The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Tuesday, March 10 [Vault]

Date: March 10, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Melissa, Emily, David, plus listeners

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show leans into their signature blend of humor, authenticity, and real-life storytelling. The team and their listeners open up about the (often hilarious, sometimes cringe-worthy) misbehaviors of their youth—ranging from stealing from parents to wild sibling shenanigans, with candid confessions that spark knowing laughter and affectionate ribbing among the hosts. Later, the conversation shifts to spicing up long-term relationships, complete with stories, tips, and playful banter, before finishing out with a lighthearted series of travel misadventures about driving wildly off-course.

1. Kids & Stealing from Parents

Timestamps: 00:45 – 11:14

Main Theme:
The team discusses a new study showing that 1 in 4 kids admit to stealing from their parents—and their listeners line up to confess their own stints as childhood thieves.

Key Discussion Points

• Underreporting the Problem:

  • Bert references a study: "One in four of your kids... are taking something from you guys. You think they're angels, right?" (00:45)
  • David is skeptical: "I think one out of four is low." (01:04)

• Caller Confessions:

  • Brittany (Voice Disguised): Pays her own bills with her mom's credit card (known by heart). "My mom, financially, she's pretty well off … I make enough money to pay my bills..., but since I know my mother's credit card number by heart, well, I'll use it. She never pays attention." (01:19-02:35)

  • Emmy (Voice Disguised): "I have actually stolen two handles of vodka along with my mom's car to go to a party, and then I hit a tree with my mom's car... I blamed my sister." (02:56-03:15)

  • Family loyalty emerges: Emmy’s older sister takes the fall, and Emmy is left with a lifetime IOU. "You owe her, and she's gonna cash in later." – Emily, (03:36)

  • Sarah (Age 14, Voice Disguised): Admits to occasionally swiping cash or sipping booze. "Mostly just, like, money, but sometimes I’ll take... vodka, wine, beer." (04:23-04:33)

• The Hosts’ Stories:

  • Bert admits to stealing cash at age seven; says he bought cupcakes for neighborhood kids. "I was going through her file cabinet... and found a couple envelopes of cash." (05:17)
  • Melissa and Emily remember sneaking beers or, in Emily’s case, finding nothing left because her rebellious sister had already taken it all. (06:06-06:49)
  • Bert’s “worst confession”: He stole his parents’ stash of marijuana in high school and sold it at school, only for the weed to be so bad that "the plan backfired on me"—friends only got headaches. (07:04-07:48)

Notable Quotes & Banter

• "You’re stealing money at seven?" – Emily in disbelief at Bert's admission. (05:15)
• "Sibling rivalry: My sister hustled everything out of the house. Nothing for one to either." – Emily (06:49)
• "My plan backfired on me...the weed didn't do anything except give him a headache." – Bert (07:48)

2. Spicing Up Long-Term Relationships

Timestamps: 13:21 – 20:27

Main Theme:
How do you keep the spark alive in a relationship that’s gone a little routine? Bert shares an innovative “sexy photo” routine inspired by a friend’s wife, sparking a spirited group discussion—and plenty of listener input—about anticipation and creative intimacy.

Key Discussion Points

• The Sexy Photo Strategy:

  • Bert describes a friend’s wife who, to shake up their routine, started sending sexy photos (“just a little peaksy”) at strategic, inconvenient moments—like during a high-pressure work meeting—with playful captions. The trick: the anticipation, since he's around her all day but can't act on it immediately.
    • "Underneath it, it says, 9:30 tonight, come and get it." (14:53)
    • "He sees the visual... constantly reminded all day long of what's gonna happen later on that night." (15:28)
  • Emily: "It's the one time that he has no control... she sends. I think that's also..." (15:40)

• Does This Work Both Ways?

  • David: "Does this work the other way?" (16:33)
  • Melissa argues that, for women, craftier words might be just as exciting as photos: "If you say things to us like what you're gonna do later, right, Just in a written out text message, I think that's just as exciting." (16:56)

• Listener Stories:

  • Angel: 17 years with her husband, keeps things fresh with occasional sexy photos and videos. "And it's always, always on when that happens. He just loves it." (18:37)
  • Kerry: Works with her boyfriend, so they send each other flirty messages and photos to keep things fun. "It's as awesome for me as it is for him... it can spark anything." (19:20)

Notable Quotes

• "You get to a point where things can get a little stale... you just got to keep a relationship fun and exciting, and it’s just a great thing to do." – Kerry (19:44)
• "Guys are visual, so if you do this anytime, it's gonna be a win." – Burt (19:00)
• "There's a chase, there's a mental chase going on." – Emily (17:34)

3. Comedic Travel Misadventures – “Longest Wrong-Way Drive”

Timestamps: 20:51 – 27:03

Main Theme:
Bert invites listeners to share stories of the longest distance they’ve ever driven in the wrong direction before realizing their mistake—leading to a slew of hilarious, relatable, and sometimes jaw-dropping travel fails.

Key Discussion Points

• Katie’s Starter Story:

  • Set-up: Katie, returning from South Carolina, realizes an hour into her drive that she’s headed north, not south: "She ended up going north for one hour before she realized... She puts GPS in and she realizes, good God, I just went an hour out of my way." (21:15)
  • The hosts tally "one hour (about 60 miles)" as the baseline.

• Epic Listener Detours:

  • Lauren: Trying to drive from Paducah, Kentucky, to Dayton, Ohio, ends up in Nashville, Tennessee—four hours out of the way, in a snowstorm. "I didn't get home until 3:00 in the morning." (23:17-23:40)
  • Jennifer: Picks up a friend from the airport; supposed to drive to Hilton Head, ends up in Alabama. Trip becomes nine or ten hours instead of four. "My daughter kept saying, Mom, we're headed to Montgomery... Mom, we're in Alabama... we had to go all the way across Georgia to even get to South Carolina." (25:21-26:10)
  • Rebecca: Spins around Atlanta’s 285 loop for four hours as a college freshman before finally asking for help at Waffle House. (24:15-24:53)
  • Jessica: Meant to drive to Graceland; ends up pulled over by a Mississippi state trooper after following a friend’s errant navigation—map held upside down. (26:24-26:47)
  • The group laughs about how talking, distractions, and bad directions conspire to yield wild detours.

Notable Quotes

• "That realization that you're going the wrong way and that pit in your stomach. Like, what a waste of my life right here." – Burt (21:49)
• "State difference." – David, on how far off course the callers get (25:50)
• "I was a little girl from a small town, never been in the big city, and my family still talks about that. And I'm in my 30s." – Rebecca, summing up the lasting embarrassment (24:55)

4. Memorable and Funny Moments

• Sibling IOU: The revelation that Emmy’s sister took the fall for a major mishap and will "always" hold it over her: "Your sister's for life. You know that, right? It's the rest of your life." – Emily (04:00)
• Bert’s Weed Fail: Bert’s teenage “foolproof plan” to steal and sell his parents’ weed only for it to have zero effect. "The weed didn't do anything except give him a headache." – Bert (07:48)
• Relationship Advice, Radio Style: Creative ways to keep romance alive—ranging from sexy photos to playful texts—offered up with the group's usual open, teasing energy.

5. Stand-Out Quotes by Timestamp

• "One out of four is low." – David (01:04)
• "I have actually stolen two handles of vodka along with my mom's car to go to a party, and then I hit a tree..." – Guest Caller (02:56)
• "You owe her, and she's gonna cash in later." – Emily (03:36)
• "I was going through her file cabinet drawers and found a whole couple of envelopes of cash." – Bert (05:17)
• "My plan backfired on me… the weed didn't do anything except give him a headache." – Bert (07:48)
• "There's a chase, there's a mental chase going on." – Emily (17:34)
• "That realization that you're going the wrong way and that pit in your stomach... what a waste of my life right here." – Bert (21:49)

6. Tone & Style

True to The Bert Show’s vibe, this episode blends heartfelt honesty with laugh-out-loud stories and playful, sometimes risqué, banter. The hosts create a safe space for both listeners and themselves to confess hilarious and sometimes mortifying stories—always with good humor, warmth, and camaraderie.

Listen If You...

• Love reliving youthful mischief and sibling shenanigans.
• Want creative, fun (and slightly cheeky) advice for keeping relationships exciting.
• Need a laugh about travel nightmares and wrong-way road trip stories.
• Appreciate candid, relatable real-life radio with lots of audience participation!