The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Friday, January 16 [Vault]

Date: January 16, 2026
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & others

Episode Overview

This lively episode delves into two broad themes:

1. Unusual Life Experiences — The cast and callers share personal admissions of things they've never done that most people have, sparking a series of fun, surprising, and sometimes heartfelt confessions.
2. The Ethics of Infidelity Websites — Later, the show hosts a spirited debate with the operations manager of AshleyMadison.com, a website that connects married people seeking affairs, about the "myth of monogamy," societal choices, and personal responsibility.

Through honest, humorous chats and a heated ethical debate, the episode showcases The Bert Show’s hallmark blend of authenticity, wit, and inclusiveness, inviting listeners to reflect and laugh along.

1. Who’s Never…? Odd Life Experiences

(00:00–19:47)

Main Discussion

• Posing "The Impossible": The show launches with Bert announcing a question that “will pertain to absolutely nobody” in their audience: Has anyone never read a book, cover to cover? (00:05)
  • The cast muses about how each random topic they bring up somehow always finds a listener who relates and calls in.
  • Reference to Victoria (“Sporty Spice”) Beckham’s confession that she’d never read a book, which beats their prior random topics. (00:41)

Key Listener Calls and Stories:

• Miriam, 21, HR Manager:

  • Has never read a book “cover to cover.” Used Cliff Notes throughout school and college.
  • “I'm totally literate, but whenever I was in school, I would read Cliff Notes.” (02:31)
  • Says she doesn’t feel left out in social situations—she reads summaries for context.
  • “If it’s a good book, I’ll read the summary... if people are talking about it.” (05:02)

• Cecilia, 28:

  • Left school in 10th grade; can read magazines, but never finished a book.
  • “My kids read books, but I don’t read them.” (06:20)
  • Kids often destroy books instead of reading them.

• Brian, 29, Computer Programmer & Fitness Trainer:

  • IQ 165, college educated, never read a book cover to cover; uses reference books, reads chapters, finds reading boring. (08:55)
  • “I've never read more than a chapter at one time.” (10:14)
  • Attributed his lack of interest to never being encouraged to read as a child.

• Maria:

  • Calls as an avid reader (3 books a week), expressing disbelief that others don’t read and reflecting on the lost value of imagination and vocabulary.
  • “Reading cultivates an imagination and a vocabulary that you don’t have if you don’t read.” (10:43)

Other Unusual “Nevers”: Rapid Fire Admissions

(13:08–19:47)

• Never been to New York (Host, 35 years old)—reluctance due to a past negative experience with accent-based discrimination. (11:51)
• Bert: Never drank an entire can of Coke. (13:26)
• Never seen popular movies (E.T., Breakfast Club, Raiders of the Lost Ark)—The cast bonds and teases each other. (13:51)
• Never flown on a plane (Kyle, 23, Dad works at airport).
• Callers with other surprises:
  • Never chewed gum (grosses him out).
  • Never eaten seafood (lifetime vegetarian).
  • Never had a hamburger (Brooke, 18).
  • Never owned a cell phone (Trisha, 30).
  • Never seen the ocean or real mountains.
  • Never had a beer (Lane, 23, college grad).
  • Never eaten anything green (Brandon—“It’s the texture”).

Memorable moment:

• “What do these people do when they're laying on the beach?” – Cast, reflecting on non-readers (10:33)
• “That makes my heart hurt.” – Cast, in response to caller who never ate veggies (21:36)

2. Phone Prank: Fake University Credits Call

(21:53–26:31)

A classic Bert Show prank, calling “Sarah Brittany” at the library, pretending she’s 28 credits short for grad school.

• "We did not like 38 of those. So gone." (22:56)
• Escalates as the prankster doubles as "supervisor," creating confusion and frustration.
• Sarah: “This is absolutely unbelievable. I am not leaving the campus...” (25:50)
• Ends with the big reveal and laughter.
  • "You had my heart going a thousand miles a minute!" – Sarah (26:22)

3. AshleyMadison.com Debate: The Ethics of Infidelity

(26:35–46:01)

Guest: Darren, Operations Manager of AshleyMadison.com

Topic: Is monogamy a myth? Does a site for married people seeking affairs reflect reality, or just enable cheating?

Key Points & Arguments

• Darren’s Position (AshleyMadison.com):

  • Claims monogamy is largely a myth, especially as humans now live so much longer.
  • “We were meant to propagate the species... our needs for a mate change as well.” (28:14)
  • The site is “accepting human nature and the human condition”—addressing reality, not causing affairs.
  • Divorce is not always desirable or possible—so for some, a “safe” environment for affairs is preferable.
  • "We’re servicing an existing market." (33:51)

• Bert’s Nuanced Response:

  • Agrees men may be instinctually non-monogamous, but choices and self-control are real. (29:52)
  • “I also believe you can control that.” (29:52)

• Melissa’s Direct Challenge:

  • Rejects biology as an excuse: “If you choose to be married... that is your choice and your fault alone.” (29:04)
  • Her anger peaks at Darren’s justifications—calls out the site's enabling.

• Erin's Critique:

  • Points out inconsistency: divorce is “pretty acceptable” these days, so why not just get divorced rather than cheat? (31:10)
  • “If your children are so important... but they’re not important enough not to go to your website…” (31:44)

• Callers React:

  • Angela: “He’s like the drug pusher on the street who says, ‘I’m just out here selling crack to people who are going to do it anyway.’” (40:08)
  • Sherry: Points out Darren’s own history with infidelity and calls him out. “Bless your heart, that’s all I have to say.” (42:30)

• Darren's Rebuttal:

  • Stresses that people who want to cheat will find a way, with or without such sites (44:22).
  • Cites high-profile cheaters, like Clinton and Prince Charles, as evidence that risk doesn’t prevent affairs (41:55).
  • Admits to substantial site traffic (over 535,000 members; average user lifetime spending of $147). (43:38; 45:38)

• Cast Closes with Final Jabs & Disbelief:

  • “It has never been more accepted to have an adulterous relationship than it is right now.” – Bert (45:40)
  • “It’s a new cool thing to do. It’s like a little baby chihuahua in your purse.” – (45:50)
  • Ongoing sarcasm about the site's marketing, ethics, and profit motive.

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “I think I've got the one question that will pertain to absolutely nobody in the Burt show listening audience.”
  – Bert, (00:05)

• “I am 21. Graduated college, too? …Have never read a book because you read the CliffsNotes? … Yep.”
  – Miriam, (02:41–02:51)

• “Reading cultivates an imagination and a vocabulary that you don’t have if you don’t read.”
  – Maria, (10:43)

• “I just never in school I’d read, but I would lose interest, so I just put it down and never read it all the way through.”
  – Cecilia, (06:07)

• “We are not just animals… we have brains, we have decision making power, we know right from wrong.”
  – Erin, (36:23)

• “I’m just saying that people do screw around, people do cheat on their spouses, and for those people, we want to offer a safe forum to explore those feelings.”
  – Darren/AshleyMadison, (39:07)

• "He’s like the drug pusher on the street..."
  – Angela, (40:08)

• "It has never been more accepted to have an adulterous relationship than it is right now."
  – Bert, (45:40)

Highlighted Segments & Timestamps

• The Book Reading Challenge (00:05–12:00)
• Callers Share Their “Never Have I Ever” Moments (12:00–19:47)
• College Credit Prank Call (21:53–26:31)
• AshleyMadison.com: Ethics Debate & Listener Calls (26:35–46:01)

Tone & Atmosphere

• Casual, real, and comic — The cast rib each other and listeners with good-natured humor, even as they touch on personal insecurities.
• Candid and challenging — Especially in the AshleyMadison interview, the team digs in with sharp, opinionated questions, unafraid of confrontation.
• Interactive and inclusive — Listeners’ voices drive the “never have I ever” conversation, and in the AshleyMadison segment the hosts ensure multiple perspectives—caller outrage, guest defense, and moral critique—are all aired.

Summary Takeaway

This episode perfectly captures The Bert Show’s mix of laughter, relatability, and cultural critique. From quirky personal admissions to fiery ethical debate with a controversial guest, listeners are both entertained and provoked—reminded that everyone has something they've never done and that issues about love, choice, and morality are rarely black and white.