Full Show PT 2: Tuesday, March 3 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show: Full Show PT 2 (March 3, 2026 Vault Episode)

Podcast Summary

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show offers a mix of humor, relationship talk, and some extremely candid listener stories. The primary themes revolve around two standout topics: introducing “Bob” (Battery Operated Boyfriend) into relationships and shocking tales of critters found in toilets. The cast – Melissa, Jeff, Lyndall, Jessica, Kara, Javi, and callers – keeps the tone light and irreverent, blending honesty about intimacy with funny, sometimes cringe-worthy, anecdotes from their own lives and listeners’.

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1. Relationship Talk: “Bob” in the Bedroom

[01:01 – 12:13]

Key Discussion Points

• Introducing Bob:

  • Melissa kicks off a candid discussion: “Married couple…looking to mix it up…so he introduces her to Insurrection Love shack type devices.” (01:01)
  • The device, a vibrator referred to as “Bob” (Battery Operated Boyfriend), is often initially suggested by the husband but sometimes ends up becoming “competition.”
  • Melissa: “[She] likes it a lot. So much so that now he feels like…he’s sort of been pushed out” (02:35)
  • The cast jokes about the “replacement” dynamic and ensuing awkwardness.

• Communication is Key:

  • Jessica advocates for frank intimacy talks: “Anytime a couple’s changing any routine in the bedroom, they have to open those lines of communication.” (02:54)
  • The group discusses insecurity, fear of bringing up mismatched libidos, and the classic struggle of one partner feeling left out.
  • Jessica: “If you don’t talk about your sex life…misunderstanding is going to get [worse].” (04:53)

• Listener Calls:

  • Laura (05:52): Suggests the husband should try to make his own use of “hand lotion” obvious so his wife feels left out, a strategy the hosts view as passive aggressive.
  • Stacy (07:09): Shares that she and her husband now “have to hang out with Bob before we can do anything together” – Bob has become a standard part of their intimacy, though it doesn’t seem to trouble her husband.
  • Another Stacy (08:44): Her boyfriend was intimidated by Bob’s size and may have “kidnapped” or hidden it, sparking playful jokes about men’s insecurities.

• Frequency & Honesty:

  • A caller named Peggy admits she “was with Bob a little too long this morning,” using it “three, four times a week” while her husband is unaware.
  • Peggy: “He thinks Bob is dead. But Bob’s not dead.” (11:01) – the cast cracks up over the idea of “resurrected” toys.

Notable Quotes

• “He has sort of been replaced. And it was his idea in the first place!” – Melissa (02:36-02:40)
• “If you don’t talk about your sex life…the misunderstanding is going to get [worse].” – Jessica (04:53)
• “He kidnapped Bob.” – Melissa, on a boyfriend hiding the intimidating toy (09:13)

Memorable Moments

• Hilarious riffs about men’s insecurity regarding toy size:

  • “You’re driving it home in his SUV…she has to put one of those reflective tapes on the back.” – Jeff & Jessica (09:41-09:48)

• Multiple callers reveal their secret rendezvous with “Bob,” often unbeknownst to their partners.

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2. Tales from the Toilet: Critters in the Bathroom

[12:13 – 23:33]

Key Discussion Points

• Kara’s Boyfriend’s Bathroom Mystery:

  • Kara recounts her boyfriend warning, “If I were you, I wouldn’t lift up the toilet seat.” (12:33)
  • Despite warnings, curiosity prevails and she discovers a mouse swimming in the toilet (!) (14:40)
  • The cast riff about mice making their way up through the sewer lines and the panic such a discovery would induce.

• Fears and Comic Relief:

  • Jessica and Kara discuss the anxiety: “Every time I go to the bathroom…I’m afraid something will bite my butt.” (15:58)
  • Melissa: “Hell yeah. Hey, Doug, you’re on Q100.” (19:19) – introducing a caller who confirms rats are common in Atlanta’s sewers and can come up pipes.

• Listener Stories:

  • Doug: Sewer rat expert, describes rats making their way up house laterals (19:20).
  • Kathy: Her mom finds a snake’s head poking out of the toilet in the dead of night (21:52).
  • Andy: An aunt finds a possum in the toilet (23:10).

• Ridiculous Solutions and Imagery:

  • The cast jokes about how to remove the creatures, from “greasing up” the mouse with detergent to Jeff’s classic line:
    • “I’d probably use a couple wooden spoons I would never tell Jessica I used…like it’s the Olive Garden salad.” (18:33-18:44)

Notable Quotes

• “There’s a little mouse and he’s swimming.” – Kara (14:43)
• “This will really upset you…I look at videos all the time of the sewer lines, and there’s always rats.” – Doug (19:20)
• “Oh, my gosh. My mom…went to the bathroom…and there’s a snake’s head poking up out of the toilet.” – Kathy (21:52)
• “A possum in the toilet.” – Andy (23:17)
• “I cannot tell you guys how disturbed I am that you can sit down, and…there could be a mouse or whatever in the toilet.” – Melissa (16:58)

Memorable Moments

• The cast’s over-the-top reactions to animal horror stories, with Lyndall and Jessica threatening never to pee at night again.
• Jokes about making sure nothing is “swimming” before sitting down, and the call-and-response of, “In my vagina. Two times he bite me.” (a recurring gag from the show)

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3. Humor and Group Dynamic

Throughout both segments, the group’s banter, rapid-fire jokes, and callbacks to running gags (“Bob,” animal horror, men’s insecurity) keep the segment high-energy and real, with plenty of oversharing and audience participation.

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Highlighted Timestamps

• 01:01 – 04:53: Discussion of Bob in relationships; communication woes.
• 07:09 – 12:13: Listener calls about integrating Bob; intimacy stories.
• 12:13 – 16:10: Kara’s toilet mouse story and host reactions.
• 19:20 – 22:50: Audience calls about rats, snakes, and possums in toilets.

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Takeaway

This episode is quintessential Bert Show: honest, raucously funny, and full of “OMG did that just happen?” moments. Expect frank talk about modern relationships, discomforts of intimacy, and some truly wild bathroom survival advice – all delivered in the cast’s warm, authentic, and unfiltered style.

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For fans of The Bert Show or anyone who loves real talk mixed with humor, this episode is not to be missed.

Transcript

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[Jeff]

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[Melissa]

So good.

[Lyndall]

So good.

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[Jessica]

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[Melissa]

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[Melissa]

Question. Because I have heard this now a couple of different times over the last couple of months. And the first time I heard it, I thought, eh, it's just some dude that. Some husband that has gotten lazy when it comes to being intimate with his. His wife. And then I heard it a second and I think maybe, well, maybe just two times over the last couple of months. So married couple. Married probably. I don't know. Let me just throw a couple of figures out there that make sense. Seven, eight years or something like that. Looking to mix it up in their relationship a little bit. So he introduces her to Insurrection Love shack type devices. Okay, okay, everybody got me.

[Lyndall]

Memory operated.

[Melissa]

Yes. Things that might just enhance the experience for both of them a little bit more. Get her motor running a little bit.

[Lyndall]

Some would call them Bobs.

[Jessica]

Bobs.

[Jeff]

Battery operated boyfriends.

[Javi]

Bobs.

[Melissa]

Which is where I'm going with this. So it was husband's suggestion in both cases to bring Bob into the bedroom. And wifey was the one that was reluctant about it. Oh, come on. We don't need that. Everything's going great. Everything's fine. But he insists. So they go together and they make that very uncomfortable walk of shame in the Insurrection parking lot. And they both go inside, they get something that they're both gonna be comfortable with. They walk out of there, they go home, they try it, and lo and behold, she likes it a lot. So much so that now he feels like it's getting a lot less because Bob is getting more like he's sort of been pushed out.

[Lyndall]

He has been replaced.

[Melissa]

He has sort of been replaced.

[Lyndall]

And it was his idea in the first place.

[Melissa]

And it was his idea in the first place. So he's not both of them. Not exactly sure now how to ever go back.

[Jeff]

And.

[Melissa]

And then I'm thinking there's no way back. There is no way back.

[Jessica]

Well, I mean, they have. I mean, they have to talk about it. Anytime a couple's changing any routine in the bedroom, they have to open those lines of communication. So if he's just, I don't know, like you there, you could wean a little bit. There could be sometimes where it's no. No technique, no bulgy allowed, you know, in some of their, you know, sessions. But I don't know.

[Jeff]

I mean, it's a Bob free zone.

[Melissa]

He was saying that he was afraid that if he brought it up that she likes it so much that she would be. She would be committing Bob. Infidelity.

[Jeff]

She choose Bob over him, where she's

[Melissa]

gonna start cheating with Bob rather than actually tell him that she's using it.

[Lyndall]

That's funny. So she'd be coming home in the afternoon, having session with the Bob.

[Jessica]

So who cares? I mean, if she does.

[Melissa]

Because he's getting it less.

[Lyndall]

Because she's already.

[Melissa]

Both of them are getting it less.

[Jessica]

But I'm just saying, if he brings it up. If he says. So what you're saying is that if he brings it up and then they start, you know, increasing time together, he's afraid that she. She's going to be doing that on the side.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Jessica]

And I'm saying, so what? Like if. If the sessions don't decrease?

[Melissa]

Well, he. I guess I'm speaking for him or them. So.

[Jessica]

Because I'm like, so what? I think the thought is what she does on her own by herself.

[Lyndall]

If it affects exercise.

[Melissa]

Right. If it's already replaced him, then it will continue to do that.

[Jessica]

I'm just responding to what you said about the reason. He doesn't want to say anything to her, so.

[Melissa]

Because he's the one that gave it to her in the first place.

[Jessica]

Right.

[Melissa]

So now to pull that. Now, obviously something that she likes so much. I'm speaking for them, and I'm just. I'm just rhyme.

[Jeff]

Yeah, hear you. I understand.

[Lyndall]

But I'm with. I'm with Melissa. If it doesn't hurt their sex life and it just adds to her libido, then go for it.

[Jessica]

Because some women may need.

[Melissa]

But it has extra time. What they're saying is it's dropped off.

[Jeff]

It's headed. It's added to hers, it's added to her, which Melissa's like, yeah, go for it.

[Melissa]

He's not getting nearly as much anymore. He Wants to go back to pre Bob days.

[Jessica]

I think he's just afraid to say anything to her. I think that a lot. I think there's so much misunderstanding between couples if you don't talk about your sex life, if you don't talk about how you feel. Because regardless of every. I think that there's. In most relationship, there's one person trying to keep up with the other one. I don't think. I think there's very few couples out there that libido is exactly the same, you know. So I think that people are so afraid to talk about it because they're afraid of bringing up the fact that one may want it more than the other, one may not. One may need some help, one may not like. And I think the more you leave that alone, the worse I think the misunderstanding is going to get.

[Melissa]

Are there women listening right now to the show that know that their husbands or boyfriends would be shocked by how many times that they go and pay Bob a visit each week?

[Jeff]

Now we'll voice this guy to you because we don't want you, your husband driving into work right now or sitting at the office and he spit his coffee all over the cube.

[Lyndall]

We don't need him driving off the

[Melissa]

side of the road. 404-741-Q100. Hey, Laura.

[Jeff]

Hi.

[Laura]

How are you?

[Melissa]

Good, how are you?

[Laura]

One very interesting possibility for a cure for all this and very simple. Men in hand lotion. Late at night when they go to lie down in bed, before they go to bed, kiss the wife on the cheek, roll over with the hand lotion, make that funny noise over and over and over again. Women don't like that. Women don't want to have something wasted like that without being involved.

[Melissa]

I'm just getting real nervous that she's going to say something. She's.

[Jeff]

I think she was trying to creatively say that he should take care of his own domain and do it in

[Jessica]

front of her so that she feels threatened.

[Jeff]

Oh, apparently men that she's been around who've done that make odd noises that

[Lyndall]

seems like passive aggressive behavior.

[Melissa]

That doesn't seem healthy at all.

[Lyndall]

Yeah, to me. I'm with Melissa. I think you just gotta talk about it. I mean, maybe, maybe next time they're intimate with each other, he can bring it up with her. Or maybe he can.

[Melissa]

Can't he just say though something?

[Lyndall]

Would you please stop that? That is really freaking gross.

[Jessica]

Bert was nervous about the collar and just.

[Jeff]

I don't understand what weird noise that she said he made.

[Jessica]

I like the owl Sound best that you did. I don't know what that represents.

[Kara]

No.

[Jeff]

Hey, Kara.

[Lyndall]

Bizarre.

[Stacy]

Kara, Am I in the voice adviser?

[Melissa]

You are, yes.

[Stacy]

Okay, well, I was saying my husband introduced Bob into our relationship when we were like two years, maybe not even two years into our marriage. And now we have to hang out with Bob before we can do anything together.

[Jessica]

Really?

[Melissa]

Really. So it's like part of the whole. It's. It's standard?

[Stacy]

Yep.

[Melissa]

Really?

[Lyndall]

Does that bother him?

[Stacy]

I don't think so. I think. Well, I mean, if you want it, that's what I have to do because that's the only way. I mean, every once in a while we might go without Bob, but it's pretty rare.

[Jessica]

I think for some women, they. The intensity. Sometimes Bob cannot be recreated naturally. And I think for some women, once it's introduced them, it's really difficult for them to be able to do anything without it.

[Melissa]

So what you're saying is without Bob here, that would not be nearly as good with your husband?

[Stacy]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Lyndall]

Would you still reach where you're trying to reach?

[Stacy]

No, I'm. Let's see. Bob is on the outside and for some reason I have just never been able to have fun.

[Jeff]

Got it.

[Melissa]

Gotcha. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

[Jeff]

Got it, got it, got it.

[Melissa]

I think as a husband, I'm gonna be all bummed that she can't get there without Bob's help. Yeah, bummer.

[Lyndall]

That's not good.

[Jeff]

What if your name is Bob and your wife also needs to use those and she's like, I'm gonna go spend some time with the Bobs.

[Melissa]

We could have chosen a different name and I would have been real happy with this. Good morning, Stacy. You're on Q100. Hi.

[Jessica]

Hi.

[Stacy]

Yes. I was actually at an adult party and I bought a Bob. And my boyfriend was very intimidated by his size when we brought him to the bedroom. And I continually used it because we had kind of opposite schedules and we had moved recently. And I pretty sure he has misplaced it on purpose because I can't find it anywhere.

[Melissa]

He kidnapped Bob.

[Jessica]

Isn't there a foul for straight women if what you bring home is gonna intimidate the husband? I mean, isn't that kind of rude

[Melissa]

if it's so much bigger than what he has? There's no competing with that.

[Lyndall]

It could be that all of them intimidate that much bigger.

[Stacy]

He's just very self conscious about it.

[Jessica]

They do come in size.

[Lyndall]

Well, is that because for years you've been telling him that size doesn't Matter. And then you come home and it's like, massive.

[Jessica]

Carrying it over her shoulder, you know.

[Jeff]

You're driving it home in his suv,

[Jessica]

she has to put one of those reflective tapes on the back of it so the car behind her doesn't, you know, stays far enough behind.

[Melissa]

Oh, God. Yeah. I can understand why he might feel a little insecure about it. Yeah. So he has. He's kidnapped it, I believe.

[Stacy]

I cannot find it anywhere. And I'm pretty sure I know exactly where I put it, and it is no longer there.

[Melissa]

We should call Blue Dog Investigations. We'll call Tracy over there. We'll find that thing.

[Jeff]

He probably threw it in the Chattahoochee. Hence the reports of an alligator there a couple weeks ago. See that thing floating down like. Oh, an overturned canoe. Where do you think the rafters are?

[Jessica]

No, that's right.

[Melissa]

Stacy's missing.

[Jessica]

There it is.

[Melissa]

Peggy, you're on Q100. Good morning.

[Stacy]

Good morning. I am running late right now because I was with Bob a little too long this morning.

[Melissa]

This morning?

[Stacy]

Just not too long ago.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Melissa]

Now, is this every morning

[Stacy]

quite often? Probably three, four times a week.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Lyndall]

And are you in a relationship?

[Stacy]

I'm married.

[Lyndall]

You're married.

[Melissa]

Does he have any idea that you're going to see Bob three, four times a week?

[Stacy]

Well, no, it was okay with him that we got Bob, but he thinks Bob is dead. But Bob's not dead.

[Lyndall]

New batteries.

[Melissa]

He is alive and well, isn't it?

[Lyndall]

Well, he's recharged.

[Stacy]

One part of Bob is dead, but the main part is not dead. So we had a little funeral, but I brought Bob back.

[Melissa]

Bob's been resurrected.

[Jessica]

Bob has come alive stronger than ever.

[Melissa]

He's at full charge.

[Lyndall]

I was gonna ask her if she listened to the bird show when she sees Bob.

[Jessica]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Melissa]

Hey, Nicole, you're.

[Jessica]

I just want to know that somebody's listening to us doing that.

[Jeff]

Just the entertainment buzz. The Bird show

[Radio Announcer]

support is available 247 with Verbo Care. We're here day or night, ready whenever you need help. Because a great trip starts with the right support.

[Melissa]

Producer. Lyndall, how are you?

[Kara]

Good.

[Melissa]

How are you? We need closure. We got half of a conversation in our post show meeting before we made Lyndall stop. And it's been driving Jeff and I at least crazy. Because it's pot of humor.

[Jeff]

Because that's a great sentence. Don't lift up the lid. Why?

[Melissa]

You want to explain?

[Kara]

Yes. Basically, I believe it was a couple weekends ago happened to my boyfriend Mike's. House. I go over there. We're going out to do something. And he just said, FYI, if I were you, I wouldn't lift up the toilet seat.

[Melissa]

Okay, now stop there for just a second. Does he have roommates?

[Kara]

He does. He has one roommate.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Jeff]

And do they have a guy, I'm assuming?

[Kara]

Yes.

[Melissa]

It's a shared bathroom.

[Kara]

No, it's not.

[Melissa]

It's just his.

[Lyndall]

Yes.

[Melissa]

So when he said don't lift up the toilet seat, he meant specifically for the bathroom in his bedroom.

[Kara]

Yes.

[Jessica]

And of course it's gonna make you go lift the toilet sleeve.

[Jeff]

Absolutely.

[Kara]

Of course. I was like, ew, what did you do? And couldn't flush. Like, it was just.

[Melissa]

How long have y' all been going out?

[Kara]

Like, two and a half years.

[Melissa]

Oh, okay.

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

So you're in that phase now where you can.

[Jessica]

Yeah. You can look at each other's toilet. Oh, yeah.

[Kara]

So I asked him, Obviously, I'm like, why? What is in the toilet? And he's like, you don't wanna know. So I go in there and I'm like.

[Melissa]

So he tells you to stay away from it and you go in anyway?

[Kara]

Cause I was curious.

[Jessica]

Of course.

[Lyndall]

Wouldn't you.

[Jeff]

I get that. Yeah.

[Kara]

I work with you in radio. You can't start off with, like, a good tease like that and not want to hear the end of the story. So we go into the bathroom.

[Melissa]

Melissa, this is a little like the Death Star bringing in one of those ships in Star wars, right?

[Jessica]

Exactly.

[Melissa]

It's a gravitational pull. You don't want to, but you're in the field.

[Jessica]

Yeah, exactly. You're being pulled in, and you're slowly going toward the toilet seat to lift it up.

[Kara]

I wouldn't lift up the toilet seat because I was just like, ugh. What if something. I don't know.

[Melissa]

You knew what you were doing.

[Kara]

I know.

[Lyndall]

Was he serious about it or was he joking?

[Kara]

He was totally serious.

[Lyndall]

But he. He was like, do not lift up the toilet.

[Kara]

He was serious. But I'm like, ha, ha. Are you kidding? And he was like, no. And normally that would be something funny he would say. But was not. On this occasion, I'm gonna start doing

[Jeff]

that around the building. Like, I'm just gonna.

[Lyndall]

Whatever you do, don't look in this brown bag.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but no, I'm gonna do it with the bathroom, and I'm gonna do it to women. Like, I'll pass him in the hall.

[Melissa]

You go.

[Jeff]

And you go to the women's room.

[Melissa]

Yep.

[Jeff]

Don't lift up the seat.

[Kara]

So we go into the bathroom. And I make him lift up the toilet seat. And he lifts it up and lo and behold, in the toilet seat.

[Melissa]

Oh no.

[Kara]

In the toilet.

[Jessica]

Oh no. Oh no.

[Kara]

There's a little mouse and he's swimming.

[Melissa]

Oh, I knew it. So the mouse had fallen into the toilet and was just like holding on for dear life.

[Radio Announcer]

This is.

[Kara]

Is the thing. He has two cats. They have free roam range of the house. If the cats had known that the mouse, slash rat, whatever it was, was there in the house, in the bathroom, there would been no. Would have been no alive rat. It would have been killed.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Jeff]

So he put it in the toilet for safekeeping. Where can I put this? The cats won't get it.

[Javi]

Splash.

[Melissa]

Cats don't like. Cats don't like water. Yeah. Where can I put my mouse?

[Jeff]

What should I do with this? Freezer, toilet. Freezer, toilet. Freezer, toilet. I'm gonna go to.

[Jessica]

Where did the mouse come from?

[Kara]

We looked it up and apparently, depending on where you live, if you don't have a septic tank and you are connected to the sewer line, the little

[Jessica]

rodents come up through the toilet.

[Kara]

He was on the first floor and so that was more of a possibility. But I looked it up online and apparently it happens to people all the time. Wait a second, all the time?

[Lyndall]

So we're gonna have a mouse in

[Melissa]

the toilet going in a completely different direction.

[Jeff]

So.

[Melissa]

And what part of town are we talking about here?

[Kara]

Sandy Springs.

[Melissa]

Sandy Springs, Right over there.

[Javi]

Haha.

[Lyndall]

That's where y' all live.

[Melissa]

And this is an older condo or an older townhouse?

[Kara]

No, it's just. It's not old, but it's not new. So it's just completely freaks me out. So now every time I go to the bathroom, I have to check, even if it's not his house, it's work. It's my house. It's the bathroom at the restaurant. I have to look. Cause I'm afraid something will bite my butt.

[Jessica]

Cause that's my biggest. What if you go and you're just

[Stacy]

sitting there, all of a sudden there's

[Lyndall]

a little biting bum.

[Melissa]

I would.

[Jeff]

Hey, Bert, do you have the audio clip from yesterday about where you could get bit by something?

[Stacy]

He bite me in my vagina. In my vagina. Two times he bite Melissa.

[Melissa]

You talking about the rat? Anyhow?

[Stacy]

In my vagina two times he bite me.

[Jeff]

Do you think. Are you sure? I mean, do you think perhaps he. He accidentally ate it and he didn't chew it and it just passed right

[Kara]

through his system to where it was still alive? And swimming fine.

[Jeff]

Yeah. And he dropped it.

[Jessica]

Lindell's been around Jeff long enough to say, oh, really? Is that what you have, Jeff?

[Jeff]

I'm gonna go drop some mice off at the pool.

[Melissa]

I can't tell you guys how disturbed I am at the fact that you can go to the bathroom and sit down and not know it. But you could have a mouse or whatever in the toilet.

[Jeff]

I've heard it happen.

[Lyndall]

Well, I guess you gotta double check before you sit, but I think I

[Melissa]

would notice what could happen even while you're.

[Jeff]

Did you see, like, a little. Like a little. Was there like, a little diver's down flag and some scuba gear? Like, how does he come up the pipe? How can I not get a mouse hold its breath for?

[Kara]

We looked, but I looked it up online because I was like, look, the Internet's gotta have people that have this happen to them all the time. And apparently you can. It gets caught, and you can try and flush it back out, but it needs some, like, liquid detergent to help it slide through the pipes a little bit easier. But he tried to flush it, and he did not go.

[Melissa]

I had flushed that thing 19 times.

[Jeff]

You would flush it.

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

But, you know, did you flush. Did you pick him up by the

[Lyndall]

tail and throw him outside?

[Melissa]

You don't touch it.

[Kara]

Did you give them to the cats he drowned?

[Melissa]

Yeah, you don't touch those. You don't pick up the rat. They have all sorts of diseases.

[Jeff]

Well, you also don't soap it up and send it back down the line.

[Kara]

That's what, like, sanitation and like, the water. Health people say this happens sometimes on their frequently asked questions.

[Stacy]

They tell you to grease it, grease the mouth.

[Lyndall]

PETA is coming after you today.

[Melissa]

Pick it up and grease it. Right. You're just supposed to put the detergent.

[Kara]

It's like dishwashing liquid. You just squirt it in a little bit, and it kind of breaks the tension of the water surface, and he can slide right on out. But it did not work because our little rat was a little bit too big.

[Melissa]

I can't believe how much sympathy you have for some random rat that's swimming around in your.

[Jeff]

Get a minute and get it out.

[Stacy]

I don't have a rat away.

[Lyndall]

What would you do? What would you do if there was one in your house?

[Jeff]

I would get it out of the toilet. What a terrible way to go.

[Melissa]

I'd drown it and kill it.

[Lyndall]

How would you get it out, though?

[Kara]

He would make Jessica.

[Jeff]

I would eat, like, probably a couple of wooden spoons that I would Never tell Jessica I used. And I would pick it up almost like it's the Olive Garden salad. Yeah, I'll use those tongs, and I'll pick it up like that.

[Jessica]

If it was too big to go down, how did it come up?

[Kara]

I have no idea. But we also have images of a cross section of a toilet, and it shows you how a mouse, rodent, whatever you want, can.

[Jeff]

I'm guessing that he probably. I'm sure the mice keep dishwashing soap at the other end of the pipe

[Melissa]

so they can rescue their friends.

[Jeff]

Hey, Javi, squirt me up. I'm going up into Lyndall's toilet.

[Melissa]

Apparently, it happens all the time because the phone lines are lit up with people that have found rats and snakes and everything else in their toilet.

[Jeff]

Well, the snake.

[Lyndall]

I get snakes.

[Jeff]

I understand snakes swim.

[Kara]

Snake and rats are apparently most common. But I'm just still afraid something's gonna bite me in my bum.

[Melissa]

Hell, yeah. Hey, Doug, you're on Q100.

[Jeff]

I found a horse.

[Javi]

Good morning, guys. This will really upset you. I. I do a lot of repairs in the city of Atlanta, and I look at videos all the time of the sewer lines, and there's always rats in the sewer.

[Jeff]

I got no. I got no issue with that.

[Javi]

But they run up the laterals to the house. So if where's videoing the line and you see a rat, all of a sudden, he'll make a right or a left and haul bud up, up the lateral. So you know he's heading to that house. Right.

[Jeff]

But can he swim through the pipe?

[Laura]

He walks.

[Melissa]

He walks through. So the pipes aren't filled with water. There's just a little time.

[Javi]

Some of the lines have, you know, maybe, you know, 20%, 30% water flowing through them. But he walks through the lines, and, you know, you'll turn the camera and look up the lateral, and you'll sudden. You'll see whiskers. He'll be looking at you.

[Melissa]

There he is, giving you the peace sign.

[Jeff]

So can you. So, like. So he. Like, Then what happens when he gets to the toilet? Like, how does he get in?

[Javi]

I can't tell you that. I'm not a plumber. I don't know how he gets through the toilet, but it happens all the time.

[Melissa]

Oh, God. Phone lines are lit up with people saying the same thing.

[Lyndall]

Can you imagine if you were going to the bathroom and then you heard some splashing and movement around?

[Jeff]

How freaked out you would be that you freaked out of here before you got there? Oh, my God. I cracked a mouse

[Melissa]

a night after compound. The next morning after compound, you're like, what did I eat at Landmark Diner? Good morning, Becky. You're like, you in Andre.

[Jeff]

You wouldn't even be able to tell your wife that, like, ah, Jessica,

[Melissa]

I

[Jeff]

gotta go to the doctor.

[Stacy]

You can't go my vagina two times. Invite me.

[Jeff]

Can you imagine if somebody actually goes to the doctor with that? Why are you here? Well,

[Lyndall]

there was a mouse. It's a mouse and a john.

[Jeff]

I didn't actually. I mean, I think I gotta be honest with you. I think I felt the whiskers of it coming out.

[Melissa]

Becky, you're on Q100. Good morning.

[Lyndall]

Poor Melissa was.

[Laura]

Before she got here today, I was just gonna tell you that I worked for a wildlife removal company. And you would be shocked at how many people in Atlanta have roof rats living in their house among them every day.

[Melissa]

Really?

[Laura]

Well, probably about 75% of the houses in Buckhead and Sandy Springs and all of that have roof rats.

[Melissa]

Those don't bother me. The toilet is what really bothers me.

[Jessica]

Fine, fine. Just stay out of my butt.

[Stacy]

My vagina.

[Melissa]

Good morning, Kathy. You're on Q100.

[Stacy]

Oh, my gosh. My mom was about 60 years old at the time and went to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

[Jeff]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Stacy]

Oh, no. Oh, no. Usually. Usually Never turns the light on and happened to turn it on. And there's a snake's head poking up out of the toilet.

[Melissa]

Oh, hell, no.

[Stacy]

God, yes. And they, her and my dad got

[Laura]

a pillowcase and cough a thing. And I would have bashed it to death, but I thought they said it was raining.

[Melissa]

That's it for going into that bathroom. I could never go into that bathroom ever again.

[Lyndall]

Or get up in the middle of the night and pee ever again.

[Jessica]

I would not pee ever.

[Melissa]

Oh, I mean, it's call after call. Rats and snakes, man. You gotta look at that toilet before you actually sit down on it.

[Kara]

There's no more of going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You have to turn all the lights on and do a double check before you sit down.

[Melissa]

Absolutely.

[Stacy]

In my vagina. Two times. He bite me.

[Melissa]

Rebecca had to go, but she was calling to tell us that she had a plumber snaked the wrong toilet and hit a guy in the butt.

[Lyndall]

Oh,

[Jessica]

no.

[Lyndall]

To see his face.

[Jeff]

How fast do you run if you're sitting there and all of a sudden. Yeah. And all of a sudden something pokes

[Jessica]

you in the ass?

[Melissa]

Hey, Andy, you're IQ 100. Good morning.

[Jeff]

Hey.

[Melissa]

I'm gonna tell you.

[Javi]

A few years ago, my aunt sat

[Jeff]

down on the toilet and heard some

[Javi]

splashing around and looked down and there's

[Jeff]

a possum in the toilet.

[Melissa]

Good.

[Jeff]

It's an ongoing joke in our town

[Javi]

for a few years.

[Jeff]

But, yeah, I possum in the toilet.

[Lyndall]

How in the world would a possum get in there?

[Melissa]

I don't want to know. It's already freaking me out.

[Jeff]

Is that a possum in your toilet, or did you just go to the Varsity? The Birch Show?