Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, March 18 [Vault]

Date: March 18, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show is a classic, packed with laugh-out-loud moments, honest personal confessions, caller stories, and lively debate on love, boundaries, and unforgettable public embarrassments. The cast shares relationship insights, navigates awkward male experiences, and checks in on ongoing listener sagas—including an ambitious proposal plan, a wild "parent sting" operation, and listeners' tales of being booted from public places. The tone is real, tangibly funny, and always unfiltered.

Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Awkward Male Experiences

Timestamps: 01:02 – 12:34
The cast dives into a surprisingly honest discussion about male physiology—specifically, involuntary arousal at the most inopportune times. What starts as a hypothetical relationship scenario turns into a riotous confessional, with the hosts and listeners (including disguised voices) sharing real stories of embarrassing moments.

• Key Highlights:

  • Relationship Scenario: What if your partner slow-dances with someone and “the guy gets excited?”
    • Bert says (01:52): "I'm totally cool with that, by the way. I'm totally happy about that because I hate dancing."
    • Hosts debate whether to be mad at the partner or the other guy, with Bert concluding:
      • "I would not be mad at either one of them." (03:50)
      • "I'm not offended by him because I think all guys know that sometimes that can happen...there is zero, less than zero, we can do about it." (05:37)
  • Listeners Call In: Real-life embarrassing moments, ranging from church and graduations to wedding photos and the Home Depot.
    • Home Depot story: "I turned to step off the ladder, my junk kind of landed on her shoulder…she looked back at me like straight porno style." (11:46, Craig)
    • Wedding story: "It happened during our wedding photos." (08:42)
    • Voice-disguised funeral arousal: "I haven't met you at a funeral…just popped up." (09:19)

• Notable Analogy:

  • Craig: "I think it's like a guy's period." (06:30)
  • Eileen: "Except it only lasts 15 minutes, no cramps, no discomfort…and it doesn't alter your mood, but other than that, just like being on your period." (06:50)

2. Getting Publicly Booted: Tales of Removal & Embarrassment

Timestamps: 14:11 – 26:25
Inspired by Patti LuPone’s on-stage rant at an audience member for taking photos (15:12), the team asks listeners if they've ever been escorted out of a public event. The calls pour in with hilarious and humiliating stories.

• Broadway Outburst:

  • Audio of Patti LuPone: "Get them out. I won't continue with this taking pictures...You heard the announcement at intermission. Who do you think you are?" (15:12)
  • Jen reflects: “She was furious.” (15:14)

• Listener Call-Ins:

  • Comedy Club Drunk Minimum: "They put the spotlight on us...They made jokes about the people that didn't want to pay for their drinks and literally escorted me, my friend, my mom and her best friend..." (18:20)
  • Disney World Secret Service Incident: "It's not like they just kind of like ask you to leave. Disney Secret Service shows up, like, literally in dark suits..." (23:46)
  • Phantom of the Opera Ushers: Guy drunkenly sings along, needs to be physically removed. (19:32)
  • Hot Dog Toss at Dodgers Game: "He decided to be brilliant idea to throw a hot dog over the other team's bullpen...within about a minute, he was escorted out." (20:47)
  • All-You-Can-Eat Sushi Kick-Out: "They stopped serving us...At what point do they come up to you and they say, I'm sorry, that's too much." (25:51)

3. Relationship Drama: The Nontraditional Proposal

Timestamps: 28:01 – 40:54
An extended check-in with Kimberly, who wanted to propose to her boyfriend despite his stated disinterest in marriage.

• Backstory: Kimberly planned a Christmas morning proposal, which her boyfriend's dad accidentally spoiled. She continues, determined, to find "the right moment."
• Man-gagement Ring: "No, I got him a man gagement ring. Like an engagement ring for him. It's titanium...a very manly ring." (31:19)
• He Cuts Her Off: "He's like, if you're going to do what I think you're going to do, don't do it." (31:56)
• Debate on Boundaries:
  • Jen: "If this is your line in the sand, then you have to stick to it." (34:44)
  • Burt: "Are you ready to cut yourself loose and allow this guy to take off based on your timetable?" (37:12)
  • Kimberly: "I'm gonna give him like, another two years, and then I have to do what I have to do." (40:17)
  • The hosts gently challenge Kimberly’s expectations and push her toward self-honesty about what she really wants.

4. Ongoing Love Saga: The High School “One That Got Away”

Timestamps: 42:58 – 50:56
Craig, a musician, has spent 17 years heartbroken about his high school girlfriend, unable to find her on social media.

• The Setup: "For 17 years he's been thinking about the same girl...we gave all the information over to Blue Dog Investigations." (43:27)
• She’s Been Found: The show dramatically reveals they’ve found her and she’s willing to come on the air.
  • Craig's hope: "I just want to, you know, catch up and see where she's at. And if, you know, it may turn into something. I don't know." (44:40)
• Confession:
  • The hosts ask if he cheated: "I kissed another girl...my best friend's sister." (48:50)
• Closure or Reconnection? The emotional suspense builds—Craig will talk to her on-air tomorrow.

5. Sting Operation: Parents Spy on Teen Daughter

Timestamps: 51:05 – 58:28
A mother calls in, plotting a wild sting to catch her 16-year-old’s real “movie night” plans.

• Spy Tactics:
  • Jane: "We've got a full blown sting operation...he's going to let me know when they leave the house. We're gonna be sitting at the edge of the neighborhood...we have a whole map planned out." (51:26)
  • Host jokes: "You're setting up a perimeter...you need code names...the eagle is landing." (58:32)
• Teenage Note-Busting: She finds a handwritten note, starting the investigation.
• Community Vibes: Multiple parents call in (notably Tim, 56:19), warning about “Walmart baby” outcomes.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Male Anatomy:

  • Bert: "There are some times where you’re not even excited. It just sorta happens...there is zero, less than zero, we can do about it." (05:37)
  • Craig: "I think it's like a guy's period." (06:30)

• On Relationship Boundaries:

  • Jen: "If it's your standard that after two years you want to be married and he says he's not, then are you going to just give in? That's the decision you have to make." (34:44)
  • Kimberly: "I'm gonna give him like, another two years, and then I have to do what I have to do, you know? I mean, it can't just be all about, like, what he wants." (40:17)
  • Burt: "If you've been engaged for a long time and you feel like at this point it's time for you to cut your losses...then you should have a timetable in your mind." (38:56)

• On Public Ejection:

  • Patti LuPone (via audio): "Get them out. I won't continue with this taking pictures. Get them out. Three times you took a picture. You heard the announcement in the beginning." (15:12)
  • Kimberly (on Disney World): "Disney Secret Service shows up ... escorted us to the front gate and said, you are no longer allowed on Disney property for the next 72 hours." (23:46)

• On Parental Surveillance:

  • Jane: "We've got a big, big spotlight hunter spotlight that we're going to be using. And we're all going to be dressed in black with hats on." (53:01)
  • Jen: "I'm just remembering back in my teenage days when I used to say I was going to the movies and I didn't." (53:39)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Awkward Male Experiences: 01:02 – 12:34
• Patti LuPone Outburst/Getting Kicked Out: 14:11 – 26:25
• Kimberly’s Proposal Drama: 28:01 – 40:54
• Craig’s Lost Love Saga: 42:58 – 50:56
• Parent “Sting Operation”: 51:05 – 58:28

Overall Tone & Takeaways

In classic Bert Show style, the tone remains light, irreverent, and open, with space for real talk and empathy. The episode is a blend of humor, confession, and community, with authentic audience participation. If you want relatable laughs, relationship reality checks, and a reminder that everybody occasionally gets embarrassed, this is an episode for you.