The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Monday, January 5 [Vault] (January 5, 2026)

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show explores two main themes: the struggles and comedic woes of potty training young children, and the surprising ways everyday people encounter blackmail. The show blends earnest parenting confusion, lighthearted group banter, and jaw-dropping listener calls about personal experiences with blackmail, highlighting the authentic, unfiltered style that’s become The Bert Show’s signature.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Potty Training Mayhem: Bert’s Parenting Dilemma (01:36–13:14)

• Bert’s Struggles: Bert candidly admits his family is lost with potty training their two-and-a-half-year-old son, Hayden. Despite following the parenting books, “it’s a poop fest” at home. Positive reinforcement is working for pee, but not for poop.
• Listener Input & Advice:
  • Karen’s Potty Parties: “We did potty parties... every time that we got them to go potty, we got the little things you blow at birthday parties... and gave them a Skittle each time.” (04:41)
  • Cassie’s Consistency: Cassie strongly advises: “Do not go back to diapers, Bert.” (06:41)
  • Stickers/Tattoos: Several parents recommend stickers, temporary tattoos, and even mini M&Ms as rewards.
  • Letting Kids Watch: Cassie suggests letting the child see you go. Bert admits, “She wanted me to show him number one and number two, and that’s where I drew the line. I'm like, that's crazy talk." (06:56)
  • Cereal Trick: A nanny calls in with the creative idea to use cereal pieces as “targets” in the toilet. Success is rewarded with a toy train after a streak of days (07:30–08:19).
  • Don’t Force or Rush: Amy warns: “If you force kids, that’s the worst thing you can do because then they’re petrified of it.” (09:38)
  • Mixed Approaches: Some callers say to stick with it, others advocate backing off if the child isn’t ready—leading to some confusion for Bert.
• The Panel’s Confusion & Humor: The team jokes about the process, and Bert sums up: “I’m still confused on how long you go before it’s not working out before you back off... haven’t figured out anything.” (11:24)

Notable Quotes:

• “It’s like a minefield in my house sometimes.” – Bert Weiss (03:17)
• “She wanted me to show him number one and number two, and that’s where I drew the line.” – Bert Weiss (06:56)
• “Do not go back to diapers, Bert.” – Cassie, Caller (06:41)
• “If you force kids, that’s the worst thing you can do because then they’re petrified of it.” – Amy, Caller (09:38)

2. Modern Paparazzi & Blackmail: Digital Cameras and Compromising Photos (13:14–19:41)

• Jeff’s New Gadget: Jeff recounts buying a small digital camera for his girlfriend, Jessica, leading to a night out where candid and embarrassing photos are taken and posted online, sparking requests for removal.
• Bert’s Embarrassment: “He had these really close-up pictures of that lump on my head... so embarrassed by it that I didn’t want somebody downloading it and then sending it around.” (15:31)
• The Downside of Oversharing: The show discusses how easily digital photos can lead to uncomfortable situations or even blackmail, with Jeff observing: “This is how blackmail begins.” (17:04)
• Humorous Take: Olivia jokes about the prospect of blackmailing friends for money to keep photos private (17:33).
• Prompt for Listener Stories: The topic naturally shifts to real-life blackmail, with Bert inviting listeners to share their experiences: “I think it’s such an interesting question because you see blackmail all the time in movies and on TV, but... it never really happens in everyday life.” (18:42)

Notable Quotes:

• “It’s like having your own private paparazzi around.” – Bert Weiss (14:20)
• “This is how blackmail begins.” – Jeff (17:04)

3. Jaw-Dropping Listener Blackmail Stories (19:41–29:08)

Story 1: Car Keying & Sexual Blackmail (19:55–24:13)

• Caller Ashley, under voice disguise, tells the story of drunkenly keying a man’s car and being caught on camera. The owner demands sexual favors in exchange for not pressing charges:

  • “He started calling... and would demand sexual favors to keep it quiet.” (20:26)
  • She reluctantly complied over 20 times, only escaping after changing cities and her identity.
  • “Now I sound like the lowest paid whore in Atlanta. Really.” (23:16 – self-deprecating but powerful moment)

  Panel’s Reaction: Shock and empathy; Melissa and Olivia remark on the awfulness of both the original vandalism and the man’s actions.

Story 2: Roommate Blackmailing Over Infidelity (24:46–27:07)

• Suzanne, also anonymized, shares that her roommate blackmailed her into traveling and even having sex with someone she disliked by threatening to reveal an infidelity to her fiancé:
  • “She said, you have to. And so I did. And I thought that would be the end of it but it certainly didn’t turn out that way.” (26:37)
• Panel notes the extreme personal cost and violation.

Story 3: Sex Tape Threat and Parent Blackmail (27:18–29:08)

• Caller “Melanie” admits her ex-boyfriend threatened to send an intimate tape to her parents if she broke up with him. She eventually broke into his apartment and stole the tape.
  • “He said if I stopped seeing him… he was going to send my parents the tape.” (28:14)
  • “Prayed to God that it was the only copy. It hasn’t turned up so far.” (28:34)
  • Panel marvels at the "movie-like" drama and stakes.

Panel’s Takeaway:

• The group is both stunned and empathetic, reiterating the very real and hurtful nature of blackmail, especially with digital evidence.
• Bert: “Could there be anything worse than that?... Break into the house and get the tape. It’s like right out of a movie.” (28:50)

Additional Memorable Moments

• Running Jokes: Multiple digs about “spoiled rotten” kids (11:04), blackmail envelopes in parks (19:20), and Jeff joking he needs “a cousin in Louisiana” for blackmail (29:13).
• Panel Chemistry: The hosts support each other through parenting anxiety and incredulous reactions to listener stories, keeping the tone real but compassionate.

Important Timestamps

• Potty Training Dilemmas Begin: 01:36
• Listener Parenting Advice: 04:27 – 12:03
• Digital Camera Night & Accidental Blackmail: 13:14 – 19:41
• Listener Blackmail Call 1 (Ashley): 19:55 – 24:13
• Listener Blackmail Call 2 (Suzanne): 24:46 – 27:07
• Listener Blackmail Call 3 (Melanie): 27:18 – 29:08

Tone & Style

The conversation swings between comedic, self-deprecating, and, at times, deeply serious. The panel is unfiltered, playful, and always real, embracing embarrassment as part of daily life while giving a safe space for even the most intense listener confessions.

Summary

This episode is a quintessential Bert Show mix—hilarious, honest, and occasionally jaw-dropping. Whether it’s the panic of a potty-training parent or the unexpected darkness of blackmail in everyday life, it’s a wild, engaging ride underscored by the hosts’ authenticity and quick wit. For listeners who missed the episode, this is a must-catch for the stories alone.