Full Show PT 3: Friday, July 31 [Vault]

Summary

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The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Friday, July 31 [Vault]

Air Date: July 31, 2026
Featured Hosts/Cast: Bert, Stacey, Jeff, Wendy, Brandon, and listeners

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show delivers the signature blend of laughter, personal stories, and listener engagement. The highlights include intern Brandon’s search for a childhood crush, a candid discussion about helicopter parenting and adult independence, a heartfelt segment about kicking cigarette addiction, and a spirited debate about dads, musicals, and traditional masculinity.

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Key Segments & Insights

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1. Intern Brandon’s Childhood Crush & On-Air Matchmaking

[00:45–10:39]

• Story Set-Up: The cast focuses on Brandon’s memorable summer romance at tennis camp with Lacey, a girl he hasn’t seen since he was 11. The team digs into old-school camp crushes and what they mean in adulthood.

  • “It was 1998, it was summertime... At this tennis camp, I distinctly remember one girl from the camp, Lacey...” – Brandon [01:17]

• Update on Lacey: After some behind-the-scenes research, Jeff reveals that the infamous Lacey is engaged and declined an invitation to be on the show, thinking it was "creepy."

  • “Lacy’s getting married... she declined. She thought it was creepy.” – Jeff [04:14]

• Listener Email and Live On-Air Setup: While Lacey is out of reach, the show receives an email from Andrea, a listener attracted to Brandon’s on-air persona. Andrea and Brandon are introduced live, leading to playful chemistry and a spontaneous Braves game date proposal.

  • “Do you want to go to a Braves game with me, Brandon, on a date?” – Brandon [09:24]
  • “I would love to. Yes.” – Andrea [09:29]
  • “Money on the job. Let’s make this up. Let’s absolutely make this up.” – Host [09:31]

• Racial Preferences & Dating Discussion: The segment dips into Brandon’s dating history and Andrea’s own preferences, handling the sensitivity with transparency and humor, though not without missteps.

  • “There is one problem with Andrea... She’s black.” – Jeff [07:38]
  • “I did not say that was a problem.” – Brandon [07:40]
  • Andrea shares, “I’ve never actually dated anyone who was darker than myself... I understand where he’s coming from.” [08:04]

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2. Helicopter Parents & Adult Dependence

[10:39–22:24]

• Grown Adults, Parental Involvement: The team shares personal and listener-submitted stories of adults having parents make work calls, give feedback to their bosses, or even drive them to jobs.

  • “This is a grown woman. Her mom lived in a different city. It’s not like she lived with her mom.” – Host [10:49]
  • “My mom said we should do it differently.” – Wendy [12:13]

• Anecdotes from Listeners: Callers recount scenarios such as a 21-year-old needing parents to drive her to each assignment, and a 28-year-old school teacher whose mom still handles most life tasks.

  • “Her parents drove her to every assignment... she was hysterical every time she would have to drive somewhere by herself.” – Stacey (Caller) [16:36]
  • “My best friend, she’s 28. Her mother does her laundry, cooks her dinner, grades her papers, bounces her checkbook, does her taxes, calls her out of work, makes her doctor’s appointments, pays her bills...” – Sarah (Caller) [17:36]

• Host Commentary: The group decries overparenting and urges for more independence in adulthood, often with dry humor.

  • “Don’t you want to raise an adult?” – Bert [15:23]
  • “If you don’t allow them to start making their own decisions, they become adults and are incapable of making a decision.” – Host [16:16]

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3. Breaking Addictions: Stacey’s Smoking Cessation

[22:24–31:49]

• Setting the Scene: Host interviews his wife Stacey as she prepares to quit smoking at age 40. She candidly details her stress, coping mechanisms, and the significance of publicly claiming her quit date.

  • “I love to smoke... it’s like the last thing that has a hold on me.” – Stacey [26:05]
  • “Since I set my quit date... I’ve been smoking an insane amount of cigarettes, which will make it harder to stop.” – Stacey [27:06]

• Motivations and Methods: Stacey discusses her motivations (family, health) and her cold-turkey approach, with the option to try hypnosis if the cravings get too strong.

  • “By 40, I should be able to understand that... it’s so selfish of me to have children and a husband and then take that risk every day.” – Stacey [28:04]
  • “I don’t want to replace it with another thing... The whole purpose is to replace this with my own self, Will.” – Stacey [29:26]

• Listener Calls & Support: The call-in community offers empathy and shares their own challenging stories of loved ones' smoking-related health struggles.

  • “My mom had her first massive heart attack at 36... every time I see her light up, it just breaks my heart.” – Ashley (Caller) [30:01]
  • “Now that you’ve claimed it publicly, that’s another reason to do it.” – Wendy [30:55]

• Addiction Real Talk: Stacey draws on her prior victories over painkiller addiction, underscoring that this quit attempt “feels different—it's not a choice anymore, it’s required.” [31:10]

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4. Dads, Masculinity, and Musicals: The Mary Poppins Debate

[31:59–38:27]

• Family Outing to “Mary Poppins”: Bert narrates his reluctant but loving attendance at “Mary Poppins” with his wife and kids, describing the ensuing household musical singalongs.

  • “For three hours, I can jump on the grenade here, man. It’s Mother’s Day weekend... Let’s go see Mary Poppins.” – Host [32:27]
  • “Now, every time we’re in the car together, it’s a cranked up sing-along to Mary Poppins songs.” – Host [32:52]

• Hosts Debate Masculinity and Musicals: The hosts playfully argue whether enjoying musicals (especially “Mary Poppins”) strips away a grown man’s “straight man” credentials, with Jeff and Wendy ribbing Bert for his discomfort.

  • “Please find me one straight man that was excited to go to Mary Poppins.” – Host [33:43]
  • “There’ll be plenty of straight guys, seriously... A father will enjoy seeing their children have a good time.” – Bert [33:48]
  • “It’s the gayest musical ever.” – Wendy [34:41]

• Listeners Chime In: Callers add a spectrum of opinions—some straight men love musicals, while others, like Bert, go for their families.

  • “I actually love Mary Poppins more than my wife and kids do.” – Jerry (Caller) [37:11]
  • “Yeah, I’m straight as I can be. Man, I love musicals. I think the world would be a better place if everybody just sang what they were talking.” – Billy (Caller) [38:00]

• Memorable Singalong Moment: The hosts break into spontaneous song, embodying both camaraderie and the kind of family fun that Bert grudgingly, but lovingly, tolerates.

  • “It’s a jolly holiday with you!” – Wendy [38:24]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Letting Go of Childhood Romance:

  • "She just thought it was a little bit... you come on the radio, you say hey, I remember you. Yeah, I’m getting engaged and it’s over." – Host [04:34]

• On Adulting and Parenting:

  • "If you wanted so badly to be an adult, then be an adult. You take some pride in that." – Bert [20:49]

• On Smoking and Motivation:

  • "It feels different because at this point, it’s not a choice anymore. It’s required. It’s something that I have to do. It’s not really a choice." – Stacey [31:10]

• On Being a Dad at a Musical:

  • “You don’t represent every straight man in America.” – Bert [34:27]
  • “I go because my family wants to go. And you enjoy it because your family is enjoying it.” – Brian (Caller) [36:44]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment/Topic | |-----------|---------------------------------------------------------| | 00:45 | Brandon’s story of summer crush “Lacey” | | 03:27 | Update: Lacey engaged, declines to come on | | 05:01 | Email from Andrea; on-air matchmaking with Brandon | | 08:04 | Racial dating preferences discussion | | 10:49 | Grown adults relying on parents (calls, anecdotes) | | 17:36 | “Teacher’s mom grades her papers” call | | 22:24 | Stacey’s pre-birthday stress and smoking cessation | | 26:05 | Candor on struggles to quit smoking | | 30:01 | Caller shares emotional story about mom’s smoking | | 31:59 | Bert takes family to “Mary Poppins,” singalong madness | | 33:43 | Debating straight men and musicals | | 37:11 | Callers (straight men) express love for musicals | | 38:24 | Host singalong (“It’s a jolly holiday with you...”) |

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Overall Tone and Takeaways

The Bert Show maintains its signature blend of humor, heart, and honesty. The cast isn’t afraid to poke fun at each other or dig into uncomfortable subjects, from childhood longing and awkward dating dynamics to the boundaries of parental involvement and the hard-won battles of addiction. Lively, real, and unfiltered, this episode is a classic dose of relatable morning radio.

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Transcript

[Ryan Reynolds]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[Bert]

of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for a 12 month plan. Required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy.

[Brandon]

See terms they don't real smartphones.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Huh?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Download text now, pay what you want or not at all.

[Brandon]

Show these ridiculous carriers we're way too smart to pay dumb free app based

[Bert]

talking text via the Text now app requires WI fi or data connection. Data plan sold separately. 5G where available.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Hey, the bird show. Okay, we need to turn the attention to intern Brandon now. Oh, it's been a long 48 hours. A long 48 hours in the life

[Bert]

of intern Brandon Lacy. Lacy lover.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Brandon, let's go ahead and let's reset this.

[Stacey]

All right.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

All right. Tell us the story of you and one Lacey. 11 year old Lacey that was built like she was 12 and a half back in the day. Okay.

[Brandon]

It was 1998, it was summertime. I still lived in New York, but my dad lived down here and we used to spend summers with my dad and he didn't want me around all that much, so he signed me up for tennis camp. So at this tennis camp, I distinctly remember one girl from the camp, Lacey, and we became friends and it was sort of a summer fling type of thing, you know, not really a fling.

[Jeff]

Did you kiss her?

[Brandon]

No. Did you hold hands maybe? I think so.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

I don't know. Like holding hands when you're 11 years old. least when we were younger was a really big deal. Let's get lunch together now.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's nothing.

[Brandon]

If that was anything. We ate lunch together.

[Jeff]

Did you let her hold your balls?

[Brandon]

No.

[Wendy]

Your tennis.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Tennis camp?

[Brandon]

Yeah. Yeah. She held my ball.

[Bert]

We're always 11.

[Brandon]

She played with my racket too. If you want to go right there.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Okay. Jeff is so impressed with himself right now.

[Jeff]

My goodness, I'm tired today. And that line is going to get me through to 10 o'.

[Bert]

Clock.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

So you're 11, 12 years old or whatever. And then after summer camp, did you guys continue to talk or was it over then?

[Brandon]

Not really. It Was over. It was for the era of cell phones, so it was no real sad.

[Jeff]

So you couldn't text?

[Brandon]

No, you couldn't text and you're not gonna really? There's no Facebooking back then? No way back in the day before Facebook, so.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

So how often do you think of this girl? Like once a month? Once a year? Every now and then.

[Brandon]

My dad, every time I talk to my dad, he seemingly brings it up. I don't know why. Maybe because he has better do his life.

[Jeff]

Does he like a lot of 11 year old girls or just this one?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

No.

[Brandon]

I don't know. You know, whatever floats his boat, you know, but inappropriate.

[Bert]

You're is going to be up in a post office someday.

[Jeff]

I'm not the one obsessed over the 11 year old from tennis camp.

[Brandon]

So. Yeah, every time I talk to him, he seemingly brings her up.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

He's like, how about that Lace?

[Brandon]

Yeah, he's like, what about that laser guy?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

So, all right, so this is years and years ago and Brandon's just curious what she's up to. Jeff, are you giving the update? Because I got zero info.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I can.

[Bert]

Oh, no, this is like a legitimate update.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

The bad news is she's not on with us.

[Brandon]

Well, last time we had girls on relating to me, it didn't go too well. Well, you know what?

[Jeff]

How about this, Bert? I'll do the bad news and you do the good news.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Okay, cool.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Stacey]

Okay.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

There is good news.

[Wendy]

Okay.

[Jeff]

There's light at the end of here. A little 11 year old rainbow. The girl, Lacy. As soon as we talked about it, we started getting phone calls. And the rumor was that she was married or getting married, engaged or something.

[Caller/Listener]

Right.

[Jeff]

So we started getting phone calls that people knew who she was and that she was in a relationship and she was getting married. And we thought those were pretty credible considering one of them was her maid of honor. So before we brought it to you, we wanted to do the research and we did. And it's true. Lacy's getting married. So that's sad. We did ask her if, you know, she'd be willing if she wanted to come on and talk to you, and she declined. She thought it was creepy.

[Brandon]

Yeah, probably.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Which I think is as a sidebar here, I think it's kind of ridiculous that she thinks it's creepy.

[Bert]

Just like, did she really think it's creepy?

[Jeff]

It's 10 years ago, according to her maid of honor. She just thought it was a little bit.

[Bert]

I mean, you come on the radio,

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

you say hey, you say hey, I remember you. Yeah, I'm getting engaged and it's over.

[Wendy]

Some people just think the radio is creepy.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Yeah, well, with Jeff making comments like that, I wonder why.

[Jeff]

So I don't take it personally. Again, not the one looking for the 11 year old. So she's not going to come out with us. She's not 11 now, so that was sad. That was a bummer. But in the meantime, we got an email that Bert will read that is a ray of sunshine in your life of misery.

[Brandon]

Oh, thanks, Jeff.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Because when one door closes. Okay. Hey, Bert, what's up? My name is Andrea, and I'm a sophomore at. This next line is gonna be a big one here. If it's high school not fun at Brookwood, at Georgia Highlands College. On my way to school, I was listening to the show, which I love and heard the love lost and found for the young woman Lacey. For intern Brandon. Though I listen to the show because of my sleeping habits, I don't listen daily. So I didn't know who he was or had ever heard his voice. To get to the point, Burt, I can say that I find myself being attracted to him.

[Bert]

Hey, what's going on?

[Wendy]

Meow.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

His playful personality and his ability to take a joke about his Persona kind of made me jiggle, Jiggle, Jiggle.

[Jeff]

I don't think I read that. Is it really jiggle?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Maybe it's giggle. My bad.

[Bert]

Now who's creepy, creepy, creepy.

[Brandon]

Wow, this segment is.

[Bert]

No wonder Lacey didn't want to come on this show.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Wendy, you can give me as much crap as you want because I gave you crap yesterday.

[Wendy]

I know.

[Bert]

You mean for saying frustrated. Now you say giggle as jiggle.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Now, not that I'm asking for some sort of date or anything, because I have had a lot of alcohol work and so on and so forth, but I was just wondering if there was any way that I can just have a simple conversation with him. Well, if simple conversation is on the radio where it's totally and completely comfortable, then yes, you can.

[Brandon]

Oh, thanks, guys. We're not to be creepy with this.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Here's Andrea. Hey, Andrea.

[Stacey]

Hi.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Guys, this is intern Brandon. Intern Brandon. Andrea.

[Brandon]

How you doing?

[Caller/Listener]

Hi.

[Brandon]

And you're not being paid to do this, are you?

[Stacey]

It's giggle. And I never had alcohol to fix that, too. Also.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Okay.

[Stacey]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Is that something that Bert just inserted in the mail?

[Jeff]

I don't know where you got alcohol from, but she.

[Brandon]

I think he's implying that a girl would have to have alcohol just to be able to hold a conversation. She doesn't say alcohol at all.

[Jeff]

Anywhere in that either.

[Brandon]

Thanks, Bert. Thanks.

[Bert]

Did you just put that in there?

[Jeff]

He did.

[Brandon]

Makes her jiggle when she needs.

[Bert]

What is going on?

[Jeff]

Let me correct where, Bert, I have

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

a lot with school, and I, for whatever reason, said alcohol.

[Bert]

Gee, dumbass Freudian surprise.

[Jeff]

But I do think we have to address the very next line, which I'll read, Bert, because who knows what you would do.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Yeah, right.

[Jeff]

There is one problem with Andrea.

[Bert]

Oh, no. What?

[Jeff]

She's black.

[Stacey]

Oh, yes.

[Brandon]

I did not say that was a problem.

[Jeff]

And Brandon said. He does not.

[Brandon]

I never said.

[Jeff]

I don't say.

[Caller/Listener]

No.

[Bert]

There's a little too. A little too attitude if you're black.

[Jeff]

She says she gets teased by her friends for acting white.

[Bert]

Oh, just like Brandon.

[Brandon]

Yeah, basically by five people.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Andrea, are you offended that Brandon has said that he won't date or has not dated black girls before?

[Stacey]

Actually, I'm not, because I remember the lady who called yesterday was saying, you know, she didn't understand. I totally understand, because I've never actually dated anyone who was darker than myself. Like, I've only dated people who are like my chocolate skin tone and lighter. So I understand where he's coming from. And it's not that I don't like them. You know, I've seen a lot of. Plenty of attractive, really dark men, but after a while, I'm just like, yeah, not really interested.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Now, Brandon, does she have an attitude that you can deal with? It sounds like she's pretty nice to me.

[Brandon]

Yeah, she sounds cool. She is. Okay, she doesn't sound like the lady who called up Monday with the snappy finger attitude.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

She did have that attitude.

[Brandon]

Yeah, she had that.

[Stacey]

Oh, no, I don't.

[Brandon]

She's gonna come to the radio and smack me.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Andrea, I think, like, one of the prerequisites for Brandon here is that you gotta dig baseball. Do you like sports in any way, shape or form?

[Stacey]

I don't know any sports because nobody will ever explain them.

[Jeff]

Oh, Brandon will.

[Bert]

Nice move. Nice move.

[Stacey]

I'm willing to listen, I'm willing to learn anything, but nobody's willing to explain

[Bert]

it to me, so be careful what you ask for. Yeah, I'm just kidding.

[Brandon]

You know what?

[Jeff]

You're gonna be calling us in 10 days with that same exact sentence, but it's gonna be a.

[Brandon]

You are not kidding in 10 days. I think I can explain the infield fly rule to her.

[Wendy]

Hey, Brandon, here's the part where you ask her to go to a Braves game with you.

[Brandon]

Okay? Hey, let's go to a Braves game.

[Wendy]

No, ask her do you want to go.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Oh.

[Brandon]

Do you want to go to a

[Jeff]

Braves game with me?

[Brandon]

With me, Brandon, on a date?

[Stacey]

I would love to. Yes.

[Bert]

All right.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Money on the job. Let's make this up. Let's absolutely make this up.

[Brandon]

Hey, Bert, can we get the SunTrust seats?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Probably not.

[Brandon]

Probably not. It's worth a shot, though.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

I'll tell you what. If you make it through three dates with her, I'll work on the sunfest.

[Jeff]

Just so you know, the game is gonna be about her, not about where you're sitting. You don't want to be sitting in a place that's gonna get you sexually aroused more than the girl you're sitting next to.

[Bert]

Isn't that anywhere in Turner Field? For him?

[Wendy]

Yes.

[Brandon]

It's just stepping on the property. You know, when the Braves take the field, that's when, you know, the fun begins.

[Jeff]

Lucky chipper.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Hey, Andrea, we will absolutely put you on hold, and we will provide tickets to the Braves game, and. Yeah, we'll set you two up.

[Stacey]

Okay.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

For sure. Okay. Hold on one second.

[Stacey]

Okay.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Okay.

[Bert]

This could be your destiny.

[Jeff]

I'm being totally honest. I'm nervous about you taking her out for the first time in a Braves game.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

It's either gonna go really, really well, or you're just gonna continuously talk for nine innings and it's gonna go off.

[Jeff]

I don't think you'll be able to focus on her. I don't think you. I think you're gonna be talking about baseball the whole.

[Brandon]

I think I will. Cuz the Braves aren't that good. The.

[Wendy]

Get it.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

The Birch Show. All right, so we used to have a Birch show employee here back in the day that used to have her mom call in sick for her.

[Wendy]

Mm.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

And we all looked at each other when that used to happen. This is a grown woman. It's a grown ass woman.

[Wendy]

She was how old at the time?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

23, 24 years old.

[Bert]

Yeah, well.

[Jeff]

And her mom lived in a different city. It's not like she lived with her mom.

[Bert]

Her mom lived on the West. You know, over on the West Coast.

[Jeff]

Her mom lives in Colorado. So it's like, one thing. Like, if I wasn't feeling well and was up all night and Jessica was up, and I asked her to call one of you guys. Like, we didn't know her mom. Her mom didn't live in the city. Her mom didn't live with her, which made it kind of freaky.

[Wendy]

It was weird.

[Jeff]

So you get a call from Colorado saying, hey, my kid, who's six miles from me, right? Now can't come into work today.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

What if your kid's not living with you? Yeah, pretty much they're on their own when it comes to the work.

[Bert]

I know. And yeah, I mean, and it reminded me of who you're talking about when it was a friend of a friend. So I don't know this person directly, but this friend was saying that her friend is a boss, okay. In an office and has an employee who is around that same age. And it's not the fact that her mom calls in sick for her, but it's the fact that when she's talking to her employee, there's a lot of times that she'll give her instruction. And then let's say the next day, that employee comes back and says what her mother's feedback on that instruction was.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Oh, get out of here.

[Bert]

So the employee would, like, talk to her mom about work, and the mom would give her feedback, and then the girl would go back and tell the boss what her mom had said.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Oh, no, you're kidding.

[Wendy]

No, that is ridiculous. My mom said we should do it differently. Yes. Like, we should work on or.

[Bert]

My mom disagrees with that. Yeah, exactly. And says it to the boss, and the boss is like, how do I handle that? When the employee who doesn't live at home is somebody who is so. The umbilical cord is so taught that she can't make it. She can't even take. It's not just make a decision with her mom. She can't even take instruction at work without her mom's feedback.

[Wendy]

That's the antithesis of Bert's relationship with his family. If you are on one end of, you know, the pendulum, this is completely the opposite.

[Stacey]

I.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Seriously, you're gonna think that I'm making this up way too attached. In my very first radio job, I was answering phones, and I was doing research for a country radio station, and I would have to go through the phone book every day, and I would have to call up people randomly and see if they listen to country music. Right. I had that job for a year and a half, and I was, like, 17 years old at the time. I just wanted my foot in the door of radio. And I came home one day because I got fired from the job. I did a practical joke at work. They took it the wrong way, and I got fired from the job. I was having too much fun at the radio station, and I got fired. And I came home to tell my dad about it because I was so bummed about it. And he's like, you work Where? It was a year and a half.

[Wendy]

And he didn't know you worked there.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

He had no idea where I was working. The total anticipated, like you said. Antithesis of what you're talking about.

[Wendy]

Oh, it's just

[Bert]

your life is tragic.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Now. Let me get this straight. You work where.

[Bert]

Need a hug? I mean, I know this is. What practical joke did you.

[Jeff]

I know. That's what I wanted to know.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

It's kind of a complicated story, but I was doing research out, and there were like seven or eight high school kids all in the same room. And as I said, we'd have to go through the phone book and call people up and say, hey, do you listen to kson, the country station in town? They'd either say yes or no. And if they said yes, then we would play them some hooks of country songs and they would rate them for us. Right. Well, on Lunch break one day, I thought it would be really funny to take out the speaker portion of the phone, because back in the day, you used to be able to unscrew, like, the bottom part of the phone, and there was a device in there that made it so other people on the other end could hear you.

[Bert]

Right.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

I screwed all the phones and I took that device.

[Jeff]

That's funny.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

So everybody in the room was, like, talking to these people on the phone, and nobody could hear them back.

[Bert]

So they'd hang up on them.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

So they'd hang up on them, and they brought engineers back from home that were like, having dinner with their family, and nobody could figure it out.

[Jeff]

Why did you let it go so long?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Because it was one of those things where it went on too long and I was too scared to say anything.

[Bert]

And he was 17.

[Brandon]

Hey, Debbie.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Stacey]

I work in a doctor's office, and I have a patient that's probably in her 30s and is a school teacher and has her mom call and make her appointments for her. No, she's sitting in the chair next to her telling her what to say.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Is that right? I don't think this is so uncommon. 404, 741. Q100.

[Stacey]

What?

[Bert]

Yeah, I. Well, I mean, I blame the parents. What? What are you thinking?

[Stacey]

I know that I'm thinking this person is teaching our children and she can't pick up the phone, make her own doctor's appointment.

[Bert]

I mean, don't you want to raise an adult?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Like, I've got to believe there are parents that still help out their adult children with, like, checkbooks and make appointments for them. I hope These helicopter parents are listening right now.

[Wendy]

Yes.

[Bert]

Let it go for your kids.

[Jeff]

There's probably parents who do work projects.

[Stacey]

Yeah, I bet.

[Jeff]

No, like, if a kid has to do, like, a spreadsheet, I say kid, but an adult, like, if a child.

[Bert]

Well, that's. The parent sees them as a little kid's son.

[Jeff]

If an employee has to do, like, spreadsheets from work or expense reports or something like that, I could see.

[Bert]

It's okay, honey. I'll do it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'll do it.

[Jeff]

Just give me your receipts. I'll do it.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

This is like that helicopter mom we had on a couple of weeks ago with the whole prom thing.

[Jeff]

What was that?

[Bert]

Oh. Cause she wanted to choose her son's date. She'd already asked somebody to the prom and she didn't like it, so she talked him into getting somebody else to go with him to the prom.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

I'm saying that's where it all starts, right there. Like, if you don't allow him or her to start making their own decisions that early, then they become adults, and they are incapable of making a decision, you know?

[Bert]

Oh, I can't stand it. I don't. Again. What are you expecting your child to become? If you are hovering so long and so closely, you know, here's Lindsay.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Good morning, Lindsay. You're on the Burt Show.

[Caller/Listener]

Morning.

[Stacey]

How y' all doing?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Good. How are you?

[Stacey]

I had an employee, it was last year sometime, and my job. You kind of travel around a little bit. But she was 21, and her parents drove her to every assignment that I sent her to.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Come on.

[Stacey]

They drove her to every assignment.

[Wendy]

Now, both parents drove her. Like, she sat in the back seat while Mommy and Daddy drove her. Or just one parent at a time, they would rotate.

[Stacey]

Sometimes mom would drive, sometimes dad would drive. And then when I put an end to it, she was hysterical. Every time she would have to drive somewhere by herself.

[Jeff]

What do you mean hysterical?

[Bert]

She had a car.

[Stacey]

Crying, like, hysterical sobbing, crying when she would get to work if. If her parents weren't there.

[Wendy]

That is sad.

[Bert]

I have a feeling that the criers are. I mean, like, when she. I. I'm not surprised that she said that. She started losing it and couldn't handle it and started crying. You know, I think the people that can't handle situation. I'm not talking about a tragic situation, but something. If you get permit. You get reprimanded at work for something and you start crying, you know, you probably had a helicopter parent.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Hey, Sarah, Good morning. You're on the Burt Show. Hi.

[Stacey]

Hey, guys. My best friend. Roll. 28. And her mother does her laundry, cooks for dinner, grades her papers. She's a school teacher, bounces her checkbook, does her taxes. Yep. Calls her out of work, makes her doctor's appointments, pays her bills. It drives me crazy.

[Bert]

How old is this girl?

[Stacey]

She's 28. She's a teacher.

[Bert]

28. And she's a teacher. And her mom does all this for her, and now.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Does she live with her mom still?

[Stacey]

She does, because her mom has cancer.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Okay.

[Stacey]

Like. But either way, I don't care. I mean, I live at my parents because I'm unemployed and trying to school and make something of myself, but my parents definitely don't, like, do any of that for me. The only thing my dad will do is occasionally I'll convince him to put gas in my car.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Yeah. Dad's like.

[Stacey]

I mean, it's ridiculous.

[Caller/Listener]

She doesn't.

[Stacey]

She doesn't think there's anything wrong with it.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

28.

[Wendy]

Her mom wants sad. That is so sad.

[Bert]

I'm gonna do that today. You know what? I'm gonna do that today. I'm gonna call Millie P. And I'm gonna say, mom, I need some doctor's appointments. And I just want to hear her response. She'll be like, who are you? I'm sorry. Are you serious?

[Jeff]

Why don't you ask her to call, like, Tracy to get you out of the next Q100 event?

[Bert]

I should.

[Stacey]

I know.

[Wendy]

It's so funny.

[Jeff]

Will you call Tracy? She scheduled something at the end of June, and I'm just not going to be there. Can you call her and just let her know?

[Bert]

See, the difference is, Millipute would not do that and start reprimanding me from trying to get out of an event.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Right.

[Bert]

You know what I mean?

[Wendy]

I think if I called my dad and said, dad, would you call Bert and tell him that I'm not gonna be able to make it? I think he would start laughing. He would think it was a complete joke.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

We should have our parents call each other. So your dad should call my dad, who has to call me for you to call and say, I like it. Here's Megan. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Stacey]

Good morning. That's actually pretty funny. You should do that. You know, I think it depends on the situation. I never had my mom call in to work for me. That's. That's a little pushing it too far.

[Bert]

Stupid.

[Stacey]

But, I mean, I'm. I'm 26, and my mom makes doctor's appointments and things like that all the Time for me.

[Bert]

Why?

[Stacey]

When you. I have a lot of medical issues. We're dealing with two different types of cancer. And when you're dealing with that many. That many doctors and that many, you know, different facilities and things like that, sometimes it's just easier to have your mom help you make appointments and remind you when things are and things like that.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Melissa's getting ready to jump on.

[Bert]

No offense, because, I mean, I'm sorry you're going through cancer, but there's things called calendars I have right here at a glance. Paper calendar. There's phones that have appointments. I mean, I have medical condition. And I don't think ever, one time I ever had my mommy call the doctor for me. I mean, you're a grown woman.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Well, in a case like this, when you're sick, though, like, some days you're going to be tired or whatever, and you wouldn't solicit for the help of your family in a place like that.

[Wendy]

Your mom reminds her of when to go.

[Stacey]

I'm, like, so sick from chemo that I can't stand up straight, you know, I understand that.

[Bert]

I understand that. But, I mean, it seems that you're calling. It's a routine for you, though. It's not just once in a while, this is a routine that you have your. Your mom make your doctor's appointments for you.

[Stacey]

Yeah, I'd say she probably calls the doctor for me at least once a week. Yeah.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

You would never have that in your house. No, never, ever.

[Bert]

I mean, because I think. Well, here's my thing is I also. I blame the parents, but also, as. As the children. You cannot complain as a teenager of wanting to be an adult and then get to adulthood and then call mommy and daddy for everything. Like, you gotta. I mean, seriously, you've got to. If you wanted so badly to be an adult, then be an adult. You know, you take some pride in that.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

One last call. Hey, Gloria. Good morning. You're on the Birch Show.

[Stacey]

Good morning.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Morning.

[Stacey]

I work at a courthouse, and we deal with people all day, and they come in and pay fines for, like, grown children. You know, it's ridiculous to see these grandmothers and mothers come in to pay fines. Sometimes we'll. You know, we have to pull them up at birthdays, and they're, like, you know, in their 40s and their 50s, and they've got their grandmothers and mothers paying fines for them.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

This fires Melissa up more than anything else we talked about.

[Caller/Listener]

It does.

[Bert]

I don't understand, because these are the people that are. I mean, I Don't know. I just feel like all these people are in our society doing things well,

[Jeff]

you know, like, Melissa does not want people around her.

[Bert]

No, it's not just me. I'm just the one being vocal about it. I just think it's ridiculous.

[Jeff]

Melissa, if you're gonna live in my world, you're gonna meet my standards.

[Bert]

No, I would be. I'm the only one that's calling everybody out on being. Being immature and dumb. Why are you doing that?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

I know. I think the sick listener. That one, to me, is in a category all by herself. But I would be offended as a parent if my kids at 24 called me up for that kind of help. I'd say, what did I do wrong? 28 or 28. What did I do wrong?

[Caller/Listener]

50.

[Bert]

We're doing that one.

[Wendy]

Teacher's mom grades her papers.

[Bert]

That's crazy.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

You're on the Vert show. Listen, it's the Vert show, all right? So my wife here is turning 40 years old. She's not hiding it.

[Wendy]

Happy birthday.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

She's not hiding it. Hi, baby. How you doing, honey?

[Stacey]

I'm good.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

How are you? What's up? You sound a little. You okay?

[Stacey]

I didn't sleep. I slept, like, two hours last night. I'm stressed. I'm trying to chill out.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Why are you stressed?

[Stacey]

There's just a lot of people coming, a lot of stuff to get done. I'm being taken away from the house so much, which I'm excited about. I'm not complaining. It's just there's. I just have a lot I had to get done before I leave the house, so I'm just trying to. I just run around like a freaking. I'm glad there's trim. I love trim.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Healthy trim.

[Bert]

Wow.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

I don't know that that's an endorsement right there.

[Jeff]

Just, you know, out of curiosity, in

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

her cigarettes for a healthy trim.

[Jeff]

How many of those are you taking?

[Stacey]

Because 40. You know, I have two more days, though, to lose the last pound. I'm taking two in the morning, and I'm, you know, so whatever. It gets me very hyper for, like, two hours, and then I'm fine. But normally I only take one because that's why.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Yeah, I felt like I just fed this talk up just a little bit.

[Jeff]

She's going through healthy trim the way I go through Skittles.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Just use a comma and a period from time to time. We're gonna be okay here, baby.

[Wendy]

Take a deep breath.

[Jeff]

Stacey, why are you worried about your party? Why don't you just ignore it and let Burt be in charge.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

She doesn't have any idea what's going on. We have left her in the dark. No, she's not. She's.

[Bert]

You are.

[Stacey]

You have to understand, I have a control issue, which I work on weekly at my therapy. But because of my control issue, the OCD gets really bad when I'm out of control. And if I know the plans, I get nervous. And so I been acting kind of crazy.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

And this is like a three or four day celebration. We had family party last night with the kids. I'm taking her somewhere today. She has no idea where we're going, and we've got plans for her on Friday. Then the big party is on Saturday, and we're gonna have like 80 people within our house and our neighbor's house, and she has no idea what's going on. So she sketched out to the max. And what she really needs right now is a cigarette.

[Jeff]

Hey, Bert, are you taking. Is it a road trip?

[Stacey]

I'm having a cigarette.

[Jeff]

Because you may want to invest in a pill of some sort, too. You got to be in a car with her.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Well, she'll calm down like an hour and a half, two hours, and she's like a normal person. But these next two hours gonna go by very quick. All right, so let's talk about the smoking thing here, because I've talked about it a lot during the show, and I've tried to be as patient as a husband can be, and this was like. This is like a deal breaker for me. But I have felt for months, if not a year now, that you weren't ready, and I wasn't gonna push you on it. I think I pushed initially and I just said, you know what? Just keep it away from me. And if this is really what you gotta do, this is what you gotta do. And then about a month and a half ago, we sat down and I said, stacey, we have a problem here for a whole bunch of different reasons. Health reasons. I hate the fact that every time she puts a cigarette in her mouth, that it could be causing her one last day with her family and her kids. And then the superficial part of the whole thing is I just. The smoke in her hair. When I go to kiss my baby, it smells like an ashtray. I just. That's that part of it, too. So we had a long talk one night, and she came up with the date. She's like, all right, just give. Not on my back. Not one word about it until this date. And then I'll stop that day and that day's coming up this weekend, right?

[Stacey]

Yes.

[Wendy]

Is it gonna be Saturday or Sunday?

[Stacey]

Sunday.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

After.

[Bert]

After the party? Yes.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Okay, I think that's smart. Saturday, I say.

[Wendy]

You just plow through enough of them and you've got such a hangover headache, you never want to touch another one ever again.

[Stacey]

Oh, I cannot tell you since I set my quit date, which I told no one, and then Bert had that talk. We had that talk, and then I went ahead and told him. So once I put it out there, I didn't. Now I don't. Now I have to do it, because if I didn't tell anybody and I didn't feel like I was ready, I could wait. But now I put it out there, so I have. I love to smoke, as stupid as it is. It's disgusting, it's stupid. I mean, it tells you right on the box you're gonna die if you do this. But I love to smoke, and it's like the last thing that has a hold on me. And so I've worked really hard to eliminate outside things to make me feel better, and I'm trying to learn to do that on my own. And these cigarettes just have this hold on me, and I can't seem to stop them. And then ever since I set the quit date, I've been smoking, like, insane

[Wendy]

amount of cigarettes, which will make it harder to stop.

[Stacey]

Well, I was talking to a friend of mine who is. I've been smoking on and off since I was 15, and I've quit a couple of times for long periods of time. And so, Pennsylvania, he said to me, don't say you're quitting. Just say you're stopping. Because, smokers, something will happen, and it will be the most random thing, and you may pick it up again 20 years from now. Who knows? God help me if I do. But he just made it like. It just made like I didn't feel like I'd failed all those other times because I was feeling like I kept failing at quitting. And so it just kind of took some pressure off, and now it doesn't feel as hard. But he said, are you smoking, like, three times what you normally do? And another friend of mine who's quit smoking asked me the same question. I'm like, yes. So I guess everyone does this right before they know they're going to quit. They smoke like mad.

[Bert]

Well, Stacy, one thing we haven't talked about is why did you choose Sunday as your date?

[Stacey]

Because I. There are a couple of reasons. I mean, one, I'm 40, you know, how much longer is it going to take me to understand that this is really not the thing to be doing? You know, I mean, by 40, I should be able to understand that. And two, I mean, if anything, it's so. It's so selfish of me to have children and a husband, and then I take that risk every day, every time I have a cigarette, that I could take time from them. And that's so selfish and unfair. And. And, you know, they say don't quit for other people, that you should quit for yourself. And I am. But I'm also quitting for them because I. Because that's. That's. That's what I got to do. I mean, it's just the right thing to do. As hard as it is, it's just. It's just so stupid.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Are you planning on using, like, any Nicorette or, like, one thing?

[Stacey]

That way it's all or nothing. I've done everything that way. It's how I do things. I know that, but it hasn't worked

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

up to this point, so why would you think it's going to work?

[Stacey]

It has. For everything else I've ever quit cold turkey.

[Wendy]

Have you thought about the hypnosis that we talked about?

[Stacey]

I have, and I guess kind of my plan is that I'm going to go cold turkey, but if I feel like the cravings are too difficult, then I'm going to go see Sean right away.

[Wendy]

Good.

[Stacey]

And try that, because I don't. I don't want to replace it with another thing. So I don't want the Nicorette. I don't want the patch thing. I don't want those blue cigarettes that you smoke the air. I just feel like what. You know, that's just replacing the same thing. And the whole purpose is to replace this with my own self, Will.

[Wendy]

I've replaced it with bacon. Just kidding. That's the other thing you don't want to replace it with, is lots of food.

[Jeff]

I've replaced something with bacon, but I've never smoked. I don't know what it is, but

[Stacey]

I'll smoke bacon one day.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

You don't know what.

[Stacey]

You replaced bacon.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Here's Ashley. Good morning. You're on Q100 Hot.

[Bert]

Hi.

[Stacey]

Hi. I just wanted to tell Stacey I wish you the best of luck, and I really hope and pray for your kids and for Bert that you are able to accomplish this, because at age 36, my mom had her first massive heart attack. She's had two since. Her doctors tell her, put the cigarettes down or you're Going to die. And as her 35 year old daughter, now every time I see her light up a cigarette, it just breaks my heart because I just feel the same way. It's taking a day away from us. I wish you the best of luck.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Well, I know she's gonna do great on this whole thing. I mean, unfortunately, Stacy set the precedent where she showed me that she can quit anything she wants in one day. I mean, she was on painkilling medication for years, and in one day she decided to quit. And that was it. Never got back.

[Wendy]

Cigarettes will be harder.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

You think cigarettes are gonna be harder?

[Wendy]

Yes.

[Jeff]

Really?

[Wendy]

I think cigarettes will be harder. But I also believe you can do it.

[Bert]

Yeah, I think you can do it.

[Wendy]

And now that you've claimed it publicly, that's another reason to do it.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

All right, darling, I gotta take off. I'm proud of you.

[Stacey]

Okay?

[Wendy]

You got this, girl.

[Bert]

You're gonna be successful.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

You totally got this.

[Stacey]

You know, this is a. This one feels different. And I'll tell you why it feels different. It feels different because at this point, it's not. It's not a choice anymore. It's. It's required. It's something that I have to do. It's not really a choice.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

I'm with you.

[Stacey]

I do it or I die. It's the same as the drugs, so it's the same thing. And I guess I. You know, most addicts after they get off their drugs are right onto cigarettes because you just need a replacement in the meantime. And I feel like that's kind of what I did. But I'll be clean two years in June and I shouldn't need this anymore. At two years.

[Jeff]

Is it wrong to do a Birchill bet on this or.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Yes, it would be totally wrong. This is the Birch Show. This is the Bird show.

[Brandon]

All right.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Not exactly my cup of tea, gotta tell you. But my wife loves the musical, Hayden loves musicals, and Hollis will go wherever we go. So we end up over at the fabulous Fox watching Mary Poppins over the weekend. Two and a half, three hours. The family really enjoyed it.

[Bert]

The sound of it is something quite atrocious. If you say it loud enough, you'll always have a

[Caller/Listener]

me in the head.

[Jeff]

Head.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

So I thought, okay, for three hours. I can jump on the grenade here, man. It's Mother's Day weekend. It's family, everybody's happy. Let's go see Mary Poppins.

[Bert]

Yep.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

So I went. And it wasn't awful, but it was. It's not my cup of tea.

[Bert]

You should have put a spoonful of sugar in there. Yeah. No. What's wrong with you?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

The problem has become after Mary Poppins, because I thought you do your time, you get over, you go to dinner. Well, I didn't realize at that time. Stacy bought the soundtrack to Mary Poppins.

[Bert]

That's great.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

So every time we're in the car together now, it's a cranked up sing along to Mary Poppins songs.

[Bert]

Oh, it's a jolly holiday with Mary just like this. See, but we talked about this off air, like we. Mary holds your hand, you feel so grand. Your heart starts beating like a big bra spice.

[Stacey]

I can't take it anymore.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

See, this is my only as escape is in here.

[Bert]

But see, the thing is, we've talked before about how you. We talked before about how your family is not, you know, not like traditional family.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

It wasn't a healthy family.

[Bert]

Wasn't a healthy family. And so what you missed was those trips to musicals and how that's part of childhood is all these musicals and the soundtracks and it. And it connects to your childhood.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Please find me one straight man that was excited to go to Mary Poppins and his.

[Bert]

Plenty. There'll be plenty of straight guys. Seriously. Seriously. Because if they enjoy. Yes. Sorry, guys. Because a lot of times a father will enjoy seeing their children have a good time.

[Jeff]

No, that's a side of it. That's a father enjoying it for their kid.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

That's exactly what I did.

[Bert]

I didn't complain about it after the fact.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

I wasn't complaining about the show. I was complaining about the constant singing going on afterwards. Soundtrack cranked up.

[Jeff]

Burt is just annoyed that when they're driving Hayden to his planning meetings for the Pride Parade, they've got Mary Poppins piped into the car.

[Bert]

See, I don't understand why everything has to turn into this. You're not a man if you like musicals.

[Jeff]

It's Mary Poppins.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

You want me to be something I'm not? I'm not going to.

[Bert]

But you don't represent every straight man in America.

[Jeff]

It's not like he was at Wicked or Les Mis or some other musical that's like, at least got a testosterone element. It's about a nanny who can fly with an umbrella.

[Wendy]

It's the gayest musical ever.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

I didn't complain through the show. I sat there and I enjoyed my family enjoying it.

[Wendy]

You know what you need, Bert?

[Bert]

Just a spoonful.

[Stacey]

Oh, my God.

[Bert]

Makes the medicine go down the medicine go down Medicine go down.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

So here's a snapshot of my life. Stacy jacked up her Car again. So it's in the shop, right?

[Brandon]

Oh, my God.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

The rental that we have now is a minivan. So for the last three days, our minivan has been cruising around with the soundtrack of Mary Poppins as loud as it'll go. And it's just been a snapshot of my life.

[Bert]

You're a dad. That is. That is a snapshot of your life.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Just cause you're a dad. You have to totally enjoy Mary Poppins.

[Jeff]

What about the Lion King?

[Caller/Listener]

A girl.

[Jeff]

Young boy growing up to take over the jungle. Not a flying nanny.

[Stacey]

Hello.

[Brandon]

Whatever.

[Stacey]

Whatever.

[Jeff]

Eat some sugar.

[Caller/Listener]

Mmm.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Hey, Mandy. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Stacey]

Hi. I was just going to tell you I went with a group of girls to go see Mary Poppins last week on Thursday night. And sitting in front of us were two straight guys.

[Wendy]

Hello.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

By themselves.

[Stacey]

With each other. But they were straight. You could. I mean, it was. They were not there as a couple.

[Jeff]

Yep, they were. Just so, you know, you were thinking, hey, I could set them up with my friend and. Unless your friend's name is Dave, Steve, or Eric. No, you couldn't just.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Those guys were not. They were not straight.

[Caller/Listener]

Right.

[Stacey]

Are you sure?

[Jeff]

Spoonful of sugar wasn't the only thing

[Stacey]

going down that night when they were going. They were going to be meeting day there because there was a lot of checking phones and their body language seemed a little uncomfortable once it started.

[Caller/Listener]

Right.

[Jeff]

Because it was their first date.

[Bert]

Don't argue with them.

[Jeff]

You know what they did is they said, hey, listen, I'm married, you're married. We don't want our wives to know that we're, you know, venturing over the other side. Where can we go where we won't be surprised?

[Bert]

Testosterone, guys. We get it. We got it.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Hey, Brian. Good morning.

[Caller/Listener]

Hey, good morning. I just wanted to say that I did musicals in high school and everything, but, Bert, you're right. You still represent all straight dudes. We don't want to go see that stuff.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

You go because your family wants to go. And you enjoy it because your family is enjoying it. But you're gonna find very few dudes that actually want to go see married pops.

[Jeff]

I'm sorry, Melissa.

[Brandon]

That is.

[Bert]

It doesn't bother me because you're not a straight man. It doesn't bother me at all.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

You're not straight or a man.

[Bert]

Correct.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Hey, Jerry. Good morning.

[Caller/Listener]

Good morning. How you doing?

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Okay.

[Stacey]

You?

[Caller/Listener]

What's funny is I actually love Mary Poppins more than my wife and kids do. Whoa.

[Bert]

Thank you for calling.

[Jeff]

How about, do you like it more than your new husband.

[Caller/Listener]

There are plenty of straight guys. I mean, every time I hear chim chimney chim chimney chim chim shaboo ears well up in my eyes.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Okay, you're the only. I'm just saying you're the only one calling. That's all I'm saying.

[Wendy]

He's the only one strong enough in his manhood to admit it.

[Jeff]

Do you think he's. Do you sing that song?

[Caller/Listener]

And I'm black and I love Mary Poppins.

[Bert]

Awesome. Thank you for calling.

[Jeff]

Do you think that straight?

[Wendy]

And he loves Mary Poppins.

[Jeff]

That chim chim when he's fixing things around the house.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Says whole life is a musical.

[Caller/Listener]

Right.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

We found two. I think there's another.

[Jeff]

And then we'll be on Soulmates.

[Brandon]

Hey, Billy.

[Jeff]

Good morning.

[Caller/Listener]

Morning.

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

Hello, sir.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, I'm straight as I can be. Man, I love musicals. I like that show Glee. I think the world would be a better place if everybody just sang. If they're talking.

[Bert]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Jeff]

Do you want to end this phone call in song?

[Wendy]

Which Mary Poppins song?

[Caller/Listener]

I love the Vert Show. Sitting in traffic. Great.

[Bert]

Love it. Good for you.

[Wendy]

It's a jolly holiday with you But

[Host (possibly Bert or main male host)]

I can't do it anymore it's the Vert Show.