Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, January 14 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show: Full Show PT 3 — January 14, 2026 [Vault]

Host: Bert, with the full Bert Show cast (Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, et al.)
Main Theme: A mix of laughter, authentic life stories, and listener drama focused on embarrassing driving mishaps, awkward massage experiences, and a particularly cringe-worthy “listener problem” involving an adult wet dream.

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Episode Overview

This episode layers humor and honesty as The Bert Show crew shares real-life stories, navigates listener call-ins, and explores awkward, often embarrassing, moments. The main discussions include:

• Embarrassing driving accidents caused by distractions
• Questionable and boundary-pushing massage experiences
• A listener’s accidental “wet dream” incident and advice on how to handle it
  Throughout, the hosts keep the tone light, funny, and candid, while inviting listeners to join in with their own stories.

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1. Embarrassing Driving Mishaps (01:14 – 07:04)

Key Stories & Discussion Points

• Bert's Sidewalk Incident:
  Bert describes how he ran his car up on a sidewalk while distracted by “three stunning hotties” jogging.

  • Quote: “As any red-hot blooded male would do, I start looking a little bit, probably looking a little bit too hard… and I ran it up on the sidewalk.” — Bert [01:40]

• Caller Stories:
  Listeners share their own embarrassing tales:

  • Rear-ending a car after honking at women and blaming the brakes (Caller Female, [02:06])
  • Crashing while laughing at someone getting pulled over ([03:00])
  • Slamming into a Suburban after flipping someone off (“You cannot look cool if you’re flipping somebody off and your airbag just tripped.” — Bart [03:45])
  • Hitting a series of wooden posts while checking out a hot guy, to the dismay of the neighbors ([04:33])
  • Destroying the back of a car when picking up his girlfriend and her sister, then downplaying the damage until alone: “Dropped them off, got back in the car, drove around the corner and actually started crying myself.” — Bart [06:22]

Notable Moments

• Hosts and callers reflect on how embarrassing these situations are, especially when trying to casually explain them away.
• Strong gendered humor ("this may just be a guy thing") around distracted driving and its repercussions.

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2. “Was My Massage Normal?”: Awkward Massage Stories (07:12 – 24:49)

Listener Stories & Insights

• Bridesmaid’s First Massage:
  Jeff relays a story about a friend who was “violated” during her first massage—receiving an inappropriate breast massage for ten minutes before realizing (after comparing notes with other bridesmaids) it was not standard.

  • “Dude, you just got felt up.” — Jeff [08:41]
  • “She totally got violated.” — Burt [08:49]

• Costa Rican Massage Boundaries:
  Jen describes getting a “full on” butt massage at a resort in Costa Rica, noting cultural differences and wondering if her initial discomfort was just “being American.”

  • “He was full on, working the booty.” — Jen [11:45]

• Caller Experiences:
  Multiple women call in to clarify which massage techniques are normal, sharing experiences ranging from legal boundary-pushing (“I was getting a deep tissue…full butt massage” — Shelly [12:26]) to clear violations ("...a deep massage in the vagina area" — Evie [15:05]).

• Male Massage Therapist Speaks Out (Voice Disguised):
  John, a massage therapist, openly admits to crossing the line—especially with attractive clients—by massaging their chest and butt, confirming industry boundaries are often ignored.

  • “If they’re not ugly or fat, then I just, I just do a normal massage… but if they’re fairly good looking, I will massage their butt, massage their chest…” — John [17:54]
  • “You kind of know [the boundaries], but yeah, they mention it. Definitely don’t touch the hoo hoo.” — John [20:43]

• Discussion on Gender and Comfort:
  The crew debates why male therapists seem more likely to push boundaries. Bart jokes he uses only female therapists because he’s “homophobic.”

  • “There’s a man in the back of our head and that’s his only job…to shout ‘I’m touching a boob!’” — Bart [22:19]

Memorable Quotes

• “There needs to be consistency.” — Burt [13:40]
• “Was my massage normal? And then we get a masseuse on and people call in… ‘he took all his clothes and climbed on top of me and penetrated my region. Was that normal?’” — Bart [12:57]
• “I like to please people. I like to please women.” — John, massage therapist [21:42]

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3. Listener Drama: “Wet Dream” Dilemma (27:26 – 40:06)

Main Story

• Kay’s Predicament:
  Listener “Kay” calls in, mortified after waking up next to a long-time female friend with whom he hopes to become more than friends. During the night, he has a wet dream—getting bodily fluid on himself and the sheets. The conversation revolves around whether he should address it with her or just move on.
  • “Over the weekend… I passed out with her in her bed… I woke up in the middle of the night, and I had had a wet dream.” — Kay [28:03]
  • “None of it actually got on her, but it got on me. It got on the sheets.” — Kay [28:57]

Show Discussion

• Candid Advice:

  • Jen: “Don’t you think she probably feels just as uncomfortable as he does, though? It’s like the big elephant in the room.” [31:02]
  • Bart: “Even if you’re a really close friend…I don’t think that’s something you could talk about, joke about.” [30:55]
  • Callers (all women): “I wouldn’t say anything about it at all. Unless she does and say, ‘Well, you were in my dream. What can I say?’” — Pam [34:27]
  • “If he was a bedwetter, forget about it. But the fact that it was this nocturnal accident… I don’t think that’s as big of a deal.” — Jen [35:22]

• Resolution:

  • Most female callers assure Kay it’s not a big deal, and encourage direct but light acknowledgment if it’s really bothering him.
  • “The longer you wait, the more difficult it’s going to be… Do it today, dude. Get that weird tension thing out of the way.” — Burt [39:38]

Notable Humor

• Creative solutions and jokes about bringing detergent or sending new sheets as apology gifts.
• The show plays up the mortifying nature of the incident while normalizing occasional bodily mishaps with genuine empathy.

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “You cannot look cool if you’re flipping somebody off and your airbag just tripped.” — Bart [03:45]
• “Dude, you just got felt up.” — Jeff [08:41]
• “He was full on, working the booty.” — Jen [11:45]
• “If they’re fairly good looking, I will massage their butt, massage their chest.” — John (massage therapist, disguised voice) [17:54]
• “Dropped them off, got back in the car… and actually started crying myself.” — Bart [06:22]
• “There’s a man in the back of our head and that’s his only job…to shout ‘I’m touching a boob!’” — Bart [22:19]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

| Segment | Time | |----------------------------------------------|-------------| | Driving Distraction Embarrassments | 01:14–07:04 | | Awkward/Improper Massage Experiences | 07:12–24:49 | | Listener “Kay” & Wet Dream Dilemma | 27:26–40:06 |

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

• The Bert Show’s signature mix of realness and humor shines through deep dives into everyday embarrassments and awkward social moments.
• The team’s rapport with listeners creates a sense of camaraderie, especially as they tackle taboo or cringeworthy topics without shame or ridicule.
• Both the hosts’ and callers’ candor provide gentle guidance: laugh at yourself, own your awkward moments, and trust others to be more understanding than you might expect.

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Comprehensive, witty, and authentic, this episode is classic morning radio—turning life’s mortifying moments into laugh-out-loud conversation starters and shared catharsis.

Transcript

[Bart]

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[Burt]

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[Jen]

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[Jeff]

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[Burt]

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[Jen]

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[Ad Voice]

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[Burt]

The Bird show crash. You may be the only one I can get any kind of sympathy out of it at all on this Yesterday I'm driving down Windsor Parkway and and it's about 5, 5:30 or so and there are three just stunning hotties jogging like southbound as I'm going northbound on Windsor. So as any red hot blooded male would do, I start looking a little bit, probably looking a little bit too hard and they run by my car and I start checking them out in my rear view mirror also. And I'm so focused on them running the other way that I pulled my car too far over to the right and I ran it up on the sidewalk.

[Ad Voice]

I love it.

[Burt]

So I'm asking, I know I'm not the only one that has done this kind of thing where you're checking somebod out just a little bit too much and a little bit too focused and you did some damage either to yourself or to your car. This may just be a guy thing.

[Bart]

Good morning.

[Burt]

You're on all the hits Q100 yeah.

[Caller Female]

I actually worked with a guy who had just bought a brand new car and he was taking one of the other guys I worked with for a ride and there was two girls walking on the sidewalk and they honked a horn looking at him to wave. About that time they rear ended and he just about hurdled his brand new car and he told the cops when they got there that the brakes brakes went out and the guy said yeah, actually I heard him blowing the horn. He was like, yeah, I was trying to blow the horn to tell you my brakes went out.

[Burt]

Yeah, I think Jeff raised an interesting point that when something like that happens, like you have to make up a story because you can't say that I was checking somebody out and that's why I Ran up on the sidewalk, right?

[Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Caller Female]

It was so funny because the girls knew that it wasn't. They were honking at them and waving and everything. But, yeah, he just about totaled his new car.

[Burt]

Adam, you're on all the hits. Q100. Hi.

[Ad Voice]

Hey.

[Caller Female]

What's going on?

[Burt]

You tell us, man.

[Bart]

I was going down 85 one day, and I was.

[Caller Female]

It wasn't really seeing anybody hot on 85, but I saw this guy getting.

[Bart]

Pulled over in the HOV lane because he was riding by himself, you know?

[John]

So I'm just.

[Bart]

I'm just busting out, laughing at him, and bam. Right into the back of another car.

[Burt]

There's the karma train right there.

[Bart]

I did the same thing coming down 400 south during the world Series a few years back, and this guy was behind me, and this is not, like, a chick thing, but he had a chick in the car, and he was tailgating me. And when he pulled around me, I was, like, shooting him the bird, and then I'm, like, checking out his old lady. Just as I was getting off at Northridge, there was a wreck right there. I slammed into the back of a suburban. Airbags went off and everything. And, I mean, I could just see this guy laughing as he went right down 400. I would say you cannot look cool if you're flipping somebody off and your airbag just tripped.

[Caller Male]

Not fun.

[Bart]

Yeah. You son of a bitch. Oh, I think I broke my nose.

[Burt]

Here's an even less cool situation back in the day when I had a scooter in college.

[Bart]

You can stop right there.

[Burt]

I am second in line at the intersection, and I'm not focused on the car in front of me. We're all stopped in the intersection. The light goes from red to green. I punch it, and the car in front of me doesn't go anywhere, and I ran right into the back of the car.

[Caller Male]

I actually.

[Bart]

Where did that happen?

[Jeff]

I want you to combine the stories. You're on your scooter going down the street when you saw the three hot blondes.

[Bart]

Didn't the car in front of you have time to start accelerating as you were pedaling?

[Burt]

The engine to start, it wasn't quite a moped, but it was just one half a step above it. Hey, Whitney.

[Caller Female]

Hi.

[Burt]

Morning.

[Caller Female]

Yeah, I was in this neighborhood, and it's a really big neighborhood, and there's a lake in the middle, and I was driving, and as I was driving, I passed this really hot guy, and I kind of turned my head. I guess I just wanted to see, like, which way he was leaving. Or where he lived. I don't know what I was gonna do after that. But then all of a sudden my head was turned and I just heard like, bump, bump, bump. And I looked and there are these wooden pillars to keep you from driving into the lake, actually. And I was driving on all of them. I mean, they're like. They're within every like 2ft of each other. And I was just riding on all of them and I just veered off really fast. And I was really afraid. Like my engine and stuff was damaged. But I didn't see anything that was wrong. But all these neighbors had heard it. Cause it was so loud. And they were all standing out there. And I just drove off as fast as I could because I thought they were going to report me. But they were all just knocked out when I left.

[Bart]

When I was in high school, it was actually the very first car that I ever owned. It was a Mercury Marquis.

[Caller Male]

Yeah.

[Bart]

And I was picking up my girlfriend Melissa and her big sister. And Kim, at their job was driving him back to their house. And came around the corner was a brick building. And I came around the corner and cut it too close and like the hit the corner of the building with like the back passenger side door of the car and the back fender. So you hear this terrible screeching noise, you know, like, you know, the metal and the whatever. And so I get out and I'm like, oh, man. And I get out of the car and I go look. And the back door is completely folded and the window actually busted out on her sister. And then the fender has actually been peeled back like the top of an old fashioned sardine can just kind of like roll back. And I get back in the car and I'm like, it's no big deal. Snow, don't worry.

[Burt]

Come on.

[Bart]

This whole thing, it's no big deal. And I get in the car and drive like the 20 minutes to their house, you know, with the car with the thing all shredded up. Then they get out of the car and her sister actually starts crying because it looks so bad. And I'm like, it's no big deal. No, don't worry about it. Dropped them off, got back in the car, drove around the corner and actually started crying myself. Totally destroyed my car.

[Burt]

Hey, Kathy, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller Female]

Hey, how are you?

[Burt]

All right, how are you?

[Caller Female]

I'm good, actually. I was in Florida at the beach with some friends and I was checking out this guy and I ran into the back of a car.

[Bart]

Oh, no.

[Ad Voice]

No.

[Burt]

Getting out of that.

[Caller Female]

No, it wasn't.

[Kay]

No getting out of that.

[Caller Female]

Got a ticket.

[Burt]

Yeah, can't lie about that. He's there with you. The fruit show. In the meantime, Melissa Carter's friend got herself in a bit of an uncomfortable situation.

[Jeff]

Unknowingly, annoyingly. Good segue, the bridesmaid. Cause she was also a bridesmaid situation, but an odd one. She is an old friend of mine and she doesn't live in Atlanta, but she had called me because she's someone who had never taken the time to go get a massage. Okay, so there's plenty of people out there who have never had a massage. She's one of them. Until she was a part of, you know, a bridal party. And the bride decided that, you know, as a. As a kind of a gift and a bonding experience for all the bridesmaids, they all went to the spa together and had a day together. And so they all went to get massages as a part of the package. And so she went, this is her first time. Get a massage. And I guess apparently she had told the masseuse that it was her first time getting a massage. Okay, fine. So she gets her massage and then they're coming back out. And if you've ever had a massage, you know, or spend the day at the spa, you're in a robe and then you, you know, leave your massage and you have a glass of water and you're usually in this little, you know, low lit lobby area with the nice music and you can talk to your friends and you know, just kind of ch.

[Jen]

We go to the steam room. We go to the sauna.

[Jeff]

Exactly. So it's just a bond, you know. Again, the purpose of it was a bonding experience. So they're coming out the massages and they're sitting there with their waters and they're talking and everything. And so they're talking about how great their massage on. Each one of them had a different masseuse, you know, Cause they were all doing at the same time. And so then she brought up the fact that the massage, you know, she was saying, well, you know, he was. I guess she was on her back. Had to be on her back at the time, which is toward the end of the massage. And he was, you know, rubbing her shoulders. She said, and then when he was rubbing my breasts for about 10 minutes, and then he did something else. And then they're like. I was like, what? And then I said, what did you just say? And she's like, well, he was rubbing my breasts for about 10 minutes. And they said, dude, you just got felt up.

[Burt]

That's more than a feel up.

[Jen]

I mean, yes.

[Burt]

I mean, a feel up.

[Jeff]

She got violated.

[Burt]

A feel up is what Crash does to the two of you guys every day. That is violation.

[Jeff]

She totally got violated. And I, you know, and I asked.

[Jen]

You, 10 minutes, did you.

[Jeff]

Yes. And I said, did you say that this was your first massage? And she said, yeah, because, you know, I think anybody's had their first massage, they get nervous about stripping down in front of a stranger and having them rub on them. So she was nervous and probably Chatty Cathy and said at the beginning, oh, you know, I'm really nervous about first.

[Bart]

Well, I think they ask you. Don't they usually ask you, have you ever been in before? Like, have you. Have you ever had a massage before? I think it's a pretty standard question.

[Jeff]

I'm trying to think if my first massage, they asked me or I volunteer, I probably volunteered it being, again, being nervous. There's a lot of people that refuse to go because of the, you know, insecurity of doing that. But I've, you know, no, I've never had that experience. But. But I wondered, though, after we talked about that, if there are massage therapists. And, I mean, this was a pretty extreme case, but there are massage therapists that actually take advantage of the fact that somebody is somebody's first time.

[Burt]

Yeah. There are two angles we can take on this, actually. I don't know that we'll get a masseuse actually to call up and go, yeah, yeah, you have the voice disguiser. Yeah, we've got the voice disguiser. And we can use it. Maybe we'll have better luck if we just ask women that. Has this happened to you also? Right where you've gone in and you've told them. I think specifically that this is your first time and when you got out of there, you realized maybe something wasn't right. Like he wasn't supposed to be playing.

[Jeff]

With that part was like, you know.

[Bart]

She just felt like with the region.

[Jeff]

Yeah. I mean, she didn't realize just how bad it was until she compared stories with everybody else, you know, and, well.

[Burt]

While it's going on, she must have some kind of feeling like, this can't be right. Or am I just being. Am I being really American here?

[Jeff]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jen]

That's what I thought. Because it doesn't have to be your first time that this happened, because I just got a massage when we were out of the country. We were in Costa Rica. And, you know, we're Staying at this nice resort place right near this volcano and this lake. And so we have this awesome balcony. And they offer massages where the massage therapist actually would come to your hotel room and set up, you know, either in the room. And I had them set up on the balcony, whatever. So I, you know, it was evening or whatever, so it was dark out. It was kind of misty raining outside. So I thought, oh, this will be perfect. I'll have the natural sounds of the rain and all that stuff and, you know, get a massage on the deck or whatever. So, you know, sure enough, I stripped down, laying. I'm laying face down, not like your friend, face up, but face down on the table. And, you know, so I get the back and the shoulders and the legs or whatever, and then the upper thighs. And then the massage therapist, who was a man, I love massages, so I don't care. Man, woman, whatever, just rub me. And it's like.

[Jeff]

I love massages.

[Jen]

But sure enough, he full on was rubbing my butt. And that doesn't happen here in the States. But, like, what you were saying, Bart? I was like, maybe I'm so American. Maybe I'm so, like, conservative with my body, and I don't, you know, maybe I'm not open to this. And then I kind of was like, well, it kind of feels good.

[Burt]

I don't think I'm gonna.

[Jen]

I don't think I'm gonna stop him from doing it or whatever. But, yeah, he was full on, working the booty.

[Jeff]

Now there's muscles. But you got muscles there at least. I mean, in the breast region. There's not much muscle activity going on there that, you know, that she needed an exam for as long as she did.

[Bart]

Maybe he. That's maybe what it was. Maybe it was an exam.

[Jeff]

It was just a combination. He was concerned about her health.

[Bart]

Yeah, it's just like, maybe she got the, you know, the combination massage. Breast cancer. Check.

[Jeff]

Exactly. There's a pink ribbon on the story thanking him.

[Bart]

Yeah, he didn't realize the pink ribbon on his collar.

[Jeff]

Right.

[Bart]

He's gonna feel her up for 30 minutes.

[Jeff]

He's an official.

[Burt]

Hey, Shelly. You're on all the hits q100. Hi.

[Bart]

Hey.

[Caller Female]

How are you guys doing?

[Burt]

Good, thank you.

[Caller Female]

I was actually. I don't know if it's normal or not, but I was like, undress, fully undressed, and the guy was massaging both sides of my cheeks, my bottom, both.

[Jen]

Sides at the same time.

[Caller Female]

Different times. But, I mean, I was completely naked. And I don't know if that was like, if they had to stop at the, like the crease. I don't know.

[Jen]

Yeah, that's all.

[Burt]

He went all the way up the booty, though. All the way up the round part of what we're talking.

[Caller Female]

All the way up the round part. I was getting a deep tissue.

[Bart]

You know what? That might be the better phone topic. Was my massage experience. Normal. And we get like a massage and we get like a masseuse on and then we have people call in who call up and go, yes, listen, I'm wondering. I was getting massaged and then he took all of his clothes and climbed on top of me and penetrated my region. Was that normal?

[Jen]

Oh, God.

[Jeff]

Jeff. Exploring the territory, right?

[Jen]

No.

[Jeff]

Well, I mean, I love. I mean, I'm like, Jen, I love massages. And I've gotten many by many different, you know, massage therapists. And they're all different. Like I haven't had the full on work in the, you know, but like your guy did. But I mean, I've had half done, but on the over the towel. I mean, you know, like different people have done different things, so it's hard to determine.

[Burt]

I mean, there needs to be consistency.

[Jeff]

But I usually have female massage therapists.

[Bart]

I don't care.

[Burt]

Hey, John, hold on one second for me. John, I'm gonna come back to your call, so don't go anywhere. All right, we'll put you on the voice disguiser. He is a massage therapist that wants to be on the voice disguise. Okay, so we'll put him on in just one second, but first we're going to talk to Evie here. Hey, Evie, you're on the Burnt show.

[Caller Female]

Hi, Bert, this is Evie. It's nice to talk to you guys.

[Burt]

Thanks for calling.

[Caller Male]

What's up?

[Caller Female]

Well, about two years ago, I decided to give my mother a massage for her birthday in Florida. There's a very popular Turkish spa there. And I've never had a massage myself, but, you know, I told her, get a half an hour massage, let's try that out. And then if you like it, I'll pay for the other half an hour. And she went in there and I was just waiting for her because they had like a waiting area. And she came out, like really red and really embarrassed. And now my mom's not the shy type. And I said, mom, how was the massage? She says, well, you know, the guy asked me if I wanted a deep massage. And I really didn't think it was going to be a deep massage. It was more of a, you know, pressure type of deep massage. Well, right before she finished doing her massage. He flipped her over like upside down and moved her legs, like up towards her back. Like, I, I can't even explain the position. And he gave her a deep massage in the vagina area.

[Burt]

Fully was rubbing her there.

[Jeff]

No, it's your mama. Oh my God.

[Caller Female]

She came out like, I'm never gonna get a massage again.

[Ad Voice]

You know what?

[Bart]

A Turkish massage. You can't trust those Turks.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I, I mean, I've never had that done. But I, I will say that by a masseuse, I will say that men, massage therapists, the men versus the women. In my experience, men will try more and they will do different things than women will do.

[Jen]

Really?

[Jeff]

Yeah. We've talked on the air before about some of these things. Like the, what was it? The credit card through the slide. Remember that little reference we made about. And there was a guy one time with the hand. Yeah, exactly. Like, he was just doing the brush by. And I've had a guy do that before. I've had a guy who, who like, once I flipped over because during a massage, if you've never had a massage, you're face down first and then you're on your back for the second part as they, you know, try to get all your muscles. And there was one guy that flipped the sheet up like, you know when you're making a bed and you kind of flip the sheet up and, and try to get it on the bed in one fell swoop. He did that to me so that he could full on, take a, take a glimpse when I was, I was face down, but yeah, butt to the sky. He took a full glimpse.

[Burt]

Is this the guy that.

[Jeff]

No, different guys, different guy. But women. But the women that I completed his it Transaction. Yeah, exactly. But female massage there. I've never had any experience like that with any woman.

[Bart]

I'm convinced because I, When I get massages, I, it's, it's always with female massage therapists because I'm homophobic. So.

[Jeff]

Save that.

[Bart]

So whenever I get, you know, the, the massage, like, I'm convinced that, like, I have to spend the first 10 minutes of my massage reminding myself that this is her job and she's okay with it and she's not analyzing me and that she's actually concentrating on doing a good job and not thinking about all of the places she would rather be. I'm convinced that anybody giving me a massage and sitting there going, Jesus, you know what? I should have gone to freaking law school if my parents were gonna pay for it. Or like, thinking about the Last fight, was she out with her boyfriend or say, my God, look at that mole.

[Burt]

Looks like Spain.

[Bart]

Look at that mole on him. Seriously, I've never seen. I wish. I wonder if there's any way. I wonder if he dozes off if I could go get Cindy and show her that freaking mole.

[Burt]

Need the voice disguiser for this call. John here is a massage therapist. Good morning, John.

[John]

Morning.

[Burt]

How are you today?

[John]

Good. How you doing?

[Burt]

Good. Okay, you are on the voice disguiser and we've tweaked your voice. Nobody can recognize your voice.

[John]

Excellent.

[Burt]

So Melissa was asking if you, you know, of or you have taken advantage of a person that's been, that's come in and gotten a massage for the very first time.

[John]

Yeah, both. Yeah, I know of and have said I've taken taking it beyond the normal massage a couple a few times.

[Jeff]

Specifically one give examples.

[John]

Well, usually I always ask if it's their first time, you know, so, so I can know if, you know what, what they know about massage. They don't know if it's their first time. They don't know the difference. So I usually, you know, if they're, if you know, if they're not ugly or fat, then I just, I just do normal massage in that case. But if they're, you know, fairly good looking, I will massage their butt, massage their chest. Sometimes I'll go a little further up their leg. But you know, if they seem uncomfortable, which they never usually do, I won't go any further. I'll take it at that.

[Jen]

Have you ever gone so far as to touch a woman's hoo hoo?

[John]

No, no.

[Bart]

You mean the cooter bone?

[John]

I get close, but no, not, not all the way there.

[Burt]

But still, I mean, it's been evasive enough to where you have definitely crossed the line. Knowing that you've crossed the line.

[Jeff]

And, and yeah, okay, first of all, you're giving them a massage so they're already relaxed. So there's not going to be much indication they're uncomfortable. But I guarantee you in their mind they are thinking to themselves, is this normal? Oh my God.

[Jen]

Well, that like inner thigh area, that's a total erogenous zone. There are more nerve endings there than there are on the outside. So when the massage therapists go there, you're already on guard. Cause, yeah, it hits some buttons that.

[Burt]

Yeah, I mean it's reflective. Yeah.

[Caller Male]

So.

[Burt]

And you say you only do this to the women that you consider good looking. Are you hoping you're gonna get something out of this? Like the girl's gonna flip over and go, wow, that kind of felt good. Let's do this.

[John]

No, no. I mean, I've had a few women come on to me, but I just. I feel like I have to turn them, you know, I have to turn them down to say no.

[Jeff]

So you never.

[Burt]

Yeah, you don't want to be unethical or anything, right?

[Jeff]

So you've never taken advantage? Because I, you know, I have thought too, like, this is. This is a situation. Like, you were in that room by yourself with the door closed with that massage therapist. Like in any other situation, like in a doctor's office, there's always someone else there with you guys, but there's so much opportunity for inappropriate action to go on.

[Burt]

Well, and also, like, if the client comes back and, you know, starts to question what you've done and goes to management, it's really a he said, she said thing, isn't it? I mean, because you certainly can't have cameras in the place.

[John]

I've never. I've never had anybody complain.

[Burt]

So, you know, you have purposely gone over the line, and you've never had a woman come back and go, hey, I think what you're. What John did to me today isn't part of protocol.

[John]

No, I mean, most of the women. I would say most, at least half the women come back. A lot of them refer to. Refer their friends to me. I mean, they, you know, they usually enjoy it.

[Jen]

So in massage therapy school, do they tell you where the borders are?

[John]

A little bit.

[Jen]

What do they say?

[John]

You kind of. You kind of know, but, yeah, they mention it.

[Jen]

What do they say? They say don't go.

[John]

Definitely, definitely don't touch the hoo hoo?

[Jen]

Well, yeah, but definitely no hoo hoo. But what about the breasts and the butt?

[Bart]

They mention it.

[John]

Yeah, the butt's okay. The chest usually is. Not the. Not the place they want massaged. But like I said, you know, they don't usually know the difference. And it is. It does feel good. So they don't usually complain, you know, and like I said, if they feel uncomfortable, then I'll stop. I wouldn't take that any further. But they don't.

[Jen]

And so what's like, the pleasure in it for you just to kind of get your jollies on? Little violation jollies?

[John]

I wouldn't say jollies. I mean, it's. You know, I like being a massage therapist, but I don't know that I get jollies from it.

[Burt]

Is it just to see how far you can go?

[John]

Well, I like to I like to please people. I like to please women.

[Jeff]

That's good looking women.

[John]

It helps. Yeah, that helps.

[Bart]

Something you have to understand about guys is no matter how old they are, what they do for a living. I'm convinced even physicians still in their back of their mind when they touch a boob, go, I'm touching a boob. Like there's a little voice in the back.

[Burt]

I don't think you want to believe that's true.

[Jeff]

That's why I have female doctors and female massage therapists.

[Bart]

I'm telling you, you don't want to believe it's true. But I'm. Yes, I would.

[Jeff]

Yeah. That's why I think I got you a boob. That's why Jen and I made conscious choices not to have male doctors.

[Bart]

There's a man in the back of our head and that's his only job. That's all he does, is to shout.

[Burt]

Out in Glee, hey, John, I'm gonna keep you on hold, okay?

[Jeff]

That's why there's nurses in those rooms with those doctors.

[Bart]

Touch your boob.

[Burt]

Don't need the voice disguiser anymore. Good morning, Nicole. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller Female]

Hi.

[Caller Male]

Hey.

[John]

Hi.

[Caller Female]

Well, I was going about the whole butt massage thing how everyone's talking about how it's so inappropriate and it doesn't really happen here in the states unless it's inappropriate. But I've had it done a ton of times and I think it's totally appropriate.

[Jeff]

No, I've had my. I've had my butt massaged on the top of the towel. But not underneath the towel.

[Caller Female]

Well, no, I've had it done under the towel. I mean not like full on. I pay for a butt massage. But I mean it's there, you know, like hip muscles. I have muscles that, that I get. My hips get out of joints or out of whack or whatever. And I guess it's been like sort of medical massage sometimes. Like I used to go to a chiropractor that tear the deep tissue massage.

[Burt]

Yeah. But I think there's a really clear line and I can actually point it out to you. I. I've seen it in magazines.

[Bart]

I. Jessica and I went on one of our last vacation. Wasn't this most recent one. But we were somewhere where we went and got back to back massages from like the same therapist. And afterwards we were talking about it and Jessica was like, did she work your butt? And I was like, yeah. And she went after both of our. Both of our butts.

[Jen]

So she went under the Towel on the butt, full on.

[Jeff]

Working it.

[Jen]

Okay, good. So mine was normal?

[Bart]

Yes, because it felt good. I actually think it was Costa Rica.

[Jen]

It was.

[Bart]

Maybe that's a Costa Rican thing.

[Jen]

They like to work the butt.

[Bart]

Did, did. At any time in your, did any time in your mind, did you have the thought, please don't fart or is that just a guy thing?

[Jen]

Well, no, that happens more at the doctor.

[Bart]

It's like I'm just, I'm just.

[Jeff]

Everybody has that, that concern.

[Bart]

I'm just afraid that you. Like, I remember, actually I spend. I don't know why I get mistakes. Massages because I spend the entire time stressed because, like she's, you know, kneading my ass like it's a loaf of bread, you know, like, like she's, like she's making dough and I'm just like in the middle of it.

[Burt]

Nice. I'm just curious what you're doing that's so stressful that you're getting these massages all the time.

[Bart]

You don't have to be stressed to get a massage. Massage.

[Jeff]

Good for you.

[Burt]

I love steps.

[Bart]

Massages are great. It doesn't have to be something about like being high strung or anything.

[Burt]

I've only gone to one.

[Ad Voice]

Really?

[Burt]

Oh, I've only had it done once. That was a couple years ago.

[Jeff]

Love that.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bart]

I go to get massages so I can have stress, so I can go get the next massage. Get it?

[Burt]

The Birch Show.

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[Bart]

Did I talk too much? Can't I just let it go? I was thinking so much.

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[Burt]

Let me warn you that if you are driving around with kids right now, we'll see you tomorrow morning.

[Bart]

In this one, even kids, or I would also say elderly parents.

[Burt]

This one's not going to be pretty. It's probably a subject that probably resonates more with men than it does women, but embarrassing nonetheless. We're going to call this Birch show listener. K. Hello. K. Hello. How are you today, sir?

[Kay]

I'm good.

[Burt]

Dude, when producer Tracy told me about your email, I feel so bad for you.

[Kay]

Yeah. I'm trying to figure out what to.

[Burt]

Do because this is out of your control, even.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I don't. Jen and I don't know. I don't know if Jeff knows, but.

[John]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Okay. What happened?

[Kay]

Okay. Over the weekend on Saturday night, I have this longtime female friend, and I passed out with her in her bed the other night. And it was just sort of. It was sort of like a stepping stone kind of thing. Like nothing sexual happened between us, but, you know, I just passed under her bed, woke up in the middle of the night, and I had had a wet dream.

[Burt]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Jen]

This happens to men.

[Kay]

It happens to me occasionally. Yeah.

[Burt]

It can. You've never. Not once.

[Jen]

I thought that was a teenage boy thing.

[Burt]

Um, it's. There are some guys where. Yeah, it still happens.

[Jeff]

Oh, no. And in the most inconvenient place.

[Kay]

Yeah.

[Bart]

Which way were you facing?

[Kay]

None of it actually got on her, but it got on me. It got on the sheets.

[Burt]

All right, let's not get. Let's not get all crazy graphic about it and all, just not on her.

[Bart]

Try not to think of the Tom Cruise video from yesterday.

[Kay]

Right.

[Jeff]

So I'm.

[Ad Voice]

Oh, God.

[Jeff]

That's not a microphone. So I'm curious. Okay. You realize that this had happened. Like, I take it she realized it had happened too.

[Kay]

She. Yeah, she. I was obviously. I was trying to be as quiet and inconspicuous as possible and she ended up waking up and saw, you know, what had happened, but didn't say anything, went back to sleep. I got up in the morning, of course, totally embarrassed, didn't say anything to her, just took off. And I haven't talked to her since. But I'm trying to figure out if I should, you know, if I should say something about this, if I should just pretend like it didn't happen.

[Burt]

404-741-1005 what are you hoping for the end result to be? You said this is a long term friend. Are you hoping to. That this turns into something else?

[Kay]

I would like it to, yeah. I mean, I'm wondering if I blew it, you know?

[Jeff]

Well.

[Bart]

And that would be.

[Jeff]

Yes. Yes. Kay. So long term friend, like how long have y' all known each other? Been buddies? Like really close pals or.

[Kay]

Yeah, well, I mean, I knew her before, like six months ago. We started, you know, hanging around more for the past six months or so, you know, just occasionally and stuff. And I mean, obviously wanting to move things up to the next level. And it obviously didn't.

[Jeff]

So. Not close enough. Yeah, not close enough. Friends joke about it.

[Burt]

Can't joke about that yet. No. I don't know.

[Bart]

Even if you're a really close friend, I mean, even if you're like best friends. I don't think that's something that you could talk about. Joke about.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Recover from.

[Jen]

Don't you think she probably feels just as uncomfortable as he does, though? It's like the big elephant in the room that nobody's talking about type of thing.

[Ad Voice]

Maybe.

[Burt]

I don't know.

[Jeff]

Well, I mean, she. To me, she would not know what to do. I mean, that's not something that we would have to deal with. So I mean, to me the burden is on K, not on her.

[Burt]

Here is the deal. Like, I think we need to just take calls from women because all the guys are calling up saying the same thing. It's not a big deal. Don't even worry about. It's not even a big deal. But if you're the guy, you're going to think that. But we don't know what the woman is going to think. So to get her reaction, I think we've got to only take calls from women. Does that make sense?

[Jeff]

Yeah. So he has a better idea of how to handle this with his friend.

[Burt]

Right. Because all guys are going to go, it's not a big deal. It happens to us guys. We're guys. Yeah, it's not a big deal. But for women, it's going to be a little bit. Yeah. Tougher obstacle to get around or over or clean up.

[Jeff]

Yeah, she. She. Yeah, she had to clean it up.

[Burt]

So intern Jen, clear the lines of the dudes, and let me just take phone calls from the women. Okay. I'm gonna have you hold on.

[Kay]

Okay.

[Burt]

And we'll turn the voice disguiser off, we'll talk to some virtual listeners, and then come back to you. All right, here's what I thought. It was a woman that he just hooked up with that really. That he really liked, wanted to continue a relationship with her. I think this may be worse. Oh, yeah.

[Bart]

Acquaintance or something.

[Burt]

Yeah. Because this is a girlfriend that. And we talked about this yesterday. There's no such thing really here as guys and girls being friends. Because chances are pretty good that a guy is in this relationship just kind of like waiting in the weeds for the right time to strike, which is where he's at. Except he's thinking there's no way to recover from this. And, yes, it does happen with adult men. Like, generally, I think it stops at, like, 16, 17. But it can still. Yeah, it still can happen. Yeah. You've never. Even when you were in high school?

[Kay]

Nope.

[Burt]

Really?

[John]

Yep.

[Burt]

Good morning.

[Bart]

I'm very clean.

[Burt]

Hey, Lisa.

[Caller Female]

Hey.

[Burt]

How are you?

[Caller Female]

Okay. I don't think you should worry about it. I mean, I think Jen hit the.

[John]

Nail on the head.

[Caller Female]

She's probably just as uncomfortable about it as well, you know, as he is. And if he's interested in her, he should just go for it, you know, because she knows what happened.

[Jeff]

So not say anything or say something.

[Caller Female]

No, I mean, I, you know, I would just. I mean, if he's interested in her, take her out or whatever. I mean, I. And if she, you know, if she's not interested, then she'll say no. But I. I think he. I don't think he should stress out over this.

[Burt]

I think I'd have to say something.

[Bart]

You have to. Well, you would be like, jokey wet.

[Burt]

Dream guy, Jokey nocturnal emission guy.

[Bart]

Jokey ejaculation guy.

[Caller Female]

Gross Yeah.

[Burt]

I don't know how you would even start the conversation.

[Bart]

Go ahead, Burt. Try to make a joke about that.

[Burt]

I can't. I can't.

[Jeff]

The first thing that I thought of is, like, bring. Bring detergent over. I know you had to use this, you know, because of me earlier. Here's. You know.

[Burt]

Yeah, you can't.

[Jen]

I know it's gonna be a tricky situation, but I think you should talk about it.

[Jeff]

You can't.

[Burt]

Good morning, Pam. You're on all the hits. Q1.

[Jeff]

That'll leave a mark.

[Caller Female]

I think he's making too much of it. It's an act of nature. Get over it.

[Burt]

All right, so what is, if he wanted to just be honest with her and just kind of break down that wall, what's the best way for him to approach you about it?

[Caller Female]

I wouldn't say anything about it at all. Unless she does and say, well, you were in my dream. What can I say?

[Burt]

Is it a compliment to a woman if you tell her that? Is it a compliment to her?

[Caller Female]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Really?

[Bart]

Hey, Jen.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Caller Female]

I mean, it's a normal thing. I mean, he can't control it. It's not like he wet the bed.

[Bart]

Are you sure?

[Jen]

Right. I thought that that's where we were going. I'm with her. I thought when he started to tell the story, he was gonna say that he peed himself because he talked about passing out. So I would say on a scale of grossness, that the ping himself, then just don't ever talk to her again. Just sign it off, let her go. But the fact that it was this nocturnal accident thing that just kind of naturally happens, I don't think. I don't think that's as big of a deal. I really don't. I don't think that I would not date a guy because of that.

[Burt]

Okay. I don't think. I don't know.

[Jen]

But if he was a bedwetter, forget about it.

[Bart]

Now, the thing is, if he ever goes over to her house again, what ends up happening? Like, do they climb in bed and then he wakes up and, like, opens one eye and sees her putting an ironing board up between him or some lining up a wall of pillows or sandbags?

[Jeff]

Well, hopefully something will happen between him where it can happen in a. You know, not in his sleep.

[Bart]

But as a woman, aren't you thinking, well, you know what? This guy, he's quick draw.

[Jen]

No, I don't think so. I think it was the anticipation. He likes this girl. He's probably been thinking about it. He was probably worked up by being in the bed with her. She obviously likes him enough to let him sleep next to her. And I mean, obviously they were drinking because he said they passed out together. So she obviously is comfortable enough to let this drunk man sleep in her bed. As her friend, there's. There's a blurred line of what she wants going on here, too. Because if it was just somebody I strictly wanted to be friends with, you better believe they'd be on the couch.

[Burt]

I wonder if she will allow him to spend the night in her bed the next time they're in the same situation.

[Jeff]

Part of me feels like she's doing the same thing we're doing with Kay. Like, I'm sure she's gone to her friend. I mean, like, and ask advice on how. What do I do? I say anything? What do I say? I mean, like, because she don't know what to do.

[Bart]

What if he tries to offer? Like, what if he's. Like, what if he tries to tell a story in the future that addresses the issue, but, like, what if he's like, God, you know what I did again last night? I fell asleep with a fast food restaurant mayonnaise packet in my pocket. I do that all the time. It drives me nuts.

[Jeff]

No, no. Yeah. Jeff, no.

[Burt]

Nocturnal admission. Jokey guy. Hey, Amber.

[Jeff]

Hey.

[Caller Male]

How are you doing?

[Burt]

Fine, thanks.

[Bart]

Do some Kegel exercises, man.

[Jeff]

In his packet in the pocket. Dude.

[Burt]

Hey, Amber.

[Ad Voice]

Hey.

[Caller Female]

I think he should ask her out and just, like, if she doesn't say anything directly about it. I wouldn't say anything directly about it either. But chances are, you know, she's not even making a big deal about it.

[Burt]

I could not have that lingering in the back of my mind. I would be thinking about it all the time, wondering if she was gonna bring it up when the conversation was gonna happen. I would just have to, I think, somehow, some way, say, oh, boy, this is really gonna be uncomfortable. But I think we have to talk about what happened on Saturday night and then let it happen and then be done with it.

[Jen]

And she might even give him the grace period and be like, oh, really? I didn't even notice that. Like, okay, you know, like, she might give him the polite answer, and at least it's out there in the open. They don't have to talk about it ever again.

[Burt]

Hey, Tracy.

[Caller Female]

I think it's no big deal at all. I think that he should have said something in the beginning. Now, it might be a little difficult, but he should probably send her a set of sheets or something. Apologize with a note.

[Bart]

That's Great.

[Jeff]

I just think. I think that. I mean, it's obviously bothering him enough. I do agree that something probably has to be said, but it could be so. It could so short and minor and just say, you know what? I'm sorry. I was embarrassed. I'm sorry. And then just move on. And then that'll be enough. You know, you'll. Kay's gonna end up worrying about this longer than the actual conversation.

[Bart]

One of those funky little five point shops has a card just for that purpose.

[Jen]

You never know.

[Bart]

I'm sorry what I did in your bed.

[Burt]

Hey, Katie.

[Caller Female]

Hey.

[Bart]

A little poem or something.

[Caller Female]

I've got the same thing as all the other women. I don't think it's a very big deal. This stuff happens. If they're interested in each other, I think they can look past it and just kind of move on. Like, yeah, this is just going to be a funny, like, hey, remember when you did blah, blah, blah, like, you know, a couple months or years from now, if it actually works out okay, no big deal at all.

[Burt]

Not a big deal to women. All right, let's get K back on. On the voice disguiser. Hey, Kay.

[Kay]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Most are saying, look, this is really not a big deal. You could either a, approach it with her or just let it go. But it's the most women, all women calling up saying, don't even sweat it.

[Kay]

Yeah, I think I'm. I think I'm going to talk to her.

[Jen]

I think it's because we're a lot more comfortable with bodily functions and things that happen to our bodies than you guys probably are with yours. So, Kay, you're probably really embarrass about your functions, but we have things that are happening that are a lot worse on a much more regular basis than y'. All. So I think that something like that to us is like, whatever.

[Jeff]

Now, Kate, how long has it been since you talked to her?

[Kay]

Well, this. This is on Saturday night. So either one of us has taken the initiative.

[Jeff]

That's not a big deal.

[Burt]

The longer you wait, the more difficult it's going to be to make that first phone call. Do it today, dude. Get that weird tension thing out of the way.

[Bart]

Have you talked to your dad about this?

[Kay]

I would talk to my dad.

[Jeff]

You walk on the beach and, you know, have that personal conversation with dad.

[Burt]

If he's not available, then your grandfather would be fantastic.

[Jeff]

Well.

[Bart]

Or your mom.

[Jeff]

Mom, did dad ever do this to you?

[Burt]

All right, Kay, good luck, man.

[Kay]

Thank you very much.

[Jen]

All right.

[Burt]

Hey, the Birch Show.

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[Bart]

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