The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Tuesday, December 23 [Vault]

Date: December 23, 2025
Host: Bert and the Bert Show cast
Episode Theme: Navigating Love, Ultimatums, and Relationship Contracts

Episode Overview

This episode dives deep (and with plenty of drama and laughs) into the complexities of relationship arrangements, ultimatums, and how couples sometimes resort to “contracts” to get their needs met—ranging from church attendance to sex and division of household chores. The team also unpacks a wild polyamorous cheater-caught-in-the-act saga involving listeners, complete with confrontations live on air, and delivers candid commentary on respect, honesty, and boundaries in romance.

Main Discussion 1: "Pray in Exchange for Play" – Contracts and Ultimatums in Marriage

Key Points & Insights

• Listener Buddy Calls In

  • Buddy shares his and his wife’s unusual arrangement: she demanded he go to church weekly; if he refused, she withheld sex for a week ([01:55]).
  • After a few weeks, Buddy “flipped” the agreement: he gave his wife an allowance (since she was unemployed), but required daily home-cooked meals and a clean house for her to receive it ([03:20]).

• Hosts React with Disbelief & Concern

  • The cast criticizes how the arrangement turns potentially loving gestures into transactional exchanges.
  • The panel is especially alarmed at the shift in the relationship dynamic, likening it to employment or “holding each other for ransom” rather than partnership.

Notable Quotes

• Buddy:

  "If, you know, you don't go to church with me, then you don't have sex with me." ([01:55])

• Bert:

  "You just turned something so beautiful into something so ugly." ([03:46])

  "I would never use sex as ransom in my house. Never." ([06:46])

• Female Commentator:

  "What needs of hers are you meeting as consistently as that? ... She's doing all these things every day. What are you doing every day for her?" ([06:12])

• Buddy:

  "Nothing says I love you more, and I'm more committed to you than I truly care about all of your needs. And I want to fulfill all those needs. Let's find out what those are on paper." ([14:13])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:55] – Buddy’s church-for-sex ultimatum revealed
• [03:20] – Allowance-for-chores "contract" explained
• [05:47] – Cast pushes back, calls arrangement manipulative
• [06:46] – Bert stands firm: "Never use sex as ransom"
• [14:13] – Buddy tries to justify formal 'love contracts'

Memorable Moments

• The entire cast reacts with increasing horror as Buddy details more requirements for his wife, culminating in Bert’s exasperation at the “business-like” approach.

Main Discussion 2: "Polyamorous Plot Twist" – Cheating, Open Relationships & Public Exposure

Key Points & Insights

• The Polyamorous Dilemma

  • Jen calls in furious after learning her boyfriend is cheating—despite both being in “open” relationships and seeing each other secretly ([19:07]).
  • The rules: Each can date another, but the expectation was for exclusivity outside their main relationships. The boyfriend apparently broke that rule with a third party.

• Complicated Web Unraveled

  • The show hosts try to unravel the emotional mess, questioning the logic and sustainability of the arrangement.
  • It becomes clear both Jen and her boyfriend are cheating on their primary partners as well as being upset over broken "side relationship" rules.

• The “Catching” Partners Call In—Live on Air

  • Albert, using a voice disguiser, calls in. He is Jen/Katie's significant other and has been onto the affair for eight weeks ([25:31]).
  • Albert and John’s girlfriend Laura have teamed up, monitored their cheating partners, and planned to make a clean break by closing accounts and changing locks at month's end.

Notable Quotes

• Bert:

  "I can't believe this stuff happens in real life, you know." ([26:48])

• Albert:

  "We started talking and we put two and two together and came up with lying, cheating bitches." ([27:40])

  "If you ever think for one moment that anything you do with anyone else regarding a significant other or loved one is going to stay a secret forever, you're sadly mistaken. ... If you're not honest to begin with, you are going to get busted. And sometimes when you get busted, you get flat busted." ([32:04])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [19:07] – Jen’s call: Polyamorous relationships spiral
• [25:31] – Albert (the wronged fiancé) calls in, reveals surveillance and revenge setup
• [27:40] – How Albert and Laura, the other wronged partner, met while tracking their cheating SOs
• [32:04] – Albert delivers a warning: “You are going to get busted.”

Memorable Moments

• The escalation as Albert reveals he and Laura collaborated for weeks. Their calm, detailed revenge plan shocks the hosts.
• Albert’s admission that both “cheated on cheaters” bonded over betrayal, planned a thorough reset, and will leave their fiancés and SOs “with just the clothes on their backs.”

Panel Reactions & Relationship Philosophy

Key Points

• The cast returns to core views on relationships:

  • Using sex or money as leverage breeds resentment and erodes trust.
  • Open conversations, not ultimatums or contracts, are key to bridge differing expectations.
  • "Business-like" relationships sap love and authenticity.

• On infidelity, Bert expresses a controversial view:

  “If one person in the relationship decides to hold out sex, ... the other person screws around because they're not getting sex at home because of that ultimatum, I find it almost acceptable.” ([11:36])

  This is immediately challenged by cohosts, who reaffirm that crossing these boundaries is a sign that the relationship itself is already irreparably fractured.

Overall Tone

• Real, Unfiltered, and Occasionally Outrageous:
  The Bert Show maintains its hallmark authenticity—hosts and listeners are never afraid to challenge, debate, or roast each other, often shifting from laughter to incredulity to earnest advice.

• Engagement with Listeners:
  Live call-ins and real-time revelations keep the episode vibrant and unpredictable.

Episode Highlights and Takeaways

• Extreme “contracts” for relationship needs (sex, chores, church attendance) are met with stern critique and warnings from both hosts and listeners.
• Behind-the-back surveillance and well-plotted breakups illustrate the explosive consequences of deception and miscommunication.
• The entire episode serves as a cautionary tale: Honesty, open talk, and mutual respect are the only way forward—whether you’re navigating monogamy, open arrangements, or just splitting household duties.

End of Summary

Recommended Listening Segments:

• [01:55]–[09:16] — Buddy’s “relationship contract” saga.
• [19:07]–[34:27] — The cheating, confrontation, and public revenge plot.

This episode is essential for anyone interested in the messier side of love—and proof that truth truly is stranger (and often funnier) than fiction.