Full Show PT 2: Wednesday, March 4 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Wednesday, March 4 [Vault]

Date: March 4, 2026
Podcast: The Bert Show
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Various Callers

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into two highly entertaining segments: first, a lively and often envy-inducing discussion about workplace perks that have survived a tough economic climate, and second, a hilariously candid exploration of whether anyone has ever been so scared (or otherwise affected) that they literally "crapped their pants." With listener call-ins and classic Bert Show candor, the cast balances humor and real talk about work satisfaction and awkward life moments.

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1. Workplace Perks in a Challenging Economy

(00:16 – 12:10)

Main Discussion Points

• Many companies are cutting back on perks and benefits as economic pressures mount.
• The cast asks listeners to call in and brag about exceptional perks their companies still provide, aiming to inspire a little jealousy.

Notable Perks Discussed

• Motley Fool (Finance Website, Washington DC)

  • Unlimited paid vacation – Employees can take as much time as they like if targets are met.
  • $400 worth of prepared meals sent to new parents.
  • Weekly access to basketball courts and activities (soccer, yoga, tai chi).
  • On-staff school consultants and tutors for employees' children.
  • Ultra-casual dress code.
  • Quote:
    • "Take as much vacation time as you want. It’s paid... They won’t say no." (Host 3, 01:32-01:54)

• Google

  • Free gourmet cafeteria open night and day.
  • Flexible hours, especially for creative teams.
  • "20% time": One day a week can be used for personal projects that Google may co-own.
  • Quote:
    • "Another Google perk is, I think it’s 20% of your time... You can work on whatever you want." (Host 2, 04:40-05:14)
  • Example: An employee designed Gmail's "attachment reminder" feature during this time.

• Net Mill Partners

  • Free catered lunches and gas stipends (recently increased).
  • Increased time off.
  • All-expenses-paid monthly company outings.
  • Quote:
    • "They haven’t cut back; they’ve actually increased that for us... We have monthly outings with the company." (Caller, 05:51-06:21)

• Sheer Miller Communications

  • Quarterly massages and monthly fun days (e.g., bowling, movies) during work hours.
  • Office fully shuts down for these events.
  • Quote:
    • "Every month we have a fun day where we go out as a team and do something fun... We actually close the office." (Caller, 06:49-07:16)

• Selig Enterprises

  • Entire company surprised with a company-paid vacation to Colorado for Labor Day weekend; employees’ family members invited.
  • Clues sent out throughout the year to build anticipation.
  • "It was the way the article was written. It was super cool because everybody's trying to guess..." (Host 2, 07:47-08:46)

• Pfizer

  • Company car, gas card, five weeks paid vacation, expense account (internet and cellphone).
  • Quote:
    • "I get five weeks a year vacation and I have an expense account... my Internet and my cell phone too." (Caller, 11:13-11:20)

• CNN / Turner Broadcasting

  • 33 days of paid time off, annual raises.
  • Discounts on events, electronics, entertainment, and free sports tickets.
  • Four-day workweek to help with gas costs (Thursday–Saturday off).
  • Quote:
    • "I get 33 days off a year... They treat us awesome. They even moved us to a four-day workweek because of gas." (Caller, 09:57-10:53)

Broader Insights

• Flexible, generous perks (especially PTO) often lead to more motivated, loyal, and productive employees.
• "If you are meeting your numbers... do whatever else you want." (Host 3, 09:28)
• The US can learn from European attitudes toward vacation and work-life balance.

Memorable Quotes

• "It's giving people that autonomy to be at their personal best rather than forcing them to be at whatever standard you think they should..." (Host 1, 09:43-09:51)
• "If you’re not happy there, the other two-thirds of your life are gonna suck." (Host 3, 12:04-12:09)

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2. “Have You Ever Literally Pooped Your Pants Out of Fear?”

(12:17 – 19:03)

Premise

Host 2 whimsically asks callers whether anyone has ever actually been so scared that they, quite literally, crapped their pants, opening the lines for funny and outrageous confessions. The cast and listeners quickly veer into both fear and other circumstances causing this outcome.

Notable Call-Ins and Cast Stories

• Bert Confession:

  • Admits to an "alcohol-induced” accident, not fear-based.
  • "I'm the only one in here that's honest, that's all... It wasn't even that long ago. Like, it's seven. It was seven o' clock, actually, this morning." (Host 3, 13:45-13:52)

• Sporting Goods Robbery (Ashley):

  • Store robber surrounded by police soils himself on the spot.
  • "The guy crapped himself right there." (Caller, 14:36-14:42)

• Teabag Prank Gone Wrong (Susan):

  • Office prank involving tea bags leads to a colleague fainting and soiling himself—Susan was fired for her role.
  • "Not only did the man faint, but he crapped his pants. And I lost my job." (Caller, 15:18-15:44)

• Paramedic Story (Eric):

  • Witnessed a man in a car accident lose control "all over his car."
  • (Caller, 16:16-16:30)

• Drug Agent Story (Chris):

  • During a bust, suspect soils his tighty whities.
  • “How come the only people who wear tighty whities are criminal and Homer Simpson and end up on the show Cops?” (Host 2, 16:50-16:59)

• Childhood Chores (Neil):

  • As a kid, chased around by parents for not doing chores, Neil has an accident—parents too surprised to discipline further.
  • "I pooped myself over chores." (Caller, 17:26-17:28)

• Group Intern Experience in Morgue (Jody):

  • Eye movement in a cadaver causes all interns to panic and lose control.
  • "All of us. And we didn’t even want to go back in." (Caller, 18:05-18:07)
  • "It was a group crapping." (Host 2, 18:07-18:11)

• Unexpected Twist:

  • One caller brings up "crapping" during an orgasm, to the amused shock of the hosts.
  • "Actually, he was pretty fine with it because he realized it was something that he had done." (Caller, 18:53-18:58)

Notable Quotes and Moments

• "Every phrase has to have an origin somewhere... have you ever legitimately been so scared you crapped yourself?" (Host 2, 12:28-12:55)
• “I would try my best not to. Because... If I was about to die, I don't want to be the guy who crapped." (Host 2, 14:57-15:07)
• “It was a group crapping.” (Host 2, 18:07)

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Key Timestamps

• Work Perks Segment Start: 00:16
• Motley Fool vacation perks discussed: 01:16 to 02:12
• Google’s “20% Time”: 04:40
• Caller Perk Stories Begin: 05:48
• Funny Fear Stories Segment Start: 12:17
• Bert’s Honesty About "Being Sick": 13:45
• Robbery Story: 14:30
• Teabag Prank Story: 15:18
• Intern Group Scare Story: 17:33
• Orgasm Story: 18:35

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Episode Tone and Style

True to its reputation, The Bert Show brings candid humor, vulnerability, and engaging banter. The episode swings between genuine appreciation for positive workplaces and irreverently honest, sometimes childish laughter at embarrassing real-life moments.

The Bert Show: “Making your mornings bearable with the best morning radio show around! We're real and we're funny, and we do it all authentically.”

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Takeaway

This episode stands as a testament to The Bert Show’s strengths: making listeners laugh, encouraging calls that bring out honest or wild stories, and celebrating companies (and nannies!) that know how to treat their people. If you want a bracing mix of useful workplace wisdom and jaw-dropping confessions, this archive episode is an essential listen.

Transcript

[Host 1]

Support is available 247 with VRBoCare. We're here day or night, ready whenever you need help. Because a great trip starts with the right support.

[Host 2]

The Birch Show.

[Host 3]

We are in a. We're in an economy now in which companies are just cutting back left and right. You could certainly understand why. I mean, it sucks for everybody right now. I would really like to hear, or we would really like to hear from some of you guys that are still working for companies that have decided to sort of like, see it through and haven't changed company policy and are still offering the same perks now that they were a couple of years ago. Like, so many companies are cutting back now. Like, in some ways, benefits are gone, cutting back on vacation time and stuff like that.

[Host 1]

But there are very expenses things that you would be able to turn in on your expense report before. I know now not admissible for a lot of my friends.

[Host 3]

I want you guys to make us jealous of some of the perks that you still have. 404741Q100. My friend Aaron works up in Washington, D.C. for Motley fool, which is a website that gives you financial advice.

[Host 1]

Okay.

[Host 3]

And the last time she was down here, she was telling me some of the stuff that Motley fool still provides for their employees. And I went online to take a look at it. And the stories of this place and the benefits that they still give their employees are crazy. Take as much vacation time as you want. It's paid.

[Host 1]

Wow.

[Host 3]

Take as much. What do you want, three weeks? You want five weeks? It's all paid vacation. So long as you are contributing to the bottom line and doing it in a successful way, they don't care how much vacation time you take.

[Host 1]

Now, does that mean nobody's keeping tabs on it?

[Host 3]

Nobody. You have to tell them. You have to say, look, I'm taking this week off so they know you're alive.

[Host 1]

Right.

[Host 3]

But they won't say no. They'll take a look at how much you're bringing into the company and. And if you are meeting their financial goals. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool.

[Caller/Guest]

Sure. Go ahead.

[Host 1]

Wow.

[Host 3]

You want six weeks off? We'll pay for it.

[Host 1]

That's awesome.

[Host 3]

There's way more than that.

[Host 1]

It would make you want to work harder.

[Host 3]

That's their. That's their philosophy on it.

[Host 2]

And you probably take less vacation. I don't want to get. I have a friend who. I don't want to get him in trouble because I. But I'm almost sure he told me for his senior managers, he owns his own Company here in town, he does the same thing and he finds that people actually, well, you know, for the first couple of years we'll take less vacation. And then once they get into the groove, he's like, people are taking six, seven, eight years, eight weeks of vacation a year. And it improves their. Because they're doing it right in Europe, you know, what is it, August that they shut down?

[Host 3]

Or sometimes just for the whole month. We're on vacation, we're on holiday.

[Host 2]

He goes, it makes such a big difference because people will bust their ass for two or three months and then disappear for a week or two and recharge and come back and do it again.

[Host 3]

The Motley fool UP in Washington D.C. gives $400 in delivered prepared food for new parents. Wow. So if you have to take some time off and tend to the newborn.

[Host 1]

So instead of making you feel bad

[Host 3]

for having a baby and not being at the company because of it, they actually, you know, make you feel better about it.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Host 3]

Weekly time on a local basketball court for activities including basketball, soccer, yoga and tai chi. Part time with a school consultant to discuss options for your children. School consultant, yeah. So if like your kids aren't doing great in school or what have you, they will provide tutors for the kids.

[Host 1]

That is cool, isn't it?

[Host 3]

Really, really awesome.

[Host 1]

That is so cool.

[Host 3]

And she says, everybody there, they don't wear suits, there's no ties, there's no pants suits. You can wear whatever you want at the place. A lot of times online companies tend to do that. Sometimes I think low keyed.

[Host 1]

Well, infamously, Google is an amazing company to work for and a friend of a friend of mine works for Google in New York and we were just up there visiting and I had brunch with her and she was talking about the cap cafeteria that they have. It's basically like a gourmet. Whole Foods is their employee cafeteria and everything in it's free. Like you never pay for food when you go there. So breakfast, lunch, dinner, whatever it is that you want, whatever it is that you need, they'll make gourmet salads, sandwiches, whatever, it's all free. And she says that a lot of people will come to work and like they don't have set hours or anything either. A lot of people, especially in the creative department of Google, will come in around 10 and then they all like play like Guitar Hero and Rock Band and whatever about like four or five o' clock in the afternoon is when they really get busy and start working. And they'll be working till 2 or 3 in the morning. So this, like, cafeteria place is open all night. There's like all those fancy, like, juices and everything that you can only find at Whole Foods. They have it there. All of it just open to you have whatever you want.

[Host 2]

Another Google perk is, I think it's 20% of your time, which works out to be one full workday. You're allowed to devote to any projects that you are working on. So you work there five days a week. But one day is you can work on whatever you want. It doesn't have to be your specific task as long as Google shares in the ownership of it. So people have come up and like, random stuff too. Like, I have always talked to you guys about Gmail and the Google products and everything. Big fan. And they have something they just came up with that is a. How many times do you send an email to someone and go, hey, Jeff, take a look at this picture that Stacy took of you and I at the event the other night.

[Caller/Guest]

Burt.

[Host 2]

You send it and you forget to attach the picture.

[Host 1]

Say it.

[Host 3]

Oops, sorry. Here's the picture.

[Host 2]

Yep. But it reads your email. And if it looks like something is supposed to be attached and it isn't, a warning pops up and says the context of your email says something's supposed to be attached.

[Host 3]

Oh, no kidding.

[Host 1]

Wow.

[Host 2]

A guy designed that on his own because he always did that. Like he would always send pictures. I'm famous for doing that.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

Hey, take a look at the spreadsheet and tell me if everything looks right.

[Caller/Guest]

Ah.

[Host 2]

Then my next email. The subject line is always doe. Cause I forget it every time. It's the coolest thing. And the guy came up with it on his own.

[Host 3]

Hey, Chris, tell us about the perk that we'll be jealous of.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes, I work for Net Mill Partners. They still, they cater in lunches still. They give us gas stipends each week. They haven't cut that back. They've actually increased that for us. You know, they've increased our benefits. Time off. They've increased our time off. We have monthly with the company.

[Host 3]

What was the last thing you said?

[Caller/Guest]

I said that we have monthly outings with the company.

[Host 3]

Monthly outings with the company.

[Caller/Guest]

Also they pay for them. So, you know, they pay for everything. So I mean, they still. They haven't come back in anything.

[Host 1]

Well, it's good to hear companies that

[Host 3]

aren't, some are suffering like others. Some are still paying for, like, employees. They all take them on like a big old group vacation together, you know. Well, that's 1215 of us. Let's all go. We're paying for everything. Don't worry about it. Good morning, Erica, you're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. How are you guys?

[Host 3]

Good. How are you?

[Host 1]

Jealous.

[Caller/Guest]

Good.

[Host 3]

Is your company, Are they. They're still offering the same perks now that they were.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I work for Sheer Miller Communications, and one of our coolest things is we get a quarterly massage. And every month we have a fun day where we go out as a team and we do something fun. Head to lunch, go bowling, see a movie. Just something to keep us interested in coming back to work.

[Host 1]

A monthly massage, a quarterly massage, and

[Caller/Guest]

a monthly fun day.

[Host 1]

That is awesome. And it's during a workday, too. It's not outside of the work hours.

[Caller/Guest]

Correct. We actually close the office. We don't tell everyone that we close the office, but our office is actually closed for that day. And we go out and we usually spend about two or three hours together. I mean, we've gone shopping at the mall. Like I said, the movies. Anything that we decide we want to do that month, we just go and do it. And luckily, we've been afforded the opportunity to continue to do that in the economy.

[Host 3]

Love it.

[Host 1]

It's great. It's great.

[Host 2]

What's the name of the company that I wrote the letter to that, you know? The Selig Selig Company.

[Host 3]

Selig Enterprises.

[Host 2]

Selig Enterprises is a company here in town. And I read an article about them in the paper a couple was, like, two months ago or so, Bert. That the owner of the company, Mr. Selig, appropriately enough, decided that business was going well and he was going to take all of his employees on vacation. So basically, he emailed him at the beginning of the year and said, nobody make any plans for a long Labor Day weekend. Not telling you where, not telling you for how long. I'm not telling you how we're getting there, but I got a surprise trip for you. Labor Day weekend. And he sent out clues throughout the year, and he ended up taking them all to Colorado to. I want to say Jackson Hole, but I think that's wrong. Or Aspen or some cool city in the Midwest. And spent the long weekend, the entire company did, together. But it was the way the article was written. It was super cool because everybody's trying to guess and figure out where it went. And of course, he picked up the whole tab.

[Host 3]

Everything.

[Host 1]

That's amazing.

[Host 2]

And it's not like a little. I mean, it's hundreds of employees.

[Host 1]

And did they get to bring family Members or significant other, whatever. Yeah.

[Host 3]

That's awesome.

[Host 2]

So you would go with your spouse or boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever. And it's like a, I guess. Celie Enterprises family vacation.

[Host 3]

Hey, Stacey, you're on Q100. Good morning.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, good morning.

[Host 1]

Hi. Why are we jealous of your job?

[Caller/Guest]

I have plenty of perks, but my favorite one, I'm a nanny. And so I'm driving around with the kids all the time. And so they have given me a credit card to charge all of my gas to.

[Host 1]

Nice.

[Host 3]

That's huge, right?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes, very nice. It is. And you know, they say, yeah, you know, a lot of the time you're not driving the kids around, but still, you know, we just want you to have that luxury. And they know I have a good fuel efficient car, so it's really nice.

[Host 3]

I just love, I love the attitude. Like at the end of the day, if you are meeting your numbers, who cares how you're meeting them? Spend the time the way you want. If you're meeting your numbers and you are meeting what we consider a successful number, do whatever else you want.

[Host 1]

It's giving people that autonomy to be at their personal best rather than forcing them to be at whatever standard you

[Host 3]

think they should be stressed out about it and all that. Hey, Heather, you're on Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, how are you guys doing?

[Host 3]

Good, how are you?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm so nervous. I always get nervous when I talk to you guys. I have the most awesome job in the world. I work for CNN, Turner Broadcasting. I've only been there seven years. I get 33 days off a year. We get raises every year. We get discounts from everything from furniture to electronics to entertainment. Tickets, like for Shastain, the aquarium, the zoo, we get tickets. We get free tickets for the Hawks, for the Braves, for the Thrashers. I mean, I can go on. I love my job.

[Host 3]

I mean, that's the kind you just. It's so rare that you hear company loyalty either way from the employees or the companies, but when you do stuff like this, it makes me want to work for you.

[Caller/Guest]

They treat us awesome. They even moved us to a four day work week because of gas.

[Host 3]

No kidding.

[Caller/Guest]

So I get Friday, Saturday. I mean, sorry, Thursday, Friday and Saturday off.

[Host 3]

That's fantastic.

[Host 2]

Do you know if you're hiring?

[Caller/Guest]

Not in my department. We're all full right now.

[Host 3]

I bet you are. And nobody's going. Nobody's going anywhere. Anastasia, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, y'. All. Good morning.

[Host 3]

Good morning.

[Caller/Guest]

My favorite perk is my sweet little company car. And Sweet little gas car that goes along with it.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Host 3]

So they pay for all. They pay for the car and the gas?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, absolutely. I get five weeks a year vacation and I have an expense account they cover like my Internet and my cell phone, too.

[Host 3]

That's why you sound so damn happy. Look at you sound all perky.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm just driving around the parking lot right now, just wasting gas.

[Host 1]

Who do you. Who does she work for?

[Caller/Guest]

I work for Pfizer.

[Host 1]

Pfizer?

[Host 3]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

Okay.

[Host 3]

Good for them.

[Host 1]

Good for them. Yeah.

[Host 3]

Thanks, Anastasia. Appreciate it. You heard how happy they sound, man.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 3]

Complaining when they got to go work.

[Host 2]

Excited to go to work.

[Host 1]

Well, it makes sense.

[Caller/Guest]

You spend most of your life at

[Host 3]

work, so, I mean, companies should really

[Host 1]

try to make it an environment where the employee wants to be there.

[Host 3]

If you do the math on it, think about it. If you're just working an eight hour day, and I know very few people that are only working eight hours now, that's more than one third of your life. Because one third you're spent sleeping. Okay? So that doesn't even count, Right? So, I mean, that's a large chunk

[Caller/Guest]

out of your life.

[Host 3]

If you're not happy there, the other two thirds of your life are gonna suck.

[Host 1]

And people identify themselves by what they

[Host 3]

do for a living. Sure. The bird show.

[Host 2]

Okay, this is only going to take one phone call. Por favor.

[Host 3]

I can't even remember why you got curious about this.

[Host 2]

The way my mind works, it's brilliance you'll never be able to comprehend.

[Host 3]

Be afraid.

[Host 2]

I have no interest in tragic stories. You know, no interest in. And something funny. Yep, it's gonna be fun stories. I'll screen out your tragedy. Have you ever legitimately been so scared that you crapped yourself? Cause you all know the phrase, you

[Host 3]

know, I blanked my pants. Yeah, I pooped my pants.

[Host 2]

Scared the tish out of me. You know what I mean?

[Host 3]

Mm.

[Host 2]

So has that ever literally happened?

[Host 3]

So there you're in netherworld or whatever and you didn't.

[Host 2]

You've been so frightened that you literally

[Host 3]

lost control of your mouth, of your boots.

[Host 2]

Because. Is that just. I mean, every phrase has to have an origin somewhere. You know what I mean? Wendy, have you ever been so scared that you crapped yourself?

[Caller/Guest]

No, I've never crapped myself. Bert.

[Host 3]

Not scared.

[Host 2]

Melissa.

[Host 3]

Wait

[Host 1]

a second. Based on alcohol.

[Host 3]

Sick.

[Host 1]

You've really done it.

[Host 3]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

You really did. Yeah.

[Host 3]

I mean, it wasn't full on or anything, but yeah, it was sick.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, yeah.

[Host 3]

I'm not proud of it.

[Host 1]

How about the rest of you. There's an awkward pause.

[Host 3]

I'm the only one in here that's honest, that's all. It wasn't even that long ago. Like, it's seven. It was seven o', clock, actually, this morning.

[Host 2]

People are calling, by the way.

[Host 3]

So all the phone lines are. These are just based on being. This is fear. These aren't. This isn't illness induced. This is. You were so scared.

[Host 1]

Something literally scared the crap out of you, right?

[Host 3]

No, that has not happened to me.

[Host 1]

Me either.

[Host 2]

Hobby.

[Host 1]

It hasn't happened to me.

[Host 2]

Hobby.

[Host 3]

I'm scared blankless. Based on being scared or overall.

[Host 1]

Overall.

[Caller/Guest]

Or.

[Host 2]

Or drunk?

[Host 1]

No. Jeffrey. Control of the bowels.

[Host 2]

Jeff thinks not this week.

[Host 1]

Ever.

[Host 2]

That paper, wide to the mouth really showed me.

[Host 3]

Ashley, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

It didn't happen to me. My brother worked at a sporting goods store and they got robbed one time and the cops showed up. He hit the emergency button and when the cops surrounded the guy, they said he went just right in his hands.

[Host 3]

Really?

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

The guy who got surrounded, the guy

[Caller/Guest]

who was robbing him. Yeah.

[Host 1]

The guy was up behind the counter. Yeah, I could see that.

[Host 3]

Oh, yeah.

[Host 1]

Somebody pulls a gun on you, you think your life is flashing before you.

[Host 3]

I didn't really think that.

[Host 1]

I get it.

[Host 3]

I didn't really think. I thought everything would tighten up more than anything.

[Host 2]

Yeah. I would try my best not to. Because if something. If I was about to die, I don't want to be the guy who crapped. I don't want that to be. The last memory is. Oh, crap, I crapped myself. Darkness.

[Host 1]

Yeah, right.

[Host 3]

Neil, I'm gonna put you on hold right now. You might be my close call. Okay?

[Caller/Guest]

Sure.

[Host 3]

Hold on.

[Host 1]

Oh, no.

[Host 3]

Good morning, Susan. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

Good morning. I was a supervisor at a tpacky client and we had covered a guy in tea bags. And we had another guy that was there to clean him up. And as he started cleaning him up, the guy popped out of the tea bags. And not only did the man faint, but he crapped his pants. And I lost my job.

[Host 1]

You lost your job?

[Caller/Guest]

I did, but I tell you, I was infamous.

[Host 2]

Hey, listen, just so you know, if I own the teabag company, let me tell you something. The person who would get fired would be the one who crapped himself in the office.

[Host 1]

There you go.

[Host 3]

He can't be trapped.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, they wanted to have me arrested. I mean, they were really upset and I thought I would be eating grits and toast for the weekend.

[Host 3]

That's a Tragic teabagging story. Good morning, Q100.

[Host 2]

Teabagging lesson.

[Host 3]

Hey, Eric.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm a paramedic here in Cobb county, and I was working. Not working. I was on my way home from work, and I watched this truck literally roll over four or five cars in front of me and stopped to make sure he was okay, and he literally crapped himself all over his car.

[Host 3]

That'll do it. Chris, you're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey.

[Host 2]

Good morning, guys.

[Host 3]

Good morning.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm actually a former drug agent, and I did a search warrant on a house and went through the front door, and the guy crapped himself right there. He was wearing tighty whities.

[Host 3]

It didn't take long at all.

[Host 2]

How come the only people who wear tighty whities are criminal and Homer Simpson

[Host 1]

and end up on the show Cops?

[Host 3]

Common thread here is that it's just guys calling in for this.

[Host 1]

Of course.

[Caller/Guest]

Good morning.

[Host 3]

Neil, you're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey. How's it going?

[Host 1]

Good.

[Caller/Guest]

All right. Well, when I was a little kid,

[Host 3]

you know, I did something stupid.

[Caller/Guest]

My parents, like, you know, I didn't do my chores or something, so they were chasing me around my room, and I literally crapped myself. And, you know, they're trying, like, you know, smack me around or whatever, and I literally crapped myself, and they couldn't even do anything. They're just like, clean yourself up.

[Host 3]

So you pooped yourself over chores? Over not doing chores?

[Caller/Guest]

I pooped myself over chores.

[Host 3]

Be a man. Good morning, Jody.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. Good morning. You guys are great, by the way. I love you all.

[Host 3]

Thank you. Not right now, but in general.

[Caller/Guest]

But anyway, Me and five other interns, we went to the morgue, and we were looking at how there were embalming bodies and opening him up. And we went to this other table. This guy just came in, and for some reason, the guy's eye opened and it closed back and everybody, including me, ran screaming. And. Yes, we all.

[Host 3]

All of you.

[Caller/Guest]

All of us. And we didn't even want to go back in.

[Host 2]

It was a group crapping.

[Host 3]

I had to go land on that. No, that's a hard one to beat.

[Host 1]

Can you. I would crap myself.

[Host 3]

Holy crap.

[Host 1]

Is one eye opened.

[Host 3]

That happen, like, based on, like, just muscle stuff going on there?

[Host 1]

Probably just, like, a convulsion or something. I would definitely cry myself.

[Host 3]

Go ahead, Kara.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey.

[Host 1]

Hey.

[Caller/Guest]

So this last little segment you were doing about when it happened. How about during an orgasm?

[Host 1]

Oh, what?

[Caller/Guest]

No. Okay.

[Host 3]

Well, no, no, really. How do you explain that?

[Caller/Guest]

Actually, he was pretty fine with it because he realized that it was something that he had done.

[Host 3]

Yeah, he was pretty proud to help,

[Caller/Guest]

actually brag about that.

[Host 3]

There's some honor in that, I guess.

[Host 2]

Okay, the bird show.