The Bert Show: Full Show PT 2 (March 3, 2026 Vault Episode)

Podcast Summary

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show offers a mix of humor, relationship talk, and some extremely candid listener stories. The primary themes revolve around two standout topics: introducing “Bob” (Battery Operated Boyfriend) into relationships and shocking tales of critters found in toilets. The cast – Melissa, Jeff, Lyndall, Jessica, Kara, Javi, and callers – keeps the tone light and irreverent, blending honesty about intimacy with funny, sometimes cringe-worthy, anecdotes from their own lives and listeners’.

1. Relationship Talk: “Bob” in the Bedroom

[01:01 – 12:13]

Key Discussion Points

• Introducing Bob:

  • Melissa kicks off a candid discussion: “Married couple…looking to mix it up…so he introduces her to Insurrection Love shack type devices.” (01:01)
  • The device, a vibrator referred to as “Bob” (Battery Operated Boyfriend), is often initially suggested by the husband but sometimes ends up becoming “competition.”
  • Melissa: “[She] likes it a lot. So much so that now he feels like…he’s sort of been pushed out” (02:35)
  • The cast jokes about the “replacement” dynamic and ensuing awkwardness.

• Communication is Key:

  • Jessica advocates for frank intimacy talks: “Anytime a couple’s changing any routine in the bedroom, they have to open those lines of communication.” (02:54)
  • The group discusses insecurity, fear of bringing up mismatched libidos, and the classic struggle of one partner feeling left out.
  • Jessica: “If you don’t talk about your sex life…misunderstanding is going to get [worse].” (04:53)

• Listener Calls:

  • Laura (05:52): Suggests the husband should try to make his own use of “hand lotion” obvious so his wife feels left out, a strategy the hosts view as passive aggressive.
  • Stacy (07:09): Shares that she and her husband now “have to hang out with Bob before we can do anything together” – Bob has become a standard part of their intimacy, though it doesn’t seem to trouble her husband.
  • Another Stacy (08:44): Her boyfriend was intimidated by Bob’s size and may have “kidnapped” or hidden it, sparking playful jokes about men’s insecurities.

• Frequency & Honesty:

  • A caller named Peggy admits she “was with Bob a little too long this morning,” using it “three, four times a week” while her husband is unaware.
  • Peggy: “He thinks Bob is dead. But Bob’s not dead.” (11:01) – the cast cracks up over the idea of “resurrected” toys.

Notable Quotes

• “He has sort of been replaced. And it was his idea in the first place!” – Melissa (02:36-02:40)
• “If you don’t talk about your sex life…the misunderstanding is going to get [worse].” – Jessica (04:53)
• “He kidnapped Bob.” – Melissa, on a boyfriend hiding the intimidating toy (09:13)

Memorable Moments

• Hilarious riffs about men’s insecurity regarding toy size:

  • “You’re driving it home in his SUV…she has to put one of those reflective tapes on the back.” – Jeff & Jessica (09:41-09:48)

• Multiple callers reveal their secret rendezvous with “Bob,” often unbeknownst to their partners.

2. Tales from the Toilet: Critters in the Bathroom

[12:13 – 23:33]

Key Discussion Points

• Kara’s Boyfriend’s Bathroom Mystery:

  • Kara recounts her boyfriend warning, “If I were you, I wouldn’t lift up the toilet seat.” (12:33)
  • Despite warnings, curiosity prevails and she discovers a mouse swimming in the toilet (!) (14:40)
  • The cast riff about mice making their way up through the sewer lines and the panic such a discovery would induce.

• Fears and Comic Relief:

  • Jessica and Kara discuss the anxiety: “Every time I go to the bathroom…I’m afraid something will bite my butt.” (15:58)
  • Melissa: “Hell yeah. Hey, Doug, you’re on Q100.” (19:19) – introducing a caller who confirms rats are common in Atlanta’s sewers and can come up pipes.

• Listener Stories:

  • Doug: Sewer rat expert, describes rats making their way up house laterals (19:20).
  • Kathy: Her mom finds a snake’s head poking out of the toilet in the dead of night (21:52).
  • Andy: An aunt finds a possum in the toilet (23:10).

• Ridiculous Solutions and Imagery:

  • The cast jokes about how to remove the creatures, from “greasing up” the mouse with detergent to Jeff’s classic line:
    • “I’d probably use a couple wooden spoons I would never tell Jessica I used…like it’s the Olive Garden salad.” (18:33-18:44)

Notable Quotes

• “There’s a little mouse and he’s swimming.” – Kara (14:43)
• “This will really upset you…I look at videos all the time of the sewer lines, and there’s always rats.” – Doug (19:20)
• “Oh, my gosh. My mom…went to the bathroom…and there’s a snake’s head poking up out of the toilet.” – Kathy (21:52)
• “A possum in the toilet.” – Andy (23:17)
• “I cannot tell you guys how disturbed I am that you can sit down, and…there could be a mouse or whatever in the toilet.” – Melissa (16:58)

Memorable Moments

• The cast’s over-the-top reactions to animal horror stories, with Lyndall and Jessica threatening never to pee at night again.
• Jokes about making sure nothing is “swimming” before sitting down, and the call-and-response of, “In my vagina. Two times he bite me.” (a recurring gag from the show)

3. Humor and Group Dynamic

Throughout both segments, the group’s banter, rapid-fire jokes, and callbacks to running gags (“Bob,” animal horror, men’s insecurity) keep the segment high-energy and real, with plenty of oversharing and audience participation.

Highlighted Timestamps

• 01:01 – 04:53: Discussion of Bob in relationships; communication woes.
• 07:09 – 12:13: Listener calls about integrating Bob; intimacy stories.
• 12:13 – 16:10: Kara’s toilet mouse story and host reactions.
• 19:20 – 22:50: Audience calls about rats, snakes, and possums in toilets.

Takeaway

This episode is quintessential Bert Show: honest, raucously funny, and full of “OMG did that just happen?” moments. Expect frank talk about modern relationships, discomforts of intimacy, and some truly wild bathroom survival advice – all delivered in the cast’s warm, authentic, and unfiltered style.

For fans of The Bert Show or anyone who loves real talk mixed with humor, this episode is not to be missed.