The Bert Show: Full Show PT 2, Tuesday, January 20 [Vault]

Date: January 20, 2026
Episode Theme:
This episode of The Bert Show delivers an engaging blend of relationship drama, listener call-ins, real-life confessions, comedic banter, and quirky explorations of modern dating and hygiene rituals. It opens with a listener’s unique relationship dilemma, follows with hilarious investigative reporting on public hygiene, and rounds off with superstitious dating habits. The Bert Show crew (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & team) maintain their signature balance of authenticity and humor throughout.

Segment 1: Listener Alyssa’s Double Heartbreak – Both Boyfriends Came Out as Gay

00:00 – 16:15

Main Points & Insights

• Alyssa’s Story

  • Alyssa, age 21, calls in with her voice disguised to share that both of her two serious boyfriends ended up coming out as gay.
    • First boyfriend dated from age 14–17: “He had a subtle flamboyance that I found charming.” (B, 01:12)
    • Second boyfriend from age 18–20: “He was the total opposite…very manly…a guy's guy.” (B, 03:25)
  • Alyssa explains that with both men, she only found out they were gay after breakups, and both admitted privately that they had known for years before dating her.

• Discussion & Support from Hosts

  • The hosts provide empathy, assurance, and personal anecdotes.
    • “The older you get, the less you'll run into this. This is just an age in which people don't feel comfortable with themselves.” (C, 05:23)
    • Stories from the hosts about their experiences of dating before coming out, emphasizing that self-acceptance comes with age and her situation is not her fault.
  • Guest caller Brad delivers a “Good Will Hunting moment”: “It’s not your fault that this has happened…It’s happened to plenty of girls. I mean, I’ve done it myself.” (G, 06:50)
  • Discussion on whether her boyfriends may have cheated: generally agreed it doesn’t matter—what hurts is the emotional impact, not Alyssa’s actions.

• Alyssa’s “Perfect Man” List

  • Alyssa is asked to share the traits she looks for:
    • Romance, sensitivity, someone who enjoys talking and cuddling, able to carry a good conversation—“He's got to be a little sensitive...carry on a good conversation instead of just blowing off my feelings.” (B, 09:23)
  • The hosts and listeners joke about how the qualities on her list stereotypically match gay men:
    • “I would suggest you to continue dating gay men.” (A, 09:57)
    • “An impeccable dresser. He has to work out all the time.” (E, 10:03)
  • Alyssa shares feedback she’s received: perhaps gay men feel safe around her because she’s non-judgmental and nurturing.

• Memorable Quotes

  • “This is probably not going to happen to you again. Because the older men get, the more secure and honest they are.” (C, 05:23)
  • “If you just take the ‘hold me’ part out of your equation, you’re going to find it way, way easier to find a guy you can be compatible with. Cuddle out of the picture, you’ll find the right man.” (A, 13:01)

Notable Moments

• [03:46] E: “He’s a homophobic gay guy.”
• [08:25] Jennifer calls in to share a similar experience—she was married to a man who turned out to be gay and later dated another man who came out.
• [12:29] C: Deep dive into why emotionally available men may be drawn to women who feel “safe.”

Segment 2: Public Hygiene – The Handwashing Confrontation

18:28 – 28:57

Main Points & Insights

• Survey Results

  • Discussion of a national survey reveals Atlanta men are least likely to wash their hands after using public restrooms—only 63% do at Turner Field after a Braves game.
    • “26% of those observed at Turner Field did not wash their hands after they went to the restroom. 16% of the women didn’t. 37% of the men did not.” (C, 18:43)

• Hilarious Guerrilla Reporting

  • Phil Turana takes to fast food restrooms, bullhorn in hand, to publicly call out offenders.
    • “I want to let you know I was in the restroom and noticed this young man came out of the restroom without washing his hands…” (I, 22:11)
    • The man indignantly denies, “You're lying on me, man. I just came in here.” (J, 22:46)
  • Phil gets “banished” by a fast-food manager after catching an employee—ends up cowering and leaving when told:
    • “Would you please get out of the restaurant with this mess?” (J, 26:28)

• The Dangers of Blow Dryers

  • A graduate student calls in, citing research that hand dryers may actually make hands dirtier by blowing bacteria and fecal matter:
    • “It actually blows fecal matter out onto your hands.” (F, 27:45)
    • “I'm wiping my hands on my jeans next time.” (D, 28:10)

• More Scary Hygiene Stats

  • Only 83% wash hands at home after using the bathroom, 73% after changing diapers, and just 32% after sneezing or coughing into hands. (C, 28:31)

Memorable Quotes

• “Just know that you’re smearing each other’s fecal matter on each other’s hands.” (A, 19:29)
• “A tornado of poop.” (A, 28:06)

Segment 3: Dating Superstitions – Rituals for Romance

29:03 – 36:07

Main Points & Insights

• What Are Dating Superstitions?

  • Like athletes with their lucky charms, many singles observe quirky personal rituals before dates for luck or comfort.
    • Examples from an article: a postcard of Al Pacino’s Serpico, doing 30 push-ups, lighting a white candle, taking a bubble bath.

• Listener and Host Contributions

  • A listener always listens to “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark before dates now because it coincided with a run of good luck. (B, 32:31)
  • Outfits as talismans: “I wear the same jeans and black top on a first date…my lucky outfit.” (B, 33:32)
  • Hosts debate if it’s really superstition or just wanting to look good.
  • Guy’s “edge-cutting”: one male listener admits to “taking care of himself before every date” to curb excitement—“Absolutely…You just gotta cut some of the edge off of it.” (G, 34:28)
  • A woman’s 4-step plan: red wine for her cheeks, brush teeth, check the news for conversation starters, play with her dog for comfort before heading out. (C, 34:56)

Memorable Quotes

• “There’s a flow chart on the wall: Check teeth. Check. Neck. Newspaper. I’m off.” (E, 35:36)
• About host Bert: “He’s nice, funny, great personality…but he stinks like liquor every time.” (D & A, 35:57)

Summary Table of Important Timestamps

| Time | Segment / Topic | Notable Event/Quote | |----------|----------------------------------------------|------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00 | Alyssa’s dilemma | Alyssa starts story, both exes came out as gay | | 01:12 | Subtle flamboyance | “He had a subtle flamboyance…” | | 03:46 | Second boyfriend | “He’s a homophobic gay guy.” | | 05:23 | Reassurance | “Older men get more secure and honest.” (C) | | 09:23 | Alyssa’s perfect man list | “He’s got to be a little sensitive…” | | 13:01 | Cuddle theory | “Take the ‘hold me’ part out…” | | 18:43 | Hygiene stats | 37% of Atlanta men at Turner Field don’t wash hands | | 22:11 | Restroom confrontation | Phil calls out a non-hand-washer with a bullhorn | | 27:45 | Hand dryer warning | “Blows fecal matter onto your hands.” | | 28:31 | Hygiene habits survey | Only 32% wash hands after coughing/sneezing | | 29:03 | Dating superstitions | Like lucky shirts for athletes, rituals before dates | | 32:31 | Listener ritual | “I always listen to Good Vibrations…” | | 34:28 | “Edge-cutting” before dates | “Absolutely…gotta cut some of the edge off.” | | 34:56 | Woman’s 4-part date prep | Wine, brush teeth, news, dog play | | 35:57 | Bert’s pre-date rut | “Stinks like liquor every time…” |

Tone & Style

The episode is lively, irreverent, and authentic, with quick back-and-forths between hosts and callers. Humor is used to address awkward or painful topics, mixed with moments of real empathy and down-to-earth advice.

Key Takeaways for Listeners

• It’s common and not your fault if you’ve loved someone who turned out to be gay, especially in youth.
• Don’t let checklists for a “perfect” partner box you in or lead you to chase an ideal rather than a real connection.
• Hygiene in public places is a real concern, handwashing matters, and hand dryers aren’t always your friend.
• Most people have silly pre-date rituals—embrace the comfort, don’t sweat the superstition.
• Humor, empathy, and straight talk go a long way in making mornings (and heartbreaks, and public bathrooms) bearable.