Full Show PT 3: Tuesday, April 13 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Tuesday, April 13 [Vault]

Podcast Date: April 14, 2026
Cast: Bert (Host), Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & Entire Bert Show Cast
Episode Theme: Real-life listener dilemmas, authenticity in relationships, and social awkwardness in various professions – all with the lighthearted, candid tone characteristic of The Bert Show.

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Episode Overview

This Bert Show episode delivers its usual blend of listener interaction, humor, and honest discussion. The cast tackles a deeply personal call from a listener coping with a parent’s suspected infidelity, transitions to a lively debate about which professions are most socially awkward, and welcomes bold callers who challenge social taboos about dating and sex. The result is a collection of raw insights, relatable stories, and a persistent undertone of laughter and honesty.

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Key Discussion Segments & Insights

1. Listener Dilemma: What to Do When You Suspect Parental Infidelity (00:30–12:55)

Summary:
Stephanie, a 20-year-old caller (with a disguised voice for privacy), confides that she suspects her mother is cheating—again—on her father. The cast and other listeners offer empathy, share their own experiences, and weigh in on what Stephanie should do.

Key Points:

• Discovery Process: Stephanie describes the telltale signs—secretive phone calls, deleted call logs and texts, and a change in her mom’s behavior.
  • Quote: "She gets on the phone and talks to somebody, doesn't say any names...then deletes her call." (Stephanie, 02:26)
• Emotional Toll: Stephanie feels angry at her mom, guilty hiding the secret from her dad, and worried about her younger brother’s wellbeing.
  • Quote: "I feel bad that I know this and he doesn't. When I'm talking to him, it makes himself feel bad." (Stephanie, 04:25)
• Advice from Hosts & Listeners: Mixed opinions—some suggest telling her dad, others confronting her mom, others recommend saying nothing unless she has concrete proof.
  • Quote: "I would try and confront the mom, but she's gonna continue to do what she wants." (Susan, a caller, 05:56)
  • Quote: "If her mom’s going to be a child...give her an ultimatum." (Lisa, caller, 09:35)
• Main Concern: Stephanie’s primary fear is the impact any revelation will have on her younger brother.
• No Consensus: Ultimately, the team agrees that the situation is complex and the “right” move isn’t clear-cut, expressing empathy for Stephanie’s burden.
  • Quote: "You're going to have to trust your gut on this one." (Host, 12:09)

Memorable Moment:

• Callers share their own childhood trauma involving parental infidelity—including one caller who, as a teen, helped oust her mom’s new boyfriend ("We shot his windows out with a BB gun." (Jennifer, 06:52)), adding a shocking, humorous twist to the heavy subject.

Timestamps:

• [00:30] Topic Introduced
• [01:04] Stephanie's Suspicion and Background
• [04:07] Impact on Family Relationships
• [05:40] Listener Stories and Advice Begin
• [09:29] More Advice and Stephanie’s Concerns
• [12:09] Hosts Sum Up

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2. Professions Stereotyped as Socially Awkward (13:33–23:10)

Summary:
The cast riffs on professions presumed to breed social awkwardness, exploring both personal experiences and stereotypes.

Key Points:

• Doctors: Jen sparks debate asserting that their long, isolating education renders them socially unskilled post-school.
  • Quote: "Doctors were a little bit more socially awkward because they miss a huge chunk of their social life…they’re in school and residency…for like 10 or 15 years." (Co-host 1, 13:47)
• Techies, Engineers, Radio Hosts: Other cast members note techies and radio personalities often fit the bill, the latter because “they hide behind their microphone.”
• Personal Examples:
  • Listeners (e.g., Patrick, 18:35) call in with tales of awkward doctors or morticians.
    • "My brother is...one of the smartest guys I know. Married, seven kids. And yes, completely awkward around a large social setting." (Patrick, 18:50)
• Specific Stereotypes:
  • Janitors, shop teachers, and morticians come up, with callers sharing stories that reinforce or challenge the assumptions.
    • "I went out with two morticians...both socially awkward, but both privately kind of nutty." (Host, 21:17)
• Main Insight:
  • Stereotypes have merit in some cases, but individual personality trumps professional pigeonholing.

Timestamps:

• [13:33] Segment Starts (doctors and social skills)
• [14:56] Examples from Hosts
• [16:36] Professions Are Socially Drawn
• [18:22] Listener Patrick’s Story
• [20:19] More Callers; Accountants, Morticians
• [22:13] High School Janitors
• [23:10] Segment Ends

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3. Bold Confessions: "I Only Date Married Men" (23:46–31:09)

Summary:
A caller (also using a voice disguiser, possibly Stephanie again for full anonymity) admits to exclusively dating married men, even having a child with one, and explains her motivations candidly.

Key Points:

• Motivation: She sees dating married men as a challenge—curious about what makes them attractive to their wives.
  • "I only date married men…it's more of a challenge to me." (Caller, 24:03)
• No Intention to “Steal” Men: She usually moves on after she figures out what drew the wife in.
• Intimate Details:
  • She has a high school-aged son from a married man; told the man’s wife directly due to paternity denial.
  • Admits most affairs remain undiscovered by the wives—“probably only a couple have [over 15 years].”
• Rationalization: Believes sexual dissatisfaction is the main reason men cheat.
  • "Most men aren't getting satisfied in the bedroom…they feel like they need to get that and they go somewhere else." (Caller, 28:32)
• Hosts’ Reaction: Shock, mild incredulity, but also curiosity and respect for her openness.
  • "You're a fascinating creature." (Host, 30:44)
• Audience Takeaway: If you want to “affair proof” your marriage, focus on sexual fulfillment (as per the caller).

Timestamps:

• [23:46] Caller Admits Her Dating Preferences
• [25:49] Confronting the Married Man’s Wife
• [27:15] Child’s Knowledge of Situation
• [28:21] Advice for Married Women
• [30:44] Host Reaction

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4. Embarrassment and Taboo Shopping: Buying Sex-Related Products (32:30–40:08)

Summary:
The cast shares stories and laughs about the social awkwardness and embarrassment associated with buying sex-related products in public, mostly in drugstores.

Key Points:

• Personal Tales:
  • Kristin recounts a cringeworthy Walgreens experience purchasing a KY product, her partner’s coy avoidance, and the agony of waiting in line when the register tape ran out.
    • "I grab it…and then she makes me feel awkward, so I grab a chapstick with it, like the cashier cares." (Co-host 2, 34:28)
• Listener Stories:
  • Lisa recounts being chased down in a Publix parking lot for leaving behind her condoms.
    • "Hey, lady, I got your condoms!" (Host, 39:02)
• Cashier Revelations:
  • Missa, a Walgreens cashier, admits to intentionally making shoppers squirm when they buy “embarrassing” products.
    • "I'll kind of just, like, look at her like, you know, 'what are you doing with that?'" (Missa, 39:39)
• Main Insight:
  • The taboo around sex-related purchases persists, but most embarrassment is self-generated—cashiers largely don’t care.

Timestamps:

• [32:30] Segment Starts – Shopping for Sex Products
• [34:33] Escalating Walgreens Story
• [35:45] Listener Lisa’s Condom Chase
• [39:31] Missa the Cashier’s Perspective
• [40:08] Segment Ends

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I wish there was one call coming in more than the other... they're all sort of separated. Tell them, don't tell them. Tell her, don't tell her." (Host on the infidelity dilemma, 10:17)
• "Radio guys, I gotta tell you. We were just at a convention... they're awkward on the air and just as awkward off the air." (Host, 16:46)
• "You're a fascinating creature." (Host to the woman who only dates married men, 30:44)
• "I got your condoms!" (Host, recounting a listener’s public embarrassment, 39:02)

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Episode Tone and Style

As always, The Bert Show keeps it real: supporting listeners through hard topics with a blend of empathy, teasing, and camaraderie; discussing sensitive issues frankly but with plenty of humor; and never shying from the awkward or taboo. Whether unpacking heartbreak, challenging social cliches, or confessing embarrassing moments, the cast brings authenticity and levity to every segment.

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Useful for New Listeners?

Absolutely. This episode offers a snapshot of the show's openness, real community support, and willingness to tackle tough, sometimes taboo topics—always with laughs, candor, and broad relatability.

Transcript

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[Host]

Get it the bird show. I think we will probably know in the first 10 seconds of this call here how to better handle the advice because I have no idea how old

[Co-host 1]

she is, but the voice disguiser makes everybody sound 12, so we have to ask.

[Host]

Good morning, Stephanie. You're on the voice disguiser. Hi.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Good morning.

[Host]

Good morning. Hey, Stephanie, can we ask you right off the gate how old you are?

[Stephanie (Caller)]

I am 20 years old.

[Host]

20 years old.

[Co-host 1]

20.

[Co-host 2]

Okay.

[Host]

Okay. And you're gonna have to speak up a little bit because the voice disguiser brings your voice down.

[Caller (Various)]

Okay.

[Host]

So what's up with moms here?

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Well, she's messing around. I'm so sorry.

[Co-host 3]

And you're 100% sure of that?

[Caller (Various)]

Yes.

[Co-host 1]

How do you know?

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Well, at first it was like, you know, I know that she's just being different. And since she's done it before and she has already told me about it, I could pick up the signals faster now than I could before.

[Host]

Okay, let's use this for a jumping off point for a second here. All right, so as fact, she's had an affair on your dad before and she confessed to you about it, or did you catch her?

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Well, there was a big ordeal happening and, you know, my dad tripped out and he left. And she flat out told me, if he wants to know, this is what I'm doing. But she didn't tell him. She just told me.

[Host]

Okay, That's a tough thing to burn your daughter with.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

She just plain out told me. And I was like. Like, I was just quiet. And I was like, okay, I already knew. And she was like, well, how did you know? I'm like. I could just. You were just acting different. And I just. I could tell, you know, I'm. When I was in high school, I know when people are cheating on people, you just see those signals and you're

[Host]

starting to see those signals again here.

[Co-host 3]

What would be. Can you give us a for example, signal that. That you've. You've noticed lately that was similar to what she did before?

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Well, she gets on the phone and talks to somebody, doesn't say any names. And then immediately as she gets off the phone, she deletes her call. And it's the number she dials.

[Caller (Various)]

It's not a number that's saved onto her phone.

[Co-host 3]

You mean she dials that goes back and deletes it out of her pending calls or whatever.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

She also deletes text messages and stuff.

[Co-host 1]

Do you live with both your parents?

[Caller (Various)]

Yes, I do.

[Co-host 1]

Okay, so you see it in the house and in the car and wherever else?

[Caller (Various)]

Yes.

[Co-host 1]

Do you think your dad already knows?

[Stephanie (Caller)]

No, because my dad. If my dad knew, we would know, because my dad would not keep his

[Caller (Various)]

mouth shut about it.

[Host]

You must be so angry at your mom right now.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

I am. I'm so angry.

[Host]

So I guess the advice that we're looking for here is, if you're 20 years old and you know one of your parents is having an affair, what do you do about it? Do you go to the parent that's having the affair? Do you go to the parent that's not having the affair? I mean, what do you do?

[Co-host 3]

And it's important to know that she lives with them.

[Host]

Yeah. 404. 741Q100. What's that?

[Co-host 2]

I'm sorry. I just said that's so unfair. It's like Bert said, earth. That's a burden on you that shouldn't be there, you know?

[Co-host 1]

And I'm sorry if you told us. All right. Do you. Do you have any siblings?

[Caller (Various)]

Yes, I do.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

I have one brother.

[Caller/Guest]

Is he older or younger?

[Stephanie (Caller)]

He's younger.

[Host]

What is your relationship like with your mom?

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Well, it used to be very good till the first time, and it's just completely changed. Like, I talked to her, but I don't have the same kind of relationship with her, and I really don't tell her much of anything. And, like, we don't really talk as much.

[Co-host 1]

And what about with your dad?

[Caller (Various)]

My dad.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Well, my dad. Me and my dad never really had that father, daughter relationship, but now it's like we're being a little bit more close because I don't talk to my mom anymore.

[Host]

So her infidelity is actually bonding you with your father more.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

I feel bad that I know this and he doesn't. And, like, when I'm talking to him, it makes himself feel bad. Yeah, because I'm. I'm talking to him, and it's like he doesn't know what's happening, and I do.

[Host]

Mm.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

And it hurts.

[Host]

Here's Susan, who wants to be on the voice disguiser also. Hey, Susan.

[Caller Susan]

Go ahead hey, I've been through the same thing. If you know that your mom is cheating, I think your dad has an inkling about it. I mean, they're gonna do what they're gonna do. I've been through the same thing for a long time. My dad was cheating on my mom. He tried to play, you know, the mind games that, you know. You know, she didn't trust him or whatever. But one day I called up his cell phone and I heard him having sex with somebody. I ran upstairs, I gave my mom the phone because he tried to cut the phone off, but we could still hear him rushed down because they're separated,

[Caller (Various)]

to his apartment and busted him.

[Caller Susan]

And, you know, he felt really cheap about it, but, you know, he's still good going to do what he's going to do. And I've always felt when I was a child that he was cheating, you know, and you can't. Once a cheater, always a cheater. They really don't care, you know? And he'd go back and forth between my mom and this other woman, you know, and it really doesn't matter. They're selfish, and then, you know, they're a liar. And I do feel closer to my mom because of it. And I don't really trust my dad anymore. I don't think she does.

[Host]

Either she should tell her dad. Oh, or she should confront the mom.

[Caller Susan]

I would. I mean, I guess you could try and confront the mom, but she's gonna do. She's gonna continue to do what she wants to do. I mean, what can you do? Can you say to your dad, you know, I could never really get through to my mom? She's still gonna, you know, feel that there's some type of hope for their relationship when there really isn't. And that's the only reason that I confronted him the way that I did, because I thought, okay, now finally she can see the type of person that he is.

[Co-host 1]

Stephanie, what do you think is going to be your mom's reaction if you go to her and tell her, you know, I don't.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

I have no clue. She'll probably just deny it, deny it, deny it, and then just. She. I don't know. I really have no idea.

[Host]

Hey, Jennifer. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller Jennifer]

Hi.

[Caller Lisa]

I think you should tell your dad because my mom cheated on my dad before, and she ended up moving us

[Caller Susan]

in with this guy, and we broke them up.

[Caller Jennifer]

We terrorized the crap out of him.

[Caller Lisa]

We shot his windows out with BB guns.

[Co-host 3]

Oh, Lord.

[Caller Lisa]

We just did everything we could to break them up.

[Co-host 3]

You are like a redneck with infidelities. Like a gremlin with water.

[Host]

I don't really know what that means.

[Co-host 3]

That little thing, you fire it up, get it wet, and it loses its mind.

[Co-host 2]

You feed a gremlin after midnight?

[Co-host 3]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[Host]

Tasha. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller Tasha]

Hi. I'm kind of in the same situation, but the difference is my mother actually had to move out of state to get a job, and it happened out there. And when she came back, I found videos on her cell phone.

[Co-host 3]

Oh.

[Caller Tasha]

So then she. I confronted her about it before I can fronted my dad, and she swore she would stop and come to find out. When I was looking for something, I found another cell phone because I. When I found that on our cell phone bill the first time, I told her that I was going to be watching her. I'm gonna be making sure that she wasn't doing this in line about it, that I was watching the cell phone bill and that if I caught it, I was gonna tell. So she swore she'd stop. Well, she just went and got another cell phone and did it from there and moved back again. So I let it go. But I've. My sister tells me not to tell. You know, everybody just tells me, don't say anything. Because, you know, they're my dad's 51 and my mom's like 40 something, so they're gonna do what they want to do.

[Host]

And here's a major difference, though. Here's a major difference. Like, Stephanie, you don't really have any proof that your mom is screwing around. So if you go to your mom and you say, look, I know you're screwing around, she's gonna say, no, I'm not. You're gonna say, yes, you are. And she's gonna say, no, I'm. I'm not. Then you're gonna end up going to your dad, but you've got nothing. At least the others, unfortunately, had videos or emails or texts.

[Co-host 3]

Well, she does have something. Like if you're making those. If she's making those phone calls, even if you delete the number out of the phone, it's still on the bill. If you get. You know, you can get a detailed. You can get a.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

When that whole thing happened last time, she went and she was like, well, I'm tired of your father being all nosy and everything. And she changed her billing from paper to electronic so the bill doesn't come

[Co-host 3]

to the house, but it still exists. So maybe you Just can't get a

[Caller (Various)]

hold of it because she's got a

[Stephanie (Caller)]

different password on it because she pays the bill.

[Co-host 3]

That's what's in her name.

[Co-host 1]

While that's going on, he's got to know.

[Host]

You would think, right?

[Co-host 1]

He's got to know something is up.

[Host]

Let's take. Let's rattle through these here real quick. We can only take a couple more. Lisa.

[Caller Lisa]

Hey, this is what you do.

[Caller/Guest]

You said that she has no proof. So, I mean, if her mom's going

[Caller Lisa]

to be a child and go behind

[Caller/Guest]

somebody's back with infidelity, you tell your

[Caller Lisa]

mom that you overheard a conversation, you know she's cheating, and if she doesn't admit it to your dad, then you're gonna go to your dad, give her an ultimatum, and she's gonna be a child and act the same way she does about it.

[Host]

You're scared of what he might do though, right?

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Host]

You think he's gonna split and then it's all on you, which it really would not be.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Yeah, it's not. That's not. What I'm really worried about is that, you know, I'm 20 years old. I'm not gonna be living here more any more longer. But my brother, yeah, he'll be around all of this mess. I don't want to do that with for him.

[Co-host 2]

How old is he?

[Stephanie (Caller)]

He's 17, but a couple more years probably. Yeah.

[Host]

I wish there was one call coming in more than the other, but, you know, they're all sort of separated. Tell them, don't tell them. Tell her, don't tell her. Hey, Keisha. Good morning.

[Caller Jennifer]

Hey, good morning, guys.

[Caller/Guest]

How are you?

[Caller Jennifer]

Welcome to the show, by the way.

[Host]

Thank you.

[Caller Jennifer]

I suggest that to the caller, she should tell her dad what's going on, what happened to me. Basically, I was a child of divorce because of this whole cheating situation where my dad cheated on my mom. The doctors know it was coming to the house. I confronted him about it, come to find out that the young lady he was having the affair with got pregnant. So I actually have a sister that's now 17 from, you know, a non wedlock marriage, basically. So I suggest you tell the kids. You never know what you know. You don't know if your mom is wearing protection, yes or no. And you might hurt your younger siblings to know that, you know, your mom is out there doing this, because really and truly, it did hurt my younger siblings because I have two younger brothers that's younger than me.

[Host]

I think if it's me, I probably end up going to My mom and saying, look, you got to do something about this. I know what's going on. So how do you want to handle this? I put it in mom's court.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah. You know, there's a. If I don't know the thought because I have no, you know, experience with this. But is it. Is it necessary to have to go and confront it direct on like that when you said that she has no proof? Or just go to the dad that you're closer with and say, I'm concerned about Yalls relationship. Is everything okay? That way you can tap into whether he has an idea that there's a

[Co-host 3]

problem, and what if he does the right thing that a dad should probably do and go, yeah, everything's fine. Nothing you need to be concerned with.

[Co-host 1]

I think she's got to do something because she's obvious at the point where she's seeking out our advice. So it's like this bubbling thing constantly going inside of chart. I don't think you can do nothing. I think you have to do something. Talk to one parent or the other or a counselor or something like that, because you can't keep it the way it is.

[Host]

Yeah, Stephanie, it's. All the calls are split. I wish that it was 75, 25, but everybody is sort of saying. Everybody's got different opinions on it. I mean, you're on your own. You're gonna have to trust your credit on this one. Sorry.

[Co-host 2]

I wish we had. And I'm sorry that you feel the burden of not only this, but protecting your little brother. I mean, everything is on you. And there's a part of me, it's like, just be honest. Like, go to your mom and say, this is what I'm having to deal with right now. And how do you want to handle it? It's because the burden needs to be put back on your parents and off of you.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

You know, this is gonna be real hard.

[Caller (Various)]

You know, you don't want us to meddle in their problem.

[Host]

Sure.

[Co-host 2]

But it. It's your problem, too, now, so you're not meddling.

[Host]

Let's check back with you a couple weeks, find out how everything went. Okay.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

All right.

[Caller (Various)]

Thank you.

[Host]

All right. Good luck. Bye. Bye. Get it. The bird show.

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[Host]

Who came strong on this in the meeting yesterday?

[Co-host 3]

I think Jen made the statement, but I agreed with her parents passionately because it's a. Even though it's not something you think about all the time, it's a very valid point.

[Host]

Did you say it about doctors initially?

[Co-host 1]

Yeah, it was initially about doctors. I'm trying to remember in what context it came up in the conversation, but I've always thought that doctors were a little bit more socially awkward because they miss a huge chunk of their social life because guess what, they're in school and residency and whatever it else for like 10 or 15 years. So they aren't like out. They're home studying and becoming amazing, incredible citizens of society. And what they do is so specialized and takes so much knowledge. I mean, I have a friend that went to graduate school for medicine. He's not a doctor, but just the extent of knowledge he had to get through to have to get through that graduate program. Like, I can't even imagine what a doctor would do. And so I think at the end of all of that, you're 12, 13 years later and you don't really know how to be social, really.

[Host]

I've never thought of that as far as doctors go, but I mean, I think the stereotypical one is like computer tech. Computer tech, yeah. That I could probably agree on, but outside of that I'm not sure.

[Co-host 3]

Like you've never. Because we have a few friends who are doctors and I can think of socially challenged doctors. Yeah. But I can think of.

[Co-host 1]

And of course it doesn't mean all but a lot.

[Co-host 3]

I think if we were to make a list of the doctors that Jessica and I know. Well, I would say that it's a short list. Like only one or two of them that we have hung out with socially and had there not be a weird something. But the majority of them, they either don't laugh or they don't.

[Host]

Maybe you're just not funny or they're

[Co-host 3]

a little too close to you or they're a little stick around, linger a little too long.

[Host]

I just don't think one complete sentences.

[Co-host 3]

Right. And I don't think it's anything like negative against them. Like, I didn't think about the reason until Jen brought it up about the schooling.

[Host]

But are there any others? I mean, those are the only two. And I'm not even totally on board on doctors.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah. Because I haven't had the same experience with doctors.

[Host]

But you guys were way more passionate about this yesterday.

[Co-host 1]

I think doctors inside of an office building or inside the hospital. I mean Melissa, you have to go once a week to see your doctors once a month.

[Co-host 2]

But I see him quite a bit.

[Co-host 1]

Quite a bit. Right. So.

[Co-host 3]

Well, Melissa has to be careful how she participates in this conversation.

[Co-host 2]

Well, no, I mean in all serious I've been in social. I mean transplant doctors are not socially awkward, I can tell you. I mean, because the doctors I know at Piedmont are pretty hilarious.

[Co-host 1]

See, and I think too like the doctors that I have are great inside the doctor's office. But put them in a bar or a nightclub or whatever, in the real

[Co-host 3]

world, take them outside and take them

[Co-host 1]

outside the doctor's office of the hospital. And instead just a little bit different,

[Co-host 3]

I think different experience.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah. Because my doctors are not. Don't fit that category.

[Host]

I just haven't hung out a lot with doctors outside of hospital. So I. I wish I could contribute. I'm trying to think of other. As a general statements, professions that would be socially awkward. Radio guys, I gotta tell you.

[Co-host 3]

Uh huh.

[Host]

We were just at a convention.

[Co-host 3]

A lot of radio guys who don't really.

[Host]

They're awkward on the air and they're just as awkward off the air.

[Co-host 3]

Definitely.

[Co-host 1]

See, they hide behind their microphone.

[Co-host 2]

Yes, true.

[Co-host 3]

I think there's some level of engineers and it's probably for the same reason where you get into a certain high level engineer. And I think.

[Co-host 2]

I think personality types are attracted to certain.

[Co-host 3]

Maybe that's it.

[Co-host 2]

And I think writers sometimes are socially automated.

[Host]

Is it professions where you're pretty much just one on one with non humans. So if you're working on computers like a librarian, working with books or writing, you're just. It's you and the paper.

[Co-host 2]

Right.

[Co-host 1]

You know, writers always try to speak like they write too. And that doesn't really.

[Host]

It only works for John Mayer. Good morning Katie, you're on camera. Hey Katie.

[Caller Lisa]

Hey. I was gonna say I have my best girlfriend. Her father in law is a coroner in a south Georgia town and he is weird.

[Co-host 3]

Yeah, I get it.

[Host]

But here's the thing though, like with

[Co-host 1]

dead people and when you talk back, they don't know what to.

[Host]

Well, the problem here is that one bad coroner can brand an entire industry for her. Like, I mean this guy's so socially awkward, she assumes every corner is like that now.

[Co-host 1]

Right.

[Caller/Guest]

So true.

[Co-host 1]

That's funny. It's a body that's talking. Yeah.

[Co-host 3]

Hey Stop. What are you doing? Stop. What are you. Don't cut me open.

[Host]

Hey, Patrick. Good morning. Good morning, guys.

[Caller Susan]

Hey.

[Caller Patrick]

I have missed you guys. I've been out of town for seven months on a job, and coming back and listening to you every morning has been the highlight of my return.

[Host]

Thank you, man.

[Co-host 3]

We're just talking about you, Patrick. How we've been missing you as well.

[Caller Patrick]

My brother is a doctor, and he is a specialized. He's an allergist. So he had four years of medical school, three years of residency, and another three years of a fellowship. Yes. My brother is, without a doubt, one of the smartest guys I know. Married, seven kids.

[Caller (Various)]

Whoa.

[Caller Patrick]

And yes, completely awkward around a large social setting. He tries to. You can tell that he's trying.

[Co-host 3]

Well, not only does he not have all that education, but ever since he got out of school, he won't get off his wife, so he's really not socializing at all.

[Caller Patrick]

She can't keep his hand. Keep her hands off of him.

[Host]

Do you know another doctor, though, that is socially awkward? Because I think what I'm trying to say here, it's like a name. Like, if you date somebody and your experience with that name is so bad, then you'll never date another Mike ever again based on that one experience. Your brother is so socially awkward. You. You're assuming every other doctor is socially awkward also?

[Caller Patrick]

Well, yeah, because my. My children's pediatrician actually is a friend of my brothers. They went to medical school together, and we have gone over to his house for their children's birthday and vice versa, and he just. He sticks out like a sore thumb. I mean, just everybody you can tell.

[Co-host 1]

Think about that, Bert. Three years of medical. Well, was it four years of medical school? And that's after four years of college, right?

[Caller Patrick]

Correct.

[Co-host 1]

So you have an undergraduate degree, and

[Co-host 3]

when you're in undergraduate, four years of

[Co-host 1]

medical school, three years of a residency, and three years of a fellowship, add

[Co-host 3]

it up, and when you're in undergraduate school, you know you're going to medical school, so you're not going out.

[Co-host 2]

Well, I'm just trying to think of the seven doctors I deal with on a consistent basis, only one is socially awkward. And I'm being as honest as I can be. I can respect. On Bert saying, you know, like, you know, it depends on who you know, but, yeah, I just don't see it.

[Host]

Therapists. Yeah, therapists. Socially.

[Co-host 3]

I mean, not trying to worry you, Melissa, but I don't think you have good doctors because they clearly.

[Co-host 1]

Social.

[Co-host 2]

Because they have great personalities. Is that what you're saying?

[Co-host 3]

Exactly.

[Host]

Don't ever go see them again.

[Co-host 2]

They're not serious enough about what they're doing because they actually laugh and tell jokes, right?

[Co-host 3]

Like, I don't even think I would guess. One or two of them probably aren't even real doctors. Like, they're like, I know where the kidney goes. It's there. There. Something like that. It's the one that's smaller than the liver.

[Host]

Hey, Brian, you're on Q100. What's up?

[Caller Patrick]

Hey, good morning. I've got three of them. I just want to hear you guys,

[Host]

what you think about them.

[Caller Patrick]

People in accounting, auditors, internal auditors, and funeral home directors.

[Co-host 2]

I agree with the counter.

[Host]

And he's gone. Yeah, I said what I needed to say. I'm gone.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah. Not great with accountants.

[Co-host 3]

I think Brian was socially awkward. The guy who just called us guys

[Co-host 1]

named Brian, he's an account.

[Host]

I went out with two morticians, believe it or not. Two in. Yeah, you'd think that you only get one of those in a lifetime, right? I got two.

[Co-host 3]

What's a mortician?

[Host]

Those are people that work on dead people.

[Co-host 3]

Same as the corner.

[Host]

Yeah. Do the makeup and all that stuff.

[Co-host 3]

Oh, ew.

[Co-host 2]

They paint the ones in hospital ones after you leave the hospital and go to the home.

[Co-host 3]

Dude. How do you find morticians?

[Host]

They both. One I went to high school with and then stayed in touch with at college, and. And the other one, this is not gonna surprise you. I used to work with at Taco Bell. That's where all the hot chicks hang out. So she was like, future morticians hang out at Taco Bell.

[Co-host 3]

So while she was going to mortician school, she was stuffing burritos?

[Host]

Yeah, she was doing both. Both socially awkward, but both privately kind of nutty.

[Co-host 1]

Yeah.

[Host]

Yeah, in a good way.

[Co-host 3]

She's probably doing weird things to the dead people.

[Co-host 2]

Oh, come on. Paint on my.

[Host]

Hey, Mike. Good Morning. You're on Q100. Hey, what's up, guys?

[SpinQuest Announcer]

Hello.

[Caller Patrick]

Hey, I was thinking, what about high school janitors? I always had the weird ones who

[Caller Jennifer]

just kind of stare at you.

[Host]

That one's gonna be tough to debate right there. I think that's pretty stereotypical.

[Co-host 3]

I don't know why I was thinking about that the other day, But I remember Mr. Hoover, who is, you know, our middle school janitor, which means he was always in the boiler room. What is a boiler?

[Host]

I know what a boiler is, but you don't want to know what he was doing down there.

[Co-host 3]

Well, yeah, I know what he was doing, he was filling the five gallon bucket up with sawdust, waiting for the next person to pu. That's what he did.

[Host]

On the overall scale though, I think, like, shop teachers are more awkward than janitors.

[Co-host 3]

Shop teachers are awkward.

[Co-host 2]

I had to take a shot.

[Co-host 3]

Anybody?

[Co-host 1]

Directors, science teachers.

[Co-host 3]

You know what the deal is with a shop teacher? They went on to aspire to be like a mechanic or have their own furniture shop. And they've just been, you know, they have resigned themselves to the fact that they're teaching a bunch of yahoos how to use a, you know, bench saw.

[Host]

You're on the Birch Show.

[SpinQuest Announcer]

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[Host]

So the question comes up is we wanted to find somebody that would admit that they only date married guys. It took us a while to find it. I think we got it. Good morning, Q100.

[Caller (Various)]

Hello.

[Host]

Hello. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Thank you.

[Caller (Various)]

Yes, I only date married men and actually I have a child by a married man. And that's just all that I care to date because I feel like, I don't know, it's more of a challenge to me because there must be something in that man that someone likes that attracted them to that man. And it's like a challenge to me to try and find what that quality is.

[Host]

Whoa, Are you trying to take him away?

[Caller (Various)]

No, I don't want to take them away. I don't want to do that. Once I find out what it is and what is so attractive about them, I kind of move on to the next one.

[Co-host 3]

So you get a man, you get him to fall in love with you, you fall in love with him, you realize that the big quality is anything but loyalty. And then you, like, cut them loose. Okay, I'm bored with this.

[Co-host 2]

What qualities? Like, for instance, what qualities have you found in some of these men?

[Caller (Various)]

I know you won't believe it, but loyalty is one just really good friendship, companionship, people that make you laugh, people that can comfort you.

[Host]

Let's focus on that first one.

[Co-host 3]

Yes.

[Host]

How can that be like a major quality for you if it's obviously that

[Caller (Various)]

they make you feel when you're with them? I know that he is not being faithful to his wife when he is with me, but I feel like he's being faithful to me.

[Host]

So do you think he's capable. These guys that you date, are they capable of dating somebody behind your back?

[Caller (Various)]

Probably so, But I don't. I don't necessarily. If I don't know about it, then it doesn't bother me.

[Co-host 3]

Would that make you mad if you found out that a guy that you were exclusive with, a married man that you were dating exclusively, had a second girlfriend that you didn't know about and you discovered that would not make you mad at all?

[Caller (Various)]

No, I would just move on.

[Host]

Does the wife of the married guy that impregnated you know that you had his. Oh, you did?

[Co-host 3]

Why?

[Co-host 1]

Are they still married?

[Caller (Various)]

Yes.

[Co-host 3]

Why did you tell her?

[Caller Susan]

Because he was in denial about it,

[Caller (Various)]

and he didn't want to admit that it was his child. And I felt like the truth needed to be told. And we had DNA testing, and it is his child, and I just felt like she needed to know what she was dealing with. So I called and told her.

[Host]

If he just would have given you, like, the cash to take care of the baby, would you have gone to his wife?

[Caller (Various)]

Probably.

[Co-host 2]

So do you go to all the wives?

[Caller (Various)]

No, just that one.

[Caller Lisa]

Oh, God.

[Co-host 1]

Did you intentionally try to get pregnant?

[Caller (Various)]

No, it was an accident.

[Co-host 1]

Well, I mean, it's not really an accident, right?

[Caller (Various)]

Well, no, I guess not, but it happened.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

And now I have a child who's,

[Caller (Various)]

you know, in high school and. You know what?

[Co-host 1]

Does your child know who Daddy is?

[Caller (Various)]

I'm sorry?

[Co-host 1]

Does your child know who Daddy is?

[Caller (Various)]

Yes, he does know who he is, but he's never met him. And does he just have anything to do with him?

[Co-host 3]

Does your child know how you live your life?

[Caller (Various)]

Not really. He doesn't know that they're married, and I don't. It's not like I bring a different guy home all the time. It's, you know, I may date a guy for six months and then. Or a year and then move on.

[Co-host 3]

And you introduce these married men to your children? Child.

[Caller (Various)]

Well, he doesn't know that they're married. I'm just, you know. And it's not anything like, every week there's a different man at the house. I very rarely bring men over to my home.

[Co-host 2]

I'm curious, if you only date married men, how do you find them?

[Caller (Various)]

Different ways. I mean, police officers, there's just different. Different ways you can meet them.

[Co-host 2]

You just. You Just see that they're. They, they have a wedding ring on or like, I'm curious on, how do you determine? Okay, he's married. I'm going to continue to talk to him.

[Co-host 1]

So no single guys have the qualities

[Caller/Guest]

that a married guy has?

[Caller (Various)]

No, they probably do, but it's not a challenge to me because, you know, if I can find out what quality that Mary man has that, you know, someone was attracted to, I want to find out what that is.

[Host]

How many of these married guys that you date inevitably end up getting caught by their wives?

[Caller (Various)]

I would say probably only a couple have. And that's been over about 15 years.

[Co-host 3]

Out of how many have you dated, would you say over the past decade and a half?

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Oh, gosh, probably.

[Caller Susan]

I would say 15.

[Co-host 2]

Okay.

[Co-host 1]

For women who are listening right now, who are married, how do they affair? Affair proof their marriage, how do they make sure you don't get to their husband?

[Caller (Various)]

I believe it comes down to the bedroom. Most men aren't getting satisfied in the bedroom and they feel like they need to get that and they go somewhere else.

[Host]

Look, that's that. And what she said there is really important. We've talked about this before. We've had guys on and we asked the question, look, if everything else is going wrong in your relationship but your sex life is good, will you cheat on your girlfriend or your wife? And 90% of the guys said, as long as the sex is good, I'm sticking around. Must be so scary for a woman to hear who is so much more emotionally complex than that, you know, like that it all boils down to sex in the bedroom.

[Co-host 2]

Because I'm curious.

[Co-host 3]

As long as you're doing it, dude,

[Co-host 1]

if you're not having sex, then he's having sex with someone else.

[Caller (Various)]

He is getting it somewhere else.

[Co-host 2]

Do you think?

[Caller (Various)]

Not because he's tired, it's not because he's not in the mood. It's not because he has a headache. It's because he is getting it somewhere else and it is good. It's better than it is with you. That is why you're not getting things.

[Co-host 2]

I'm just curious, like for guys who have had women cheat on them, is it the same reason for women? And I would probably think not.

[Host]

No, I think you hear most emotional. And I hear a lot of women say, well, you know, I put up with his stuff so much that now was the time, you know, it inevitably was gonna happen. And they sort of justified in their minds just saying, I took up all that crap for so long. Yeah.

[Co-host 3]

Do you hope to ever marry one of these guys.

[Caller (Various)]

I wouldn't marry someone who was currently married.

[Co-host 3]

I mean, you know, obviously, but I

[Caller (Various)]

mean, where I, you know, want to change what I do, and I may want to find someone that's single, but no, I would never. I would never make someone divorce their wife and marry them because I would know that he's probably going to do that again to me. So I would not do that.

[Host]

This is a sort of. This is sort of a complex question here, and I'm not really sure that you can answer it. Are you saying that these dudes mostly fell to you because they weren't getting any sex or the sex that they were getting was just bad and boring?

[Caller (Various)]

Probably just bad and boring. That's monotonous.

[Co-host 2]

I think it's funny how you say that you wouldn't marry a guy who is married and divorced his wife for you because he would do it to you, but yet the reason you're attracted to him is because you think they have better qualities than the single guys.

[Caller (Various)]

Not that they have better qualities. It's just a challenge to find out what the qualities are that some woman in particular was attracted to him about.

[Host]

All right. You're a fascinating creature.

[Co-host 2]

She called up and. Yeah, opened up because I think there's so many other women out there that were too chicken to call us up. So at least I commend you for calling and being open with us.

[Host]

And I think, I mean, if you were listening closely, you got something out of there. I mean, she's telling you, if you want to really protect your relationship, it. Unfortunately, with guys, it boils down to sex, you know? All right, thanks for calling. All right, bye. Bye.

[Co-host 2]

And I'm fascinated. I call people chicken. I did it twice. I called the woman chicken. Like, am I.

[Host]

Well, you didn't call her yeller.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah, Yeller.

[Co-host 1]

Chicken.

[Host]

Hey, Mary, good morning. Here on Q100.

[Caller (Various)]

Hey, good morning, guys. How are you?

[Co-host 3]

Good.

[Co-host 1]

How are you?

[Caller (Various)]

I just wanted to call because I hear these women calling who only date married men, and it honestly just makes me sick how they can be that selfish. Because I'm 25 years old and my dad is cheating on my mom, and they have no idea what they're doing to these families. And I don't care if they date married men with children or not.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

It's just disgusting.

[Caller (Various)]

It makes me not want to get married. It makes me not believe in marriage. It's.

[Co-host 2]

Well, I think it gives a bad. I think a lot. So many of the conversations we have on air, because I don't date men. So from the outside looking in, I find that it gives guys such a bad name, you know? Like, I feel like if I was straight, that I would be really. I don't know if I would be able to trust men. And so it's. You know, and I think that.

[Host]

I mean, at least on this show,

[Co-host 2]

you know, I mean, I'm serious.

[Host]

It goes both ways, though. Let's go both ways.

[Co-host 2]

I don't think so. I mean, it goes. It goes both ways. But I think that in general, I think that there are so many women who don't trust men because they think all men cheat.

[Host]

Well, and then, I mean, we could always do this. We've done this before where there are some women that are like, I know he's gonna cheat, so I'll just. That's just part of a guy's nature. So I just put up with it because I know.

[Caller Susan]

It's just.

[Co-host 2]

I couldn't live with that.

[Host]

Listen, it's the vert show.

[Co-host 2]

I am fascinated by the fact that it is still embarrassing to purchase anything that has to do possibly with sexual, you know, any kind of sex product, because we've talked on the show about how there are so many people. I may be the only female in the room that has no problem going to a sex, you know, store that deals in those products. But for some reason, when I'm outside that sex store, because, I mean, I don't go often, but when I do go, I. I will go, and I'm fine with it. I'm not embarrassed when I go in there.

[Host]

But for some reason, you're not looking down, trying to avoid icons with everyone.

[Co-host 2]

I'm usually with somebody, we're laughing or we're, you know, having a good time or whatever, because probably making fun of the guys that are in there.

[Co-host 3]

Sure.

[Co-host 2]

Usually with their, you know, heads down. Guys never come in twos in the. Into the place that come in by themselves.

[Host]

You got to be really careful about what section that you're. You're passing through. Some. You go. Pass through quickly.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah.

[Host]

You don't have to.

[Co-host 2]

So I talk about that like, you know, yeah, what's the big deal? Well, then I go into just a regular drugstore where there's other products in there. And for some reason, I get embarrassed because I was at Walgreens the other day, and I tweeted about this because it was almost very Murphy's Law. If something's meant to go wrong, it will in my life. So we, Katie and I are in Walgreens just Running errands. And then we are at the impulse aisle right there at the checkout. And there was a product we had seen on tv. So commercials work. There's some KY product that's supposed to enhance female. Whatever.

[Co-host 1]

Is that the one that warms up?

[Co-host 2]

I have no. I mean, I don't know.

[Co-host 1]

I've seen ads for that.

[Co-host 2]

I don't know, because she hates me talking about this. Because, I mean. But yes, we're adults and, you know, we buy products sometimes. So does everybody.

[Co-host 3]

That scared the hell out of me.

[Co-host 2]

So does everybody. So, anyway, so there. So there's this product, this KY product, and it was right there with three or four other KY products right there next to the gum and the spearmints, whatever. So we're buying other things. And so. And it was really. Katie had all the stuff that she was going to buy, and she said, I'm not putting that in my pile. I'm not putting that in there. I'm not buying that. I'm like, you know what? Fine, fine, I'll do it. So I grab it, and so she decides that she's going to get in front of me, she's going to pay for the items, and she actually takes off and gets out.

[Co-host 1]

She pretends like she doesn't know me.

[Co-host 2]

She pretends that she does not know me.

[Host]

She's a KY coward.

[Co-host 2]

She's a ky. That's right. She actually took her bags and she went to. Where in the. In the front of the store. There are, you know, like, news, like the AJC and USA Today and all that stuff. So she thought that it would be a quick process, so she'd go and look at the paper. And then May. Halfway in between, lukewarm, like, I'm one foot out the door, but one foot waiting on you, honey. And I'm standing there, so I. And then she makes me feel awkward, so I grab a chapstick with it. Like. Like the cashier cares that I'm buying anything else.

[Co-host 3]

No, she's probably thinking, where you putting that chapstick?

[Co-host 2]

So I get to the counter thinking, this is going to be a quick purchase. So I put the KY thing. I don't even know what it's called, but it's in a black box. And so I put it on the counter with my chapstick. And then, of course, she has to do something at the moment. So she leaves me standing there for at least 30 seconds, which seems like

[Co-host 3]

picking out a bag of Skittles, put

[Co-host 2]

that over, and there's people behind me. And I thought. And then I start, you know, kind of blushing because I thought, well, this is kind of. This is, you know, by this KY thing. So now I'm starting to get embarrassed because Katie's made me feel self conscious. And then all of a sudden, she tries to ring me up, and then there's no tape in the cash register. She has to call the manager over to go replace the tape at the cash register. So I'm standing there for about 10 more minutes.

[Host]

Why?

[Co-host 2]

Because it never. There's never a manager that is absolutely immediately available at a drugstore. So I. So yeah, so by that point, Katie had started the car, and I think she's already gone down and threw cab fare at me.

[Host]

You bought $340 worth of other items to try to hide.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah, just to hide it. But I did. I mean, it's still in the bag, probably in the trunk of my car. So it has not been used. Because I think by that point I thought, I cannot believe I just put myself in this situation and threw it in the trunk. But, yeah, so I got embarrassed at the drugstore because of course the tape runs out when I walk up.

[Host]

You gotta get that out of the trunk of your car right there. Cause that is Dateline material right there. Find people on Dateline. Normally there's a crazy. There's a bottle of that stuff in there.

[Co-host 3]

Or what happens if you just get bumped? Like you're in a wreck and you bumped. And the trunk pops open?

[Co-host 2]

But then it made me mad that, I mean, the economy size. No, it's not the economy size, but yeah.

[Co-host 1]

Do you ever want to cashier comment on your purchases or ask about them? Because I have a friend who was purchasing, you know, a similar product to whatever you were getting. And the cashier was like, oh, so how is this stuff?

[Co-host 2]

Does it work?

[Host]

Well, you like it?

[Co-host 1]

Or whatever was like, asking her questions about it.

[Co-host 2]

And the cashier's probably embarrassed about ringing it up. I don't know why we are.

[Host]

It doesn't even have to be a line, like, addressing you about it. It could just be a sound. Like if that KY goes across and she goes, Are there other applications for that? Or does that pretty, like, is that pretty much mean what it means?

[Co-host 2]

I mean.

[Co-host 1]

Oh, that means what it means.

[Host]

Means what it means. Okay.

[Co-host 3]

I mean, you can use it like,

[Host]

you could use it as an excuse, right?

[Co-host 3]

Well, maybe like, if you got a 10 speed you haven't ridden in a while and the ball bearings are dry, you'd use it to pack.

[Co-host 2]

You meant that Literally not feasting ball bearings. That was funny.

[Co-host 3]

Oh, you're such a perv.

[Co-host 2]

I know.

[Host]

Hey, Chelsea. Good morning.

[Caller Lisa]

Good morning. I'm so excited to be on the show with you all today.

[Host]

Thank you for coming on.

[Caller Lisa]

So I heard this story that y' all were just telling, and I actually think maybe it's conspiracy, because the same thing almost exactly happened to me.

[Caller (Various)]

Really?

[Caller Lisa]

I went to, I think, a Publix. It was, you know, towards closing time, maybe 9pm with my fiance, and we were picking up a bunch of stuff, just normal whatever, and realized that we were out of condoms. So they have them locked in like a glass case.

[Host]

You have to break it open in

[Co-host 3]

an emergency alarm goes off. You gotta be like, what's her name in that movie?

[Caller Lisa]

I had to track someone down to unlock it for us, and I was embarrassed, so I made him do it while I kind of hid behind something. You know, it's not like I'm stealing something. And then we go up to checkout, and for some reason, I don't know why, they bag them separately. You know, you have your soda and whatever, and then they put the condom in its own bag, contaminate your other stuff.

[Co-host 2]

I don't know.

[Host]

It's got to be in solitary confinement.

[Caller Lisa]

They forgot to give it to me. So I leave, and I'm driving away, and someone in their car starts waving hysterically at me. They want you to go back to Publix. You left something? No, they sent someone after me to get my condoms to tell me I left my condoms. So I had to go back and have them hand them to me personally.

[Co-host 2]

They're yelling at you in the parking lot. Hey, lady, I got your condoms.

[Caller Lisa]

You forgot your big exercise, glow in the dark condoms.

[Co-host 3]

Don't you want some of that warming Ky?

[Host]

Also, I wonder if we could find cashiers that would. Would confess that they jack with customers on purpose when items like that are being bought.

[Co-host 2]

Her tape wasn't out at Walgreens. She probably just.

[Stephanie (Caller)]

Oh, God.

[Co-host 2]

It was just. I wasn't embarrassed until she made me stand there for 10 minutes.

[Host]

Here's Missa, who works at a Walgreen. Hey, Missa, do you purposely jack with some people that come by to buy the more embarrassing stuff?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, if it's a female buying something by herself, I'll kind of just, like, look at her like, you know, what

[Caller Lisa]

are you doing with that?

[Caller/Guest]

Or whatever, you know, and kind of giggle with her and stuff. Embarrass them. But what I called to say was, we have, like, early 20s people, mid-20s. Like my age come in here with couples and everything, and half the time the girl will like stand off to the side while the guy is buying the condoms. Or she'll just run out of the store before he makes his purchase.

[Host]

I don't really she's that embarrassed by it, Definitely.

[Caller Lisa]

Which they should be proud of that

[Caller/Guest]

they're practicing safe sex.

[Host]

Exactly. This is the Birch Show.

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