Full Show PT 3: Thursday, October 30 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Thursday, October 30 [Vault]

Original Air Date: October 30, 2025
Summary by: Podcast Summarizer

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show delivers the cast’s signature blend of humor, heart, and honesty as they dive into listener dramas, celebrity interviews, and fresh stunts. In this vault throwback edition, highlights include a “Find My Fiance” segment, an engaging interview with TLC (the group), a hilarious social experiment with the show's new stunt guy, and a friendly chat with American Idol’s Ryan Seacrest.

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Key Segments & Insights

1. "Find My Fiance" – Closure or Comeback?

[02:15 – 12:00]

Summary:
James calls in asking for help to track down his ex-fiancée, Nicole, who broke off their engagement due to doubts about his career prospects. Having found professional success as a district manager, James wants both to reconnect and “show her what she’s missing.” The Bert Show team locates Nicole and brings her onto the show for a candid, sometimes tense, on-air reunion.

Key Discussion Points:

• James' reasons for reaching out:
  • Recently moved to Atlanta for a promotion (managing 11 stores, “well over $50,000” salary).
  • Still has feelings for Nicole but admits to wanting to prove her wrong.
• Nicole’s response:
  • Acknowledges their history but stands firm on her preference for a partner with greater financial success (“I'm looking for a brother that's pulling in 120.”).
  • Admits she might be “shallow” but is unapologetic about her needs.
• James’ persistence:
  • Offers to meet for coffee or a drink, expressing hope for a rekindling and emphasizing he’s “living large now.”

Notable Quotes:

• “Sometimes a slap in the face motivates a man.” – James (04:47)
• “Call me shallow, call me materialistic, but that is who I am. Why should I sacrifice that?” – Nicole (10:35)
• “I can't help it. Just sting me and swell me up. I don't know.” – James on walking into a “hornet’s nest” (11:53)

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2. Interview with TLC – Resilience After Loss

[12:00 – 21:08]

Summary:
The TLC interview segment, coming after Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes’s passing, is anticipated to be somber but instead shines with warmth and optimism. T-Boz and Chilli discuss family, motherhood, their new album, and the ongoing presence of Lisa in their lives—offering fans both candor and comfort.

Key Discussion Points:

• Family first:
  • Balancing motherhood with career demands; humorous anecdotes about life at home.
• Coping with loss:
  • Remembering Lisa as a generous, free spirit.
  • The emotional process of completing their new album, “3D,” which features Lisa’s recorded vocals.
• The new album:
  • Described as displaying “three dimensions of TLC” and as a tribute to their group’s bond.

Notable Quotes:

• “Lisa is our sister, and I don't like to say was—she is our sister.” – Chilli (16:09)
• “This album was to show everybody that we never broke up. We are sisters, we love each other.” – T-Boz (20:38)
• “There’s a certain song that is special… dedicated to her, and it’s called ‘Turntable.’” – Chilli (21:04)

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3. The Wheelchair Stunt – Can You Say Anything in a Wheelchair?

[23:51 – 26:34]

Summary:
The Bert Show’s new stunt guy, Phil Turana, is tasked with seeing if people will confront someone in a wheelchair who makes rude remarks at a MARTA station. Despite a barrage of snark (‘At least I'm not ugly’, ‘Hope you're enjoying walking’), passersby refuse to respond, showing an awkward blend of politeness, discomfort, or avoidance.

Key Discussion Points:

• Phil’s attempts:
  • Escalating rudeness (“I don't know what rolls more: my wheels or your stomach.”)
  • Not a single person engages, no matter how outlandish his comments.
• Show’s reflection:
  • The cast is both amused and slightly baffled by the results, highlighting social taboos around disability and confrontation.

Notable Quotes:

• “Nothing. They just think you're a bitter guy in a chair.” – Phil (25:02)
• “God, I hate being ass level. This stinks.” – Phil (26:34)

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4. Ryan Seacrest Phones In – American Idol Mania

[27:04 – 34:44]

Summary:
Fresh off a red-eye flight, American Idol host and Atlanta native Ryan Seacrest talks about the explosion of Idol auditions in Atlanta, playful rumors (including with Paula Abdul), celebrity perks, and his own career surprises.

Key Discussion Points:

• On Atlanta and Idol:
  • Shares excitement for his hometown and family’s cooking.
  • Notes the rising bar for Idol contestants and massive turnout.
• Behind the scenes:
  • Playful rivalry with Simon Cowell.
  • Refutes dating rumors, recounts funny skydiving outing with Angie Everhart.
• Celebrity life:
  • Amused by the “free perks” of fame and reflects on career shifts.
• Addressing co-host departure:
  • Brief, good-natured comments about Brian Dunkelman leaving.

Notable Quotes:

• “We get a kick out of topping each other and playing with each other, joking around.” – Ryan on Simon Cowell (28:48)
• “Usually that’s followed by, ‘yeah, I know, and an insult.’ But that’s kind of cool, you know.” – Ryan on being recognized (32:09)
• “I think at this point, I’m doing it by myself. Actually, honestly, I don’t care… as long as I can do it again.” – Ryan on future Idol hosting (34:06)

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Nicole’s realness about her romantic criteria is hilariously direct:
  “If whoever's listening, James, you know I love you, probably always will, but I'm looking for a brother who has Alexis in the new millennium.” (09:15)

• TLC’s vulnerability creates connection:
  “You never think your personal life is going to be mixed in with your job.” – Chilli (19:20)

• Phil’s failed provocations are funny and revealing about public attitudes:
  “Are you blind? Do you have a mirror? Look at you. Look at my wheelchair.” (26:23)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Find My Fiance: 02:15 – 12:00
• TLC Interview: 12:00 – 21:08
• Wheelchair Stunt: 23:51 – 26:34
• Ryan Seacrest Interview: 27:04 – 34:44

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Tone & Style

The Bert Show maintains a lively, playful, and sometimes irreverent tone. The hosts balance humor with empathy during listener stories and are adept at drawing out authentic, emotional moments from their celebrity interviews. Throughout the show, a sense of camaraderie and realness welcomes listeners into the cast’s dynamic world.

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Note: All advertisements and intro/outro sections have been omitted for focus on content.

Transcript

[A]

Morning Zoe. Got donuts.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[D]

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[A]

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[E]

So the other day I was in this group chat. Of course the topic turned to weight loss medications because it kind of seems like everybody's on one. One friend is already on one, another is researching every option on Tick tock and someone else was like I don't even know where to start. It feels like everybody is talking about it right now, but nobody really knows if it's right for them. That's why hers can be a great option for you because they take all the confusion out of it. You connect with a real medical provider who helps you figure out what's actually best for your body and your goals without the guesswork. If it's prescribed, you'll get medication as a part of a doctor develop developed weight loss program with ongoing check ins, dosage adjustments and 24. 7 online support. They've got affordable options from oral medication kits to GLP1 injectables starting at 69amonth. So if you've been trying to figure out what works for you, it might be time to check out hers. Whether you want to lose weight, grow thicker, fuller hair, or find relief for anxiety, hers has you covered. Visit for hers.combert to get a personalized affordable plan that gets you that's F O R h e r s.com Bert for hers.com Bert weight loss by hers is not available everywhere. Compounded drug products are not approved or evaluated for safety, effectiveness or quality by the fda. Prescription required. See website for full details, important safety information and restrictions. Actual price depends on product and plan.

[A]

Purchased the Birch Show.

[D]

Few years back, James and Nicole were going out. They got engaged. You know what she was thinking? This guy has got no future at all. Well, turns out his future was pretty bright because he's done pretty good for himself. So he wanted to contact the ex fiance again and tell her, you know what? You might want to come cross back because things are going pretty good in James world now. What is up, dude?

[A]

Hey, listen, you know, I've only lived here for about a month, and I need your help to help me find my fiance, okay?

[D]

Find your fiance?

[A]

Yeah, find my fiance.

[D]

What do you mean you've lost your fiance?

[A]

Okay, like I said, I lived. I've only lived here for about a month. Okay.

[F]

All right.

[A]

I came down to take a job. Came down from Virginia. And while I was in Virginia, I was with this girl for about eight years, and we were engaged for 18 months. And she broke it off with me because she didn't like the kind of job I had. She didn't think it was going anywhere. You know, she constantly, constantly put me down about my job, you know, said it was worthless and stuff like that. So I found out about two or three years ago that she moved down to Atlanta. Okay.

[D]

All right.

[A]

Now about five months. Oh, an opportunity for me happened. My. My bosses told me that there was a job opportunity in Atlanta. So I came down, I took the job, and now what I do is I was a restaurant manager. Now I'm a district manager.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And I run 11 stores.

[D]

Nice.

[A]

I have hundreds of employees under me. I make well over $50,000, and I'm here to find her. I want to tell that she blew it because I made something out of myself. I knew what I was doing. You know, she didn't believe in me. Now I want to find her.

[B]

Now, James, you want to get back together with her, too? Or do you just want to kind of toss it in her face?

[A]

Actually, you know what? I still have feelings for her, and I would really like to get back together.

[D]

Well, this is the right way of going about it, then.

[F]

Do you know why she moved down to Atlanta?

[A]

She came down to take a job.

[D]

She did? Yeah. It's pretty typical.

[F]

What industry does she work in?

[A]

She's a bank teller. She was a bank teller in Virginia at one of the banks. So she came down to work in a bank, and she has some relatives down here as well.

[D]

Okay. So really what you want to do is just put this in her face.

[A]

I want to put it. And I can't lie. I still, I still have some feelings for her. But yeah, I like to put it in her face. I want her to see how well I've done it and she will admit that she was wrong.

[D]

You know, such a guy, such a. Let it go, dude.

[A]

I can't help it, man. Sometimes a slap in the face motivates a man.

[F]

How long have you lived in Atlanta now?

[A]

I've been in Atlanta for about a month now.

[F]

Why are you calling us?

[A]

Well, what happened was, you know, I told one of my co workers what I just told you and he told me to call you guys.

[D]

Make sure you take care of it.

[F]

Yeah, make sure you tell him thanks for it.

[A]

Okay, I will.

[D]

All right, I'm for it. Are you guys for this?

[B]

Sure, sure.

[F]

If you want to.

[D]

All right, why don't we go for it?

[C]

All right.

[A]

Her name, her name's Nicole Johnson.

[D]

Nicole Johnson.

[B]

All right, Gotcha.

[F]

And she moved to Atlanta how many.

[A]

Years ago she moved to Atlanta? Two, two and a half years ago.

[D]

Nicole Johnson, you know, she works in a bank more. Most likely works in a bank.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Can you give us a little bit of a physical description of her as well?

[A]

Okay. Okay. Now she, she's. She looks like. To me, of course, she looks like Angela Bassett. Okay. But she has this sort of. Her complexion is like, like this caramel color complexion.

[D]

Right?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, no wonder you want to find her.

[A]

Oh, she's, she's beautiful. Figure. She's about, I'd say she's about five, eight. The. The booty for the duty. Booty. She's got the booty. I love it. She is definitely bootylicious.

[D]

Very good. Okay. Do you know what kind of car she drove down here or anything like that?

[A]

She drove a Volkswagen Bug down.

[D]

Oh, you're kidding. One of the new ones.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Okay, cool.

[D]

All right, so there's something to work on here.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay, again, her, her name is Nicole Johnson. You're pretty sure she lives in Sandy Spring, but her. Obviously her number is not listed or you would have done that already. Right. She was working in the banking industry in Virginia. She came down here two years ago. And you're just assuming she took a banking job down here also.

[A]

Right.

[D]

She's got carmel skin, she looks a little bit like Angela Bassett and she's got a nice old butt. Alright, that's what we have to go on. Okay, James, hold on. All right.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

The Birch Show.

[D]

So if you missed part one of Find My Fiance, James calls us up. He and Nicole had this great relationship. They even got engaged. But she decided his future wasn't looking so great. But now, a couple years later, things are going great in James life. And he wanted us to find Nicole and let her know, look, you can come on back now because things are going really, really well. So we did. We found her. Hey, James, you want to say hi to Nicole?

[A]

Hey, Nicole. Hi, James. How you been? I've been great. I've been fantastic. How have you been? I've been really good. I've been really good. You know, things are so. What's been going on?

[D]

We're just going to sit back and let this one take a life of its own. Go ahead, you guys, just pretend we're not here.

[A]

You know, I am. You know, I'm doing all right. I'm a customer service manager down here and, you know, I'm trying to get my stuff together. But life's good.

[D]

Nicole, James was telling us that really the reason why you guys split up was because you really didn't feel like his life was heading in a successful direction. And he called us yesterday. You know, things have changed a little bit in his life now. Right, James?

[A]

That's right, Nicole.

[F]

He has gone from paper hat to full fledged baseball cap with mesh hats.

[A]

That's right. Well, congratulations. Congratulations. I run 11 stores now in Atlanta. 11 stores in the Atlanta area all through. And, you know, things are really looking up. You know, I think. I think you could. You think you could have made a mistake when you let me go? I mean, maybe. I don't know, James, but at the time, it wasn't what I needed. You know, let's be real about this. We're on the radio. I know, I know. You were constantly talking about money and all that stuff, and now I have the money. I'm living large now.

[F]

Hey, James, tell her what you're driving.

[D]

Yeah, what you drive up to work in today, boo.

[A]

I'm driving a Lexus now. You are not. I'm driving a Lexus, fat leather, okay? A black Lexus. Listen, Nicole. Black Corinthian leather inside CD player. All right, well, what year is it? What year is it? What fake model is it? It's a 97. Oh, no. See, you can't come to me talking about Alexis when it's five years old, James. But it's not the Nova. I was driving in Virginia. I know, but see, I'm looking. That is the problem, okay? I love him. If Whoever's listening. James, you know I love you, probably always will, but I'm looking for a brother who has Alexis in the new millennium. I'm not saying you haven't done all right by yourself, but I have. Shallow, but that's what I need.

[D]

She has definitely been down in Atlanta more than a year.

[A]

Oh, my God. Look. Okay, check this out. Another year, I might get two or three more stores. I might make about, you know, 65 or 70, and from there, the sky's the limit. But I think we should at least just get together and just have a drink and talk and, you know, try to light this candle again. James, you know, you're a nice man. You're a nice man, and you're a.

[D]

Decent man, but I'm about to let you down.

[A]

You're a nice man and a decent man. I mean, call me shallow, call me materialistic, but that is who I am. Why should I sacrifice that?

[D]

Are you being serious?

[A]

That's who I am. I'm looking for the brother that's pulling in 120. I need a brother who can flip it, you know, he can wear Timberlands one day and he can have on a tux the next day. You understand what I'm saying? That's what I'm looking for. Well, give me a few more years and four or five more stores. Wait. I mean, I like you, the world. Whoever's listening down here in atl, love him, but he can't support me.

[D]

I mean, you could live forever and ever with this guy. Happily ever after. Him. Because he doesn't have a 2002, and he's not making $100,000. You're not gonna see him again.

[A]

I know what I want. Okay, well, hold on. Hey, you changed, Nicole. Yes. Yeah.

[D]

Wow. James. I mean, I don't know what to tell you, man.

[A]

Well, thanks, you guys. I appreciate the try anyways. And, Nicole, can we.

[F]

Hey, Nicole, can we at least give James your number?

[A]

Can we get some coffee or something and just talk and catch up?

[D]

I don't know why you didn't want to do that. I mean, do what you want, but I don't even know why you'd want to get involved.

[A]

But go ahead, you know, I mean, there's love there. But I need things. You guys don't know what we had. Man, oh, man.

[D]

James, you are walking into a harness nest.

[A]

I can't help it. Just sting me and swell me up. I don't know.

[D]

This is the Birch Show. Before TLC got into the studio, we were thinking this was going to be such a depressing interview because we have to talk about Lisa Lopez's death. We have to talk about the bad times that TLC has gone through, especially recently. So we thought, you know, this is not going to be any fun at all. We could not have been more wrong.

[F]

Here.

[D]

TLC is in here. And the first thing I'm thinking, that you guys are all health nuts and stuff. You'd be coming in here with all this, like, I'm on the Atkins diet. All protein, no fat.

[C]

But not Hollywood.

[B]

You know what? That's Hollywood. My hands are clean, for real. I promise. But you got to just taste this one.

[D]

What is it?

[B]

It's called an asteroid.

[D]

It's like a nasty cheetah.

[F]

You guys realize you should each weigh 300 pounds, right? You know, you must. You run, what, four hours a day after our kids?

[C]

Yeah, I run around her.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

How old are your kids, Chase? Just turned two.

[B]

Yes, but collectively. Collectively, we have two kids.

[D]

I just had my first.

[B]

All right, is it tough?

[D]

I mean, because you guys must be busting booty right now with the new cd, and I know you're on a promotional tour. How do you split the time between, like, family life and the professional life? That must be a struggle for you all the time.

[B]

Well, you know what? It is a big struggle, especially for me, because now my son is in school. And so, like, on the weekends when we have to work, he's with me. Like, this morning, I took him to school because I didn't even know what time we had to start working. So I was like, okay, gotta make sure I take John to school. Like, I mean, it's hard, but you know what? I deal with it because it would just be worse to just work, work, work and not ever see him. So I don't care. I just. I don't even try to complain.

[C]

We always say we put family first and our job second because we can reschedule things around our jobs. But you can't reschedule, you know, the first time Chase walks or the first time Tron speaks. You know what I mean?

[B]

And his tooth is a loose at the bottom. So you remember when we were kids and you lose the tooth and the tooth fairy would either you have, like, 50 cents, maybe a dollar, right? So my son is talking to my goddaughter, Kiara. So he gets off the telephone. He's like, mom. So my tooth comes out. Kiara told me that I have to put it in a Ziploc bag and put it under the pillow. And the tooth fairy is gonna bring me either five or ten dollars.

[C]

Oh, listen, money done went up nowadays.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

You gotta get your son negotiating deals.

[B]

For you, I'm telling you.

[C]

Yeah, but we're having fun, though. But Chase goes everywhere with me.

[D]

Yeah. Would people be amazed about how normal your lives are?

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

When's the last time you guys were just at a Kroger by yourself the other night?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

What'd you buy?

[B]

What'd you get?

[C]

I got me some chicken. Cause I cooked chicken last night, and I got Chase some snacks and some milk and stuff like that.

[D]

So it's really average. I mean, it's regular. I mean, it's.

[C]

She was mad because we were working at 12 midnight. She still had to go to Kroger so she can get Tron's lunch.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

The virtual hanging out with tlc. I know at some point we're gonna have to talk about Lisa. I know we're gonna have to do that. And I was thinking yesterday that I have never had anybody really close to me pass away. So I have no reference at all, no point of reference to how you guys are feeling now, how you are feeling after the accident, how you're looking at your future. So tell me, what is going on since. Was it late April, right?

[C]

Yeah, it was April 25th.

[D]

Yeah. Is there a day that goes by where you don't think of Lisa?

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Mm.

[C]

Yeah. Because, I mean, TLC has been, like, our whole world. And like, even in our house, like, plaques. I mean, you can't forget her. And then, you know, especially working now. But even just on the personal side, like, we've been together 12 years.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And that's like, we've seen each other sometimes more than our families. Like, we were just like, tlc. Tlc. We lived and breathed it. So, yeah, not a day goes by this.

[D]

I mean, it's not just a working relationship, but, I mean, y' all are. You're sisters.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Really?

[D]

Sisters?

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

How's her family doing?

[B]

You know, what they're holding up. You know, it's weird to see because, you know, Teona and I, we do. We break down a lot, and it's really, really hard for us. And, you know, when we see her mom, how well she holds up, it's like, you gotta pull from that as far as strength is concerned. And, you know, we always keep in touch with them. You know what I mean? And, I mean, honestly, as a mother, I couldn't even imagine. I just can't imagine how she feel and what she must be going through, because, you Know, Lisa is our sister, and I don't like to say was she is our sister, and I know how we feel. So for me to even think about my own son, it's like, I just really. I really feel bad for her, you know, on a whole nother level.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I think it's gotta be also a.

[D]

Great tribute, too, and shows your success on how, you know, everyone mourned her death. And even just, you know, just seeing Missy Elliott's new video and then in the video and work it on the front hood of a car, is. Is Lisa's image airbrushed on the car. You don't even have to be explained who that is, you know, exactly.

[F]

Just looking at the picture, what is it, you know, from you guys working with her for so long, like, something that never came out in the media or never came out, that. Like a. Like a story about Lisa that just kind of embodies who. Who she is?

[C]

Well, everybody focused on the negative so much. They didn't know how good of a person she was and how much of a given person she was. Lisa gave to others before she gave to herself and would give the shirt off her back and would take people in off the street and let them live in her house. And the thing that I always say we can respect about her the most is that she lived for herself. She didn't care what anybody thought. If there's something in life that she wanted to do, she would do it. And so she was, like, a real free spirit.

[D]

Now, there are songs on the new CD that have her voice on them, correct?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

So when you're cutting those or you listen back to them now, and it's the three of you together still in song, what kind of feelings that bring up for y'? All?

[B]

Well, you know what we were. Before she passed, we were, like, a little bit more than halfway done, you know, with the. With our cd. So she was already on songs. And, like, when we continued working, T and I, we couldn't listen to other raps because the producers, they went through other raps that she had done for, you know, just some. Some of her stuff to place the right raps on the songs that we were doing. And we couldn't even listen to it because it was just too hard. But it's weird. Like, now listening now, it's like she was there, you know what I'm saying? And, you know, I'm just glad I'm at a point now where I can listen, because I know in a lot of ways, I'm still Somewhat in denial. You know what I mean? I'm still like, okay, yes, she was there with us at the studio. You know what I'm saying?

[D]

Did you feel her presence?

[B]

You mean at the studio? No, I'm saying I was psyching. I psyched myself outside and just say, yeah, she was there, you know, but, yes. I mean, her prayer. I mean, her spirit is with us, but, you know, it's just. It's hard.

[D]

Yeah, I bet I couldn't think of anything harder than losing a sister, you know, or a family member.

[C]

Well, what makes it hard is because, like, say, when my grandma passed, that hurt, but I don't have to keep talking about it.

[D]

Right.

[C]

And you never think your personal life is going to be mixed in with your job.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And so it's kind of like, I don't know, it's not like a personal thing. It's like your feelings are just out there for everybody to see. And some people, like you said, you never felt like that before. So some people can't relate. Some people can. And it's just hard when you just have to be out there like that.

[D]

And keep talking about it all the time. All right, well, let's stop talking about it and talk about the new CD. Tell us all about it.

[B]

3D.

[D]

All right.

[C]

And Lisa came up with that title, and it's kind of like Crazy Sexy cool to the 10th power.

[B]

10Th, 10th, 10th power.

[C]

You know how every girl had a crazy sexy and a cool side. 3D is like three dimensions of TLC. This album is all of our favorites.

[D]

It is.

[B]

Oh, my God, it's.

[D]

You have a better feeling about this album and listening back to it than any of the others.

[B]

Well, no, it comes from a different place. It's like, the reason why this is, you know, our favorite album. Not to say that it's better than any other songs that we've done. It's like this project is like our baby. Even before Lisa passed, because, you know, when we got together and decided to, you know, when she came up with the TLC 3D, the title and all that kind of stuff, this album was to show everybody that we never broke up. We are sisters, we love each other, and it is such a T. Boz, Left Eye and Chilli album. I mean, whatever you guys love about us individually, you're gonna really love the album because that's what we put on there. That's how it. How this CD is.

[D]

What's a favorite cut off of it? I know that's like. That's a tough question. Right now.

[C]

Well, we can say this, though. There's a certain song that is special to both of us because even though the whole album is a tribute to Lisa, this one is dedicated to her, and it's called Turntable.

[B]

Yep. It's so beautiful.

[D]

What? We have to go.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I could have done this for another 45 minutes. Thanks for coming in, y'.

[E]

All.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

The bird show.

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[A]

Morning, Zoe. Got donuts.

[B]

Jeff Bridges. Why are you still living above our garage?

[A]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you. Teach me. So, Dana.

[B]

Oh, no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at t mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[A]

Wow, impressive. Let me try. T mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network. Nice.

[B]

Jeffrey, you heard them.

[A]

T mobile is the best place to get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition. So what are we having for launch?

[B]

Dude, my work here is done.

[A]

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[D]

Cancel Finance Agreement.

[A]

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[D]

Visit t mobile.com time it's always vanishing.

[E]

The commute, the errands, the work functions, the meetings.

[B]

Selling your car.

[D]

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[E]

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[D]

This was a lot of fun. We had a new stunt guy, Phil Turana. Join the Burt Show. So we thought, okay, what's the most uncomfortable situation we can put him in? Well, the truth of the matter is, it kind of backfired on us because we sent him out in a wheelchair to see if a guy in a wheelchair could say anything to anybody. And it's true. He was saying the rudest things. And everybody was so nice to him. So we've got Phil. He's the latest member of the Morning Show.

[A]

Hello.

[D]

And this is his first assignment, and I thank you.

[B]

Welcome to the Birch Show, Phil.

[D]

So, Phil, you're out in front of a MARTA station, correct?

[A]

Correct.

[D]

In wheelchair.

[A]

In wheelchair.

[D]

All right.

[A]

And there's a handful of people walking back and forth in front of me getting off the martyr train.

[D]

Whenever somebody passes in front of you, feel free to start launching something and see if we can get a reaction. Because my guess is nobody's going to say anything back.

[A]

Here we go. I'm in a wheelchair, but, man, I'd hate to be old. It is not fun in a wheelchair. But at least I'm not ugly. Ma', am.

[D]

Anything?

[A]

Nothing.

[D]

Nothing. They go right by it.

[A]

I don't know what rolls more, man. My wheels are. Your stomach. Nothing. They just think you're a bitter guy in a chair.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Here comes a crowd of people. I look like a freaking gimp. I'm going as fast as I can. I'm chasing these people down. They're looking at me.

[F]

So now you're chasing them down for the purpose. Insulting them.

[A]

Ma', am, I may be handicapped, but at least I can match my outfit. Oh, evil stare. Look away, look away, look away.

[D]

Nothing.

[A]

Nothing.

[D]

Not a word. Not a word.

[F]

You're almost. I think you're almost saying them too politely. It's like. Ma', Am, excuse me. Hi, ma'.

[B]

Am.

[F]

I may be in a wheelchair, but at least I can match my clothes. I think you need to be a little more angry.

[D]

Angry?

[A]

Okay.

[D]

All right, let's go a little more angry on this one.

[A]

Okay, ma', am. Don't look so pissed off. I'm wearing the freaking wheelchair.

[D]

Nothing.

[A]

Nothing. Oh, my God.

[D]

Nothing.

[A]

Yeah, hope you're all enjoying walking. It would be nice. Okay, run off. It would be nice if I could.

[D]

Alright, one last one.

[A]

Are you blind? Are you blind? Do you have a mirror? Look at you. Look at my wheelchair.

[D]

Nothing. Not one. Nobody said anything to you?

[A]

God, I hate being ass level. This stinks. The Bird show.

[D]

Nobody could have predicted how big American Idol was gonna be. I mean, during the whole duration of the show, the thing was a ratings winner. And even after the show was over, when they had auditions here in Atlanta, people were going nuts, lining up to try out American Idol. Well, we were a little anxious about it too, so we thought we'd just give Ryan Seacrest a call. He was here in Atlanta, so we might as well call him, find out what he thought so far of the American Idol tryouts.

[A]

What's up, dude?

[D]

How you doing, Dude, I'm tired. Oh, are you sleeping?

[A]

I just got in on the red eye.

[D]

Oh, did you really? Your flight just got here.

[A]

What's that?

[D]

Your flight just got in.

[A]

I just got in? Yeah, like an hour ago.

[F]

Have you even been asleep yet?

[A]

No, that's all right.

[F]

Are you trying to go to sleep?

[A]

Not anymore.

[B]

Sorry.

[F]

Dude, I'm so sorry.

[D]

I was gonna say welcome to Atlanta, but you already know your way around the city pretty good.

[A]

Dude, I can't wait. My mom and my dad are in Dunwoody. I can't wait to see them.

[D]

What? What do you have planned for the couple of days that you're here? Like, you must have a craving for Atlanta. Even out in la. Like, when you get back, where's the place you gotta go?

[A]

The place I have to go is home for my mother's cooking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, where is. So I'll see them probably tomorrow. Cause we've got a long day of auditions today.

[F]

Where is home? What part of Atlanta are you from? Is it Dunwoody?

[A]

Yeah, I went to Dunwoody High School. Grew up there.

[D]

So will all your friends, like, be calling, hey, dude, we gotta go out tonight?

[A]

Yeah, they may want to go out and just grab a beer or something. But, you know, we're on this pretty tight schedule where we've got auditions into the night, and then with the flying around, I Think yesterday morning I was in New York when I got up and I flew out to LA to do my radio show in the afternoon and then took the red eye here. The schedule's pretty crazy.

[D]

I bet.

[F]

So, Ryan, what are the chances that we see you out tonight with, like, Paula and Simon and Randy?

[A]

Cheetah, baby. Cheetah. We're coming.

[F]

Look up on the top deck of Lulu's, all sharing the same fishbowl.

[A]

I'm gonna try and get dad and Paula maybe to swing through the varsity.

[D]

Yeah, you gotta introduce her to the varsity. Bring Simon over to the varsity, man.

[A]

Wouldn't that be. Actually, that's a very good idea.

[F]

This dude is extraordinary.

[A]

That was a very funny idea.

[D]

You and Simon get along really well, don't you? You can tell that. You guys give each other a lot of crap.

[A]

It never stops.

[D]

But it's playful.

[A]

Yeah, it never stops. I mean, we do it. We leave each other messages. We try and outdo each other in all facets of our real lives, but, yeah, it never stops. We get a kick out of topping each other and playing with each other, joking around.

[D]

What have you thought about the talent trying out this time around compared to last?

[A]

I think we've seen it. Well, obviously a lot of people. A lot more people have showed up. I think we've seen a lot of very good singers, people who obviously have good voices, but we're looking for that someone that sort of leaves the room and you still keep thinking about him like a great date, you know? And I think they've also raised the bar when it comes to who they're going to put through to Hollywood. I think they certainly raised the bar when it comes to that, you know, finding that talent and putting them through to the next level.

[F]

Now, Ryan, I was planning on using any opening I could find to ask the following question, and you just gave it to me. Speaking of great dates, there are some rumors about you and Paula Abdul is the start of American Idol 1.

[A]

Hang on, Frank. Paula, they want to talk to you. Damn it. Same thing. It's like a log laying in bed. No, no, no, no, no Truth. No. No sexual escapades or lovemaking with Paula with Ferme. We. We. You know, we met on the show and then we went out a couple times just as. As coworkers to dinner. And I guess that's where that got started.

[D]

Okay, okay, then finish this sentence. The last celebrity that I had a date with was God.

[A]

As if it'd be easy.

[D]

You went out with God?

[A]

Yeah. That'll start Another rumor, won't it?

[E]

Right?

[A]

The last celebrity I went on a.

[F]

Date with, you're big Los Angeles dj.

[D]

Now, even the rumors.

[A]

I'm trying to think of who. I don't know if it was a date. I went to a burlesque show in New York with Lisa Ling from the View, but we weren't on a date date, you know?

[D]

All right.

[A]

And then I went skydiving with Angie Everhart.

[D]

Oh, that didn't sound.

[A]

And that's the last time I saw her.

[F]

How does that happen? Does her publicist call your publicist? No.

[A]

She was on the show and she said, do you want to go out? And I said, yeah. And then she said, well, let's go skydiving. You've done that or you would do that? I'm like, totally. Because that's what you say, right? When Angie ever heard says, do you want to do anything? And then, of course, I'm scared to death. And the next day I'm strapped to some guy's ass. Tandem. So that was the last time we hung out because I couldn't keep up with her. She's too crazy.

[D]

I mean, this has.

[F]

Now, tell us the truth. Did you break up with Angie Everhart just so you could say, yeah, I dumped Angie Everhart pretty much, yeah. Nicely done.

[D]

Now, before, you were, like, a cool DJ in LA and all, but. But, I mean, this show has opened up a lot more doors as far as hanging out with celebrities go. Does it surprise you sometimes with who the celebrities you're hanging out with now is.

[A]

It just surprises me sometimes that the ones that, you know, know who you are.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

That's kind of. I mean, it's kind of cool because, you know, we all have. We're all fans of people on TV and artists and, you know, in the movies. And so when you go to something and you run into somebody and you introduce yourself, oh, my God, it's so nice to meet you. My name is Ryan. They're like, yeah, I know. I saw the show. And then, of course, usually that's followed by, yeah, I know, and an insult. But that's kind of cool, you know.

[F]

As a big TV celebrity now, what's the coolest thing you've ever gotten for free?

[A]

First of all, this call has been great for my ego, which has been so popular when I got up this morning or when I landed this morning. What's the greatest thing I got for free?

[F]

Right? Cause, you know, like, you started out as a radio dj, and is there any bigger thrill than, you know, free Stuff. Yeah. When you're a baby radio DJ and you. You go to the sandwich shop for.

[A]

The poor folks and they're sending over, like, the chicken basket.

[F]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah. Well, Reebok. I get a lot of shoes from Reebok, which is nice. I actually was driving an Escalade for a little bit for free. That's kind of cool.

[D]

Really nice.

[A]

Then they take it back.

[D]

Yeah, that sucks.

[A]

But, yeah, it's like once you can afford to actually buy something, you turn around and things are coming in for free.

[D]

That's awesome.

[A]

I'd hate me right now.

[D]

Okay. Before we let you go and go get your sleep. Before auditions today, there's a gun to your head, and all you can do is say yes or no. Okay. Will you miss Brian Dungelman?

[A]

Gun to my head.

[D]

Gun to your head. Yes. I will miss him. No, I will not.

[A]

No.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I mean, I think if there's a gun to my head, I don't think I'll miss him too much. But I wish to do well. He's a great. I mean, I know that he didn't get a chance to do that stuff on our show, and he's. He's got a darker sense of humor. When he can do that, he's really strong. And so he's gonna. He's gonna pursue it, and I wish him the best. I think. I think this show, he realized it wasn't the right thing for him when he took a step back and started thinking about what he wanted to do in the long run in the scheme of things for his goals. So, Dunkelman, I wish you the best. I appreciate you standing on a stage with me, because God knows that's not fun.

[D]

Oh, dude, you are carrying the thing anyway. You're gonna be fine.

[A]

Oh, who knows?

[D]

Are you bringing somebody else in to hang with you, or are you gonna do this by yourself?

[A]

What are you doing for the next quarter?

[D]

Nothing but time. You should see our ratings.

[A]

I've heard. I think at this point, I'm doing it by myself.

[C]

All right, Cool.

[F]

Cool.

[D]

You happy about that?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, actually, honestly, I don't care. I show up, they put somebody with me. Great. They have Duncan Beck. Fine. I have to do it alone. I don't care. As long as I can do it again. Why not be a part of that television show? It's so big, and I have nothing to do with how big it was, so why not come back and do it again?

[B]

How great does it feel to be getting that huge pay raise?

[D]

Yeah, dude. Nice.

[A]

I guess that's That's. Yeah, that's good.

[B]

What are you getting like a million.

[A]

Dollars now for a million dollars? Oh, I don't know how much it is. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen. You know, we don't get paid till weeks and weeks into it.

[F]

The people in the seven figure range, Lindsay, don't count their money. They just take it and put it in their investment portfolio.

[D]

Right there is roll around naked in it, man.

[A]

No, keep giving. Give us some advice here.

[D]

Hey, Ryan, welcome back to Atlanta, man.

[A]

Hey, thanks for having me. What time is it?

[D]

It's us. You know, around 7:38, you know.

[A]

Oh good. I have to go to work now.

[D]

All right, dude.

[A]

All right guys. Thanks.

[D]

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[A]

Morning, Zoe. Got donuts.

[B]

Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?

[A]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you. Teach me. So Dana.

[B]

Oh no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at T Mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

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Wow, impressive. Let me try. T mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network. Nice.

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Jeffrey, you heard them.

[A]

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So what are we having for launch?

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Dude, my work here is done.

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