Full Show PT 3: Monday, December 22 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Monday, December 22 [Vault]

Podcast by Pionaire Podcasting
Aired: December 22, 2025
Cast: Bert, Stacey, Jessica, David, Drew Ski, Zoe, others

---

Overview

This episode of The Bert Show blends irreverent humor, candid personal anecdotes, and lively group discussion, with a focus on two major segments:

1. Awkward or inappropriate sources of sexual advice
2. Bert’s lack of knowledge about practical life and household matters, tested via a quiz designed by the co-hosts

The show’s open, honest style fosters both laughter and relatability, moving seamlessly between light entertainment and frank talk about real-life situations.

---

Segment 1: The Most Inappropriate Source of Sexual Advice

Main Theme: Listeners and hosts share stories of the most awkward or unexpected people to give them sexual advice.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Bert’s Frustration and Amusement: Bert introduces an article from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution on how to talk to your children about sex. He reminisces about never having "the talk" with his own mother and invites the audience to call in with stories of the most inappropriate sources of sexual advice.
  • Quote: “I can't even remember my mom actually sitting me down and having the talks… who is the most inappropriate person that has ever given you any kind of sexual advice at all?” – Bert (01:33)
• Grandmothers as a Common Culprit: Many listeners call in with stories highlighting grandmothers giving far too much information—sometimes graphic, sometimes bizarre, but always awkward.
  • Valerie's Grandma Stories (04:13-05:46):
    • Valerie recounts her 62-year-old grandmother offering explicit advice about "positions and toys."
    • "She would tell me stories… like both [recent and when younger]." – Valerie (04:28)
    • Bert cites a statistic that “60% of women over 70 are still sexually active," surprising the group and sparking reactions about not needing all that info from a relative.
  • Valerie also shares about her 16-year-old brother giving her marriage-night advice.
    • "He was like, Valerie, we've always been close, but there are just things you need to know now..." – Valerie (06:43)
• Other Notable Stories:
  • A nun teaching abstinence in 4th grade followed by etiquette lessons the next day (07:36-08:17)
  • Grandmother’s blunt warnings in front of boyfriends:
    • "Don't be doing favors with your body." – Valerie's grandmother (08:25-08:49)
    • "Keep your knees together." – David's grandmother (08:54)
    • "Always check it out first because if it doesn't look right, it couldn't possibly be right." – Valerie’s story about grandma’s advice (09:27)
    • "Men are after nothing but the cat." – Listener’s grandma, confusing her with literal pet cat concern at age 10 (10:21-10:44)
  • Boyfriend’s Mother’s “Gift” the night before prom (11:27-12:33):
    • "If he's anything like his father, you'll need this," says the boyfriend’s mom, giving a pleasure tool and demonstratively explaining its use.
  • Youth Pastor’s Explicit Demo (12:49-13:57):
    • "My youth pastor... started telling us how to put on a condom with our mouths... brought out a toy and showed us how... we were eating pizza..." – Tracy

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “Six doesn't seem that bad to me.” – Bert, on the percentage of seniors still sexually active (11:00)
• "Would it be inappropriate for me to offer a hundred dollars to somebody that wants to call their grandmother on the air to see if she's sexually active?" – Bert (11:03)

[Timestamps for Key Calls & Stories]

• Valerie’s grandma: 04:13–05:46
• Valerie’s brother: 06:10–07:00
• Nun in 4th grade: 07:36–08:17
• Grandmother's dinner-table pronouncement: 08:23–09:01
• Grandmother’s “check it out first”: 09:25–10:09
• “Men are after nothing but the cat”: 10:21–10:44
• Boyfriend’s mom before prom: 11:27–12:33
• Youth pastor’s sex-ed demonstration: 12:49–13:57

---

Segment 2: The Bert Show “Real Life Quiz”

Main Theme: The cast exposes Bert’s cluelessness about basic household and life details via a personalized trivia quiz.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• The Setup:
  • Stacey: “We’ve all talked about it… You’re a little out of touch with everything.” (16:50)
  • Bert admits: If he’s not involved with something directly, he checks out.
    • "If I'm not involved in it, I just check out." – Bert (17:33)
• Examples of Bert’s Absence from Household Chores:
  • Doesn’t know the landscaping company, online bill payment, or bank details; relies entirely on wife Stacey.
  • "I've never seen my paycheck. I have no idea what I make." – Bert (21:13)
  • "If I had to get my passport, it's locked in the safe I don't know the combination of… would have to call Stacey’s parents." (20:19–20:40)
• The Quiz:
  • Goal: Out of nine questions (three each from Stacey, Jessica, and David), can Bert get at least one correct per person?
  • Sample Questions and Results:
    • Directions to Vinings Jubilee:
      Bert improvises an answer, gets credit for effort (22:07–22:42).
    • How to pay for the Georgia cruise card:
      Bert guesses “online,” but it’s auto-charged to credit card. They clarify he actually doesn't have a cruise card (22:48–23:19).
    • Mortgage provider?
      Guesses SunTrust or BofA; answer is Countrywide Mortgage (23:25–23:43).
    • Family members' birthdays and anniversary?
      Gets some dates, muddles others, half-point (23:49–24:27).
    • Identifying basic tools (wire stripper, Allen wrench):
      Bert confuses the wire stripper for a pruner but correctly identifies an Allen wrench with help (24:37–25:31).
    • Grocery Price Guessing (Tide, milk, bread, aspirin):
      Hasn't shopped in years—closest on prices, but misses which is the least expensive (26:01–28:36).
    • Kroger Plus Card question, station staff trivia—mix of successes and misses.
• Reactions:
  • Much laughter and good-natured roasting.
  • “I feel like… when [President] Bush went through the supermarket and didn't know what the scanner was and the whole country came down on him.” – Bert (25:40)

Memorable Quotes

• "You have 10 seconds to answer this question. Tell me your wife's birthday, your mom's birthday, Hayden's birthday, and your wedding anniversary." – Stacey (23:48)
• "I haven't had to do my own shopping. It's been 11 years. Probably Stacey's taken care of it from day one." – Bert (28:03)
• "Your boobs." – Bert, as a joke for how to get a discount at Kroger—a classic offhand Bert quip (29:01)

[Quiz Segment Timestamps]

• Quiz introduction: 16:31–21:33
• Quiz questions and answers: 22:01–29:19

---

Segment 3: What Makes or Breaks a First Date

Main Theme: The cast recalls their personal “deal-breakers” and “red flags” from first dates.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Red Flags on Dates:
  • Punctuality: For Jeff, if a woman makes him wait excessively, he considers the date off.
  • Self-obsession or only talking about themselves: Bert jokes it makes him relax.
  • Talking about exes: For Jessica, it signals they aren’t over their past relationship.
  • How a date treats staff: Rudeness to waiters or hostesses is an automatic no-go.
  • Phone Use: Too much time on the phone signals disinterest (Bert).
  • Over-primping and self-criticism: The group discusses examples ranging from excessive bathroom time, being too hard on oneself, or being superficial.
  • Cattiness or immediate criticism: Unattractive if present on day one.
  • Gratitude/Politeness: How often and sincerely a date says thank you matters.
• Red Flags Overlooked in Their Own Relationships:
  • David remembers his now-husband Ryan’s “groupies” at early concerts as a concern.
  • Bert is accused by his wife of having worn a sweatshirt tucked into jeans on their first date—he denies it.

Notable Quotes

• "If she's on her cell phone a lot, then she's thinking I've got better things to do than hang out with this guy." – Bert (34:51)
• "The criticism of everything I do comes later in the relationship, not on the first date." – Jessica (38:03)
• "You have to have a little bit of confidence. Like, I don't want to hear you whining about things that are wrong with you." – Stacey (36:55)

[First Date Discussion Timestamps]

• First date red flags: 32:06–40:03

---

Overall Tone and Notable Moments

• Conversational, Fast-Paced, and Candid: The show swings from self-deprecation (Bert’s quiz) to outrageous personal stories (sexual advice from nuns, youth pastors, family), always with a comic undercurrent.
• Memorable banter: Irreverent and funny, the cast riffs off each other with ease (e.g., Bert’s joke about getting discounts with “your boobs”).
• Listener Involvement: Audience calls add authenticity and widen the humorous scope.

---

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• "He was like, Valerie, we've always been close, but there are just things you need to know now." – Valerie (06:43)
• "If he's anything like his father, you'll need this." – Listener’s boyfriend’s mother, pre-prom sex advice (11:36)
• "She brought out a toy and showed us how...we were eating pizza and she showed us how to do it." – Tracy, about her youth pastor's sex-ed demo (13:50)
• "If I'm not involved in it, I just check out." – Bert (17:33)
• "I've never seen my paycheck. I have no idea." – Bert (21:13)
• "Your boobs." – Bert, joking about saving money at the store (29:01)
• "The criticism of everything I do comes later in the relationship, not on the first date." – Jessica (38:03)

---

Final Thoughts

This episode is quintessential Bert Show: unexpected, playful, and authentic, with deeply personal (and sometimes TMI) stories providing plenty of laughs and head-shakes. Whether poking fun at Bert’s practical cluelessness, sharing embarrassing family sex talks, or dissecting dating dynamics, the cast’s camaraderie shines throughout.

---

[For Reference: Main Content Blocks]

• Awkward Sex Advice: 01:33–13:57
• The “Real Life Quiz”: 16:31–29:19
• First Date Red Flags: 32:06–40:03

---

End of Summary

Transcript

[Zoe]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[Drew Ski]

Zoey, this thing weighs a ton.

[Bert]

Drew Ski, lift with your legs, man.

[David]

Santa.

[Bert]

Santa, did you get my letter?

[Drew Ski]

He's talking to you britches.

[Bert]

I'm not.

[Zoe]

Of course he did.

[Bert]

Right, Santa, you know my elf, Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list.

[Drew Ski]

And elf, I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T Mobile. You can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies, right, Mrs. Claus?

[Zoe]

Hi, Mrs. Claus. Claus, much younger sister. And AT T Mobile, there's no trade in needed when you switch, so you can keep your old phone or give.

[Bert]

It as a gift.

[Zoe]

And the best part, you can make the switch to T mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[Drew Ski]

Nice. My side of the tree is slipping.

[Bert]

Kimber, the holidays are better.

[Santa]

AT T Mobile, switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. And now T mobile is available in U.S. cellular stores with sweetheartly bill credits for well qualified customers plus tax and $35 vice connection charge credits and imbalance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel financing agreement. 256gigs. $830. Eligible for it in a new line. $100 plus a month plan with auto fees required to count 15 minutes or less per line.

[Jessica]

Visit t mobile.com okay, only 10 more presents to wrap.

[Bert]

You're almost at the finish line.

[David]

But first.

[Bert]

There, the last one.

[David]

Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes.

[Bert]

Hey, the bird show. All right, so I'm looking at the AJC this morning, and they have an article on how to give advice to your children when it comes to sex. Now this is a. I got some.

[David]

That is wrong.

[Jessica]

Wrong, Gail.

[Stacey]

So wrong.

[Bert]

It's right.

[David]

Bert is so genuinely tickled by that.

[Bert]

I just think that's so funny. I don't know why. Anywho, this is so not a conversation I'm looking forward to eventually having with Hayden. Like, I can't even remember my mom actually sitting me down and having the talks about the, you know, quote, the birds and the bees and all. But I'm wondering if you're listening. Like, who is the most inappropriate person that has ever given you any kind of sexual advice at all? Because usually this is supposed to come from the parents, right? But more often than not, you find out from somebody else. Or it could be even when you're older and you already know what sex is all about, but somebody still feels the need to give you sexual advice. When was it the most awkward? And who was the most inappropriate person that has ever given you any kind of sexual advice.

[Stacey]

I was just thinking, you know, grandma gets a couple drinks in her at the wedding reception. Let me tell you something, sweetheart.

[David]

I was gonna tell you about. A friend of mine from this weekend was on, went to a wedding this weekend and met up with a bunch of girlfriends, a group of girls that I've known since childhood. And one of the girls is getting married coming up in May to a very nice young man whose parents and entire family are very straight laced and very religious. Very religious. So to the point where if they go spend the weekend at the beach house, they cannot be there unchaperoned. And he's 28, 29 years old, and she's like 25 or 26, because what would people think if they stayed at our beach house? You know? So, I mean, we are talking straight and narrow parents and straight and narrow entire family. So she was telling me that when she got engaged, she was all excited and she saw her soon to be husband's sister. So this is soon to be her sister in law who was so excited to talk to her because she gives sex advice at her church. And she knew that, you know, that Emily would really, you know, would really benefit. Benefit from the sex advice on her first night after they got married.

[Bert]

From the sister in law.

[David]

From his sister. Oh, yeah. She was like very excited to take her to this, this church class where she teaches sex classes.

[Bert]

Good morning, Erin.

[Valerie]

Hi, Bert.

[Stacey]

Hey.

[Bert]

The most inappropriate or awkward person that has ever given you any kind of sexual advice?

[Valerie]

My grandmother.

[Jessica]

Oh, God. When did it happen?

[Valerie]

And she wouldn't just give me advice, she would tell me stories.

[Jessica]

Oh, no.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Bert]

That pertain to her?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Bert]

Like recent stories when she was your grandma or younger stories when she was a younger woman?

[Valerie]

Like both.

[David]

Now let's.

[Jessica]

Okay. Because grandmothers can vary in age. How old is she?

[Valerie]

She is 62.

[Stacey]

Just the fact that you call her grandma, I think that. Yeah, we got.

[Jessica]

Well, there's some younger grandmothers.

[David]

That's young.

[Bert]

Yeah, 62 is okay, but once we hit like 70, I think, then you're starting to talk about a completely different animal.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Bert]

What kind of sexual advice was she giving you?

[Valerie]

Just like positions and toys and stuff like that. I don't want to hear from her.

[Jessica]

Is your grandmother that chick on Oxygen?

[Valerie]

I wish.

[Bert]

That would be cool.

[Valerie]

That would be cool.

[Bert]

But no, I was just reading. In fact, I brought this in today that there was a study that was just done. See if I can find this here real quick, Aaron. That Said that I think it's 60% of women over the age of 70 are still sexually active.

[Valerie]

Hey, if she is, more power to her. But do I need to know, right?

[Bert]

You'd rather not know about it.

[Valerie]

Well, I hope.

[Jessica]

I hope that they are still sexually active.

[Valerie]

Oh, I know she is. She's all, you know, gung ho about that kind of thing, and she rides Harleys and everything, and she's funny as hell. But I just, you know, it's like, I don't need your advice.

[Bert]

Right.

[Jessica]

Because if I live to be 60, I'm still going to be doing it.

[Valerie]

Why not? Right?

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[David]

Hello.

[Bert]

I'm done.

[David]

Maybe you might not have a choice whether you're done or not.

[Bert]

Right. Well, there's that little blue pill now, right? All right, Aaron, thank you very much.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Bert]

Bye.

[Jessica]

Bye, Grandma.

[Bert]

Valerie, the most inappropriate person that has ever given you sexual advice.

[Valerie]

My little baby brother, who is eight and a half years younger than I am.

[Bert]

Oh, how old is he?

[Valerie]

Yeah, well, I'm 30 now, so he's what, 22? Okay, I'll be 22 this month, but. And I'm sure he's 16.

[David]

Oh.

[Valerie]

And I was getting married.

[David]

What did he say to you?

[Valerie]

He told me the day that I got married exactly what guys like for women to do. And I was like, no, thanks.

[Jessica]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

He was 16.

[David]

Oh, girl.

[Bert]

Did he sit you down, like, all serious, like. Like, this is something that you and I.

[Valerie]

He was like, valerie, we've always been close, but they're just things that you need to know now. And I was like, excuse, please. And he said, now, when you get married, this is what you need to do for. I was like, oh, how do you know? You shouldn't know these things yet.

[Bert]

16.

[Jessica]

My brother and I have never talked about, like, details. I mean, that's just like, brother and sister shouldn't have those conversations.

[Stacey]

I think it's weird that the guy's 16 and he's given his sister, who's getting married at 20.

[Bert]

Was he getting all detailed about it and stuff?

[Valerie]

What? He was like, if you go downstairs, oh, my God, sort of breathe out your nose.

[Stacey]

Oh, no way. I would say, yes. That's detailed.

[Bert]

Yeah, that's pretty detailed.

[David]

That's mechanical.

[Santa]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Rosa, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Valerie]

Hey, when I was in the fourth grade, they corralled all the girls and all the guys and the separate rooms, and they sent in Sister Mary Michael to tell us about sex.

[Bert]

Fourth grade? No way. And what advice is she giving you?

[Valerie]

Not to do it. Obviously, you shouldn't do it. Abstinence is the best way. But, I mean, coming from a nun. You're in the fourth grade, right? The next day, she follows up with etiquette for the dinner table. You shouldn't clean your ears at the dinner table. I'm just looking at her like, are you serious?

[Bert]

Just yesterday, this nun was giving me sex advice, and today she's telling me I shouldn't clean my ears. All right, thank you.

[Valerie]

You're welcome.

[Stacey]

Bye.

[Bert]

Most calls are about grandparents. I gotta tell you guys. Good morning. All the hits, Q100.

[Valerie]

Good morning.

[Bert]

Hi, Eisha.

[Jessica]

Hi.

[Valerie]

My story was very uncomfortable. When I was 14 years old, I had a new boyfriend, and I brought him over to meet my grandmother, who's the sweetest thing in the whole world. So we're sitting there, and she just loves him. And she's all of a sudden like, well, Aisha, now, don't be doing favors with your body.

[Stacey]

In front of him.

[Valerie]

At 14, I was like, okay.

[Stacey]

Was she saying this in front of your boyfriend?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[David]

That is so funny. They just don't care. My grandmother used to always say, keep your knees together.

[Bert]

Keep your knees together.

[David]

Keep your knees together.

[Bert]

Was that sexual advice?

[David]

Oh, yeah, that was don't do it.

[Stacey]

Or were you just bowlegged?

[David]

No, that was sexual advice. Just, you know, her telling you not to do it.

[Bert]

Keep your knees together.

[David]

Keep your knees together.

[Stacey]

Did she just shout it out randomly or was it.

[David]

Oh, anytime I would ever tell her about a boyfriend or tell a story or whatever, that was always her response.

[Jessica]

Keep your knees together at the dinner table while she was cleaning her ears.

[David]

Yeah, it didn't matter. Hold on.

[Bert]

David, she ever say this to you? Oh, God. Hey, Becky.

[Valerie]

Hey.

[Bert]

Hi.

[Valerie]

My grandmother told me to always check it out first because if it didn't look right, it couldn't possibly be right. Then I need to leave it alone.

[David]

Check it out first.

[Stacey]

I don't know if I understand.

[Bert]

I don't get that.

[Stacey]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Can you break that down for us?

[Valerie]

You need to look at it. Okay. Basically, look at the man first, look at his business first. And if it didn't look right, it couldn't possibly be right. So leave it alone.

[Bert]

She's just saying, leave that whole thing alone. It's just complicated things.

[Valerie]

She said that applies to everything in life, but you really need to really apply it to men in particular.

[Bert]

All right, thank you. We're all looking at each other. Like, what?

[David]

I think that would keep you away from pretty much all men because that just doesn't look right.

[Stacey]

And then they ever. Then they put grandma in a home because she was crazy.

[Bert]

Hey Michelle.

[Valerie]

Hey. How you guys doing this morning?

[Bert]

Good, thanks.

[Valerie]

I have another grandparents story my grandmother told me when I was about 9 or 10. But men are after nothing but the cat.

[Jessica]

Say that again.

[Valerie]

They are after nothing but the cat.

[Bert]

Men are after nothing but the cat, if you know what I'm saying. This is your grandmother.

[Valerie]

Yes, grandma.

[Stacey]

You can't tell that to a 10 year old because then what happens is a guy comes over to the house and you actually hide your cat.

[David]

Lock your cat in the bathroom.

[Stacey]

All right. Hey, there's a man coming. Put goo goo in the closet.

[Bert]

Here's this survey I was telling about by National Council on Aging finds that almost half of us Senior citizens age 60 and older are sexually active.

[David]

Six doesn't seem so bad.

[Bert]

Six doesn't seem that bad to me.

[Jessica]

I don't see. I don't think that's disturbing.

[Bert]

Would it be inappropriate for me to offer a hundred dollars to somebody that wants to call their grandmother on the air to see if she's sexually active?

[Jessica]

Yes. That's rude.

[Stacey]

I think it would be inappropriate. But I also think it signifies you need some assistance. I mean if that's what you want to do. I mean there's a website for that I'm sure.

[Jessica]

Yeah, that's kind of rude.

[Stacey]

I'm okay with rude.

[Bert]

Save that. Morning all the hits. Q100.

[Valerie]

Hey.

[Jessica]

Hello.

[Announcer]

How are ya?

[Valerie]

Mine is not a grandmother story. Mine is my boyfriend's mother.

[David]

Oh no.

[Valerie]

She thought we were close because me and her son were dating for two years. So the night before the prom we had dinner at their house and she brought me upstairs to her room and said if she's any. If he's anything like his father, you'll need this. And she whipped out a personal pleasure tool.

[Jessica]

Oh my God.

[Valerie]

Oh no. And then she proceeded to show me how it works using like a cup. And it was the most scary and traumatic experience ever.

[Jessica]

And you just said this is before prom. How old were you?

[Valerie]

This was the day before prom, So I was 17.

[Jessica]

Oh my God.

[Bert]

Are you kidding?

[Valerie]

I am so not kidding. Don't have nightmares.

[Jessica]

If he's anything like his father, you'll need.

[Bert]

You're going to need this. Oh dang.

[Jessica]

Chase be talking to him instead of her.

[Bert]

Yeah, I think game pretty much over there. Thank you.

[Valerie]

But the thing was though, he was like his father, so.

[Bert]

So you did need to use the advice.

[Valerie]

Probably, yeah. Good advice.

[Bert]

Thank you.

[David]

No way.

[Bert]

Oh no. Oh, no. Hi, Tracy. Yeah, I'm guessing you're gonna be the last call on this.

[Valerie]

After me. No one can stop me.

[Bert]

I hear that.

[Valerie]

Well, it was me and about three or four of my friends with our youth pastor. One weekend, bowling or out to dinner or something. And she sat down and started telling us how to put on a condom with our mouths. And how when you go down on a man, you shouldn't let him choke you because you might throw up on him. It was just so gross. And I'm like, you're my youth pastor. You're supposed to teach me how to pray, not to put on a condom and say sex.

[Bert]

That's the youth pastor.

[Valerie]

That's the youth pastor. And then I found out later from my boyfriend that they separated the men and the women, that her husband told even more detailed descriptions to the men.

[Bert]

So they were like. They decided that this is the thing that they were gonna do, even though the church was against it, that they were gonna pull the kids aside and tell them about all this stuff.

[Valerie]

They told us in detail about safe sex and about how to be better at it.

[David]

The safe sex part, I almost understand that.

[Bert]

The technique.

[David]

Yeah, the mechanical technique. You know, the angles that you need to have. Yeah, they're a little much.

[Jessica]

They were enjoying the dog.

[Valerie]

Brought out a toy and showed us how. Right there, we were eating pizza and showed us how to do it. I was like, wow.

[Bert]

All right, Tracy, Thanks.

[Valerie]

Have a good day.

[Bert]

Bye.

[Jessica]

Bye.

[Bert]

Hey. The bird Show.

[Announcer]

Protect your pet with insurance from Pets Best. Plans start from less than a dollar a day. Visit petsbest.com Pet insurance offered and administered by Pets Best Insurance Services, LLC or underwritten by American Pet Insurance Company or Independence American Insurance Company. For terms and conditions, visit www.petsbest.com. policy products are underwritten by American Pet Insurance Company, Independence American Insurance Co. Or Ms. Transverse Insurance Co. And administered by Pets Best Insurance Services, LLC. $1 a day premium based on 2024 average new policyholder data for accident and illness plans. Pets, age 0 to 10.

[Zoe]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[Drew Ski]

Zoe. This thing weighs a ton.

[Bert]

Drew, Ski. Live with your legs, man.

[Santa]

Santa.

[Bert]

Santa, did you get my letter?

[Drew Ski]

He's talking to you, Bridges.

[Zoe]

I' of course he did.

[Bert]

Right, Santa, you know my elf, Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list.

[Drew Ski]

And elf, I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T mobile. You can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. Right, Mrs. Claus?

[Zoe]

I'm Mrs. Claus's much younger sister. And AT T Mobile there's no trade in needed when you switch so you can keep your old phone or give.

[Bert]

It as a gift.

[Zoe]

And the best part, you can make the switch to T mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[Drew Ski]

Guys, my side of the tree is slipping.

[Bert]

Kimber the holidays are better.

[Santa]

AT T Mobile switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. And now T Mobile is available in US cellular stores with three four monthly bill credits for well qualified customers plus tax and 35 vice connection charge credit sentinel balance due to payout Earlier Cancel Finance Agreement 256 gigs 830 eligible board in a new line 100 plus a month plan with auto pay plus taxes fees required. Check out 15 minutes or less per line. Visit t mobile.com this is the exclusive.

[Bert]

Table with the view.

[Stacey]

This is your name on the list.

[Santa]

This is three times points on dining.

[Bert]

With Chase Sapphire Reserve and a 300 din credit Chase Sapphire Reserve now even more rewarding.

[Santa]

Learn [e-mail] Sapphire Reserve cards issued by JP Morgan, Chase bank and a member FDIC subject to credit approval Influencer Marketing.

[Bert]

Isn'T what it Used to be we're.

[Santa]

Shifting from reach to resonance, from impressions to impact. It's no longer about how many people see your content, it's how deeply you connect with them. And nothing creates that connection quite like podcasts. Acast's podcast pulse 2025 report reveals how podcast creators are redefining influence through resonance, multi platform fandoms and their ability to shape culture. So if you're a marketer who's tired of vanity metrics and looking for meaningful results, podcasts are where you need to be. Download the full research [e-mail].

[Stacey]

I talked to Stacy yesterday afternoon because Bert asked me to put something together for him and she was so happy to help.

[Jessica]

You're talking about Burt's wife, right?

[Stacey]

Yeah, Burt's wife, Stacey.

[Bert]

Well, this was your idea. This was not my idea.

[Stacey]

I know, but.

[Bert]

And I'm not even exactly sure what spawned it. Last week I said something and you were like, I can't believe you don't know that.

[Stacey]

Well, I think we've all talked about it in the meeting that and you've admitted it. You're a little out of touch with everything.

[Bert]

Yeah, well, Stacey and I really kind of have an arrangement that I handle, you know, the professional side of our relationship. I make sure that the checks are coming, the ratings are okay, and she handles everything else.

[Stacey]

Everything but in the course of just being alive for. How old are you? 49? 37. 37 years. In the course. I mean, that's a long time. So in the course of being on this earth for 37 years, there's just stuff you absorb. I mean, there's stuff Jessica takes care of around the house that I, you know, don't know. Like, I'm not involved in, that. She handles, but I still know. Does that make sense?

[Bert]

Yeah, I guess I'm a little different in that if I'm not involved in it, I just check out.

[Stacey]

But can't you just.

[Bert]

Like, I'm very compartmentalized. Like, if I have anything to do with it, if I'm getting my hands dirty, then I'm invested. But if not, then I don't even sweat it. I try not to even think about it.

[Stacey]

And I think that's how this came up in the meeting, because I'll give you a perfect example. In my house, like, Jessica just planted a bunch of. He's had our backyard done. We put, you know, all the sod down, and it had. It looks all pretty now, and there's. It's green. It used to just be a dirt backyard, so now it's green and stuff. And Jessica planted all these rose bushes along the fence that we have, and we have a tree that's going to go in. In the corner, and it's going to be nice. So she had a company come out, and they put little drip thingies that hook up to a timer to water all the stuff. I had zero to do with that. Like, nothing. Like, she did that all on her own. The rose bushes, everything are hers. But just from being in the same house as she is, I know where she bought the rose bushes. I know the name of the company that put the sprinkler system in.

[Bert]

Like, I could, but I. I wouldn't know any of that. Yes, I would have. Absolutely no idea where she goes, what the roses are, where the place she goes to buy that stuff. I'm. I totally check out of that stuff.

[David]

So if your wife, Stacy, came home and was telling you about that stuff, she shares that information with you. It's just in one ear and out the other.

[Bert]

I'm listening to it, but I'm not absorbing it.

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Bert]

I mean, she could tell me that she went to whatever the name of that place is on Roswell Road. The Pikes. Pikes. There you go. But I don't retain any of that.

[Stacey]

And some of that, I think, is. I think the reason it came up is because some of that is important. Like, for example, if Jessica, you know, about once a year she goes and visits her mom out in Hawaii for like two weeks without me. And if I come home from work one day and there's water spewing out of the ground, like, I would just need to know to call the irrigation company, put in that little rose bush bubbler to have him fix it. And you would be.

[Bert]

I'd have to call Stacy in Hawaii at that point. I mean, I have. There have been. There have been times when Stacy has left the city, like, gone to visit friends in Washington, D.C. and I'm in the middle of midtown and I don't know how to get to the highway. And I'd have to call her and go, what road do I take to get to the highway?

[Stacey]

Well, you've done that with me in the car.

[Bert]

That's sad. I know.

[David]

Well, I've been to your house before. Cause I had to stop by and pick something up for Burt's big adventure. When Stacey was going out of town and you were already out of town, so you were gonna be coming back into town and she would still be gone for a week. I could not count the number of purple post it notes telling Bert what to do around the house.

[Bert]

It's almost like it was wallpaper.

[David]

It was comical.

[Bert]

Yeah, it's sad.

[David]

It was really funny. It was like, burt, don't forget this is the on button for the dishwasher.

[Bert]

Right in the bathroom. It said, don't forget, wipe your butt.

[Stacey]

One of the things when to her yesterday, one of the things that she brought up is that if, you know, if she got hit by a bus today and you had to leave the country for some reason, you couldn't get your passport because it's locked in the safe in your house that you don't know the combination of.

[Bert]

Is that what she said? That's absolutely the truth. Yeah. I hadn't even thought of that, actually.

[Stacey]

Who would you call if she got hit by a bus and you had to go leave the country?

[Bert]

Georgianne.

[Stacey]

Yes. Because Stacey's parents know the combination to.

[David]

Birth safe because she told him. He wouldn't absorb it anyway.

[Bert]

Now, she's never told me to call her parents, but that's the first person that comes to mind is call her parents because they know everything.

[Stacey]

Actually, she said her dad.

[Bert]

Her dad.

[Stacey]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Stacey]

And like, another thing I remember is when Stacy was giving birthday, was giving birth to Hayden, Jessica and I went up to just a visit because she remembers she thought she was gonna be in the hospital for a couple weeks because they put her on bed rest. So I think we loaned you guys a DVD player or something for the hospital.

[Jessica]

Portable DVD player.

[Stacey]

And when we brought it up, Stacy's dad happened to be there, and Stacy was showing her dad how to pay bills online because she didn't trust Bert.

[Bert]

I have no idea how to pay our bills online. I've never seen one of our bills in the house. Honestly, I've never seen my paycheck. I have no idea.

[Jessica]

That is what fascinates me.

[Bert]

I have no idea what I make.

[Jessica]

Every two weeks, because even in my house, my mom paid the bills, and dad may not have seen the bills, but to not know your own paycheck is that. That is what fascinates me.

[Bert]

No, I didn't like. I know what my yearly salary is. I just have no idea how much taxes are taken out. I don't. I don't necessarily know the bank that it goes to. Nothing.

[Stacey]

Well, you just figure $11 an hour times 40 hours a week.

[Bert]

Yeah. I mean, I could do the math.

[Santa]

And you're done.

[Stacey]

So I, with Stacy's help, have put together a quiz. And we all have some questions in this quiz, and these are just.

[Bert]

This is like sharks on chum right here. They're starting to circle.

[Stacey]

So we each have three questions for you, and I think we'll set the goal really low.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Stacey]

Out of each of our three questions, your goal should at least be to get one question right from the three of us.

[Jessica]

So three questions total.

[Bert]

Okay. So if I get three of the nine here, we will consider this success.

[Stacey]

83% is a passing grade for Bert in the quiz of real life.

[Bert]

Let's do this.

[Stacey]

You ready?

[Bert]

Go. Burt. Yes.

[Stacey]

You're driving north on 400, and you just passed through the tolls.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Stacey]

Friend calls you and says, I'm at Garrisons and Vinings.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Stacey]

Then hangs up. How do you get there?

[Bert]

I take 285 west, and when I get on it, I call Stacy for the exit. What exit? Are you asking me?

[Stacey]

Well, yeah. How far do you take it? You don't have to give me an exit number, but to Vinings, I would.

[Bert]

Say it's probably about 10 minutes. And I would look for the exit that says Vinings. And then I know how to get to that Vinings Jubilee thing.

[Stacey]

Okay.

[Bert]

And I think that's where the Garrisons is. Right?

[Stacey]

Perfect. I'll give them credit for that.

[Valerie]

All right.

[Jessica]

Good job. Bring it.

[Stacey]

Perfect.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[David]

All right, I've got number two. Speaking of the Tolls. You have a Georgia cruise card in your car. How do you pay that bill?

[Bert]

I'm just gonna be guessing here, but online.

[Stacey]

Gets charged your credit card every month.

[David]

Yeah, that's not right.

[Bert]

Okay, so I would have been wrong on that, but we don't have one of those.

[Stacey]

You have one in Stacy's car.

[Bert]

No, we don't.

[Stacey]

You don't? Uh, I've asked you before, and you said you have.

[Bert]

I have not. We don't have one of those in there. You're very out of touch with what's going on in my life.

[Stacey]

Do you pay 50 cents every time you go through?

[Bert]

Every time? Yeah.

[Stacey]

Well, you don't get a point for that.

[Bert]

Okay? You get minus one for asking me about a cruise card I don't have.

[Jessica]

All right, well, how about this one? Okay. You have a house. You own your home. Who holds your mortgage? Who's your mortgage provider?

[Stacey]

Slow blink.

[Bert]

SunTrust. Bank of America.

[Jessica]

Incorrect. Countrywide. Countrywide Mortgage.

[Bert]

And they're doing a great job, I'm sure.

[Stacey]

You have 10 seconds to answer this question. Okay, you ready?

[Bert]

Yep.

[Stacey]

Tell me your wife's birthday, your mom's birthday, Hayden's birthday, and your wedding anniversary. Ready?

[Jessica]

Brrr.

[Bert]

Okay, take them one at a time. Go ahead.

[Stacey]

Your wife's birthday, May 15th. Your mom's birthday, May 23rd. Hayden's birthday, September 26th. And your wedding anniversary, May 23rd.

[David]

All right, so your mom and your wedding anniversary is the same day.

[Bert]

Yes. When is the 25th? I think. And when is the 23rd? Isn't it?

[Santa]

Yeah.

[Stacey]

You got one of those wrong.

[Bert]

I got one of them wrong? Yeah. Cause I always get the two mixed up. And I always have to quiz Stacey two weeks before my mom's birthday to ask her when my mom's birthday is. Just so I know when our anniversary is. Just ask it backwards.

[Stacey]

I'll give you a half point for that.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Stacey]

All right.

[Bert]

I'm feeling pretty good about things.

[Stacey]

You're doing really good.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[David]

You're doing very well. Okay.

[Bert]

I mean, the mortgage thing, that's a tough one. That's a tough one right there.

[Stacey]

That's a tough one. It's only the largest purchase I've ever made in my entire life.

[David]

Yeah, just the mortgage on your house. Okay. Bert, what is this tool used for? I'm holding for. Everybody listening. Holding up a tool right now. Do you know what that tool is used for?

[Bert]

To cut. To prune.

[David]

To prune.

[Bert]

Is that a pruner?

[David]

It thinks it's a pruner. It's a Wire stripper.

[Bert]

Okay. A wire stripper. Damn you, Stacy.

[Stacey]

How'd you know that one came from her?

[Bert]

Because she's asked me about tools before and I have no idea. Like, one time we were working on a project and she asked me to run downstairs and go get a tool. And I opened up the toolbox and realized I have no idea what she just asked me for.

[Jessica]

Oh, well, that's good that we're talking about the toolbox because I have yet another tool and I wanted to know what this tool is called.

[Bert]

I know that one. I know that one. That one is that one right there.

[Valerie]

God.

[Bert]

As soon as you say an Allen wrench, there you go. That's it. Yeah. Allen wrench.

[Stacey]

All right. I went to the grocery store.

[Bert]

I feel like. Remember the first George Bush when he went through the supermarket and he didn't know what the scanner was and the whole country came down on him? I feel like that right now.

[Stacey]

Here are the items that I got at the grocery store. I have a hundred fluid ounce bottle of original scent Tide laundry detergent.

[Bert]

Liquid tide. Bring it.

[David]

32 loads, right?

[Stacey]

Yeah. What's that? 32. Yep. 32 uses. I've got a half gallon of 1% low fat milk.

[David]

This is like the price is right.

[Stacey]

Four items. I've got just a loaf of bread. I think this is wheat bread. Loaf of bread. And I've got.

[Jessica]

I was like, I know where he's going with this.

[Stacey]

I've got a box of 24 coated genuine bear aspirin, regular size.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Stacey]

I would like you. These were purchased at Kroger today.

[Bert]

What is that?

[Stacey]

I would like you to please pick out the most and least expensive of the two items.

[Bert]

Most and least expensive. And if I get this right, I go to the showcase showdown.

[Stacey]

Exactly.

[David]

Silence.

[Bert]

It's just a shot in the dark.

[David]

Biting his lip, hands on his hips, really concentrating on this one.

[Stacey]

Once again, half gallon of milk. 32 load bottle of Liquid Tide, A loaf of just bread, regular wheat bread and bare aspirin.

[Bert]

I'll go with the milk as cheapest and the detergent as most expensive.

[Stacey]

Milk is least expensive. The detergent is most expensive.

[Bert]

Yes.

[Stacey]

One of those two is right. Just like. And the price is right. Would you like to make a change before the skier falls off the cliff?

[Bert]

The milk. The milk is. The milk is cheap.

[Jessica]

Somebody's got a yodel. Now because of that, skier's going up the cliff.

[Stacey]

You're sure the milk is the cheapest?

[Bert]

The milk is the cheapest.

[Stacey]

Okay, and which one do you think is Most expensive aspirin, bread or detergent?

[Bert]

I'll go with my original answer. I'm gonna go with the Tide. No, you said one of two, so I'll go with the. The aspirin.

[Stacey]

The Aspirin.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Stacey]

You're better off with your first one. The Tide is the most expensive.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Stacey]

And the bread is the least expensive.

[Jessica]

Really? But that's all right. I mean, I. He got it wrong. But I think that's. It wasn't too bad.

[Bert]

Stacy does the shopping every week, so. I mean, I haven't seen the inside of a supermarket and who knows how long.

[Jessica]

I don't think that's too bad.

[Stacey]

How much?

[David]

Always the cheapest.

[Bert]

Bread is always the cheapest.

[Jessica]

But I think most husbands probably would get that wrong, to be honest.

[Stacey]

This is actually a two part question. I forgot.

[Bert]

Yeah, I haven't had to do my own shopping. I mean, it's been 11 years. Probably Stacy's taking care of it from day one.

[Stacey]

I forgot about the second half of the question. Just roughly how much do you think each thing costs? Like how much is 32 ounce bottle of Tide?

[Bert]

659.

[Stacey]

Okay. The milk.

[Bert]

The milk is about a buck 60.

[Stacey]

Okay.

[Bert]

The bread, about 99 cents.

[Stacey]

Cheater. Any aspirin?

[Bert]

3.59.

[Stacey]

You actually did very good.

[Jessica]

So.

[Bert]

Yeah, I left that out of touch.

[Stacey]

On that one, you're off by about a buck. On the Tide, the tide is actually $7.50. You're off by 30 cents. On the milk, it's a buck 90. And you said a buck 60. The bread was $1.30 and the bear was 3.30. And you said 360.

[Jessica]

That's pretty good.

[Bert]

About that.

[Stacey]

Call Bob Barker.

[Bert]

You got another one.

[David]

Yeah. These items were purchased at Kroger. Other than a coupon, what could I have used to save money on the purchase?

[Bert]

Your boobs.

[David]

You're not supposed to guess. This is a bird quiz, honey.

[Bert]

Do that one one more time. One more. Again.

[David]

Other than a coupon, what could I have used to save money on these purchases at Kroger?

[Bert]

One of those Kroger cards. Kroger keychain card things.

[Stacey]

Yeah, Kroger plus card. Okay.

[Bert]

All right. Okay.

[Jessica]

All right, last question. This is deals with here at the station. Okay. What department does Vaughn Honeycutt work in? What department does Vaughn Honeycutt work?

[Bert]

I know this dude. This is a guy that works in the accounting department.

[Jessica]

What?

[Bert]

Yes, yes, yes, Vaughn. I know him. Tall, skinny dude. There you go. Yes. Feeling much better about things. Shut your redneck.

[Santa]

Shut your ridicule.

[Stacey]

Now if you if you come back in after Melissa does her news, we're gonna have producer Tracy in here and she'll tell you what aisle each of these items were in the first show.

[Bert]

When you're a forward thinker, you don't just bring your A game, you bring your AI game. Workday is the AI platform that transforms the way you manage your people, money and agents so you can transform tomorrow Workday, moving business forever forward.

[Announcer]

Protect your pet with insurance from Pets Best Plans start from less than a dollar a day. Visit petsbest.com Pet insurance products offered and administered by Pets Best Insurance Services, LLC are underwritten by American Pet Insurance Company or Independence American Insurance Company for terms and conditions, visit www.petsbest.com. policy products are underwritten by American Pet Insurance Company, Independence American Insurance Company or Ms. Transverse Insurance Company and administered by Pets Best Insurance Services, LLC. $1.00 a day premium based on 2024 average new policyholder data for accident and IL pets age 0 to 10 guys.

[Zoe]

Thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[Drew Ski]

Zoe. This thing weighs a ton.

[Bert]

Drew Ski, lift with your legs, man.

[Santa]

Santa.

[Bert]

Santa, did you get my letter?

[Drew Ski]

He's talking to you, Bridges.

[Bert]

I'm not.

[Zoe]

Of course he did. Right, Santa?

[Bert]

You know my elf Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list and elf.

[Drew Ski]

I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T Mobile. You can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. Right, Mrs. Claus?

[Zoe]

I'm Mrs. Claus's much younger sister and AT T Mobile, there's no trade in needed when you switch, so you can.

[Bert]

Keep your old phone or give it as a gift.

[Zoe]

And the best part? You can make the switch to T Mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[Drew Ski]

Nice. My side of the tree is slipping.

[Bert]

Kimber the holidays are better.

[Santa]

AT T Mobile switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. And now T Mobile is available in US cellular stores. Monthly bill credits for well qualified customers plus tax and $35 device connection charge credits and imbalance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel finance agreement. 256 gigs $830 eligible for it in a new line. $100 plus a month plan with auto pay plus taxes and fees required. Check out 15 minutes or less per line.

[Announcer]

Visit t mobile.com Sorry, that plate's been canceled.

[Stacey]

Wait to see Santa's two hours.

[Zoe]

Take a break from holiday stress with Prime Video.

[Valerie]

Unwrap your next watch.

[Jessica]

From classics to new releases.

[David]

Prime Video it's giving holiday harmony. I was wondering, you know, thinking about reminiscing back on those dating days, like, what were the things on that first date that either may make or break it for the next date? So if a guy, like as the guys, you guys going out with a woman on the first date, what are the things you look for to kind of decode if she is second date worthy?

[Bert]

Jeff.

[Stacey]

Punctuality. Like, I know it's the thing to do, or you got to go and wait for her to finish getting ready, but if she doesn't and then nothing. Is there anything? And this is gonna be there, so it seems so obvious. But is there anything worse than going out on a date with somebody and having them sit there and talk about themselves and never ask a question or shut up?

[Jessica]

See, my.

[Bert]

Always felt like that took pressure off me. I'm like, just go ahead and talk all you want, because I know women love to be heard. So I'm just gonna sit here. Even though I've checked out, I'm thinking about the 78 Super bowl right now. But I know you think that I'm listening, so just keep talking.

[Stacey]

Birds alphabetizing, Padre pictures in his head.

[David]

So what is it? I'm sorry, I was going to ask just to follow up on Chris. Jeff's thing is when a woman is late getting ready, what does that say to you?

[Stacey]

Well, it depends on the lateness. I mean, if it's a few minutes because she's just, you know, whatever. You know, finishing whatever, that's fine. But if it's like, you know, if it's one of those women where you get to the house and they're still wearing, like, you know, their yoga pants and sweatshirt and like, oh, my God. Okay. I'm just running so far behind. I was late at work and run upstairs and then they're upstairs for, you know, 45 minutes getting ready. You hear the shower. Like, that's just rude.

[Bert]

I felt like if I was going to miss. If I was gonna go meet a girl out, if I gave her one hour, and if she didn't show and I didn't get a call, that was it. I was leaving. Wherever. Wherever we were supposed to meet.

[Stacey]

Yeah, I was talking about picking them up at the house, but I guess.

[Jessica]

Same thing going further with the conversation. If they she talks about her ex, then that's it. No way am I going out with her again.

[David]

And what does that mean to you? Like, what does that say about her to you?

[Jessica]

That means at first, I just wonder how long it's been since their relationship broke up. If she's still talking about an ex, then that means that she's not over that ex. So why am I wasting my time? And then, you know, in my situation, when it comes to gay women, that's just such a turn off for me because so many. It just means that it's gonna be something I'm gonna have to deal with that I don't want to deal with. I don't want a third party in our relationship. So absolutely no second date if you talk about your ex.

[Bert]

Yeah. And I think that's the same with any relationship. If you're out on that first date and they can't stop talking about that ex, I gotta wonder if you're over it or not.

[David]

What about this is something I always paid attention to is the way that they treat other people. Like the way they treat the waiter, the way they treat the hostess or something like that. Like if the guy that I was going out with was not nice to the woman at the hostess stand, that was a total red flag. It was like, nope, no second date with this one.

[Bert]

I had a red flag. Also, if she was on her cell phone a lot, then she's thinking I got better things to do than to be hanging out with this guy. And I didn't want to feel like that. So that would have been a red flag for me.

[David]

Too high maintenance or something like that. You're just gon like she's more involved with her friends. Yeah.

[Bert]

Like, I mean, it's supposed to be you and me out on this date, enjoying each other's company, and here you are on the phone every six minutes. So forget it.

[David]

That almost puts out like a codependency thing. Like she's can't stand there on her own. She's like gotta be on the phone with her friends or something like that. Like, I don't know.

[Bert]

She's not there alone.

[Stacey]

She's with me.

[Bert]

So I guess it would say something.

[David]

No, but I mean like a. Like she couldn't be standing there on her own with. On a date with you, being an independent person that she would have to be on the phone or doing other things. Like to me, that would say that she wasn't confident enough just to be there herself.

[Jessica]

Now guys, do you. What about excessive primping? Like if she's so preoccupied with the way she looks, like she checks herself in the mirror every time you even a framed picture, she'll check herself out in the glass or you know she will. I mean, because, you know Women that do that or do the hair flip a lot or, I mean, just so, I don't know, animated in her, you know, outward appearance.

[Bert]

One woman can totally ruin you of that. I dated this girl, and I think I've told you guys about Janie before, that she would take 90 minutes to get ready, and she would. She was really, really pretty. 90 minutes to get ready. And sometimes after that 90 minutes, she'd look at herself in the mirror and decide that she was too ugly to go out. And she'd be so stressed out about it that it was no fun to go out. So after that experience, I was really, like, uber sensitive to any woman that was totally looking at themselves and superficial that way.

[Stacey]

I also have an issue with a woman who is highly critical of herself, who does the old. Poor me. Like, if, you know, if you say something like, hey, do you. You know, do you want. Like, do you want to try my. Whatever you're having? Or, hey, do you want to split a dessert? Oh, no, I can't. Look how fat I am. I'm so fat, you know, or whatever. And, like, it does that. God, I wish I was tall as that girl or, you know, short like that girl. Or you think my hair is. Oh, my hair is just terrible. To, like, you gotta have a little bit of confidence. Like, I don't want to hear you whining about things that are wrong with you.

[Bert]

You know, excessive cattiness on the first date. The cattiness can come, like, in a month. But if I'm out with you and you're already picking apart everybody that walks by, to me that was like, why are you doing this? To make yourself feel better.

[Jessica]

And the combination of both. If she's picking at you, she asks you questions about what you do or, you know, what you do in your spare time or hobbies or whatever. If she, instead of downing herself, downs you and criticizes you for. I mean, because I've had that experience before where I answer a question and then they slam me for it. I'm like, why are you spending your time with me? But it's almost like a. I don't know, like, it.

[Bert]

They slamming you for it. They just have a difference of opinion.

[Jessica]

No, I mean, it's almost. They're just being overly critical, and it's almost like a they. The vibe I got was she was being just kind of like she was insecure instead of. I don't know. It was just weird. It was weird because I would just. It was a casual conversation, and she would ask me questions and if you ask somebody a question, it's like, you're interested, and then I would answer the question, and then she would, like, make fun of.

[David]

Do you think I was trying to be humorous? Like, that was just a terrible sense of humor maybe.

[Jessica]

Yeah, she didn't have a good sense of humor. And it just. Yeah, it just came across as like, I, I can't do this. You know, Like, I.

[David]

It. That.

[Jessica]

That's too much work. You know, Like, I don't. You know, the criticism of everything I do comes later in the relationship, not on the first day.

[David]

Exactly. What about women who say thank you or don't say thank you?

[Bert]

Yeah, I would pick up on that instantly.

[David]

If they don't say thank you enough or if they say it too, like, can anybody say thank you too much?

[Bert]

I don't think so.

[Stacey]

Not according to that commercial.

[Bert]

What commercial?

[Stacey]

The one where the witnesses. The produce department says, are you pregnant? No, thank you. Everything's okay now.

[Jessica]

Do you mean thank you to us or thank you to the people around? I think.

[David]

I think just in general, I always wonder, you know, I always kind of pick out, you know, if, you know, if the server brings over something that you specially asked for and the guy for. Well, for me, for the guy, just completely ignoring the service people, to me is rude. You know, when they bring over the bottle of wine, say thank you. When they over the appetizers, or ask you if you need anything else, and you say, no, I'm fine, you know, or, no, we're just fine, thank you. You know what I mean? It's just like. It's a politeness. I think it says a lot about a person, how much and how. And when they say thank you, it.

[Stacey]

Goes back to, didn't you say. But the way they treat other people. Yeah, same thing, right?

[Bert]

Did any of the people that we're currently married to give you guys any red flags on the first date, but you like to look past them?

[David]

Oh, that's a good question. I got to think about that for a minute.

[Stacey]

It.

[Bert]

Jessica, she was gassy. But you like that. That's no red flag for you. That's a green light.

[Stacey]

No, I. It was weird to us because we were friends, and so, I mean, there.

[Bert]

Was no real first date kind of thing.

[Stacey]

Yeah, yeah. The official first date. I kind of got some, so that probably was a red flag for her, too.

[Bert]

I don't. I don't. I can't remember any with Stacy, but Stacy constantly brings up. And I don't. I still don't recall this but she swears that on our very first date, I had a sweatshirt tucked into my je. I still don't believe that happened. I still don't believe it.

[Stacey]

I fully believe that. And you know. Are you going to. Is tonight your homecoming game?

[Bert]

Yes.

[Stacey]

Will you go to your homecoming game with a sweater tucked into your jeans?

[Bert]

Oh, no, no, no, no. I won't do that.

[Stacey]

It'll be like, don't you want to go back to the early days? No.

[Bert]

I still don't believe it happened. There was nothing about Ryan at all that gave you any kind of red flag?

[David]

Yeah, there was. There were two. Because when I met him, you know, he was in a band at that point, and there were two girls trailing him pretty big time when he had already asked me to see him the next night or whatever. And we had gone on our date. Our first date was a daytime date. And then we had gone to the concert again that following night. There were two shows back to back nights, and we had gone to the concert the following night. And those two girls that were trailing him the first night were trailing him again the second night. And I thought, oh, do I want.

[Bert]

To deal with this all the time?

[David]

I don't know about this one.

[Stacey]

Get it?

[Bert]

The Birch Show.

[Zoe]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree, Zoe.

[Drew Ski]

This thing weighs a ton.

[Bert]

Drewy, lift with your legs, man.

[Santa]

Santa.

[Bert]

Santa, did you get my letter?

[Drew Ski]

He's talking to you, britches.

[Bert]

I'm not that.

[Zoe]

Of course he did. Right, Santa?

[Bert]

You know my elf Drew here, he handles the nice list.

[Drew Ski]

And elf. I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T Mobile, you can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. Right, Mrs. Claus?

[Zoe]

I'm Mrs. Claus's much younger sister. And AT T Mobile, there's no trade in needed when you switch. So you can keep your old phone.

[Bert]

Or give it as a gift.

[Zoe]

And the best part, you can make the switch to T Mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[Drew Ski]

Guys, my side of the tree is slipping.

[Bert]

Kimber, the holidays are better.

[Santa]

AT T Mobile, switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. And now T Mobile is available in US cellular stores with 24 month bill credits for well qualified customers plus tax and $35 device connection charge. Credit balance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel Finance Agreement. 256 gigs, $830 eligible for in a new line. $100 plus a month plan with auto pay plus taxes, fees required. Check out 15 minutes or less per line.

[David]

Visit t mobile.comvrbo helps you swap gift.

[Announcer]

Wrap time for quality time.

[David]

Go to Verbo now and book a last minute week long stay and save.

[Announcer]

Over $390 this holiday season. Book your next vacation rental home on verbo. Average savings $396 select homes only.

[Bert]

ACAST.

[Stacey]

Powers the World's Best Podcasts Here's a show that we recommend. The world of commercial real estate is changing and fast. Welcome to in the Loop. We're diving into the topics that hit the hardest. We'll explore what's happening today.

[Announcer]

The benefits of biophilia in the workplace.

[Jessica]

Place can be decreased stress and irritability.

[Bert]

Tomorrow. How can you bring components of the 15 minute city of the urban grid, the things people like, the gathering places and beyond.

[Zoe]

When you start thinking about the future and start thinking about these things are coming in 2030 or 2040 or 2050.

[Bert]

Then you can go, okay, now how do I actually take actions today to make that happen?

[Stacey]

Subscribe to in the Loop wherever you get your podcast. ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

[Bert]

Acast.com.