Full Show PT 2: Tuesday, December 30 [Vault]

Summary

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The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Tuesday, December 30 [Vault]

Original Air Date: December 30, 2025
Featuring: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast
Summary Covers: [01:22]–[35:22]

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into lively relationship debates and listener calls, focusing on two main themes:

1. How women feel about dating men who are virgins
2. The challenge of balancing wedding guest lists between partners and their families

The hosts and callers bring humor, candid stories, and earnest opinions, maintaining the show’s authentic and lighthearted tone throughout.

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Main Discussion Points

1. Women Dating Virgin Men

Segment starts: [01:23]

• The hosts discuss recent events on The Bachelorette, where a male contestant revealed he was “saving himself for marriage” and was consequently eliminated from the show.
• The conversation pivots to the real world: how do women actually feel about dating a man who is a virgin?

Key Points:

• Stereotypes & Perceptions:
  • Host (Bert): “I think a guy’s attitude towards virgins, and a woman’s attitude towards virgins may be totally different here... Is that a catch or is that a guy that you let go?” [02:04]
  • There’s an assumption that adult male virgins trigger suspicion among women (“what’s wrong with them?”).
• Shared Experience & Compatibility:
  • Guest (Female): Explains it depends on whether the woman is also a virgin, suggesting mutual values create a more comfortable dynamic [02:51].
  • If the woman is more experienced, some express feelings of self-consciousness or guilt.
    • Guest (Female): “He hasn’t done it. I feel guilty that I’ve, you know, thrown it here and there and there and there.” [03:32]
• Listener Calls:
  • Emily: Dated a 25-year-old virgin, found a “lack of passion” and personal guilt about her own experience; it “didn’t really work out” [04:03–04:17].
  • Lauren: Sees a potential benefit in “training” a partner with no experience [04:52], though not necessarily a plus.
  • A Majesty: Worries that marrying a virgin may lead to future curiosity or infidelity, out of a desire to “test the waters” [05:54].
  • Sherry: Married as an inexperienced virgin, but struggled with jealousy over her husband’s past partners [06:42].
  • Andrea: Believes a male virgin may have more respect for himself and women, and that a woman can “mold a man into what you want him to be” [07:41].
  • Nicole: Firmly against dating virgins, citing the difficulty and time involved in “training” someone from scratch:

    "Half the guys now don't even know what they doing, much less a damn virgin... No, I do not have time to be trying to train nobody." [09:24]

• Hosts’ Consensus:
  • Mixed feelings among both hosts and listeners, with concerns ranging from guilt, compatibility, and assumptions of inexperience to skepticism about the novelty or difficulty of a first serious relationship.

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2. End of the Honeymoon Phase in Relationships

Segment starts: [12:33]

• The conversation shifts to humorous and insightful indicators that a romantic relationship has moved past the “honeymoon” or “courting” stage.

Key Signs and Stories:

• Comfort Over Seduction:
  • Howard: Describes his girlfriend no longer wearing sexy outfits to bed but opting for an "oversized T-shirt and granny panties".

    “I looked over and I looked at her and I said, Mary Kay, honey, good to see you're comfortable enough with me to wear a shirt you paint in and a pair of underwear that's so big, I could cover my car with it.” [14:51]

  • Host (Bert): “The day she switches from Victoria's Secret to the underwear that she's absolutely comfortable in – that's a sure sign, man, honeymoon period is over.” [15:02]
• Moves from Best Behavior to Raw Honesty:
  • Acts signifying comfort: partners farting, sharing the bathroom routine, or “narrowing his back” for grooming [16:14].
  • Tony (caller): “When your girlfriend start breaking gas and picking her nose right in front of you?” [17:49]
• Decrease in ‘Effort’:
  • Howard: Describes the transition from receiving sweet morning notes and treats to just being told to “put the key back under the mat” [16:49].
  • Friends chime in with stories of once-extravagant gestures giving way to everyday practicalities.
• Financial Honesty:
  • Howard’s Mom: “When you're driving in the car and the guy you're dating turns to you and tells you he's done courting you and you can start financially contributing to the relationship now.” [17:12]
    • Reaction: “What a buzz kill at that point.” – Host (Bert) [17:21]

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3. Couples Court: The Wedding Guest List Debate

Segment starts: [20:17]
(Focus segment, includes debate, listener votes, and family involvement)

The Conflict:

• Howard: Wants to invite all friends and extended family to the wedding (potentially 250-300 people) but only 200 to the reception.
• Karen: Prefers a strict limit (100 from each side), believing only close friends and family belong at both event and meal, citing practicality and etiquette.

Key Discussion:

• Host (Bert): “This is probably a situation that I have very little to add to... in the case here of Howard and Karen, it's pretty split down the middle. And it's kind of starting to cause a little friction between the two.” [20:33]
• Karen: “If it's somebody that you don't talk to at least once a month, then they really don't need to be there.” [22:15]
• Listener Advice:
  • Some callers agree with Howard’s vision, supporting inviting people just for the ceremony to avoid reception costs [25:10].
  • Others, including an event planner, say it’s “tacky... you can come and buy me a present, but I'm not going to thank you for that” if guests aren’t welcomed to both [27:23].
• Logistics and Traditions:
  • Discussing family size, travel (some guests coming from Nashville or Pittsburgh), and reception venues' capacity.
  • Karen: Suggests that inviting guests only to the ceremony is unfair, especially after traveling.

Notable Quotes:

• Karen: “These are the same people that came down when I graduated. They came down for, you know, a 30 minute ceremony, and they didn't get invited to the graduation dinner. They went back home.” [28:02]
• Howard's Mom: “Immediate family is almost 100 people... family of 12 children plus their children, plus their children.” [29:15]
• Host (Bert): “You’ve learned a very valuable lesson. She’s the bride.” [33:36]

The Verdict:

• Voting: Listeners call in to settle it – the show tabulates the votes and delivers the results.
• Final Tally: Karen wins the vote, 337 to Howard’s 181 [32:47].
  • Host (Bert): “Now the problem stops.” [32:55]
  • Karen: Celebrates: “I won!” [32:52]
• Resolution: They agree to cap the entire wedding at 200 guests; reaffirmed as a fair compromise given costs and venue limits.
• Humor:
  • “Put your hands in the air and scream, I won.” – Host (Bert), poking fun at marital victories [33:01].
  • If future disagreements arise, “just call The Bert Show and have people vote on it.” [33:17]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Dating Virgins:

  • Nicole (caller) [09:24]:

    “Half the guys now don’t even know what they doing, much less a damn virgin... No, I do not have time to be trying to train nobody.”

  • Guest (Female) [05:54]:

    “If he's never been with anyone else, then he's going to want to venture out during the marriage at some point... test the waters.”

• On Ending the Honeymoon:

  • Howard [14:51]:

    “A shirt you paint in and a pair of underwear that's so big, I could cover my car with it.”

  • Host (Bert) [15:02]:

    “The day she switches from Victoria's Secret to the underwear that she's absolutely comfortable in – that's a sure sign, man, honeymoon period is over.”

• On the Wedding Guest List:

  • Event Planner (caller) [27:23]:

    “It is very tacky to invite people to the wedding and then not to the reception because you’re asking them to buy a present... but I'm not going to thank you for that.”

  • Host (Bert) [33:36]:

    “You’ve learned a very valuable lesson. She’s the bride.”

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:23] – Discussion on dating virgins begins
• [04:03] – Listener "Emily" shares experience dating a 25-year-old virgin
• [09:24] – Caller Nicole’s viral “No time to train a virgin” rant
• [12:33] – Transition to signs the honeymoon phase is over
• [14:51] – Howard’s "granny panties" story
• [16:14] – Real-life couple moments: first time shaving a partner’s back
• [20:17] – Couples Court: The Guest List Debate begins
• [22:15/23:03] – Karen and Howard’s differing philosophies break down
• [27:23] – Event planner’s call: “tacky” to exclude guests from the reception
• [32:47] – Final tally announced; Karen wins the wedding guest list debate
• [33:36] – Conclusion: “She’s the bride.”

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Episode Takeaways

• Dating a Virgin:
  • Women’s attitudes vary greatly; for some, it’s a red flag or too much work, for others, it’s an opportunity for shared growth or “training.” There’s also a prevailing sense of societal double standards and concern for future curiosity/infidelity.
• Relationships Shift:
  • The “honeymoon period” always gives way to a more relaxed, authentic phase—humorously illustrated by comfy clothes, less inhibition, and everyday inconveniences.
• Wedding Planning:
  • Guest lists are a battleground—but it’s best to compromise, respect both partners' wishes, and accept that sometimes the bride (or those footing the bill) will have the final say.

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The episode is infused with The Bert Show’s trademark humor, realness, and “morning show family” energy, making topics deeply relatable and frequently laugh-out-loud funny.

Transcript

[Mrs. Claus]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[Howard]

Zoey, this thing weighs a ton.

[Karen]

Drew Ski, lift with your legs, man.

[Howard's Mom]

Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?

[Howard]

He's talking to you britches. I'm not.

[Mrs. Claus]

Of course he did.

[Howard]

Right, Santa, you know my elf, Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list. And elf, I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T mobile you can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. Right, Mrs. Claus?

[Mrs. Claus]

I'm Mrs. Claus, much younger sister. And AT T Mobile, there's no trade in needed when you switch. So you can keep your old phone.

[Howard]

Or give it as a gift.

[Mrs. Claus]

And the best part, you can make the switch to T mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[Howard]

Nice. My side of the tree is slipping.

[Host (Burt)]

Kimber, the holidays are better.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Howard]

The Birch show.

[Host (Burt)]

But on the Bachelorette last night, here's what we got rolling here. Jen, she's up there and she's being jockeyed by all these different guys. When one confesses it's about I've been.

[Howard's Mom]

Saving myself from marriage.

[Howard]

I think the level of intimacy needs to match with the level of commitment. And I don't want to share that deep personal intimacy until I've got somebody that's willing to commit to it.

[Howard's Mom]

Yeah, you can't save a lot of.

[Guest (Male)]

Men to get in.

[Mrs. Claus]

I respect that.

[Guest (Female)]

But it's not about whether he's had sex or not. That's fine.

[Howard's Mom]

It just reflects on his belief system and that might be a little bit.

[Host (Burt)]

Too stringent for me. Now, it should be noted that dude got axed from the show last night.

[Guest (Female)]

Yeah, he did. He did not.

[Howard]

Should be noted that dude is gone.

[Host (Burt)]

He is gone now because I think a Guy's attitude towards virgins and a women, a woman's attitude towards virgins may be totally different here. Like, I think the fantasy for guys is, at least stereotypically is every guy wants a virgin. Whereas with women, I'm wondering if you guys are out and you're dating and a guy tells you that he's a virgin, does that go in the plus column or does that go in the negative column? Is that a catch or is that a guy that you let go?

[Guest (Male)]

Well, I think, you know, you just were so used to the idea that guys start young and they're, you know, wild and they're just guys or being guys. So they're out and about and planting their seeds and all this stuff. And so if you hear of an adult virgin male, I think the first thing that automatically maybe pops in your head is what's wrong with them.

[Host (Burt)]

Really? Really Is what?

[Guest (Male)]

That's the thought? Well, I mean, that's my perception now.

[Guest (Female)]

See, my thought is it depends on whether you are a virgin yourself. Because I think if the girl has saved herself for marriage and, and the guy has saved themselves or saved himself from marriage, then I think together it would be a beautiful thing. Yeah, because they both have the same belief system and that sort of thing. And I think that somebody who was a virgin would probably really like that if her guy was a virgin as well. But I think that if you have had sex before, but you're going to be deflowering the man, you kind of feel like.

[Karen]

Don't say it like that.

[Guest (Female)]

I don't know. I think it would be such a self conscious thing.

[Host (Burt)]

What do. I guess another question here is do women want a guy with experience, a guy that knows what he's doing and a guy to take control?

[Guest (Female)]

I don't think it's that. I think it's more about how we would feel about our own sexual experience. Like feeling guilty about our own. Like, well, he hasn't done it. I feel guilty that I've, you know, thrown it here and there and there and there.

[Host (Burt)]

Throwing it here and there and there.

[Guest (Female)]

And there and there and there and here and here and there and there and here.

[Host (Burt)]

404-441-1005 My goodness.

[Howard's Mom]

Hey, Emily. Hello.

[Host (Burt)]

Good morning.

[Howard's Mom]

Morning.

[Host (Burt)]

Where do you stand on this? Is it a good thing if you're dating a virgin? I mean, are you turned off by that if a guy tells you that?

[Howard's Mom]

Well, I actually did and he was 25, so it was something that definitely threw me for a loop. And at first I was kind of that way in the negative column, But I thought I'd be open minded. And yeah, it didn't really work out.

[Guest (Female)]

Really.

[Howard's Mom]

Yeah, it was just like a lack of passion on that side. And then also with the thing, I guess what Jen was saying, I definitely have had experience and I definitely felt a little, I guess almost like dirty, because he hadn't.

[Host (Burt)]

So there's that guilt factor working also.

[Howard's Mom]

Yeah, very much.

[Guest (Female)]

I think we have that guilt factor working anyway. But then a guy to throw it right in your face, be like, well, I never have. And you're like, ooh, well, I kind.

[Host (Burt)]

Of have a lot. Does a woman really want a guy that's a virgin? Hey, Lauren.

[Howard's Mom]

Hey. What's going on?

[Host (Burt)]

You tell us.

[Howard's Mom]

Well, I mean, I guess it's a two way street, but if he is a virgin, you can at least, you know, train him the way you want.

[Guest (Male)]

So, I mean, train it, man.

[Guest (Female)]

You would like a virgin.

[Howard's Mom]

I'm not necessarily saying that I would like it or not, but at least that way, if he was, you could.

[Host (Burt)]

She's just looking for the silver lining, right?

[Guest (Female)]

Lukewarm to him? No, no, no. Lukew.

[Howard's Mom]

But you never know. I mean, it could be a good thing, it could be a bad thing.

[Guest (Male)]

So are you married?

[Howard's Mom]

No, I am not.

[Guest (Male)]

Okay, because I was gonna say that because if she's out of the game completely, then that's why she has the ideal. Oh, it'd be wonderful.

[Howard's Mom]

You know, I'm not saying it would be wonderful. I'm just saying that, you know, you gotta look at the positives. I mean, that way, if you could, you know, hit your man and say, okay, well, he doesn't really know much, then you can.

[Host (Burt)]

Well, I'm here. In here, you gotta make lemonade out of lemons.

[Guest (Female)]

All right?

[Guest (Male)]

It won't last. Yeah, making the lemonade is not gonna last as long as it might last in another sit.

[Host (Burt)]

A majesty, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Howard's Mom]

Yes, I wanted to comment on dating a guy. That was aversion. I've done that in the past. And like I was saying, I kind of have like, a man's ideal about it. Like, I felt like, yeah, I took that. But honestly, I would not want to date a man that was aversion as far as getting married, Because I feel like if he's never been with anyone else, then he's going to want to venture out during the marriage at some point, get curious about how someone else is.

[Guest (Female)]

Ah, that's a good thought.

[Host (Burt)]

What a great example of a woman. Thinking way more than a guy would. Way ahead of the.

[Guest (Female)]

That's true. You'd be like, well, I'm the only one he's been with.

[Howard]

Right.

[Howard's Mom]

I feel like, is he gonna want to test the waters with someone else? Cause I'm the only one he's been with. Cause I know personally, if I had never been with someone else, I'd be like, well, you're good.

[Guest (Male)]

But what if once he's been to the promised land, he wants to keep exploring territory?

[Host (Burt)]

Good point. Hey, Sherry.

[Guest (Female)]

Hey.

[Host (Burt)]

Hi.

[Howard's Mom]

Hi.

[Guest (Male)]

Hi.

[Howard's Mom]

When I got married, I was a virgin. Very inexperienced, had no idea. And my husband had been around the block a couple times, and I always had the jealousy factor there, you know? Like those other girls, were they better than me? Kind of.

[Guest (Female)]

Are you jealous that he had other partners? Like, do you wish you had other partners?

[Howard's Mom]

Well, no. See, at first, I was very jealous that he had other partners. I wanted him to be a virgin along with me.

[Guest (Female)]

Right.

[Host (Burt)]

I see. I will say this about that. We knew a couple in Dallas that was Mormon that were. And I told these guys this story before that were both virgins on their wedding night.

[Howard's Mom]

And.

[Host (Burt)]

And when time came to consummate the marriage, they sat there on the edge of the bed and looked at each other like, so, what do we do now? And they were both so insecure about it that it was a miserable wedding night because everything just went so wrong for them, you know?

[Guest (Male)]

Poor thing.

[Howard's Mom]

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

[Guest (Female)]

Melissa has some instructional videos that can help them.

[Host (Burt)]

I think she's actually started a couple. Hey, Andrea, does a woman want a guy that is a virgin, or is that a. No?

[Howard's Mom]

No. Well, I think personally, you know, all women, most men go out and they sleep around with women and they do their thing. But if you have a man that's a virgin, you know, for one, he has respect for himself, and he also has respect for women, I think, personally, you know. But I can probably speak for all women. All women, you know, they want what they want sexually. But I think you can mold a man into what you want him to be if he's a virgin.

[Host (Burt)]

Now, we got to keep in mind here that the statistic that you women have rattled off to us is that only 2 in 10 guys are good in bed. So I would think that you'd be thirsty for a virgin to teach them how to do it. Right.

[Howard's Mom]

Well, you know, also, you know, if a man. If you're the woman that he has, you were his first. You have to look at it like he.

[Host (Burt)]

He.

[Howard's Mom]

He's gonna have more love and respect for you just because you were his first.

[Guest (Female)]

I agree with that. Yeah, I mean, I would agree with the respect part. And I, you know, him respecting himself and him having a lot of respect for women, I definitely agree with you there. But, like, is that, you know, is that the horse you want to bet on? If you don't know and you're gonna.

[Host (Burt)]

Be betting a long time, you know, not the first married again. But I.

[Guest (Male)]

Well, yeah, I guess, you know, you have to know it's not gonna. I don't know, it would be difficult because you would have to know that the first time is going to be awkward. And I mean, it normally is anyway with people who have a lot of experience and to be with somebody who's never had any. I don't. Yeah, that would be tough.

[Host (Burt)]

Good morning, Nicole.

[Howard's Mom]

Good morning, everybody. How are you? I am fabulous. And you know, I cannot have me no virgin. That's not gonna work. I mean, half the guys now don't even know what they doing, much less a damn virgin. Hel, they gotta train em. No, baby, that ain't it. No, come on, keep trying, boo. That ain't it. Now. I ain't got time for all that. Too much work. I ain't got time. Uh, no, I do not have time to be trying to train nobody. What you doing? Half the ones out there now don't know what they doing anyway. And I gotta halfway train somebody that think they know what they doing. That's hard enough as it is. How to train somebody like, oh, I know what I'm doing. Hell no, you don't.

[Guest (Female)]

Nicole is not starting from scratch.

[Howard's Mom]

That take too long. No, no, don't want to do that. Y' all have a good morning.

[Howard]

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[Howard's Mom]

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[Howard]

And set it up for you.

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Oh, actually they will have to get up and open the door.

[Guest (Female)]

Oh right.

[Howard]

Delivery available for select devices [e-mail] terms apply.

[Commercial Announcer]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

[Mrs. Claus]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[Howard]

Zoe, this thing weighs a ton.

[Karen]

Drewski, live with your legs, man.

[Howard's Mom]

Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?

[Howard]

He's talking to you britches. I'm not.

[Mrs. Claus]

Of course he did.

[Howard]

Right, Santa, you know my elf Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list. And elf, I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T Mobile, you can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. Right, Mrs. Claus?

[Mrs. Claus]

I'm Mrs. Claus, much younger sister. And AT T Mobile, there's no trade in needed when you switch, so you can keep your old phone or give.

[Howard]

It as a gift.

[Mrs. Claus]

And the best part, you can make the switch to T mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[Howard]

Guys, my side of the tree is slipping.

[Host (Burt)]

Kimber, the holidays are better.

[Commercial Announcer]

AT T Mobile switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. And now T Mobile is available in US cellular stores with three monthly bill credits for well qualified customers plus tax and $35 vice connection charge credits and imbalance two. If you pay off earlier, cancel financing. 256 gigs, $830 eligible board in a new line. $100 plus a month plan with auto payments, taxes and fees required. Check out 15 minutes or less per line. Visit t mobile.com.

[Host (Burt)]

So Phil Tyranna here is in this beautiful new relationship. Let's all go back to our relationships here and remember the time, you know, those first couple of weeks, first couple of months where y' all are courting each other.

[Guest (Male)]

The honeymoon period, as I call it.

[Host (Burt)]

The honeymoon period where all you want to do is accommodate that other person and make them happy, you know.

[Guest (Male)]

Oh, and everything about them is so great. And you know, you don't care if you don't pay your bills or sleep in your own bed for four months or six. The first six months. Because you know what? You're in love. And love is making everything beautiful.

[Host (Burt)]

You just want to accommodate that other person that's all you want to do at that time.

[Guest (Female)]

That other person is flawless. Faith can do no wrong in your mind.

[Guest (Male)]

No irritating thing.

[Howard's Mom]

No.

[Host (Burt)]

Now, in every relationship, if it goes long term, there is a definite time that you should be able to point to, to say, yeah, the courting period, that honeymoon period is over. But Phil Turana here may have the quintessential example.

[Howard]

So we are still in that phase right now where when we get together behind closed doors, we can't keep our hands off each other. We're still very kissy. Yeah, I know. We, you know, she came over to the house last night to watch some of the game, and, you know, all my buddies are there, and there's still a hand on the leg, another hand, you know, scratching the bag. So it's still very flirtatious, very disgusting, very out in public, make you want to puke.

[Host (Burt)]

Just. Again, she's just doing everything she can to accommodate you and to be accepted.

[Howard]

By you, you know, and it's working.

[Guest (Male)]

Oh, the way you clapped at that play, that was so cute.

[Howard's Mom]

Oh, yeah.

[Howard]

The way you cut that person off on 400. God bless you. They deserved it.

[Guest (Female)]

So pretty.

[Howard]

So. So. So we were out one night, and we had had a couple of drinks, and I stayed over at her place and.

[Host (Burt)]

And once again, how long have y' all been going out now?

[Howard]

Just over two months.

[Host (Burt)]

Two months.

[Howard]

And it's. Things will never change. Things will always be this beautiful. And so. So I stayed over at her place, and usually if I stay over, she'll usually put something pretty sexy on and go to bed. And she has a very nice selection. And so she comes out of the bathroom and getting ready to go to bed. And she had on. She had on probably about a T shirt that would have been pretty big on me. And probably the biggest pair of granny panties I've ever seen in my entire life.

[Howard's Mom]

Yes. Yep. Honeymoon statue.

[Howard]

I looked over and I looked at her and I said, mary Kay, honey, good to see you're comfortable enough with me to wear a shirt you paint in and a pair of underwear that's so big, I could cover my car with it.

[Guest (Female)]

That's great.

[Host (Burt)]

That's awesome. The day she switches from Victoria's Secret to the underwear that she's absolutely comfortable in. That's a sure sign, man, honeymoon period is over.

[Guest (Male)]

Because I know guys think that women dress in Victoria's Secret every night, that wear teddy to bed every night wearing their best underwear alone in bed every night.

[Host (Burt)]

That's how it's done in the movies so far.

[Howard]

It's been that way.

[Host (Burt)]

She went eight weeks. It's just a tease. You go eight weeks wearing that stuff every day to bed. It should be law. You have to wear it every day for the rest of your lives together.

[Guest (Male)]

Best behavior in the beginning, trying to show off as much, but.

[Howard's Mom]

Yeah.

[Guest (Male)]

Then the scratching and the other stuff starts happening.

[Howard]

The kicking and the clip your damn toe. Toenails and get off with me. I'm trying to sleep, you bastard. Yeah.

[Host (Burt)]

404-741-1005. The list of ways that you know the honeymoon period is just absolutely over. Hey, Candace, you're on the Burt show.

[Howard's Mom]

I totally have Phil beat.

[Guest (Male)]

Okay.

[Howard's Mom]

It was when I moved in with my boyfriend. And the first time I had to narrow his back.

[Guest (Male)]

Did he ask or did you offer.

[Howard's Mom]

A little bit of both?

[Guest (Female)]

Either way, it's gross.

[Howard's Mom]

Either way, honeymoon period definitely over.

[Host (Burt)]

When Stacy and I first started going out and I was hanging out at her house. Cause that's what guys do. I mean, if anybody's gonna gravitate to the other's house, the guys end up over at the woman's house. Cause you got all the stuff that smells so good and it's clean.

[Guest (Male)]

And women know better than to go into the junk pile.

[Howard's Mom]

Right?

[Host (Burt)]

Right. Stacy, even though I was doing a morning show, would get up with me and make me breakfast at 4 in the morning. Oh, yeah, she was in the morning.

[Guest (Female)]

That's love right there.

[Host (Burt)]

That was totally love. Yeah. I haven't seen my wife at four in the morning unless I'm stumbling and drunk and she's up there complaining to me. Right.

[Howard]

Probably the first night I stayed with her, where I had to get up and come to work. It was pretty early, so I went, took a shower and got out of the shower. And on the bed there's a sweet note. Have a great day. It was a great night. Can't wait to see you again. There was a Red Bull right there, and there was a Diet Coke right there and a granola bar. Now when I get up to leave, she's like, dude, just put the key back under the mat. I'll see you later.

[Host (Burt)]

And how do you know the honeymoon phase is over?

[Howard's Mom]

When you're driving in the car and the guy you're dating turns to you and tells you he's done courting you and you can start financially contributing to the relationship now. Oh, my God.

[Host (Burt)]

He literally said those words.

[Howard's Mom]

He said. He said exactly those words. I believe we reached the stage where we're no longer dating. I'm done courting you, and you can start financially contributing to the relationship now.

[Host (Burt)]

What a buzz kill at that point. How do you respond to something like that?

[Howard's Mom]

I said I want to keep dating.

[Commercial Announcer]

Good for you.

[Howard]

Good morning.

[Host (Burt)]

Tony, how do you know when the honeymoon period's over, man?

[Howard's Mom]

Hey, Bert, when your girlfriend start breaking gas and picking her nose right in front of you?

[Guest (Male)]

Dutch oven is a good honeymoon era breaker.

[Host (Burt)]

See, like, I.

[Guest (Male)]

Come on, everybody's done that.

[Host (Burt)]

See, like, Crash just told me that he and his wife do that. Yeah. That she does that to him.

[Howard's Mom]

Yeah.

[Karen]

It's over after that, man.

[Howard's Mom]

I'm telling you.

[Howard]

Sir.

[Host (Burt)]

No, sir.

[Howard]

We had that discussion. There will be no gas, attic or basement passed in between either one of us ever in front of each other.

[Guest (Male)]

Two months.

[Host (Burt)]

Two months, Ryan.

[Guest (Male)]

Yeah.

[Howard's Mom]

Hey, I have a good one for you guys.

[Host (Burt)]

All right.

[Howard's Mom]

When. When you feel comfortable enough to go number two at someone else's. At the other person's apartment, at the other person's house.

[Guest (Female)]

Their place in necessity, though, and you can't control it. I think that's the only. That's probably the first time that it happens.

[Host (Burt)]

I think I'd rather have my colon burst at one point or another than do that in the beginning of a relationship.

[Howard]

I will turn the water on in her bathroom if I'm going number one. If I just got a pee, I'll turn the water on because I hate the fact that she knows in there that I'm emptying, you know, my bladder.

[Host (Burt)]

I want to be honest with you that I am, what, now? Ten years into knowing my wife, and we both still do the faucet fan thing.

[Guest (Female)]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (Burt)]

When we're in there and if we're.

[Guest (Female)]

On vacation, like, you're getting in the shower.

[Host (Burt)]

Yeah. Yeah. Or if we're on vacation and we're in, like, a small. I'll make her go out on the patio.

[Guest (Female)]

Yeah. I know a couple that's been married almost as long as you and Stacy, and if they're in a hotel together, he goes to the lobby.

[Host (Burt)]

Oh, is that.

[Guest (Male)]

Or not?

[Guest (Female)]

Like, he won't even be in the same room as her, and I think that's weird. Come on, get over it.

[Host (Burt)]

Everybody does it.

[Guest (Male)]

Rush and go.

[Guest (Female)]

That takes care of it.

[Howard]

That'll be our first true test because in about a month or so, we're taking a weekend trip out to Vegas, so that'll be the first true test. We were beside each other for a good 72 hours, so it's gonna see how long we can last.

[Guest (Male)]

That would be the test. Either the first argument or the first trip together. That's the true test of how well you mesh together.

[Host (Burt)]

That's true. If you can travel together, then you gotta. That's a pretty good sign if you guys can hang out with each other. But everything's perfect.

[Howard]

I'm in the perfect relationship right now. Everything is 100% perfect.

[Guest (Male)]

Do you see the cartoon animals jumping into the studio right now?

[Host (Burt)]

I think your 100% went to about 97.5. When she showed up in that underwear. You were at 100. It ain't 100 no more.

[Howard's Mom]

It was.

[Howard]

Was sexy, honey. It really was.

[Guest (Female)]

It was like that Jessica Simpson song. Yeah, right?

[Howard's Mom]

Yes.

[Howard]

Good to see you.

[Guest (Female)]

Nothing but a T shirt on.

[Guest (Male)]

What do you wear?

[Howard]

I always wear boxers and a T shirt when I sleep.

[Host (Burt)]

Phil can look sexy in anything, though. The gift of being filtered.

[Howard]

That's true. The Bird show.

[Host (Burt)]

This is probably a situation that I have very little to add to. Because I know when it came to my wedding, I had, like, nine people on my side, and Stacy had, like, 120 people on her side. But in the case here of Howard and of Karen, it's pretty split down the middle. And it's kind of starting to cause a little friction between the two. They're gonna be married in September. And Howard, hey, how are you today?

[Karen]

Doing pretty well. How about yourself?

[Host (Burt)]

Karen, you there? Also?

[Howard's Mom]

Yes.

[Host (Burt)]

Hey, how are you today?

[Howard's Mom]

Good. How are you?

[Host (Burt)]

Good. Thank you for joining us for couples court.

[Karen]

Hey, no problem, man.

[Host (Burt)]

Even before we launch into the details here, let's just set the groundwork and say this. That you guys have agreed that if we do a couples court with you and you let the Burt show community kind of settle this for you, that the argument will be absolutely over after this. Right?

[Karen]

That's right.

[Guest (Male)]

Okay, Karen, I agree. All right.

[Karen]

I mean, you guys are gonna agree with me, so I have no problem with it at all.

[Host (Burt)]

Okay. All right. Why don't you give details out, then we'll take it to the listeners. And however they vote, that's the way you go with your wedding.

[Karen]

Okay. This is what's going on. We're having a wedding and a reception September. In the beginning of September. Karen wants to keep the list at 200. 200 for the wedding. And those 200 go over to the reception. But I've got such a big family between church members that are driving down from Nashville. I've got fraternity brothers, friends, co workers. Everybody wants to come to this wedding, and I can't tell them no. I mean, these are people that have Supported me my entire life and everything. So my size is going to be well over the 100, probably 250, maybe 300 people coming down for this wedding. But obviously, we can't afford all those people plus her side for the reception. So what I say to do is to invite everybody to the wedding, but only invite 200 people to the reception. You know, either we take the other 200 people or the rest of the people to, you know, another party or, I don't know, just not tell them about it, I guess. I don't know.

[Guest (Male)]

Now, Karen, what is your idea?

[Guest (Female)]

Like what.

[Guest (Male)]

How do you. How do you want to split the guest list?

[Howard's Mom]

Well, it's supposed to be 100 from my side and 100 from his side. And I figure our closest friends and family should be here with us. If it's somebody that you don't talk to at least once a month, then they really don't need to be there.

[Guest (Female)]

I think a problem for guys because guys will consider somebody their best friend who they haven't spoken to in two years.

[Host (Burt)]

Well, that's the beauty about being a guy. Exactly. Is that we can go months without talking to each other, and then I could call you and we'll pick up right where we left off, and we're best friends.

[Guest (Female)]

This is the problem when I planned my wedding, too. To invite people I had never heard of.

[Howard's Mom]

Exactly.

[Guest (Female)]

We have been dating for six years. If I have never heard the name before, they're not coming, and I'm not feeding them dinner, you know, like. So I think it does pose a problem for guys because your friendships are just so different than ours are.

[Guest (Male)]

Well.

[Howard's Mom]

And then I think that a big problem is, and I may even agree if everybody lived here in Atlanta, but I'm from Pittsburgh and he's from Nashville. So everybody has to travel. So we can't ask people to travel from another state and tell them to come to a half an hour wedding but don't come to the reception.

[Host (Burt)]

Karen's right. That's a good point. That's a really good point right there.

[Guest (Female)]

Absolutely, Karen, you're right. There's no doubt in my mind that you're right. You guys have got to just narrow down that guest list. It's one of the hardest things to do when you do plan a wedding. But there's no. That would be tacky and absolutely rude to ask people to buy a plane ticket, buy a hotel room, and then you're not gonna feed them or let them drink.

[Karen]

And there's no way I can tell these people that I've grown up with my entire lives and everything that they've been waiting for this day. They've been waiting and waiting and waiting.

[Guest (Male)]

Are you being dramatic?

[Howard's Mom]

Oh, no. They've been waiting for this day. They really are.

[Guest (Male)]

Your friends from fifth grade have been waiting for Howard to get married.

[Host (Burt)]

Oh, give me that. Your dudes have been trying to talk you out of it for six months.

[Karen]

Well, you know, those are my frat brothers, but my people from home, my family, my church members, you know, they've been waiting for this day. And as soon as they heard that I had proposed and everything, even before I had a. I think it went up in the church announcements that morning and everything, you know, so everybody. They were already getting a busload of people ready and everything. So they're ready to come down, and they're probably going to come down regardless.

[Guest (Female)]

You know what you could do with the church people is you could have, like, a separate, like, fellowship reception after your wedding. Like, say you guys do your wedding, your honeymoon, you come back, you go to church for the first time as a married couple, then ask everybody to stay afterwards for, like, a little thing in the parish hall or the fellowship hall or whatever and visit with all the church people then.

[Howard's Mom]

That's a great idea.

[Host (Burt)]

He may not have to do that because Birch show community may say, he's totally right here.

[Howard's Mom]

Exactly.

[Karen]

But I want them to come down for the wedding, though. That's the thing. I want them to be here for the wedding.

[Host (Burt)]

404-741-1005 what we will do here, guys, is we'll take a couple of calls now, and then I'll play commercials, and during those commercials, we will have people vote on who's right here and who's wrong. And then when we come back, we'll find out exactly what you're gonna do for your wedding. Okay?

[Karen]

Okay, Sounds good.

[Host (Burt)]

Sounds good. Hey, Amy. Good morning. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Howard's Mom]

Hey, guys. How are you?

[Guest (Female)]

Good.

[Howard's Mom]

I think that it's perfectly fine to invite people to just the wedding, and I think it's etiquette that's understood if you don't invite them to the reception, since you do have to pay per head. And I think that's perfectly fine etiquette.

[Guest (Male)]

So what you're saying is you agree with Howard that you think it's okay to invite everybody to the wedding?

[Guest (Female)]

Yeah.

[Howard's Mom]

You want everybody to see you actually get married from your past and throughout your life. And I understand wanting everyone to see you do your vows, and then the reception is just for maybe close family and friends.

[Guest (Male)]

Well, let me, let me ask you one more thing. Based on what Jen had said. You know, these people are traveling. It's not like they live down the street. So these people are driving, you know, four hours from Nashville or flying in from Pittsburgh, and then they're not going to go to a reception. They're going to go to a 20 minute ceremony.

[Howard's Mom]

Right. I think people that travel, you should either help them fund their travel or, or maybe you should invite them to the, to the reception. Well, that's traveling.

[Guest (Male)]

Everybody, I think that's coming down is tr. I mean, the majority. I'm just making, helping you understand to make sure that you, you are committed to your decision because you can't sway the vote. I'm not trying to sway the foot. I just wanted. Oh, no, I'm not.

[Karen]

Voted for me first.

[Host (Burt)]

Yeah, she did.

[Karen]

Okay.

[Guest (Male)]

She just didn't understand.

[Howard's Mom]

Can I say something else?

[Host (Burt)]

You're not allowed to have a protester 100ft from the polling place.

[Howard's Mom]

Another problem is we can't even. A lot of these places won't hold more than 200 people that we, that we find. But he wants to find somewhere they can hold everybody. So that's even limiting my choice of where I'm going to get married.

[Howard]

Why don't you just cut out all the Pittsburgh people? Because you're going to cut them off eventually anyways.

[Host (Burt)]

Who live in Pittsburgh?

[Guest (Female)]

Who's paying for this wedding?

[Karen]

That would be me.

[Host (Burt)]

Oh, that changed things for you, Jenna Hobby?

[Howard's Mom]

No, no, no.

[Guest (Female)]

Cause, I mean, being, being polite and being rude. I mean, you know, you can pick one or the other, but I just wondered if it was you guys paying for it together. I wondered if it was, you know, her paying.

[Howard's Mom]

I'll be helping.

[Host (Burt)]

Okay, Howard, how much is she helping?

[Howard's Mom]

Oh, about.

[Karen]

Well, she helps find the place and then she tells me what to deposit it.

[Host (Burt)]

Welcome to marriage. Hey, Miranda, you're on the Burt show and all the hits. Q100.

[Howard's Mom]

Hey, guys. Howard. Howard, I'm sorry, I don't agree with you. I'm actually an event planner and do. Majority of my events are weddings. And it is very tacky to invite people to the wedding and then not to the reception because you're asking them to buy a present. Most of these people are going to buy new clothes and they're going to come. And then you're basically saying you can come and buy me a present, but I'm not going to. Thank you for that. Thank you. Thank you.

[Karen]

We'll give Them like a packet of bubbles or something, you know, to blow up or to blow at the wedding.

[Host (Burt)]

But other than that, thanks for driving down.

[Karen]

These are the same people that came down when I graduated. They came down for, you know, a 30 minute ceremony, and they didn't get invited to the graduation dinner. They went back home.

[Host (Burt)]

So Birch show listeners have been calling now for like, the last seven or eight minutes to cast their vote. And this is how couples court works. However you guys decide, the majority decide they should conclude this argument. That's it. We've agreed upon that. Right, Howard?

[Karen]

That's right.

[Host (Burt)]

Right, Karen?

[Guest (Female)]

That's right.

[Host (Burt)]

All right, before I give you guys the total, we have to make this dramatic, of course, because it is the Burt Show. Howard's mom is on the phone. Good morning, Howard's mom.

[Howard]

Hello.

[Howard's Mom]

Hello, hello, Hello. Oh, wow.

[Karen]

That really is my mom.

[Howard's Mom]

Yes.

[Host (Burt)]

Did you think we were gonna make that up?

[Karen]

Yeah, I didn't know that.

[Host (Burt)]

What's up, Mom?

[Howard's Mom]

This is Howard's mom.

[Howard]

Good morning.

[Howard's Mom]

Good morning.

[Host (Burt)]

How are you today?

[Howard's Mom]

We're doing fantastic.

[Guest (Male)]

Good. How do you feel about all this?

[Howard's Mom]

I am so happy. I think they are going to make a beautiful couple. But I do think that they're going to have to sit down and think about a lot of things, because Howard, immediate family is almost 100 people.

[Host (Burt)]

Of course, you got to be a.

[Howard's Mom]

Family of 12 children and 12 children plus their children, plus their children. So we have a pretty large family, and we do have a large church family that Howard has grown up with and has been really involved in life and in weddings here. And I think that they are all looking forward to it all. But I do know that Karen has a large family and we want them all there, too. So we just have to work together and figure this thing out and say we're going to get them all there, but, you know, we're going to play, we're going to get it there, and I think that they're going to have a fantastic wedding. I think Karen is going to be a beautiful, beautiful bride, and my son is going to be a handsome groom. So everybody is waiting and they're excited, and we can't wait until it happens.

[Howard]

Now, Howard's mom, let me ask you this.

[Commercial Announcer]

Have you had any indication before this.

[Howard]

Point in their relationship that Karen was going to forsake the church? And two, have you noticed any, like.

[Commercial Announcer]

Super bitchy tendencies and other things?

[Host (Burt)]

I didn't think she catch the second part of it. That's probably better than she did. So, Howard's mom, you agree With Howard that it would be cool to invite everybody down for the wedding, but as far as the reception goes, maybe not everybody would be invited to that.

[Howard's Mom]

Well, we have to work it out. If they decide that that's what they're.

[Karen]

Gonna do, that means yes.

[Howard's Mom]

Mom, you have to be on my side, too. Here, Come on. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Whatever we decide is going to be together because we do have a budget, and we have to work on it. And we just might have to come back to Nashville and do some things, too. I agree. So, you know, we look forward to it. What we can get there will be great. But then if we need to come back to Nashville and do some things, then we'll do that. And if we need to go to Pittsburgh and do some things, we'll do that.

[Guest (Female)]

Can all these people cook? I mean, this is a lot of people. There's gotta be some cooks in.

[Host (Burt)]

Can't you have a luck reception?

[Guest (Female)]

Can you get everybody?

[Howard's Mom]

Everybody can come. I said if we cook, everyone can come, and then we will be fine. But I'm not sure if that's what they want to do. I want them to plan together.

[Karen]

Well, if we get a cater for McDonald's, it should be good, too, right, Howard?

[Host (Burt)]

That's your mama now, Howard's mom, let me tell you this, because there are a lot of guys calling up saying that he's paying for it, so it should be his choice. Do you agree with that?

[Howard's Mom]

Well, yeah, it's got to be. This is her special day, and I want her happy. Is his special.

[Host (Burt)]

I think we lost.

[Guest (Male)]

Well, you know what? She's a great mom because she is supporting both her son and her new daughter.

[Host (Burt)]

Very diplomatic. Yeah, very diplomatic. All right, you guys. Howard, Karen.

[Karen]

Yeah.

[Host (Burt)]

All right, you know how this works now.

[Howard's Mom]

All right.

[Host (Burt)]

The Birch show for the last 10, 15 minutes, has been calling in and voting on what is the right thing to do. Okay.

[Howard's Mom]

All right.

[Host (Burt)]

Both have agreed the way that they vote is the way you're gonna end this.

[Karen]

That's right.

[Host (Burt)]

Okay.

[Karen]

Would you guys like to vote before.

[Howard]

We give the totals?

[Karen]

Oh, definitely.

[Howard's Mom]

Okay.

[Howard]

Howard, who are you voting for?

[Karen]

I think I'm gonna have to cast my vote for me.

[Howard's Mom]

Okay. And Karen, I'm definitely on my side.

[Host (Burt)]

All right. They're very, very selfish people. This is never gonna work.

[Howard]

Well, that brings Karen's total up to 337 votes.

[Host (Burt)]

337.

[Karen]

And that brings Howard's total up to 181. Oh, my God.

[Howard's Mom]

I won.

[Host (Burt)]

Now the problem stops.

[Karen]

And you know what? She did exactly what you should do.

[Commercial Announcer]

As a married couple when there's a fight that ends.

[Howard's Mom]

That's right.

[Howard]

Put your hands in the air and scream, I won.

[Host (Burt)]

That'll go a long way. All right, so now you guys have some real planning to do here because now it's been set. So now the list, I guess is only at 200 people, correct?

[Howard's Mom]

That's right. Thank you, Atlanta.

[Guest (Female)]

And if this is how we're starting your marriage, you know, anything else that comes up, just call the Burke show. We'll have people vote on it and then you'll go from there.

[Guest (Male)]

But you'll be able to work. I mean, as problems go, you'll be able to work this out.

[Host (Burt)]

Oh, yeah.

[Guest (Male)]

And obviously, Howard, you've got a great mom. So very supportive mom. And it'll be fine.

[Guest (Female)]

You've learned a very valuable lesson. She's the bride.

[Host (Burt)]

Alright, you guys, good luck.

[Karen]

All right, Thanks a lot.

[Host (Burt)]

Thanks a lot.

[Guest (Male)]

Bye now.

[Howard's Mom]

Hey.

[Host (Burt)]

The Birch show.

[Commercial Announcer]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policy. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

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[Howard]

Zoe, this thing weighs a ton.

[Karen]

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[Howard's Mom]

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[Howard]

He's talking to you, Bridges. I'm not.

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Of course he did.

[Howard]

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Nice. My side of the tree is slipping.

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[Howard's Mom]

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