Full Show PT 3: Monday, April 13 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Monday, April 13 [Vault] Date: April 13, 2026
Summary by Podcast Summarizer

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Episode Overview

In this lively and freewheeling episode of The Bert Show, the hosts dig into weddings and relationships, share quirky emergency-room stories about jewelry injuries, explore gender differences around curiosity and bedroom antics, and react to some outrageous real-life news. True to their morning show style, the conversation is funny, authentic, and welcoming to listener input, featuring call-ins and light-hearted banter. Segments are both laugh-out-loud and occasionally cringe-inducing, with memorable quotes and real stories about marriage, mishaps, and sometimes the downright bizarre.

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Segment 1: Wedding Planning Red Flags

(Main discussion: 01:27–14:26)

Key Points & Insights

• The team discusses a wedding planner’s claim: She’s identified five warning signs in wedding planning that predict relationship trouble.
• Host and panelists debate and react, with many listeners sharing personal experiences via live call-in.

The Five Red Flags:

1. Bride Refuses to Let Groom Choose Cake

   • Total control by one partner signals inability to compromise—trouble down the road.
   • Bert: "If it’s too important and she doesn’t let you participate, that’s a big red flag." (03:40)
   • Wendy: “If he wants to participate and she’s not listening… that’s a huge problem.” (03:27)

2. Groom Lets His Mom Call the Shots

   • Excessive involvement from a groom’s mother (a “mama’s boy”) foreshadows future interference.
   • Multiple listeners confirm this is a hot-button issue.
   • Caller Charlie: “My mom was super, super involved… she’s actually almost planning a second wedding for us for when we get back.” (07:23)
   • Amanda (Charlie’s wife): “She’s really caring and wanted to show her love by helping and it was just too much.” (08:42)

3. Bride Blows Half the Budget on Her Dress

   • Secretive or lopsided spending is a sign of lack of respect and poor partnership.
   • Burt: "It's a huge sign that she doesn't respect him and refuses to compromise. And trust me, those tendencies don't disappear after she walks down the aisle." (05:40)
   • Melissa: “I know a marriage where that kind of happened… a lot of drama during the planning stages over expense.” (06:18)

4. Bride Freaks Out Over Groom’s Bachelor Party

   • Extreme jealousy (e.g., threatening to leave over a bachelor party) implies deep trust issues.
   • Burt: “If you can’t trust him, why the hell are you walking down the aisle?” (10:34)
   • Wendy: “Just gotta be trustworthy and let it go.” (14:00)

5. Bride and Groom Fight in Front of Others (Especially Wedding Planner)

   • Public arguments suggest lack of respect.
   • Burt: “Arguments are private and dragging me into them shows that there is a lack of respect for each other and for their bond.” (10:46)
   • Jennifer: “If you can do it in front of a complete stranger, there’s no hope.” (14:16)

Notable Moments & Quotes

• Listener call-in from Charlie and Amanda—real-time feedback about over-involved mothers-in-law, leading to funny but revealing exchanges (06:53–10:07).
• Multiple listeners (12:22–13:00) weigh in: some say the groom’s mother should pay up but stay out, others (Melissa) joke about the transactional relationship between in-laws and the wedding.

Timestamps

• List of red flags begins: 01:27
• Discussion of “Bride Refuses to Let Groom Choose Cake:” 02:13
• “Groom Lets His Mom Call the Shots:” 03:40
• “Bride Blows Half the Budget on Her Dress:” 05:06
• Listener call: Charlie and Amanda on meddling moms: 06:53–10:07
• “Bride Freaks Out Over Groom’s Bachelor Party:” 10:18
• “Bride and Groom Fight in Front of Others:” 10:46
• Wrap-up/reflection: 13:00–14:26

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Segment 2: Jewelry Injuries – Unlikely ER Stories

(Main discussion: 16:10–23:39)

Key Points & Insights

• Jeff reads a fact: 800 people per week go to the hospital due to jewelry-related injuries.
• Hosts and listeners swap stories about injuries from rings, earrings, piercings (including the infamous “Prince Albert”), and more.

Types of Mishaps:

• Rings caught and causing finger injuries (e.g., degloving)
• Earrings and braces mishaps
• Children’s fingers swelling due to toy machine rings (Caller’s 11-year-old son: “We actually ended up in the ER twice. He had to have rings cut off.” 20:41)
• Humorous and gross-out humor around body piercings: “Prince Albert” and its origin (18:08–19:14)

Notable Moments & Quotes

• Melissa: “Wendy, you had to drive me to Northside because I couldn’t see… Mark Lamuth… 12 rings… I bumped right into him.” (17:22)
• Jenny (Caller): “His ring got caught up on something up there and it actually ripped his fingers off.” (20:12)
• Melissa on cringe: “I never thought the phrase ‘pulled my brackets off’ would make me Kegel. Every muscle in my body tensed up.” (22:06)
• Jeff: “I only have four [pieces of jewelry]…”
  Melissa: “And your little Prince Albert thing?”
  Burt: “That's not really a piece of jewelry…” (18:08)

Timestamps

• Stat introduction—jewelry injuries: 16:10
• Hosts’ personal jewelry stories: 16:47–18:03
• Body piercing chat: 18:08–19:14
• Listeners' injury stories: 19:35–22:23
• Discussion wrap: 23:39

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Segment 3: Do Women “Lift the Sheet” After a Hookup?

(Main discussion: 24:12–31:38)

Key Points & Insights

• Bert describes a “classic movie/TV scenario” where after a hookup, a woman lifts the sheet to check out a sleeping man’s physical attributes.
• Hosts and callers debate: Is this real, and why do women do it?
• Many women call in and admit, yes, sometimes it happens—especially when alcohol is involved or details are fuzzy.

Notable Moments & Quotes

• Bert: “I’m just really curious if women do that.” (25:01)
• Caller Caroline: “Yeah, I have to say I’ve lifted the sheet before… Maybe little trophy just to take a peek after the whole event.” (27:09)
• Jennifer: “If you did it the night before then you look and you’re like, oh, that sucks.” (27:42)
• Caller Jennifer: “My girlfriends called me and they were like, you have to look and you have to use a ruler.” (30:13)
• Melissa: “That’s why I only hook up in Europe, because they use the metric system and it just sounds more impressive…” (31:05)

Timestamps

• Scenario intro: 24:12
• Women’s take (hosts and callers): 25:53–31:38

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Segment 4: Viral Moment—Glenn Beck Radio Meltdown & Remix

(Main discussion: 32:06–35:58)

Key Points & Insights

• Playback and humorous remix of a well-known conservative radio host’s on-air meltdown over healthcare reform.
• Hosts gleefully dissect the tantrum and joke about its cinematic villain potential.

Notable Quotes

• Glenn Beck (remix): “Get off my phone, you little pinhead!” (34:09, repeated for effect)
• Wendy: “He needs to be the villain on a Disney movie. Doesn’t he sound like the villain?” (35:10)

Timestamps

• Glenn Beck original meltdown: 32:38–34:09
• Remix and reactions: 34:09–35:58

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Segment 5: DIY Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong

(Main discussion: 35:58–39:28)

Key Points & Insights

• News story about a woman who gave herself plastic surgery with online-bought silicone.
• Her botched home job leads to major health issues; discussion on the lengths people will go to for beauty, especially in tough economic times.

Notable Quotes

• Reporter: “By the following day, it was completely inflamed… horrible blisters.” (37:39)
• Wendy: “There’s just some things you don’t need to get discounted. Plastic surgery… you gotta go, if you’re going there, go there.” (38:50)

Timestamps

• News intro and reactions: 35:58–38:50
• Panel reflection and wrap: 38:50–39:28

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Final Thoughts

• The wedding red flags segment struck a chord, with strong reactions about boundaries, trust, and meddling parents as enduring hot topics in marriage.
• The jewelry injury stories ranged from the hilarious to the cringe-worthy, showing how everyday objects can become ER nightmares.
• The “sheet lifting” discussion provided candid female perspectives, full of both honesty and humor.
• Viral audio moments and cautionary tales about DIY surgery rounded out an episode anchored by authenticity, audience participation, and irrepressible fun.

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Most Memorable Quotes

• “If you can’t trust him, why the hell are you walking down the aisle?” – Burt (10:34)
• “That's why I only hook up in Europe, because they use the metric system and it just sounds more impressive.” – Melissa (31:05)
• “Get off my phone, you little pinhead!” – Glenn Beck audio (34:09+ remix)
• “There’s just some things you don’t need to get discounted. Plastic surgery… you gotta go, if you’re going there, go there.” – Wendy (38:50)

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For fans of listener stories, light-hearted real talk, and the humor of shared experience, this Bert Show vault episode hits all the right notes of candid, collective commiseration.

Transcript

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[Jeff]

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[Jeff]

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[Burt]

You're on the Burt Show. All right, so here it is. This is the wedding planner. She's done like 80 weddings and she says it's consistent now, you know, now she's got enough weddings behind her and she's seen some of the successes and some of the failures of weddings that she's planned for. And she says there are five different stages in wedding planning, and if these aren't going well with the couple, then the the couple is doomed. See if these ring true or not.

[Melissa]

I wonder if she feels an obligation now when she sees the trouble in the stages. She's talking about whether if she says anything to them or not. You know, don't waste your money. I mean, I know I'm getting paid here, but don't waste your money because you ain't gonna make it.

[Burt]

What if a wedding planner has ever said that to somebody? It's not gonna work.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I don't wanna be a part of this.

[Burt]

So see if this works for you guys. 404-741-Q100 she says one, the bride refuses to let the groom choose the cake.

[Wendy]

The groom's cake or the whole cake?

[Burt]

The bride refuses to let the groom choose the cake. And here's why, she says why. When I encounter a woman who refuses to relinquish any control to her fiance, it doesn't bode well. I can think of a few instances in which the woman ruled the event with an iron fist.

[Glenn Beck]

And.

[Burt]

And the couple ended up in divorce court few years later. Basically they weren't able to make decisions together. So I think the headline is a little deceiving. What they're saying is when the bride takes over, she doesn't listen to the husband or the future husband at all. Won't take his input. She's running with everything. There's a real control issue there.

[Jeff]

Especially if he wants to participate. Cuz I think a lot of times guys don't care. Whatever honey, get whatever cake you want. Get order whatever you want. I'll just show up and be in my tux, you know. But I think if the guy wants to participate and he has an opinion and she's not listening to it, then I agree. But I mean, did you care what kind of cake you had?

[Burt]

I didn't. I was one of those guys that said stace, you know, will you marry me? She said yes. And then I just sort of moved aside.

[Jeff]

You were like whatever.

[Burt]

Not only with the planning of the wedding, but our whole marriage.

[Jeff]

But if you, if you wanted to be, you know, if it was really important to you to, you know, serve some sort of food that you loved or have something be a part of it. And she was like no, that doesn't fit my color theme or whatever, then I could see that being a huge problem.

[Burt]

Too important. And she doesn't let you participate. That's a big red flag. Alright, headline number two. The groom lets his mom call the shots. She says most of my brides involve their moms in the planning process. And why wouldn't they? It's like having a second planner for free. But sometimes grooms mothers try to muscle in too. Which is something I'll never understand. Not only is it inappropriate, but it's up to her son to tell her

[Melissa]

that what if, I mean, but what if she doesn't have any daughters? Do you think there's a case where she just wants to plan? She wants to be a Part of a wedding. And since all she has is a son, that. That's why she does it.

[Burt]

I think you look at. You have to look at it generally rather than specifically.

[Jeff]

I wonder what that means about, like, what does that say about him if he lets his mother be involved and take over and take charge?

[Melissa]

Yeah, mama's boy.

[Jeff]

Like he doesn't have a cell phone or he can't tell her no.

[Wendy]

Can it even be said if his mother is involved?

[Jeff]

No, I think the mothers can be involved a little bit. I mean, you want them to care about it, not in making decisions.

[Wendy]

But if he brings his mom to the cake tasting.

[Jeff]

No, no.

[Wendy]

If he brings his mom to the tux rental.

[Melissa]

Well, if he does that, he's. I mean, the mother, the bride already knows how much of a mama's boy he is. You know what I mean? Like by that point, as the bride, don't you already know?

[Burt]

Well, maybe in a case like this, it's a sure example that he can't make any big decisions without his parents input. Maybe that's what she's trying to say

[Jeff]

without mom being there.

[Burt]

Mm. Or being involved somehow. Number three, the headline is the bride blows half the budget on her dress. Weddings are pricier than ever, and money related issues can cause a lot of undue tension. So when a bride goes behind her groom's back and splurges on a big name dress or expensive flower arrangements, I start to get nervous. It's a huge sign. Now, this one is bolded, so you know it's important.

[Wendy]

It actually means you have to. You have to shout it.

[Burt]

Let's not capitalize though.

[Wendy]

Oh, then you're fine.

[Burt]

Just. Yeah, I could use a different voice for bold.

[Wendy]

Say it strongly.

[Burt]

It's a huge sign that she doesn't respect him and refuses to compromise. And trust me, those tendencies don't disappear after she walks down the aisle. That's my bold voice.

[Wendy]

I didn't know. I didn't realize bold meant sinus infection.

[Jeff]

I would agree with that one too.

[Burt]

She says, I've worked with tons of couples who fought viciously over the wedding budget and learned later that many of them continued to argue and eventually split. To me, the key there is that the groom doesn't know how much she's spending on the wedding dress. And what she says is she goes around his back and buys a designer dress and he really doesn't know how much she's spending on it.

[Wendy]

I know a marriage where that kind of happened is that marriage was coming together. There was a lot of drama during the planning stages over expense. And she started doing that, like, and just randomly, he would, you know, like, get like a letter in the mail or something. It says, hey, you know, blah, blah, blah. Here's, you know, your cake has been reserved and the confirmation and a copy of your invoice is attached, even though it's paid in full. And he's like, what?

[Burt]

Huh?

[Wendy]

$2,500 cake? Or I don't know how much it is, but ridiculously high cake price. That's italics, by the way.

[Burt]

We got two more to go, but Charlie wants in on this.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Burt]

Hey, Charlie, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller Charlie]

Hey, what's going on, guys?

[Burt]

You tell us.

[Caller Charlie]

Love the show. First of all, thank you.

[Melissa]

Thank you.

[Caller Charlie]

Me and my new wife, we just got married two days ago. We're actually driving in the car to the airport to leave for the honeymoon.

[Burt]

Why are you listening to this segment?

[Jeff]

Congratulations.

[Burt]

Turn us off for a couple of minutes.

[Caller Charlie]

We like to see you every day, every morning on the list of work.

[Wendy]

Well, first of all, what's your names so we can congratulate you?

[Caller Charlie]

Charlie and Amanda.

[Wendy]

Congratulations. Does it sound like it's going to last?

[Melissa]

Yeah. Why, isn't it going to make it?

[Caller Charlie]

No, it is.

[Wendy]

Okay.

[Caller Charlie]

But what on the comments about the mother was dead on, though. Amanda and my mom were, like, best friends. They got along really, really well. My mom really loves Amanda. And towards the end of the planning, she, you know, she. She's actually almost planning a second wedding for us for when we get back. And so she was super, super involved. And it kind of just got to the point where we quit answering the phone because we just didn't want to deal with the stress.

[Burt]

So what you're saying is in this case, on this wedding planner, she's saying that if you allowed your mom to get away with all that, then your relationship is. That's a big red flag. But you put your foot down and said, mom.

[Melissa]

But you said that she's planning a second wedding for when you come back.

[Caller Charlie]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

So is this like a competition between Amanda and your mom?

[Caller Charlie]

They actually was a competition between you and my mom.

[Melissa]

And that would be. Yes, I think it's more of.

[Caller Charlie]

There's a lot of people that she wanted to invite that couldn't make it, so she wanted to plan a whole nother. Whole nother, like, thing.

[Burt]

What's Amanda think about all that?

[Caller Charlie]

I don't know. Do you want to ask her?

[Burt]

Sure.

[Caller Amanda]

Yep. Hello.

[Burt]

Hey. How are you?

[Caller Amanda]

Good. How are you?

[Burt]

Good.

[Wendy]

Mother in law's. Kind of a witch, huh?

[Caller Amanda]

No, I wouldn't say I would. She just was super involved. She's really caring and wanted to show her love by helping and it was just too much.

[Melissa]

Is that what she said to you? I just want to show you my

[Jeff]

love and you don't appreciate what I'm trying to say.

[Wendy]

What if we weren't at the bird show and your new husband wasn't sitting right next to you? We were girlfriends. And there's two empty bottles of wine on the table.

[Burt]

Is this second wedding, is it that your. Your mother in law is planning? Is this a little offensive to you?

[Caller Amanda]

No. I mean, it started off being, you know, just a little get together with friends. And all of a sudden there was a DJ and a second wedding cake and all these other things and I was like, oh, my gosh, what 100 something people?

[Jeff]

Is it because her guest list was really, really long and you had to cut them out?

[Caller Amanda]

Well, I mean, she's been at this church for 20 years, so she has to invite the entire church and her entire company because she's pretty high up. So there was a lot of people she had to invite.

[Burt]

I know you can't say it because you just got married and all, but I think we're feeling it.

[Wendy]

Did she expect you to wear your wedding dress?

[Caller Amanda]

I think she did, but I was. I nixed that one. I was like, no, not again.

[Burt]

Good for you.

[Caller Charlie]

It's good.

[Melissa]

Well, congratulations.

[Burt]

Yes. Go enjoy your honey.

[Jeff]

Where are you guys going?

[Caller Amanda]

Jamaica.

[Melissa]

Wow.

[Jeff]

Relax, have fun.

[Burt]

Have a great time.

[Caller Amanda]

Thank you. Don't think about mom.

[Burt]

Yeah. Until you get back.

[Melissa]

That's right. I'm sure when you have kids, it's not. She's gonna ease up.

[Burt]

Come on now. They just got married.

[Melissa]

Oh, sorry.

[Burt]

Number four. The bride freaks out over the groom's bachelor party is another big time red flag that the marriage isn't gonna make it, she says. I've seen some women wig out about the possibility of her guy having a boys night out at a strip club. One client of mine even threatened to leave her fiance if he had a bachelor party. My motto is, if you can't trust him, why the hell are you walking down the aisle?

[Jeff]

I agree with that one. I do too.

[Caller Amanda]

Oh, yeah.

[Jeff]

I mean, guys can have their one fun night until it's all over with. Don't be jealous for one night. Give them their night.

[Burt]

And the fifth one is the bride and groom fight in front of the wedding planner says no matter how in love two people may be, planning a ceremony and reception is overwhelming and will no doubt cause a few tiffs and. But warning bells immediately start ringing for me if the couple gets really heated with each other in my presence. Arguments are private and dragging me into them shows that there is a lack of respect for each other and for their bond. I could agree with that one.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

If you're gonna have a full on argument in front of a full on stranger. Yeah.

[Burt]

Good morning, Wendy. You're on Q100.

[Jeff]

Uncomfortable. Hi.

[Caller Amanda]

Love your show.

[Burt]

Thank you.

[Caller Amanda]

Yes, I just want to say I'm getting married next summer and I think that if the fiance. If my fiance's mom, she offered to pay for part of our wedding. So I'm letting her be involved in everything.

[Wendy]

And you feel like an obligation to because she got her checkbook out?

[Caller Amanda]

Well, no, not an obligation. I mean like he's an only child, so this is the only wedding she'll get to do and she and I have a really good relationship. So I mean, like I've invited her to my dress fittings and everything.

[Jeff]

How long ago did you get engaged?

[Caller Amanda]

We were engaged in April, but we've been dating for almost nine years.

[Jeff]

And then you're getting married next summer.

[Caller Amanda]

Yes.

[Jeff]

So we should talk to you next spring and see if you feel the same way about your soon to be mother in law. You still got a long way to go.

[Burt]

There's a fine line there. There's a real fine line. There's a whole bunch of calls coming in about the mom thing. That seems to be the hot button. Hey, Courtney, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller Amanda]

Good morning, guys.

[Burt]

Good morning. Thank you.

[Wendy]

Thank you.

[Caller Amanda]

Yeah, I just wanted to comment in regards to the groom's moms having any input. And I've been married for about three years that I would, I would say that they should have no input. The only thing they need to have input on is probably the rehearsal dinner

[Wendy]

because that's the traditional, traditional grooms signing a family party.

[Caller Amanda]

Right, right. Because the bride's mom or bride's parents are usually the ones that are paying for the reception and everything. But I would say that groom's mom should have no input at all.

[Burt]

Yeah, this is the one that seems to be bothering everybody. The groom lets his mom call the shots. Most of my brides involve their moms in the planning process. And why wouldn't they? It's like having a second planner for free. But sometimes grooms, mothers try to muscle in too, which is something I've never understood. Not only is it inappropriate, but it's up to her son to tell her that.

[Melissa]

Well, and I think, yeah, I think it's a red flag because the mother in law obviously doesn't know boundaries within the parameters of the wedding and the roles in the wedding as well as in the roles of their lives. So, I mean, I just. I. Because I'm still. We did. We kind of breezed over. But I still think that her planning a whole wedding when they get back. Sorry, if you're still listening, turn off the radio. But I mean, planning a whole wedding when they get back with cake and everything. Want her to wear the dress.

[Burt]

It's a little bit too much. It's not about them. It's all about mom, which could be problems in the future, but maybe not at least due to standing up. Yeah, at least Charlie's like, yeah, but

[Melissa]

it's just the stress of how do you deal with it.

[Burt]

So for the most part, it looks fairly accurate, right? Is that what you guys are saying?

[Melissa]

I think so.

[Jeff]

I definitely agree with the bachelor party one, because you just gotta be trustworthy and let it go and realize that whatever goes on is gonna go on whether you get jealous and upset about it or not. And I agree with what were the other ones. I agree with the arguing in front of the wedding planner. Because if you can do it in front of a complete stranger, there's no hope.

[Burt]

Bride spent half the budget on the

[Wendy]

dress or any, I think, any secretive purchases already.

[Melissa]

Yeah, agreed.

[Burt]

Bride refuses to let the groom choose the cake or get involved in the wedding. What's. You know, at any time. And the groom lets his mom call all the shots. You're on the Burch show.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

Okay, can we talk about how confusing weight loss has become? Like, one minute its carbs are bad, and then the next it's. No, actually, carbs are fine, but only if you walk ten, a thousand steps and drink a green juice. And honestly, it's just a lot. And then even if you do lose the weight, keeping it off is a whole different story. If you're struggling and want something that fits your real life, hers can help. It's designed to support you in reaching your goals in a way that actually fits your life. That's why weight loss by hers is getting so much attention right now. Hers connects you with licensed medical providers who create doctor developed treatment plans tailored to you. They offer access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill and the Wegovy pen. It helps regulate your appetite so you eat less and keep the weight off. If you're ready to reach your goals and want to try something new, visit fourhers.com Bert to get personalized affordable care that gets you. That's F O-R-H-E-R-S.com Bert for hers.com Bert weightlifts by hers is not available in all 50 states, but Govi is a registered trademark of Novo Nordisk. A s Get started and learn more, including important safety information with govy clinical study information and restrictions. Visit borhurst.com

[Melissa]

so I read this statistic the other day that I was so surprised by that I wanted to pass along to you to see if what scenario this would be in because the trivia was that 800 people within the next seven days are going to go to the hospital with injuries due to jewelry.

[Burt]

Jewelry, jewelry. 800 people a week and 800 people

[Melissa]

a week due to jewelry.

[Caller Charlie]

Jewelry.

[Melissa]

And I'm like, jewelry accidents.

[Wendy]

So that'd be like what? Like, I don't know. And missing the hole or earring being

[Melissa]

ripped out or maybe necklace or I

[Jeff]

don't know, punched by a ring. I know a lot of my friends that have children take off their wedding rings because they'll scratch their babies with their diamonds, like on accident, you know, where they're changing diapers or whatever. So they'll just take it off while they've got little ones.

[Burt]

404-741-Q100. You said there's a lot of people,

[Melissa]

emergency room, 800 people in a matter of a week go to the hospital because of injuries due to jewelry. And I think I laughed out loud when I read, like, really?

[Burt]

I mean, you guys wear obviously more jewelry than Jeff and I barely. So have you ever?

[Jeff]

You guys do accessorize very well.

[Wendy]

Do well, I did have that. You guys remember? You guys remember because Wendy, you had to drive me to Northside. Cause I couldn't see. Remember I bumped into Mark Lamuth in the hall.

[Jeff]

He's well accessorized.

[Wendy]

He's got 10 fingers and 12 rings on. And I bumped into guys also. I bumped right into him. Wendy, actually, my eyes were swollen shut. She put me in the trunk of her car.

[Burt]

How many earrings of jewelry do you have?

[Melissa]

I only have four. So two earrings, a bracelet and a necklace today.

[Burt]

How many do you have, Jen?

[Jeff]

I have on a ring and a pair of earrings and a necklace. I don't have any jewelry on right now. I have a rubber band.

[Burt]

I've got as many pieces on as the girls. I've got the beads.

[Melissa]

Of course you do.

[Burt]

I've got the Hayden band. I've got the watch and I've got my wedding ring.

[Wendy]

And your little Prince Albert thing.

[Burt]

Oh, that's not really a piece of jewelry. And you're the only one that knows about that.

[Jeff]

What is this really?

[Burt]

Don't ask.

[Jeff]

Oh, that's what that is.

[Melissa]

You know that you didn't ever know

[Burt]

that that's what it's called.

[Melissa]

How do I know that?

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

How do you know that?

[Jeff]

I didn't know that.

[Caller Charlie]

Really?

[Burt]

How did Wendy know that and you didn't?

[Jeff]

I've never heard that before in my life.

[Melissa]

How does Melissa know that?

[Jeff]

It's called a Prince Albert?

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

When you pierce your.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

What? How did you know when a guy.

[Jeff]

I did not know when a guy. Why is it called that, Jeff?

[Wendy]

Apparently the first guy who did it

[Jeff]

was his name Albert.

[Wendy]

Albert. And. And when he. When it happened to him, he turned the color of royal purple so they decided to call him Prince Albert.

[Burt]

In a case like that. I do think of the first person that. Because there had to be a first. Oh ye to try it.

[Caller Amanda]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Isn't there like a royal from Monica Isn't Prince then there are Prince Albert currently.

[Jeff]

Do women have a princess name for that?

[Melissa]

I don't know.

[Burt]

Alicia.

[Caller Amanda]

Sorry.

[Jeff]

I digress.

[Burt]

Alicia.

[Caller Amanda]

Wow.

[Jeff]

I am.

[Wendy]

I think. I think it's a princess Jasmine from Aladdin.

[Burt]

Why you make something so beautiful?

[Jeff]

You and you always go the pedophilia route.

[Burt]

Well, you wish. Will you Wikipedia that? I am curious now why it's called that.

[Wendy]

What exactly do I good type in?

[Burt]

Look, based on what's on your computer already. This is scary.

[Melissa]

There's pop ups all the time on that laptop piercing.

[Burt]

Go ahead, Ashley, you're on Q100.

[Caller Amanda]

Hey. I used to work at the front desk at a hospital and the most dory things that we saw were people coming in with infections from getting piercings and things like that. They would get infected and let it go too long.

[Melissa]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Burt]

All right, we'll check that one off. That one makes sense right there.

[Melissa]

Thank you.

[Burt]

Good morning. Jenny, you were on Q100. According to Melissa Carter, 800 people a week end up in the emergency room due to jewelry injuries.

[Melissa]

Hello.

[Burt]

That was such a good sound.

[Melissa]

I know.

[Wendy]

And now Jenny's gonna tell us what happened to her.

[Burt]

Jenny, you are a very good radio personality right now.

[Caller Amanda]

Hi. My uncle actually works with cement trucks that pops cement into places. And he was up on the ladder and actually the ladder slid and his ring got caught up on something up there and it actually ripped his fingers.

[Jeff]

Off. That'll send you to the emergency room. Good, thanks.

[Burt]

Okay, that's one.

[Jeff]

That's pretty solid.

[Burt]

That one's. That's pretty solid. That's legit.

[Jeff]

I think I'd go to the emergency room.

[Burt]

Hey, Kathy. Good morning.

[Caller Amanda]

Hi. Good morning. Burt Show.

[Burt]

Good morning.

[Caller Amanda]

Hi. My son is actually a ring fanatic. And he kept buying these rings without my knowing it. And we actually ended up in the ER twice. He had to have rings on off, like one from the toy machines. And then he had an actual ring that we had to go to the ER and they had to cut through. It was like titanium. So his finger had swollen up around it. So we actually had to get that.

[Melissa]

So he says too small. And he couldn't get it off.

[Caller Amanda]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

How old is he?

[Caller Amanda]

He's 11.

[Burt]

You know, I think it's really interesting that most of the calls that are coming in are for dudes that jacked up their jewelry and not women. Because we don't know what we're doing.

[Melissa]

You don't have as much practice with it.

[Wendy]

You know what makes me cringe besides Prince Albert? It's a Chris Farley movie where Chris Farley rips out a guy's nippling.

[Caller Amanda]

Hey, hey.

[Jeff]

Little easy.

[Glenn Beck]

Ouch.

[Burt]

Good morning, Courtney. You're on Q100.

[Caller Amanda]

Hey. I love the Burt show. I love you guys.

[Burt]

Thank you.

[Caller Amanda]

When I was 12, I had braces and me and my sister were playing around and I bit her finger. She had a heart shaped ring on and it got stuck in my braces and she pulled and it pulled my brackets off of my two front teeth and the wire like halfway out of my mouth. I had to go to the hospital. Worst pain I've ever had in my life. They gave me more pain. Nothing else to be a fun topic.

[Burt]

I think it would be this painful.

[Wendy]

I gotta tell you, I never thought the phrase pulled my brackets off would make me Kegel. Like I actually. Every. Every muscle in my body tension tensed up. He pulled my brackets off.

[Glenn Beck]

Oh, my God.

[Burt]

Hey, Angela.

[Jeff]

I'm sweating.

[Burt]

Good morning.

[Caller Amanda]

Good morning, Burcho.

[Jeff]

Good morning.

[Caller Amanda]

I. I feel I know Bert a little bit better this morning after the whole Prince Albert thing.

[Burt]

I don't have one. He was joking.

[Jeff]

Rumor to start.

[Burt]

Believe you me. I do not want any more attention in that area than need be.

[Jeff]

We're going to get Stacy to start

[Burt]

telling people that you had one, but

[Wendy]

you took it out, you decided that you hit a certain age and you're just.

[Burt]

Don't listen to him.

[Wendy]

A little chain going from his belly button rang right down to it.

[Burt]

What's going on there?

[Melissa]

Come on, come on.

[Burt]

It's jacked up.

[Melissa]

Not eventually I want it.

[Burt]

Even people will believe that. You know how many emails I will get today?

[Wendy]

The people in his water aerobics class really were uncomfortable with it.

[Burt]

What's going on, Angela?

[Caller Amanda]

Well, my emergency room story. When I was little, about seven or eight years old, I was always afraid my earrings were going to fall out, that they were too loose. So I would put the backs on really tight and one of my backs wedged its way into the back of my ear.

[Jeff]

That won't feel good.

[Caller Amanda]

Damn, it sounds worse than it is. But yeah, that's what happened.

[Jeff]

Yee.

[Burt]

Here's one. This one's just for Jeff. Good morning, Gavin. You're on Q100.

[Caller Charlie]

Hey, how's it going?

[Burt]

Okay, man.

[Caller Charlie]

Hey. Yeah, my friend, we're playing rugby from Australia originally and his nipple ring got ripped out. He used to tape them down, but it didn't help too much.

[Burt]

Can we be done?

[Melissa]

Yeah, I think I'm pretty solid with this one.

[Burt]

We all satiated, we all gave it up.

[Wendy]

Nobody just saw me rub my nipples, did they?

[Melissa]

Anything I could do to make your butt pucker, Melissa?

[Jeff]

You're a real champ.

[Burt]

Listen, it's the Bird show. Twice now over the last three weeks I have seen either TV shows or movies where this scenario happens where a woman hooks up with a dude that she normally wouldn't hook up with or is hooking up with them for the very first time. And he's crashed out in bed next to her and she wakes up early and before he gets up while he's still crashed out and sleep, she lifts the sheet up on the bed and then looks down at him to see how well he's built. While he's sleep.

[Wendy]

While he's sleeping.

[Burt]

Yeah, I guess she's gauging the size of his while he's sleeping. I saw it the other night in True Blood and I saw it again in the movie. I think it was the hangover a couple of weeks ago also. And I'm just really curious if women do that.

[Jeff]

Actually check while you're sleeping, while the dude is sleeping. You already know if the dude is sleeping naked next to you.

[Burt]

That's what didn't make any sense to me.

[Melissa]

Also, I was wondering if you're next

[Jeff]

to you, then you're already have checked that out. You've at least done a drive by.

[Wendy]

Not if you're drunk before the night before.

[Jeff]

But why would he end up naked?

[Burt]

Though. Well, they've done it.

[Wendy]

That's what I'm saying.

[Burt]

I mean, they've done it. But now my assumption is the next morning she's checking to see what it looks like in a more natural state than in its playing.

[Jeff]

Or maybe she was. Or maybe she's unsure of what happened the night before. Like all the details are foggy. Like I can't really remember what happened. And then looks.

[Burt]

404,741. Q100. It didn't make a whole bunch of sense to me, but like I said, I've seen it twice in the last couple of weeks and I'm just curious if that's a real life thing or that doesn't happen at all.

[Melissa]

I mean, I don't know. I mean, I don't want to ask, but I figure if you're, if you've already slept together when you kind of

[Wendy]

get it, what I'm saying. But the night I try to figure out the scenario, the night before, they do it drunk. You do it.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

Hammered. Don't have a full recollection of every detail of the evening. You remember the big things literally and figuratively, you know what I'm saying? But you might not recommend or might not remember or recollect something like that. So you take a peek and go. Or I think, well, in that scenario,

[Melissa]

and to interrupt, I'm sorry, but I would say yes, because if you're going to tell the story to your girlfriend, you got to be able to tell the whole story. So I would assume women would look to be able to say, oh, yeah, okay, that's what, that's what I had.

[Wendy]

And is it checking to see if he's naked to see what happened?

[Burt]

Because maybe she wasn't sure. In both of these scenarios that I saw in the movies, they both were very well aware of what happened the night before. But I think the assumption was they were just checking to see what it looks like in more of its natural

[Jeff]

state or in the light instead of the darkness.

[Burt]

But they were still underneath. It was still underneath the sheet. I mean, they didn't go all the way with it. Just a little Pixie peaksy, just to see what it was all about.

[Jeff]

Hell no.

[Melissa]

You think they'd know?

[Burt]

Caroline. Good morning. Q100.

[Caller Amanda]

Morning. Morning. Yeah, I have to say I've lifted the sheet before. Yeah, just, you know, like you said, let's see what was going on down there. And little, maybe a little trophy just to, just to take a peek after the whole event. And like you say, there was probably some alcohol involved. So, you know, while they're sleeping and quiet, just, just a little Piki Pig.

[Burt]

So really what you're doing is you're seeing it more and it's, it's. You just want to make sure that it matched up to the. What happened the night before.

[Caller Amanda]

Or not. Yeah, exactly.

[Melissa]

Or not.

[Jeff]

Sheer disappointment if you did it the night before. And then you look and you're like, oh, that sucks.

[Burt]

That's why I remember like if the night before you had a really great time, right. And you couldn't quite gauge from that, that would it matter the next morning what it looks like in its natural state, Even if you had a great time the night before?

[Jeff]

Well, you don't remember your great time. I mean, you're just having a good time in the moment. But then you look the next morning, morning and you're like, whoa, that really sucks. I can't tell you because you can't tell your girlfriends about that. That's like not a bragging right. You can't.

[Burt]

What do you mean? So if you get so drunk that you don't remember having that one night stand, then there's no bragging rights to that whatsoever. So you at least need to.

[Melissa]

He's not welling down, so you just, you erase that.

[Wendy]

So you don't tell your girl, you don't tell your girlfriends about guys who aren't good. You have a one night stand with a guy and he's not good. You don't tell your girlfriends about it.

[Jeff]

No, you really don't. I keep it, I keep it secret.

[Melissa]

I think that women because, because the women's numbers very important. So if it wasn't worth putting that slash mark on your, you know, wall, then you just, you know, whatever, it didn't work.

[Burt]

You don't tell your friends at all. Katie, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller Amanda]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Good morning.

[Caller Amanda]

How are you guys?

[Melissa]

Good.

[Burt]

Honestly. Did you take, did you take a peek?

[Melissa]

You're a sheet lifter.

[Caller Amanda]

Yeah, I just want, like, I just figured like if you don't remember, you want to remember what it looked like, you know, after, just to see, you know, how big it was.

[Burt]

But you just had this great experience the night before. Why do you need the visual?

[Melissa]

Well, she said she doesn't want to

[Caller Amanda]

look

[Burt]

and he's crashed out and he never notices that you take a look or not.

[Caller Amanda]

No, I mean, you don't do it all the time. Just think like the ones that are worth checking out.

[Burt]

Okay, thank you. And Jennifer, good morning.

[Caller Amanda]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Good Morning. Sometimes the show is quite an education for guys. It really is. Like, I had no idea when you're watching a TV show or movies, you don't know what's real and what's not. But I've seen this enough to go, I gotta ask this question. So did it happen to you too?

[Caller Amanda]

Actually it did. I went out with a bunch of girlfriends and we decided that this one guy happened to be quite well endowed and one of us was going to take him home. Well, I ended up taking him home and I was drunk and don't remember. And the next morning both my girlfriends called me and they were like, you have to look and you have to use a ruler.

[Burt]

Why?

[Caller Amanda]

She's a ruler. Because they wanted me to measure. So needless to say, I got out the ruler.

[Melissa]

You have a ruler?

[Caller Amanda]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

You just carry one around in your purse?

[Burt]

Like a tape measure, I'm assuming, right?

[Caller Amanda]

Like a tape measure? Yeah, like a tape measure. And no, actually I don't because again, needless to say, I was at my house so it was easy to grab one. But yeah, yeah, we used tape measure and they laughed about it for days on end.

[Burt]

So he's sleeping and has no idea that you've got a tape measure on him.

[Caller Amanda]

Has no clue. And what's wrong? Really funny is was my boyfriend for almost five and a half years.

[Melissa]

Oh, that's funny.

[Burt]

Really?

[Melissa]

Oh well, then it must have measured up, right?

[Burt]

I guess, yeah.

[Caller Amanda]

Oh no, perfect, perfect. But he still to this day has no idea that two of my girlfriends know exactly how well a dowd he is.

[Wendy]

That's why I only hook up in Europe because they use the metric system and it just sounds more impressive.

[Burt]

Numbers are larger.

[Wendy]

If I'm having a one night stand, I'm doing it like in Germany every

[Melissa]

time I see a woman with a tape, you know, like if you see tape measures, like have you, have you measured a penis with that? And how many women would say yes?

[Wendy]

Probably all of them.

[Burt]

Well, I don't know how you could break one of those out while a dude is sleeping. Because generally they're made of that steel material and as soon as you met you take it out of the container.

[Jeff]

Some of them are like.

[Melissa]

Some of them are like.

[Burt]

Are you talking about the ones that you would measure like an inseam with that are soft? Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking like a construction one. It's all steel.

[Wendy]

Like ryers old school ones unfolds.

[Burt]

This is the bird show.

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[Burt]

I want to play a couple of things for you late Birch show listeners. We played this yesterday. I don't know if you heard this last week, but Glenn Beck, conserv conservative talker, just flipped out on one of his callers last week. I mean he had a breakdown.

[Jeff]

I don't ever listen to him. But Jeff, you said he's normally combative but he goes over the top on this one.

[Wendy]

Well, you'll hear in this he gets a little. And Bert said it perfectly because he gets, you hear him get high pitched. So he's definitely passionate during his debates and passionate with his callers. And I think what probably happened is this high pitched sentence came out. I mean he's entertaining to watch. It's like Michael Savage. He's a lunatic, you know, so what makes him fun to, to, to watch. But his friends are going to give him a lot of grief for this one line in here.

[Burt]

It's a, it's about a minute and 20 second clip and the good stuff happens in the last 30 seconds. But then we will play the follow up because somebody made his freak out his breakdown into a remix that's about a minute long which is really funny to listen to. But this is last week on his show and. And he has one of his listeners call up that wants to talk about universal health care.

[Caller Amanda]

How about France and Italy where you just go in and sign a paper?

[Glenn Beck]

You're right.

[Caller Amanda]

The doctors don't have to fight with the insurance companies.

[Glenn Beck]

Tell me, Kathy, about the insurance program that they do have in France. Tell me about it.

[Caller Amanda]

There are people that go over there and they are on vacation. If they have a problem, all they have to do is walk into the clinics or the hospitals and sign their name. The doctors do not have to be bothered. Signs signing insurance for.

[Glenn Beck]

So in other words, in other words, a person. Hang on. I want to make sure I understand. So a non citizen can go over to a hospital and walk in and get emergency treatment. That never happens here.

[Burt]

Okay, the crazy plane now is starting to taxi.

[Glenn Beck]

Giving you a logical answer.

[Caller Amanda]

You don't have logic.

[Wendy]

Oh, boy, you're right.

[Caller Amanda]

Where's your logic? What would you do?

[Glenn Beck]

I'm

[Caller Amanda]

going to change this health care system for the better. After all, every time you people bring up costs, you don't care about the trillions of dollars to bail out the banks and all the. The credit card companies.

[Glenn Beck]

Kathy. Get off my phone.

[Burt]

Oh, boy.

[Glenn Beck]

Get off my phone, you little pinhead.

[Burt]

Pinhead.

[Glenn Beck]

I don't care. You people don't care about the trillions. Get off my face. I'm gonna lose my mind today.

[Jeff]

Already done.

[Melissa]

Wow.

[Burt]

All right, that was fun, part one. But it gets way better than this.

[Glenn Beck]

Get off my phone. Get off my phone, you little pinhead. Get off my phone. I don't care. You people don't care about the trillions. Get off my phone. Get off my phone. Get off my phone, you little pinhead. Get off my phone. Get off my phone. Get off my phone, you little pinhead. Get off my phone. Get off my phone. Get off my phone, you little. Finish.

[Jeff]

He needs to be the villain on

[Glenn Beck]

a Disney movie phone, you little pinhead.

[Jeff]

Doesn't he sound like the villain?

[Burt]

He didn't know he was trying out auditioning.

[Jeff]

He was.

[Glenn Beck]

I lose my mind today. I don't care. You people don't care about the trillions. Get off my phone. Get off. Get off my phone, you little pinhead. I'm gonna lose my mind today. I'm gonna lose my mind today. Get off my phone.

[Burt]

Nuke has gotta use that oh, yes club.

[Caller Amanda]

Get some gloves.

[Burt]

All right, so that was from yesterday and this was from this morning on the Today show where you're not gonna believe this is real and this is not. The only case where this has happened. But a woman, I guess, based on the recession, decided that she would try to perform her own plastic surgery.

[Glenn Beck]

Oh, my.

[Burt]

It's not on an ankle, it's not on a bicep, not on a forearm. She decided to do plastic surgery on herself, on her face, and injected stuff in her lips also.

[Melissa]

God, I never heard of that. Never even thought that somebody would think of that.

[Burt]

And it didn't go well. Didn't go real well at all. But I mean, you'll hear towards the end of this piece, it's only about a minute long. She's not the only one, not by a long shot. One woman put like a half a pound of. What was it? Cooking oil? That's so stinner on butter.

[Jeff]

She was like butter margarine parquet. I don't know. Let's just inject it, dumbass.

[Reporter]

It all started with a tiny facial scar she wanted to get rid of, but she couldn't afford a plastic surgeon. So she literally took matters into her own hands, or in this case, a needle and silicone. And she decided while she was at it, she might as well plump up her lips, too.

[Plastic Surgery Patient]

One word that sums it up is a nightmare. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. I can't believe that I did what I did. I actually hated.

[Burt]

I told these guys earlier this morning, too. Another sidebar. Funny part of this whole thing is that they had the Today show alter her voice so it's higher, but they don't do anything to her face on tv. I mean, it's in its natural state, so she must have seen. Yeah, I'll agree to it, but you have to alter my voice so people don't know who I am.

[Melissa]

What star, huh?

[Jeff]

Maybe she figures her face is so messed up, nobody recognizes her.

[Plastic Surgery Patient]

I felt pretty proud of myself. I thought, you know, this was a cheap way to go. It looks good. This one particular website had it for $10 for a bottle. By the following day, it was just completely inflamed. My whole face, it just looked like horrible blisters.

[Reporter]

With all due respect, what were you thinking?

[Wendy]

What the hell's wrong with you?

[Plastic Surgery Patient]

At the time, I really thought that it would be okay. I thought that most of it would just come out of the face and the lips and that very little of it would actually stay in there.

[Reporter]

Williams says the current economy is driving people to inexpensive but dangerous do it yourself procedures. One of the most shocking is this Korean plastic surgery addict who was once a beautiful singer and model. She injected herself with cooking oil. The results were disastrous. Doctors removed a half pound of oil from her face and neck.

[Jeff]

Oh.

[Melissa]

Oh my God. Gross.

[Burt]

I mean, that's a five minute piece that we have edited down to a minute and the whole version is up on my Facebook page. Or I think we'll get to [e-mail] but the Korean woman that they're talking about there, she looks completely different. I mean, she was a good looking singer and she injected half a pound of cooking oil into her face. She doesn't even look human anymore.

[Jeff]

There's just some things you don't need to get discounted. And I'm sorry, but plastic surgery or anything like that, you just, you gotta go.

[Wendy]

Yeah, if you're gonna get cosmetic, if

[Jeff]

you're going there, go there.

[Wendy]

Any sort of surgery.

[Jeff]

Deep discount.

[Caller Amanda]

Right.

[Wendy]

Cosmetic. If you need a tooth pulled.

[Caller Charlie]

Right.

[Melissa]

There was a commercial a long time ago and I forgot what it was for, but it was a guy that was sitting at his kitchen table and he had a knife in his hand to his chest and he was calling his surgeon, asking how to do it. And it was a joke because he couldn't afford, you know, talking about not being able, I guess, afford health care or something. But you know, this woman, these women actually did that.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Glenn Beck]

Stupid.

[Jeff]

Crazy.

[Burt]

This is the bird show.