The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Monday, December 22 [Vault]

Podcast by Pionaire Podcasting
Aired: December 22, 2025
Cast: Bert, Stacey, Jessica, David, Drew Ski, Zoe, others

Overview

This episode of The Bert Show blends irreverent humor, candid personal anecdotes, and lively group discussion, with a focus on two major segments:

1. Awkward or inappropriate sources of sexual advice
2. Bert’s lack of knowledge about practical life and household matters, tested via a quiz designed by the co-hosts

The show’s open, honest style fosters both laughter and relatability, moving seamlessly between light entertainment and frank talk about real-life situations.

Segment 1: The Most Inappropriate Source of Sexual Advice

Main Theme: Listeners and hosts share stories of the most awkward or unexpected people to give them sexual advice.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Bert’s Frustration and Amusement: Bert introduces an article from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution on how to talk to your children about sex. He reminisces about never having "the talk" with his own mother and invites the audience to call in with stories of the most inappropriate sources of sexual advice.
  • Quote: “I can't even remember my mom actually sitting me down and having the talks… who is the most inappropriate person that has ever given you any kind of sexual advice at all?” – Bert (01:33)
• Grandmothers as a Common Culprit: Many listeners call in with stories highlighting grandmothers giving far too much information—sometimes graphic, sometimes bizarre, but always awkward.
  • Valerie's Grandma Stories (04:13-05:46):
    • Valerie recounts her 62-year-old grandmother offering explicit advice about "positions and toys."
    • "She would tell me stories… like both [recent and when younger]." – Valerie (04:28)
    • Bert cites a statistic that “60% of women over 70 are still sexually active," surprising the group and sparking reactions about not needing all that info from a relative.
  • Valerie also shares about her 16-year-old brother giving her marriage-night advice.
    • "He was like, Valerie, we've always been close, but there are just things you need to know now..." – Valerie (06:43)
• Other Notable Stories:
  • A nun teaching abstinence in 4th grade followed by etiquette lessons the next day (07:36-08:17)
  • Grandmother’s blunt warnings in front of boyfriends:
    • "Don't be doing favors with your body." – Valerie's grandmother (08:25-08:49)
    • "Keep your knees together." – David's grandmother (08:54)
    • "Always check it out first because if it doesn't look right, it couldn't possibly be right." – Valerie’s story about grandma’s advice (09:27)
    • "Men are after nothing but the cat." – Listener’s grandma, confusing her with literal pet cat concern at age 10 (10:21-10:44)
  • Boyfriend’s Mother’s “Gift” the night before prom (11:27-12:33):
    • "If he's anything like his father, you'll need this," says the boyfriend’s mom, giving a pleasure tool and demonstratively explaining its use.
  • Youth Pastor’s Explicit Demo (12:49-13:57):
    • "My youth pastor... started telling us how to put on a condom with our mouths... brought out a toy and showed us how... we were eating pizza..." – Tracy

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “Six doesn't seem that bad to me.” – Bert, on the percentage of seniors still sexually active (11:00)
• "Would it be inappropriate for me to offer a hundred dollars to somebody that wants to call their grandmother on the air to see if she's sexually active?" – Bert (11:03)

[Timestamps for Key Calls & Stories]

• Valerie’s grandma: 04:13–05:46
• Valerie’s brother: 06:10–07:00
• Nun in 4th grade: 07:36–08:17
• Grandmother's dinner-table pronouncement: 08:23–09:01
• Grandmother’s “check it out first”: 09:25–10:09
• “Men are after nothing but the cat”: 10:21–10:44
• Boyfriend’s mom before prom: 11:27–12:33
• Youth pastor’s sex-ed demonstration: 12:49–13:57

Segment 2: The Bert Show “Real Life Quiz”

Main Theme: The cast exposes Bert’s cluelessness about basic household and life details via a personalized trivia quiz.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• The Setup:
  • Stacey: “We’ve all talked about it… You’re a little out of touch with everything.” (16:50)
  • Bert admits: If he’s not involved with something directly, he checks out.
    • "If I'm not involved in it, I just check out." – Bert (17:33)
• Examples of Bert’s Absence from Household Chores:
  • Doesn’t know the landscaping company, online bill payment, or bank details; relies entirely on wife Stacey.
  • "I've never seen my paycheck. I have no idea what I make." – Bert (21:13)
  • "If I had to get my passport, it's locked in the safe I don't know the combination of… would have to call Stacey’s parents." (20:19–20:40)
• The Quiz:
  • Goal: Out of nine questions (three each from Stacey, Jessica, and David), can Bert get at least one correct per person?
  • Sample Questions and Results:
    • Directions to Vinings Jubilee:
      Bert improvises an answer, gets credit for effort (22:07–22:42).
    • How to pay for the Georgia cruise card:
      Bert guesses “online,” but it’s auto-charged to credit card. They clarify he actually doesn't have a cruise card (22:48–23:19).
    • Mortgage provider?
      Guesses SunTrust or BofA; answer is Countrywide Mortgage (23:25–23:43).
    • Family members' birthdays and anniversary?
      Gets some dates, muddles others, half-point (23:49–24:27).
    • Identifying basic tools (wire stripper, Allen wrench):
      Bert confuses the wire stripper for a pruner but correctly identifies an Allen wrench with help (24:37–25:31).
    • Grocery Price Guessing (Tide, milk, bread, aspirin):
      Hasn't shopped in years—closest on prices, but misses which is the least expensive (26:01–28:36).
    • Kroger Plus Card question, station staff trivia—mix of successes and misses.
• Reactions:
  • Much laughter and good-natured roasting.
  • “I feel like… when [President] Bush went through the supermarket and didn't know what the scanner was and the whole country came down on him.” – Bert (25:40)

Memorable Quotes

• "You have 10 seconds to answer this question. Tell me your wife's birthday, your mom's birthday, Hayden's birthday, and your wedding anniversary." – Stacey (23:48)
• "I haven't had to do my own shopping. It's been 11 years. Probably Stacey's taken care of it from day one." – Bert (28:03)
• "Your boobs." – Bert, as a joke for how to get a discount at Kroger—a classic offhand Bert quip (29:01)

[Quiz Segment Timestamps]

• Quiz introduction: 16:31–21:33
• Quiz questions and answers: 22:01–29:19

Segment 3: What Makes or Breaks a First Date

Main Theme: The cast recalls their personal “deal-breakers” and “red flags” from first dates.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Red Flags on Dates:
  • Punctuality: For Jeff, if a woman makes him wait excessively, he considers the date off.
  • Self-obsession or only talking about themselves: Bert jokes it makes him relax.
  • Talking about exes: For Jessica, it signals they aren’t over their past relationship.
  • How a date treats staff: Rudeness to waiters or hostesses is an automatic no-go.
  • Phone Use: Too much time on the phone signals disinterest (Bert).
  • Over-primping and self-criticism: The group discusses examples ranging from excessive bathroom time, being too hard on oneself, or being superficial.
  • Cattiness or immediate criticism: Unattractive if present on day one.
  • Gratitude/Politeness: How often and sincerely a date says thank you matters.
• Red Flags Overlooked in Their Own Relationships:
  • David remembers his now-husband Ryan’s “groupies” at early concerts as a concern.
  • Bert is accused by his wife of having worn a sweatshirt tucked into jeans on their first date—he denies it.

Notable Quotes

• "If she's on her cell phone a lot, then she's thinking I've got better things to do than hang out with this guy." – Bert (34:51)
• "The criticism of everything I do comes later in the relationship, not on the first date." – Jessica (38:03)
• "You have to have a little bit of confidence. Like, I don't want to hear you whining about things that are wrong with you." – Stacey (36:55)

[First Date Discussion Timestamps]

• First date red flags: 32:06–40:03

Overall Tone and Notable Moments

• Conversational, Fast-Paced, and Candid: The show swings from self-deprecation (Bert’s quiz) to outrageous personal stories (sexual advice from nuns, youth pastors, family), always with a comic undercurrent.
• Memorable banter: Irreverent and funny, the cast riffs off each other with ease (e.g., Bert’s joke about getting discounts with “your boobs”).
• Listener Involvement: Audience calls add authenticity and widen the humorous scope.

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• "He was like, Valerie, we've always been close, but there are just things you need to know now." – Valerie (06:43)
• "If he's anything like his father, you'll need this." – Listener’s boyfriend’s mother, pre-prom sex advice (11:36)
• "She brought out a toy and showed us how...we were eating pizza and she showed us how to do it." – Tracy, about her youth pastor's sex-ed demo (13:50)
• "If I'm not involved in it, I just check out." – Bert (17:33)
• "I've never seen my paycheck. I have no idea." – Bert (21:13)
• "Your boobs." – Bert, joking about saving money at the store (29:01)
• "The criticism of everything I do comes later in the relationship, not on the first date." – Jessica (38:03)

Final Thoughts

This episode is quintessential Bert Show: unexpected, playful, and authentic, with deeply personal (and sometimes TMI) stories providing plenty of laughs and head-shakes. Whether poking fun at Bert’s practical cluelessness, sharing embarrassing family sex talks, or dissecting dating dynamics, the cast’s camaraderie shines throughout.

[For Reference: Main Content Blocks]

• Awkward Sex Advice: 01:33–13:57
• The “Real Life Quiz”: 16:31–29:19
• First Date Red Flags: 32:06–40:03

End of Summary