The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Wednesday, April 8 [Vault]

Date: April 8, 2026
Host(s): The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, et al.)
Episode Overview:
This segment of The Bert Show delivers classic off-the-cuff humor and real-life talk, focusing on three big listener-driven themes: the concept of “born again” virginity, debates around parents providing contraception for teens, and a fun love story sparked by a mysterious cell phone photo album. The discussion is candid, unfiltered, and filled with audience calls, memorable analogies, and the trademark banter that sets this show apart.

Main Discussion Points & Recap

1. Hunting for Virgins & The “Born Again Virgin” Debate

[02:05–13:00]

Highlights:

• Melissa’s Superpower: Melissa claims she can tell if a woman is a virgin based on demeanor, explaining, “Once it happens...they mentally change their demeanor" (Melissa, 02:25).
• Field Study: Melissa and Katie visit Rio Grande in Buckhead to try to “spot virgins.” The night yields mostly “born again virgins”—women who consider themselves virgins again after a period of abstinence.
  • “It must not be virgin season, because I really didn’t sense [any].” (Melissa, 03:33)
  • Her process involves approaching women and asking, “I really don’t think you’re a virgin. Are you a virgin?” (Melissa, 05:41)
• Born Again Virgin Phenomenon: Multiple women claim “born again” status after six months of celibacy.
  • “Born again virgin came up more than once last night… the consensus was six months is the reset." (Melissa, 07:16, 08:49)
• The Cast Debate Logic of ‘Virgin Reset’:
  • "That’s not born again, that’s a drought.” (Jen, 07:33)
  • "You are not a virgin anymore once you engage in sexual activity. That’s it.” (Bert, 07:39)
• Analogy by Wendy: Compares virginity to running—if you haven't run for months, you’re still a runner; there’s no “reset” in experience.
• Listener Calls and Perspectives:
  • Patricia calls in to reinforce: “There is absolutely no reset button for your virginity … it’s a drought.” (Patricia, 09:53)
  • Maggie shares a wild story about a Bible camp hosting “revirginization ceremonies,” questioning the logic behind it and hilariously asking, “Did God actually reach down and reknit the hymen?”—for which she was promptly expelled from camp. (Maggie, 10:46–11:42)
  • The panel laughs and denounces purity pledges/re-virginization as confusing and “perpetuating confusion between men and women.” (Melissa/Wendy, 12:09)

Notable Quotes:

• "There’s no more born again.” (Jen, 07:52)
• "How does this restitch the hymen?" (Maggie, 11:30)

2. Should Parents Provide Birth Control/Condoms for Teens?

[15:39–24:42]

Highlights:

• Awkward Discoveries: Bert describes a tense dinner where he’s the only parent advocating buying condoms for his (in-hypothetical) son, facing five women adamantly opposed.
  • “I would want Hayden (his son) to come to me… If it comes down to that, I want to be there to help. I want to get condoms with them.” (Bert, 17:41)
  • The other parents argue that “buying is an endorsement,” preferring to “preach abstinence.”
• Gender Double-Standard?:
  • Melissa wonders whether the women would be as averse to providing daughters with birth control as with sons.
  • The group notes that birth control pills typically require parental consent, and theorize that women may be more willing to facilitate birth control pills for daughters.
  • Wendy notes, “The pill is something you ingest…but if you're actually buying condoms for your son, you can think of the physical act…” (Wendy, 21:17)
  • Jen underscores, “If you’re buying the pill for your daughter, you should also be buying her condoms.” (Jen, 21:38)
• Audience Calls:
  • Beth, a caller, shares that she got IUDs (5-year birth control devices) for both her daughters and says her husband is supportive (22:12).
  • Another caller, Crystal, says she put her daughter on birth control at 12. Bert is surprised; Crystal explains early proactive parenting is necessary given current trends (23:24–23:56).
  • The cast reaffirms: Proactivity is good parenting, and callers almost unanimously agree teens should have access to contraception.
• Underlying Message: The conversation jokes but also earnestly argues that abstinence-only approaches are unrealistic, and protecting kids means being honest and proactive.

Notable Quotes:

• “You’re endorsing it if you go and buy the condoms…” (Bert paraphrasing the dinner debate, 17:41)
• "That to me is ridiculous...you're going to turn a blind eye and risk your kids getting STDs over giving them a condom." (Jen, 21:09)
• “I think it’s good parenting to provide contraceptives for your kids.” (Crystal, 23:29)

3. “Cell Phone Destiny” – The Accidental Romance

[27:19–36:53]

Summary:

• The Backstory Recap (Jen): Beth buys a used phone and discovers dozens of photos of a “really hot guy.” She and her friend attempt to track him down at the bar seen in the photos. While they don’t spot him initially, they meet his friend, and eventually, the group hangs out together.
  • “She came across all these pictures of this really hot guy on her phone…[and] realized he was hanging out at a certain watering hole..." (Jen, 27:37)
• Beth’s Update (Beth, on the line): The romantic prospect is working out nicely. She spent an evening at his place, playing Wii and talking through the night, and he even gave her the bed out of chivalry.
  • “He was a perfect gentleman and he slept on the couch. And I was like, you don’t have to…he was like, absolutely not, you’re staying in the bed, I’m staying on the couch.” (Beth, 30:27)
  • They’ve hung out a few times, with things “progressing nicely” but she’s “just enjoying the moment.”
• Honesty Policy: Beth confesses she revealed the whole funny cell phone/photo story to the guy on their first night, and he thought it was hilarious.
  • “He just laughed so hard and thought it was kind of cool.” (Beth, 32:22)
• Matchmaking Joy: The cast teases Bert’s “Captain Destiny” persona, but everyone expresses genuine hopes for a happy ending, resisting the urge to inject drama.
  • "I want to prove that destiny works." (Bert, 36:07)
  • Wendy jokes, "Why am I the only one on this show who can see joy?" (Wendy, 36:47)

Notable Quotes:

• “Captain Destiny would not throw a stick into the spokes of the bicycle of love.” (Wendy, 33:36)
• “Good for you for chasing him down, finding him and hooking up. I think it’s great.” (Melissa, 34:47)

Noteworthy Moments (with Timestamps)

• Melissa’s Virgin-Hunting Field Report (02:05–09:17)
• “Born Again Virgin” Callers (09:51–12:02, 12:36–13:00)
• Bert’s Parenting Debate Story (15:39–17:41, main debate through 20:43)
• Callers Share Real-World Parenting Choices (22:12, 23:24)
• Feel-Good “Cell Phone Destiny” Romance (27:19–36:34)

Tone & Style

• Conversational, irreverent, and authentic.
• The cast does not shy away from disagreement but always circles back to playfulness and camaraderie.
• Listener participation is heavily featured, with sincere and funny perspectives celebrated.

Standout Quotes (Speaker, Timestamp)

• “That’s not born again, that’s a drought.” (Jen, 07:33)
• “You are not a virgin anymore once you engage in sexual activity. That’s it.” (Bert, 07:39)
• “Did God actually reach down and reknit the hymen?” (Maggie, 11:30)
• “I would want Hayden to come to me…If it comes down to that, I want to be there to help. I want to get condoms with them.” (Bert, 17:41)
• "If you’re buying the pill for your daughter, you should also be buying her condoms.” (Jen, 21:38)
• “He was a perfect gentleman and he slept on the couch…” (Beth, 30:27)
• "Captain Destiny would not throw a stick into the spokes of the bicycle of love.” (Wendy, 33:36)
• "Good for you for chasing him down... I think it’s great.” (Melissa, 34:47)

Conclusion

This episode is vintage Bert Show: candid and comedic takes on sex, dating, and modern parenting, sprinkled with personal anecdotes and listener stories. Highlights include the crew’s takedown of the “born again virgin” notion, a lively and occasionally awkward debate over parental involvement in teen contraception, and a heartwarming “destiny” narrative involving romance via a secondhand smartphone. If you missed it, tune in for the laughs, perspective, and the feeling you’re just hanging out with very honest friends.