The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Wednesday, March 4 [Vault]

Date: March 4, 2026
Podcast: The Bert Show
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Various Callers

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into two highly entertaining segments: first, a lively and often envy-inducing discussion about workplace perks that have survived a tough economic climate, and second, a hilariously candid exploration of whether anyone has ever been so scared (or otherwise affected) that they literally "crapped their pants." With listener call-ins and classic Bert Show candor, the cast balances humor and real talk about work satisfaction and awkward life moments.

1. Workplace Perks in a Challenging Economy

(00:16 – 12:10)

Main Discussion Points

• Many companies are cutting back on perks and benefits as economic pressures mount.
• The cast asks listeners to call in and brag about exceptional perks their companies still provide, aiming to inspire a little jealousy.

Notable Perks Discussed

• Motley Fool (Finance Website, Washington DC)

  • Unlimited paid vacation – Employees can take as much time as they like if targets are met.
  • $400 worth of prepared meals sent to new parents.
  • Weekly access to basketball courts and activities (soccer, yoga, tai chi).
  • On-staff school consultants and tutors for employees' children.
  • Ultra-casual dress code.
  • Quote:
    • "Take as much vacation time as you want. It’s paid... They won’t say no." (Host 3, 01:32-01:54)

• Google

  • Free gourmet cafeteria open night and day.
  • Flexible hours, especially for creative teams.
  • "20% time": One day a week can be used for personal projects that Google may co-own.
  • Quote:
    • "Another Google perk is, I think it’s 20% of your time... You can work on whatever you want." (Host 2, 04:40-05:14)
  • Example: An employee designed Gmail's "attachment reminder" feature during this time.

• Net Mill Partners

  • Free catered lunches and gas stipends (recently increased).
  • Increased time off.
  • All-expenses-paid monthly company outings.
  • Quote:
    • "They haven’t cut back; they’ve actually increased that for us... We have monthly outings with the company." (Caller, 05:51-06:21)

• Sheer Miller Communications

  • Quarterly massages and monthly fun days (e.g., bowling, movies) during work hours.
  • Office fully shuts down for these events.
  • Quote:
    • "Every month we have a fun day where we go out as a team and do something fun... We actually close the office." (Caller, 06:49-07:16)

• Selig Enterprises

  • Entire company surprised with a company-paid vacation to Colorado for Labor Day weekend; employees’ family members invited.
  • Clues sent out throughout the year to build anticipation.
  • "It was the way the article was written. It was super cool because everybody's trying to guess..." (Host 2, 07:47-08:46)

• Pfizer

  • Company car, gas card, five weeks paid vacation, expense account (internet and cellphone).
  • Quote:
    • "I get five weeks a year vacation and I have an expense account... my Internet and my cell phone too." (Caller, 11:13-11:20)

• CNN / Turner Broadcasting

  • 33 days of paid time off, annual raises.
  • Discounts on events, electronics, entertainment, and free sports tickets.
  • Four-day workweek to help with gas costs (Thursday–Saturday off).
  • Quote:
    • "I get 33 days off a year... They treat us awesome. They even moved us to a four-day workweek because of gas." (Caller, 09:57-10:53)

Broader Insights

• Flexible, generous perks (especially PTO) often lead to more motivated, loyal, and productive employees.
• "If you are meeting your numbers... do whatever else you want." (Host 3, 09:28)
• The US can learn from European attitudes toward vacation and work-life balance.

Memorable Quotes

• "It's giving people that autonomy to be at their personal best rather than forcing them to be at whatever standard you think they should..." (Host 1, 09:43-09:51)
• "If you’re not happy there, the other two-thirds of your life are gonna suck." (Host 3, 12:04-12:09)

2. “Have You Ever Literally Pooped Your Pants Out of Fear?”

(12:17 – 19:03)

Premise

Host 2 whimsically asks callers whether anyone has ever actually been so scared that they, quite literally, crapped their pants, opening the lines for funny and outrageous confessions. The cast and listeners quickly veer into both fear and other circumstances causing this outcome.

Notable Call-Ins and Cast Stories

• Bert Confession:

  • Admits to an "alcohol-induced” accident, not fear-based.
  • "I'm the only one in here that's honest, that's all... It wasn't even that long ago. Like, it's seven. It was seven o' clock, actually, this morning." (Host 3, 13:45-13:52)

• Sporting Goods Robbery (Ashley):

  • Store robber surrounded by police soils himself on the spot.
  • "The guy crapped himself right there." (Caller, 14:36-14:42)

• Teabag Prank Gone Wrong (Susan):

  • Office prank involving tea bags leads to a colleague fainting and soiling himself—Susan was fired for her role.
  • "Not only did the man faint, but he crapped his pants. And I lost my job." (Caller, 15:18-15:44)

• Paramedic Story (Eric):

  • Witnessed a man in a car accident lose control "all over his car."
  • (Caller, 16:16-16:30)

• Drug Agent Story (Chris):

  • During a bust, suspect soils his tighty whities.
  • “How come the only people who wear tighty whities are criminal and Homer Simpson and end up on the show Cops?” (Host 2, 16:50-16:59)

• Childhood Chores (Neil):

  • As a kid, chased around by parents for not doing chores, Neil has an accident—parents too surprised to discipline further.
  • "I pooped myself over chores." (Caller, 17:26-17:28)

• Group Intern Experience in Morgue (Jody):

  • Eye movement in a cadaver causes all interns to panic and lose control.
  • "All of us. And we didn’t even want to go back in." (Caller, 18:05-18:07)
  • "It was a group crapping." (Host 2, 18:07-18:11)

• Unexpected Twist:

  • One caller brings up "crapping" during an orgasm, to the amused shock of the hosts.
  • "Actually, he was pretty fine with it because he realized it was something that he had done." (Caller, 18:53-18:58)

Notable Quotes and Moments

• "Every phrase has to have an origin somewhere... have you ever legitimately been so scared you crapped yourself?" (Host 2, 12:28-12:55)
• “I would try my best not to. Because... If I was about to die, I don't want to be the guy who crapped." (Host 2, 14:57-15:07)
• “It was a group crapping.” (Host 2, 18:07)

Key Timestamps

• Work Perks Segment Start: 00:16
• Motley Fool vacation perks discussed: 01:16 to 02:12
• Google’s “20% Time”: 04:40
• Caller Perk Stories Begin: 05:48
• Funny Fear Stories Segment Start: 12:17
• Bert’s Honesty About "Being Sick": 13:45
• Robbery Story: 14:30
• Teabag Prank Story: 15:18
• Intern Group Scare Story: 17:33
• Orgasm Story: 18:35

Episode Tone and Style

True to its reputation, The Bert Show brings candid humor, vulnerability, and engaging banter. The episode swings between genuine appreciation for positive workplaces and irreverently honest, sometimes childish laughter at embarrassing real-life moments.

The Bert Show: “Making your mornings bearable with the best morning radio show around! We're real and we're funny, and we do it all authentically.”

Takeaway

This episode stands as a testament to The Bert Show’s strengths: making listeners laugh, encouraging calls that bring out honest or wild stories, and celebrating companies (and nannies!) that know how to treat their people. If you want a bracing mix of useful workplace wisdom and jaw-dropping confessions, this archive episode is an essential listen.