, a little out of shape and that kind of thing. Did they have mullets and stuff?

[Jeff]

Yes, like gay men with mullets.

[Bert]

It's an oxymoron.

[Jeff]

The whole thing was weird. So we're on the boat.

[Bert]

We're not even to the traumatic experience yet, by the way.

[Jessica]

So one boat of. Really, one boat of half dead people and one boat of gay people.

[Jeff]

All in one boat.

[Jessica]

Oh, all on one boat.

[Jeff]

All in one boat with Jeff and Jessica.

[Bert]

So it's almost like a wife swap situation where you're trying to get people that are exactly opposite of each other.

[Jessica]

Well, you know what you're fearful of, you tend to bring into your life. So you were right there with.

[Jeff]

Somebody sent these people to me. Yeah, both groups, whatever. It is what it is. We get on the boat and it's almost comical. So we get on, then we get on the boat, and the person checking us in takes our ticket and checks off and says and tells us where our assigned seat is. So that throws me because I don't really care for people. So to be forced to sit at a long banquet style table with them for a cruise bothers me. And I'm like, well, do we have to stay in the seat the whole time? They're like, no, no, no. That's just where you eat for the first hour of the cruise. The other three and a half hours, you can roam around the ship. So now I have found out that one wasn't thrilled about it in the first place. Two really old people, three redneck gay people from Alabama, four assigned seats, and five, it's almost five freaking hours long. And I'm on it. So I'm starting to suck it up.

[Jessica]

Jessica knew this. She didn't maybe know the crowd, but she knew the length of the trip.

[Jeff]

So we sit, we sit down and the people sitting next to us are nice enough. And we talk to them. They were from Alabama.

[Jessica]

So you were next to the gay guys from Alabama?

[Jeff]

I. Yeah, I don't know if they. I don't want it. Yeah, I'm guessing they were because they were with the group, so whatever. So we. I had a conversation with them. They were fine.

[Bert]

He.

[Jeff]

It was interesting because he commutes from Alabama to Marietta, whatever, yada, yada, boom. We hightail it up to the top deck of the ship. And Jessica can see the tension and she's saying stuff like, do you want to get off? Do you want to end it? And I'm like, no, I can be okay with this. And I sit there and I close my eyes.

[Jessica]

It's only five hours, Jeff.

[Jeff]

And I chant to myself, and I make myself okay with it and things are fine. It's only five hours out of my Life, things are fine. So we move over to the edge of the ship and we pull a little plastic chair up, and Jessica and I are the only ones on the top deck, and it's fine and things are great. And then people start moving up to the top deck and things are still okay.

[Jessica]

I guess only the gay people could move up to the top deck because.

[Jeff]

The other ones, the old people, took them a lot longer, but they made their way up there and it was fine. And the guy was doing his cheesy narration over the loudspeaker. And it was funny. And I had my new camera, so I was taking pictures of leaves and everything was fine. But then every chair on the top deck got filled, so there was standing room only. So the nicest old couple stood to our left as we sat in the chairs. And I even offered them. I said, do you guys want to sit? Because that's the polite thing you do when there's someone much older than you, you offer them your seat. And he said, no, I'm fine. We're just gonna stand here for a few minutes. And they stood there. And it was so neat to watch these old people who are obviously not married, but they were hitting on each other. You know, they were doing the dating dance and it was kind of funny.

[Bert]

So you're sitting and they're standing and you're watching this whole thing. Yep.

[Jeff]

And we're kind of eavesdropping. We're watching the lead and we're standing there and the woman takes out her camera. And it's so funny watching old people deal with cameras because they don't know when they were using them. You threw a blanket over your head and a puff of smoke came out of the thing when you took them. So she figures out the camera and he decides, he says, you go over there and take a picture of me here against the railing. So now I'm sitting there and I'm in my chair, and he's standing right to my left. And she walks away. And as soon as she walks away, he turns around so that he's facing her, so I'm looking right in his ass. And the old man farted on me.

[Jessica]

No, he did not.

[Jeff]

The old man farted on my damn head. I am on a five hour ship on the Tennessee river with gay rednecks from Alabama and people who should have died nine years ago. And an old man fucking farted in my face.

[Jessica]

You know what was it a big loud audible. Yes, it was like, how loud?

[Jeff]

It wasn't so much the loudness. As it was the length.

[Jessica]

Oh, no. Do it.

[Jeff]

It was like a guy. It was like a doctor putting on a rubber exam glove.

[Bert]

Do it.

[Jessica]

You know what? Some say that we sometimes, you know, some say that we deserve some of the things that happen in our lives. Don't you think, Jeff, that. That might have been the karma train.

[Jeff]

Coming right into the deep water when I actually.

[Jessica]

We got, like, stuck on a boat with gassy old people and gay people. I think that was appropriate.

[Jeff]

I actually had the. Like, Jessica got in the car and said it wasn't that bad. And this is. You know, this is not meant to sound. Even though this comes out egotistically, it's not meant to sound that way. I said to her, no offense, Jessica. Like, I'm glad we did this, and we had the experience together. But I have been on the COVID of Atlanta magazine. The radio show that I am on is the morning show of the year. According to several publications, one of the top 40 most influential people in the city of Atlanta, the governor of the state, has called my cell phone, and an old man farted on my head an hour ago. The Burt Show. Burt is out. He is confronting his fear of automobile airbags. A couple weeks ago, we all took on our personal fears.

[Bert]

How close to that edge are you now?

[Drew]

To the edge of the platform? Probably, what, 6ft, 7ft? Like I was saying earlier, I am.

[Jessica]

Taller than any of the buildings here.

[Drew]

I'm taller than the Georgia Pacific Building. Like, I'm looking at things I recognize, and I guess it's my mind absorbing the fact of how high I am. Because I see. I see the Dome. I see the Georgia Pacific building, the Capitol, But.

[Bert]

But you did it.

[Drew]

I did it. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

[Jessica]

That was a good ending.

[Drew]

I'm now holding a hot gun.

[Jessica]

Okay, he's in the chamber.

[Drew]

How you feeling? I'm doing okay. Both hands. All right, you guys shot.

[Jeff]

Where do you want it?

[Drew]

Harder.

[Jeff]

Head.

[Drew]

Squeeze. Trigger. Straight back. Wow. Heard that one, Axel. Wow.

[Bert]

Hello. I hate that sound.

[Jessica]

I'm sweating. My palms are sweating for you, Jeff. How'd it feel?

[Jeff]

I'm a marksman, so. Hey, Bert.

[Bert]

Yeah?

[Jeff]

All right. You're 100%.

[Drew]

100% what?

[Jeff]

You're gonna do this?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

All right. Cause you've got everybody in the studio very nervous.

[Drew]

It's a little tough for me to hear you because the earpiece is really kind of really, really, really tight to my head, and I've got a pair of sunglasses that I had to squeeze underneath the helmet also. Are you guys there? Yep.

[Jessica]

Yes.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Can you hear us?

[Drew]

Sorta.

[Jeff]

Okay, so we're all legitimately nervous and we're making 100% sure that you want to do this.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Drew]

I mean, I can't back out now. I mean, this is what we said we were going to do. We committed to each other. So let's just do this.

[Jeff]

All right, well, don't do it because of us. Like, you can back out.

[Drew]

No, let's just get it over with.

[Jeff]

All right, let's. We have to get. Tracy is going to get Drew on and then. Do you want to do the countdown or do you want us to do it?

[Drew]

I'll do the countdown.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Jeff]

All right, hang on.

[Bert]

We got.

[Jeff]

We're going to get Drew on the line. We got to say thank you to Larry at atc.

[Drew]

Can I talk to you right now?

[Jeff]

Larry at ATC Collision and Drew at Pro Tech Auto Service, who helped put this together. And as we explained, or as Drew explained us a little while ago, they're actually going to set the airbag off with a button. So Bert's going to do a countdown, Drew is going to hit the button and the airbag is going to go off. There is a small chance. Tracy just explained the airbag won't go off because it's not like something you can test.

[Drew]

What did you say that last part.

[Jeff]

There is a small chance the airbag will not go off because. Just because there's no way to test it. Like, you can't. You can't. You can't fire it off, then pack it up and do it again. So.

[Drew]

Yeah, I'm just not that lucky. Okay, hold on.

[Jeff]

We're gonna get. Is this. Is this Mina? Hey, hey, Mina, hand the phone to Drew.

[Drew]

Okay, hold on. Again, this is kind of like a old school Mitsubishi. It's really. It's a red car. It's really, really teeny. And it's been. How many miles does this thing have on it? It looks like it's got like 200,000 miles on it. Pretty close. And I mean, the gray seats are kind of stained. It's one of those old, old cars. Like the steering wheel's kind of like been worn. This car hasn't been driven probably in years. Right, Drew? Exactly. A couple. As you can tell by the oxidation. All right, so you guys take it from here. I'm going to sit down in there right now.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Alright, Drew. What Tracy explained to us is because there's no way to test this, there's a chance that the airbag might not go off, but there's also a chance that static electricity could set the airbag off early. So we want to make sure Bert is in the car, in position, in safe position, sitting on his hands, leaning as far back as he can. Lean back with his head back against the headrest.

[Drew]

Yeah, I want him secure before I put power on this thing.

[Jeff]

Okay, perfect. Let's make sure that happens, and then you tell us when he's secure, and. And then we'll put the power on it.

[Drew]

Okay. Do you want me to put the seat belt on? No, you're not going to be going forward. You'll be going back. Okay, Drew, talk us through.

[Jeff]

All right.

[Drew]

By the way, they're videoing this also, so the video is going to be up on the website later on today. Are you guys there?

[Jessica]

Yes.

[Jeff]

I'm just.

[Jessica]

Yeah, I'm very nervous for you. So.

[Drew]

Okay, you guys are kind of. They're kind of coming in and out.

[Bert]

So.

[Jeff]

We'Re going to wait for Drew to give us the okay that you're in position, Bert, and then. Then we're going to turn it over to you, and you'll do the countdown.

[Drew]

Okay. Drew, is the best place for my hands to be is underneath my. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Don't just stay where you are and let me. Let me put power on it, and then they'll let me know when.

[Jeff]

When to go.

[Drew]

Should I put my head all the way back on the seat?

[Jeff]

Certainly.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Here we go.

[Drew]

We're going to put some power on this. So at this point, it could go off at any point? Yeah, pretty much.

[Jeff]

All right, Drew, is the power on it?

[Drew]

Yeah, we got power.

[Jeff]

Okay, Bert, at this point, we are all gonna back away, and it is up to you to tell Drew when to fire it. Okay.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Good luck.

[Drew]

Hey, Drew.

[Bert]

Yep. Okay.

[Drew]

I'm gonna count from five to zero. You got it? All right.

[Jeff]

Take your time.

[Jessica]

Oh, God.

[Drew]

All right. Five, six. One. Did you say one?

[Bert]

All right.

[Drew]

Five, four, three, two.

[Bert]

One.

[Drew]

I'm sorry. Sorry. I got a hair trigger. All right, there's. There's a whole bunch of smoke coming out of the. Out of the airbag.

[Jessica]

Huh.

[Drew]

So when they told you that it was going to reach, they were right. And it gets that in your throat and in your lungs to where it's, like, really hard to breathe, but I'm all right.

[Jessica]

Did it hit you?

[Drew]

It looked like it came out about 4 inches from my face.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Drew]

So I was back far enough to where it didn't hit me.

[Jessica]

Okay. All right, Bert. Wow.

[Drew]

I wanted to give him a little more Anticipation here.

[Bert]

Drew going on.

[Jeff]

Drew. Hey, way to make the call, Drew.

[Drew]

Yeah. He did good. He didn't flinch. Well, maybe a little bit. Well, because I was waiting for.

[Jeff]

Wow, Bert, you definitely get the trophy for conquering the fears.

[Jessica]

Absolutely.

[Jeff]

Well, Bert, we need you to do it again, but we need you to.

[Bert]

Put your mouth over the steering wheel this time.

[Drew]

I'm really, really surprised by all the smoke that comes out of it. That's the worst part of it. Maybe because it didn't hit me in the face and I've got a lacrosse helmet on, but if the doors would make. Shut up.

[Bert]

It would close.

[Drew]

Did you guys hear that?

[Jeff]

If the doors were closed, it would have been tough for you to breathe.

[Drew]

Yeah, exactly. Which I had. No, like, they don't show you that in the movies when the airbag goes off, they never show you the smoke or anything like that, but it's. It's way worse than I thought it was going to be.

[Jessica]

What does it smell like?

[Drew]

It's kind of a sulfury smell. Like, a really deep sulfur smell. Like, remember when you had, like, science or biology class and you were just mixing up different chemicals?

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Drew]

It's like that, and it's really deep, and it gets it deep into your throat, and it makes your throat scratch.

[Jeff]

Now you're out of the car now, like, in the fresh air, right?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Okay, so when the bag went off to us, it sounded like maybe, I don't know, a door slamming. How loud was it in the car?

[Drew]

Did you ask me? How loud is it?

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

How loud was it in the car?

[Drew]

Really loud. Really? Really? Well, I was so focused on one that I might not have heard it as well as you did, but, like, my ears are ringing a little bit, but it's not as bad as, like, being at a concert all night, but they're ringing a little bit.

[Jeff]

Wow. Well, congratulations.

[Drew]

It's pretty intense, man. I have no idea.

[Jeff]

Well done.

[Drew]

And I don't know that this alleviates my fear at all, but at least I know what's coming now. You know, right?

[Jessica]

Exactly.

[Jeff]

Well, when you get back to the studio, we've got a refrigerator box full of stuff, snakes for you to lie down. Good job. Congratulations. We'll see you in a little bit. Six minutes after 9 o', clock, Bert has conquered his fear. And the bird show on all the hits. Q100 WWW.

[Drew]

College Park, Atlanta.

[Bert]

You're listening to the bird show on a big. Hey, the bird Show.