The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Thursday, March 5 [Vault]

Date: March 5, 2026
Hosts: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & more)

Episode Overview

This episode delivers the Bert Show’s signature blend of authentic humor, candid discussion, and listener participation. The main focus is on relationship deal-breakers—those surprising, awkward, or shocking moments when someone reveals a personal quirk or habit that instantly changes the course of a budding romance. The segment features jaw-dropping caller stories, quick-witted banter among the hosts, and a lighthearted interview with Fall Out Boy as they embark on a Guinness World Record attempt.

Key Segments & Highlights

1. “Deal Breakers” - Relationship Red Flags Exposed

[00:59 – 14:27]

Overview:
Listeners call in with true stories about the exact moment a seemingly-ideal relationship unraveled due to an unexpected, offbeat, or uncomfortable personal revelation from their partner.

Notable Discussion Points:

• Setting the Tone:
  Bert warns audience members with kids in the car that this portion is a bit more adult, joking:

  “Generally the part of the Bert Show where we just assume kids aren't listening.”
  — Bert, [00:59]

• Host Jen’s Story (36-year-old Thumb-Sucker):
  Jen recounts a friend’s experience with a “perfect” man who revealed five months into dating that he sucks his thumb and sleeps with a blankie:

  “You know, mind you, this man is 36 years old... Until he says, ‘I suck my thumb and I sleep with a blankie.’”
  — Jen, [03:05]
  Reaction:
  “Lucky, lucky ladies of Atlanta. And you say there are no good men in Atlanta.”
  — Bert, [03:32]

Caller Deal Breakers

• Stephanie – The Nose-Licker
  A charming early-20s romance ends abruptly when the man suddenly puts his tongue up Stephanie’s nose during their first intimate interaction:

  “All of the sudden, he slips his tongue up my nose.”
  — Stephanie, [05:15]
  Reacting:
  “Generally speaking, any sexual maneu that starts with a warning or a nose is not going to be good.”
  — Co-host, [05:19]

• Pam – The Little Engine That Could
  During their first night together, Pam’s date repeatedly chants, “I think I can, I think I can,” speeding up to “choo choo” at the end:

  “In process, he started going, ‘I think I can, I think I can’... and for his wrap up, he had to go ‘choo choo.’”
  — Pam, [08:25]
  Hosts joke:
  “He was the little engine that could.”
  — Co-host, [08:28]
  “In my group of friends, he would be known as the conductor.”
  — Jen, [09:41]

• April – The Undisclosed Disability
  April shares the story of a friend who learned on her wedding night—after a year of dating and no intimacy—that her new husband’s genitals were partially removed in an accident and he could not perform sexually:

  “He tells her that his man thing doesn’t work and that he was in a bad accident... so they can’t, you know, they can’t do that.”
  — April, [11:00]
  Host comment:
  “I still think you need full disclosure before you get married about something like that.”
  — Bert, [11:43]

• Tisha – The Wiper
  Tisha recalls dating a man for two months, only to discover a bizarre preference: he wanted to wipe her after she used the restroom, in a way that made her deeply uncomfortable:

  “He wanted to assist me like one would assist a child... He wanted to wipe me.”
  — Tisha, [12:14]
  On her reaction:
  “I put my shoes on and I was out of there.”
  — Tisha, [13:27]
  Co-hosts react:
  “If you find yourself in a relationship like that, you’re obligated to stay with him, to remove him from the dating pool for other people.”
  — Co-host, [14:20]

2. Interview: Fall Out Boy’s Guinness World Record Attempt

[15:49 – 23:58]

Overview:
The Bert Show interviews Fall Out Boy at the start of their effort to break the Guinness World Record for most radio interviews in 24 hours. The energy is playful and supportive, with band members and hosts riffing on awkward industry moments, silly Guinness records, and the mechanics of the attempt.

Key Points:

• Setting the Stage:

  “We got to be conscientious of two things before we get them on... how long do we have with you?”
  — Bert, [16:07]
  Fall Out Boy confirms they have five minutes per interview.

• Off-Limits Questions:

  “Let’s not talk about what celebrities my impending baby will be dating... just ways of Patrick you can go to town with, man.”
  — Fall Out Boy, [17:42]

• The Silliest Interview Questions:

  “So sandwiched between two questions about the election... ‘Who would you pick between Megan Fox and Jessica Alba?’”
  — Fall Out Boy, [18:36]

• How the Guinness Attempt Began:

  “We had an idea to play a show on Antarctica... but this block of interviews started out... prior to any of the Guinness stuff.”
  — Fall Out Boy, [20:24]
  “I think Guinness feels bad for us a little bit. They want to let us in the club.”
  — Fall Out Boy, [21:12]

• How a Record is Verified:

  “It has to be fully documented. There have to be at least six impartial witnesses... I mean, there are very, very strict rules.”
  — Fall Out Boy, [21:29]

• Guinness Book Trivia:
  Bert and the band chuckle over outlandish records—like “longest walk on hands, 870 miles” and “longest stilts walk, 3,008 miles."

  “Longest walk on hands? 870 miles.”
  — Bert, [22:43]
  “What? Seriously?... That was the dude on the cover right? And everybody knew that guy.”
  — Fall Out Boy, [22:46]

• Signoff:

  “Thank you very much for popping our cherry.”
  — Fall Out Boy, [23:28]
  “Here’s the new song from Fall Out Boy! When is the album coming out?”
  — Bert, [23:37]
  “December 16th. Well, yeah, do check it out. I promise you that. You may be disappointed, but you should check it out anyway.”
  — Fall Out Boy, [23:44-23:47]

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On the “Little Engine that Could”:

  “Did you start chanting, ‘I know I can’t. I know I can’t...’”
  — Co-host, [08:48]

• On Relationship Disclosures:

  “I still think you need full disclosure before you get married about something like that.”
  — Bert, [11:43]

• Guinness Record Talk:

  “We may end up being the Barry Bonds of Guinness.”
  — Fall Out Boy, [21:12]

• On Bizarre Guinness Records:

  “Longest stilts walk. 3,008 miles.”
  — Bert, [23:01]

Timestamps of Key Segments

| Time | Segment | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------| | 00:59 | Deal-breaker intro / “kids not listening” warning | | 01:31 | Jen’s jaw-dropping thumb-sucker story | | 04:19 | Stephanie: “Nose-Licker” story | | 07:07 | Pam: “I think I can... choo choo” guy | | 10:03 | April: Husband’s undisclosed disability | | 12:05 | Tisha: The “Wiper” | | 15:49 | Fall Out Boy Interview Begins | | 21:29 | How Guinness verifies records | | 22:43 | Hosts & FOB trade silly Guinness record trivia | | 23:37 | Interview wrap-up / Album plug |

Tone & Style

Lively, irreverent, and unfiltered—this episode perfectly showcases the Bert Show’s fun, open, and deeply human approach. The team handles both the absurd and the awkward with empathy and relentless humor. The episode’s mix of listener stories and celebrity interviews keeps things energetic and unexpected.

Useful for New Listeners

• Get a feel for the Bert Show’s candid, listener-driven format
• Hear bizarre, laugh-out-loud true stories about dating deal-breakers
• Enjoy spontaneous celebrity banter with Fall Out Boy, including behind-the-scenes looks at Guinness World Record attempts and radio interviews
• Prepare for frank vocabulary and adult themes (listener discretion advised during the first main segment!)