Full Show PT 3: Tuesday, July 14 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Tuesday, July 14 [Vault]

Date: July 14, 2026
Podcast Team: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the Bert Show Cast

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Episode Overview

This episode brings the real-life, candid, and humorous perspective that The Bert Show is known for, diving into:

• Embarrassing gym stories and body image challenges
• A dramatic real-life breakup, dog custody, and legal drama
• Quarter-life crises and adulthood milestones
• Advice for romantic homecomings when partners are reunited

The cast and callers share authentic, often hilarious, and occasionally heartfelt stories, making for an episode packed with relatable moments and practical advice.

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1. Gym Fails and Body Image Struggles

Segment Start: 00:58

Key Points

• Joanna reacts to a cryptic tweet by Producer Joanna about an embarrassing gym incident.
• Group guesses the cause of the embarrassment—ripping pants, possibly farting at the gym.
• Melissa reveals she inadvertently attended the gym with a big hole in her pants:
  “I had a huge hole in the butt of my pants that I wore to the gym... I did not know until I was washing my clothes...” (Melissa, 02:00)
• The gang discusses the importance of female solidarity—why didn’t another woman alert her?

Body Image Moments

• Melissa shares a birthday story about shopping for jeans, discovering she no longer fits her usual size 5:
  “I couldn’t get them over my thighs... Not only am I a year older now but now I have to go up another size.” (Melissa, 05:16)
• Jeff and Bert discuss the emotional impact of sizing up and how body changes are both reality and lifestyle-related.
• Melissa admits:
  “I know I’m young, but I’m realizing that my body just doesn’t lose weight as fast as I did when I was 18...” (06:42)

Notable Quotes

• “Would you rather hold on to clothes that you know don't fit well and you're going to be uncomfortable in them for a long time before you have to admit that you have to go up a size?” (Bert, 06:14)
• “It’s defeating.” (Jeff, 05:55)

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2. Real-Life Relationship Drama: The Dog Custody Battle

Segment Start: 11:04

Situation

• Sue returns with updates about a distressing breakup:
  Her ex shows up at her house demanding the return of a puppy he gifted a year and a half ago. Police get involved, siding with the ex due to paperwork with his name.

Emotional Impact

• Sue laments:
  “I just want him to leave me alone. ... He can have the dog. That’s fine. ... I just want him to leave me alone.” (Sue, 15:54)
• Discussion shifts to potential legal options, with listeners and cast members debating whether Sue can reclaim the dog in court—Judge Judy and cop opinions abound.

Practical Advice

• Callers (including a police officer) recommend getting a Temporary Protective Order and pursuing civil court.
  “The police handled it the correct way... All she's going to need to do is go to court and prove that she had it taken care of ... and she'll get the dog back or an amount of money.” (Caller, 18:20)
• Attorney Alan from McCartney and Khan law firm offers pro bono legal assistance. (24:05)
• The team supports Sue, promising to coordinate legal help and urging her to act swiftly:
  “If you’re even thinking about going in that direction, ... do it today. Because this dude is so spiteful that I could see him putting the dog up for adoption today...” (Bert, 21:30)

Noteworthy Moments

• “He's an energy sucker... Energy sucker. Call him up.” (Bert, 19:17)
• “That dude is not stable.” (Bert, 22:51)
• “She just sounds beat down, man.” (Bert, 24:49)

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3. Facing Adulthood: Quarter-Life Crisis

Segment Start: 27:01

Main Conversation

• Intern Lauren discusses turning 23 and feeling “so old”—narrating her own “quarter-life crisis.”
• Cohosts reflect on being weaned into adulthood vs. being thrown in; the challenge of financial independence, “the baby of the family” dynamic, and siblings’ lingering resentments.

Notable Quotes

• “23, the whole world changes.” (Bert, 27:11)
• “It's totally the economy.” (Intern Lauren, 28:39)
• “As a teenager, you can't complain about wanting to be an adult. And then when you're an adult, act like you ... want to be home and mom and dad take care of everything.” (Melissa, 28:56)

Relatable Moments

• Confessions of dependence after college
• Sibling rivalry over parental support (“I had to pay for my own college, they paid for Brandon’s 15 years ago. Woman, let it go.” – Bert, 31:02)

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4. Romance & Reunions: Making Homecomings Special

Segment Start: 39:49

Call-In: Monica’s Romantic Weekend Dilemma

• Monica’s husband returns for a rare kid-free weekend; she asks for advice on planning a memorable, romantic homecoming.

Suggestions from Cast and Callers:

• Wear nothing but a bow at the door (Jeff, 40:37)
• Home-cooked meals instead of dining out—keep it intimate and simple (Caller Steven, 44:29)
• Sexy outfits or “grab bag” lingerie for different moments and activities
  “Every day the husbands, like, choose out of the grab bag of lingerie and they know that that night we're going to be wearing something new.” (Caller, 47:24)
• Change up locations at home for intimacy since the kids are away (“You got a whole house—different venues and different clothes for the whole weekend.” – Bert, 45:20)
• Send teasing texts before he arrives home to build anticipation (Wendy, 48:51)
• Clean the house and get his car washed to minimize his distractions (Katie, 50:07)
• Incorporate his interests (TV for the Masters golf tournament, fishing, etc.)

Memorable Advice

• “Sex is an easy first answer, but ... there are things that you can plug in to make it extra special.” (Katie, 41:32)
• “It's like having a Victoria's Secret Easter egg hunt. ... And when he finds it, you're the bunny.” (Bert, 47:28)
• “Look good for him. ... Maximize that time. ... It's only one weekend.” (Katie & Wendy, 48:51)

---

5. Intern Birthday Assignment

Segment Start: 31:24

Discussion

• The team gives Intern Lauren a voice-mail assignment for her birthday: record an hourly update during her night out, capturing her “drunk phases”—this builds on a previous similar segment with intern Reshma turning 21.

Memorable Audio (Reshma’s Night Out)

• “I’ve had a couple mini bottles, couple drinks, some stuff, some shots, some other stuff I don’t remember. But I’ll call you later back.” (Reshma, 33:34)
• “It’s intern Reshma here… they like IV’d me and I alcohol there…” (Reshma, 36:22)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “I had a huge hole in the butt of my pants that I wore to the gym...” (Melissa, 02:00)
• “I just want him to leave me alone. ... He can have the dog. ... I just want him to leave me alone.” (Sue, 15:54)
• “Sex is an easy first answer, but ... there are things that you can plug in to make it extra special.” (Katie, 41:32)
• “It’s like having a Victoria's Secret Easter egg hunt. ... And when he finds it, you’re the bunny.” (Bert, 47:28)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:04 – Gym embarrassment story
• 05:16 – “Sizing up” and birthday jeans drama
• 11:04 – Sue's breakup/dog custody crisis
• 18:20 – Legal advice from police caller and attorney offers help
• 27:01 – Intern Lauren’s quarter-life crisis
• 31:24 – Birthday voicemail challenge assignment
• 39:49 – Monica's romantic homecoming advice call-in
• 45:20 – Outfits & home intimacy suggestions
• 50:07 – Practical: clean house & car advice

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Conclusion

The Bert Show continues to blend humor, camaraderie, and genuine support across real-life issues, from embarrassing mishaps and personal growth to heartfelt relationship dilemmas. Listeners are invited to laugh, sigh, and relate—while walking away with both comfort and actionable ideas.

Transcript

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[Bert]

Refreshers contain caffeine. The Bird show all right, Wendy, you saw the cryptic tweet yesterday.

[Joanna]

Yeah, I saw it. And Joanna posted. Producer Joanna posted it. And I immediate was like, what is this all about? This is the quoted tweet caps omg. I am caps so embarrassed. I can capital letters never return to my gym again.

[Melissa]

Dot, dot dot.

[Joanna]

And then she obviously got a response back from Jen Fallon, who's been on the show, and she responds to Jen, worse than falling off the treadmill. Although that is one of my biggest fears.

[Jeff]

So it's so you didn't fall off

[Joanna]

the treadmill, but it's something in that.

[Bert]

All right, let's try to guess. Let's try to guess. Go around the room and guess.

[Jeff]

Well, I'd have to defer to what Jen said earlier.

[Wendy]

Yeah, I said earlier that you tooted on the treadmill. You totally farted while Ryan really, really loud.

[Bert]

That would be the initial. Yeah, unless something ripped.

[Jeff]

I mean, what? Yeah, it is more embarrassing than falling split your pants.

[Melissa]

Am I allowed to tell you?

[Bert]

Anybody else with any other guesses?

[Jeff]

It's gotta be fart.

[Bert]

You farted.

[Jeff]

He farted.

[Melissa]

I had a huge hole in the butt of my pants that I wore to the gym from a fart.

[Katie]

So you didn't split them at the gym, but you had a hole when you went there?

[Melissa]

Yes, and I did not know until I was washing my clothes yesterday and I was folding them and I picked up the pants and I was like, omg, how long did these just happen in the wash? Like, I'm hoping that it happened in the wash and it got bigger.

[Reshma]

So.

[Melissa]

But it probably didn't.

[Katie]

And here's how big was it?

[Melissa]

It Was a big enough hole. And I mean, I have a big butt, so it looks even bigger on my butt.

[Katie]

Cause I'm sure it's like a quarter size nickel size. You're probably exaggerating it.

[Melissa]

I know. I'll bring in the pants and show you. They were huge. It was huge.

[Joanna]

And I'm surprised.

[Melissa]

I didn't feel like, you know, a draft. How did I not feel a draft?

[Wendy]

Were you wearing regular underwear or.

[Melissa]

No, I was wearing a thong.

[Wendy]

A thong?

[Bert]

You wear a thong to the gym?

[Wendy]

Shoot.

[Jeff]

Yeah, that would be gym.

[Melissa]

No, I wear a thong all the time.

[Bert]

So is it comfortable at the gym?

[Caller Monica]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

Yeah. If you wear it all the time,

[Bert]

you don't even notice.

[Joanna]

You don't get used to it.

[Katie]

So is the hole somewhere where it would be pervy, or was it just big old butt cheek?

[Melissa]

No, it was, like, in the middle.

[Reshma]

Oh, no.

[Jeff]

So when you farted and caused this hole, did you have to scoot on your butt to get the fire out of your fabric?

[Melissa]

They actually threw me on the ground and started rolling.

[Jeff]

You? Yeah.

[Lady Luck]

Put the fire out.

[Jeff]

Stop, drop, and roll.

[Sue]

Huh.

[Melissa]

But the worst part is that I run to the gym because it's a few miles. So I started thinking, every car that passed me.

[Joanna]

Oh.

[Melissa]

Probably saw me. And I do remember getting stared at a lot. And I was like, why isn't much good today? Cause everyone's staring at me.

[Wendy]

Oh, no.

[Melissa]

Oh, it's so embarrassing. I don't think I can go back. I'm gonna cancel my membership.

[Katie]

You know who I've got a problem with in this. In this whole situation Are the other women at the gym.

[Wendy]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Shouldn't they tell you?

[Katie]

Because a woman should pull you aside like a guy can't do it. Cause it kind of. It's creeper. But a woman should pull you aside and go, hey, I just want to let you know and fill in the blank.

[Melissa]

Come over and wrap your jacket around me and say, honey, go home now.

[Bert]

So if you're not feeling insecure enough about that, because here you are. I've heard you. You throw around. I've already got a big butt. Maybe I ripped them apart here. I hear Joanna earlier this morning, talk to Wendy about this. Just being really bummed out. Really bummed out when she bought some jeans a couple days ago.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Monday was my birthday, and Jason and took me to the Braves game. So I was like, I'm gonna go find a cute outfit to wear to the Braves game. So I go to the store, and I've been a size 5 since I can remember I can buy a size 5 jeans and know that they're going to fit.

[Wendy]

5 is a junior's size though.

[Melissa]

No, 5 is a normal size.

[Wendy]

Well it's usually 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 but juniors are like 3, 5, 7.

[Melissa]

I'm definitely not a junior size but I've always worn fives and so when I went to the store I don't like to try stuff on in the store I always just buy it, take it home. If it doesn't look good, I'll return it.

[Jeff]

I'm that way too.

[Katie]

Are you really?

[Jeff]

Yes, I just don't like.

[Attorney Alan]

I don't.

[Katie]

I never try and hate dressing really

[Joanna]

never tryin in the same way.

[Melissa]

I'm just in a hurry, I don't really even wanna be there so if

[Bert]

it's a time management issue, isn't it gonna take you more time to return it if it doesn't fit well than it would just to try it on?

[Jeff]

Initially, I just, I think it's tripping in there.

[Melissa]

Logically yes, but no, not for me. I don't like to try it on so I bought five jeans, they've always fit. So I get home and trying on my outfit, getting ready for the Braves game and I start to put the jeans on. Well they were capris cause I knew it was gonna be hot and, and I couldn't get them over my thighs and I just was like really? Like not only am I a year older now but now I have to go up another size.

[Wendy]

That's not a good thing to do on your birthday?

[Melissa]

No, it's a feeling.

[Katie]

Why don't you just split them right at the butt crack like you did with the other pants you have for a woman?

[Bert]

Is that like a really tough day when you have to admit that you have to go up in size based on what? Everything that you guys talked about with weight that must be like a, that must be a horrible day because that's

[Jeff]

usually a motivation for you. It's like, you know what? Regardless of what's going on in my life, if I can, I just want to stay in this size I will, you know, if I keep my size then I'm good. And that's usually a measure if you're working out or exercising, whatever. If I can stay in my size I'm good. And then if you have to buy a size. But it is, yeah, it is a, it's a. It's defeating.

[Bert]

Would you rather hold on to clothes that you know don't fit well and you're going to be uncomfortable in them for a long time before you have to admit that you have to go up a size.

[Jeff]

I've definitely done that. Yes.

[Wendy]

This happens even to women who are having babies. My friends that are pregnant and, you know, their stomachs are expanding for a reason. They still don't want to buy any clothes. They're like, no, no, no, no. I'm not buying that maternity stuff until I absolutely have to. And then they're like, they will not change their size.

[Melissa]

I think this is the point in my life where I'm realizing that my body. And I'm not saying I'm old, I'm only 26. I know I'm young, but I'm realizing that my body just doesn't lose weight as fast as I did when I was 18. And I'm at that point and I'm like, I can go run like I used to, but I'm not gonna lose it in a week like I did when I was 18. I just have to be more careful now.

[Jeff]

I mean, I turned 40 this year and I understand what you're saying. I think it's an easy excuse to say that. I think lifestyle is different from 18. Like, I'm 40 and I'm bigger than I was when I was in my 20s. But I've done that to myself because I don't run around like I used to in my 20s. I'm in a relationship in which we sit and we make big meals every night. I certainly would skip meals all the time when I was in my twenties. You know what I mean? So I see what you're saying. But then there's a part of me that feels, feels like either I refuse to believe that because I know that it's up to me, or because I've really looked at that, like at 40. Because I refuse to say that.

[Bert]

You know, your metabolism absolutely changes, though. Your body chemistry changes.

[Wendy]

It's a change.

[Jeff]

Your body chemistry changes. I know, but I think so many times women use that as a reason to. Because my lifestyle has changed. My metabolism may have changed, but so has my lifestyle. If I make big meals at dinner, that means I've got to do more exercise to take away the big meal that Katie and I just made.

[Bert]

If you kept everything even for 20 years, same foods, right, same exercise, nothing changes. You're going to gain weight as a 40 year old.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but I mean. Yeah, but I mean, looking, maybe, maybe. I don't know. I have not been consistent for 20 years. You know, I have not been consistent with my eating I've not been consistent with my exercising. I certainly haven't. You know, I mean. Yeah. So I don't know. But I mean, maybe. I just think at 26, that's a little too young to feel that way, to be honest with you.

[Bert]

Good morning. Q100.

[Caller Monica]

Hi.

[Bert]

Hi.

[Sue]

I was just calling and commenting on

[Caller]

what y' all were talking about.

[Bert]

Okay, now's a good time. Cool.

[Reshma]

I'm almost 21.

[Caller]

I've been wearing the same size for about since high school. Like a three, four, even a five. And now I'm starting to fit into. I have to move up to a seven now because my thighs are getting fitted.

[Bert]

That day's hard, isn't it?

[Caller]

Yeah. My mom says because I've been having sex. I don't know.

[Bert]

Is because. What?

[Joanna]

Oh, because you're doing it.

[Bert]

So your mom says that your thighs are getting larger because you're having sex?

[Reshma]

Yes.

[Bert]

That's funny.

[Wendy]

That is an abstinence campaign right there.

[Bert]

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[Lady Luck]

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[McDonald's Announcer]

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[Bert]

Refreshers contain caffeine. Hey, the bird show not so psycho. Sue is back. Hey, Sue.

[Sue]

Hey.

[Bert]

You sound exhausted. Exhausted?

[Sue]

Yeah, I am.

[Bert]

So we got the police involved now, huh?

[Sue]

Yeah, I was actually out to dinner with my brothers last night and their wives, and we were gonna watch the UConn Stanford game because my sister in law went to Stanford. And when we were driving home from the dinner, we drove into like, where my house is, and two of my roommates were standing outside and I saw my ex's car and I saw them yelling at him kind of. And then I saw like a bunch of neighbors out, like, looking. And so my brother's got out first and they were just like, what are you doing here? You need to leave. Like, you just need to leave her alone. And by then I had gotten out and he goes, well, about a year and a half ago, he got me a puppy for like, as a present. And he was like, I'm here to get the puppy.

[Katie]

Oh, no, you can't take the puppy.

[Sue]

And so I want the puppy back. And I was like, are you. Are you serious? And he was like, yeah, I want it back now. He's like, it's mine. He's like, I have the papers right here. I signed for them. And I was like, you gave it to me as a gift. And it's been a year and a half and I've spent a bunch of money on her and you're going to take her away from me? And he was like, yes. And so then the cop. I'm trying not to cut. Then the cops showed up and because one of the neighbors called and he basically. They were like. When they got there, he told them why he was there and like, his name is on the adoption papers because he got this dog for me. So the cops just said, you know, you have to give him the dog if he wants the dog back. Oh, no. Yeah. And so then I had to give him the dog back. And I just handed him the leash. And then I was like, he needs to leave. Like, I don't want him here. And I told the cops everything. And they were like, if he. They basically told me, you know, if he bothers you anymore, you just need to call us right away. Like, we can't really do anything right now because he was coming to get something that was his and we can't bother you. And we're really sorry about your dog, but there's nothing we can do because it's technically his.

[Joanna]

No, you can sue him to get that dog back. I've watched a lot Judge Judy. Trust me, I've seen these cases.

[Bert]

Really?

[Joanna]

No, because if.

[Wendy]

Seriously?

[Joanna]

Yeah. If it's a gift and you've had it for a certain amount of time and you can have witnesses and proof of your roommate having that dog, you can go get your dog back in court.

[Jeff]

I would love to see Judge Judy give him a good.

[Caller Monica]

Yes.

[Joanna]

No, but seriously, you can do that to get your dog back because it was a gift.

[Bert]

Now, so the dog has been in your hands and in your care for a year and a half, and now he decides he wants it back?

[Sue]

Yes. And he texted my. Because two of my brothers are way older than him, but one of my brothers is only three years older than me, so they were pretty close. And he texted him, and he was just like, it didn't have to be like this, but she won't talk to me.

[Wendy]

Oh, wow.

[Jeff]

He was trying. Yeah. It's such a tragic ending because to me, I feel like the initial reason was for him to have an excuse to come over there, and then he made it bad.

[SpinQuest Announcer]

Hold on.

[Bert]

Here's Renee here. We may need to get a police officer or two on, because some are calling up saying that they might have handled that situation incorrectly.

[Caller Monica]

Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah, they definitely did love the show.

[Reshma]

But I've been through this before.

[Caller]

When something is given as a gift, you cannot take it back. Those cops, maybe they were new or something, but I've even had cops tell me if it's given as a gift. No, ma'. Am. He can't take it back.

[Katie]

But I think the confusion comes from if he came in with the paperwork that showed that it was owned by him.

[Caller Monica]

Right.

[Katie]

The cop has to.

[Bert]

Can't assume it's a present.

[Katie]

Yeah, the cat. The cop has to side with the. With the evidence. So if he has paperwork. And she said and said, you know, hey, this is my paperwork. This is my dog. She was. It was staying over here, I think. I think, unfortunately, I think the cop made the right decision at the time. Now.

[Jeff]

And the sad thing is that it's just another reason for you to have to deal with him. Like, he knows that this is. You want. He expects you to come after the

[Bert]

dog, which is exactly such a manipulator, this guy, in any way. He's like a little kid that wants attention, either positive or negative, but so long he's getting attention. That's all he wants, right? Tool.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Joanna]

And that's another word.

[Katie]

And that's what he's what? A Bradford beer. And now what he's doing is, guess what? If he.

[McDonald's Announcer]

If.

[Katie]

If you take him to court or whatever the next step would be, then he's probably gonna say, well, we don't have to go to court. Let's just come over here and we'll talk about it. Or, come over here and I'll give the dog back to you.

[Jeff]

Yeah, he's gonna.

[Katie]

He's gonna stretch this out.

[Sue]

Yeah, well, he texted me this morning. Cause I guess he was asked to come on the show, and he's like, I'm not coming on the show unless you come on with me and hear me out.

[Bert]

And you don't want to do that, right?

[Sue]

I mean, I don't want it. I just want him to leave me alone. It's getting ridiculous. Like, just leave me alone. Like, and he's probably not listening right now. He's at work. But, like, if he does ever listen, just leave me alone. Like, he can have the dog. That's fine. Like, it's whatever now. But I just want him to leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with him. And the worst part is, the guy that I'm dating now was there. So he had to witness all this.

[Katie]

Oh, there's nothing he could do about it.

[Bert]

How. How long y' all been dating?

[Sue]

For? About three months. I mean, officially been dating because he wanted this whole situation to be over.

[Bert]

Well, three months is long enough, period. Where, like, if it's a first or second date, he may say, what am I walking into here? Here's a girl with a lot of baggage. But you're three months.

[Wendy]

But he's already told her that was the reason that he didn't want to get serious with her was all this baggage. And then he sees that this may be the tipping point for him.

[Caller Monica]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

That stinks. I'm so sorry, because that's not your fault.

[Bert]

Well, we might be able to handle the. At least the dog portion of this whole thing today, which might make you feel a little bit better. That sucks. That's like somebody coming into your house and ripping a family member away. You can't do that.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but the thing is, however, she has gets to resolve it. She can't do it by herself. Like, I'd rather somebody else go. And this dog.

[Katie]

She should almost hire a lawyer to deal with it, because they just need

[Jeff]

to deal with him, and then just

[Katie]

It'd be worth the couple hundred bucks an hour, whatever lawyer costs.

[Bert]

I know we're being mean here and stuff, but isn't there something we can

[Jeff]

do on our end?

[Bert]

I mean, like we had talked about putting his picture up, like if we threatened to put his picture up on our website. He wants that to stay away from this guy.

[Katie]

Unless he wants the attention.

[Jeff]

Ignoring him is better.

[Katie]

He wants the attention, I think. I mean, if she's, if she wants to pursue it, I think she calls a lawyer. The lawyer finds the proof whether it's an old vet bill, whether it's the food kept at her house, whether it's a dog bed that has been at that, whatever, whatever the thing is, sends a certified letter, boom, it's done.

[Wendy]

Because I think that he does want the attention. Because even if, say, sue did get back with him, he would be bored with that in two minutes and he'd be onto somebody else, the bride. So if we post his or somebody else, I mean, if we post his picture up and he becomes more popular and he's a good looking guy and somebody contacts him, that's just perpetuate. Perpetuates it for somebody else.

[Bert]

Look, somebody wanted to date Scott Peterson while he was in jail.

[Wendy]

Somebody's dating O.J. simpson.

[Bert]

So there's always somebody crazy enough to date crazy. Here is Jessica. Good morning. You are on Q100. Hi.

[Caller Monica]

Hi.

[Caller]

I'm a police officer. All she needs to do is get, go to her county where she lives and get a temporary protective order and he won't be able to contact her. And if he does, then he'll be arrested immediately. The second thing is going to be a civil matter with the dogs. The police handled it the correct way when they were out there because of the proof that they had at the time. All she's going to need to do is go to court and prove that she had it taken care of it for any amount of time, vet bills or anything like that. And then they'll be able to handle it in civil court and she'll get the dog back or an amount of money.

[Jeff]

You say perfect, but she's got to go to court with this dude.

[Katie]

No, she doesn't. She hires a lawyer.

[Jeff]

She's trying to. He, he has. She has to be part of his life. No, I could see where I could. I'd be like, you know what? It rips my heart out, but I don't want to deal with it anymore.

[Bert]

I think it's. Jen's used the word excuse me before on the show. It just takes up headspace.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

He has to be in her head all the time. Even if he does, she doesn't have to see him in court or doesn't have to talk to him on the phone. He's just occupying that headspace.

[Wendy]

He's an energy sucker.

[Bert]

Energy sucker. Call him up.

[Katie]

He's a pungent spunk.

[Bert]

Yeah. Sue, you must be so torn on what to do, because obviously you want the dog back, but you don't want any tie to this dude at all, Right?

[Sue]

I want the dog back so bad that I was talking to my mom this morning, and I was like, you know, I might just go on the show with him and listen to him just so I can get the dog.

[Joanna]

No, no.

[Sue]

My mom was like, no. She's like, we'll figure out something else. But he basically. He told a lot of his friends who told me, because they feel so bad that he took the dog, that he's probably just gonna give the dog up to an animal shelter anyways just, like, to hurt me more.

[Bert]

Wow. That dude is unbelievable. That's like evil psychopath.

[Sue]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

I'm so sorry.

[Bert]

Here.

[Katie]

If we had a. I feel like there's something. If we had an attorney who is a bird show listener who is willing to help out, would you want that help or are you done with it?

[Sue]

I would probably talk to my parents first and just see what they want to do, because it's going to the point where, I mean, as old as we are, like, my parents have to be more involved now because he. I mean, before. The reason why he ended up showing up was because he called me, like. He called me like, 15 times an hour for, like, five hours yesterday. So he sent me more flowers and was just, like, bothering me so much. And so I turned off my phone for the night because I just wanted to spend time with my family and be left alone. And then he showed up. So my parents want to get a restraining order against them, but we're just discussing everything. But, I mean, if there was someone who was willing to help that would help me out, to be able to talk to them and see what my options are.

[Bert]

I think we can get you that help.

[Katie]

Because my thought is, in situations like this, then all you. It won't even go to court. You just need to get the attorney. And then you. You just gotta pull out, like, take a couple pictures of where the dog hung in your house. If you ever took it to the vet, took it to a groomer, anything that would show a pattern of ownership, the lawyer can Put that in a letter, send him a certified letter and say, look, bring the dog back, or we're gonna sue you for $6 trillion.

[Bert]

My sense is if you were gonna. If you're even thinking about going in that direction, that you should do it today. Because this dude is so spiteful that I could see him putting the dog up for adoption today, knowing that you were gonna pursue this stuff soon. You know what I'm saying?

[Sue]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Wow.

[Bert]

What a headache.

[Jeff]

Yeah. The crappy thing is that if y'.

[Wendy]

All.

[Jeff]

I mean, my. Do the redneck thing. If you. If your friends are so feeling so bad, if his buddies who feel so bad for you, and he's at work, go to his house, get the dog, and bring it back to you. I mean, I know that that's not the legal path to go, but it. To me, it's just like all the. Because all the legal thing you have to do is gonna just. Yeah. Have him take that dog to the shelter.

[Wendy]

Where if I.

[Jeff]

If it was like that groomsman. That was really your buddy, I'd be over at his house today getting the dog while he's at work.

[Bert]

Right.

[Sue]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

We need to send.

[Sue]

Told me he wanted to do that. And I just. It's getting to the point where my brother, like, just when I go over there and kind of take the door down, get the dog out of him, just have him. I don't know. Everyone's just. It's kind of so much drama now. It's gotten so out of hand that I kind of regret, like, even telling the bride and me thing. Like, I wish I would have just left it alone. But I know that I did the right thing. But now it's just, you know, I just. I'm kind of happy it's me and not her, because who knows what he's gonna do when she gets back. Because he's obviously crazy.

[Bert]

I just feel like there's something. Yeah, he's not stable. That dude is not right.

[Reshma]

Stable.

[Bert]

Well, we can try to get you some help. We know lawyers on this show, so we can definitely start in that direction. I just feel like. I mean, we've got a pretty big signal and we got a lot of powerful people. I feel like there's some way that we should be able to help her more.

[Wendy]

Could we send that big, beefy private investig investigator Joe over there just to ask him some questions about the dog and see if he just hands the dog over?

[Bert]

We should send beach lab over.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Beach slab.

[Bert]

Yeah, man. All right, so I'm so sorry You've had to go through all this. What a hassle. You must be thinking, like, right now that this doesn't happen to me. These are other people that this kind of craziness happens to.

[Sue]

Yeah, it's just. It's out of. I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm just kind of. I didn't want to wake up this morning. I mean, like, I wanted to wake up, but I didn't want to wake up this morning because I don't even know what I'm gonna go through today. Honestly, I don't know what he's gonna try today.

[Jeff]

Total harassment.

[Bert]

Okay, let me put. Well, we'll put you on hold. And like I said, I know we have lawyers that can help out, that would be willing to help out, and we could start. My advice would be start immediately, because who knows what this guy's gonna do by 11:30, you know?

[Sue]

Yeah.

[Katie]

Look at that. We already got him. The people want to help you out. We already got attorneys calling.

[Jeff]

Oh, here we go.

[Bert]

Here's Alan. Hey, Alan. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Attorney Alan]

Hey, Bert, how are you doing?

[Bert]

Good. How are you doing?

[Attorney Alan]

Well, I just heard a segment, and definitely my firm be willing to provide some pro bonus services for this lady, help her get her dog back.

[Bert]

Can you do something by, like, 10 o'? Clock? Like, if I give you her phone number or whatever, can we set something up, like, soon?

[Attorney Alan]

Yeah, we can definitely get her in this morning, and then, you know, we can talk about what we need to do to kind of maybe serve him or get a protective order, but we definitely help her out.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jeff]

All right.

[Bert]

All right. Thank you. What's the name of your firm?

[Attorney Alan]

McCartney and Khan.

[Bert]

McCartney and Khan. Thank you very much.

[Katie]

You're a lawyer named Khan?

[Jeff]

I think that's awesome.

[Bert]

That's unfortunate.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Bert]

All right, Sue. We'll be in touch, but at least we have some people on the phone that can help you out immediately. Okay.

[Caller Monica]

Okay.

[Sue]

Thank you.

[Bert]

All right. Take it easy today. All right.

[Sue]

All right.

[Caller]

Bye.

[Katie]

Bye.

[Bert]

Bye. She just sounds beat down, man.

[Jeff]

Well, she is. And she's totally being totally harassed by this jerk.

[Wendy]

God.

[Bert]

The Bird Show.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Melissa]

Hey everybody.

[Lady Luck]

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[Bert]

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[Lady Luck]

Get it?

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The bird show.

[Bert]

So intern Lauren here has a big weekend ahead of her. Here's where she starts complaining that she feels so old that she's turning 23 years old.

[Intern Lauren]

It is old, now that I think about it.

[Bert]

23, the whole world changes.

[Intern Lauren]

It does.

[Bert]

What is the year that you like, start being taken seriously as an adult? Because 23, you can still do a lot of stupid crap. And people are like, oh, well, she's only 23 years old.

[Joanna]

I think that's when you do start feeling it is at 23. I think that was one of my toughest birthdays, was 23.

[Intern Lauren]

Yeah. No, I feel like, oh, I'm 22. I can do whatever. You know, it's after 21 now I'm legal. Nothing's really that great. Now I'm like 23. And I'm like, what am I doing with my life? I'm just hanging out. I feel like just chilling. I need to like really stay focused. But then again, I'm like, well, 23 is still pretty young, right? So I mean, I'm A little conflicted there.

[Bert]

Is this a pretty common, like, quarter life crisis thing that she's going through right now?

[Wendy]

No, that'll be when she's 25 and she's not making any money still, and she freaks out because she can't pay her bills and she thinks she should be able to.

[Intern Lauren]

I know. I always, like. I mean, I never really think about it that much. And then my mom's like, you know, you need to pay me for car insurance. You need to pay me for, you know, gas. Well, I'm like, gas? He pays for gas nowadays. And then I'm like, oh, my God, it's like $30 to fill up my tank. And she's like, yeah, this is the real world, Lauren. Get used to it. I'm like, oh, great.

[Bert]

She's in the breaking in period right now.

[Intern Lauren]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Like, I know of people like you. My parents just sort of like, said, you're on your own at 18. And I had to figure all this out. But this, I think, is probably a little. There's a weaning period with your parents where they'll still, you know, you're out of the nest, but they're still sort of embracing you. And it sounds to me like she's in that period, but you're not out of the nest.

[Wendy]

You're still living.

[Intern Lauren]

No, I still live it.

[Bert]

Is that because of the economy right now, or was that gonna happen?

[Intern Lauren]

I like to say it's because of the economy.

[Bert]

Would you be lying if you said that?

[Intern Lauren]

No, not at all. It's totally the economy.

[Jeff]

Yeah. No, for me, it was when I. When I graduated college and moved to. Because I moved to Atlanta right out of college. So it was. Yeah, that's when. No, mom and dad were not paying for my gas or insurance or any of that stuff.

[Bert]

Melissa's very hardcore about this now. She takes a very hard line.

[Jeff]

Well, I am, because, I mean, the thing is, as a teenager, you can't complain about wanting to be an adult. And then when you're an adult, act like you. You want to be home and mom and dad take care of everything, you know? And that was really where I come from is as a kid, I was the youngest. And so I just could not wait to be out of the shadow of my two sets of parents, which were my brother and sister and my mom and dad. So when I moved to Atlanta, I felt like. Well, I was just determined not to go back to them and seek help because I think I felt like I had something to prove. So, yeah, any debt or Any frustration I had, at least I, I embrace it. Like, God, it's my own though, you know, I'm an adult and I have my own bills and that kind of thing. And I just, you know, there's a lot of people who don't find pride in that.

[Bert]

You know, there's some, there's got to be some like happy Medium point though where you can be independent on your own, yet know at the end of the day that if you really needed the help, your parents were going to be there for you.

[Jeff]

You know, I think it's hard for people to be in that though. I, I, I think that I agree with you. I mean, of course your parents are, your parents are always going to be there for you. Well, in theory, except for birds.

[Bert]

And at least they've been consistent.

[Jeff]

Never consistency. That's right.

[Bert]

They never showed me there was another way.

[Jeff]

But I do think though, you know, and my argument is always, and the reason I take a hard line is because I think a lot of times there are children who take advantage of that. Like, I don't think they wait until the very last minute before they ask their parents. I think their knee jerk reaction is to go ahead and ask their parents.

[Intern Lauren]

I think with me, because I was in college and I mean they kind of supported me through college and then I just figured like moving back I would have no problem. I mean I do have a part time job and I have my internship, but then it's like I live at home and I mean they push me, but then again I feel like, and I know this is like really bad to say, but I'm the baby. So I feel like, oh, well, they can take care of me now. And I mean they didn't do this to my sisters. I'm the only one that came back.

[Wendy]

But when your sisters talk about you.

[Intern Lauren]

Yeah.

[Bert]

What are they saying?

[Wendy]

You think, oh, because she's the baby, she gets all the attention, she gets all the money. They pay for everything for her. They didn't do that for us.

[Intern Lauren]

No, they totally do.

[Wendy]

Yeah.

[Intern Lauren]

Cause they bought me a car when I was 16 and they're like, oh, you never did that with me. I'm like, well, I'm the baby. They had to.

[Bert]

And that never goes away. Cause I still see it with Stacy and her younger brother Brandon. Never goes away. And they never forget. She'll bring it up. I mean, Brandon graduated from college 15 years ago and Stacy still from time to time will go, I had to pay for my own college. They, they paid for brands 15 years ago. Woman, let it go.

[Jeff]

Yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter. That will always happen, even when you're an adult.

[Bert]

Well, we want to shoot you with an assignment for this weekend. And it was the same assignment that we gave to intern Reshma when she was turning 21. And the assignment that we gave her at the time was we wanted to sort of live the night with her as she was turning 21. And we want to do the same thing with you as you're turning 23. So what we want to do is give you a phone number, and every hour, you call us and you leave a voicemail all night long. Cause I'm assuming you're going out drinking.

[Intern Lauren]

No, we are going out. And I'm a little nervous about drinking, yeah.

[Bert]

Why?

[Intern Lauren]

Because I have, like, different drunk phases,

[Jeff]

and we're gonna hear that on the radio.

[Katie]

What's the first phase?

[Intern Lauren]

Well, it depends on really what I drink. Cause either I'm really emotional. I'm really. Can't really say it on the radio.

[Katie]

Sweaty.

[Intern Lauren]

No, no, not at all. No, I did not mean that. Witchy.

[Bert]

Oh, you're a mean drunk.

[Intern Lauren]

Kind of. I mean, it really depends on what I drink, I guess. And then I'm either really, really happy.

[Katie]

So are these phases, or is this determined by the first cocktail?

[Lady Luck]

You get it.

[Intern Lauren]

It can be phases, but then again, it depends on if I have liquor versus wine versus beer.

[Bert]

And what do each of those alcohols do to you? Like, liquor does. What?

[Intern Lauren]

Liquor makes me the witchy part. And then beer makes me really, like, chatty. And wine makes me happy. But then also wine makes me emotional. So wine's a little iffy. So I'm really nervous to what to drink on Saturday.

[Bert]

Well, don't, I mean, go about your normal night.

[Intern Lauren]

All right.

[Bert]

But you just have to commit to calling us every hour and leaving a message, and it'll sound a little bit like this. This was reshma on her 21st. This was the first voicemail she left us during the night. And I think she was relatively sober at the time.

[Caller]

At 7:43pm hey, Bircho, it's intern Reshma.

[Reshma]

I am at Twisted Taco right now.

[Caller]

It's like seven.

[Reshma]

Something finally met up with my friends, and I'm Chef. I have been carted three times so far. I've had, I think, two or three mini bottles since you've got. And I'm getting a surprise drink from Twisted Tacos, so I'm feeling pretty good. All right, I will call you there. Okay.

[Bert]

You probably sound the same way. First time you call in just checking in and saying hey. Okay, this was a little later in the night.

[Caller]

Sent at 8:48pm One hour.

[Reshma]

So what's your name?

[Attorney Alan]

Jacob.

[Reshma]

Hey, virtual, It's Reshma. I'm at Twisted Taco still. And Jacob just brought me some free drinks. So I'm awesome right now or some right now, but I'm feeling great. And I've had. What have I had? I've had a couple mini bottles, couple of drinks, some stuff, some shots, some other stuff I don't remember. But I'll call you later back.

[Katie]

All right.

[Bert]

So still relatively with us.

[Jeff]

A little happier. A little happier. Starting to cuss. Start kind of goofy.

[Sue]

Okay.

[Bert]

And then you remember that she changed accents, right?

[Intern Lauren]

Yes.

[Bert]

A couple hours in the night, she became British.

[Caller]

Sent at 9:36pm Hi, Bisho, it's Reshma.

[Reshma]

I'm here at Reroll because Melissa told me about it, but it's really, really hot in here. I'm kind of dying. No, I didn't. And so it's really hot in here and I'm drinking some sort of surprise drinks that the bartender gave me. And I apologize for not calling earlier. I think I was supposed to call earlier, but it's really hot in here. I wish they would turn some air conditioning on or something. Other than that, I'm doing great tonight. I hope you guys are having a good night. All right. Bye, Cholio.

[Joanna]

Cheers.

[Caller Monica]

Cheers.

[Wendy]

She does that when she drinks.

[Bert]

Everything peachy. Very nice.

[Caller]

Sent at 10:40pm.

[Katie]

She's no longer British.

[Bert]

She's just loudish now.

[Katie]

Yeah,

[Reshma]

I love working at the show and I miss you all and I can't wait to hear talk to you all tomorrow or Wednesday or something. But I love all of you and I hope you all have a great night.

[Bert]

Okay, so we're how many hours into the night at that point?

[Joanna]

That was three.

[Bert]

Three hours. Okay. And I think that was pretty much

[Caller]

her Peak at 12:09am.

[Sue]

Oh, man.

[Katie]

And then eventually, Lauren, are you totally thinking that you're not gonna sound that.

[Intern Lauren]

No, I'm thinking I'm gonna sound worse than that.

[Bert]

At some point in one of these, she starts coming down for the night, you remember, like she starts getting sleepy or something. I don't know if it's this one or not.

[Caller]

Sent at 12:53am

[Reshma]

it's intern Reshma here. I just. I'm calling at the end ish of the night. I think this will be my last call, but I don't know, maybe, maybe not. My cousin just met me at a bar and I was at a bar and I was pretty drunk. They were like feeding me alcohol there. They like IV'd me and I alcohol there. But I'm feeling pretty good. My Dee Dee is driving, so I mean, I can't tell if she's driving straight or not, but it's pretty good. And I had an awesome night and I will see you guys tomorrow. Awesome, awesome, awesome night. Like memorable. Maybe not Mickey sort of memorable night. But I guess I'll talk to you guys at work and so thanks. I love you guys. Rush my Q100.

[Lady Luck]

What?

[Katie]

Okay, signing with her Twitter address.

[Bert]

So that is your assignment on Saturday night. We'll give you a phone number and you have to commit to calling us every hour and at least leaving some kind of message.

[Intern Lauren]

Every hour till I go to bed?

[Bert]

Every hour till you go to bed.

[Intern Lauren]

All right, sounds like a plan.

[Katie]

I think the phone number you should give her should be your home phone number so you get to hear that coming into your answering machine every night.

[Sponsor Voice]

You're on the vert show this episode sponsored by Mood. Okay, this is actually genius. Are you ever overwhelmed with choices at the dispensary? What if I told you that you could shop cannabis by the exact mood you want tonight? With Mood, you don't shop by strain names or confusion. You shop by how you want to feel. Want to relax after work, sleep better, feel more creative or be more social? Mood makes it simple. Pick the Feeling and Mood recommends products to match. Mood has gummies, flour, pre rolls and edibles designed around your Mood. I tried Mood's sleepy gummies and within an hour I felt calm, settled and ready for bed. No dispensary run, no second guessing. Just a smooth relaxing experience delivered to my door. It's federally legal, third party tested and backed by a 100 day satisfaction guarantee. Go to Mood m o o d.com that's mood.com however you want to feel tonight. Mood helps you get there.

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[Bert]

Listen, it's the vert show. Monica here. We got the email saying that she wants to make the most romantic welcome home ever, and we want to try to get her help in doing that. So what you got, Monica?

[Caller Monica]

Well, my husband works out of state, and it's been an exhausting year. He comes in on Friday, and then he's out again on Sunday, and it's just a lot. And this week, the kids are on spring break, and it's going to be the first weekend they're going to be with their grandparents, and we're going to have, you know, like a husband and wife weekend at home. And I want to make this weekend so special. I thought when he comes home, maybe have a masseuse. Well, that's nice, but what would you guys do if you could create, you know, a perfect weekend?

[Jeff]

Well, my first thought, when it comes to creating a perfect weekend for a guy, all you need to have on is a bow when he gets home. That's it.

[Katie]

Unless he's Burt. Then you want to be holding a shoe in that neti pot.

[Wendy]

Do that. We're giving her advice here, Jeff. We don't need to tell her that.

[Bert]

I think Melissa's got a great point. I mean, we're guys, we're simple. So the epicenter for us, I think, starts with sex. But, I mean, we can.

[Katie]

But there's 48 hours in a weekend.

[Bert]

So what are you saying?

[Katie]

Yeah, I'm saying I don't know that that's exactly what he would want it. He's got the first weekend without the kids. I think that's a good opener and a good midway check in and a good closer. But I think you got to fill it in with Jeff needs a nap

[Wendy]

or two in between.

[Bert]

Maybe not even in between.

[Reshma]

During.

[Jeff]

What is the.

[Katie]

I think it's just. I mean, it's like, oh, sex, sex. Sex is an easy first answer, but I do think that there are things that you can plug in there to make it extra special, especially with the kids gone.

[Bert]

Give us some details. Like, I guess we'd have to cater to what he's all about and what he digs. So tell us a little bit about him, and maybe somebody listening can give you some ideas.

[Caller Monica]

Right. Well, he's. He's He's a big guy and he's very. He's very simple. You know, I think he would like a massage. Like, you know, a professional one. I think he would like that. He's had only one before, and he liked it. He likes sports and he just likes watching tv. He's very simple.

[Katie]

Mm.

[Bert]

Sports and massage.

[Caller Monica]

Very many. Yeah, that would be nice, right?

[Bert]

Sounds like you got everything right there on Beaufort Highway.

[Katie]

Do you think, like, I don't know what type of TV you have at the house, but what if you got, like, a badass TV for him? Because the Masters are this weekend.

[Bert]

Do you like golf?

[Caller Monica]

Oh, he loves golf. Yeah, that would be a nice idea, maybe.

[Katie]

So you could have a big old

[Jeff]

TV for him to watch the Masters.

[Wendy]

Big old TV for him to nap in front of. Cause isn't that what everybody does when they watch golf?

[Bert]

Pretty much.

[Wendy]

Don't you fall asleep?

[Bert]

I don't even watch golf, honestly, unless Tiger's playing, I don't even watch golf.

[Caller Monica]

That's a great idea.

[Bert]

Sorry, Melissa. Now that's fueling those guys giving me the dirty look.

[Jeff]

No, it's most guys.

[Katie]

At some point this morning, Melissa decided one of us in this room needs to die.

[Jeff]

No, it's just. I am really. I will be so relieved when Tiger Talk is done. I mean, that's just the truth.

[Bert]

I think it's gonna be a while, huh? Anyway, so back to Monica. Kara has a suggestion.

[Intern Lauren]

All right.

[Bert]

We did get a call today. Hey, Kara. Good morning.

[Reshma]

Good morning.

[Bert]

There's the real news.

[Attorney Alan]

Hey, Kara. Thank you.

[Katie]

We love you.

[Reshma]

We love you, too.

[Katie]

Yeah, we love you more.

[Bert]

What's going on?

[Reshma]

She was talking about giving him a massage or getting a massage. I think she should get, like, a book or something and learn to do the massage herself.

[Wendy]

Absolutely.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

I mean, when guys want a massage from their spouse, they don't really want a massage. I mean, you know what I'm saying? It's nice.

[Joanna]

It leads into something.

[Bert]

It's like a nice start to things. But, I mean, you could be done with the massage part in, like, 15 seconds.

[Jeff]

And it goes into the whole wearing a bow only thing, you know?

[Reshma]

Yeah.

[Bert]

All right, so start the massage yourself.

[Wendy]

What about different outfits for the different days that he's home? Like, and I don't mean like full outfits. I mean, like, kind of along the lines of what Melissa was saying.

[Katie]

Yes.

[Wendy]

Because guys are, you know, visual creatures or whatever. So maybe the. You know, when he first walks in, it's the bow. And then maybe on later on in the night, it's like kind of a different outfit, like a different sexy thing. And then like the next morning it's a kind of different sexy thing. But, like, go through all kinds of different modes of little outfits.

[Bert]

What do you think about that, Monica?

[Wendy]

Strings and lace and garters and tight, easy accessibility.

[SpinQuest Announcer]

Good morning.

[Caller Monica]

Wonderful idea.

[Bert]

Steven. You were on Q100. Hey.

[Sue]

Hey.

[Attorney Alan]

You may think going out for a nice dinner might be a good thing, but when I'm traveling, I eat out all the time, so definitely home cooked meals would be nice.

[Bert]

There you go. That's a great idea. And you're saying he's a simple guy. So we're doing the most simple stuff here. Tv, sex, food. Yeah, I mean, so far so good.

[Jeff]

Everything in the home.

[Bert]

Thank you, Steven.

[Caller Monica]

So easy.

[Caller]

Thanks.

[Bert]

I sound good so far.

[Caller Monica]

Great. I could do that.

[Bert]

These must have been on your. Your radar somewhere.

[Caller Monica]

They were the outfits, though, I didn't really think about very much. But like, it because it's always just sold out the kids. So the changing the outfits is definitely gonna be a priority.

[Katie]

And I would love to.

[Wendy]

That's kind of fun for you too. Like, that's kind of fun to do. That's fun to shop for. It's kind of fun to, like, know that you've got some, like, tricks up your sleeve the whole weekend. It's kind of fun to think about, like, well, am I gonna go put it on now? Or maybe I'll wait an hour from now? Like, that'll be fun for you the whole time too.

[Bert]

And can I just build on that also? And I'm just assuming that when you're married and you have kids at some point, because the kids can wake up at any time or they're around the house, you sort of get in the routine of doing it in the same place all the time. I would suggest if the kids are away, you got a whole house. All right, so different venues and different clothes for the whole weekend.

[Wendy]

And I do.

[Jeff]

And I like the fact that everything we're suggesting suggesting is in the house. Like the sports, watching the tv with a new tv, potentially, and, you know, being intimate with him and the home cooked meals. Because if he's away a lot, he wants to be home. You know, he wants to be in his own home. So I think it'd be a great weekend.

[Bert]

One caller dropped out, but she said, are you picking him up from the airport or is he coming right to the house?

[Caller Monica]

He's coming right to the house.

[Bert]

Okay. She said, answer the door. And like, some kind of just nothing in. Basically nothing. Yeah.

[Caller Monica]

Oh, that might be nice for him.

[Bert]

It will be very, very nice. Hot stone massage has been suggested. 3D TV for Masters game. The. The Masters is in 3D this year.

[Intern Lauren]

Mm.

[Bert]

Really gotta wear those funky ass glasses.

[Caller Monica]

Mm.

[Bert]

But you can't watch it.

[Caller Monica]

Mm.

[Intern Lauren]

Really?

[Katie]

I bet. I think there's only one TV. I think it's the Samsung. It's the only 3D TV out there, I think. But they're showing it. They showed a practice round somewhere at 3D.

[Wendy]

That's cool.

[Bert]

That's really cool. Monica. I mean, Bridget. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Reshma]

Hey.

[Caller]

How are you guys?

[Reshma]

Good.

[Bert]

We are trying to create, like, the ultimate welcome home for Monica and her husband.

[Caller]

Well, I was just kind of piggybacking on Jen's idea. A couple of my girlfriends and I, when we've gone on vacations or trips with our spouses, one thing to kind of like, spice it up that we've done is the week before, like a couple days before, we'll go out and buy new lingerie sets and then wrap them up, like in tissue paper or something like that so that our husbands can't see. And every day the husbands, like, chews out of the grab bag of lingerie and they know that that night we're going to be wearing something new. So it's just kind of like a little way to spice things up.

[Bert]

It's like having, like, a Victoria's Secret Easter egg hunt.

[Reshma]

Yeah.

[Bert]

He just goes from place to place looking for different Victoria's Secret stuff. And when he finds it, you're the bunny.

[Katie]

That's a great idea.

[Bert]

Here is Debbie. Good Morning. You're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller]

Good morning. To build on that with those little outfits, like when she's cooking, maybe a sexy Little Chef outfit with a hat or something like that. And then, like, what works at my house is when my husband's watching golf or something, you come into the room with nothing much other than, you know, a little sheer top and a skirt with not under there either. And sometimes the TV gets turned off and it's on.

[Joanna]

And wear heels, too. Like, wear heels around the house when you're wearing those outfits because it'll make you feel good and then he'll love it even more.

[Katie]

I do think it's important. I think you should dress up at the house as if you were going out. Like, if you're going to change the outfits, like Jen said, like when you get up in the morning, rather than, you know, the sweats and T shirt that you normally throw on to, you know, feed the dog and cook breakfast. Breakfast and everything. Dress up a little bit more as if you were going out to breakfast. Because I think that's cool. Because you have limited time with him. Guys are visual creatures, so maximize that time. And it sounds so subservient, but look good for him. You know what I mean?

[Wendy]

Well, it's only one weekend. Yeah. And I think, what do you guys think about sending him some, like, teasing text messages before he gets home?

[Jeff]

Cool.

[Wendy]

Like on. Like on his. On his drive home.

[Bert]

Get him all hot before he even sees you. Give him something to think about.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

Get him kind of excited about it before he hits the door.

[Bert]

I mean, it's all come. It's all boiling down to the same thing. Really, what we're talking about. Sex them up. Hey, Summer. Good Morning. You're on Q100. Hey, how are you? Good, how are you?

[Reshma]

I'm great.

[Caller]

Great, thanks, y'.

[Caller Monica]

All.

[Reshma]

Like, Jeff was saying how you have to fill in all the sex time. Yeah, I'm sorry there's gonna be sex,

[Caller]

but fill in all the other spots.

[Katie]

Right.

[Caller]

And you keep saying how your husband's very simple.

[Reshma]

I know my boyfriend. He's a good old boy. He's Georgia born.

[Caller]

And, like, he loves fishing.

[Reshma]

So I've done things before.

[Caller]

Like at sunset, I pack a cooler. He thinks it's wine and a picnic,

[Reshma]

but I kind of just pack some

[Caller]

Bud Light and we hop out on

[Reshma]

the john boat and go fishing.

[Caller]

And you would have thought I took

[Reshma]

him to Disney World.

[Katie]

That's awesome.

[Bert]

And where does the sexy outfit come

[Caller]

in on the boat afterwards.

[Jeff]

Okay, well, you can do it on the boat and just say that's what you have underneath.

[Bert]

One called in saying have his car washed for him and have the house cleaned.

[Katie]

Oh, no, I think that's standard. Yeah. But I think that's good because if the kids toys and stuff are lying around and things like that, that would be maybe a distraction for him. And the way a guy's mind operates, like, not. Again, not trying not to make it sound like, you know, service your man or whatever, but having his car washed, like, as a guy, that would be something in the back of my mind. Like, if I've been traveling and my car is dirty, like, I would think, oh, man, I gotta take care of the car. Especially with the weather being as nice as it's gonna be. So if you have that done before he comes back, the less stuff that can be on his mind, the more the cooler it's gonna be to camp out.

[Bert]

Now, Jeff has a great point with the, the toys also, and I know this from experience that sometimes you throw all of the toys in the same basket and some of them, their sound is activated by the push of a button. And if you throw them in the basket at random times, they'll just start talking. So, and I know this from experience that you'll be right in the middle of something really intimate and then all of a sudden you hear Dora telling Swiper to not swipe things. And you're like, where the hell did that come from?

[Jeff]

But I do also want, I do also want producer Josh to save some of the advice the guys have given because I like that, you know, especially what Jeff had just said about make sure that there's nothing on his mind that he has to worry about beforehand or whatever. So that when we switch it up and guys are asking advice on a romantic time for their woman, you can hear the same because I think the advice can be the same.

[Wendy]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Monica, go get your man. Okay.

[Caller Monica]

All right.

[Bert]

All right. Have yourself a good weekend.

[Caller Monica]

Thanks, guys. I will.

[Jeff]

All right, have fun.

[Bert]

This is the bird show.

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