Full Show PT 3: Monday, August 3 [Vault]

Summary

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The Bert Show: Full Show PT 3 – Monday, August 3 [Vault]

Date: August 3, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Ashley, Chris, Danny, Jen, Brandon (Intern)
Special Guest Callers: Dawn (Listener)

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Episode Overview

This lively episode of The Bert Show features the crew in their signature authentic, humorous style, dissecting relationship red flags, teasing each other's quirks, and handling critiques from their loyal listeners. Key topics include spotting signs that a partner might be bad in bed (before it happens), intern Brandon’s romantic prospects, confessions about hoarding habits, and a contentious conversation with a critical caller. As always, the tone is candid, playful, and self-deprecating, making for a relatable and entertaining morning ride.

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1. Signs He’s Going to Be Bad in Bed—Before You Even Get There

(Starts at 00:31)

Key Discussion Points:

• Trying to “Keep Numbers Low”: Jen explains the social pressure women feel to limit their number of sexual partners (“You don’t want to go all the way there and deal with...adding a name to the list, you know, because we’ve all got the list.” – Jen, 00:59).
• Warning Signs List:
  • Poor Dance Skills: The theory that bad dancers are bad in bed is debated. Ashley is all for the rhythm connection; Jen contests it’s not always true (“Then you would never date a white guy. Really?” – Jen, 01:56).
  • Kissing Quality: Universally acknowledged; a bad kisser will rarely improve (“If he’s a bad kisser, it’s not going to get better.” – Jen, 02:56).
  • Bragging About Bedroom Skills: A major red flag; real prowess doesn’t require boasting (“If he talks about how good he is in bed...” – Caller Dawn, 03:36).
  • Not Carrying Condoms: Seen as a lack of practice and potentially signaling bad performance (“If he doesn’t have a condom on him, that probably means he’s not getting a lot of...” – Chris, 05:43).
  • Frequent Interruption: Not letting you finish a sentence hints at likely selfishness (“A guy who interrupts doesn’t let you finish a complete sentence...” – Chris, 06:42).
  • Obsessed with Mom: Too much mom talk is a turn-off (“If he talks about his mom a lot...” – Chris, 06:50).
  • Bad Smells: Unanimous deal-breaker (“If he smells…if the dude smells in any way, shape or form, he’s gonna be bad in bed.” – Chris, 07:23).
  • Denies “Taking Care of Himself”: “If he says he never takes care of himself...both indicate a bizarre sexual issue.” – Chris, 07:56

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• "I'm the most mediocre lover you will ever love." – Burt, 04:43, lampooning the idea of setting low expectations.
• Group riff on exaggerated mediocrity and “trout mouth” kissing (05:02).

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2. Intern Brandon’s Love Life Gets the Spotlight

(08:43)

Key Discussion Points:

• Searching for an Old Flame: Brandon had tried to reconnect with a girl from summer camp, but she was already engaged (“She thought it was weird that he was looking for her...” – Jen, 09:21).
• Listener Andrea Shoots Her Shot: Andrea, a Georgia Highlands College student, finds herself attracted to Brandon after hearing him on the show and requests a chance for conversation—relating to him on shared experiences as a Black person in predominantly white circles (“Brandon, my heart is yours.” – Burt reading Andrea’s email, 11:42).
• Planning the First Date: Brandon tries to coordinate with Andrea but scheduling issues persist. The team urges him to be more decisive and proactive.
  • Brandon’s Ideal Date: Go-karting—fun, allows people to let loose, not as passive as dinner or a movie (“I’d probably say something like go karting. It’s fun. It allows people to let loose...” – Brandon, 13:16).
  • The team debates the merits of creative activities vs. traditional dinner dates.
  • Burt’s Advice: “Why don’t you figure out the game and say, hey, I can get tickets to this day, this game, this time. Can you go?” – Burt, 16:45.
  • Jen prods Brandon to “man up” and set a concrete plan (17:16).
  • Brandon admits, “Maybe not my problem isn’t like what to do once you get there, it’s how to get there. I know I’m confident of what to do in a relationship. It’s just getting to that point.” – Brandon, 19:17.

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3. Are You Becoming a Hoarder? Confessions & Collections

(19:44)

Key Discussion Points:

• Ashley’s Hoarder Woes: Items she can’t part with include empty perfume bottles, magazine collections, and random trinkets. No strong sentimental value, but “maybe I’ll use them one day” thinking persists.
• Others’ Collections:
  • Burt: Boxes from tech gadgets—just in case he needs to move.
  • Jen: Sentimental ephemera—event stubs, bulletins, but acknowledges the absurdity in preserving items with no future use.
  • Danny: Ticket stubs, every event since high school. Rues modern, plain tickets.
• Emotional Attachment: The group discusses the fine line between hoarding and reasonable keepsaking.
• Deleting Photos Dilemma: Burt rationalizes his inability to delete photos: “someday I may have a photograph, and in the background...my picture will crack the case...” – Burt, 26:43.

Notable Moment:

• Danny’s Complex Neighbor: Tales of a neighbor so afflicted that only her storm door would close due to the clutter (22:20).

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4. Handling Listener Critique: Caller Dawn’s Air Time Grievance

(28:11)

Dialogue Summary:

• Caller Dawn: Long-time listener, frustrated by what she feels are frivolous topics occupying too much time, especially parents calling in for grown children.
• Hosts’ Pushback: Chris and Burt explain the show is meant as an escape from the world’s heaviness ("...we sort of look like as this period right here is your break away from that." – Chris, 30:21).
• Dawn’s Suggestions?: She can’t offer alternatives beyond “not that,” frustrating the cast.
• Ashley and Jen: Chime in defending the show’s balance of humor and real-life.
• The Room Gets Feisty: Danny, notably annoyed, calls out Dawn’s negativity ("I have to say, pet peeve of this job is people... I don’t understand why she’s so critical and complaining..." – Danny, 32:24).
• Brutal Retorts: Burt later jokes about Dawn’s locksmith career and encourages “the happy locksmith” image, before the team invites the audience to enjoy silence if unhappy with content (34:13).
• Listener Ashley calls in: Suggests they move on from the negativity ("she’s putting everybody in a bad mood, and she won’t let you guys talk." – Caller Ashley, 35:25).

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5. Favorite Quotes & Funny Moments

• “If you don’t remember the name, then it doesn’t count.” – Jen, 01:23
• “Did you save those 3D glasses from Avatar? You might need them right now.” – Danny, 05:30
• “Left foot, right foot, third leg, condom.” – Burt, 06:14
• “I have major swag through text messaging. That’s not my problem.” – Brandon, 16:53
• “I’m the happiest when the locksmith gets there.” – Jen, 35:05

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Time | |----------------------------------------------------------|-----------| | Signs He’s Bad in Bed | 00:31–08:38 | | Intern Brandon’s Love Life & Listener Connection | 08:42–19:43 | | Hoarding, Collecting, and Decluttering Confessions | 19:44–27:54 | | Listener Dawn’s Call and Content Critique | 28:11–36:25 |

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Conclusion

This episode is classic Bert Show: irreverent, supportive, and not afraid to poke fun at themselves and each other. Whether divulging personal quirks, critiquing modern romance, or handling listener gripes, the show always keeps it real—and keeps listeners laughing.

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Transcript

[Ashley]

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[Burt]

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[Chris]

a Sleep number store or sleepnumber.com

[Burt]

the bird show.

[Chris]

All right, so it's signs that he's gonna be bad in bed before you even get him in bed. This may be the most important list.

[Danny]

Yeah.

[Jen]

That we do today or in recent history. Because you don't need to increase your numbers. Right. I mean, ladies don't want to. You gotta keep the numbers low.

[Chris]

Do explain so you. Because you've explained before that there is a kind of a skank number, a mythical skank number in every woman's mind.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Everybody's trying to keep it underneath that.

[Jen]

Everybody's different. You just want to. You want to keep the numbers down. You don't want to go all the way there and deal with all of the things or adding a name to the list, you know, because we've all got the list and we all know who's exactly on that list.

[Chris]

Right.

[Jen]

But if these warning signs happen beforehand, then you're saving yourself a number.

[Danny]

Don't waste your time.

[Chris]

Don't you conveniently like, if it's that bad, though, don't you conveniently forget to add it anyway. You're like, it was so bad. I'm not even gonna add that one to my list.

[Jen]

Yeah, well, only if you don't remember the name, then it doesn't count.

[Chris]

Is that your rule?

[Burt]

Just kidding.

[Brandon]

No name.

[Ashley]

That means it wasn't memorable.

[Brandon]

No number.

[Jen]

I'm just kidding.

[Brandon]

Kind of.

[Chris]

Here's how you can save yourself a ton of time. And maybe you guys could call up also maybe even before I do this list. Signs that you know he's going to be bad in bed before you get him in bed. 404,741Q100. The first one is the most obvious, and that's the one if you can't dance.

[Danny]

Oh, yeah, you hear that all the time.

[Ashley]

I always look for that. If you don't have any kind of, like, rhythm, if you can't just go 1, 2 to a beat, then you're not good.

[Jen]

I don't agree with that. Because then you would never date a white Guy. Really?

[Chris]

Not all white guys.

[Burt]

That explains why Wendy looks at me like she does when I'm doing Pumps

[Ashley]

Can't Dance, Turn On.

[Jen]

So I don't think that that's necessary.

[Ashley]

There's white guys that can dance.

[Jen]

It's a select few.

[Chris]

Justin Timberlake, probably great in bed.

[Ashley]

He's probably fantastic.

[Jen]

Probably boring.

[Chris]

He can dance all right.

[Jen]

Yeah, but see, I would think that Justin Timberlake would be all about himself if the doors were closed just because

[Chris]

he's such a big star.

[Jen]

Well, yeah, he'd be like, I don't have to impress you. I'm Justin Timberlake. I'm just gonna lay there.

[Chris]

You sound like you've actually slept with Justin.

[Jen]

I know. That's how I would think he would be.

[Chris]

He's a crappy kisser.

[Jen]

Yes.

[Chris]

If he's a bad kisser in your book, too much tongue, not enough tongue, excessively bitey, or just not in sync with you, then blah, blah, blah, blah, sex is probably gonna fall flat.

[Ashley]

Also, you don't even get to sex if he's a bad kisser. You just don't see him anymore.

[Jen]

Yeah, but, ladies. Yeah, if he's a bad kisser, it's not going to get better.

[Chris]

So that's the first gateway right there.

[Ashley]

Improve.

[Burt]

That's why when I kiss, I just open my mouth as wide as possible, let her do whatever she wants. Because then it's like, how very trout.

[Danny]

Like,

[Chris]

you put women in there like a wad of chew before, haven't you?

[Burt]

If they want to climb in. But that way, you know, you can't be bad because you're just, you know, you're giving it to them whatever they want.

[Ashley]

That's sexy. Sexy.

[Danny]

He just gave us a demonstration. That's nice.

[Burt]

Good morning.

[Chris]

Stay back, Danny, you're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller Dawn]

Hi.

[Chris]

Hi.

[Caller Dawn]

He's bad in bed. If he talks about how good he is in bed.

[Chris]

Yes, I've heard that one before. If he's constantly. Jen. We've worked with each other long enough to. Where I can tell where Jen has real life experience about something that comes on the air because of the face she makes.

[Danny]

I mean, she.

[Burt]

Yeah, well, we're talking about sex, so. She's been making that face this entire break.

[Chris]

Like, I'm not going to ask her who, but immediately somebody came to mind for her.

[Danny]

Yeah, all of us have started looking at Jen just because she does have a reaction to every single one of these.

[Chris]

So if he talks about how great he is, generally not so great.

[Danny]

But I think that's what now Jen's not going to say anything? I think that's with anything, though. If somebody brags about being a great, you know, ball player and usually get them out on the field and they're, you know, it's like they have something to prove.

[Jen]

Exactly. Somebody who talks about how much money they have, they don't have money because people who's got money isn't talking about it, not bragging.

[Chris]

Well, I would think when it comes to talking about it, too, there's that fine line, like you want to. I would like to set the expectation low, but not so low that you're totally turned off to sleep with me, but low enough that if I'm average, you think I'm great.

[Jen]

Okay. I like your theory on that. Yeah.

[Chris]

Setting the bar low, it's all psychological.

[Jen]

Okay?

[Chris]

Average equals great.

[Burt]

I'm the most mediocre lover you will ever love.

[Ashley]

Save that.

[Burt]

Save it, save it. Because apparently that gets the women off. Or hot. I ain't great. I'm just really kind of a little bit good.

[Danny]

And then he opens his mouth and

[Chris]

then the trout dance.

[Danny]

And then there's the trout mouth right

[Burt]

before I unzip my fly. Are you ready for slightly below average ladies?

[Danny]

I knew you were.

[Burt]

This ain't gonna be big. It's actually a little on the smaller side.

[Chris]

Save all of that. All of it.

[Danny]

Get a load of this.

[Burt]

If you got contacts, you may want to put them in. So how's that working? You guys have had it turned on?

[Chris]

Totally turned me on.

[Danny]

Did you say. Did you save those 3D glasses from Avatar? You might need them right now.

[Burt]

How did you know it was glue?

[Chris]

If he isn't carry. If he is not carrying condoms, he might be bad in bed. If he doesn't have a condom on him, that probably means he's not getting a lot of. Which could mean he's out of practice or he's off his game. So if he's not carrying condoms, he may be bad in bed or.

[Burt]

And this is. I don't do this now, but in college I used to wear one all the time.

[Chris]

You wear one right now?

[Burt]

Yeah. No, back in college.

[Chris]

Sure.

[Caller Dawn]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Because you never know when the moment's gonna strike. So I would just put that thing on in the morning like it was socks.

[Caller Dawn]

Which, by the way, I don't wanna think about these things.

[Burt]

Left foot, right foot, third leg, condom. The tricky part, though, is at the end of the day, rolling it back up and putting it in a little sleeve so it doesn't dry out. That Is nasty.

[Jen]

And then your roommate uses it because you're broken.

[Burt]

Dude, why did you use that when it was open? I've worn it.

[Chris]

He always interrupts you. A guy who interrupts doesn't let you finish a complete sentence or doesn't seem to be listening to you at all.

[Burt]

Yeah, that seems like a good indication.

[Chris]

Jeff, you're hitting on 5 of 10. They say he's not good in bed if he talks about his mom a lot. There's a fine line between a man who loves and respects his mom and one who reveres her so much that he never shuts up about her. If he has a framed photo on his bedside table of her, he's probably not gonna be good in bed.

[Jen]

Who does that?

[Ashley]

I don't think any guy has a framed photo of their mama.

[Chris]

Next guys that are really

[Jen]

on their nightstand.

[Ashley]

I don't think so.

[Jen]

I've never even heard of that.

[Chris]

This one's obvious. If he smells, says, doesn't matter if it's breath or body odor or funky smelling. If the dude smells in any way, shape or form, he's gonna be bad in bed. Cheesy cheesy, cheesy peen.

[Burt]

I can't believe you said that in unison. We've been waiting to see him for five days. We've actually gotten out the air and burns called me in the office and said, dude, I should have called you a cheesy peen at 6:45.

[Chris]

I had the perfect opportunity. I totally forgot.

[Burt]

I couldn't think of the second word.

[Chris]

And the last one is he's gonna be bad in bed if he says he never takes care of himself. Says it's irrelevant if he's lying or telling the truth, but both indicate a bizarre sexual issue that will take toll on your pleasure. So if he can't confess that he takes care of himself, then bye bye.

[Jen]

Yeah, that would be weird because, I mean, what guy doesn't. Doesn't.

[Danny]

Yeah, I mean, I would. That's the same with women to me.

[Jen]

If.

[Danny]

If you have an issue with that, then I think you're not going to be as good either.

[Chris]

All right, so what we learned here again, Jeff, is you keep it. Keep the bar set very low.

[Burt]

Keep it mediocre guys.

[Chris]

And wear a condom 247 trout mouth.

[Jen]

And stop talking about your mom.

[Burt]

The Birch show.

[Chris]

Hey, the Birch show.

[Burt]

So our intern Brandon has been on the air with us over the past couple days. Past couple weeks. Talking about his love life, either voluntarily or because.

[Jen]

Because we force him to.

[Burt]

Because we force him to and the last time we had him on, he was talking about a girl that he knew when he was. The girl was 11. So I'm guessing you were 11 or 12. Yeah, same age and Brennan's Mike. And so we were trying to track that girl down because he knew her at summer camp here in Atlanta. We found her pretty quickly, and unfortunately, she is engaged to be married.

[Jen]

And she thought it was weird that he was looking for her on the radar.

[Burt]

Thought it was a little bit creeper. But you know what? She doesn't believe in love just because she's engaged.

[Danny]

See, that should be flattering, I think. You know, if somebody remembers you from 11. Wow.

[Brandon]

I've been called worse.

[Danny]

So it's okay by some of us in the room.

[Jen]

Were you disappointed by that, or were you like, oh, now I at least know the answer.

[Burt]

I mean, congratulations to her.

[Brandon]

She's engaged. But, you know, I'm glad for her.

[Danny]

Brandon is on here trying to be cool. Yeah, you know, I'm glad for her.

[Jen]

Did you cry? Did you go home and cry?

[Brandon]

A little bit. You know, I got a little choked.

[Burt]

He's like, it's a bummer she's engaged to the wrong guy, but I'm cool.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Brandon]

You know. You know, at the end of the day, when she's not happy, she'll know why she missed a chance.

[Burt]

So we talked about that with Brandon, and we got an email from a bird show listener who had heard Brandon on the air and heard some of the stuff we were talking about, teasing him about his love life. And we make fun of Brandon because he's got a love of sports so significant that it even overtakes borders on obsession. Yeah. And he said the sentence that he would rather watch a baseball game, any baseball game, than have sex with a girl.

[Ashley]

Not like the World Series, not the super bowl or anything like that.

[Danny]

He might miss a great play in the baseball game where he's not gonna miss a great play with a girl.

[Burt]

And so we talked about that on the air. We talked about the love lost and found that didn't work out. And one Bird show listener heard that and said, this is my man. That is the man for me.

[Danny]

This is my man.

[Burt]

Her name was Andrea, and she wrote, my name is Andrea. I'm a sophomore at Georgia Highlands College. I was listening to the show, and. And I heard intern Brandon. I'd never heard his voice before, but I can say that I find myself attracted to him just by your voice. His playful personality and his ability to take a joke about his Persona made Me giggle. Not that I'm asking for anything giggle. Like Bert said, I'm not asking for any sort of date or anything because I've got work or school or whatever, but I just wanted to know if there's a way I can have a simple conversation with him. I can also relate to him. And we're gonna talk about this later on the show because she is black and most of her friends are white. So is Brandon. So we're gonna talk about that later on in the show. But she feels like there's some connections with Brandon and with her. And so she pretty much said, brandon, my heart is yours.

[Jen]

She pretty much asked you out?

[Brandon]

Yeah, basically.

[Danny]

I guess in that house. Gonna have to work. Sorry.

[Burt]

Well, thanks, Melissa. So when are you going out this weekend?

[Brandon]

Oh, we're not.

[Chris]

Why?

[Danny]

Why?

[Brandon]

Both of our schedules couldn't line up.

[Jen]

Did you call her?

[Brandon]

Yeah, I called her. What night? Wednesday night. Had a conversation.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Jen]

Wednesday morning when we talked to her.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Burt]

So good.

[Brandon]

Talked to that day.

[Burt]

All right, that's good.

[Jen]

That's good.

[Brandon]

Have had some prolonged text message conversations,

[Ashley]

but not like phone conversations.

[Brandon]

Our schedules really don't allow. Between her and school and me and

[Ashley]

coaching to talk on the phone.

[Brandon]

Basically the past couple of days have been really busy for mainly me and her.

[Ashley]

So make a five minute conversation. Phone call.

[Brandon]

I mean, she basically told me she prefers texting too.

[Jen]

So she is shy too.

[Burt]

Oh my God, you guys are soulmates.

[Brandon]

So we've had conversations.

[Danny]

So when are you going out?

[Chris]

Today?

[Brandon]

Thursday. Oh, we made plans for next week sometime.

[Danny]

Next week.

[Brandon]

Okay, we'll figure it out. With both our schedules.

[Danny]

Very cool.

[Jen]

Are you gonna take her to a Braves game?

[Brandon]

Oh, plans are up in the air. We'll figure it out. She's open to going to a Braves game.

[Jen]

So what's your idea of a great first date plan?

[Brandon]

Great first date. It would not be anything like a movie or concert. Cause you're too focused on something else. I'd have to be something fun where people can let go. Like, I don't know, like just someplace where you can go hang out. Like for me, I guess if I had to plan the date, it would

[Jen]

probably are the boy. Yeah, and you should plan the first date if.

[Brandon]

Yeah, if both parties were down for it, I'd probably say something like go karting. It's fun. It allows people to let loose and you know, you just get to have fun. It's a cool thing to do.

[Burt]

Is that a cool. Is that a cool first day for girls?

[Ashley]

If you follow it up with dinner. Or it could be.

[Danny]

I would give credit for creativity. I mean, even if it's an event. I mean, even if it's something that I wasn't particularly into, at least I'd be like, okay, well, that's, you know, that's cool. It's creative, it's unique.

[Jen]

Yeah. It's cute. And it's like wholesome fun. So I think it's a good idea.

[Caller Dawn]

You know what I mean?

[Jen]

Like, he's not trying to, like, give you tequila shots.

[Caller Dawn]

What?

[Chris]

Mom.

[Jen]

But you know what I mean, that means his intention is really to get to know the girl and hang out with her and have some fun or whatever. They're not just like, you know, he's not gonna say, you know, get drunk.

[Ashley]

Okay, but now talk too much. So you're. Cuz you're in go Kart.

[Jen]

So what?

[Burt]

Yeah. Aren't there age limits, though, to certain dates or.

[Danny]

No, no, not you talking about, like, go karting and stuff like that.

[Burt]

And putt putt golfing and like, is there a nostalgia factor?

[Brandon]

You're never too old to go putt putting. First off, that's.

[Burt]

Well, it's a sport. Yeah, that's perfect for Brandon.

[Brandon]

Anything that results in a competition.

[Jen]

I'm kind of with Melissa. I think you would get points on creativity of doing something different. Not like the standard dinner, you know,

[Danny]

because I was bored with dinner. The dinner. I. I'm not. I do. I was not the girl that was particularly impressed if you took me to the fancy restaurant or whatever. That just wasn't my thing.

[Jen]

I like a restaurant date if it's a unique, interesting restaurant I've never heard of before. You know, like, I don't know if it's just something like a hole in the wall type kind of like a, you know, something only the guy knows about and there's some sort of story to it.

[Burt]

See, this is. This would be an example of a date, I think that would have an expiration date. Hey, Tiffany.

[Caller Dawn]

Hi. I was gonna say, okay, if you're go karting, you really can't talk to each other. But he sounds like he really wants to have fun, so. What about Six Flags? You have to talk to each other while you're waiting in line.

[Jen]

Would that work for you?

[Burt]

Or you could text. I mean, whatever your.

[Caller Dawn]

Yeah, she could be waiting at Goliath and he could be at Scream Machine. You can text back and forth. I mean.

[Brandon]

Yeah, that works too. Yeah, anything that allows people to let loose and have fun. That's what I'm really big on is just really letting yourself go in the moment. So something like dinner, you can't really. You get caught up in Six Flags to me.

[Jen]

Sounds like a second or third date, though.

[Danny]

Yeah. That is not a first. Six Flags.

[Jen]

That's a carding.

[Danny]

I would do a first date. Six Flags I wouldn't do for a first day.

[Burt]

What difference does it make?

[Jen]

It's a time commitment. You're there for a while, you're paying the entrance fee.

[Danny]

That's the entire day.

[Jen]

That's the whole day. Like, mm, mm. Go karting. That could be another two. And then you're out.

[Burt]

The go karting. You could just turn the wheel hard right, run with the tires and take off.

[Jen]

You're out of there.

[Burt]

You're driving down 400 down Roswell Road in the little Andretti Square. Yeah, Go kart.

[Danny]

That would be fantastic.

[Burt]

And what happened to the Braves game? Not they're not in town or, oh,

[Brandon]

they're here at the beginning of next week. Then I think they go on a road trip.

[Jen]

So why don't you take her to a Braves game?

[Brandon]

I mean, if our schedules work out for the early next week while they're still in town, then I am mad

[Jen]

at you for being so wishy washy on this date. And I don't know.

[Brandon]

I'm not wishy washy on the day. It's just scheduling, you know, it's.

[Jen]

Why don't you figure out the game and say, hey, I can get tickets to this day, this game, this time. Can you go?

[Danny]

Doesn't this go into our conversation yesterday about, you know, boys, Just, just not the whole texting and as the group dates and all.

[Brandon]

I mean, I have major swag through text messaging. That's not my problem.

[Burt]

I am so cocky. 160 characters at a time.

[Danny]

But it's one thing again. And let me say. I mean, I said it yesterday. I'll say it again, guys, if you put the effort forth. Obviously you don't have a lot of competition when it comes to having a plan, because it doesn't. It sounds like you don't have a plan.

[Jen]

Man up. I do have a plan.

[Brandon]

It's just.

[Danny]

What's the plan?

[Brandon]

It's too many question marks at this point. Too far ahead, looking past the weekend.

[Jen]

Excuses, excuses.

[Brandon]

No, just because I don't know her schedule yet. Do you want to be a man

[Jen]

or do you want to be a boy?

[Brandon]

She's not sure of her schedule yet, so that's where.

[Jen]

Have you asked her for a specific night and a specific time?

[Brandon]

She says during the week is a little bit too hectic.

[Jen]

So the answer to my question is no. You haven't said. What's her name again?

[Burt]

Andrea.

[Jen]

Andrea, would you like to go to the Braves with me?

[Burt]

Hold on a minute.

[Brandon]

She said wait until next weekend.

[Jen]

That's, I'm the one on the show. Why don't you listen to me first? Okay.

[Caller Dawn]

Oh, damn.

[Burt]

Okay, here we go.

[Jen]

Let me finish. You haven't asked her on a date. It's this wishy washy. Maybe we'll do this, maybe we'll do that thing.

[Brandon]

The phone conversation was.

[Jen]

Let me finish my sentence, then you can answer.

[Brandon]

The phone conversation was, is, do you want to go out? She said yes. It's just that during the week she's very busy. I'm very busy during the week. I come here in the morning, I coach basketball, I work my job. So during the week it's busy for both of us. So she said if something clears up during the week for both of us, then she'd be sure to let me know and we can do something during the week. Then odds are we're probably looking at next weekend. And for that, that's eight days away from that even happening. So let's not, let's talk, let's figure each other out to see if this is even a possibility.

[Danny]

It's almost, you know what we need a challenge to where. Because the first thought I had is somebody on the show but Burton and Jeff can't do it. I'm trying to think of letting an older guy take a girl out and then Brandon or somebody take younger guy take the girl out and see the comparison. You know, I'm saying like the direct comparison.

[Jen]

I think young guys can still be gentlemen though. Like, I think it just depends on whether the guy wants to like actually ask a girl out on a formal date and is willing to sort of put himself out there to be rejected or not. And I think that's. That was what it kind of comes back to is like.

[Danny]

But we've talked about the past couple days that that got. Young guys don't seem to have the training to do that.

[Brandon]

Maybe not my problem isn't like what to do once you get there, it's how to get there. I know I'm confident of what to do in a relationship. It's just getting to that point.

[Burt]

So you're in again on Monday?

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Burt]

So if we talk to you on Monday, will you have a date set?

[Brandon]

Maybe.

[Burt]

I don't know.

[Brandon]

I don't know the length of the Conversation this weekend.

[Burt]

The bird show. Get it?

[Chris]

The bird show.

[Burt]

So one of us in the room is becoming a hoarder. Dur, duh, dur hoarder. And I think as we talk about this, we're all gonna have to make some sort of confession because I think everybody is a hoarder of something.

[Ashley]

I don't know if it's exactly a hoarder or a disorganized collector.

[Danny]

I like that.

[Jen]

That's awesome.

[Ashley]

I mean, I don't know what to call it, but yeah, I think I could be becoming a hoarder. I don't know if it's like a disease that you just get or I don't know. But I was cleaning out cause me and my mom wanted to do like a dual yard sale because I just have a lot of crap that I just don't need. I mean, there is no place in my one bedroom apartment for all this.

[Burt]

Now you say a yard sale, so that means you have an abundance of paperback books and doilies and little ceramic things. Right?

[Ashley]

And lamps and random stuff that you really don't need.

[Jen]

A big wheel.

[Ashley]

One random and then one random yard tool. I mean, you always got to sell

[Danny]

something like a Christmas decoration that's kind of got a piece missing and a vacuum that does.

[Ashley]

It doesn't work. They're all in the yard sale. But no, I was like going through my apartment and trying to clean out the boxes that I still have. And there's like empty perfume bottles. There's like, you know those little buttons you get on there's what? Empty perfume bottles.

[Burt]

Why?

[Ashley]

I don't know.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Ashley]

I just. I just.

[Jen]

Just haven't thrown them away. Is there like a little bit left in the bottom? And you're like, oh, I'll get to that someday. A little bit left or it's like

[Ashley]

one that you get from like an antique store and just like a cool looking bottle, but it's empty. There's nothing in it. Or you know those little buttons that you get on your clothes that can replace a button?

[Burt]

I saved those too.

[Jen]

Me too.

[Danny]

I don't know why I don't sew. I don't know if a button falls off my shirt. I doubt I'm actually gonna notice that. Yeah, take a thread needle. I'm gonna do that.

[Ashley]

But yeah, there's just random like little trinkets here and there that I just can't get rid of. Like they're just gonna remain in the box. I had an opportunity to throw them in the trash bag to take over to the yard sale. But I didn't do it. And so it. Now it's just collecting space.

[Burt]

So the empty perfume bottles are still in your house.

[Danny]

Mm.

[Burt]

And you didn't set. You're not selling them at the yard sale.

[Ashley]

The clothes that I tried to get rid of, and I just couldn't bring myself to get rid of anything.

[Jen]

Why is it that you don't want to let them go?

[Ashley]

I don't know. They have no meaning to me. But maybe I'll use them one day.

[Jen]

Is that always the thought of a hoarder? Like, I'll get to that someday. I'll. I'll. You know, it's like. It's like kind of consistently putting together

[Burt]

a project list, talking to Wendy about her hoarding problem. Wendy is collecting all sorts of things in our house and can't even sell them at a yard sale.

[Danny]

And it seems like you're just collector. Yeah. It just sounds like you're. You're realizing it now that you could not take those items to your. Your mother's yard sale. Like, that is. What's funny to me is that there's no. There's no connect. There's no emotional connection to it. But for some reason, you feel like you're gonna. Because I think that may be the idea that you're gonna use it someday. There was a woman that I. In my. In one of my complexes years ago that I used to live in, and literally, she was a hoarder. And she let everybody know it because I don't think she could get her door closed. The glass storm door is the only door that was closed. Her front door always open. And every time I passed by, I mean, there was maybe a path that she could walk from the front door to the kitchen, but it was piled up with magazines and papers and items.

[Jen]

You're not that bad, are you?

[Ashley]

Does he have a problem getting rid of magazines? Like, I feel like, oh, no. Yeah, I can't. I have a whole box full of just magazines now.

[Burt]

Have you already read these weekly?

[Ashley]

Yeah. Oh, like old US weeklies. I mean, there's like, coffee mugs and mugs that I don't use. There's T shirts that have random things that I don't ever wear, but.

[Jen]

And you don't want to get rid of them.

[Danny]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

For some odd reason, I just can't let. Let them go. I'm like, I can wear that to bed, or I can wear that if I'm doing yard work. And I never do yard work.

[Burt]

I want to wear that to mow. The lawn. But I live in an apartment and don't have a lawn. I'm just saying that if I ever wanted to mow the apartment, apartment complexes lawn, I will wear that.

[Danny]

It's like me in T shirts. I'm wear that. I could wear that to the gym. I'm never going to the gym.

[Burt]

In my gym I could use that to wipe up a spill. Right. I have a problem with boxes that things come in and I don't know what the dollar value is but like if something costs maybe over 100 bucks, like a digital camera for example. If I have a digital camera that's over $100, I'll save the box and all the packaging and everything and I open it very carefully and I fold the little bag up and I put it in there and I keep it. And I have tons of empty technology boxes.

[Jen]

Yes, but some technology you're not using anymore.

[Burt]

What's that?

[Jen]

Like it's probably from like three phones ago that you're not even using the BlackBerry anymore.

[Burt]

Yes. I have multiple boxes of random like old blackberries and stuff.

[Danny]

Same thing.

[Burt]

Computers come in and I'm like. And my justification of it is if I ever move, I want to have the original packaging to pack up. Like the computer monitor.

[Jen]

Uh huh.

[Burt]

Which doesn't. I don't know why, but I have a ton of boxes in my house

[Jen]

that I feel like I'm the polar opposite. I like clean out all the time, clean out, give away. I try to purge everything. The only thing I think I hoard is memento stuff. Like the bulletin from Easter Sunday when I went with my parents in New York. I'll hold onto that because I want to remember that was a really cool day. But I mean, what am I gonna do with it? Like mount it in a photo album? No, like why am I holding on to that? That's the kind of stuff I hoard. Ticket stubs from events I've gone to.

[Danny]

I have every ticket, concert, sports, ticket stub. I still don't know what I'm gonna do with all those. But from high school really, do you

[Jen]

have them in an organized like box or like a file folder or are they just around?

[Danny]

Well, they're collected but it's like I don't know what project I'm gonna do with them later on. And then, I mean it's all. And then I actually, actually made the comment to Katie the other day I forgot what we had gone to and I got the ticket from it. I said, oh, they just don't make tickets as pretty as they used to be. And then I thought, oh, my God, how old am I? Because. Because there is a distinct difference in their tickets used to be all decorative, and I think that's why people used to collect them. But now there's just. It's nothing. They don't put any effort in them.

[Jen]

So would it make you nervous if you had to purge your stuff? Like, your lawn T shirt you're never gonna wear?

[Danny]

And your.

[Jen]

Like, if you. If somebody went through your apartment and started throwing out stuff, it would freak you out, even though you're probably never gonna use it.

[Ashley]

I think if someone did it for me, then I would know about it. Out of sight, out of mind. But if I had to do it, then I would probably get a little nervous.

[Burt]

If you watch that show Hoarders. Anybody ever see that? Yeah, if you watch the show Hoarders, people freak out when people start touching their stuff. Is this a form of hoarding? What about when I. Because of digital cameras now.

[Danny]

Mm.

[Burt]

I have a really hard time deleting pictures. I have two.

[Jen]

Off the camera or off your computer?

[Burt]

Off the computer. I have two. My pictures are organized in two sets. One is the. Every picture felt like every picture I've ever taken.

[Danny]

I don't think that's bad.

[Burt]

Well, wait till you hear my justification for it.

[Brandon]

What?

[Burt]

And this is true. My thinking is that someday I may have a photograph, and in the background of that photograph would be a criminal, and my picture will crack the case, so I don't delete any pictures. So, like, if we're all out at a club or something.

[Danny]

Are you kidding me?

[Burt]

Are you just.

[Jen]

Standing pictures are gonna crack the case of some criminal activity.

[Burt]

So, like, if we're all out and we're having a good time and I take a picture, like the dude.

[Danny]

I'm stunned right now. Really?

[Ashley]

That's hilarious. Do you just take random pictures in clubs of people?

[Burt]

No, I'm. If it's like. Let's say I. We're all out. Like, Jen and I were at Park Tavern last night for an event. So let's say I'm taking a picture of Jen and her boyfriend, and I take, you know, two or three shots because, you know, Jen's got really small eyes, and she probably blinked. So I take.

[Danny]

How can you tell? Just kidding.

[Burt]

I take two or three shots. I won't delete the two bad ones because I'm convinced. And one of them is the guy who just committed the murder in Piedmont park, and he's walking by, throwing the murder weapon in the garbage can at the exact moment I snapped the shot.

[Jen]

Seriously,

[Burt]

way too much Law and Order.

[Chris]

Wow, you're on the Burt Show. Listen, it's the Burt Show. Before we even start the show today, though, got a Burt show listener not happy with some of our content. Okay. Not today's show because we just started, but yesterday, I think. Good morning, Q100.

[Caller Dawn]

Good morning. How are you doing?

[Ashley]

Fantastic. Good.

[Chris]

How are you?

[Caller Dawn]

Pretty good, thanks.

[Chris]

Your name is Dawn?

[Caller Dawn]

Yes, it is.

[Chris]

All right, Don, what do you want to unload on us?

[Caller Dawn]

Well, it's just, you know, I've listened to you since about, you know, five o' clock this morning. And, you know, with all the things that we have in our world, today is just a. Unfortunately, it's not the only station that would pick up on this. The vehicle that I'm in today. And to have to listen for 30 to 35 minutes about parents who, you know, call in for things for their adult children.

[Danny]

Right.

[Caller Dawn]

You guys really should take, you know, better advantage of the broadcasting time that you have to give messages or something a little more important than that. I mean, like she was saying, that is dumb. But it's dumb for, you know, people in Atlanta to have to listen to that for 30 minutes.

[Chris]

Okay, first of all, I have no. What was the break? Wait a sec. What's. What's the break that you're talking about?

[Burt]

It was the conversation we had yesterday about the parents who call in sick for their kids and then how that

[Caller Dawn]

teachers having their parents. You don't really know what lifestyle these people have to where they would need their parents help for certain things. It's just, it just seems like, you know, 30 minutes of airtime that could have been used for a lot more important issues or even topics for that matter.

[Burt]

Can you give us some.

[Caller Dawn]

My opinion. That is just dumb.

[Burt]

Can you give us some examples of what you would consider content that's not dumb.

[Danny]

Or why you're in such a bad

[Caller Dawn]

mood at five, you know, since you're on the air, you know, with the music station.

[Burt]

Yeah, we don't, we don't. We don't play music in the morning. So.

[Chris]

Are you, Are you a new. Are you new?

[Caller Dawn]

I play some songs, I guess, when people request them. But no, you know, it was just annoying. And I thought, you know, to, you know, I'm a LOCKSMITH. I work 24 7. I have to listen to the radio quite a lot just to keep me awake and trying to keep myself awake. Having to listen to that conversation was. You guys have a great radio Station. I just think you could have done a lot better than you did this morning.

[Chris]

Hey, Don, let's have a conversation here for a second, okay? Are you a new listener to the Burt show?

[Caller Dawn]

Actually, no. I listen to it quite often.

[Chris]

Okay, well, your first statement was there are more important things in the world to talk about. Some of the reason why we spend 10 minutes on a conversation like that, because a 10 minute conversation on something like that is because there are such serious things that are going on in the world and we sort of look like as this period right here is your break away from that. From time to time we'll get into the serious stuff. But sometimes we break away and we do goofy stuff and it's what we've done for nine years here. And if you don't like it, you got 40 other radio, you got iPods and 40 other radio stations, like new stations.

[Caller Dawn]

I'm in a work vehicle this morning and it seemed to be the only station that would pick up in the location that I'm at. And it's just, I just had to, you know, get my opinion out there because it gets annoying sometimes.

[Chris]

Yeah, I know. Sometimes we take calls like this and it's annoying for us too, but we try to be patient about it.

[Caller Dawn]

Exactly.

[Chris]

And we try to work our way

[Caller Dawn]

through all of the other callers that you've had call in this morning. I mean, great topic at five o' clock in the morning.

[Ashley]

I thought it was funny.

[Caller Dawn]

We're talking 10 more minutes about Chex Mix.

[Ashley]

I thought that was hysterical.

[Caller Dawn]

That was just icing on the cake for me, honey.

[Danny]

I'm sorry. What's ever going on that makes you mad at 5:52 in the morning, but it's not us.

[Caller Dawn]

You guys, like I said, you do have a great show. There's just.

[Burt]

No, we don't.

[Caller Dawn]

For 45 minutes.

[Chris]

Someone peed in your Chex Mix this morning. The Chex Mix conversation that we had yesterday, I thought was so funny. I mean, it wasn't, it wasn't like a plan thing that we were going to talk about. But like I said, there's serious things going on in the world.

[Jen]

Are you human nature stuff, you know,

[Caller Dawn]

we all related serious things. I'm just saying there's a lot of other topics, you know.

[Burt]

Okay, but we've asked you several times.

[Danny]

It was just, wow.

[Ashley]

Give us an example of a good topic.

[Chris]

Yeah. What do you want us to talk about today? And we'll get it in somehow.

[Danny]

Give us an example.

[Caller Dawn]

Other than what you are talking specific.

[Brandon]

No.

[Chris]

So anything Other than what we were talking about.

[Caller Dawn]

You said, you know, something to keep it light, something in the mornings, you

[Burt]

know, but you just sitting there, know

[Danny]

what we're just doing and then what

[Burt]

she's criticizing you guys. Listen to the energy that you guys are getting all worked up.

[Danny]

You know what? It's annoying. It's annoying for me for. It is. I have to say, pet peeve of this job is people to. To like, I don't understand why she's so critical and complaining for the past.

[Burt]

Yeah, we're not telling you how to show. We're not telling you how to install a lock.

[Danny]

Yeah.

[Caller Dawn]

Nobody's walking around saying, well, being critical about someone who they have calling their doctor's appointments.

[Ashley]

I mean, but then give us something that you want us to talk about.

[Caller Dawn]

A really dumb thing. Just like she said, she thinks that's dumb. Well, I think it's dumb that waste airtime. But we could be making people laugh or tell them an interesting, you know, an inspiring story for the day. Other than, you know, who cares if these parents have, you know, their adult children have their parents.

[Chris]

And I think the irony here is that we're spending all that time on her and we're doing the same thing that she's upset that we did yesterday.

[Burt]

Dawn needs to call another locksmith to reach up her arse and pull the lock that's jammed up there out.

[Chris]

Good morning.

[Burt]

You guys need to talk about something a little lighter than Chex mix

[Chris]

latte. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller Dawn]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Good morning.

[Chris]

How are you today?

[Caller Dawn]

I'm good. I just want to say, like, what does she expect? This is not cnn.

[Jen]

Right.

[Caller Dawn]

Like, seriously, if I wanted that, I would be listening to something like cnn. I want the Burt show where it's funny and things go from all across the board. Okay? We. They do big adventures. So they go from serious to funny. Like, this is not cnn.

[Burt]

Why are we even spending. Like, this woman is driving around on her work. Yeah, but this woman's driving around in her work van and she's listening and it's stuck. I can't listen to anything else but you guys. And for whatever reason, like, I'm sorry that someone called you at 5am to go let you in their house. Like, you know what it's.

[Chris]

And you got other options. You know what another option? If you're in a car and the only thing you can get is us, silence is an option. That's the one channel that you'll always get.

[Burt]

Great.

[Chris]

The reception on silence.

[Brandon]

Fantastic.

[Jen]

And sing to yourself.

[Burt]

You can always.

[Ashley]

Compact disc.

[Jen]

I think that she would probably be singing things like Amazing Grace or like Kumbaya.

[Caller Dawn]

You are showing that.

[Ashley]

No, she's really happy kind of girl.

[Jen]

Really happy songs.

[Burt]

She also has the option of going back to school and getting her GED so she doesn't have to be a locksmith. Now you guys are. Now you're mean.

[Jen]

There's a lot of happy locksmiths out there.

[Burt]

I'm sure there's probably a locksmith called the Happy Locksmith, and there's a smile whistling smiley face on his van.

[Danny]

I'm not gonna criticize locksmith because we need locksmiths.

[Chris]

Yeah, we've all called a locksmith when you need one. Yeah, you want a happy one.

[Jen]

That's why I'm the Happy is when the locksmith gets there. Right?

[Chris]

Hey, Ashley. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller Dawn]

Hey, I was just saying, you know, are we done talking to her? A, she's putting me in a bad mood, and I'm sure everybody else. B, she's the one who's saying, oh, you're wasting airtime. So why are we wasting airtime? On.

[Burt]

She was fun.

[Caller Dawn]

You know, she's just putting everybody in a bad mood, and she won't let you guys talk.

[Burt]

You know what will put you in a better mood? Think about the person who called her this morning. Like, think about the person who is locked outside of their car and needs to get to work. And she pulls up and she's like, oh, look at you, you freaking idiot. Your cars are. Your keys are right there in the ignition, and the car's not open. Looks like you're in a jam, you moron. Well, let me get my tools and bilk you for 175 freaking dollars that you're probably gonna pay me in a check so I can lay you in your car and you can drive to your job where you talk about nonsense stuff. Are you glad you called me?

[Chris]

I can turn out now. I'm annoying.

[Danny]

Yeah. Imagine if she has her key. The person has the keys locked in the car and their radio is up with Q100. No, save himself.

[Caller Dawn]

Can't get rid of that shot. God, you're annoying.

[Chris]

This is the bird show.