Full Show PT 3: Monday, January 5 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Monday, January 5 [Vault] (January 5, 2026)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show explores two main themes: the struggles and comedic woes of potty training young children, and the surprising ways everyday people encounter blackmail. The show blends earnest parenting confusion, lighthearted group banter, and jaw-dropping listener calls about personal experiences with blackmail, highlighting the authentic, unfiltered style that’s become The Bert Show’s signature.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Potty Training Mayhem: Bert’s Parenting Dilemma (01:36–13:14)

• Bert’s Struggles: Bert candidly admits his family is lost with potty training their two-and-a-half-year-old son, Hayden. Despite following the parenting books, “it’s a poop fest” at home. Positive reinforcement is working for pee, but not for poop.
• Listener Input & Advice:
  • Karen’s Potty Parties: “We did potty parties... every time that we got them to go potty, we got the little things you blow at birthday parties... and gave them a Skittle each time.” (04:41)
  • Cassie’s Consistency: Cassie strongly advises: “Do not go back to diapers, Bert.” (06:41)
  • Stickers/Tattoos: Several parents recommend stickers, temporary tattoos, and even mini M&Ms as rewards.
  • Letting Kids Watch: Cassie suggests letting the child see you go. Bert admits, “She wanted me to show him number one and number two, and that’s where I drew the line. I'm like, that's crazy talk." (06:56)
  • Cereal Trick: A nanny calls in with the creative idea to use cereal pieces as “targets” in the toilet. Success is rewarded with a toy train after a streak of days (07:30–08:19).
  • Don’t Force or Rush: Amy warns: “If you force kids, that’s the worst thing you can do because then they’re petrified of it.” (09:38)
  • Mixed Approaches: Some callers say to stick with it, others advocate backing off if the child isn’t ready—leading to some confusion for Bert.
• The Panel’s Confusion & Humor: The team jokes about the process, and Bert sums up: “I’m still confused on how long you go before it’s not working out before you back off... haven’t figured out anything.” (11:24)

Notable Quotes:

• “It’s like a minefield in my house sometimes.” – Bert Weiss (03:17)
• “She wanted me to show him number one and number two, and that’s where I drew the line.” – Bert Weiss (06:56)
• “Do not go back to diapers, Bert.” – Cassie, Caller (06:41)
• “If you force kids, that’s the worst thing you can do because then they’re petrified of it.” – Amy, Caller (09:38)

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2. Modern Paparazzi & Blackmail: Digital Cameras and Compromising Photos (13:14–19:41)

• Jeff’s New Gadget: Jeff recounts buying a small digital camera for his girlfriend, Jessica, leading to a night out where candid and embarrassing photos are taken and posted online, sparking requests for removal.
• Bert’s Embarrassment: “He had these really close-up pictures of that lump on my head... so embarrassed by it that I didn’t want somebody downloading it and then sending it around.” (15:31)
• The Downside of Oversharing: The show discusses how easily digital photos can lead to uncomfortable situations or even blackmail, with Jeff observing: “This is how blackmail begins.” (17:04)
• Humorous Take: Olivia jokes about the prospect of blackmailing friends for money to keep photos private (17:33).
• Prompt for Listener Stories: The topic naturally shifts to real-life blackmail, with Bert inviting listeners to share their experiences: “I think it’s such an interesting question because you see blackmail all the time in movies and on TV, but... it never really happens in everyday life.” (18:42)

Notable Quotes:

• “It’s like having your own private paparazzi around.” – Bert Weiss (14:20)
• “This is how blackmail begins.” – Jeff (17:04)

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3. Jaw-Dropping Listener Blackmail Stories (19:41–29:08)

Story 1: Car Keying & Sexual Blackmail (19:55–24:13)

• Caller Ashley, under voice disguise, tells the story of drunkenly keying a man’s car and being caught on camera. The owner demands sexual favors in exchange for not pressing charges:

  • “He started calling... and would demand sexual favors to keep it quiet.” (20:26)
  • She reluctantly complied over 20 times, only escaping after changing cities and her identity.
  • “Now I sound like the lowest paid whore in Atlanta. Really.” (23:16 – self-deprecating but powerful moment)

  Panel’s Reaction: Shock and empathy; Melissa and Olivia remark on the awfulness of both the original vandalism and the man’s actions.

Story 2: Roommate Blackmailing Over Infidelity (24:46–27:07)

• Suzanne, also anonymized, shares that her roommate blackmailed her into traveling and even having sex with someone she disliked by threatening to reveal an infidelity to her fiancé:
  • “She said, you have to. And so I did. And I thought that would be the end of it but it certainly didn’t turn out that way.” (26:37)
• Panel notes the extreme personal cost and violation.

Story 3: Sex Tape Threat and Parent Blackmail (27:18–29:08)

• Caller “Melanie” admits her ex-boyfriend threatened to send an intimate tape to her parents if she broke up with him. She eventually broke into his apartment and stole the tape.
  • “He said if I stopped seeing him… he was going to send my parents the tape.” (28:14)
  • “Prayed to God that it was the only copy. It hasn’t turned up so far.” (28:34)
  • Panel marvels at the "movie-like" drama and stakes.

Panel’s Takeaway:

• The group is both stunned and empathetic, reiterating the very real and hurtful nature of blackmail, especially with digital evidence.
• Bert: “Could there be anything worse than that?... Break into the house and get the tape. It’s like right out of a movie.” (28:50)

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Additional Memorable Moments

• Running Jokes: Multiple digs about “spoiled rotten” kids (11:04), blackmail envelopes in parks (19:20), and Jeff joking he needs “a cousin in Louisiana” for blackmail (29:13).
• Panel Chemistry: The hosts support each other through parenting anxiety and incredulous reactions to listener stories, keeping the tone real but compassionate.

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Important Timestamps

• Potty Training Dilemmas Begin: 01:36
• Listener Parenting Advice: 04:27 – 12:03
• Digital Camera Night & Accidental Blackmail: 13:14 – 19:41
• Listener Blackmail Call 1 (Ashley): 19:55 – 24:13
• Listener Blackmail Call 2 (Suzanne): 24:46 – 27:07
• Listener Blackmail Call 3 (Melanie): 27:18 – 29:08

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Tone & Style

The conversation swings between comedic, self-deprecating, and, at times, deeply serious. The panel is unfiltered, playful, and always real, embracing embarrassment as part of daily life while giving a safe space for even the most intense listener confessions.

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Summary

This episode is a quintessential Bert Show mix—hilarious, honest, and occasionally jaw-dropping. Whether it’s the panic of a potty-training parent or the unexpected darkness of blackmail in everyday life, it’s a wild, engaging ride underscored by the hosts’ authenticity and quick wit. For listeners who missed the episode, this is a must-catch for the stories alone.

Transcript

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[Bert Weiss]

Hey, the Birch Show. All right, I need a little help from parents. I know this is going to be pretty boring for those of you that don't have kids, but just bear with me for a couple of seconds because my house is just a. It's a poop fest right now, is what it is.

[Jeff]

You or Stacy or Hayden?

[Bert Weiss]

Well, it was me for a while because I'm getting to that age.

[Melissa]

Yeah, right.

[Bert Weiss]

But it's Hayden and potty training and we're really kind of in the dark about it. So I almost felt like I'd like to do an idiot's guide to potty training because we are totally clueless about it right now.

[Jen]

That would be great. How old is Hayden now?

[Bert Weiss]

He's two and a half.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Bert Weiss]

And I think like between two and three, I think is when kids Start to get potty trained. But as I understand it, and we don't have a lot of friends. I think part of the reason why we're so in the dark is we don't have a lot of friends that have kids that are Hayden's age. So we're trying to do it kind of like blindsided. And I think Stacy's picked up like baby wise potty training book, but she's only gotten through a couple of pages so far. And we're failing miserably at it right now. Here's how we understand it's supposed to happen. Like once the child says to you something about potty, then that's like the red light. Okay, it's time to start potty training. Once that happens, you're supposed to put them on the toilet every 45 minutes and you do some positive reinforcement things. And then eventually, after about two weeks, they say, or a week and a half, he should be telling you when he needs to go to the bathroom so you don't have to constantly be running in there every 45 minutes or an hour. We haven't found that to be the case. So we're still running in there every 45 minutes. And while he's doing pretty good with number one, number two, not so good. So he's pooping all over the house.

[Jen]

Oh, no.

[Bert Weiss]

I mean, yeah.

[Melissa]

Now, how old is Hayden again?

[Bert Weiss]

It's like a minefield in my house sometimes.

[Melissa]

How old is Hayden again?

[Bert Weiss]

He's about two and a half.

[Melissa]

Okay. Because I was gonna say, I mean. Cause I think we talked about this a little off air. And I have heard also that boys are do it later than girls. Right? Potty training.

[Jen]

I've heard that.

[Melissa]

Cause I wonder if he's a little early at two and a half.

[Bert Weiss]

Okay, maybe so. I don't know. I guess my question here also is. And the calls are starting to come in now. I guess my question is how long do you go before you realize that it's just not right? Also because we're two weeks into this and the one thing that Stacey did read is about a week and a half, two weeks, if they haven't figured it out, just go back to the diapers. But we almost feel like, I don't know, we feel like we're. We're halfway home right now. We're halfway home. He's got number one. He's got number one down.

[Jen]

Does he have the pull up diapers that he can pull up and off by himself? Right?

[Bert Weiss]

Yes.

[Jen]

So they're kind of like Underwear?

[Bert Weiss]

Yeah, but they're diapers. Right? And they're not really even diapers. They don't absorb as much. So the theory is that the child's supposed to be uncomfortable if he does that in his pants. Right. So he'll start complaining and not want to do that anymore, but. But not my kid. He's got no problem with that at all. He's playing in the poo. Play in the poo. No worries. So, the Idiot's Guide to Potty Training. I won't spend a lot of time on this, but you guys could sure help me out. Good morning, Karen.

[Karen]

Hey, Bert. Good morning.

[Bert Weiss]

Good morning. Can you help me out here?

[Karen]

Well, I can offer a little bike. That worked for us. I have two little boys, and we did potty parties for the both of them.

[Olivia]

Potty parties.

[Jeff]

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

[Karen]

And every time that we got them to go potty, we got the little. You know, the little things you blow at the birthday parties. The little streamer things that.

[Bert Weiss]

Yeah, the little.

[Karen]

Yeah, we did those. And then we gave them. And this is really terrible, but we gave them a Skittle each time that they went potty. It took two weeks.

[Bert Weiss]

Oh, really? Okay. Now we've been using, like, those little mini M and Ms. That, too.

[Karen]

Yeah. I just didn't give my kids too much chocolate, so we chose the Skittles.

[Bert Weiss]

But either way, I think the one thing that Stacy's read about this also is that stickers seem to be, like, a really great positive reinforcement thing. So every time he goes, he gets to put a sticker on the back of his little potty toilet.

[Karen]

That, too. We did tattoos.

[Bert Weiss]

You did tattoos. Okay. And that worked for you? And in two weeks, everything was fine.

[Karen]

Done.

[Caller/Listener]

Yep.

[Bert Weiss]

And how old were your kids when they started?

[Karen]

They were. My little one was two and a half, like Hayden.

[Bert Weiss]

Okay.

[Karen]

My older son was almost three and a half.

[Bert Weiss]

So if you were two weeks into this and it wasn't working out so well for you, would you continue doing it or would you go back to the diapers?

[Karen]

I would. I would continue.

[Bert Weiss]

Okay. Thank you.

[Karen]

Okay. Have a great day.

[Bert Weiss]

You, too.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Bye now.

[Jen]

But did you hear what she said about her older son? That he was three and a half, so might take a little longer than you're hoping.

[Bert Weiss]

Good morning, Cassie. The Idiot's Guide to Potty Training.

[Karen]

Hi, guys. Hey. Hi, Jen. It's Cassie.

[Jen]

Hi, Cassie.

[Karen]

My husband's Interact. Cassie.

[Jen]

Yeah, Cassie came out to the Atlanta guy without a shirt promotion a couple weeks ago.

[Bert Weiss]

Oh, sidebar. How did that go?

[Karen]

Yeah, yeah. Good to get out. But my husband started potty training Eli at 16 months. We started because my daughter was done at 18 months. So we started at 16 months. And what we did is in the morning, you get them up and put them on the toilet.

[Caller/Listener]

We did it.

[Karen]

Basically every two hours they go. And then he gets. We have a gumball machine. And Eli's 20. Eli's 20. He's two years old. He's exactly two years old. And I just trip train him every two hours. Now that I'm at home and not teaching, I take him every two hours and put him on the potty and I have the stickers. That's a good idea. But you know what? Boys take longer than girls. Do not go back to diapers, Bert.

[Bert Weiss]

Do not go back the other way.

[Karen]

Don't go back.

[Bert Weiss]

Okay.

[Karen]

You got to get rid of what you used to do and keep trying to go forward and do the pull ups. And it's going to take longer than two weeks. Girls could be maybe two weeks. And let him see you go.

[Bert Weiss]

Yeah, I've done that deal.

[Karen]

Not in the shower.

[Bert Weiss]

Yeah. Stacy and I have argued that point like for a while there. She wanted me to show him number one and number two, and that's where I drew the line. I'm like, that's crazy talk right there. No one is sitting there pooping in front of their kid.

[Jen]

Number one was okay with you?

[Bert Weiss]

Yeah, that's fine. But I'm not. Yeah. What are you. She's out of her mind.

[Jeff]

Somebody should call.

[Bert Weiss]

That is a little gross. It is a little gross. And I thought for sure I wouldn't get. I got. When we started talking about that months ago, people were emailing me going, yep, that's why I did it. No problem. I pooped in front of my kid. And I think you're all nuts. I think you're all crazy. Good morning. All the hits. Q100. Good morning.

[Karen]

Okay, I know this sounds funny, but I'm a nanny and I have a six year old girl and that's a four year old boy. And when I was going through potty training, we used to cereal and we would let him pick out his cereal and we would say, okay, you got to shoot the target.

[Bert Weiss]

Oh, really?

[Karen]

So it was fun. So he had it. After he got done, he got to see how many he dunked.

[Bert Weiss]

That's kind of a trick shot that right there, though, because he's sitting down on the potty to start out. Right.

[Karen]

Well, that's the thing, you know, the kids don't realize that and once.

[Caller/Listener]

I know this sounds gross, but once.

[Karen]

It goes in the potty, it sticks to it.

[Bert Weiss]

Got it. So every shot is a good shot.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Karen]

And so after he. If he would go like three, I think it was like three days, he would get a Thomas train because he was big in his Thomas trains. And so at the end, he would go get a Thomas train.

[Caller/Listener]

But we would.

[Karen]

And we would also set a cooking timer, and I did it for 30 minutes when it was the potty, when we had to go do number one. But when it came to number two, we would set it for 50.

[Bert Weiss]

So every. Every 20. And every 50 minutes you were in that bathroom with him?

[Karen]

Well, when it came to number two, I was in there every 50 minutes.

[Bert Weiss]

Wow. Okay.

[Karen]

So, I mean, it worked for me. But do not go back to the pull up.

[Bert Weiss]

Do not go back. Once you start, do not go back.

[Jeff]

Do not go back to the pull ups.

[Bert Weiss]

Do not go back to the pull ups.

[Jen]

Here's a question. Once he's on the potty, you know, we were doing this 45 minutes thing.

[Bert Weiss]

Yeah. How long.

[Jen]

I mean, do kids go every 45 minutes or, like, how long do you let him sit there before you know it's not gonna happen?

[Bert Weiss]

He's been going every 45 minutes, so it hasn't been like a real big struggle. Like, he gets on there sometimes and he gets distracted.

[Caller/Listener]

So.

[Bert Weiss]

But if you make him look down, that's when he. Then he goes every 45 minutes. What do you mean, number one? Number one, he looks down inside the toilet and that's when he'll start going. But other than that. Yeah, he's just kind of looking around the bathroom how often they. Number two, it's. Well, he's only going once a day, so.

[Jen]

But he's on the potty every 45 minutes.

[Bert Weiss]

Number one, to do number one. Right.

[Jen]

So you're not forcing him to number two every 45.

[Bert Weiss]

No, you can't say. Yeah, because I'm like, you can't force out.

[Jen]

You're going to torture the child, and then he's going to have a bad number two experience his whole life.

[Bert Weiss]

Good morning, Amy.

[Karen]

Hey. I was just calling to say, you know that they say if you force kids, that's the worst thing you can do because then they're petrified of it.

[Caller/Listener]

But. And I found that true with my.

[Karen]

Oldest, who will be four this month. But, you know, we tried the. At 18 months because everybody was saying, oh, you should start trying at 18 months.

[Caller/Listener]

Because she was fascinated with the potty. And it didn't work. It did not work.

[Karen]

I had terrible experience from it.

[Caller/Listener]

So we had that. We backed off for a little bit.

[Karen]

And then we did the bought a big calendar and put it up in.

[Caller/Listener]

The potty in the bathroom, and then.

[Karen]

She got to put stickers on it.

[Caller/Listener]

And then we did the buyer surprise.

[Karen]

Every couple of days, and she went without any accidents or whatever.

[Caller/Listener]

But number two, issue took about a month.

[Bert Weiss]

Okay, and how long did you go trying and failing before you decided to go back to the diapers?

[Karen]

Well, the first time we did it.

[Caller/Listener]

For like a month.

[Karen]

And then we realized that she just wasn't ready. And then so we backed off and for about. And then for about another month, we did the diapers and then we went. And then she came. About a month later, she came to me. She's like, mommy, I need to go potty.

[Bert Weiss]

Oh, really?

[Caller/Listener]

I said, okay, okay. So we went. So, I mean, it's just you have.

[Karen]

To kind of watch your own, you.

[Caller/Listener]

Know, with your first kid, because you.

[Karen]

From listening to you every morning, it's.

[Caller/Listener]

Kind of like with me that your first kid's rotten, and my first child is rotten and is rotten. Spoiled, I should say. You know, they get spoiled rotten.

[Bert Weiss]

Spoiled rotten.

[Caller/Listener]

I got you spoiled rotten. My oldest is very. So it was kind of like a trial and game era with her that we did with the potty training.

[Bert Weiss]

It's like you get such conflicting information. Like, on one hand, they tell you that once they start, don't go back. But then you get the information also that you can't press them because if you press them, then they're not going to do it.

[Jeff]

So.

[Bert Weiss]

So to me, I'm still confused on how long you go before it's not working out for you, before you back off it because you don't want to scar him from going to the bathroom, you know, I don't know. Haven't figured out anything.

[Jen]

So he's doing the number one at 45 minutes just fine. But the number two thing he hadn't figured out yet.

[Bert Weiss]

Number two, he's not. Yeah, he's not telling us. And even number one, he's been having quite, like, a lot of accidents and stuff when he's in school. So we're just not exact. We still don't know if we should continue doing it or go backwards.

[Jen]

And of course, from the birth show.

[Bert Weiss]

Listeners, we get 50. 50.

[Jeff]

Can you exchange him for a new kid?

[Bert Weiss]

Two puppies. Hey, you want to trade? No, no. Hey, the bird show.

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Did I talk too much? Can't I Just let it go.

[Bert Weiss]

Wish I would stop.

[Jeff]

Thank you so much.

[Melissa]

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[Bert Weiss]

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[Melissa]

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[Jeff]

I'm going to take a page out of the Bert Weiss Radio Handbook where it only takes one phone call.

[Bert Weiss]

We had one of those earlier.

[Jeff]

Yeah, it only takes one phone call. I mean, it's good. There's. Well, here's the story. Jessica and I, you know, if you've ever seen us, we come back from vacation, love to take pictures, take a ton of pictures. We have pictures on the wall in our house. We have photo albums, whatever. But one of her complaints was that she, you know, the cameras that we use, I always buy like nice cameras because I want to take nice pictures, but it's not convenient to carry in a tiny little going out purse, which she wears. I'm not gonna sling a camera over my shoulder to go to Vision or something. So in the store a few days ago and I find this digital camera that's like three inches long, half inch thick. It's a good quality camera. It's on sale and I bought it. So it has been living in Jessica's purse since then.

[Jen]

And you're in like gadget heaven.

[Melissa]

Yeah, it's cool.

[Jeff]

I mean, it's a cool basement.

[Bert Weiss]

It's annoying and I'll tell you why in a second.

[Jeff]

Well, it's only annoying because you are one of the people that I'm about to talk about.

[Bert Weiss]

Every time you go out with Jeff now, he's got this camera and he's snapping pictures left and right. There's not a private moment. It's like having your own private paparazzi Around. Or the guy from American Beauty.

[Melissa]

I love that.

[Jen]

Let's go out more often.

[Jeff]

So we go to Vision on Saturday night, which, you know, as fun as it was, there were some ugly moments. Seabirds, Ali and. But the camera was out, and I was probably only holding it a third of the time. Like it was just getting passed around and people were taking pictures of their friends, whatever, yada, yada.

[Bert Weiss]

You must have given it to Rodney Ho.

[Jeff]

Yeah, no, he brought his own. But, you know, so everybody was taking different pictures. And so when I got home, it was cool to download them all and look at them all and see all the stuff, like, stuff that I didn't even see happening. But somebody was holding the camera and caught on, you know, got caught on film. And then I put them up on a site so I could share them with everybody who participated in that evening. Well, I got more than one phone call with requests to remove pictures. I'm not gonna name who it was or what was going on in the pictures, but more than one phone call to take pictures down off the website for one reason or another.

[Bert Weiss]

Yeah, I'll volunteer and say I was the first.

[Jen]

I was gonna say, is one of them a married man staring at you right now?

[Bert Weiss]

Yeah, but it didn't have anything to do with married. It just had to do with. I mean, he had these really close up pictures of that lump on my head as soon as it. And I was just so embarrassed by it that I didn't want somebody downloading it and then sending it around. Cause I'm embarrassed by the whole situation.

[Jen]

I only was describing you as married because there's two men in the room staring at Jeff, and you're the only married one.

[Jeff]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Weiss]

Okay.

[Jen]

Yeah. I wasn't saying it, like, in reference to the picture.

[Melissa]

She wasn't talking about me.

[Jeff]

Well, Bert wanted to take it down because he didn't want his, you know, his head twin to be sent all around the broadcast.

[Bert Weiss]

And it's just embarrassing.

[Jeff]

But there were other people who wanted him down because some people were doing things they shouldn't have been doing. Doing. Other people were touching people they shouldn't have been touching. Some people were showing things they shouldn't have been showing, like.

[Melissa]

And. But see, Jeff, don't you take some responsibility knowing that you are putting these. I mean, it's almost like what happens at Vision stays at Vision. And you're. You were putting it on the Internet.

[Jeff]

I never heard that rule.

[Melissa]

But, I mean, these are your friends that are getting drunk and doing things that they normally do.

[Jeff]

And they were all there and you.

[Melissa]

Were taking pictures of it.

[Bert Weiss]

And Melissa's saying. And there you are taking compromising positions.

[Melissa]

You're weird.

[Bert Weiss]

Pictures of all your friends.

[Jeff]

I didn't take most of them. Like, I was shocked when I got them. Like, I. These are. People were doing stuff in pictures that they wouldn't have done in front of me.

[Bert Weiss]

Right.

[Jeff]

So anyways.

[Melissa]

So you were laughing when you posted them?

[Jeff]

Yes. So the phone calls came in yesterday. Hey, man, would you mind taking down number 101? Hey, if it's cool. Is there any way. So I just, you know, I took them down. I'm not out to get anyone or anything, but I started to think, this is how blackmail begins.

[Bert Weiss]

True.

[Jeff]

I've obviously got a photograph.

[Bert Weiss]

Oh, oh.

[Jen]

Who are you gonna blackmail?

[Jeff]

Well, that's the thing. Like I could.

[Bert Weiss]

He's got a couple of names that he really. I mean, I mean. Cause if my pictures are up and it's just a lump on my head and they're sitting around, it's embarrassing. But there's nothing that could really get me in trouble with my family or friends about. He's got pictures of people that would really be incriminating.

[Olivia]

Do the listeners know the website?

[Jeff]

No.

[Bert Weiss]

No. And we're not gonna tell them?

[Jeff]

We're not going to.

[Bert Weiss]

No.

[Olivia]

Oh, well, see, I was gonna start blackmailing people.

[Jeff]

Why?

[Olivia]

Send me some money. Western Union by 10 o' clock or.

[Bert Weiss]

I'll give out the website. That's a good point. It is a good point.

[Jeff]

So anyways, so there's. That's how blackmail begins. So if this ever occurs again, because I fully intend on having the camera. Cause pictures are cool. So if this comes up again at some point in the future, you're gonna.

[Melissa]

Start losing a lot of friends. They're gonna stop inviting you out.

[Bert Weiss]

See, that's a plus for Jeff. He doesn't want a lot of friends anyway.

[Jeff]

Listen, just behave yourself. If you're not hitting yourself in the head with a beer bottle, then you don't have a lump on the website.

[Jen]

Well, Bert doesn't have much to worry about. That's just kind of vanity. It's just embarrassing, ugly pictures up of you.

[Bert Weiss]

Worst comes to worst. Yeah, I mean, listeners download it, they think I'm an idiot. You probably already do. Not a big deal. But there are some in there where there are some people hooking up that should not be hooking up.

[Jen]

Relationships that we know would be over.

[Jeff]

So anyways, dude, I gotta know who it is. For future reference, for future reference, is there anyone listening Right now, who is currently in or has ever been in a blackmail situation?

[Bert Weiss]

And I think it's such an interesting question because you see blackmail all the time, like in movies and on tv, but it doesn't seem to me like it's anything that's really ever viable. Like, every now and then I guess you hear about, like, a movie star or a baseball player that's being blackmailed, but it never really happens in everyday life. So I'm really interested to see if we'll even get one phone call from somebody that has ever been in any kind of blackmail situation at all.

[Melissa]

I bet, like divorces around, divorces around, any kind of legal action. I bet there's been those at least in the movies. The manila envelopes where you have pictures in black and white and you're meeting behind a park somewhere, that type stuff.

[Jeff]

Maybe that's what I should do, is blow these up to like 8 by 10 on black and white.

[Bert Weiss]

Good God.

[Jeff]

Let's put them in an envelope. And then I. I go there and they slide over. They set down a briefcase full of cash, and I sit down a briefcase that just has that envelope in it. And then we get up and leave.

[Bert Weiss]

And take the other briefcase.

[Jen]

So if anybody calls with a blackmail story, we can put them on the voice.

[Bert Weiss]

Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure.

[Jeff]

Absolutely.

[Bert Weiss]

If you've ever been in any kind of blackmail, you were the one doing the blackmailing. You got blackmailed. You knew of somebody. Want to know if this happens in real, real people time? We need the voice disguiser for all of these calls. And these are all fake names also. Good morning, Ashley. You're on all the hits q100.

[Caller/Listener]

Hi.

[Olivia]

Hi.

[Bert Weiss]

You're on the voice disguiser. No way we can recognize your voice.

[Caller/Listener]

Okay, good.

[Bert Weiss]

What's up?

[Caller/Listener]

So, yeah, about three years ago, I keyed some guy's car in a drunken fit. Really? In the city of Atlanta. And I get a call from his lawyer about a week later that there was a surveillance camera with my license plate on it. And I was shown doing an act of vandalism, but I never heard back. But then he started calling probably about a month later and would demand sexual favors to keep it quiet.

[Bert Weiss]

Oh, no, no, really.

[Caller/Listener]

And it's been about three years. And I have to admit, I've done it. I mean, you did? I did, yeah. Because I have a job. If it gets out, it's, you know, I would lose my job. And it was a totally different lifestyle for me then.

[Bert Weiss]

How. How often did you have to have sex with this guy? For him to keep that secret, I.

[Caller/Listener]

Would have to do things, like, to him, you know, I can't really say, you know, regulations, but things were done with my mouth.

[Melissa]

Right?

[Jeff]

Wow.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah. But I mean, he would act like he liked.

[Karen]

He would.

[Caller/Listener]

He would try to flatter me into it, but then if I said no, he'd be like, listen, you, something, something. I have this camera that is video.

[Jeff]

Of you, you car keyer.

[Karen]

Yeah.

[Caller/Listener]

And he was like. And then you would be like, well, this thing was, you know, $800 and then it was $3,000. I'm like, it's hard to, you know, you have no power in that situation.

[Bert Weiss]

So how many times did he keep coming back to you saying, look, I need it. I need a little bit more. I need a little bit more like 20. 20.

[Caller/Listener]

Sometimes, like, I would. Like I just had dental surgery or, you know, like, I faced accidents. Like, I have a severe kidney problem. I'd make things up just to, like, get them off my back for a while, but literally.

[Bert Weiss]

So how did it finally end? How did you finally say, okay, that's it, no more.

[Olivia]

That's it?

[Bert Weiss]

It hasn't.

[Melissa]

It hasn't yet.

[Caller/Listener]

I moved. Actually, I got into. I moved cities and I got my number changed and, you know, I got a new car. But he still finds a way to find me every once in a while. He'll send me like, an email.

[Bert Weiss]

So until you get that tape from him, I mean, you just keep. You have to run. Why don't you just, on the very next time, go. Okay, this is it. Give me the tape and it's over.

[Caller/Listener]

Well, I mean, the truth is that the statute of limitations on the crime is about to be up.

[Jeff]

But you know what the crime is you're not going to jail for.

[Melissa]

Yeah, what would happen?

[Caller/Listener]

No, but, you know, it's still sex. Have to pay.

[Jeff]

You're not even gonna get a ticket. Like.

[Melissa]

Well, I was gonna say it sucks to do what you do, but I guess it does. But, I mean, I would rather pay than have to do what you've been doing. 20, 30 times.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Wow.

[Caller/Listener]

At this point, it's very much worth it for me just to text.

[Bert Weiss]

Yeah, I'd say. Well, I mean, how far out are you from that statute of limitations?

[Caller/Listener]

A lawyer friend of mine said it's actually probably just about up because it happened March of 20. Who this happened?

[Melissa]

This is a three year statute.

[Jeff]

Just so you know, I haven't done.

[Caller/Listener]

A lot of research because it's kind of embarrassing to be like, hey, how long is it before you can keep them a car and walk away clean.

[Bert Weiss]

Wow.

[Jeff]

Just so you know, if. If the damage was $800 and you've been with him 20 times, you're getting 40 bucks a pop, literally.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah. Sound like the lowest paid whore in Atlanta. Really?

[Bert Weiss]

Oh, don't say that about yourself.

[Caller/Listener]

Oh, I'm sure that.

[Jeff]

I'm sure. I'm sure there's some cheaper checkaway's going.

[Bert Weiss]

Nope, I haven't found one cheaper.

[Olivia]

I mean, I've got the lowest moral standards of anyone in this room. And I'm offended by that. I mean, I don't know what's worse. I mean, the fact that you would key someone's car, like, really bothers me. But then the fact that this guy would blackmail you for. I mean, if I found a woman that keyed my car, I'd rather smack her upside the head than sleep with her.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, he gets some pleasure out of it. But, you know, the worst part is it wasn't even, like, I was so drunk. I didn't even, like, deliberately key it. I, like, swooped my arm across it.

[Bert Weiss]

It's no wonder why women are falling over themselves to get to you. I'd rather smack her on the head.

[Jeff]

Than sleep with her.

[Bert Weiss]

Than sleep with her.

[Caller/Listener]

I would have preferred that, Ashley.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Thank you.

[Bert Weiss]

If I were you, I would just apply to dude stations.

[Olivia]

Dude, that was taking a moral stance on that.

[Bert Weiss]

That was your moral stance? I'd rather hit her.

[Olivia]

No, I don't. I'm not saying I'd rather. What I'm saying is I can't believe the guy, like, I wouldn't sleep with somebody that keyed my car. I'd be really upset with them.

[Bert Weiss]

You'd think so, right? That's pretty standard. Yeah.

[Olivia]

I'm telling you, I wouldn't blackmail anybody and you're getting on my case.

[Bert Weiss]

Well, I mean, I think it was more the beginning of women slap her in the head, then I would take the money.

[Olivia]

Well, I'm not advocating violence against women. Let's not turn that into that.

[Bert Weiss]

Suzanne, you too are on the voice disguiser. Not your real name. How are you?

[Caller/Listener]

I'm fine. How are you?

[Bert Weiss]

That's gonna be a tough call to beat, I gotta tell you.

[Caller/Listener]

No, no. My situation was I went to Panama City on spring break with a roommate of mine from college, and I'm not a drinker. And we got tore up every single day that we were there. And I actually slept with somebody on the trip, somebody from my college. And she knew about it because it was in the Same room that we were all in. Well, when we came back, I'd already been engaged to someone else.

[Jeff]

Oops.

[Caller/Listener]

And when we came back, she wanted to take me all the time to her hometown of Louisiana. And I would say no because she wanted me to hook up with her cousin. And I kept saying no. When we came back from the trip, she had this over me, and she kept saying, I'm going to take you on this trip to Louisiana, and if you don't go, I'm going to tell. So I ended up going and was forced to hook up with somebody else while there. So I looked up at somebody twice, and both times he never found out about it and sees to this day, still blaspheming me about it. Even when we were moving out, she took all of my clothing, underwear, everything. And I was going to call the cop, and she wrote me a letter telling me, I cannot call the cop, because if you do, I am going to tell.

[Bert Weiss]

What's up, Melissa?

[Melissa]

I just want to ask her just to define force to hook up with somebody in Louisiana. Like you took the trip down there with your roommate and what, is forced to hook up with him?

[Jen]

She was blackmailed into that.

[Melissa]

This blackmail was part of that, too, right?

[Caller/Listener]

Definitely. I did not like the person, but he liked me from previous visits and he wanted to get together with me. And for some reason, she thought it was a good idea and that we would be friends, we would start dating or something. And she forced me to go down there, and she said, you have to. And so I did. And I thought that would be the end of it, but it certainly didn't turn out that way.

[Bert Weiss]

So you had to have sex with this person?

[Caller/Listener]

Yes, I did.

[Olivia]

She's the lowest paid whore in Atlanta. The other girl was at least getting 40 bucks a pop.

[Bert Weiss]

She's the one. You got nothing. Thank you. All right, last call here. Voice disguiser. Not your real name. Good morning, Melanie.

[Olivia]

Hi.

[Caller/Listener]

How are y'?

[Bert Weiss]

All? Good, thank you.

[Caller/Listener]

Well, I was a sophomore in college, and I had been dating this guy for a year that my parents absolutely spied him. And that was probably half the reason that I was dating him. After a year, he started turning a little crazy. But before that year, we had made a date together. Well, needless to say, my parents found out that I was still dating him. They threatened to cut me off. And they were my only. Well, I had a job, but they were my only real financial support to pay my way through school. I had not saved any money or anything like that. And so he found out that they wanted me to stop seeing him. And he said if I did not, if I stopped seeing him, if we broke it off, that he was going to send my parents to tape.

[Bert Weiss]

Oh, whoa. Stakes are high. Oh, wow.

[Caller/Listener]

Needless to say, I had a friend in the police department and I had a lookout, and I broke into his apartment and stole the tape.

[Bert Weiss]

Oh, wow.

[Caller/Listener]

Prayed to God that it was the only copy.

[Bert Weiss]

And was it the only copy?

[Caller/Listener]

It hasn't turned up so far.

[Bert Weiss]

Wow. Wow.

[Jeff]

You know what? Remember that when you have stress in your life, at least there's not a chance that someone's gonna send a tape of you having sex with someone to your mom and dad.

[Bert Weiss]

Think about that.

[Jeff]

Whatever's stressing you out. Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.

[Bert Weiss]

Could there be anything worse than that? And then you. You break into the house and get the tape. It's like right out of a movie.

[Caller/Listener]

Well, there's nothing worse than having your parents think, well, first of all, they hated him anyway. And then for them to know that you're having sex and then to actually see it, that could. There's nothing more to think of.

[Bert Weiss]

No, there could be nothing more uncomfortable than that. You're right. Thank you for calling, Jeff.

[Melissa]

Did you get any ideas?

[Jeff]

Yeah, apparently I don't need a trench coat and manila envelopes, but I do need a cousin in Louisiana.

[Bert Weiss]

The Fruit Show. Olivia loves a challenge. It's why she lifts heavy weights and likes complicated recipes. But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way.

[Caller/Listener]

With Expedia, she bundled her flight with.

[Bert Weiss]

A hotel to save more. Of course, she still climbed all 650 to the top of the Eiffel Tower. You were made to take the easy route. We were made to easily package your trip. Expedia made to travel Flight inclusive packages are atoll protected.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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