Transcript

Jeff (0:00)

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Melissa (0:30)

Are you really buying a car online on Autotrader right now?

Commercial Announcer (0:33)

Really?

Melissa (0:34)

At a playground?

Commercial Announcer (0:35)

Yeah, really. Look at these listings from dealers.

Melissa (0:37)

Wow, your search can really get that specific.

Commercial Announcer (0:40)

Really?

Melissa (0:40)

And you just put in your info and boom, car's in your budget.

Commercial Announcer (0:44)

Mom needs a second.

Melissa (0:45)

Honey, you can really have it delivered.

Commercial Announcer (0:47)

Really? Or I can pick it up at the dealership. One sec, sweetie. Mommy's buying a car.

Melissa (0:52)

Mommy's, uh. I think your kid is walking up the slide, Kyle.

Pam (0:56)

Again. Really?

Commercial Announcer (0:57)

Auto trader. Buy your car online.

Richard (0:59)

Really?

Bird (1:00)

The Burt Show. All right, so things are sort of getting a little nasty outside right now because it's, I mean it's the last couple of days of shopping here. And I think that there are some retailers that purposely may put as few items that are hot on the shelf as possible to create some kind of hysteria.

Pam (1:16)

Oh, totally.

Bird (1:17)

So really anything can happen over the next four days.

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Wednesday, March 11 [Vault]

Date: March 11, 2026
Podcast Cast: Bert (Bird), Jeff, Pam, Melissa, Michal, Richard

Episode Overview

This episode is packed with humor, relatable chaos, and genuine conversation as the Bert Show crew shares their own holiday shopping horror stories, debates the strange “unwritten rules” of parking lots, fields listener calls about shopping season altercations, helps a recently single guy find a last-minute cruise companion, and surprises a cast member with the chance to star in a video game.

Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Holiday Shopping Madness & Retail Rants

(01:00–13:00)

Seasonal Shopping Frustrations:
The hosts dive into the insanity of holiday shopping, discussing everything from manufactured scarcity (“Nintendo’s famous for this,” [01:19], Jeff) to cutthroat parking lot tactics.
Discussion of Hot Item Scarcity:
- Companies sometimes artificially limit availability to build hype.
- “Nintendo's famous for this. Like they know that they're gonna sell 1 million game systems, so they manufacture 600,000 just to create the hysteria…” – Jeff [01:19]
Parking Lot Drama:
- Stories abound of people fighting over parking spaces, waiting endlessly, and “marking territory” with their blinkers.
- “It’s more about wins and losses at this point.” – Bird [02:06]
- “And a blinker marks territory.” – Jeff [08:11]
- Listeners call in with tales of competitive parking, holding spots too long, and even near-physical altercations.
Retail Employee Fatigue:
- Hosts empathize with overworked, sometimes surly retail employees driven over the edge by crowds.
- “Never once made eye contact with us. Just mad at the fact that we… we're purchasing something from them.” – Jeff [02:08]
Memorable Caller Stories:
- Caller #1: Backs into the host after a dispute over place in line, “I was bitching at him, but yeah.” [05:43]
- Caller #2: Nearly gets into an accident fighting for a parking spot, involves mall security, but “eventually did win.” – Ginger [06:25]
- Caller #3: Admits to keying another shopper’s car out of rage after losing his parking spot—“Took a couple of scratches at his door, took another one down his hood.” – Kenny [11:13]; “It felt really good. I mean, I didn't really care that anybody was looking.” [11:27]
Unwritten Rules of Parking:
- No “pull through” moves during holidays [08:02]
- First blinker in line “owns” the spot
- You’re only entitled to the closest spot you’re waiting for, not the whole aisle
- Stalking people to their car is “sometimes allowed” – divisive among cast [09:18]

2. Finding a Last-Minute Cruise Companion

(14:16–25:24)

Richard’s Dilemma:
Richard tells the how-he-got-dumped story: He’d been dating a woman (Jill) for a month and a half, planned a New Year’s cruise together, then got dumped 12 days out—but she still wanted to go on the cruise!
“So, I wanted to do something fun for New Year's… She took me to dinner and said, ‘Hey, by the way, we need to talk. Things aren't working out. I'd like to see other people, but I'd still like to go on the cruise.’” – Richard [15:16]
The Bert Show sets up a "dating game":
They open the phone lines and invite interested single women to contact Richard and possibly accompany him on the trip.
The Details:
- Travel dates: 29th through the 3rd (must get to Tampa on your own) [16:42]
- Must have a passport
- Sharing a cruise cabin (two beds can be separated or pushed together)
- Richard describes himself: 37, software engineer, adventurous, never married, enjoys travel and socializing [18:42–19:47]
Hosts address safety concerns:
- Melissa: “Why should a woman feel safe with you on a boat for five days?” [18:16]
- Richard: Offers to supply references, co-worker Shell calls in to vouch for him [21:41]
- “You have to be available on the 29th. You have a passport. Right. You gotta get your butt on down to Tampa, and then from there, Richard's gonna take over.” – Bird [24:00]
Callers Respond:
- Emily, a 37-year-old cruise enthusiast, calls in, describes herself, and expresses interest [22:21]
- Plan: Richard will “date” as many interested candidates as he can in 24 hours—by phone, lunch, email, etc.—and choose his companion the next day.
Notable Quotes:
- “Go out with as many of you as he wants to over the next 24 hours… then he'll come in here tomorrow morning and go ‘Here's who I'm taking on the cruise.’” – Bird [23:20]

3. Hosts Share Their “Superficial New Year’s Resolutions”

(25:25–26:43)

Fun, Low-Stakes Resolutions:
- Bird: “I want to catch a marlin next year, damn it.” [25:47]
- Jeff: “I want to win a prize on a game show.” [25:53]
- Pam: “I want to play decent 18 holes of golf.” [25:57]
- Melissa: “My goal for 2009 is to voice something either in gaming or anime animation—so that my voice can be on some kind of animation.” [26:06]

4. Melissa’s Dream Comes True—Video Game Stardom!

(26:51–32:38)

Surprising Melissa:
- Todd Harris and Michal from Hi Rez Studios crash the show to fulfill Melissa’s “superficial resolution.” They'll cast her as a voice in their next video game, Global Agenda.
- Not only will she get to voice a character, but she’ll also have her face AND movements (with motion capture) in the game.
Description of the Opportunity:
- “You have a chance to have your moves immortalized in a video game with motion capture technology.” – Bird [28:01]
- Michal confirms Melissa will visit the studio for recording, face capture, and motion capture [29:00]
Game Background:
- Global Agenda: massively multiplayer online computer game, described as “1984 meets Mission Impossible” [31:20]
- Game is in alpha; Atlanta-based development team; plans for 2009 release
Live (and hilarious) audition:
- Jeff: “So maybe a line like if she's a security officer, ‘Drop your weapons and turn around.’ Would that be something she might say?” [31:47]
- Melissa (on air, in “future cop voice”): “Drop your weapons and turn around.” [32:00]
- “You're high as a kite right now.” – Bird [32:30], marveling at Melissa’s excitement

Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

On retail mayhem:
- “There could be a point where you want to slap somebody or you just want to push one of your customers, but you normally don’t, but you snapped a couple of days ago…” – Bird [04:01]
On fighting for parking spots:
- “And a blinker marks territory.” – Jeff [08:11]
- “You have the responsibility, too, as the person that's pulling out of your parking spot. You know, who got… who was in line first waiting for your spot…” – Bird [08:24]
On post-shopping regret:
- “Just go back the last 10 years. Have you gotten it all done? And 95% of you will answer that question, Yes.” – Bird [11:54]
On Richard’s cruise date search:
- “I’m a good guy. I’m a true gentleman. I don’t really know how you can back that up other than references…” – Richard [18:23]
- “Go out with as many of you as he wants to over the next 24 hours… here's who I'm taking on the cruise.” – Bird [23:20]
Melissa’s future as a video game star:
- “You have a chance to have your moves immortalized in a video game with motion capture technology.” – Bird [28:01]
- “Drop your weapons and turn around.” – Melissa (as “future cop”) [32:00]
- “You're high as a kite right now. Thank you to Hi Rez Studio Videos for hooking Melissa up next year.” – Bird [32:30]

Final Thoughts

This episode is classic Bert Show: candid, offbeat, and interactive with fans and listeners. The crew leans hard into holiday humor, commiserates with both shoppers and retail workers, and brings their authentic, unfiltered selves to every topic. The live “dating game” for a cruise and the genuine joy of making a cast member’s nerdy dream come true are podcast moments not to miss.