Full Show PT 2: Wednesday, April 1 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Wednesday, April 1 [Vault]

Air Date: April 1, 2026
Main Theme: Lighthearted, authentic morning radio; a mix of listener dramas, relationship advice, real-life updates, and offbeat entertainment news with the Bert Show's signature humor and honesty.

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Overview

In this episode, The Bert Show cast keeps their signature blend of real talk and comedic banter front and center. The episode features a lively discussion on the do's and don’ts of flirty texting (with guest experts), an emotional update in their "weight loss or property loss" challenge, entertaining stories from listener call-ins about headbutting, a deep-dive into dating dynamics (with a focus on 'retread' relationships), and playful commentary on interpersonal differences between men and women. The show wraps up with a humorous but pointed discussion about whether pregnant women are "smug," highlighted by a satirical song.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Flirtexting: Relationship Texting Etiquette

Guest experts: Deborah Goldstein & Olivia Banis Chewitz
Timestamps: 00:56 – 11:23

Main Topics:

• The right way to flirt via text: Strategies, mistakes, and empowerment.
• How to handle late-night texts, 'booty bombs,' and ambiguous intentions from guys.
• How technology changes dating communication—when to delay, engage, or disengage.
• The risks (and occasional hilarity) of drunk texting.
• Transitioning from flirty texts to "sexting," with major caveats for privacy and maturity.

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• On leaving a conversation open for the guy:

  “We basically say your word should be–his should be the last word. So it’s almost like leaving a text hook.” – Olivia Banis Chewitz (03:14)

• On not overtexting:

  “You want him texting more than you're texting him.” – Deborah Goldstein (04:06)

• On not being too eager:

  “Take a step back. You can think of something brilliant to write back if you just kind of let that excitement contain itself and then come back to it...” – Olivia Banis Chewitz (05:08)

• On the perils of drunk texting:

  “A girlfriend of mine told me one night... ‘I’ve never regretted not texting the next day.’” – Melissa (06:26)

• On late-night guy texts:

  “A guy texts you after 10:00PM? He’s only looking for a good time. Train him to call you during daylight hours.” – Olivia Banis Chewitz (07:26)

• On “sexting:”

  “Sexting should be reserved for two mature, committed people. ...Just proceed with caution.” – Olivia Banis Chewitz (09:08) “Guys never send girls pictures unless she asks for them. That is the biggest turnoff.” – Deborah Goldstein (09:40)

• Golden rule:

  “Be confident in your text. Know what you want and put it out there. ...Chivalry never left.” – Olivia Banis Chewitz (10:19)

Segment Highlight:

The lighthearted admission that many texting mishaps come from impatience or alcohol, and the affectionate recommendation to have a "sponsor" (trusted friend) to text at risky moments. The recurring theme: texting is strategic, but should also respect oneself and the other person's boundaries.

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2. Listener Challenge: Weight Loss or Property Loss – Wendy’s Emotional Journey

Timestamps: 11:24 – 21:10

Main Topics:

• “Weight Loss or Property Loss” challenge: Listeners pledge a valued possession for accountability.
• Wendy’s personal story: Losing weight after her husband’s suicide, motivated by risking her Marine Corps funeral flag.
• The emotional stakes, community support, and the final weigh-in in-studio.

Notable Quotes:

• On her unique motivation:

  “I gave up the flag that the Marine Corps gave me at my husband’s funeral, and that was going to be my motivation to get back to the person I needed to be.” – Wendy (13:00)

• On emotional transformation:

  “Something about this week, when I thought about him, instead of crying because I was sad, I cried because I was happy. And I know that was him.” – Wendy (16:10)

• On accountability:

  “I feel great. And that was my ultimate goal, was to start getting back to the person I knew I was supposed to be.” – Wendy (17:46)

• Celebration:

  “She’s at 148!” (cheers) – Melissa & team as Wendy steps on the scale and achieves her goal (18:31—18:56)

Segment Highlight:

An uplifting, vulnerable, and real segment that celebrates personal perseverance, the supportive power of community, and the importance of meaningful goals.

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3. Comedy Segment: Headbutting Stories—Fact or Fiction?

Timestamps: 21:22 – 26:48

Main Topics:

• The cast debates if women ever headbutt in arguments or fights.
• Phones light up as listeners (women!) recount tales of honest-to-goodness headbutts.
• Surprises abound as stories range from high school brawls to skating rink showdowns, and one “chronic headbutter.”

Notable Quotes:

• Disbelief, then surprise:

  “My assumption was that no woman has ever headbutted another woman. And the phone lines are lit up with women saying, ‘Oh yeah, bring it on.’” – Bird (24:34)

• Caller confessions:

  “My sister is a chronic headbutter. ...She actually headbutted...her boyfriend...and he had to get three stitches in his forehead.” – Caller (26:01) “She called me the wrong name and tried to reach for my hair. ... I lunged forward and busted her forehead open.” – Katie, listener (23:27)

Segment Highlight:

A stereotypically “male” move, but listeners (and the cast) are plenty amused by how women are more than capable of bringing the headbutt into the real world.

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4. Men, Women, and ‘Retreads’ – Dating Double Standards and the “Depth Chart”

Timestamps: 26:48 – 35:20

Main Topics:

• Melissa shares the “retread” concept she learned from male friends: revisiting ex-partners for comfort or convenience.
• The group debates whether men do this out of emotion or simplicity.
• The “depth chart” analogy for backup romantic options.
• Women express concerns over emotional stakes; men keep it simple.

Notable Quotes:

• On ‘retreads’:

  “That’s dangerous. If he ever leaves his phone on the next day...” – Bird, on a guy with an ex programmed as “retread” (28:50) “It’s an insurance maneuver...Guys like new, but new is hard to get.” – Bert (33:33)

• On women vs. men’s motivations:

  “Women are trying to keep their numbers down. ...Whereas guys, we don’t care. We couldn’t care less.” – Bird (29:53)

• On being the backup:

  “Those retreads are your safety nets. ...It’s not the people you’d initially want to hook up with tonight, but it’s nice for them to be there.” – Bird (33:47)

• Bert’s tongue-in-cheek advice:

  “If women were just sluttier, you’d save yourselves a lot of heartbreak.” – Bert (34:22)

Segment Highlight:

An endlessly amusing, sometimes irreverent, always honest look at the emotional cost of keeping exes “on the bench,” complete with sports metaphors and the show's signature banter.

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5. Pregnant Women Are Smug: Humor, Satire, and Real Talk

Timestamps: 35:32 – 42:11

Main Topics:

• Listener emails about receiving an anonymous “smug pregnant women” parody song.
• The Bert Show listens and reacts to the YouTube satire.
• A real discussion follows: Is there a stereotype that pregnant women can get condescending?
• Both empathy and amusement as the team and guests recognize and laugh at the trope.

Notable Quotes:

• On the “smug” phenomenon:

  “Pregnant women are smug. Everyone knows it. Nobody says it. Because they’re pregnant.” – Song lyric (38:48)

• On honesty about gender preference:

  “Honestly, I wanted a girl. I could never say it until I was having it.” – Tracy (41:02)

• On self-awareness:

  “I would like to say I’m offended, but I agree with the song.” – Tracy (41:02)

• Real-world empathy:

  “It doesn’t matter if you’re smug for nine months because you’re about to work harder than you ever have for the rest of your life.” – Devin, caller (41:49)

Segment Highlight:

Bawdy humor with a ring of truth—and heartfelt acknowledgment for the challenges of pregnancy.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Flirtexting Dos & Don'ts (w/ guests): 00:56 – 11:23
• Weight Loss or Property Loss (Wendy): 11:24 – 21:10
• Headbutting Stories: 21:22 – 26:48
• Men, Women & Retreads (Dating Depth Chart): 26:48 – 35:20
• Pregnant Women Are Smug (Song & Discussion): 35:32 – 42:11

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• "Take a step back...let that excitement contain itself and then come back to it..." – Olivia Banis Chewitz (05:08)
• “I gave up the flag that the Marine Corps gave me at my husband’s funeral...that was my motivation to get back to the person I needed to be.” – Wendy (13:00)
• “My assumption was that no woman has ever headbutted another woman. And the phone lines are lit up...” – Bird (24:34)
• “If women were just sluttier, you’d save yourselves a lot of heartbreak.” – Bert (34:22)
• “Pregnant women are smug. Everyone knows it. Nobody says it.” – Satirical song lyric (38:48)

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Summary Tone

The episode is warm, irreverent, and conversational, blending genuine emotional moments (like Wendy’s weight-loss story) with raucous, sometimes self-deprecating humor. The recurring message: life, love, and communication are complicated—but a little laughter and honesty go a long way.

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For listeners new and old, this episode is a true reflection of The Bert Show’s knack for mixing depth with fun, making your morning feel both lighter and more connected to the world—and the lives of others sharing it with you.

Transcript

[Wendy]

Are you really buying a car online on Autotrader right now?

[Melissa]

Really? I can get super specific with dealer listings and see cars based on my budget.

[Jen]

You can really have it delivered or pick it up.

[Bird]

I think kid is walking up the slide.

[Tracy]

Really?

[Melissa]

Autotrader, Buy your car online. Really?

[Bird]

The bird show.

[Jen]

Bird is so technically challenged.

[Bird]

No, no, it's not me.

[Jen]

There's no reason. You claim every phone and every computer.

[Bird]

Help me out on this.

[Jen]

He's so technically challenged that, wow, he screwed this up.

[Bert]

We were going.

[Bird]

I was having these guys transcribe the text between and our boyfriend, and as they're going down, we realize there's a fatal flaw here.

[Tracy]

Well, there's several different phone numbers, and Burt never programmed their names into the phone, so I couldn't figure out who was who.

[Bert]

Oh, no.

[Tracy]

So I went ahead and programmed their names, and it turns out there's two different guys. And Bert's texting them, thinking it's the same guy.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Dude, you're two timings dude.

[Tracy]

Even more of a boo. And he thinks he's texting this guy we're talking about. He was actually texting somebody totally different.

[Bird]

So one guy would respond, and then I would text a different guy, and now we're talking about it on the radio.

[Deborah Goldstein]

How did you ever think this was a good idea?

[Bird]

Yeah, I told her. I said, look, I don't want to do this, and.

[Tracy]

Are you kidding me? Wendy, when are you going to get that number out? Wendy? I'm ready to start texting, Wendy.

[Wendy]

I'm good at this.

[Bert]

I feel like we all owe Wendy a big hug and I'm sorry as

[Bird]

we leave the studio today.

[Bert]

Like, she should just line up like it's a wedding and we should all just apologize for letting this even happen.

[Melissa]

I just want to know what you

[Wendy]

said to the guy from St. Patrick's Gate.

[Bird]

Yeah, he's not nearly as interesting as the other guy, but there's one guy that I really think is right for us.

[Bert]

How many people thought they were the same?

[Melissa]

Great for us.

[Bird]

I love that he's been witty with us.

[Melissa]

He's keeping up.

[Tracy]

He was a nice guy, and I trusted you.

[Bird]

I was telling these guys off the air. I was telling these guys off the

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

air, there were some boyfriends.

[Bird]

I wasn't getting responses back. And I'd go to my wife, and I'd say, I can't understand why he's not texting back. And I was visually upset about it.

[Melissa]

And your wife was consoling you. It's okay, honey. You can do better. Next time, you'll get your man. Now, I think as payback for Wendy, not just an apology, but I think we've got to call him and ask him if he'll come on the air with us. And you apologize. The one that she really likes, the

[Bird]

witty one, the other one.

[Melissa]

Who cares?

[Bird]

There's one that we're really interested in because he's just witty. For my real phone, it's the Florida guy. Whoever the Florida guy is. The University of Florida fan. That's the guy that we want to text because he's the guy that I think that we want to talk about. He's actually a bulldog fan, but I

[Tracy]

was the Florida fan, so that's what he talked about.

[Deborah Goldstein]

All this talk about him is gonna reel him in. I think now we have to just ignore him.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

So too.

[Bird]

Well, I feel like show him a

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

little leg and pull it back.

[Tracy]

Texted the right guy back.

[Bird]

Well, at least I feel like he's gonna start at a clean slate with Wendy once he knows that I was the one that would really hack the whole thing up.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Yeah, but now he's gonna question every text. Is this really Wendy?

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Mm.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

He tainted the text.

[Bird]

I can assure him that I will never try this ever again. I promise you that. All right. Jen, you said you had a couple of questions.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I do. I have some flirtexting questions. When you' to engage a guy, is it best to leave the last line a question mark so that it elicits a response?

[Bert]

Why do I feel like this would have, like, a maneuver? Oh, you mean the ending question maneuver?

[Deborah Goldstein]

Oh, it's in our book.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

I mean, we basically say your word should be his word should be the last word. So it's almost like leaving, like, a text hook. So, yes, you can engage it by asking him a question, but we also say don't send out, like, don't overanalyze it. And don't over text him with, like, specific questions that should be held face to face because, well, when he, you

[Deborah Goldstein]

know, if he says something or ask a question, if. The longer you wait, he's gonna freak out, just like girls do.

[Caller]

He's.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Why isn't she texting me? Was it something I said? He might text again.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

The key is to get him to. To want to be asking you all those questions. It's almost like, don't just send out questions just for the. The heck of him trying to basically get your response from him.

[Bird]

So is the. Is the. Is the answer err on the side of not enough text rather than too Much text.

[Deborah Goldstein]

You want him texting more than you're texting him.

[Melissa]

And you always want to. He's always the last one to send one.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Exactly.

[Melissa]

You don't have to always send a response.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

No. We say you never need to be like, the 101, the K. Like, you know how people.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Like, if he writes something, okay, I'll see you at 8. Don't text him back. Just don't text back K. It's just not necessary. He knows that you got the text message technology has almost perfected itself in that sense. So.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Just leave it alone.

[Deborah Goldstein]

And also a really big point we say in our book, which would help with this, is just because it's speedy technology does not mean you have to be speedy in your response. This is a text message.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Treat it like a letter.

[Deborah Goldstein]

If he wanted. If you guys have to talk about something immediately, he'll call or you'll call. So don't feel like just because he's

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

texting, you have to respond right then, within those seconds. But again, the 24 hour rule.

[Melissa]

Like, even when you want to, you almost should make yourself, like, take a deep breath.

[Deborah Goldstein]

We say never text.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Like a tarot.

[Deborah Goldstein]

That comes to mind.

[Bird]

It's like, what?

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

No, I said take a step back. Like, keep yourself busy. Because girls get excited when you get a text from a crush. You get excited and you want to respond right then and there. And what we say is take a step back. You can think of something brilliant to write back if you just kind of let that excitement contain itself and then come back to it in like an hour or two whenever you're ready to text him back.

[Bird]

What do you guys think about drunk texting? Do you always wait till you're sober?

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Tui. Texting under the influence? Yeah.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Because texting under the influence, it's not just drunk texting. It's texting with. When you have hormones, when you just saw a great movie, when you take in Ambien. Ambien everything.

[Tracy]

You should.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Not all these elements. It's really bad, and it's a big turnoff and you just wake up the next day.

[Bert]

Should there be some sort of, like, should you make the Password on your BlackBerry really complicated so that if you're so hammered you can't even do it?

[Deborah Goldstein]

I think you should just train yourself to know. And if you're going out and you

[Bert]

know you're drinking, you can't train yourself. After four shots of Patron, you're like, this is gonna make perfect sense.

[Deborah Goldstein]

It never does.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

I know, but you know what?

[Melissa]

We it's embarrassing.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

It's embarrassing. And you know the ramifications at this point. I think everyone's been in a situation like that and you just kind of have to really train yourself and have a little resistance with it.

[Melissa]

A girlfriend of mine told me one night when I was like, oh, should I write back this? Whatever. She goes, you know, I've never regretted not texting the next day.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Good advice.

[Melissa]

And I was like, that's smart. And I just.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

The next morning, just think of it, you're out, and you're like, I'm going to regret this in the morning when I wake up.

[Bird]

You know, there really should be. There should be an application that. It's like a breathalyzer that if you set it right, you blow into it.

[Bert]

You're patenting it right now.

[Melissa]

There's only like a select dovetail radio

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

burn that have access.

[Melissa]

Like, you could text your girlfriends or an emergency person, but not any. That's exactly what we say on your list. Who has male genitalia.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Let your best friend be your, like, safety net.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Text her.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

She will remind you of the don'ts of doing this.

[Melissa]

Yeah, my best friend calls herself my sponsor.

[Bird]

Right?

[Deborah Goldstein]

Love that.

[Bird]

Tell me what you were gonna tell him.

[Melissa]

Text your sponsor.

[Bird]

And Jen Authier asked you guys about, like, texts that come in late at night.

[Deborah Goldstein]

What's the line where you lnbt the late night booty text.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Okay, that's. We have a rule against that.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Anything.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

10:00pm A guy texts you, he's only looking for a good time. Do not text back like he's not being serious about it. Guys usually should text you or call you to ask you out before a date. And it should be done a day or two prior.

[Bert]

So what's the response to that?

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

The night off?

[Bert]

No response. Or do you write back like F you or what do you.

[Tracy]

No, here's what we say. We say, comes in at 9 o'

[Melissa]

clock and it's like, hey, girl, what are you doing tonight?

[Deborah Goldstein]

Okay, here's what we say, girl with the girls, if you like, if you like the guy, don't respond till daylight hours the next day. Train him how to teach you. Train him that to call you during daylight hours. Ask you in advance. You're not that girl. You're not that girl. If you want to see him. We're not mad at the girls who text back late night. If that's what you want to do, just know.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Know that that's what you're going to get out of. It is a good time.

[Bird]

How about Those guys that send out, like, I forget the name that we had for it, but the dude that sends out like the mass text to like,

[Deborah Goldstein]

beware, look out for those.

[Bert]

The booty bomb.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Yeah, they're totally tailored. They're prepackaged and they're so obvious.

[Tracy]

And call them out.

[Deborah Goldstein]

We know we were talking to one girl who said she assumed that what she got was a prepack with a text that he sent to a lot of girls and she totally called him out on it.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Like, mass text much? And it.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Ben. And it benefits you guys like responses that are different than what most girls say.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Yeah, most girls would be like, hey, yeah, I'm out. What are you doing?

[Bird]

And they wouldn't know if he text

[Melissa]

10 or come on.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Yeah, guys like a little, you know, give him a little bit of a hard time.

[Melissa]

Now, once you're dating somebody for a while, what do you guys think about the dirty text messages or the more.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Proceed with caution.

[Bird]

Leave it to Jim.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

You know this. I mean, sexting should be.

[Melissa]

Because some. Some guys think that it's. It's awesome and other ones don't and, like, won't.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

You know, to each his own. I mean, yeah, honestly, sexting should be reserved for two mature, committed people in a relationship. And I mean, there's suggestive image and content and you just have to assume that it's going to get out there and just proceed with caution. I mean, it's your relationship with this person. You should know, you know, at a point where it's in a mature level that you both can handle it.

[Bert]

You know, the first one always comes after the drinking that you're not supposed to be texting after anyways.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Guess what I just did in the bathroom. I sent her a picture.

[Bird]

Never.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Guys never send girls pictures unless she asks for them. That is the biggest turnoff. Why are you assuming. And I want a picture of that.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Like, come on.

[Bird]

Because guys, in that case thinking, like, guys, they're thinking that, okay, we want to see pictures of you. Creatures you must want to see.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

You guys are visual creatures. We don't really work that way. We like the funnies.

[Bird]

Right?

[Bert]

Yeah, I do that as well.

[Melissa]

The wittier the better.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Yeah.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

You love that, right? Yeah. The witty stuff is awesome and guys appreciate it too.

[Bird]

Give us one more golden rule of texting and then we'll go ahead and we'll link. It's a great book. It really is.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Thank you. I think a really good.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Oh, yeah.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

I mean, one of the biggest things is be confident in your text and you Know, know what you want and put it out there. But also a really important thing is, you know, chivalry never left. If you're on a date with a girl, just stow yourself. And the same goes for girls, like, have, you know, a little bit of flirtexticate in that sense.

[Melissa]

I like that word. That's cute. Flirtexticate.

[Bird]

It's a really great. It's an easy read, too. I mean, this is not like you're going to strain yourself late at night. Yeah, it's so fun. It's really good. It's called flirt texting, and we'll have a link up to it. It's by Deborah Goldstein and Olivia. Oh, boy.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Banis Chewitz.

[Bird]

Yes, it is. Vanna Chewitz. You know what?

[Bert]

That right there uses up all 160 characters. That right there. It'll be difficult. I will not be flirtexting with you.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Just flirtext my last name to me. You got me.

[Bird]

You got my heart. FlirTexting. How to text yout Way to His Heart. Go check it out. Thanks for coming in, you guys.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Thank you for having us.

[Bird]

That's really a lot of fun.

[Deborah Goldstein]

Follow us on Twitter.

[Bird]

Okay.

[Bert]

Is that your next book?

[Tracy]

Flirtweet us.

[Bird]

Flirtweet us. Thanks a lot, you guys.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Thanks, guys.

[Bird]

Guys, the Bird Show. Wendy here. We started this months and months and months ago with virtual listener Wendy. And we made the offer. We used to call it motivation by humiliation, but now it's weight loss or property loss.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Bird]

We got smart about this because years ago when we did motivation by humiliation, you would tell us how much weight that you had to lose by a certain amount of time. You'd make an agreement with us, and if you didn't make that weight, then we could do something to you, like put your picture up on a billboard or something like that. Well, we were finding in every case that mysteriously on weigh in day, people's phone numbers had changed.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Bird]

They left the state.

[Jen]

There's no way to get in touch with them.

[Bird]

Couldn't get in touch with them. So we changed things with this.

[Melissa]

Yeah. So this time with weight loss or property loss, everybody came in, shared their story with us, and gave us something really significant to them. Whether, I think the first guy gave us a title to his van, and he needs his van to, you know, get to work and home and all that other stuff. So that was vital to his life. And then the second listener that we talked to actually gave us her engagement ring. And then it was Wendy's story here that was the most intriguing. So Much so that we almost, almost didn't accept it.

[Bird]

We didn't want to accept this at all. We did not want to do this one. Wendy, can you recap for us that the day that you called in and why you were using this as motivation? Because even today, like, man, I didn't want to do this today.

[Tracy]

We haven't waited yet.

[Jen]

We don't know yet.

[Bird]

From the day we finally made her goal and agreed to do it, I was reluctant from it from minute one and just as reluctant today.

[Wendy]

Well, in short, I've been through a lot with my husband the past three years, and it was very trying and very stressful. And in the end, he took his own life. And all that stress from those years had put a lot of pounds on me and had affected me emotionally and all kinds of things. And I just got to a point where I knew I needed to get back to the person I knew I would have been at this point if I hadn't gone through all that. And part of it was the weight. Part of it was just getting back to being healthy and my happy self. So what I did is I gave up the flag that the Marine Corps gave me at my husband's funeral, and that was going to be my motivation to get back to the person I needed to be.

[Jen]

And then we initially did not want to take it. And Wendy's the one that had talked us into using that because she said that she. That would be a great tool to motivate her to lose this weight.

[Wendy]

That's the only thing. I mean, to this day, I believe that's the only thing that would have motivated me to do it.

[Melissa]

And it did it while you've been working out and doing all this?

[Wendy]

Yeah, absolutely. Like, we haven't weighed in yet, but I am pretty sure that I am there and I may have passed it a little bit.

[Jen]

All right, we're hoping so.

[Bird]

So you were kind of like you were hoping that he was going to be there alongside of you.

[Wendy]

Yeah. This week in particular, when I called in last Monday, I still had £7 to go, and I was in a panic. And I really felt like he stepped up and was there with me and rooting me on. And this week I went hardcore, just doing everything I was supposed to do, nothing I was not supposed to do. I have not put any liquid in my body in seven days that wasn't water. I haven't had a Diet Coke. I haven't had a tea. I haven't had a beer or a drink or anything. And I've Been out with my friends and drank water all night and they're all like, I can't believe you're at a bar for three and a half hours and you're drinking water. But I did it. I did high protein, no carbs, and worked out, did cardio. Started doing yoga, which is awesome. I feel great. I mean, I was running around this weekend telling people like, put your hand on my calf, let me tighten my muscle. And it was like, so awesome. And I put on clothes that I haven't worn in four or five years and it's just. I just. I feel great.

[Bird]

All that said, seven pounds is a lot of weight to lose in one week. It's a lot of weight.

[Wendy]

It is.

[Bird]

I think most doctors would tell you that's not even a healthy amount of weight to lose in one week.

[Wendy]

It's not. But for just that one week, I had to do it.

[Bird]

So some might question why you waited till the last minute if he was there by your side this entire time.

[Wendy]

He was.

[Bird]

There was so much at stake. He was not.

[Wendy]

He was not there by my whole. By my side the whole time. And there were a lot of times where I didn't feel him at all. And I'm one of those people that believe that your loved ones will be there for you when you need them. And he. I really felt his presence come to me about a month ago and it was almost like a little knock at the door. You know, you're getting close, you've got to do this. And then last week I just. I felt him with me almost 24, 7 and just pushed me to do what I needed to do. And, you know, it was something about this week, when I thought about him, instead of crying because I was sad, I cried because I was happy. And I know that was him. And I have to say, your listeners are great. Several of your listeners have found me on Facebook and sent me friend requests and have been cheering me on and rooting me on and all this. So I have to give a shout out to the Facebook friends from you all. That's been awesome.

[Melissa]

How cool. Yeah, they've been so supportive.

[Wendy]

Absolutely.

[Bird]

Alright. That said, we're all going to agree that this was the agreement that we made.

[Wendy]

Absolutely.

[Bird]

That if you're not underneath the goal weight. And are we allowed to say what the goal weight was?

[Wendy]

I said it. I started out at 170.

[Bird]

And your goal weight was 150. 150. By today, if you step on that scale right now and you don't hit 150, then we're going to have to do what we don't want to do and take the flag.

[Wendy]

I know, but I feel great. And that was my ultimate goal, was to start getting back to the person I knew I was supposed to be. And I know I am there and I'm still going and I am not going to let anything get me down.

[Bird]

So even though you feel great and we're glad that you feel great and your attitude has totally changed, in the spirit of the agreement is if you don't hit the 150, right?

[Jen]

Absolutely.

[Bird]

We're all in agreement on this.

[Melissa]

Melissa, shoes off, headphones off.

[Bird]

Spin a couple more times. You need to go to the bathroom one more time. Okay, ready? Jen, you want to take a look at the scale?

[Wendy]

I'm gonna close my eyes.

[Melissa]

And Tracy said before we went on the air, Tracy said this is the same scale that we used at the very beginning for the weigh in. Stepping one foot, two feet. She's at 148.

[Tracy]

She did it.

[Melissa]

Awesome.

[Bird]

You know when you. It's been months since we talked to you initially. Four months. Four months. And Wendy came in. Was this in studio when we took this picture? Yes, it was. And because we haven't seen her in months, it's a little hard to see the drastic change. You know, this was the picture of Wendy when she came in here initially. And now that you look at the picture, you could tell she was gonna lose the weight.

[Wendy]

I seriously, I'm wearing a little skirt right now that I haven't put on my body in four years.

[Bird]

You're feeling good?

[Wendy]

Oh, I am.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

I am so excited.

[Melissa]

That is just amazing.

[Wendy]

Wendy does fantastic and you probably even just see it in my face.

[Bird]

I could see when you walked in because I'm on Facebook with you also. And I could see the pictures also. And as soon as you came in, there was a little bit of relief. But that that number. Afraid you're gonna be one pound off and we're gonna have to take that flag for one pound.

[Tracy]

Congratulations.

[Wendy]

My Wii foot wouldn't lie to me. I got on this morning. Thank you.

[Jen]

And for new listeners, Wendy's deadline came before the others. So the two others we mentioned mentioned their deadlines haven't come up yet. So we still have those two other

[Melissa]

weight loss or property.

[Jen]

Weight loss or property loss.

[Bird]

So one dude is way past it already. The guy with the. The van.

[Jen]

The van.

[Bird]

Remember him? He either Facebooked us or emailed us and he's. It's not even close for him. He's getting the Van back, and he's gonna get the title. I can't remember. That was the second one.

[Melissa]

The engagement ring at the end of the year, I think that's not maybe till November, right? Correct.

[Jen]

Something like that.

[Bird]

And that engagement ring was to lose how much weight do you all remember?

[Jen]

I don't remember, but they've been married for 20 something years, so, I mean, she was determined that she was going to get that ring back, so we hope she does, but we don't have to worry about that till November.

[Bird]

No.

[Wendy]

Thank you so much. It's actually still in the safety deposit box, so I'm gonna be getting with Tracy to get it from her. She didn't want it to be in studio if I didn't lose the weight and have it me looking at it.

[Bird]

Mm, that's true. Yeah. Well, thank you for yourself and thank you for us.

[Wendy]

Thank you all for giving me this opportunity, because I seriously don't think I would have been able to do it without that severe of a motivation.

[Jen]

Well, I'm so glad you met your goal, so I'm proud.

[Wendy]

Thank you.

[Jen]

Congratulations.

[Melissa]

You did all the work.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Bird]

What a tremendous relief for all of us. I think I lost some weight today. The Birch Show.

[Melissa]

All right, Multiple reports say Kiefer Sutherland headbutted this dude at a party on Monday night and actually broke his nose with his head. So he turned into the real Jack Bauer.

[Bird]

Now, I thought this was headbutting. Was only happened in movies and on tv. I don't think it really ever happened in real life.

[Melissa]

Well, I guess he's been doing it on TV for 24 for so long that maybe it was just, like, instinct, like, he went into Jack Bauer mode.

[Bird]

That's a sophisticated move. And you got to be the right height also, because me 5 4. I can't. I'd headbutt you in the chest.

[Melissa]

The thing is.

[Bird]

Dude, what are you doing?

[Tracy]

Clear the coffee table.

[Jen]

I'm about to headbutt you.

[Bird]

That's my belt buckle, dude. You do nothing except hitting me in the belt buckle.

[Bert]

And the headbutt is a. I mean, that's like a stupid move, because what if you headbutt someone and knock yourself out? Can you imagine that? Bert and I are in a fight. I headbutt him and knock myself out. And Bird's like, that was an easy one.

[Bird]

You know how from time to time, we will challenge our listening audience and we will say, look, I'm sure I have a question that I can ask here that pertains to nobody listening right now. I'VE got one. I would like to talk to a woman that has been headbutt by another woman. Or you have been the woman that headbutted another woman. It just doesn't happen. That's why women are a higher level of species than man, because this is just a man thing. No woman would ever do that.

[Melissa]

I don't think so either, because we're too worried about what we look like to face some sort of facial injury.

[Bird]

No woman will call and say she's been headbutt by another woman.

[Bert]

Here's the problem. Here's the flaw in your theory. We're gonna get calls because as much as women care about their appearance, when they start scrapping with other women, it's not headbutting, man. There's. Yeah, you'll get calls.

[Jen]

They'll use everything.

[Bert]

When two women are going at it, there are fingernails, there are teeth, there is hair pulling. Different there. No way.

[Bird]

My mind's lit up.

[Tracy]

No way.

[Bird]

I may be wrong.

[Melissa]

No way.

[Bert]

We told you. You guys have seen girl fights.

[Tracy]

Headbutting.

[Bird]

There's not a full line available right now.

[Melissa]

You're kidding me.

[Bird]

Good. Good morning, Q100. Hi.

[Caller]

Hi.

[Melissa]

Hey.

[Bird]

Who is this?

[Caller]

My name is Katie, and I actually headbutted a girl my last year in high school.

[Melissa]

Freak show. You are a freak show.

[Bird]

Face to face. Your forehead hits her forehead.

[Caller]

Yes. I am actually a very, you know, classy young lady. I have great manners. But this girl called me the wrong name and tried to reach for my hair. And we happened to be the same height. And my first instinct was to lunge forward and bust her forehead open. I actually split her forehead down the center.

[Wendy]

Wow.

[Caller]

Because I hit her so hard, but I had a huge bruise on my forehead and had to walk around with that for, like, three months because it took forever to heal.

[Bird]

Did she hit you with the C word?

[Caller]

Actually, it was a combination of a improper name for a prostitute and the C word, so. And then a couple words describing dirty, and I'm definitely not any of those, actually.

[Bert]

You know, obviously, it'll be a different story for a different time, but whatever got her to call you. That is a fun tale, I'm sure.

[Bird]

Hey, Deborah. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hi.

[Bird]

My assumption was that no woman has ever headbutt another woman. And the phone lines are lit up with women saying, oh, yeah, bring it on.

[Caller]

Yeah, I brought it on. It happened at the skating rink when I was like. Imagine that. I was, like, 14 years old. She kept messing with me and messing with me. You Know, and back then there was like, the cool group, the nerdy group. Well, of course me. I was in the cool group.

[Jen]

Of course. Yeah, I can tell you.

[Caller]

Starting fights with me. And she tried to pick up a roller skate and hit me with it. And I went forward and I headbutted her, but I broke my nose.

[Bird]

Oh, yeah. Because it's an advanced move. It's a very advanced move. How about a woman that headbutts a guy?

[Melissa]

Oh, no way.

[Bird]

Hey, Matt. Good morning. You're on Q100. How you guys doing? Okay.

[Deborah Goldstein]

You got pwned by a girl?

[Caller]

No, it wasn't me. My girlfriend. Well, now fiance. Last year, we were at a movie. Came out of the movie. She got into it with her ex boyfriend's girlfriend or whatever.

[Bert]

The boyfriend tried to break it up,

[Caller]

grabbed her by the shirt, called her the F word. I don't know if you could say that on radio. Headbutt, straight to the nose. Broke it. I mean, blood everywhere. It was ridiculous.

[Bird]

Good morning, Angela. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, how are you?

[Bird]

I'm fine.

[Caller]

Actually, it wasn't me that headbutted, but my sister, she is a chronic headbutter.

[Melissa]

Chronic.

[Bert]

Chronic headbutter.

[Caller]

Yes. She's a lot older now, but in her younger days she would headbutt all the time. And she actually headbutted at the time. It was her boyfriend. They're married now. And he had to get three stitches in his forehead.

[Bird]

What?

[Jen]

I'm sorry, he had what in his forehead?

[Caller]

He had to get three stitches in his forehead.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

Three stitches.

[Bird]

Now, what brought on the headbutt?

[Bert]

Were they doing it?

[Deborah Goldstein]

No.

[Bert]

Okay. Were they fighting?

[Caller]

No, she wanted to fight. And he wouldn't engage with the arguing and talking and tried to walk away, and that pissed her off, so she attacked him and headbutted him.

[Bert]

Okay. Do you know what he said to the people at the emergency room? Because he didn't say, a girl headbutted me.

[Caller]

No, I do not know what he said.

[Bird]

He said anything.

[Bert]

He fell into a pole.

[Bird]

He said, I'll tell you what didn't happen. My girlfriend just didn't headbutt. Hey, the bird show. The bird show.

[Melissa]

Sometimes it's really fun to hang out with the opposite spec. Which is dudes. Species.

[Bert]

Species.

[Melissa]

Because they really are a separate species from us. And I had this experience.

[Bird]

You know what I like to say? Men are from Mars.

[Jen]

Oh, my God.

[Melissa]

Don't go there.

[Bird]

Women hate Martians.

[Melissa]

So I need to run this by you guys and maybe the guys in the room or the guys Listening can chime in on this, because I just don't know if this topic of conversation was specific to this group of guys that I was hanging out with or if this applies to all guys, because we had gone to the Hawks game on Saturday, and then afterwards went to Dantana's downtown, and we're hanging out, you know, just enjoying the. The Game seven win and so excited about it. But it turned out to be me, one of my girlfriends, and a whole bunch of dudes.

[Bird]

Okay, so you felt like you were behind enemy lines.

[Melissa]

Oh, we were, man. In the conversation. I mean, we were way Wendy's.

[Wendy]

Like, that's heaven.

[Bird]

I love that situation. I think that's how Jeff and I feeling here some days. Like. Yeah, like yesterday's conversation about sending pictures of your man's junk to other girlfriends. We didn't know that.

[Melissa]

You just get fascinated because when you're outnumbered, then you are, you know, the conversation by the men, it's dominating the women. Same opposite for you guys, right? So that's kind of what was going on. And they started talking about all kinds of things. And as the beers were flowing further, they got into, you know, more graphic topics. But this was one of the first ones they started talking about because one of the guys was texting an old girlfriend, right? And maybe gonna meet up with her later or whatever. And they were all hassling him about it and calling her a retread. Like she was the girl that he always would go back to. And I thought that only girls did that because it didn't increase your numbers.

[Bert]

Guys do it. Cause it's a sure thing, right?

[Bird]

That's your safe bet.

[Melissa]

They were saying that guys do it because they want to go back for the comfort of it. Like, that there was something comforting about going back to it. And they had named it a retread even. I think one of them had programmed a girl in his phone as retread.

[Bird]

Really?

[Bert]

That's dangerous. If he ever leaves his phone on the next day.

[Bird]

I mean, guys can call in on this. 404-741-Q100. But I think we said this on the show before, that once you start trying to figure guys out, dumb it down again. So I don't think it has anything to do with comfort.

[Bert]

But these are guys telling her this.

[Melissa]

Yeah, these are guys talking about. They're like, it's comfortable. It's really, you know, it's fun. Like, it's a sure thing.

[Bird]

It's really all it is. I don't know.

[Bert]

It's.

[Bird]

It's just it's there. It's easy. I mean, you've been there before. She knows what you're calling for. You got to get some. You got to get it done. It's easy.

[Bert]

Why do you text your old girlfriends?

[Bird]

Well, you'd have to ask Jessica Cups.

[Melissa]

My, my. I'm just curious. I was just. I was just fascinated that guys actually do that for maybe a different reason than it being just, you know, just simple.

[Bird]

Yeah.

[Jen]

I would do anything and not as an insult. Do guys do anything?

[Bird]

That's complicated.

[Jen]

That's complicated.

[Bird]

This is such a great example. When women do something, it always has. There's an ulterior meaning to it or there's just some. Something with more depth. Women are trying to keep their numbers down. You're trying to keep your number down. So you go back to the X just so you keep that number, your skank number below your skank number and your mental skank number. Whereas guys, we don't care about that. We couldn't care less.

[Melissa]

It was interesting to me because it seemed like they all. They all sort of agreed that it was. It was for, like, a comfort level

[Bert]

or they're just trying to make the girls there feel better.

[Jen]

I was going to say, do you think you were the audience that they want to make a more touchy feeling?

[Bert]

Any guy will do. Will be a professional ballplayer stepping to the plate. If you watch his routine of touching the bat to each corner and pulling his glove up and adjusting his hat, and then that's it. That's the most complicated thing any man in the history of men have ever done.

[Bird]

That's it.

[Jen]

There was a guy last night that

[Bert]

actually the President of the United States went for a hamburger yesterday.

[Jen]

Right.

[Bert]

Simple creatures, all of us.

[Bird]

Right?

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jen]

I think that it's because they. I mean, there's a part of me that thinks that they made it more emotional because you were there. They were trying to impress you with the explanation because they don't want to come across as.

[Melissa]

And I always thought that could be.

[Jen]

They don't want to drag their knuckles in front of you.

[Melissa]

Maybe. Maybe. And I always thought, too, that guys wanted always something new. Like, especially like, single guys, like, they were always after something new and fresh and whatever. I didn't think that they would even, like, go back to ex girlfriends enough to have a name for it.

[Bird]

Well, I think you got the first part of that right. I think that we would always like something new. But the reality of it is sometimes that situation doesn't present itself. Sometimes you fall off Friday night or a Saturday night. So when that doesn't happen, you gotta have a depth chart.

[Melissa]

I would be willing to know if she's a retread.

[Bert]

She knows.

[Bird]

Yeah, I think she knows. Like if you guys aren't seeing each other and he's just calling from time to time and it's don't you know?

[Melissa]

No.

[Tracy]

Agree.

[Melissa]

Doesn't there have to be like some. Like if he was coming back to you to pursue the relationship again, right. And really be serious with you, not just hook up for a late night booty call. How much time has to be in between your breakup? Does that make sense? You know what I'm asking?

[Bert]

No.

[Melissa]

Well, I guess, for instance, I have some friends right now that dated when they were 23 and now they, you know, broke up because they were 23, went their separate ways, had their separate lives, whatever, and now they're dating again at like 35. So he's full on re pursued that relationship, but that's not a retread because they're in another new.

[Bert]

Is he taking her to dinner and calling her like on Wednesday and saying, what are you doing Saturday night?

[Bird]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Then they're dating. Okay, but if he's calling her Saturday afternoon and saying what are you doing tonight? Then what he's doing is he's. What's it called, like when you're gambling? He's hedging his bet because guys do like new. But if he knows, if I know that you're the sure thing because you're the ex girlfriend, I might call you, see what you're doing later on. Hey, here's where I'm hanging out. Want to come by? I got a big trivia match of Fridays. Come on down and join me, all that stuff, right? But then if an hour and a half later I see Melissa, right? And she's, you know, what's up, daddy?

[Caller]

Hey.

[Bert]

And she just comes in and she. And she's in the bar and she's all, you know, she just won her synchronized swimming championship and she's drunk and partying and everything. And I start talking to her and I'm like, wow, you're good. Look at you. Hey, I'll totally blow you off because I can get the new. But if Melissa.

[Jen]

Cause I can wear my swim cap while we're doing it.

[Bert]

But then if Melissa. But then if I'm working the whole Melissa thing and by 9:30, I realize, 10:30, whatever, I'm like, this girl cannot possibly get drunk enough to love me. I know.

[Bird]

Even if it's for Five minutes.

[Bert]

Yeah, I know that. I've already called you. You know what I'm saying? So it's just like it's an insurance maneuver.

[Bird]

Right.

[Bert]

You keep the other girlfriend. Guys like new, but new is hard to get.

[Bird]

I've always felt like it really was like in a sports analogy, it felt like it was a depth chart to me. Like if backup quarterbacks.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Bird]

You got. Yeah. It's like, look at Florida State. They've got a starting quarterback.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Bird]

And if he goes down, then you have somebody behind him that can come off the bench that could do hopefully an equally as good job. But he's just not really quite the guy that you would really want in there. And then there's a third stringer and a four stringer. Those retreads are your safety nets. Those are not the people that you'd initially think I'd really like to hook up with tonight. But it's nice for them to be there.

[Melissa]

But sometimes becomes the star of the show and gets bumped up to first.

[Bert]

Yeah. It's rare, but it can happen.

[Bird]

Dating also. Yeah.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bert]

You know what I just realized explaining my whole theory with Melissa and at the bar and everything.

[Jen]

You like synchronized swimming?

[Bert]

Yes. Also, if women were just sluttier, you would save yourselves a lot of heartbreak. Because if Melissa would just give it up to me at the bar, I would never have to toy with you. And that would save you a lot of emotional turmoil. Melissa would get something she needs me, I would get something I need sex. And you would be saved a heartbreak.

[Bird]

So there's your advice for women. The first guy that you talk to in a bar, you should sleep with. Yeah.

[Bert]

Because you're saving other women immediately.

[Melissa]

My true advice is to be able to be able to determine if you're a retread or not. And if you are a retread and if this is happening to you, then you got to cut it off.

[Bird]

If he's going back time and time and time again and it's only for. I mean, it's pretty simple to figure out if he's calling you Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, late, late, lately,

[Melissa]

all that emotion, emotional caught up in it.

[Bert]

I know. And that's what makes it so great.

[Bird]

That's why it's guaranteed vulnerable.

[Bert]

That's why we're able to convince you at 8 o' clock on Saturday night that we really do love you. But not until midnight the first show.

[Bird]

I will warn you now, before I even play this song, that there's one line in here that's offensive. The rest of it you might find funny. Tracy, you may find nothing funny in it at all. Okay, Tracy, who is how far along now?

[Tracy]

Eight months.

[Bird]

Eight months.

[Melissa]

Almost there. Almost there.

[Caller]

Yay.

[Tracy]

There's gonna be a bombshell.

[Bird]

Baby, are you at the point of the just get this out of me stage?

[Tracy]

Well, I mean, she's not to the point now where. I mean, if she was born now,

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

she'd have to stay in the hospital.

[Tracy]

So I want her to stay long enough to where I can bring her home right away, but I don't necessarily

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

want to go the full 40 weeks. I'm ready.

[Bird]

Right. I understand that.

[Bert]

When is she officially done cooking?

[Tracy]

37 weeks. I think it's safe.

[Bert]

What's that date?

[Tracy]

June 5th.

[Bert]

I was gonna say don't pretend you don't know.

[Bird]

So this is the email that we got from our listener. She gets this thing anonymously, this video anonymously. And then she's so offended by it that she goes back to try to track where it came from. And the email address is gone. So somebody sent it, created the address, created the address, and then deleted the address because they knew that they were gonna inflict some damage.

[Tracy]

Hold up. Is this really just your way of playing something for me? Cause you're trying to send me a message?

[Bird]

No, because I'm with Jen. I really didn't know what the definition of smug was, so it couldn't be me saying that you were smug, because I really didn't know what smug was. But we found out today it is

[Melissa]

a high level of self satisfaction.

[Bird]

Right.

[Jen]

That still doesn't sound. I mean, it's almost like a condescending kind of. I don't know.

[Melissa]

Smug does seem to me to have that connotation.

[Bird]

I don't know.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Bird]

You know, when you see it, people used to call George Bush, George W. Smug all the time because he just had sort of that look like he knew something that you didn't. And he was very sad.

[Bert]

No matter what he was talking about, his lips turned up, so he always looked like.

[Bird]

I get it.

[Bert]

You don't.

[Bird]

But it doesn't matter to me because I get it.

[Bert]

Right.

[Bird]

Dear Burcho, I'm so pissed right now. Somebody sent this to me yesterday. It's not an email I even knew. And the address has been eliminated anyway. And then they write the F word. Coward, like Tracy. I'm pregnant with my first baby. I don't think I'm smug at all. Why would someone send this to me? Is it possible that someone I know is jealous that I'm pregnant and she's not.

[Jen]

Oh, well, there's a smug coming.

[Melissa]

That's pretty smug. Wow.

[Jen]

You don't even have to play this for me.

[Melissa]

I know you're smug.

[Bird]

She might be right. That right there might be your definition of smug that we were looking for.

[Melissa]

Exactly.

[Bird]

I think I know who it is too. Well, if your husband wasn't too much of a child to actually want to have kids, maybe you wouldn't be so bitter with the B word.

[Tracy]

She does deserve a smug video, so

[Bird]

she may have got this one. Anyway, I wanted to share this with you guys because I knew Tracy would be as offended as I am. I will find out who sent it to from Catherine. Been listening to you guys since I moved here from Lansing. Love you guys. All right, so here is the song. And again, there is one line in here that's just like, oh, come on, you didn't need to go there. And it's two women just sitting in front of the video and just doing their little acoustic thing here. And they've got a series of videos on YouTube right now.

[Tracy]

This is a song for all you

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

pregnant women out there.

[Tracy]

Pregnant women are smart. Everyone knows it. Nobody says it because they're pregnant. Epic. Son of a gun, you make it so deep now you give me the creeps. Now that you're pregnant I can't count all the ways.

[Caller]

How

[Tracy]

you speak in cliches now. So do you want a boy or a girl? Oh, it doesn't matter as long as it's healthy. Really? Because I don't feel like the two things are related. It's not like one or the other. Oh, really? As long as it's healthy. I can't wait to hear someone say don't care if it's brain dead. Don't care if it's limbless, if it has a penis. Pregnant women are smug, Everyone knows it. Nobody says it because they're pregnant. This is a world you're enjoying. Makes you really annoying. So is it a boy or a girl? Oh, we know but we're not telling.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

What are you gonna name it?

[Tracy]

Oh, we know but we're not telling. Who's the father? Oh, we know we're not telling. Bitch, I don't really care. I was being polite. Now since you have my life now that you're pregnant say you're walking on air. You think that you're glowing but you had been hoeing and now you're pregnant. You're just giving birth now. You're not Mother Earth now. Oh, my gosh, I have so much going on.

[Deborah Goldstein]

I got my novel published.

[Tracy]

I moved. I got married. Gosh, you know, everything seems so trivial

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

now that I'm pregnant.

[Tracy]

During gang violence in Mexico and I raped. I can't even really remember what I

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

did before I was pregnant.

[Tracy]

This seems so meaningless. Pregnant women are small. Everyone knows it. Nobody says it. Cause they're pregnant. Effing son of a gun. You think you're so deep now. You give me the creeps now. Now that you're pregnant.

[Jen]

Oh, God, that's funny.

[Bird]

Are you guilty of saying any of those things over the last eight months?

[Tracy]

I would like to say that I'm offended, but I agree with the song. I totally agree with, like, the whole thing about. You know, when people say, well, do you want a boy or a girl? There's so much pressure to say, oh, I just want it to be healthy. But honestly, I wanted a girl. I could never say it until I was having it. But it's true that you can still have a boy or a girl and they still be healthy. Just because I want one or the other doesn't mean I want a sick baby.

[Jen]

Seriously, Tracy hasn't been.

[Melissa]

No, I don't think I have. I don't think you have at all. I'm still laughing at you.

[Olivia Banis Chewitz]

I know.

[Melissa]

People who think about.

[Bert]

I can't even remember what I did before.

[Jen]

Yes, everything seems so trivial. I got pregnant.

[Melissa]

That was great. Life before children is trivial.

[Bird]

Good morning, Devin. You're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller]

Hey. I was just saying that I really think it doesn't matter if you're smug for nine months because you are about to work harder than you ever have for the rest of your life. Just a parent.

[Wendy]

You're smug

[Caller]

being pampered and, you know, whatever. If people think it's being smug, that's your definition.

[Bert]

Get it?

[Bird]

The Bird show.