Full Show PT 2: Wednesday, March 11 [Vault]

Summary

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The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Wednesday, March 11 [Vault]

Date: March 11, 2026
Podcast Cast: Bert (Bird), Jeff, Pam, Melissa, Michal, Richard

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Episode Overview

This episode is packed with humor, relatable chaos, and genuine conversation as the Bert Show crew shares their own holiday shopping horror stories, debates the strange “unwritten rules” of parking lots, fields listener calls about shopping season altercations, helps a recently single guy find a last-minute cruise companion, and surprises a cast member with the chance to star in a video game.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

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1. Holiday Shopping Madness & Retail Rants

(01:00–13:00)

• Seasonal Shopping Frustrations:
  The hosts dive into the insanity of holiday shopping, discussing everything from manufactured scarcity (“Nintendo’s famous for this,” [01:19], Jeff) to cutthroat parking lot tactics.

• Discussion of Hot Item Scarcity:

  • Companies sometimes artificially limit availability to build hype.
  • “Nintendo's famous for this. Like they know that they're gonna sell 1 million game systems, so they manufacture 600,000 just to create the hysteria…” – Jeff [01:19]

• Parking Lot Drama:

  • Stories abound of people fighting over parking spaces, waiting endlessly, and “marking territory” with their blinkers.
  • “It’s more about wins and losses at this point.” – Bird [02:06]
  • “And a blinker marks territory.” – Jeff [08:11]
  • Listeners call in with tales of competitive parking, holding spots too long, and even near-physical altercations.

• Retail Employee Fatigue:

  • Hosts empathize with overworked, sometimes surly retail employees driven over the edge by crowds.
  • “Never once made eye contact with us. Just mad at the fact that we… we're purchasing something from them.” – Jeff [02:08]

• Memorable Caller Stories:

  • Caller #1: Backs into the host after a dispute over place in line, “I was bitching at him, but yeah.” [05:43]
  • Caller #2: Nearly gets into an accident fighting for a parking spot, involves mall security, but “eventually did win.” – Ginger [06:25]
  • Caller #3: Admits to keying another shopper’s car out of rage after losing his parking spot—“Took a couple of scratches at his door, took another one down his hood.” – Kenny [11:13]; “It felt really good. I mean, I didn't really care that anybody was looking.” [11:27]

• Unwritten Rules of Parking:

  • No “pull through” moves during holidays [08:02]
  • First blinker in line “owns” the spot
  • You’re only entitled to the closest spot you’re waiting for, not the whole aisle
  • Stalking people to their car is “sometimes allowed” – divisive among cast [09:18]

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2. Finding a Last-Minute Cruise Companion

(14:16–25:24)

• Richard’s Dilemma:
  Richard tells the how-he-got-dumped story: He’d been dating a woman (Jill) for a month and a half, planned a New Year’s cruise together, then got dumped 12 days out—but she still wanted to go on the cruise!

• “So, I wanted to do something fun for New Year's… She took me to dinner and said, ‘Hey, by the way, we need to talk. Things aren't working out. I'd like to see other people, but I'd still like to go on the cruise.’” – Richard [15:16]

• The Bert Show sets up a "dating game":
  They open the phone lines and invite interested single women to contact Richard and possibly accompany him on the trip.

• The Details:

  • Travel dates: 29th through the 3rd (must get to Tampa on your own) [16:42]
  • Must have a passport
  • Sharing a cruise cabin (two beds can be separated or pushed together)
  • Richard describes himself: 37, software engineer, adventurous, never married, enjoys travel and socializing [18:42–19:47]

• Hosts address safety concerns:

  • Melissa: “Why should a woman feel safe with you on a boat for five days?” [18:16]
  • Richard: Offers to supply references, co-worker Shell calls in to vouch for him [21:41]
  • “You have to be available on the 29th. You have a passport. Right. You gotta get your butt on down to Tampa, and then from there, Richard's gonna take over.” – Bird [24:00]

• Callers Respond:

  • Emily, a 37-year-old cruise enthusiast, calls in, describes herself, and expresses interest [22:21]
  • Plan: Richard will “date” as many interested candidates as he can in 24 hours—by phone, lunch, email, etc.—and choose his companion the next day.

• Notable Quotes:

  • “Go out with as many of you as he wants to over the next 24 hours… then he'll come in here tomorrow morning and go ‘Here's who I'm taking on the cruise.’” – Bird [23:20]

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3. Hosts Share Their “Superficial New Year’s Resolutions”

(25:25–26:43)

• Fun, Low-Stakes Resolutions:
  • Bird: “I want to catch a marlin next year, damn it.” [25:47]
  • Jeff: “I want to win a prize on a game show.” [25:53]
  • Pam: “I want to play decent 18 holes of golf.” [25:57]
  • Melissa: “My goal for 2009 is to voice something either in gaming or anime animation—so that my voice can be on some kind of animation.” [26:06]

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4. Melissa’s Dream Comes True—Video Game Stardom!

(26:51–32:38)

• Surprising Melissa:

  • Todd Harris and Michal from Hi Rez Studios crash the show to fulfill Melissa’s “superficial resolution.” They'll cast her as a voice in their next video game, Global Agenda.
  • Not only will she get to voice a character, but she’ll also have her face AND movements (with motion capture) in the game.

• Description of the Opportunity:

  • “You have a chance to have your moves immortalized in a video game with motion capture technology.” – Bird [28:01]
  • Michal confirms Melissa will visit the studio for recording, face capture, and motion capture [29:00]

• Game Background:

  • Global Agenda: massively multiplayer online computer game, described as “1984 meets Mission Impossible” [31:20]
  • Game is in alpha; Atlanta-based development team; plans for 2009 release

• Live (and hilarious) audition:

  • Jeff: “So maybe a line like if she's a security officer, ‘Drop your weapons and turn around.’ Would that be something she might say?” [31:47]
  • Melissa (on air, in “future cop voice”): “Drop your weapons and turn around.” [32:00]
  • “You're high as a kite right now.” – Bird [32:30], marveling at Melissa’s excitement

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On retail mayhem:

  • “There could be a point where you want to slap somebody or you just want to push one of your customers, but you normally don’t, but you snapped a couple of days ago…” – Bird [04:01]

• On fighting for parking spots:

  • “And a blinker marks territory.” – Jeff [08:11]
  • “You have the responsibility, too, as the person that's pulling out of your parking spot. You know, who got… who was in line first waiting for your spot…” – Bird [08:24]

• On post-shopping regret:

  • “Just go back the last 10 years. Have you gotten it all done? And 95% of you will answer that question, Yes.” – Bird [11:54]

• On Richard’s cruise date search:

  • “I’m a good guy. I’m a true gentleman. I don’t really know how you can back that up other than references…” – Richard [18:23]
  • “Go out with as many of you as he wants to over the next 24 hours… here's who I'm taking on the cruise.” – Bird [23:20]

• Melissa’s future as a video game star:

  • “You have a chance to have your moves immortalized in a video game with motion capture technology.” – Bird [28:01]
  • “Drop your weapons and turn around.” – Melissa (as “future cop”) [32:00]
  • “You're high as a kite right now. Thank you to Hi Rez Studio Videos for hooking Melissa up next year.” – Bird [32:30]

---

Final Thoughts

This episode is classic Bert Show: candid, offbeat, and interactive with fans and listeners. The crew leans hard into holiday humor, commiserates with both shoppers and retail workers, and brings their authentic, unfiltered selves to every topic. The live “dating game” for a cruise and the genuine joy of making a cast member’s nerdy dream come true are podcast moments not to miss.

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Transcript

[Jeff]

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[Melissa]

Are you really buying a car online on Autotrader right now?

[Commercial Announcer]

Really?

[Melissa]

At a playground?

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah, really. Look at these listings from dealers.

[Melissa]

Wow, your search can really get that specific.

[Commercial Announcer]

Really?

[Melissa]

And you just put in your info and boom, car's in your budget.

[Commercial Announcer]

Mom needs a second.

[Melissa]

Honey, you can really have it delivered.

[Commercial Announcer]

Really? Or I can pick it up at the dealership. One sec, sweetie. Mommy's buying a car.

[Melissa]

Mommy's, uh. I think your kid is walking up the slide, Kyle.

[Pam]

Again. Really?

[Commercial Announcer]

Auto trader. Buy your car online.

[Richard]

Really?

[Bird]

The Burt Show. All right, so things are sort of getting a little nasty outside right now because it's, I mean it's the last couple of days of shopping here. And I think that there are some retailers that purposely may put as few items that are hot on the shelf as possible to create some kind of hysteria.

[Pam]

Oh, totally.

[Bird]

So really anything can happen over the next four days.

[Jeff]

You could use. You were just talking about the Wii. Like that would be a perfect example. I mean they were struggling with that for the first year it was out. You know, like Nintendo's famous for this. Like they know that they're gonna sell 1 million game systems, so they manufacture 600,000 just to create the hysteria and the excitement and keep it in the news and everything.

[Bird]

Sometimes it just gets out of hand,

[Jeff]

but then it opens up to a whole bunch of other situations. Jessica, I went to the mall both days. Jessica and I went on Sunday. And like the parking lot, even mall's not really as crowded as I've seen it in Christmas's past. But people still get oddly competitive for the close up parking spots.

[Bird]

Oh sure.

[Jeff]

Even though two rows away there's five empty spots. Like I think it's just this animal instinct that comes out. Like people, you know, their endorphins are up, the adrenaline's pumping and they're like,

[Bird]

it's more about wins and losses at this point.

[Jeff]

And then you have the people, the people who are calling our retail rant line, the employees who have just been dealing with it since the day after Thanksgiving. Jessica And I had to get a gift certificate from yet somebody who is so salty. Never once made eye contact with us. Just mad at the fact that we. We're purchasing something from them. So there's all these factors into place, which got me thinking. Somebody this holiday season has had to have gotten into a physical altercation while buying their Christmas gifts.

[Bird]

404-74-01Q100 now, it could be a situation

[Jeff]

like, how about this maneuver? You're in the parking lot and you're there, your blinker's on, but the car backs out in the opposite. Reverses out in the opposite direction.

[Pam]

Kind of C blocks you.

[Jeff]

Yeah. And backs out and then takes off, allowing a car to come from the other side and move into your spot, even though you were clearly there first with your signal.

[Pam]

Infuriating. That is your spot.

[Jeff]

That happened to somebody. They snapped and got out, went up and knocked on the window.

[Bird]

I bet that's happened already.

[Jeff]

Yep, that could be one. How about this? How about, like Bird said, the toy or whatever the last, you know, you know, the hot item of the season is. And the last one is on the shelf and two people go for it at the same time. Somebody started shoving.

[Bird]

You've seen already the video of, like, when Walmart opens up for that big old sale, how people are running over each other that day after somebody got killed to get to those sales. Someone got killed.

[Pam]

Two people in America died the day after Thanksgiving.

[Jeff]

From shopping related.

[Pam]

From shopping.

[Bird]

That is.

[Pam]

Two people lost their life because they were trying to get a discount.

[Jeff]

I'm wondering if that is so sad. What if there's an employee of the store. Like, I was just thinking, what, what if we just. The girl that we were buying the gift certificate from yesterday, what if we just decided to antagonize her and just push her and push her and push her to the point where she threw the gift certificate at us. There could be a point through the whole thing. Right at it.

[Bird]

There could be a point where, because they've probably had those, like, Grey's Anatomy moments where you've thought about doing something, but then it flashes back and you didn't do it, where you're working in retail and you want to, like, you want, you want to slap somebody or you just want to push one of your customers, but you normally don't, but you snapped a couple of days ago. You're like, you know what? It's gonna be worth it.

[Pam]

I could have gotten into an altercation this weekend. I was at Macy's actually looking in the men's section for something for my dad.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Pam]

And was looking specifically for this one color and one size, but there wasn't a ton left on the rack. And there was another woman on the rack, and we were, like, circling each other, and I was like, if she puts her hand on the only large in gray, I am gonna smack her.

[Bird]

Here's the one that I got again on Friday is you're up at the counter and the salesperson is helping you. Yet somebody has to come. They think that they're.

[Jeff]

Can I just ask you a quick question?

[Bird]

Can I ask you a quick question?

[Richard]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Get the end of the line. You can, right?

[Bird]

Look, can't you see she's busy right now? Why is your question more important than what's going on with me right now?

[Pam]

Because they're not purchasing something and you are.

[Bird]

Move away, Move away.

[Jeff]

How about this one? When you're on the rack and you're looking at stuff and somebody comes along and looks at the same rack and kind of closes your Gap.

[Pam]

Yes. You're like, dude, I was here first.

[Michal]

Right.

[Pam]

I will smush your fingers in between these hangers.

[Jeff]

They should make Risk for Cumberland Mall.

[Bird]

Hey, Michelle. Good morning. You're part of the bird show. Hi.

[Caller]

Good morning. So Saturday, I'm at Walmart. My husband and I are at Walmart. We've got a cart with a few items in it. Guy in front of the bus in line has a soda. We're thinking, great, we'll get in. We'll pay real quick. You?

[Michal]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Then comes his entire entourage with two carts. He was just holding the spot in line for them.

[Bird]

You can't do that.

[Jeff]

That's not right.

[Bird]

No, you can't do that.

[Caller]

I'm sitting there kind of bitching, and, yeah, they backed the cart into me on purpose. On purpose. Well, I mean, I was bitching at him, but yeah.

[Bird]

So what'd you do back?

[Caller]

I had to bite my tongue.

[Bird]

Oh, you did. You took the high road?

[Caller]

Yeah, I tried. I mean, I was looking at what they had, what we had. I was pissed. But, yeah, every other line had six people in it.

[Bird]

So, yeah, it's very Christian of you to take the high road.

[Caller]

Aww. Thank you. Merry Christmas, guys. Love you.

[Jeff]

You can call up. I was bitching at him to the point where he hit me with his cart and then go. And. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays, everybody.

[Bird]

Shouldn't hit him back. Good morning, Ginger. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hi. How are you?

[Bird]

Okay.

[Jeff]

What's up?

[Caller]

I'm sorry, did you get in a fight? Yeah, Actually, it was one of the first things that Jeff talked about. This was last Christmas. I was. Had been circling the parking lot for a good 20 minutes, and I finally found a parking spot. I found this woman walking to her car, and I was following her. And so she finally got to her car, told me where it was. I put on my blinker, and there was this other guy on the opposite side. And as soon as she. She did the reverse pull out. As soon as she pulled out, he tried to zip in. Well, I cut him off and almost hit the sucker, but we were not having it. No one was going to win this fight. It was hilarious. But I eventually did win. We got the police security involved, but it was pretty funny.

[Bird]

I mean, I think we have to brainstorm on some generic parking rules. So. Because most of the calls coming in have to do with parking spots and fighting. Like, I don't believe in the whole. If you're first in the aisle, that you get the entire aisle of cars.

[Pam]

No, it's just the spot closest to you.

[Bird]

There are. Some think that if you are the first car.

[Jeff]

So you can sit at the end of the aisle.

[Bird]

At the end of the aisle, that means anybody that leaves on that entire aisle, you've got the next spot that's available. No, no, no, no, no.

[Pam]

It's gonna be the one you're specifically going.

[Bird]

Yes.

[Jeff]

Here's one that only applies, I think, during the holiday season, because any other time of year, it's okay. But during the holiday season, the pull through is not allowed. You are not allowed to pull into a spot, and if the one across from you opens up, keep coming through.

[Richard]

Agreed.

[Jeff]

Because that jacks up anybody in the next aisle. If anybody's one aisle over and they see that, you can't do that.

[Bird]

Agreed.

[Jeff]

And a blinker marks territory.

[Bird]

Yes.

[Jeff]

If your signal is on and it's turning right, you know, and somebody comes from the other side. And because of the way the first car backs out, if they can technically physically get in a spot, it doesn't matter, because you peed on it with your blinker.

[Bird]

You have the responsibility, too, as the person that's pulling out of your parking spot. You know, who got. Who was in line first waiting for your spot. So you have to strategically pull your car out and block that person, block the later person, and let the earlier person in.

[Pam]

I agree. Now, what do you guys call on when, say, you're driving along and you don't notice that this person is just about to put it in reverse? So, like, the front of your Car has already almost passed it.

[Bird]

If you have to reverse in order

[Pam]

to pull back in position to pull back in, then you've lost it.

[Jeff]

If there's nobody behind you, that timing is the worst.

[Pam]

Like just when you're pulling by them and you're like, you can see the little white lights for the reverse go on.

[Bird]

You're like, ah, have you done this one where you're in one aisle and you see somebody pull out in the next aisle and you go 130 miles an hour to get to that thing?

[Jeff]

And following the customer is never allowed.

[Bird]

I disagree with you on that.

[Pam]

See, I think you can stalk people

[Bird]

on the parking lot.

[Jeff]

I think you can shop or stalk,

[Pam]

especially during the holidays, especially in these last couple of days.

[Jeff]

Jack up everybody behind you. And then what they end up doing is they cut across two rows anyways because they forgot where they parked and they gotta use the panic button on the remote.

[Pam]

I know, I do that almost every time.

[Bird]

I like to weld two seats to the front of my car so the people that are coming out of the mall could sit on my car and I'll give them a ride right to the. To their park car. Good morning, Kenny, you're on Q100.

[Kenny]

Hey, guys, how you doing?

[Bird]

All right, man.

[Kenny]

Love your show.

[Bird]

Thank you.

[Kenny]

Yes, all of it. Linux. And I was in the front parking lot and I was circling around with my. My wife for about a good 30 minutes. And you know how that is. And then I finally found a spot after really literally 30 minutes. And I waited. The person got in their car, they were pulling out, and they did what Jeff was talking about where they pulled to the other side and someone came from the other side. And I said, look, that's mine. I started pointing at him and the lady that was pulling out even started pointing at me, letting the other guy know that was my spot. Well, she pulls away and he pulls in a spot anyway. So then I go by, I pull down my window, I start yelling at him, and we do the whole flicking off thing. And he just didn't care. So then I pulled around another 20 minutes and finally found a spot. Told my wife I'm gonna go key his car. And she says, don't do that. Please don't do that. He's in Mercedes, just leave him alone. I said, okay, well, whatever. Well, let's go inside, we'll shop. And if I come back out and he's still out here, then I get my turn. And she said, well, okay, whatever. She just told me because she didn't Think I would do it.

[Bird]

So using it as a sign from the shopping gods that if you go shopping, you come out, his car is still there, then it's eligible to get keyed.

[Kenny]

Exactly.

[Jeff]

The Lord of Lennox.

[Kenny]

Exactly. Well, we gave him ample time. We were in there for a good hour and a half and came out and sure enough, his car was still there. So I took the liberty of going and pulling out my key and doing it. Took a couple of scratches at his door, Took another one down his hood.

[Bird]

Oh, you went at it. You had like rage.

[Kenny]

Oh yeah, I went at it. I took a couple of his doors, plus his fender and his hood. So I don't know how much that came out to, but it was a nice looking machetes.

[Jeff]

He fully feel good and he came out and he knew exactly who that is.

[Kenny]

It felt really good. I mean, I didn't really care that anybody was looking. They probably knew what was going on.

[Bird]

Damn, dude, that's brutal. People can lose their minds this time of year, man. You really can't.

[Pam]

Cause everybody has so much more on their to do list than normal. And we all already pack our schedules so full anyway. So it's like adding there's just not enough hours in the day to get everything done and then takes longer to do the simple things. I don't know.

[Bird]

I said this to Chen last week. I mean, it's part of the holiday season to stress yourself out about it. But think about it. I mean, just go back the last 10 years. Have you gotten it all done? And 95% of you will answer that question. Yes. So this is all part of the tradition of holiday. You gotta stress yourself out about it. But at the end of the day it's gonna get done. Cause it has for the last 20 years. But you can't think about that when you're.

[Pam]

No, because you still gotta like plug through it all and like you gotta get it all done. It's not just gonna happen on its own. It's gonna happen, you know.

[Bird]

The Birch Show

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[Melissa]

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[Bird]

Richard, grab a mic. How you doing here, man? Oh, I should turn your mic on. There you go. How are you?

[Richard]

I'm doing well. How are you?

[Bird]

Good. Thanks for coming in.

[Richard]

Thank you.

[Bird]

I told Richard yesterday this is going to be a little bit like we're going to be fishing with a very short line here. There are so many variables this morning to try to find a woman to go on this trip with him. So let's take it from the very beginning here. Richard, you were just tell us the dating history, how the trip became available, where you are with it now, where she is with it now. Just take the floor.

[Richard]

Okay, so I met this girl, Jill, about a year ago at a party I hosted and was going to ask her out, but she left before I could ask her out. Then I ran into her this year at a Halloween party, asked her out, and we dated for about a month and a half. She's an amazing girl. Things went well. I thought, you know, this, who knows? But so I wanted to do something fun for New Year's. And I'd asked her, hey, would you be Interested in going on a cruise. She said, well, you know, might be a little early for us to go on a cruise, but yeah, it sounds like a fun idea. No problem. A few days later, she sends me a link to a Carnival cruise and says, hey, what about this one out of Tampa? I'm going to be in Orlando. Kind of works out. All right, fine. So things were going well. Went out a few times after that, and she took me to dinner and said, hey, by the way, we need to talk. Things aren't working out. I'd like to see other people, but I'd still like to go on the cruise.

[Bird]

So she was breaking up with you, but she still wanted to go to the Caribbean?

[Richard]

Well, it was just an awkward situation because of the timing. It was 12 days out before the cruise departed. So, you know, who am I gonna find last minute? My friends are all out of town. So, you know, my friend Pam said, hey, why don't you go on the Burt show?

[Melissa]

Thanks, Pam.

[Pam]

Hey, Pam, what's up?

[Richard]

Yeah, so she said, come on the bird.

[Bird]

She's like this. This story is strange enough to be on the bird show.

[Pam]

This is odd.

[Bird]

And why don't you. Let's shoot him an email. They'd love this. And she was right.

[Melissa]

Well, and here you are.

[Richard]

So. Yeah, so I'm looking to see if there's anybody that, you know, young, attractive girl down to earth might be interested in going on a trip, 29th through the third to Cozumel and Grand Cayman's.

[Bird]

Okay, so there's a bunch of details we still got to work out here. Okay, first of all, 29th through the third. Third, right. So you'd have to be available the 29th through the third. He doesn't have transportation to get you down to Tampa at this point. There's no flight.

[Caller]

Right.

[Bird]

So you either have to drive yourself or fly down. So that's what round trip ticket cost you. How much?

[Richard]

Four or five hundred bucks at most.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Bird]

You might be able to even find something less than that.

[Melissa]

So that's Monday through Saturday. So that's next Monday through Saturday. Correct. Just to give people, because I know everybody, if they're in their cars and don't have a calendar, then that gives.

[Pam]

Yeah. A week from today, you have to be in Tampa.

[Richard]

Okay.

[Bird]

Okay. So you're gonna have to find your. Your own way down to Tampa. But as soon as that happens, then you're on the cruise. Tell us a little bit about who you might be looking for. Ideally.

[Richard]

Ideally someone late 20s, early 30s. That's fun. Adventurous, likes to travel. Someone that would be fun to hang out on a cruise. Even though we don't know each other well, it just, you know, that's such an odd request to say, hey, I don't know you, but let's go on a cruise.

[Bird]

I know it is.

[Richard]

You know, someone that's adventurous enough to do that.

[Bird]

I think that's the first part of it, is just acknowledging. Okay. For the first 24 hours. This is gonna be weird, right?

[Melissa]

So you're sharing a cabin together?

[Bird]

Yeah, there's one entire cruise.

[Richard]

Two beds that are separate, but could push together as a queen bed if needed.

[Bird]

Okay. But if not, you could certainly keep them separate.

[Richard]

You can see as much or as little of me as you need throughout the cruise.

[Bird]

Okay. Is it a little itty bitty bitty room? I've been on those cruises before, and I've been on a couple of them, and some of them are really teeny, and there are others where you could actually escape from somebody.

[Richard]

It was a last minute booking, so about the only thing available was a medium sized room, so.

[Pam]

And does the. Does she need a passport?

[Richard]

Yes. Okay. Okay.

[Bird]

That's a passport. Really fine question.

[Melissa]

And let me just say, and I guess to acknowledge. To acknowledge the fact that why should a woman feel safe with you on a boat for five days? Because I think for women that's absolutely.

[Bird]

I mean, we've got to worry about that.

[Melissa]

Sharing a room with a strange man for five days on a boat. That's a good point that it needs to be addressed.

[Bird]

You got to tell us a little

[Richard]

bit about references, if you need. No, I mean, I'm a good guy. I'm a true gentleman. I don't really know how you can back that up other than references, but Bert will vouch for me. Right.

[Bird]

Well, I've talked to him for like four minutes. Yeah, he seemed like a pretty decent guy. Seen him today. Seems pretty decent.

[Pam]

Do you feel comfortable telling us what you do for a living?

[Richard]

Yeah, I'm a software engineer for a company here in Atlanta.

[Pam]

Where'd you grow up?

[Richard]

Oklahoma.

[Pam]

Oklahoma. Good family. You still in touch with your family?

[Richard]

I am flying there for Christmas.

[Melissa]

Do you love your mama?

[Richard]

I do. Hi, Mom.

[Pam]

Do you have siblings?

[Richard]

Yes, one sister.

[Pam]

I'm trying to ask all the first date questions. Where'd you go to school?

[Richard]

Oklahoma State.

[Pam]

Oklahoma State. Okay. Are you a big football fan?

[Richard]

Not so much.

[Pam]

Okay. What do you do in your spare time? You golf? You have, I mean, hobbies?

[Richard]

I have hobbies. I like to do adventurous things like the Bird show. That's pretty high on the list. Yeah, I like to go scuba diving. I like flying in planes, like my planes over atlanta.com. that kind of thing. And just going out to eat at

[Melissa]

restaurants, trying new things and going along those lines. Like when you usually on a cruise and you get to your port, then you have activities that you can do while you're on land. What are some of the things that you'd like to do? The excursions.

[Richard]

Well, I've purchased two excursions. One in the Grand Cayman, which is snorkeling with the stingray, Stingray City. And then in Cozumel, they're doing the dolphin, push, pull, swim. So the dolphin gets to pull you around.

[Bird]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Very nice.

[Bird]

On any given weekend, what do you generally do? I'm just trying to give them a better sense of who they'll be hanging out with.

[Richard]

Okay. Hang out with friends. A lot of parties at my house or at other people's houses. I live in midtown, so it's a very social area, which is where I met Jill, actually. And so I just enjoy going to restaurants and clubs and hanging out and talking to people.

[Bird]

You over this girl?

[Richard]

Yeah.

[Bird]

You are. How old are you? Yes.

[Richard]

37.

[Pam]

37. Okay. That's good.

[Bird]

Okay, what else?

[Pam]

What's your signal?

[Bird]

Questions? Can y' all ask? Yeah.

[Melissa]

What's your sign?

[Richard]

Library.

[Melissa]

Libra.

[Pam]

Okay. Libra.

[Melissa]

Some people.

[Pam]

That's 37. Have you ever been married?

[Richard]

No. No kids, Never married.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bird]

Any long term relationships?

[Richard]

A few.

[Bird]

How long? What's the longest?

[Richard]

Two years.

[Bird]

Two years. Okay.

[Richard]

Two years.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Bird]

Most romantic thing you ever did for a woman?

[Richard]

Took her on a cruise.

[Bird]

Tried to take her on a cruise. You say that you've traveled a lot. Where are some of the places that you've gone?

[Richard]

I had a friend that lived in Amsterdam, so I traveled with him around Europe, went skiing in the friend shops, and went to London and Paris and mostly Europe.

[Bird]

Mm.

[Melissa]

What was your favorite place in Europe?

[Richard]

I think Paris was fun.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bird]

When's the last time you cried?

[Richard]

What?

[Bird]

When's the last time you cried? Trying to show your sensitive side?

[Richard]

It's been a few days. Saw a good movie.

[Bird]

What'd you say?

[Richard]

I don't remember.

[Bird]

But you cried over a movie?

[Richard]

Yeah.

[Bird]

What was it?

[Richard]

I don't remember.

[Bird]

Now this is very defining right here.

[Melissa]

You're not about to give him crap, are you?

[Michal]

No.

[Bird]

I want to know what it is, though. But it's very, very defining, I think, for a woman.

[Richard]

I actually don't remember what the movie was, but I do Like, I do

[Bird]

like emotional movies, so Talladega nights. Because I busted up at the end of the thing, too. What guy didn't? Sure.

[Pam]

Are you a religious guy, spiritual guy?

[Richard]

I am a Christian, but I wouldn't say I'm spiritual.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bird]

Feel like we're pulling teeth here. Richard, give us something.

[Melissa]

I know you feel awkward.

[Pam]

The whole thing is like the first day. Yeah.

[Jeff]

Would you be willing to put Dudoir photos online so women can see exactly what they're getting?

[Richard]

No.

[Bird]

All right, here's Shell, who can vouch for you. Good morning, shell. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Bird]

Hello.

[Caller]

Hey. I just called because I heard a friendly voice on the line and I'm calling in to vouch for Richard.

[Bird]

All right. What can you tell us about him?

[Caller]

I work with Richard. We've worked together for several years. We've traveled on business and hung out as friends. Used to play tennis together. You know, we've just done the normal stuff. He's a great guy, a good catch for anyone.

[Bird]

So you would recommend him to one of your girlfriends?

[Caller]

Absolutely.

[Bird]

Okay. Well, if you have any girlfriends.

[Richard]

You have any?

[Bird]

Yeah, they can go on a cruise in just a couple of days.

[Caller]

If you do, I'll start dialing for digits to see if anyone's available.

[Pam]

As long as they get a passport and a week off.

[Bird]

That's right.

[Michal]

Good to go.

[Bird]

Here is Emily. Good morning, Emily. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning, bird Show.

[Bird]

Hey, Emily.

[Caller]

How are you guys doing?

[Michal]

Good.

[Bird]

What's up?

[Caller]

Well, I'm just calling because this is very intriguing and it sounds like my kind of thing.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bird]

Emily, Richard. Richard, Emily. Go ahead, Emily.

[Caller]

Hi. No, I love to cruise. I usually cruise, I don't know, at least once or twice a year. And for the past two and a half years, I haven't been able to. And I always try to take time off in January, so I'm going to be doing that.

[Jeff]

And what about you, Emily?

[Caller]

What would you like to know?

[Jeff]

What do you look like?

[Caller]

I am. Let's see. Well, first of all, I'm 37. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. And I guess he would describe me as cute and fun and petite. And, I don't know, people say I'm attractive. I think I'm somewhat attractive. And I think it's more my personality that is important, very fun, and just like to try new things.

[Bird]

Here's how I think we're gonna handle this. We're gonna put up two ways that you can communicate with Richard here.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Bird]

And he is gonna Go out with as many of you as he wants to over the next 24 hours. So he's gonna go out lunches or dinners or talk to you on the phone or do email back and forth, whatever. And then he'll come in here tomorrow morning and go, Look, I had four dates yesterday. They lasted 20 minutes. Here's who I'm taking on the cruise. Or it might not be anybody.

[Pam]

Right.

[Bird]

You know, who knows how many emails or how many calls we'll get.

[Pam]

You needed to, like, set up shop somewhere and just have people come in, like interviews.

[Richard]

Okay.

[Bird]

Yeah, seriously, because you gotta go through it.

[Caller]

Crazy fun. Right?

[Bird]

All right, so again, I mean, you have to be available on the 29th. You have a passport. Right. You gotta get your butt on down to Tampa, and then from there, Richard's gonna take over.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Bird]

All clear.

[Caller]

Very clear. It sounds like an adventure.

[Bird]

You get your hair shown down to Tampa. Richard gonna take care of that ass after that. All right, so we set up an email address and it's online right [e-mail] I would suggest because Jen's first thing was, well, let's see a picture of him. Yeah, I think that's only fair that if you send him a picture also.

[Melissa]

Sure.

[Pam]

Yeah. Definitely exchange pictures and, you know, as much information as possible, like as if you were online dating, but just much more quickly.

[Bird]

Right, right. I mean, it's this. The turnaround on this is very, very quick. You gotta be gone on the 29th. Gotta be in Tampa on the 29th. All right, Richard, anything else you want to say before I give the phone number out for the voicemail also?

[Richard]

No.

[Bird]

No. You're ready. You ready to do this?

[Richard]

Ready to do this?

[Bird]

It's a strange, isn't it?

[Richard]

It's fun, though.

[Bird]

It is. Let's see what we can find. All right, the email is up online right [e-mail] so is his picture. Or you can call him. We are taking the. The retail rant line and we're just going to use that one over the next 24 hours. 404-255-3535. But give us a couple of minutes and then Richard will call some of you guys back here, you know, after the show and say, look, let's meet for lunch today. Or you have time at 2:00, and he may spend 20 minutes with you. He may spend 10 minutes with you. It may just be a phone call, but he's got to do this quickly. He's got 24 hours to choose one of you to go on this vacation with him down to the Caribbean.

[Pam]

Good luck.

[Bird]

Good luck. The bird show, If you are listening, yesterday at this time, the bird show talked about our superficial resolutions, not the real deep ones. Like I'm gonna be better at time management. I'm be more sensitive, blah, blah, blah. I want to catch a marlin next year, damn it. Yep, that's my superficial resolution.

[Jeff]

I want to win a prize on a game show, a cash or a dresser check.

[Pam]

I want to play decent 18 holes of golf.

[Bird]

And Wendy, I want to be dating

[Pam]

an NFL player and be in the

[Commercial Announcer]

family and friends section by the 2009 season.

[Bird]

And then there was Melissa's also.

[Melissa]

I love geek things. And some of the things I like is like animation and gaming. Right. And I always am fascinated by an anime or in gaming or whatever, that all the people that get the jobs to voice those characters in the game or in anime or animation or whatever. Cartoon Network or whatever, Japanese anime, whatever. So my goal for superficial goal for 2009 is to. To voice something either in gaming or anime animation, something, even if it's just a one word thing, so that my voice can be on some kind of animation for you. I have no idea how the hell I'm going to do it, but I'm going to try.

[Jeff]

And you know, there's a.

[Bird]

Okay. That was Melissa yesterday on the show.

[Melissa]

Yes. And I'm curious why I'm being sectioned out.

[Bird]

Because you're gonna get closer to your resolution, your superficial resolution this morning than the rest of us.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bird]

Todd Harris. Come on, step right up. This is Todd Harris from High res studios.

[Melissa]

The one. Oh, he's the one I just said

[Pam]

hi to in the studio.

[Bird]

How are you? This is a complete surprise to Melissa.

[Melissa]

This is awesome.

[Pam]

Hi.

[Michal]

Hi. Well, Michal, who is here with me and myself are from high Res studios. We're an Alpharetta based video game developer and we're fans of the show. We heard about the superficial goals and we wanted to come here and help make it happen for you.

[Melissa]

Oh, that'd be awesome.

[Michal]

We are right now in the middle of development of a major game production. This is a four year development cycle. It's a computer game, a massively multiplayer online computer game. And we have parts and we want to cast you for voice and we want to make it a stretch goal, if you will, for 2009. Michal maybe can fill you in on parts two and three.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Pam]

Wow.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bird]

That's a multiple part. We're actually gonna help you overachieve this goal.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Bird]

With the chance to not only have your voice in the game, but also have your face on in game characters. So Melissa will be able to play her own self in a video game.

[Melissa]

That's right.

[Michal]

But wait, there's more.

[Bird]

There's more. Even beyond that, you have a chance to have your moves immortalized in a video game with motion capture technology. Awesome. So is that the thing where she's like in a green room and they've got all the things on her arms?

[Michal]

That's exactly right, yeah.

[Melissa]

Golf ball looking things.

[Michal]

Hi Rez has one of Georgia's only motion capture studios. So if you've seen the movies, you're in the black suit, you have the golf ball, ping pong ball looking things on you. We get you dancing, doing your moves, and that will actually be projected on your 3D in game character.

[Pam]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Melissa]

I think you can sell my game at Dragon Con and then I'll be a superstar.

[Caller]

Dragon Con,

[Michal]

when you come to the studio, I mean, we know you have geek cred. I mean, Dragon Con, you've been to the Trekkie convention.

[Melissa]

My brother is gonna. Cause my brother and I are like the geek siblings of the family. He's good. Cause he's a programmer up in Nashville.

[Pam]

He's gonna be so jealous, he's gonna freak out. This is awesome.

[Bird]

Do you guys have like a specific character in mind for her already?

[Michal]

We have a few characters, and when she comes to the studio, we can kind of pass those by and work on them and let you guys in on the process as we do that.

[Melissa]

Oh, that's awesome, guys. Thank you so much.

[Pam]

I'm just saying, I'm just curious which one of you was listening yesterday, like when the light bulb went off.

[Michal]

Well, that was myself.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Michal]

And so basically when we heard, you know, we just definitely wanted to come down and make it happen.

[Melissa]

That's awesome. Thank you. I'm so excited.

[Bird]

That's great. Now, do you guys do a whole bunch of these video games right here in Atlanta?

[Michal]

Well, this is actually the studio's formed with people from Atlanta and California, Texas people we've relocated that have done a lot of games before, including some massively multiplayer computer games like City of Heroes and other console games like Call of Duty. But we brought these folks together to make Global Agenda. And this is actually the first game out of hi Rez Studios, which is really Georgia's largest homegrown game developer. So it's about 45 animators, environment artists, character artists, programmers, designers, all coming together to make this game, which Basically, it's currently in alpha. So we have about 1,000 people in Atlanta and outside testing the game. And in 2009, we plan on releasing it.

[Bird]

Cool for you, Melissa.

[Richard]

Awesome.

[Bird]

That is so cool. Is this gonna be like one of those naughty cop games to where I could take Melissa in the backseat of a car?

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Bird]

You heard about these, right? They're getting so graphic now.

[Commercial Announcer]

She has to do her moves with

[Melissa]

the golf balls on. The secrets will finally be revealed.

[Richard]

Cool for you.

[Melissa]

Awesome.

[Pam]

Thank you, guys.

[Melissa]

So I'm so excited.

[Pam]

I wish everybody could see what a little kid Melissa looks like right now. She looks like a little kid on Christmas.

[Jeff]

So now we talked yesterday and correct me if I'm wrong. So at some point in January, she'll go in and record her voice, right? And you'll give her a script. Like after you decide on the character and everything. She does the script, right?

[Michal]

That's exactly right. Yeah. We'll have a script for you in January. We'll bring you to the studio to do the voice recording.

[Jeff]

What would be an example of some things she might say? Like just. It doesn't have to be accurate, but I just want to see how she does.

[Melissa]

Don't make me audition.

[Jeff]

No, I'm just wondering, like, what would.

[Caller]

What would.

[Jeff]

What does a character that you have now say?

[Michal]

Like, let's see. Script for Melissa.

[Jeff]

Is it some sort of made up language or is it like real English?

[Michal]

No, it'll be English. The vibe of the game, it's almost like kind of 1984 meets Mission Impossible. So it takes place on a future Earth and There's like a 1984 style government which Melissa may be a security officer for. We'll just see. And the player actually breaks out of this world and joins Player created agencies and tries to make their own place in the world.

[Jeff]

So maybe a line like if she's a security officer, her. Drop your weapons and turn around. Would that be something she might say?

[Melissa]

He wants me to say that now, doesn't he? You want me to say that now, don't you?

[Jeff]

Yeah, as a. As an authoritative security officer in the future.

[Melissa]

In the future. Oh, God.

[Bird]

Use your future voice.

[Pam]

Future.

[Melissa]

Wait, hold on. Future vibe. Drop your weapons and turn around.

[Pam]

Very good.

[Michal]

That's good.

[Melissa]

You're going to have to work with me though.

[Michal]

See?

[Bird]

Very good.

[Melissa]

Because I'm not an actor, but I will do my best.

[Jeff]

So how do you get her face in there? Is that a.

[Michal]

There's some technology that we have that works off of a photograph. Actually a front and a profile. And we can project that on the 3D model of the character.

[Bird]

Outstanding.

[Michal]

And then the final shooting will be when you come into the motion capture studio and put on the black suit. And we can get what are called emotes, which are the special moves for characters in the game.

[Bird]

You're high as a kite right now. Thank you to hi Res Studio Videos for hooking Melissa up next year.

[Michal]

Thanks, Birchill.

[Jeff]

Crap. Now, now the pressure's on to get Come on down for me I gotta

[Bird]

catch a Can you make me catch in a virtual Marlin the bird show?