Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, January 28 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show - Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, January 28 [Vault]

Original Air Date: January 28, 2026
Hosts: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and others)
Podcast Theme: Real talk, humor, listener drama, and relatable stories, making mornings lighter with candid conversations.

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Episode Overview

This episode blends classic Bert Show humor with real-life listener dilemmas, a tongue-in-cheek look at relationships, and hilarious commentary on customer service meltdowns. From debunking rumors through a high-tech lie detector, to testing the “chore play” theory for couples, and finally some over-the-top call center dramas, the show oscillates between laugh-out-loud moments and relatable life insights.

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Key Segments and Discussion Points

1. Lie Detector Drama: "I’m Not a Prostitute!"

(00:00 - 08:22)

• Lie detector tech: The cast clarifies their lie detector isn’t the old polygraph style, but an analysis of vocal nuances (pauses, stutters, vocal pitch).
  • “This one detects…nuances in your voice, like pauses and stutters and quivers and everything.” (B, 00:07)
• Listener Krista’s story: Krista calls in, sharing an absurd breakup story—her boyfriend of nearly a year was convinced (without proof) that she was secretly a stripper or prostitute.
  • “We broke up because he was convinced that I was a stripper or prostitute at night. And that’s where all my money was coming from.” (Krista/D, 01:20)
  • She explains silly misunderstandings: showing up in a wig for fun with friends, having a bit more money than expected for her job.
• Cast’s jokes & skepticism: They poke fun—“Did you pay for everything with damp $1 bills that smelled like Bud Light?” (B, 02:16)—while probing for a logical cause for her ex’s suspicion.
• Relationship fallout: Krista details her ex’s paranoia—texting her roommate and mother, directly confronting her, finally ending things on New Year's Eve.
  • “He even went so far as, like, text message my mother, things like that.” (Krista/D, 05:58)
  • Krista wants vindication: “What I want is the haha factor at the end of the day.” (D, 04:26)
• Next steps: Bert plans to put Krista on the show's voice-analysis lie detector and play results for her and her ex.

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2. The "Chore Play" Experiment: Does Doing Chores Really Lead to More Intimacy?

(08:22 - 20:04)

• Confidence hack for women: Briefly mentions a viral idea—a listener says sleeping in sexy lingerie boosts her confidence at work and socially.
  • “She does it every single night. And she feels like she operates now at a different level of confidence.” (A, 09:03)
• Parenting magazine survey: Introduces “chore play”—a survey shows many mothers consider their husbands doing chores as the sexiest 'foreplay,' often preferring it over actual intimacy.
  • “Would you rather make love to your husband, or would you rather have, like, a maid for the day?...65% of the women say, give me the maid.” (A, 10:25)
  • “They call it chore play instead of foreplay.” (C, 10:39)
• Discussion on shifting household dynamics: The hosts talk about gender roles, mental load, and how men often don’t realize all the responsibilities women juggle.
  • “A guy has to get a woman's mind into the bedroom before they ever make it to that bedroom.” (C, 11:33)
• On-air “chore play” challenge: Listeners (single, dating, and married) agree to try the experiment—doing unprompted chores and reporting back.
  • “Chore play will fail if she knows what you're doing.” (A, 13:22)
  • “Just walk into the kitchen, do the dish...Don’t draw any attention to it...” (A, 16:20)
• Funny detours: The group riffs on what counts as cheating at chores (“instead of giving the baby a bath, if they just take it outside and power wash it”), and how men often oversell or seek credit.
  • “If you try to get credit for it...Look what I did...that’s the worst thing you can do.” (A & G, 13:15-13:21)
• Caller perspectives:
  • Heather calls and hilariously endorses the theory: “These guys are going to get so lucky tonight. It is 100% foolproof.” (I, 18:30-18:36)
  • Others recall how unprovoked help is the real turn-on, not just doing chores for show.
  • The cast jokingly bemoan the “rules” of modern relationships: “So many rules with women. Tell us, don’t tell us. Say it, don’t say it.” (B, 19:34)

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3. Hilarious Customer Service Nightmares: Dell Call Center Meltdowns

(20:09 - 30:00)

• Classic Dell meltdown call: Listeners are treated to a “classic, classic meltdown” recording—a man furiously calls Dell customer support over his mom’s computer not shutting down, growing more irate as the rep follows standard verification protocol.
  • “All I need to know is how do you turn this thing off?...You know your automated crap sucks, all right? And I think you suck.” (E, 22:06)
  • “Will you please tell me?...It says Windows is shutting down, it's been saying that since last night...” (E, 24:00)
• Cast commentary: The hosts gleefully dissect the call—empathizing with both sides and joking that the rep is likely “jacking with him” for fun.
  • “I really believe that guy right there was just totally jacking with him. Like, I'm gonna set this guy over the edge right here.” (A, 25:28)
• Reverse meltdown – the Dell guy trolls back: The next call is even wilder—a Dell rep snarkily mocks a customer who’s hesitant to buy a computer without speakers, repeatedly calling him a “little girl, little girl.”
  • “You want to add a floppy drive? …Only $30. …Are you sure? Because in the future gonna cost more money.” (H, 27:16)
  • “Why you have to fly in front of you? Yes, and why you call me?...Little girl, little pussy girl.” (H, 28:21-29:13)
• The Bert Show’s reaction: The hosts are in stitches and encourage listeners to send in similar recordings for on-air laughs.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Krista, on her ex’s suspicion: “Yeah, I guess my job during the day didn't count to him.” (D, 01:37)
• Bert, about breakups: “If we get one call like this, we get a million calls.” (A, 04:48)
• Krista, on her goal: “I just want to...have the haha factor at the end of the day.” (D, 04:26)
• On 'chore play': “Chore play will fail if she knows what you’re doing.” (A, 13:22)
• Heather, on tool belts and romance: “The minute he puts on that tool belt out on a whim...he’s lucky if I don’t pull that tool belt off of him the minute he starts, because that is hot.” (I, 18:34)
• Dell call meltdown:
  • Customer: “All your automated crap sucks, all right? And I think you suck.” (E, 22:06)
  • Dell rep: “Hold down the power button for 10 seconds.” (J, 24:55)
• Dell rep trolling customer:
  • “Little girl, little girl...little pussy girl.” (H, 28:21-29:13)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00 – 08:22: Lie Detector segment with Krista, "Am I a prostitute?"
• 08:22 – 20:04: Chore Play discussion and calls (“chores as foreplay” challenge)
• 20:09 – 29:57: Customer Service calls—Dell support meltdown and “trolling” rep

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Podcast Tone

The Bert Show’s signature style is warm, irreverent, and quick-witted. Serious issues (relationship trust, mental load) are tackled with humor and empathy, while audience calls and real-life examples add relatability. The hosts riff off each other with playful banter, never missing a chance for a joke, but always looping back to genuine advice and insights.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode is quintessential Bert Show: relatable drama, playful relationship experiments, and pure audio comedy gold. Whether you’re into exploring relationship dynamics, need a morning laugh, or just love cringe-worthy customer service moments, this show delivers a hearty, authentic start to your day.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, the bird show, the lie detector we use isn't like that old school polygraph thing that you used to see in the movies and stuff like that?

[B]

No, this one detects, I guess, nuances in your voice, like pauses and stutters and quivers and everything. And then it provides an analysis based on how much you paused and stuttered and quivered, I guess.

[C]

Well, it is based on your voice. And then they. The way it works is you. You first kind of get a baseline, you know, where. Because a lot of people think, oh, well, you'd be scared and pause and stutter anyway because you're nervous about being on the lie detector. But it kind of measures it and then has a baseline so that if you go above that, if you stutter a little more than usual in certain places, if you pause a little more, then your voice goes higher, a little more, then it can detect whether you're anxious or whether you were flat out lying.

[A]

So by the time you're done with the conversation, I mean, you have a pretty good indication if this person is lying or not. And we've used it a couple of different times, and we'll make the offer to you guys. Also, like, if you want to try to get the truth out of somebody you think has been lying to you, we could use it on them. Or you can use it to clear your name also.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Which is what we're going to do today in a beautiful, beautiful way. Good morning, Q100.

[D]

Good morning.

[A]

This is Krista.

[D]

This is Krista.

[A]

How are you?

[D]

Good. How are you guys? I love your show.

[C]

Thank you.

[E]

So.

[D]

Yeah, I know. It's a funny story. My ex boyfriend of almost a year, as of next week, we broke up because he was convinced that I was a stripper or prostitute at night. And that's where all my money was coming from.

[B]

Okay, you just did it during the day.

[D]

Yeah, I guess my job during the day didn't count to him. So he went so far as to text message my roommate at the time and say, you know, tell me the truth. Be honest with me. I won't tell her. I know. Just weird things like that behind my back, convinced that I was a prostitute.

[A]

All right, well, wait a sec. There has to be some kind of indication, because a guy doesn't just wake up on a Wednesday morning and go, I bet she was a prostitute. Like, I'm assuming there must be some kind of history. Like, the two of you walked into a strip club together and, like, all the girls knew you or something. Which made him start to think that you were a dancer?

[D]

No, that wasn't it at all. I mean, hell, maybe I was getting bed. Never know.

[B]

Did you pay for everything with damp $1 bills that smelled like Bud Light?

[D]

No, I didn't. I always used a credit card. But the night. A couple nights, I showed up at his house in a wig, and I just thought it was fun. Like, I bought a wig. One of my girlfriends and I, we always go out in wigs sometimes. So I show up at his house with a brunette wig, long hair, and I guess that's what it stemmed from, I'm not sure. But it ultimately ruined our relationship.

[A]

Okay, into the relationship, though, we're fast forwarding to too much because it doesn't go from one night of wig wearing to a breakup. So there must have been some kind of other indicators.

[D]

I don't know. I mean, I've been scratching my head about it for a while.

[C]

He thinks you had more money than your job should have afforded you. And the wig.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And has anyone ever paid you for sex?

[E]

No.

[A]

Well, you're not on the lie detector yet. Yeah, but I can already tell you're lying.

[D]

Am I on the air right now?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[E]

Ever?

[B]

Nope, we're not on the air. We're just hanging around Melissa's bedroom.

[A]

Melissa's taking her wig off right now.

[D]

The other day, you guys had somebody, and you said that you prepped them for, like, five minutes, so I didn't know.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

We.

[A]

No. No prepping.

[B]

Here's how we prep.

[D]

Talk to them, rather.

[B]

Hey, you ready to be on the air? Hold on.

[A]

All right, so how does. How does it get to just one night of him being curious to thinking that this is the real deal and you breaking up? Like, is he starting to bring it up, like, all the time and yet denying it?

[D]

Yeah, I mean, after he texted my roommate slash best friend, who he didn't even know, not even sure how he got her number, a little bit creepy. But after that, the next day, you.

[E]

Know, I saw him.

[D]

We were supposed to go to dinner, and I confronted him as casually as possible without getting really ticked off. And he basically was like, you need to be honest with me. Straight me in my face, you know, accusing me of being a prostitute. And I just was so taken aback, I didn't even know what to do.

[B]

Now, let me ask you a question. What is it about this guy that makes you still want him after he is that convinced that you're a hooker?

[D]

I actually. I don't want him at all. You just want to Prove to him what I want. What I want is the haha factor at the end of the day. Because what happened was we broke up New Year's Eve and I gave him his presentation. We got in a fight about the whole hooker thing, and then I never got my present. So in a way, I'm a little bit pissed off about that.

[B]

So you want the ha, ha, I'm not a hooker last laugh.

[D]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

If we get one call like this, we get a million calls.

[B]

I know there's nothing makes me feel better. I remember when I was dating, like, after breaking up with a girl and then just telling her, and I'm not.

[A]

A hooker, I'm assuming, chances are pretty good if she was with you, she was a hooker.

[D]

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why I want to prove it to him, but I think it makes for an interesting story.

[A]

So he just thinks you showed up one night with, like, the wig on and that was it. Like, you must have forgotten to take the wig off after you worked.

[D]

I guess that's what he thought. I don't know.

[A]

What a jack.

[D]

I mean, it's funny. If I had hidden it for a year, why would I all of a sudden, you know, bring it out?

[B]

When you were with him, did pimp ever show up and shake you down for cash from your tricks the night before?

[E]

No.

[A]

Now, are we talking about prostitution or are we talking about dancing? Or a combination of both?

[D]

Well, quote unquote, for what he was, have you ever been a stripper or a prostitute? So I guess it covers the whole arena of skankdom. I'm not sure I know. Totally.

[A]

It is weird. It almost sounds like when you were telling the story about the gifts and all. I wonder if he was, like, looking for an out to get out of the relationship.

[D]

Yeah, I think that's what it was ultimately. But I mean, he even went so far as, like, text message my mother, things like that.

[A]

Oh, no, he texts your mom asking if you were a prostitute.

[B]

What, like she put you through prostitute college?

[A]

I don't know.

[D]

I don't know if he texted her that exact question. But I mean, different things, personal things he would tell my mother. So, yeah, very creepy. And his mom and my mom are, like, really good friends. So it made my life even more difficult, you know, explaining things to my mom.

[B]

It's kind of a compliment because. I don't know. I mean, did you ask him if you were day shift or night shift?

[D]

No. I don't know why he. I don't know. Why he thought that?

[B]

I mean, if you're like. I mean, if somebody asks you if you're a stripper, then you should say, what shift? And if he's like, I don't know, Friday nights, 10 to 2, you should be like, hell yeah.

[A]

If he says Wednesday afternoon at 1, then you should be offended.

[D]

And the funny thing is, you know, the ultimate alpha male would actually probably like it if his girlfriend was a stripper.

[F]

Or her.

[D]

I mean, I don't know, maybe.

[A]

I think there's a big difference here. Like, I could probably, at a leap of faith, date a stripper, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't date a hooker.

[D]

Exactly.

[B]

I think a pasty keeps getting in the way of you and the phone.

[A]

Oh, stop.

[D]

A what?

[C]

A pasty. I'm curious, what gift you got him? I just. I don't know.

[D]

Oh, I got him a really nice, like, Tiffany keychain because you know how boys have their ugly keychains. And I also got him a tie. A really nice tie for work and.

[B]

A threesome with a girl named Mercedes.

[D]

And I got nothing. I got nothing except a huge freaking fight and humiliation in front of my mother and my, you know, my girlfriend being like, you gotta leave him. Just a lot of a waste of time.

[A]

There are two calls that I want to make on this. Not only do I want to make the call to you later on in the day and put you on the lie detector, but I also would like to call him to see if he broke up. If he used that as the excuse to get out of the relationship and find out if he's lying on that on that end.

[C]

That's a great idea because you got.

[A]

Nothing to lose at this point. You've broken up with the dude, you don't want to get back with him.

[C]

And breaking up on New Year's Eve, I just. I wonder if that was kind of premeditated.

[D]

Exactly. Yeah. Christmas Eve, New Year's.

[A]

Alright, Krista.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, I'll do this. I'll get your number from Tracy and I'll call you later on today and I'll put you on the lie detector and I'll ask you a whole series of questions and we'll see how you do. And I'll play the results for him for you tomorrow morning around this time. And I also want to get the ex boyfriend's number.

[E]

Okay?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And the number to your pimp.

[A]

Hold on. Okay. Hey, The Burt Show. We're testing out a theory that a Burt show listener hit me up with at Bitterball. On Saturday, through her kind of drunk mumbling, she told me that she feels more confident. She has this way of making herself feel more confident that if she puts on, like, sexy lingerie the night before to go to sleep in, even though her boyfriend's not around or whatever, she's alone. If she puts that on, she wakes up the next morning feeling confident. And it's not only helped her in the office, but it's helped her socially. Now she doesn't wear this stuff under her clothes.

[G]

It's just a bed at night alone.

[A]

Just to bed at night alone. She's just doing it for herself, and she does it every single night. And she. She does feel like she operates now at a different level of confidence. So we had a couple of virtual listeners that came on with us and said, look, let me try this for the next week, and we'll report back and see if I have any. If I have any more confidence. So we're doing that early, and I want to try something different with you guys that listen this late, and I want to do it with guys. And it's all based on a survey that Melissa told us about a couple of days ago.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And the survey comes from Parenting magazine, and it said that there are a whole bunch of moms that think that their idea of foreplay at this point is their husband doing chores.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like, that's the sexiest thing a guy can do is when a guy unexpectedly does chores. And the article goes on to say pretty much that if you do this correctly, you are assured of getting the green light that night.

[G]

You're the only moms and dads.

[B]

It's the name of the woman.

[A]

This came from Parenting magazine.

[B]

It's not even the woman who wrote that article.

[A]

Well, even Jen said it was pretty sexy, right?

[G]

Well, it definitely shows care and concern and thought and that sort of thing. I don't know about sexy, but, yeah. I mean, I would guess if you help out, it's gonna show your woman that you care, and then she will show you that she cares in return.

[A]

From time to time, you see these surveys that come out, and it's like these moms that have an alternative in front of them. Would you rather make love to your husband, or would you rather have, like, a maid for the day? And, like, 65% of the women say, give me the maid.

[C]

Well, they call it chore play instead of foreplay. It's called chore play, and I think it's all. It kind of goes back to conversation we had earlier that Jen brought up about how there's kind of an imbalance in the home. Like our parents had specific gender roles. You know, the man went out and got the job, made the money and the woman took care of the house. Where nowadays since there are more women in the workplace and they're sharing that responsibility of making money, but it doesn't seem like they're sharing the same amount of responsibility at the home. And I think for a lot of guys, don't realize that women have a lot of responsibility at home that they're not even aware of. They just benefit from it. And I think that the point of this is that if a guy is helping out, like Jen said in shows caring, but it also is taking things off her to do list. A guy has to get a woman's mind into the bedroom before they ever make it to that bedroom. And so if she's still thinking, you know what, I just got home from work, I still got to get this done, I got to get this done. Because if I don't get it done, it's going to push over to tomorrow and I can't let it do that. And she just spirals into this stress ball that he's got to alleviate that somehow. And helping out with chores is the first, what is the first step in doing that?

[A]

Here's what I want to do. I want to find like three or four guys, both married guys and single guys that you know, you're going to be around your girlfriends tonight and you're definitely gonna be around your, your wives tonight. And I'd like you to do like some unexpected chores around the house. 404-741-Q100 when she walks in the door and you can't bring it up to her cuz this specific survey says that if she knows what you're up to, like if she knows you're doing the chores in order to get sex, then forget it, it's not gonna work. So here's what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a couple of guys to say, okay, I'll try it tonight as she walks in the door. I'll already be in the process of doing whatever it is, right? It would, it's probably something I normally wouldn't be doing. But you're not supposed to draw attention to it. Don't let her know what the intention is and see if it ends up the way that the survey says that it's gonna end up. That you're gonna end up in an intimate situation just by doing chores.

[B]

Women will ask Too, though. So you have to have your excuse prepared, because if you walk in the house and Ryan has cleaned the whole living room and vacuumed and put everything away, you're gonna be like, what's going on, dude? Who's coming over?

[A]

Did you cheat on me?

[B]

Did you have a girl in here?

[G]

Do we have company coming over later?

[E]

What are you doing?

[B]

Yeah, it's gonna be company that he invited and he cares about. Because if it's you invited, he'd be like, well, whatever.

[A]

They know.

[B]

They're our friends.

[A]

I think you have to have a stock answer going into it. Like, if she asks you about it, because you normally wouldn't do this. I think you just have to sort of, like, play it off. Like, it's like, you know what I just saw? It was just kind of a mess around, and I just. I don't know. I just thought I'd pick up.

[G]

Yeah, exactly. Because if you try to get credit for it, like, look. Look what I did.

[A]

Yeah, look.

[G]

Aren't I.

[C]

So. Worst thing you can do.

[A]

This specifically says, chore play will fail if she knows what you're doing.

[C]

Correct.

[A]

So when she walks in tonight, you just have to be doing your thing, you know, doing some chores that you normally wouldn't be doing and see if it ends up with the green light. Hey, Michael, you're on Q100.

[F]

Hey, guys.

[A]

How are you?

[F]

I'm excellent. How you guys?

[A]

Good, man. Now, you single guy? You married?

[F]

I'm single.

[A]

Single.

[F]

I'm dating, but yeah.

[A]

Are y' all living together?

[F]

No, we're not.

[G]

Okay.

[A]

Just gonna work if. I mean, how are you gonna pull this off?

[C]

How long have you been dating?

[F]

About five and a half years.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, this will work.

[A]

This will work.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

So when she comes into her apartment or wherever tonight, you'll be cleaning up just a little bit. She's probably gonna ask you about it. And yet again, you're not looking to get credit.

[C]

Right.

[A]

You're just kind of like, you know what? I just saw that we. This needed to be done, and I just. Yeah.

[F]

Just thought I'd do it.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, like, it's like. Yeah, you got to pretend like it's a normal thing. Like. Yeah, I just. Yeah, I just thought I'd do it.

[G]

Do you stay at her place most of the time?

[F]

Every. Every weekend. But making a special trip. It's her friend's birthday, so it's actually gonna be a good thing because it's gonna be. We're staying at the apartment while our friends are going out so I'll be able to clean up after her friends, actually.

[A]

Perfect.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

All right, let's check back tomorrow and see if this works or not.

[F]

All right.

[C]

Have fun, because I can't imagine it not working.

[A]

You think this is 100%?

[C]

I mean, I'm pretty close to it. Because I really do think that women do far more than men think, because men, when you do something, then you want credit for it, which is not a bad thing. I mean, but you know, where women don't have the same attitude or don't act the same way. So I think unless you're told, a lot of times guys don't pay attention or won't do it. And the fact that he's going to do it without being prompted to do it and without asking for credit, Yeah, I think it's close to 100%.

[A]

Hey, Josh.

[E]

Hey.

[F]

How you doing, ma'?

[A]

Am? Melissa says you got a sure thing tonight.

[F]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah, she says, are you married or single guy?

[F]

I'm married.

[A]

How long have you been married?

[F]

Eight years.

[A]

Eight years. Do you normally help out around the house?

[F]

You know, when I do, I absolutely know that there's a change in her attitude immediately, you know, and it does help out, you know, as far as in the bedroom or whatnot. But I'm willing to give it a shot.

[A]

And the trick is, she can't know what's going on. Chore play won't work unless it's totally spontaneous and there's no intent behind it.

[F]

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll come home from work like, I had a very bad day, and I'll say, you know what?

[H]

Forget this.

[F]

I'm just gonna do dishes tonight.

[B]

That'll relax me.

[F]

You know what I mean?

[A]

I think you're trying too hard.

[C]

Yeah. I don't think you make an announcement.

[G]

That you do it.

[C]

You just go in and do it.

[A]

This is a common theme on the show, isn't it? Like when guys. When we try to do an assignment, we try going over the top on it when we don't really need to.

[C]

Right. Every time.

[B]

Like, don't start working on an addition to the house. What are you doing? I thought I put a loft above the garage.

[A]

Cause you're too exhausted to have sex when you're done.

[C]

Yeah, just walk. Yeah, just walk into the kitchen, do the dish. I like the formal announcement. Wow. I had a bad day. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna do the dishes.

[G]

Guess what, honey? I'm gonna help out around here.

[A]

Yeah, don't even mention when she's walking in tonight or after dinner. Tonight, you just do the dishes, don't draw any attention to it, and see what happens.

[B]

And you should be wearing nothing but an apron. Not a problem.

[C]

If you go and pick up her plate, like when you're done eating dinner and then you pick up your plate and then go and pick up hers and then start doing the dishes. Dude, you won't even make it upstairs.

[B]

Even if she's not done pick up her plate because. Just because her ass is looking a little big these days anyways, you don't really need that.

[A]

All right, hold on.

[F]

All right.

[C]

And see if she can. Oh, you're laughing a little too loud.

[A]

Yeah, he's not sure which part of that was a joke and which is the real.

[G]

I think he's going to pull that off.

[B]

Hey, you got a big ass. So I'm going to go do the dishes.

[G]

I can see that happening.

[A]

Trey, you're on Q100. Good morning.

[H]

What's up?

[F]

Bird show.

[A]

You want to give this a try tonight?

[F]

Well, I've been married for five years, so I'll give it a try.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You sound like you're really thrilled in your marriage.

[F]

Oh, I love it. I mean, it's awesome. I mean, we have 14 months old and another baby on the way.

[A]

Okay. So, you know the opportunities to actually engage here. Few and far between is what he's saying.

[F]

Right.

[A]

Tonight, when she gets in, you have already started doing whatever it is that you're gonna do. Don't draw any kind of attention to it at all. And just let us know what happens tomorrow morning.

[F]

I can do that.

[C]

Okay, sir.

[A]

Thank you. Hold on. Put you on hold. And we'll check back with you tomorrow morning at the same time.

[B]

Do guys still get credit if they shortcut the chores? Like, instead of giving the baby a bath, if they just take it outside and power wash it.

[G]

Hose it down real quick.

[A]

No spit on it.

[B]

Yeah, just put baby powder on it so it smells clean. Give the kid a bath.

[A]

Stick on it.

[B]

Hey, it smells great. Smell them. Is he wearing Brute?

[G]

Is that Axe body spray?

[A]

Why does our infant have Axe on? I don't know, but all the other infants are all over.

[B]

Don't let him get in the elevator.

[A]

It's an easy day at daycare today. Hey, Heather. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[I]

Hey, good morning, guys.

[A]

Hey.

[I]

I just gotta say, these guys are gonna get so lucky tonight.

[A]

See you think so. This is a sure thing.

[I]

It is 100% it's foolproof. My husband, we bought a house, and we bought a much bigger house than we normally could have afforded. So it needed to be fixed up. You know, we're putting in sweat equity. But of course, you know, the typical husband thing. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that. But the minute he puts on that tool belt out on a whim to go and fix something in the house, he's lucky if I don't pull that tool belt off of him the minute he starts, because that is hot. I mean, Daniel, he's an awesome husband all the way around, but the minute that Daniel starts actually working in the house and doing something especially unprovoked, yeah, I'm all for it. We're gonna have a great day.

[G]

I think she just pointed out a key is unprovoked, right?

[C]

Yes.

[G]

Because it's just like if you get a gift that you didn't ask for, it's really sweet. But if you ask for it, it's like, oh, well, you already told him exactly what you wanted, you know, so it's the unsolicited bribe.

[B]

So many rules with women. Tell us, don't tell us, Say it, don't say it.

[C]

Well, women grew up with the Prince Charming, you know, nursery rhyme where he's self sufficient, he comes in, sweeps you up, and he takes care of everything.

[A]

Who wrote that?

[C]

And I think some women find that that's not the case. So every. When there's glimpses of Prince Charming, then there you go.

[A]

Look, we've set the bar so low now that now they just want a glimpse.

[G]

Now we've seen some every once in a while.

[A]

Just bet on a horse that's white on Saturday, and I'll take it.

[E]

The bird show.

[A]

Dell is notorious for taping their customer service calls. And before I'll play the newest one, I'll play one that we played a while back, which is just a classic because this guy, you have to sort of get through the first couple of minutes here. But this is a classic, classic meltdown. And I think if I remember correctly, wasn't this dude calling because his dad's computer was jacked up?

[G]

I think it's his mom's computer. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And so he didn't even need to be on the phone, really. It wasn't his computer, but his dad is probably, probably a little bit older, doesn't understand how the whole thing works. So he's calling for his old man and he just like loses it. Completely loses it with the Dell guy.

[J]

Dell Hardware, warranty support. My name is. How can I help you?

[E]

Well, my mom got one. Hello?

[G]

Can you hear me right off the bat?

[E]

Yeah, I'm having a problem. How about now? I got my phone on. Can you hear me now?

[J]

I can hear you. You're breaking up a little bit, but.

[A]

Let me stop it there for a second, because you can already hear the irritation in the voice of the guy. Like he's bummed he's on the phone. This isn't his computer. It's his old man's computer. So he's already. Or his mom's.

[G]

Mom's.

[A]

Yeah, so he's already sort of on the defensive, so this better go smoothly. Can you hear that already?

[G]

From the first thing he says. Hello, can you hear me? Somebody there?

[E]

All right, well, what I got is my mom's laptop here. And it won't turn off.

[J]

It won't turn off?

[E]

No.

[J]

Okay.

[E]

If Windows is down. Cannot turn it off. Try to turn off the power, everything. It won't turn off.

[J]

All right, can I get the service tag?

[E]

I just gave it to you people? All right, Express service code is. You got it?

[B]

You think his mom's sitting right there going, oh, dear.

[J]

While you're yelling very loud. 49. Is that right?

[E]

Yeah, it's close enough. All I need to know is how do you turn this thing off? You know, your automated crap sucks, all right? And I think you suck. All right? Hey, you don't need to turn the thing off. You ain't seen that.

[J]

All right, well, I will just need to actually see what system you have here, so I'm showing that you. Can I get the name on the account? It's all right. And the phone number is purchased at.

[E]

Why do you need all this? All I need to know is how do you turn the thing off?

[J]

I need to verify the owner of the system.

[E]

Sir, the number is 7 2.

[J]

All right. And can I get your name?

[E]

My name is.

[J]

And your last name?

[E]

I'm her son. Damn you. Well.

[B]

Just jacking with him at this point.

[J]

And your phone number?

[E]

My phone number is the same.

[J]

Okay. And your email address.

[E]

Why do you need that? You know, you're upsetting the out of me. All right? You damn ass. But damn it, the thing we're not shut off. You understand that? Since last night. And you got battery problem as well. All right, what the hell the is going on with this thing? I am getting very upset about this. You know, I've spent about an hour trying to talk to you people on this freaking automated crap. You got and that's what's got me all upset like this, all right? And if you didn't have all this automatic crap on your phone system, then somebody would talk to a human. Do you know what a human is?

[J]

Yes, sir, I do, and I will.

[E]

You keep acting like a computer and keep asking me pretty stupid questions when all I need to know is how do you shut this thing down? It says Windows is shutting down. It's been saying that since last night. All right? Now how come it won't shut down and how come I can't shut it down? What do I gotta do, rip the damn battery out of the back of it?

[J]

Um, no, you definitely don't want to do that.

[E]

Well, what do I gotta do? Will you please tell me?

[J]

So do you not have an email address? That's all I need from you. Do you not have an email address?

[E]

I'm not gonna give it to you. Alright, let's put it that way, all right? Because I have nothing to do with this damn computer. All I want to know is how you shut it down before it causes a damn fire. Will you tell me?

[J]

Alright, so to shut the system off. You see the power button on it?

[E]

I've been pushing it for the past three hours. It don't f. Do nothing.

[J]

Okay? Hold down the power button for 10 seconds right?

[E]

Now, You could have told me that. You know, you are not very freaking helpful, you know that? Yeah. And you can put this in your record.

[A]

So you could tell he was upset, right? I mean, before the call even started.

[B]

And you know the guy, the employee is totally jacking with him because he's like, yes, I need your. He's like, at the yoga camp, hobby went to like, he gets more and more calm as the conversation progresses.

[A]

I really believe that guy right there was just totally jacking with him. Like, I'm gonna set this guy over the edge right here. Totally.

[G]

And you know he's calling all of his friends over to the Cube. Like, listen to this. Come here, come here.

[A]

There's a new one.

[G]

I'm getting everybody in the office.

[B]

He can't get in trouble for that because I'm sure it was by the book.

[A]

Oh, sure.

[B]

His charge says get an email address and a phone number and check the serial number and blah, blah, before you start the call. His boss can't yell at him.

[E]

Right.

[G]

He's doing his job.

[A]

Now I'm going to play another one for you here in just a couple of seconds where it's the Dell guy that starts jacking with the client. Good morning. Q100. Hey, Amanda.

[D]

Hi. How are you guys?

[A]

Good. What's up?

[D]

Well, I wanted to make a comment on the customer service thing. I work in customer service, being on the receiving end of those calls. Yes, it's hard not to lose your cool with those customers.

[A]

No doubt.

[G]

I'm sure. Time after time after time, if you took two of those calls, I would imagine losing it on the third.

[D]

And you have. You can't lose your cool on those.

[F]

Calls on the line.

[A]

I mean, those will get on the radio every single time. I love those. Record those and send those to me.

[D]

I said I would.

[G]

Off the air, Burt was like giggling like a little schoolgirl listening to this next one he's gonna play for us. But he's laughing and we're all thinking he was like making fun of the commercials that we're running. Laughing at us.

[A]

No, this one is funny here. Cause it's the Dell guy that just starts like provoking the client. And it's not necessarily tech support, but this dude is calling cause he's seen an ad in a paper for a Dell computer. So he calls up Dell to just get a little clarification on exactly what he's gonna get for his money. And the Dell guy starts like provoking him into trying to buy a computer and insulting the dude. So bear with the first couple of seconds through it. And then at about 60 seconds, you'll hear the Dell guy just start jacking with this dude.

[H]

Take over two things. My name is Robert. What can I build for you today? Yeah, I'm calling about the computer that's on sale. It's 999. It's on a flyer that came in the newspaper. And I'd like to order that one. Okay, let me confirm everything with you. We have the painting four processor, 520 with HD technology, 2.8 gigahertz. Okay. DVD player and the first bay. And a free city burner on the second base. No floppy drive. You want to add a three and a half floppy drive? Well, let's not do a disk. If I wanted to put something on the disk, will it do it? Yeah, actually, we recommend you do floppy because only $30. 3 0. Okay. No, I don't want that. Okay, Are you sure? Because the future gonna cost more money. Okay. And no speakers stickers don't come with it. No, sir, it's not in the flyer. Okay, well, let me read it a little bit better and I'll call back. Why you have to fly in front of you? Yes, and why you call me? That gets back for me. You call me.

[E]

Call me again.

[H]

Again. Again. That's going to be back. I didn't realize that it didn't have speakers. And I don't want to have to order speakers for this price. So I'll just look somewhere else and find me another computer. Oh, unbelievable. Like a little girl. I can't believable. Only for speakers. Go ahead. Little girl, little pussy girl. Let me talk. Let me get out of here. Get out of here. Little girl. You a little girl. Little girl, little girl, little girl, little girl. You're going to let me talk to your manager. Little baby girl.

[E]

That's how it ends.

[F]

That's how it ends.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[C]

Little hooker.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

At the very end, he calls him a little hooker.

[B]

I'm gonna start doing that.

[H]

Little girl. You are. Little girl, little girl, little girl, little girl, little girl.

[A]

No way.

[E]

Yes.

[G]

That is awesome.

[A]

Oh, I love those. That is the easiest way to get on the radio. If you send us those. Those customer service calls, I can be a livable.

[B]

Girl.

[H]

You a little girl. Little girl, little girl, little girl, little girl.

[J]

That's so awesome.

[E]

Get it.

[A]

The bird show.