Transcript

A (0:00)

The Bird show.

B (0:01)

When callers identify themselves, they do it in two separate ways. Now, there are people who've either been with us for a few years and knew us when we were on the old frequency and have moved with us over here to 99.7. Maybe even remember the first time we got a bigger signal. And they're the people who call up and they'll ask questions about Lindsay and they're familiar with the show or Phil or all sorts of stuff. And then there's the listeners who have just now recently discovered us. Like, these are people who maybe joined the show once we move to the big signal at 99.7, or stumbled upon us in the past year or so, maybe even since the big leap. So there's two categories of listeners. I'm going to talk to the ones who've been with us for a long time right now because I would like longtime listeners of the Birch show to call us. 404-741. Q100. And I've got a challenge for you. Describe the Burt show, but do it in five words or less.

A (0:58)

So, like, I thought it's like the abridged version, the Cliffs Notes of the Birch Show.

B (1:02)

Really ugly in the morning. That would fit in.

C (1:06)

That would be perfect.

B (1:06)

But, like, makes my commute fun. That would work, right?

A (1:14)

Yeah.

D (1:14)

That's only four.

B (1:15)

Doesn't matter. Five words or less.

D (1:17)

Or less.

B (1:18)

It could just be funny or ugly or Jeff sucks or whatever. But it's five words or less. You have to describe the Bird show.

D (1:28)

Okay, cool.

A (1:29)

Why don't you start, Melissa? Oh, they're getting the phones right now. 404-741. Q100.

B (1:36)

News is the best part.

C (1:38)

Yes. No. Not afraid to be authentic.

A (1:46)

Not afraid. Yeah.

C (1:49)

Five words.

B (1:53)

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Thursday, January 29 [Vault]

Date: January 29, 2026
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the Bert Show team
Length Summarized: 00:00 – 34:47

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show begins with an interactive segment where listeners are invited to describe the show in five words or less. The team and their callers engage in lighthearted banter, celebrating their loyal fanbase and the evolution of the show. The conversation then transitions to a deep-dive on "open marriages" as prompted by recent news about a public figure, exploring whether it's healthier for couples to stay together “for the kids” even if the relationship is over. The episode wraps up with the recurring and highly entertaining “Am I Normal?” segment, in which both hosts and listeners admit to quirky behaviors and secret thoughts.

The episode embraces its trademark mix of authenticity, humor, and frank conversation about relationships, parenting, and oddball habits.

Key Segments, Discussion Points, and Notable Moments

1. Describe The Bert Show in Five Words or Less

[00:00 – 08:04]

Hosts challenge longtime listeners to call in and sum up the show in five words or less, prompting nostalgia and inside jokes.
Hosts and listeners participate:
- “Really ugly in the morning.” (Bert, 01:02)
- “Makes my commute fun.” (B, 01:06)
- “Jen is better than Lindsay.” (Tony, listener, 02:37)
- “Always changing with the times.” (Listener, F, 03:38)
- “Keeps me from road rage.” (Jennifer, listener, 06:03)
- “Juicy morning talk radio.” (Listener, E, 06:21)
- “Like listening to friends.” (Marla, listener, 06:46)
- “Pushing the limits of radio.” (Jeff, listener, 07:15)
- “Can’t start day without you.” (Tracy, 07:32)
- “Jesus would not listen.” (Melanie, 07:58 – playful reversal)
Memorable quote:
“I feel like I get to take a piece of home with me.” (Listener moving to Milledgeville, 04:18)
Tone: Affectionate, self-deprecating and community-focused.

2. Honest Talk: Open Marriages and Staying ‘For the Kids’

[08:04 – 24:50]

Catalyst: Discussion inspired by New York Governor David Patterson’s public admission of mutual affairs in his marriage.
Topic Explored: Is it healthier/possible for couples to knowingly remain together for the sake of their children or other reasons (like finances or cultural pressures), openly allowing extramarital relationships?
Hosts probe:
- “Is there any other reason other than kids that a couple would do that?” (D, 10:37)
- Financial reasons floated: “He doesn’t want to give up 50%.” (B, 11:14)
Caller experiences:
- “We’re pretty much together only for the kids.” (Josh, 13:08, calls under voice disguise)
  - His wife maintains a boyfriend with his knowledge; he sees other women “mainly ... to piss her off.”
  - Children are young, but hosts note, “eventually those children aren’t going to be fooled.” (C, 15:23)
- Another caller: “I’m totally for it… I’m more focused on my career and my children.” (F, 15:37)
  - Open marriage is a recurring fight, not mutual contentment: “He wants his wife, but I don’t want to be with him in that way.” (F, 16:44)
  - She got back together with husband to have another baby, but is emotionally checked out; “Eventually, you’re gonna divorce this guy, right?” – “Yes. And you both know it.” (A & F, 19:17–19:21)
- A listener shares about her sister’s open marriage: “You don’t even like each other, but they don’t want to go through the messy divorce.” (Christine, 20:22)
- Counselor weighs in: “They are going to screw up their kids so bad. I’m a counselor. ... If you don’t want to be together, get separated.” (Randy, 21:38)
Debate:
- Panel questions whether “staying for the kids” creates more tension/harm than divorce.
- “Some of my most well-adjusted friends ... come from parents who got divorced and were honest about it.” (C, 24:21)
- “You’d rather them go ahead and get divorced and maybe be able to develop healthy relationships as examples, but develop them separately.” (D, 23:15)

3. Am I Normal? (Quirky Human Confessions)

[24:50 – 34:47]

Premise: Listeners (and hosts) call in to share their “weird” habits and ask if they’re normal.
Examples:
- Practicing Oscar acceptance speeches at home, or pretending to accept awards going up the stairs (C, 25:32)
- Imagining epic workout montages while on the treadmill (D, 27:02)
- Making ugly faces/noises in the mirror (Theresa, listener, 30:30)
- Acting out emotional scenes in front of mirrors or attempting to cry on command (F, 27:50; hosts, 28:19–28:48)
- Plotting—in detail—how to dispose of a body (Tony, listener, 29:02; hosts join in, 29:42) or how to rob a bank (anonymous, 33:16)
- Waiting for Hogwarts acceptance letters as adults (“My sister and I ... we still wait for our Hogwarts letter.”, F, 32:41)
- Lip-synching in the car as if auditioning for American Idol (Sharon, 34:18)
- Racing at stoplights or imagining being in a car chase (Marcus, 31:43)
Humorous confession:
“I used to practice on my hand more than in the mirror.” (D, about practicing kissing, 31:09)
Hosts reassurance:
“So you are normal.” (C, 34:43)

Notable Quotes

| Time | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|----------------|------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:06 | Bert | “Really ugly in the morning.” | | 02:37 | Tony (caller) | “In five words, I would say Jen is better than Lindsay.” | | 04:18 | Listener | “I feel like I get to take a piece of home with me.” | | 06:03 | Jennifer | “Keeps me from road rage.” | | 07:15 | Jeff (caller) | “Pushing the limits of radio.” | | 16:44 | Caller (F) | “But he wants me, his wife.” | | 19:17–21 | Host, Caller | “Eventually, you’re gonna divorce this guy, right?” “Yes. And you both know it.” | | 21:38 | Randy (counselor)| “They are going to screw up their kids so bad. ... If you don’t want to be together, get separated.” | | 24:21 | Cassie | “Some of my most well-adjusted friends ... come from parents who got divorced and were honest about it.” | | 25:32 | Cassie | “Every time I go up a big staircase... I’m walking up to accept an award at the Oscars.” | | 32:41 | Mo (caller) | “My sister and I ... we still wait for our Hogwarts letter.” |

Flow and Tone

Shows strong community: Longtime listeners, inside jokes, affectionate teasing about the hosts’ memory and on-air blunders.
Unfiltered, real-life talk: Personal stories of relationship struggles are shared with candor and warmth—never preachy but curious and compassionate in tone.
Humorous and relatable: From mundane rituals to idle criminal-fantasies, the show celebrates human quirks.
Reflective and supportive: Advice and empathy from the cast and listeners help listeners feel understood and less alone.

Major Takeaways

The Bert Show is celebrated for making listeners feel like friends—and for being authentically themselves (even when it’s “ugly in the morning”).
Open marriages for the sake of “the kids” sparks passionate debate. Callers and hosts alike are honest about the emotional costs and potential impacts on children.
The “Am I Normal?” segment humorously reaffirms that everyone has odd thoughts and rituals—and reassures listeners of their normalcy.
Throughout, the tone is breezy yet sincere, balancing the gravity of real-life issues with good-natured humor and community spirit.

Timestamps for Key Segments

Describe the Bert Show: 00:00 – 08:04
Open Marriages/Staying for the Kids: 08:04 – 24:50
Am I Normal? Confessions: 24:50 – 34:47

This episode offers faithful fans the chance to contribute, reassures new listeners that quirks are universal, and doesn’t shy away from the complexities of modern adult relationships. The Bert Show’s signature blend of heart, humor, and honesty is on full display.