The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Tuesday, March 10 [Vault]
Date: March 10, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Melissa, Emily, David, plus listeners
Episode Overview
This episode of The Bert Show leans into their signature blend of humor, authenticity, and real-life storytelling. The team and their listeners open up about the (often hilarious, sometimes cringe-worthy) misbehaviors of their youth—ranging from stealing from parents to wild sibling shenanigans, with candid confessions that spark knowing laughter and affectionate ribbing among the hosts. Later, the conversation shifts to spicing up long-term relationships, complete with stories, tips, and playful banter, before finishing out with a lighthearted series of travel misadventures about driving wildly off-course.
1. Kids & Stealing from Parents
Timestamps: 00:45 – 11:14
Main Theme:
The team discusses a new study showing that 1 in 4 kids admit to stealing from their parents—and their listeners line up to confess their own stints as childhood thieves.
Key Discussion Points
Notable Quotes & Banter
- "You’re stealing money at seven?" – Emily in disbelief at Bert's admission. (05:15)
- "Sibling rivalry: My sister hustled everything out of the house. Nothing for one to either." – Emily (06:49)
- "My plan backfired on me...the weed didn't do anything except give him a headache." – Bert (07:48)
2. Spicing Up Long-Term Relationships
Timestamps: 13:21 – 20:27
Main Theme:
How do you keep the spark alive in a relationship that’s gone a little routine? Bert shares an innovative “sexy photo” routine inspired by a friend’s wife, sparking a spirited group discussion—and plenty of listener input—about anticipation and creative intimacy.
Key Discussion Points
Notable Quotes
- "You get to a point where things can get a little stale... you just got to keep a relationship fun and exciting, and it’s just a great thing to do." – Kerry (19:44)
- "Guys are visual, so if you do this anytime, it's gonna be a win." – Burt (19:00)
- "There's a chase, there's a mental chase going on." – Emily (17:34)
3. Comedic Travel Misadventures – “Longest Wrong-Way Drive”
Timestamps: 20:51 – 27:03
Main Theme:
Bert invites listeners to share stories of the longest distance they’ve ever driven in the wrong direction before realizing their mistake—leading to a slew of hilarious, relatable, and sometimes jaw-dropping travel fails.
Key Discussion Points
-
Katie’s Starter Story:
- Set-up: Katie, returning from South Carolina, realizes an hour into her drive that she’s headed north, not south: "She ended up going north for one hour before she realized... She puts GPS in and she realizes, good God, I just went an hour out of my way." (21:15)
- The hosts tally "one hour (about 60 miles)" as the baseline.
-
Epic Listener Detours:
- Lauren: Trying to drive from Paducah, Kentucky, to Dayton, Ohio, ends up in Nashville, Tennessee—four hours out of the way, in a snowstorm. "I didn't get home until 3:00 in the morning." (23:17-23:40)
- Jennifer: Picks up a friend from the airport; supposed to drive to Hilton Head, ends up in Alabama. Trip becomes nine or ten hours instead of four. "My daughter kept saying, Mom, we're headed to Montgomery... Mom, we're in Alabama... we had to go all the way across Georgia to even get to South Carolina." (25:21-26:10)
- Rebecca: Spins around Atlanta’s 285 loop for four hours as a college freshman before finally asking for help at Waffle House. (24:15-24:53)
- Jessica: Meant to drive to Graceland; ends up pulled over by a Mississippi state trooper after following a friend’s errant navigation—map held upside down. (26:24-26:47)
- The group laughs about how talking, distractions, and bad directions conspire to yield wild detours.
Notable Quotes
- "That realization that you're going the wrong way and that pit in your stomach. Like, what a waste of my life right here." – Burt (21:49)
- "State difference." – David, on how far off course the callers get (25:50)
- "I was a little girl from a small town, never been in the big city, and my family still talks about that. And I'm in my 30s." – Rebecca, summing up the lasting embarrassment (24:55)
4. Memorable and Funny Moments
- Sibling IOU: The revelation that Emmy’s sister took the fall for a major mishap and will "always" hold it over her: "Your sister's for life. You know that, right? It's the rest of your life." – Emily (04:00)
- Bert’s Weed Fail: Bert’s teenage “foolproof plan” to steal and sell his parents’ weed only for it to have zero effect. "The weed didn't do anything except give him a headache." – Bert (07:48)
- Relationship Advice, Radio Style: Creative ways to keep romance alive—ranging from sexy photos to playful texts—offered up with the group's usual open, teasing energy.
5. Stand-Out Quotes by Timestamp
- "One out of four is low." – David (01:04)
- "I have actually stolen two handles of vodka along with my mom's car to go to a party, and then I hit a tree..." – Guest Caller (02:56)
- "You owe her, and she's gonna cash in later." – Emily (03:36)
- "I was going through her file cabinet drawers and found a whole couple of envelopes of cash." – Bert (05:17)
- "My plan backfired on me… the weed didn't do anything except give him a headache." – Bert (07:48)
- "There's a chase, there's a mental chase going on." – Emily (17:34)
- "That realization that you're going the wrong way and that pit in your stomach... what a waste of my life right here." – Bert (21:49)
6. Tone & Style
True to The Bert Show’s vibe, this episode blends heartfelt honesty with laugh-out-loud stories and playful, sometimes risqué, banter. The hosts create a safe space for both listeners and themselves to confess hilarious and sometimes mortifying stories—always with good humor, warmth, and camaraderie.
Listen If You...
- Love reliving youthful mischief and sibling shenanigans.
- Want creative, fun (and slightly cheeky) advice for keeping relationships exciting.
- Need a laugh about travel nightmares and wrong-way road trip stories.
- Appreciate candid, relatable real-life radio with lots of audience participation!