The Bert Show: Full Show PT 3 — January 14, 2026 [Vault]

Host: Bert, with the full Bert Show cast (Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, et al.)
Main Theme: A mix of laughter, authentic life stories, and listener drama focused on embarrassing driving mishaps, awkward massage experiences, and a particularly cringe-worthy “listener problem” involving an adult wet dream.

Episode Overview

This episode layers humor and honesty as The Bert Show crew shares real-life stories, navigates listener call-ins, and explores awkward, often embarrassing, moments. The main discussions include:

• Embarrassing driving accidents caused by distractions
• Questionable and boundary-pushing massage experiences
• A listener’s accidental “wet dream” incident and advice on how to handle it
  Throughout, the hosts keep the tone light, funny, and candid, while inviting listeners to join in with their own stories.

1. Embarrassing Driving Mishaps (01:14 – 07:04)

Key Stories & Discussion Points

• Bert's Sidewalk Incident:
  Bert describes how he ran his car up on a sidewalk while distracted by “three stunning hotties” jogging.

  • Quote: “As any red-hot blooded male would do, I start looking a little bit, probably looking a little bit too hard… and I ran it up on the sidewalk.” — Bert [01:40]

• Caller Stories:
  Listeners share their own embarrassing tales:

  • Rear-ending a car after honking at women and blaming the brakes (Caller Female, [02:06])
  • Crashing while laughing at someone getting pulled over ([03:00])
  • Slamming into a Suburban after flipping someone off (“You cannot look cool if you’re flipping somebody off and your airbag just tripped.” — Bart [03:45])
  • Hitting a series of wooden posts while checking out a hot guy, to the dismay of the neighbors ([04:33])
  • Destroying the back of a car when picking up his girlfriend and her sister, then downplaying the damage until alone: “Dropped them off, got back in the car, drove around the corner and actually started crying myself.” — Bart [06:22]

Notable Moments

• Hosts and callers reflect on how embarrassing these situations are, especially when trying to casually explain them away.
• Strong gendered humor ("this may just be a guy thing") around distracted driving and its repercussions.

2. “Was My Massage Normal?”: Awkward Massage Stories (07:12 – 24:49)

Listener Stories & Insights

• Bridesmaid’s First Massage:
  Jeff relays a story about a friend who was “violated” during her first massage—receiving an inappropriate breast massage for ten minutes before realizing (after comparing notes with other bridesmaids) it was not standard.

  • “Dude, you just got felt up.” — Jeff [08:41]
  • “She totally got violated.” — Burt [08:49]

• Costa Rican Massage Boundaries:
  Jen describes getting a “full on” butt massage at a resort in Costa Rica, noting cultural differences and wondering if her initial discomfort was just “being American.”

  • “He was full on, working the booty.” — Jen [11:45]

• Caller Experiences:
  Multiple women call in to clarify which massage techniques are normal, sharing experiences ranging from legal boundary-pushing (“I was getting a deep tissue…full butt massage” — Shelly [12:26]) to clear violations ("...a deep massage in the vagina area" — Evie [15:05]).

• Male Massage Therapist Speaks Out (Voice Disguised):
  John, a massage therapist, openly admits to crossing the line—especially with attractive clients—by massaging their chest and butt, confirming industry boundaries are often ignored.

  • “If they’re not ugly or fat, then I just, I just do a normal massage… but if they’re fairly good looking, I will massage their butt, massage their chest…” — John [17:54]
  • “You kind of know [the boundaries], but yeah, they mention it. Definitely don’t touch the hoo hoo.” — John [20:43]

• Discussion on Gender and Comfort:
  The crew debates why male therapists seem more likely to push boundaries. Bart jokes he uses only female therapists because he’s “homophobic.”

  • “There’s a man in the back of our head and that’s his only job…to shout ‘I’m touching a boob!’” — Bart [22:19]

Memorable Quotes

• “There needs to be consistency.” — Burt [13:40]
• “Was my massage normal? And then we get a masseuse on and people call in… ‘he took all his clothes and climbed on top of me and penetrated my region. Was that normal?’” — Bart [12:57]
• “I like to please people. I like to please women.” — John, massage therapist [21:42]

3. Listener Drama: “Wet Dream” Dilemma (27:26 – 40:06)

Main Story

• Kay’s Predicament:
  Listener “Kay” calls in, mortified after waking up next to a long-time female friend with whom he hopes to become more than friends. During the night, he has a wet dream—getting bodily fluid on himself and the sheets. The conversation revolves around whether he should address it with her or just move on.
  • “Over the weekend… I passed out with her in her bed… I woke up in the middle of the night, and I had had a wet dream.” — Kay [28:03]
  • “None of it actually got on her, but it got on me. It got on the sheets.” — Kay [28:57]

Show Discussion

• Candid Advice:

  • Jen: “Don’t you think she probably feels just as uncomfortable as he does, though? It’s like the big elephant in the room.” [31:02]
  • Bart: “Even if you’re a really close friend…I don’t think that’s something you could talk about, joke about.” [30:55]
  • Callers (all women): “I wouldn’t say anything about it at all. Unless she does and say, ‘Well, you were in my dream. What can I say?’” — Pam [34:27]
  • “If he was a bedwetter, forget about it. But the fact that it was this nocturnal accident… I don’t think that’s as big of a deal.” — Jen [35:22]

• Resolution:

  • Most female callers assure Kay it’s not a big deal, and encourage direct but light acknowledgment if it’s really bothering him.
  • “The longer you wait, the more difficult it’s going to be… Do it today, dude. Get that weird tension thing out of the way.” — Burt [39:38]

Notable Humor

• Creative solutions and jokes about bringing detergent or sending new sheets as apology gifts.
• The show plays up the mortifying nature of the incident while normalizing occasional bodily mishaps with genuine empathy.

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “You cannot look cool if you’re flipping somebody off and your airbag just tripped.” — Bart [03:45]
• “Dude, you just got felt up.” — Jeff [08:41]
• “He was full on, working the booty.” — Jen [11:45]
• “If they’re fairly good looking, I will massage their butt, massage their chest.” — John (massage therapist, disguised voice) [17:54]
• “Dropped them off, got back in the car… and actually started crying myself.” — Bart [06:22]
• “There’s a man in the back of our head and that’s his only job…to shout ‘I’m touching a boob!’” — Bart [22:19]

Timestamps for Major Segments

| Segment | Time | |----------------------------------------------|-------------| | Driving Distraction Embarrassments | 01:14–07:04 | | Awkward/Improper Massage Experiences | 07:12–24:49 | | Listener “Kay” & Wet Dream Dilemma | 27:26–40:06 |

Overall Tone & Takeaways

• The Bert Show’s signature mix of realness and humor shines through deep dives into everyday embarrassments and awkward social moments.
• The team’s rapport with listeners creates a sense of camaraderie, especially as they tackle taboo or cringeworthy topics without shame or ridicule.
• Both the hosts’ and callers’ candor provide gentle guidance: laugh at yourself, own your awkward moments, and trust others to be more understanding than you might expect.

Comprehensive, witty, and authentic, this episode is classic morning radio—turning life’s mortifying moments into laugh-out-loud conversation starters and shared catharsis.