Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, March 18 [Vault]

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, March 18 [Vault]

Date: March 18, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show is a classic, packed with laugh-out-loud moments, honest personal confessions, caller stories, and lively debate on love, boundaries, and unforgettable public embarrassments. The cast shares relationship insights, navigates awkward male experiences, and checks in on ongoing listener sagas—including an ambitious proposal plan, a wild "parent sting" operation, and listeners' tales of being booted from public places. The tone is real, tangibly funny, and always unfiltered.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Awkward Male Experiences

Timestamps: 01:02 – 12:34
The cast dives into a surprisingly honest discussion about male physiology—specifically, involuntary arousal at the most inopportune times. What starts as a hypothetical relationship scenario turns into a riotous confessional, with the hosts and listeners (including disguised voices) sharing real stories of embarrassing moments.

• Key Highlights:

  • Relationship Scenario: What if your partner slow-dances with someone and “the guy gets excited?”
    • Bert says (01:52): "I'm totally cool with that, by the way. I'm totally happy about that because I hate dancing."
    • Hosts debate whether to be mad at the partner or the other guy, with Bert concluding:
      • "I would not be mad at either one of them." (03:50)
      • "I'm not offended by him because I think all guys know that sometimes that can happen...there is zero, less than zero, we can do about it." (05:37)
  • Listeners Call In: Real-life embarrassing moments, ranging from church and graduations to wedding photos and the Home Depot.
    • Home Depot story: "I turned to step off the ladder, my junk kind of landed on her shoulder…she looked back at me like straight porno style." (11:46, Craig)
    • Wedding story: "It happened during our wedding photos." (08:42)
    • Voice-disguised funeral arousal: "I haven't met you at a funeral…just popped up." (09:19)

• Notable Analogy:

  • Craig: "I think it's like a guy's period." (06:30)
  • Eileen: "Except it only lasts 15 minutes, no cramps, no discomfort…and it doesn't alter your mood, but other than that, just like being on your period." (06:50)

2. Getting Publicly Booted: Tales of Removal & Embarrassment

Timestamps: 14:11 – 26:25
Inspired by Patti LuPone’s on-stage rant at an audience member for taking photos (15:12), the team asks listeners if they've ever been escorted out of a public event. The calls pour in with hilarious and humiliating stories.

• Broadway Outburst:

  • Audio of Patti LuPone: "Get them out. I won't continue with this taking pictures...You heard the announcement at intermission. Who do you think you are?" (15:12)
  • Jen reflects: “She was furious.” (15:14)

• Listener Call-Ins:

  • Comedy Club Drunk Minimum: "They put the spotlight on us...They made jokes about the people that didn't want to pay for their drinks and literally escorted me, my friend, my mom and her best friend..." (18:20)
  • Disney World Secret Service Incident: "It's not like they just kind of like ask you to leave. Disney Secret Service shows up, like, literally in dark suits..." (23:46)
  • Phantom of the Opera Ushers: Guy drunkenly sings along, needs to be physically removed. (19:32)
  • Hot Dog Toss at Dodgers Game: "He decided to be brilliant idea to throw a hot dog over the other team's bullpen...within about a minute, he was escorted out." (20:47)
  • All-You-Can-Eat Sushi Kick-Out: "They stopped serving us...At what point do they come up to you and they say, I'm sorry, that's too much." (25:51)

3. Relationship Drama: The Nontraditional Proposal

Timestamps: 28:01 – 40:54
An extended check-in with Kimberly, who wanted to propose to her boyfriend despite his stated disinterest in marriage.

• Backstory: Kimberly planned a Christmas morning proposal, which her boyfriend's dad accidentally spoiled. She continues, determined, to find "the right moment."
• Man-gagement Ring: "No, I got him a man gagement ring. Like an engagement ring for him. It's titanium...a very manly ring." (31:19)
• He Cuts Her Off: "He's like, if you're going to do what I think you're going to do, don't do it." (31:56)
• Debate on Boundaries:
  • Jen: "If this is your line in the sand, then you have to stick to it." (34:44)
  • Burt: "Are you ready to cut yourself loose and allow this guy to take off based on your timetable?" (37:12)
  • Kimberly: "I'm gonna give him like, another two years, and then I have to do what I have to do." (40:17)
  • The hosts gently challenge Kimberly’s expectations and push her toward self-honesty about what she really wants.

4. Ongoing Love Saga: The High School “One That Got Away”

Timestamps: 42:58 – 50:56
Craig, a musician, has spent 17 years heartbroken about his high school girlfriend, unable to find her on social media.

• The Setup: "For 17 years he's been thinking about the same girl...we gave all the information over to Blue Dog Investigations." (43:27)
• She’s Been Found: The show dramatically reveals they’ve found her and she’s willing to come on the air.
  • Craig's hope: "I just want to, you know, catch up and see where she's at. And if, you know, it may turn into something. I don't know." (44:40)
• Confession:
  • The hosts ask if he cheated: "I kissed another girl...my best friend's sister." (48:50)
• Closure or Reconnection? The emotional suspense builds—Craig will talk to her on-air tomorrow.

5. Sting Operation: Parents Spy on Teen Daughter

Timestamps: 51:05 – 58:28
A mother calls in, plotting a wild sting to catch her 16-year-old’s real “movie night” plans.

• Spy Tactics:
  • Jane: "We've got a full blown sting operation...he's going to let me know when they leave the house. We're gonna be sitting at the edge of the neighborhood...we have a whole map planned out." (51:26)
  • Host jokes: "You're setting up a perimeter...you need code names...the eagle is landing." (58:32)
• Teenage Note-Busting: She finds a handwritten note, starting the investigation.
• Community Vibes: Multiple parents call in (notably Tim, 56:19), warning about “Walmart baby” outcomes.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Male Anatomy:

  • Bert: "There are some times where you’re not even excited. It just sorta happens...there is zero, less than zero, we can do about it." (05:37)
  • Craig: "I think it's like a guy's period." (06:30)

• On Relationship Boundaries:

  • Jen: "If it's your standard that after two years you want to be married and he says he's not, then are you going to just give in? That's the decision you have to make." (34:44)
  • Kimberly: "I'm gonna give him like, another two years, and then I have to do what I have to do, you know? I mean, it can't just be all about, like, what he wants." (40:17)
  • Burt: "If you've been engaged for a long time and you feel like at this point it's time for you to cut your losses...then you should have a timetable in your mind." (38:56)

• On Public Ejection:

  • Patti LuPone (via audio): "Get them out. I won't continue with this taking pictures. Get them out. Three times you took a picture. You heard the announcement in the beginning." (15:12)
  • Kimberly (on Disney World): "Disney Secret Service shows up ... escorted us to the front gate and said, you are no longer allowed on Disney property for the next 72 hours." (23:46)

• On Parental Surveillance:

  • Jane: "We've got a big, big spotlight hunter spotlight that we're going to be using. And we're all going to be dressed in black with hats on." (53:01)
  • Jen: "I'm just remembering back in my teenage days when I used to say I was going to the movies and I didn't." (53:39)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Awkward Male Experiences: 01:02 – 12:34
• Patti LuPone Outburst/Getting Kicked Out: 14:11 – 26:25
• Kimberly’s Proposal Drama: 28:01 – 40:54
• Craig’s Lost Love Saga: 42:58 – 50:56
• Parent “Sting Operation”: 51:05 – 58:28

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

In classic Bert Show style, the tone remains light, irreverent, and open, with space for real talk and empathy. The episode is a blend of humor, confession, and community, with authentic audience participation. If you want relatable laughs, relationship reality checks, and a reminder that everybody occasionally gets embarrassed, this is an episode for you.

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Transcript

[Megan McCardell]

Has the news been getting you down? I'm Megan McCardell and I'm here to help. I'm the host of a news show from Washington Post Opinion called Reasonably Optimistic. And it's an antidote to the pessimism that's riddling America right now. Every Wednesday, I'm going to talk to people who see a path forward.

[Burt]

It does seem to me that there is some awakening of a desire to act together to solve problems where they are. You know, I am a believer in

[Howie Mandel]

America and it's worth fighting for.

[Megan McCardell]

Join me Wednesdays on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Howie Mandel]

Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my Howie do It Gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallow267's million dollars gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Neo right [e-mail] that's global gaming, everybody.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Games.

[Burt]

Listen, it's the Burt Show.

[Eileen]

I was part of a conversation this weekend and I need to get your take, Bert, on how you would react to this if this situation happened with you and Stacy.

[Burt]

I can tell you already.

[Eileen]

Yeah, flee.

[Kimberly]

Okay, just apologize.

[Burt]

I don't even know what the situation is. If it comes from fight or flip, let's flee.

[Eileen]

And this happened.

[Jim]

Run away.

[Jane]

Run away.

[Eileen]

I'm gonna use you and Stacy as the example in this because I wanted to hear your response on flee, how you would handle it. But this is a true story. This really happened to someone. And we'll get a ton of phone calls because I'm sure it's happened more than once in the world. But imagine you and Stacy are out one night in an event or a party or something like that. You're hanging out and all is good. And Stacy loves to dance. So she gets up and she dances with a guy who's not you.

[Burt]

I'm totally cool with that, by the way. I'm totally happy about that because I hate dancing.

[Craig]

Right?

[Eileen]

And during the course of the dance, it becomes very obvious that the guy is excited.

[Burt]

This is a slow dance. Or is this just the two of them just bumping and grinding? I didn't ask because that would change things. Well, first of all, she shouldn't be slow dancing with somebody else anyway, right?

[Eileen]

But even if they're close or whatever, there's a situation where the guy Becomes physically happy to be there with your wife.

[Burt]

Now, is Stacy backing it up? Like backing that ass up and know him and stuff?

[Eileen]

I would imagine so. Just knowing Stacy.

[Jim]

I wish the camera been.

[Jane]

Can we say.

[Jim]

Can we just say the fact that he was giving.

[Kimberly]

He was.

[Jim]

As if we didn't know what that meant.

[Kimberly]

He is bessing over.

[Eileen]

Just for the record, Bert just backed that ass up to the headphone. Jack.

[Jim]

Next time at Bitterball, since that's our next big party, will you please dance with me at Bitterball? And I want you to do that. Just trying to get all the facts straight.

[Burt]

So we're just trying to get all the facts straight.

[Jim]

Jim's like, shut the hell up.

[Eileen]

So that happens, right? And Stacy comes back and reports to you that that just happened.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Eileen]

Are you annoyed at the guy? Are you annoyed at Stacy like she should have left earlier, or do you just laugh it off? Laugh it off.

[Jen]

I'm just saying I want to talk about movies.

[Burt]

It depends what the circumstance is. I mean, a. If she's slow dancing with him, I'm annoyed at Stacey, because fast dancing with any dude in the bar, that's fine. But slow dancing, that's off limits.

[Eileen]

But you're right there. So whatever. The dancing taking place, you were obviously okay with.

[Burt]

Ok. He opens up with a chub about the whole thing.

[Eileen]

Sure.

[Jim]

That's what we're talking about.

[Eileen]

Jen.

[Kimberly]

Oh, whoa.

[Burt]

Let her show you the example.

[Jane]

Go ahead, show Jen the example.

[Burt]

You gave the chub example.

[Kimberly]

Jesus.

[Burt]

The short of it is that.

[Eileen]

Well, the long of it.

[Burt]

Actually, it depends who you're talking about. Um, guy would be dancing with Stacy, gets excited in places that he shouldn't be getting excited. Wouldn't have. I would not be mad at either one of them.

[Eileen]

It's a. What if she reported that she didn't walk away immediately?

[Burt]

I'd be upset at Stacey. Yeah, well, actually, I think I'd be upset at Stacy for reporting it back to me.

[Eileen]

Sure she is.

[Burt]

No good's gonna come out of that.

[Eileen]

So you just keep it to yourself.

[Kimberly]

I think.

[Burt]

Yeah. I mean, girlfriends, that's fine. I don't want to know about it, though. And I'm not offended by him because I think all guys know that sometimes that can happen. And you have.

[Jen]

No, that's a natural reaction.

[Eileen]

Because my first thought was, beat the ass of that guy. But then I thought, why?

[Craig]

I don't know.

[Eileen]

I don't know. Then I'm like, well, he can't help it. It's not like he did it on purpose.

[Jim]

Well, if he stayed and he tried to make a. You know, and he was making jokes and making her uncomfortable, then that's a reason to confront him. But, I mean, if it just. I mean, if it just happened, if it just, you know, came to say hello, then he just.

[Eileen]

Can we just take a moment and acknowledge the airtime that clothed male genitalia touching clothed female genitalia has taken on the show over the past week? With Dance in the Junk Press?

[Burt]

I don't want to stop it here, too, because I want to continue this, but I want to get into the Academy Awards here in a minute. Also, I want to prove a point to women. If you're a guy, I want to put you on the voice disguiser for this and tell us the most inopportune time that that happened. And the point I'm trying to make here is there are some times where you're not even excited. It just sorta happens. And I have been in a situation before where that happened, and it got me in a huge fight with my girlfriend because it was a. It was one of the most inappropriate times ever. She had just gotten off the phone with her mom. She was crying, and I was consoling her.

[Eileen]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Burt]

And as I had my arms around her, I wasn't even. I didn't think I was, like, getting all excited about it, but as she's crying and she's spilling her guts to me, she noticed it, and it became a big fight. I'm like, there's nothing sexual going on here. There's nothing I can do about it. But I think women need to hear from other guys that this will just happen, and it happens in the most inopportune times, and there is zero, less than zero, we can do about it.

[Jim]

And I just want to say these are adult male stories, because I think girls know that they've seen the classmates that came to school with their shirts tucked in, and then by the end of the day, the shirts were tucked out so they know what that means. But I think that as an adult male, to still happen may be something that is educational for women.

[Burt]

Yes. And again, we cannot help it. Right, Brad?

[Craig]

Right.

[Burt]

Do you want to be on the voice disguise or not?

[Craig]

No, I'm good.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Craig]

I think it's like a guy's period.

[Eileen]

It just.

[Craig]

I explained it to my wife the other day. It just automatically just pops up. It don't. You don't have to look at nothing or nothing at all, and you can't stand it. Sometimes it'll be there for 30 minutes, 20 minutes, it just ends up charge. It absolutely gets on your nerves.

[Eileen]

Sometimes it's just like menstruation, except it only lasts 15 minutes. There's no cramps, there's no discomfort, and it doesn't alter your mood, but other than that, just like being on your period.

[Craig]

Yeah, but mine happens. You're in church. In church. I was in front of everybody.

[Burt]

Do explain. What do you mean?

[Craig]

Do what now?

[Burt]

You said you were in church in front of everybody.

[Craig]

Yeah, I was up there on the altar talking, Talking to the crowd. Well, nobody, nobody noticed it, but I did.

[Jim]

So when it was about to happen, did you go, oh, no, oh no.

[Craig]

Oh, yeah.

[Kimberly]

Oh no, oh, no, oh, no.

[Burt]

I can imagine if you're taking something like a Cialis, which I think only. I think it works for like 36 hours or something like that. And the difference between Viagra and Cialis, I'm sorry, I know too much about this, is that once you take a Viagra, boom, you're ready to go. With Cialis, it's there when you need it. So you can be having a casual conversation, Officer, whatever. Right? But as soon as it's time to perform, it happens. So I imagine if you're like on a Cialis or something like that, I mean, for 36 hours, you're a little paranoid. It can happen anytime, anywhere. Hey, David. Good morning.

[Kimberly]

Hey, guys.

[Burt]

Hey. Go ahead.

[Kimberly]

Oh, hey.

[Craig]

I think my most embarrassing one was my in laws were spending the night. And we all know that the morning feeling. And we're just hanging out and got the gym shorts on. That's never good.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Oh, no.

[Jen]

Oh, no.

[Eileen]

Now, what did your mother in law look like?

[Craig]

I gotta be honest, she's pretty hot, but.

[Burt]

She's hot.

[Craig]

It was in the morning, so that was my excuse.

[Burt]

Now, where were you when they saw this?

[Craig]

No, I was at the house and they were out. I got out of my bedroom, they were sitting on the couch watching tv, and I walk out. I was like, hey, good morning.

[Burt]

And there it was.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Kimberly]

No.

[Burt]

Oh, this one's classic. Hey, Jody. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Kimberly]

Hey, it happened during our wedding photos. Oh, no.

[Jane]

Is it in the pictures?

[Kimberly]

Yes.

[Jen]

Oh.

[Jim]

Oh, that's great. Please send us a copy, like just so you can black out the faces.

[Kimberly]

No, I mean, we're just sitting there. We were kind of like, you know, he made us like pose hugging each other and he's like, go back up, don't back up.

[Burt]

Oh, really?

[Kimberly]

Help me.

[Eileen]

That's awesome. You know, that's a Testament to you.

[Kimberly]

Totally.

[Burt]

James. Good morning.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Hi. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

All right, great. I haven't met you at a funeral.

[Burt]

Funeral, yeah.

[Craig]

Old girlfriend.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

And we were going through the line and just popped up.

[Eileen]

Oh, that is all sorts of creepy.

[Burt]

Yeah. You must have scared the hell out of yourself.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Thank you.

[Burt]

Thank you. He's like, I'm gonna stick a move on that one.

[Jim]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Good morning. Damon will call you. You're on the voice disguiser. Okay, go ahead.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Mine happened at my children's preschool graduation.

[Jane]

Some things are better left unsaid.

[Burt]

You need to be on the double voices, guys.

[Jen]

Yes.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

The director of the school had on a very low cut dress. Which parents to confront her about later. But I had to excuse myself.

[Jen]

Oh, no.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Oh, no, no, no. I have a jacket. I had to excuse myself. What's the delicate way to put this?

[Eileen]

No, you didn't.

[Jen]

Take care of yourself.

[Eileen]

No, you didn't.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

No, I did not. Listen, Secure it to myself.

[Eileen]

Oh, you had to tie it down.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Tie it up and drop my shirt down.

[Burt]

Oh, so you took the belt to secure it closer to his stomach.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Yeah.

[Burt]

And then put the shirt over the whole deal.

[Jim]

All right, MacGyver, good job.

[Kimberly]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Eileen]

Lord have mercy.

[Burt]

Jake. Good morning.

[Craig]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Hi.

[Kimberly]

Hi.

[Craig]

Well, I'm at the movies, watching an action movie, and you know when you're kind of falling asleep and you're kind of fighting it, and then, you know, he kind of. He reacts.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Kimberly]

Well, you know, it kind of.

[Craig]

The movie's over, you know, I got

[Kimberly]

to kind of reach down and act

[Craig]

like I'm scratching my stomach to flip it up under the belt.

[Jen]

Oops.

[Burt]

Were you with a whole bunch of your guy friends?

[Craig]

Yes, I was.

[Burt]

Action movie with your guy friends.

[Eileen]

Please take line one.

[Burt]

Oh, yeah. Good morning, Ray. You were on Q100. Hi.

[Craig]

Hey, how's it going there, y'? All? A while back, I was up at Home Depot helping this older lady get something from a. Get something from a shelf and got on the ladder and got whatever she needed. And on the way down, I didn't realize where she was. And when I turned to step off the ladder, my junk kind of landed on her shoulder. And she looked back at me like straight porno style. And then it was just ridiculous. And it was a great. It was an awkward, awkward pause.

[Burt]

Gee, you think?

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Really?

[Kimberly]

How old was she?

[Craig]

She had to been like 70.

[Jim]

Oh, she loved it.

[Burt]

She was loving it.

[Eileen]

She told all her friends during bunker she loved it.

[Jim]

She wasn't offended, honey. She was like well, thank God. Still got it.

[Burt]

Point I'm telling is it can happen to guys anywhere. So don' get upset with your guys when it just happens in the most inappropriate time.

[Jim]

That's funny.

[Burt]

Listen, it's the Vert show.

[Megan McCardell]

Has the news been getting you down? I'm Megan McCardell and I'm here to help. I'm the host of a new show from Washington Post Opinion called Reasonably Optimistic and it's an antidote to the pessimism that's riddling America right now. Every Wednesday, I'm going to talk to people who see a path forward.

[Burt]

It does seem to me that there is some awakening of a desire to act together to solve problems where they are. You know, I am a believer in America and that's worth fighting for.

[Megan McCardell]

Join me Wednesdays on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Howie Mandel]

Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my Howie do it. Gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallow $267 million gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travie McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Neo right [e-mail] that's globalgamingleague.com everybody games.

[Megan McCardell]

Has the news been getting you down? I'm Megan McCardell and I'm here to help. I'm the host of a new show from Washington Post Opinion called Reasonably Optimistic and it's an antidote to the pessimism that's riddling America right now. Every Wednesday, I'm gonna talk to people who see a path forward.

[Burt]

It does seem to me that there is some awakening of a desire to act together to solve problems where they are. You know, I am a believer in America and it's worth fighting for.

[Megan McCardell]

Join me Wednesdays on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Burt]

Jen brought up a really pretty interesting piece of audio from this weekend.

[Jen]

Yeah, it was a Broadway actress during her show called Gypsy. Her name is Patti lupone and she just got so upset in the middle of her performance, she starts screaming at an audience member for taking pictures. That's her singing.

[Jane]

Click, click. I'm taking pictures. Click, click.

[Kimberly]

You are. How dare you? Who do you think you are? Get them out. I won't continue with this taking pictures. Get them out. Three times. Three times you took a picture. You heard the announcement. In the beginning. You heard the announcement and intermission who do you think you are?

[Jen]

She was furious.

[Burt]

That's getting chewed out there.

[Jen]

Railed.

[Burt]

Just chewed out.

[Jen]

We were thinking whether the spotlight guy followed or not, that person that had to stand up and walk out must have been just humiliating.

[Eileen]

They sure swung the lights.

[Jen]

I bet they might have, because that would tick off a theater person.

[Burt]

All of a sudden, Those lights are 320 degrees.

[Eileen]

Yeah.

[Burt]

And it's like, here's what I want to ask. Is there anybody listening right now? Where this is. This has been you. You had to be escorted out in front of everybody in the audience for whatever reason. Now, in this case, it's like it's a camera. And you were warned and they stopped. They stopped the show, man in midline. She stops the show. And the spotlight, like you says go like you say goes on this audience member and they're escorted out. But this could take a whole bunch of different forms. You're at an improv club. Maybe you're at the same table where somebody's trying to heckle the comedian and they get escorted out and you have to go with them.

[Jen]

Maybe you're John Rocker at the W Bottle.

[Burt]

There you go. On Saturday night.

[Eileen]

I don't even think it has to be a big public event, ticketed event like that too. Because Jessica has a bizarre fear that she's going to pass out at a wedding or feel like she's gonna pass out and have to get up and run out during the wedding vows. Like a bizarre.

[Burt]

I want to know the people that have been escorted out. Everything stopped. Security had to come and they had to literally take you by the shoulder or whatever and escort you out in front of a dozen, a hundred, a thousand people, twelve thousand if you're at a Hawks game. Whatever.

[Eileen]

My thought was, if you're in the wedding party and you have that problem, they have to be walked out. They have to stop the wedding ceremony to remove you.

[Burt]

But that's different because, like, I mean, this is. You've done something so wrong to where you have to be supported out who got in trouble.

[Jen]

You're in violation of some rule, something.

[Burt]

It could be you were at a Braves game and you reached over to get a foul ball.

[Jen]

Oh, yeah.

[Burt]

They kick you out. You have to leave the stadium. Security comes down and you and your family are booted out of the stadium.

[Jen]

I guess it could also be for, like, text messaging in the middle of a movie because they ask you to turn off your cell phones and not text or whatever.

[Burt]

They have spies in there now that are supposed to be looking so if you answer your phone or something, they have to, whatever, turn off the projector. Or they just know when security comes and gets you and escorts you out.

[Jen]

Oh, so embarrassing.

[Burt]

That is the walk of shame right there. 404-741-Q100. Good morning, Burt Show.

[Kimberly]

Hi. Good morning. How you guys doing this morning?

[Burt]

Good. How are you?

[Kimberly]

I'm good. This happened to me in Florida. We went to a comedy club, and we had scored free tickets from somewhere else, and it was like nine of us. We all went and we got in. We stood in line like an hour long, got our table, Everything was great. The show started. And then the waitress comes around and she's like, oh, you know, you have to buy a drink. And we're like, well, we don't drink. And like, well, there's a $20 drink minimum. And I go, well, neither. None of us drink.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

We don't.

[Kimberly]

We don't drink alcohol. And we're not buying drinks. And they're like, well, you have to buy something. And I'm like, well, we don't want to buy anything. We're not hungry. Wait, before we came, none of us drink alcohol. So, you know, I'll buy a Coke. And they're like, well, the Coke is only like five bucks, so you guys have to leave. And we're like, not leaving. We really did refuse to leave because we thought it was a ridiculous rule. And basically, the show did stop, and they put the spotlight on us. They made jokes about the people that didn't want to pay for their drinks and literally escorted me, my friend, my mom and her best friend, about 4 security had to escort us out because we were like, we're not leaving. We don't want to pay 25 or 50 bucks for drinks. And it was the most embarrassing thing. We were in the club for maybe no longer than an hour, and we had to leave. And it was just very embarrassing to

[Burt]

have them stop the entire show. And security has to escort you and your mom out.

[Jane]

And that's almost worse because you have comedians on the stage, so they're making fun of you as you're walking out. They're heckling.

[Eileen]

Anyway, throwing out of a comedy club is never going to go well.

[Burt]

404, 741Q100. Hey, Kayla.

[Kimberly]

Hey. Okay, so my friend is an usher for Phantom of the Opera, and he came home and he told us one night how he had to escort this one person out because they were singing with the show,

[Eileen]

and Phantom had those

[Kimberly]

high notes, and it was a guy trying to sing. It so it was just horrible. And he wouldn't go. So, like, they had to physically pick him up, take him out of the show. Of course he was drunk. Because you don't sing Phantom sober unless

[Eileen]

you're getting paid to do it on stage in front of people.

[Burt]

You don't even get bragging rights for that. You can't even say I got kicked out of Phantom tonight, man. I was totally hammered, dude.

[Eileen]

I didn't get walked out in front of you. Security walked with me out of the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican.

[Jen]

Is that when you're almost.

[Burt]

Yep.

[Eileen]

You're not allowed to take pictures inside the Sistine Chapel.

[Jen]

Oh, I thought that was when you almost passed out.

[Burt]

Hey, Krista.

[Eileen]

Walking up in the thing.

[Burt]

Hey, Krista.

[Kimberly]

Hey.

[Craig]

Hey.

[Kimberly]

Yeah. The 96 Olympics, when they came to Atlanta, me and my friends thought it would be really funny when they did at Centennial. They, you know, had this huge waterwork display. Well, we decided to run out in the middle of it, the show. The police came out and escorted us at a Centennial.

[Burt]

So they literally stopped the show for you?

[Kimberly]

Yes, and it was really bad. I was embarrassed.

[Jen]

Humiliating.

[Burt]

Hey, Caroline, you're on Q100.

[Kimberly]

Hey, guys. My boyfriend and I were at a Dodgers game in the all you can eat section. All you can eat and drink like they have at the Braves games now. And after several drinks and someone asking how great the seats were over there and asking if he could throw him a hot dog, he decided to be brilliant idea to throw a hot dog over the other team's bullpen to some guy in another section. So within about a minute, he was escorted out and everyone in the section thoroughly booed the security guards. But yeah.

[Jim]

So if I saw a flying hot

[Jane]

dog, I would just laugh.

[Kimberly]

Just laugh.

[Jen]

So embarrassing, though.

[Kimberly]

Why don't you get.

[Burt]

If you're with the guy, the guy that throws it. Embarrassing, but he deserves to get thrown out. But you have to go with him.

[Eileen]

I witnessed enough in my years working at Turner Field and seeing a lot of people get thrown out for, you know, late. After a late inning, day of consumption. And they're guys. I've seen guys and girls abandon the person they're with. Because if you, like, if by, you know, you know, you're going down that road by the fourth inning of a baseball game, right?

[Burt]

Like, you know, you're getting your lips getting all numb.

[Eileen]

And if. And if you're with that person, you probably say, hey, you know what? Let's. No more beers. We're cool. No more drinks. We have one more and you know it's coming, then they do something foolish and get thrown out. You're like, look, I'm sitting right. No way. I'm sitting right behind the dugout watching this game. These are expensive tickets. I got a couple hot dogs invested in this.

[Burt]

Bye.

[Eileen]

Bye.

[Burt]

That's it.

[Jen]

You're the hot dog launcher, not me, buddy.

[Burt]

Hey, Deb.

[Kimberly]

Hi.

[Burt]

Where'd you get booted?

[Kimberly]

I got booted out of a putt putt in Wilmington, North Carolina.

[Craig]

A what?

[Eileen]

A putt putt putt putt.

[Jen]

How'd you do that?

[Kimberly]

We were getting the balls out of the water that the people miss. And we were just goofing off, and the manager got really mad and had the police come. And of course we knew the police because it was a small town at the time. And they took our picture, and it's still up. And it's been 15 years and my picture is still up. I go home to visit my family. I cannot go to that putt putt.

[Jen]

I don't understand what the violation was.

[Kimberly]

We were in the water, and you're not allowed in the water and you're not allowed to splash around and be. We were being stupid, but we were sober. I mean, the guy said, oh, you're drunk. And we're like, no, we're sober. If we were drunk, we wouldn't be playing putt putt right now.

[Burt]

That's a really good point. Hey, Lewis. Good morning. You're part of the bird show. Hi.

[Craig]

Hi, guys. A bunch of friends of mine, four of us, we went down to Disney World for like a four day weekend. And this is back when we were in college and one of my friends had too much to drink at episode, which is the only place you can drink on Disney property. And we took the monorail over to Disney World, and we got kicked out of Disney World. And it's not like they just kind of like ask you to leave. Like, the Disney Secret Service shows up, like, literally in like, dark suits and sunglasses and earpieces, escorted us to the front gate and said, you are no longer allowed on Disney property for the next 72 hours. And the bad part was, is we were staying in a Disney hotel, and they made us change our reservations.

[Burt]

Oh, really? They kicked you out of the whole thing? The park, the hotel, the whole thing.

[Craig]

And I had friends at the park that work there, and they actually knew the guys that did it. And they were like, yeah, we could have filed charges because one of the guys that was with us was just saying some horrible things to other Guests while drunk. He was pretty belligerent.

[Kimberly]

Hey, Palace.

[Craig]

It got heated with him and an older woman who was like, the mom of this kid that he was yelling at. So it was bizarre. It was just surreal.

[Burt]

And the thing is with Disney also is they've got their hands in everything, that if they tell you to stay out for 72 hours, you sort of get the feeling that even among 100,000 people that might be in the park, if you show up, that you'll get nailed.

[Jen]

Oh, they'll know, definitely. Yeah, they know everything. They've got, like, an extra Disney eyeball.

[Eileen]

And if they tell you you actually have to leave the state of Florida, get off Disney property, and you have to go just to that town that's just south of Noonan.

[Burt]

Hey, Amanda, go ahead. You're on Q100.

[Craig]

Okay.

[Kimberly]

This is so funny that you guys are talking about this. Last weekend, me and a bunch of friends from work, we decided to go to Pink Pony over there on North Cru Hills, and I took a picture of my girlfriend sitting in this guy's lap, and they shut down Pink Pony and kicked us out.

[Burt]

They literally stopped the music. They stopped the music. Girls started or stopped dancing.

[Kimberly]

They didn't even just, like, shut it down. I had these strippers screaming at me on the stage telling me this, that you can't take pictures, yada, yada. It was like this innocent picture.

[Jen]

Have you ever been to a strip club before? Was that your first time?

[Craig]

Oh, no, we go all the time.

[Burt]

You knew you're a veteran. You should know better than that.

[Kimberly]

Well, I mean, this is like 15 Jaeger bombs later. You know what I mean? And it was just a, like, quick snapshot. And, like, the guy gets on a loudspeaker. No. Taking pictures at the Pink Pony. And I was mortified.

[Jen]

Oh, I would have thrown you out, too, though.

[Eileen]

She has the voice. She, by the way, has the voice of a woman who goes to a strip club every weekend.

[Burt]

I think the same thing. Eileen will be the last call. What's going on, Eileen?

[Kimberly]

Hey. When I was in college, my college boyfriend came home with me, and we went out to an all you can eat sushi place, and they kicked us out because he ate too much.

[Jane]

What?

[Eileen]

You can't do that.

[Burt]

You can't do that. At what point do they come up to you and they say, I'm sorry, that's. That's too much.

[Kimberly]

We were there for about three hours, and there he stopped. My friend stopped, and he was going strong, and they stopped serving us. And that says Please, I would have sued.

[Eileen]

That would have been a great lawsuit.

[Burt]

That's the kind of thing that if you're gonna go out, go out in handcuffs if you're gonna take me.

[Kimberly]

Yes, yes.

[Jen]

I'm sorry. You've eaten too much.

[Burt]

This is the bird.

[Megan McCardell]

Has the news been getting you down? I'm Megan McCardell and I'm here to help. I'm the host of a new show from Washington Post Opinion called Reasonably Optimistic and it's an antidote to the pessimism that's riddling America right now. Every Wednesday, I'm going to talk to people who see a path forward.

[Burt]

It does seem to me that there is some awakening of a desire to act together to solve problems where they are. You know, I am a believer in

[Howie Mandel]

America and it's worth fighting for.

[Megan McCardell]

Join me Wednesdays on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Howie Mandel]

Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my how we do it gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallow267's million dollars gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travie McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Neo right [e-mail] that's globalgamingleague.com everybody games.

[Megan McCardell]

Has the news been getting you down? I'm Megan McCardell and I'm here to help. I'm the host of a new show from Washington Post opinion called Reasonably Optimistic and it's an antidote to the pessimism that's riddling America right now. Every Wednesday I'm going to talk to people who see a path forward.

[Burt]

It does seem to me that there is some awakening of a desire to act together to solve problems where they are. You know, I am a believer in America and that's worth fighting for.

[Megan McCardell]

Join me Wednesdays on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Craig]

Previously on the Burch Show.

[Burt]

She's taking matters into her own hands.

[Kimberly]

It's interesting because he had said before that he wasn't the marrying type and, you know, if you're together, you're together. But I really feel with 100% certainty that he's gonna say yes. He's the love of my life and he's terrific. I'm really excited.

[Burt]

And you're that sure he's gonna say yes? You're that sure he's gonna be as excited as you Are.

[Kimberly]

I am positive that was us talking

[Burt]

to Kimberly right before Christmas. She was gonna propose to him on Christmas morning in front of his entire family. Well, he found out about it, and he put a stop to that, if you remember this.

[Kimberly]

And he said, don't be mad, but my dad told me what you were planning.

[Jim]

Oh, no.

[Kimberly]

Sold you out. He said, you know, Kim, I love you. I want to be with you. He's like, but this isn't the time or the place to do this. But he did say, I'm not saying that it can't happen. He's just saying, not right now. You know, I was kind of figuring, okay, well, maybe he's going to ask me. I thought, okay, maybe, you know, New Year's Eve, he's going to ask me. He didn't ask, but his birthday is coming up. If nothing happens before his birthday, I'm gonna present it to him on his birthday. Oh, no, no.

[Jen]

You guys are funny.

[Burt]

Put it off, man. Don't do it.

[Eileen]

And this is you getting caught up on it, too, right, Jen?

[Jen]

Yeah, I was just listening to those clips. I hadn't heard those before. Cause I was out sick before the holidays. And then I was in Los Angeles when you guys followed up with her. So this'll be my first time actually talking to her.

[Eileen]

Well, now you know what crazy sounds like

[Jen]

I was overly eager to go down the aisle is what I would say.

[Burt]

And she was at this place that you used to tell us you were at, where, like, around every corner, you thought there was a proposal. So, yeah, there was an excitement, then a disappointment.

[Jen]

Yeah. I think when you've been with somebody a really long time, you start to expect that a lot more often than you do in the beginning stages. And. I don't know. How long have they been together?

[Burt]

I can't remember. Kimberly, how long have you guys been together?

[Kimberly]

A little over two years.

[Burt]

Two years.

[Jen]

Maybe a little premature on the eagerness.

[Jane]

Well, this guy never wanted to get married in the first place.

[Eileen]

And he declared. He said, I don't want. I'm not the marrying type. I don't want that.

[Burt]

He told her straight up, that's just not for me.

[Eileen]

But she knows different.

[Burt]

But that was before she came along, so feels like it's different.

[Eileen]

I can change him.

[Burt]

So she was gonna wait until his birthday, which was supposed to be this weekend here. So what was your course of action going into the weekend, Kimberly?

[Kimberly]

Well, I mean, he knew that I. That I had made plans, you know, for his birthday. I made his favorite dinner. And, you know, we decided that we were just gonna. Just gonna stay in. Like, both of us have had, you know, pretty long work weeks, and so I, you know, I. When we woke up on Sunday, like, I. All day long, like, everything was just beautiful. I mean, like, we had a really nice brunch and did a little shopping, and then we came back and I made a really nice dinner for him, and, you know, we had a little bit of wine. And afterward, we went into the living room and we were just, you know, we're thinking about watching a movie. You know, he's like, oh, let's watch a movie. And I said, oh, you know, I'd rather spend some time with you. And I went. I went to go where I was hiding my man engagement ring in the audio cabinet.

[Jen]

Your engagement ring?

[Kimberly]

No, I got him a man gagement ring. Like an engagement ring for him.

[Jen]

Yeah, that makes sense. If you're the one proposing.

[Eileen]

Sure. That's getting emasculating.

[Kimberly]

It's really nice, though. I mean, it's beautiful. It's titanium. It's a gorgeous ring. Like, it's a very manly ring.

[Eileen]

And does that go on his finger or does it go tightly around his testicles?

[Burt]

He has no testicles left.

[Kimberly]

No, it goes on his finger. And so he saw me going in the cabinet, and I turned around, and he's like, stop. He's like, if you are going to do what I think you're going to do, he's like, don't do it.

[Burt]

Really?

[Kimberly]

And I was like, you have no idea what I'm going to do. And he's like, I think. Think I have a pretty good idea. He's like, I love you, Kim. I want to be with you. He's like, but don't do this. And I immediately felt. I mean, he knew what I was going to do, but he chopped me off right at the knees. He's like, just don't even ask. Don't even bring it up. And I didn't want to. I didn't want to argue with him about it, but I really wanted to know. You know, I said, you right around Christmas, when I asked him, when I was going to ask him before, he said, it's not like I don't ever want to get married. I just can't think about it right now. And so I asked him. I said, well, when I was going to ask you on Christmas that morning when we were talking, you know, you said that you were in love with me, and I was, you know, never like any other girl that you dated. And you Saw your future with me. You know, were you just, you know, yankee my chain, as my grandpa says, or are you telling the truth? And he said, you know, I want to be with you again. He's like, I'm not saying never, which. Which is a little in. Because he used to say never. You know, he's like, I'm not ready to get married right now.

[Eileen]

That's the equivalent of the I don't love you that way. But you do love me. Like, you took.

[Kimberly]

I don't know about that, because why not just break up with me? I mean, if he wants to be single, which I don't. Which he doesn't. Because, like I said, everything in our relationship has been. I've waited basically for every move from him. Like, he told me, I love you first. He's the one who said that he wanted to move in. You know, like, I let him set the pace. But when it came around to actually getting married, because of what he'd said before, I thought, you know, I take that chance. And it's not that I want to change him. I don't want to change him.

[Eileen]

I want you to.

[Kimberly]

Before. I want to be very clear. I don't want just a wedding. A lot of women just want this huge wedding. I don't want that. I just want to be married to him, you know, if we're gonna have kids.

[Burt]

But the relationship is sort of going that way naturally. Why do you keep pushing it? You just said, he's the one that said, I love you. He's the one that moved in with you. So he's showing you how much he loves you, and he's showing you that he can commit. So why are you pushing it so much? Why can't you let it happen naturally?

[Kimberly]

Well, I don't want to. I hate to use that word, push, because it makes it sound like, you know, like I'm pushing. No, like intentionally trying to, you know, manipulate him into something. And I'm. And I'm not. I just. I guess I just want to know, you know, I mean, it's really vague. It's to say, oh, I'm not ready now, but maybe in a couple of years. Maybe in a couple of years. I mean, so.

[Jen]

Okay, well, if it's your standard that after two years you want to be married and he says he's not, then are you going to just give in? That's the decision that you have to make. If he's not ready to get married, he's setting his boundaries with you, and you have to. Then Set your boundaries with him. And if it doesn't live up to your expectations, then you've either got to change what your expectations are, hopefully without losing a little bit of yourself in the meantime, but you've also gotta realize, like, if. If this is your line in the sand, then you have to stick to it.

[Burt]

Are you prepared to lose if you

[Jen]

feel like you've been bullied, like, if you've been pushed by. It's only been about his pace or his demands. You'll always resent him for that.

[Kimberly]

Well, I don't feel like. I mean, I don't. I want to really be clear. Like, he's not. I don't feel like I. Like I have to get married to him right now. Like, I'm not saying that was part of the. Well, I didn't even bring it up, but I was thinking in my head, even if I. Even if we're engaged for, like, three years, it's still another level of commitment that I know something's gonna happen.

[Burt]

Hence the promise ring. This is a great example of why

[Kimberly]

guys give the promise ring, you know, And I'd be happy with that. We haven't talked about it since then, but it's really just. It's not that I want to be married, like, right now. I have to get married right now. I just. I want that next level, you know,

[Jen]

and it doesn't get tired of being called a girlfriend.

[Kimberly]

Exactly.

[Eileen]

Well, what are you. What are you what? A promise friend. Like, if you just get the promise ring, then what are you.

[Kimberly]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Jen]

You could be fiance.

[Eileen]

And once you're out of middle school, then what does that call a promise

[Burt]

ring is not an engagement. So you're not a fiance at that point?

[Kimberly]

Well, you know, it's interesting because my sister, before, she got an engagement ring because her. Her now husband at the time, he didn't have any money, and he's like, I want to buy you a nice ring, but I can't. This is a promise to let you know that, you know, when. When things are bad for me financially, I will ask you to marry me. And it was beautiful.

[Eileen]

So what? But what did she. Bert's point is, you just said you want to be. Go to the next level. You don't just want to be a girlfriend. But if you're not wearing an official engagement ring, then how do you introduce yourself?

[Kimberly]

You know, it doesn't. That's. That's my point. I don't really care, like, so much what other people think. Like, honestly, I'll Tell you the truth. Like, there are people at my work who think that we're already engaged, and they call him my fiance. And I don't correct them, you know, because I know that we're together. I mean, I don't wear an engagement ring, but they say, oh, your fiance, you know, and it's because everybody knows us together, Kimberly.

[Burt]

I mean, I think Jan probably broke it down with common sense to you. Here's the deal. You have a timetable in your mind, okay? That's exhibit A. Exhibit B is you have a guy that loves you and is showing you that and has given you everything you want, except he's not on the same timetable as you are. So here's common sense. Are you ready to cut yourself loose and allow this guy to take off based on your timetable? Are you sacrificing too much of yourself right now?

[Kimberly]

I would say, like, as of today, I would say no. But if it's within two years, I would say absolutely.

[Burt]

Well, yeah. I mean, that's a world of difference, though. So why push it, really, though?

[Kimberly]

Because that was. Like I said, I didn't mention it because I didn't want to press the issue, but I've known couples who've been engaged for, like, five years.

[Burt]

But you just said, listen, listen, listen. Take the emotion out of it. You just said, in two years, you'll really feel like you're being taken advantage of. You're not there right now, so stop proposing to him.

[Kimberly]

Well, I.

[Eileen]

Stop proposing to him.

[Jen]

I think that she's not being completely honest when she says it's two years. I think she wants it now or maybe within a year from now to be married to him. And there's nothing wrong with that, but he's not on the same page. So you just have to realize, are you going to sacrifice yourself too much if you wait around, or are you okay to wait around?

[Kimberly]

Like I said, I mean, I think my. My limit would be two years.

[Burt]

That's going to be two weeks.

[Kimberly]

Okay, If. If we're engaged by, you know, by the time I'm 28, do you see

[Jen]

this calendar that's always going on in women's minds, right?

[Burt]

Like, and in some. Some cases, I said, I agree with it. Like, I mean, if you've been engaged for a long time and you feel like at this point it's time for you to cut your losses because you're really not sure if he's going to propose or not, then I do think that you should have a timetable in your mind. But if he's not anywhere near that yet. Then why are you even stressing yourself out about it?

[Kimberly]

Well, it's not so much that I'm stressing myself out as it is that I'm just hopeful. You know, when he said to me, he said it's not that I. And he has never, ever said anything before, which makes me think positive towards marriage, which makes me think that he. He is leaning towards me, like, wanting to do it sooner. Like I said, I mean, I'm not. I'm not the nagging girl, like, where's my ring? Where's my wing? Oh, bringing home bridal magazines.

[Eileen]

You're crazier than that because you're not bringing home bridal maids ring or magazines. You're bringing home rings to put on his finger.

[Burt]

Hey, Ronnie, go ahead. You're on Q100.

[Kimberly]

All right.

[Craig]

How you guys doing today?

[Burt]

Okay.

[Craig]

All right. My opinion is I think this girl is pushing it to the limit that this guy's just gonna leave.

[Burt]

Agreed.

[Craig]

Because, yeah. She sound desperate? I mean, she's not desperate. I know a couple of guys that need papers. You know, they'll marry her right away.

[Burt]

Kim, so what is your next course of action here? You gonna just. Now you sit back and you wait.

[Kimberly]

Yeah, I'm definitely. I'm not gonna ask him again. I mean, I'm gonna wait. I'm gonna give him like, another two years, and then I have to do what I have to do, you know? I mean, it can't just be all about, like, what he wants.

[Jen]

Yeah, I agree with that completely. I think you've got to come up with your, you know, what you have in your mind and go with that.

[Kimberly]

That's it.

[Burt]

But at this point, you've still got two years. You said until that happens.

[Jane]

She wants it sooner than two years.

[Jen]

Two years from now.

[Eileen]

Yeah. If you're pulling out a ring twice in a month.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Burt]

You're never gonna make it.

[Kimberly]

She wants it tomorrow. I'm not gonna ask him again.

[Eileen]

That'd be crazy.

[Burt]

Thanks for the update, Kim.

[Kimberly]

Oh, you're welcome.

[Burt]

Bye.

[Jane]

Bye.

[Burt]

This is the Birch show.

[Howie Mandel]

Hey, it's Howie Mandel. And I am inviting you to witness history as me and my Howie do it Gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallow $267 million gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Nioh right now at Global Gaming League. That's globalgamingleague.com everybody games every day brings its own season.

[Jane]

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[Burt]

previously

[Kimberly]

on the Bird Show.

[Craig]

I'm a musician. I've been in bands since I was 16. I had a high school sweetheart and we used to play Extreme all the time. My band played it with our song. Yeah, anytime that comes on, it just kills me. And we broke up when I was 17. I'm 34 now. I don't think a day has gone by where I haven't think about her. I'm still in love

[Kimberly]

a million times

[Craig]

on MySpace, Facebook and all that stuff. And I can't never, ever find her.

[Burt]

So that was Craig a couple of weeks ago, and we sort of accidentally fell into that conversation with him. Then he sent us an email saying that, yeah, for 17 years he's been thinking about the same girl for 17 years, just in a different place in his life. And I think he ended up dumping her, right? Yeah. And he moved on with his. Yeah, dumbest thing I ever did.

[Eileen]

Yeah, I dumped her. I'm a dumper.

[Burt]

17 years he's been thinking about her. So we sort of latched on to the story and we gave all the information over to Blue Dog Investigations. And between them and Tracy, we've been trying to track her down because he

[Jen]

had looked for her before on, like, MySpace and Facebook and stuff like that and just couldn't find her.

[Burt]

Craig, I'm here to tell you that we found her.

[Craig]

Yeah, I hear that.

[Burt]

And she's willing to come on with us tomorrow.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Wow.

[Eileen]

That'll make you crap yourself, won't it?

[Jen]

Are you prepared for the news either way? Like, if she's married or taken or what?

[Craig]

Yeah, I'm a big boy. I mean, I'm prepared for it either way, but, you know, I sure would like it to go in my favor now.

[Burt]

Now, when you say in my favor, what would that mean?

[Craig]

Available and maybe willing to, you know, meet or go out. Just see, you know, see where? I just want to, you know, catch up and see where she's at. And if, you know, it may turn into something. I don't know.

[Burt]

Now, this is going to be a little different than how we normally do the one that got away. Because normally the person that we call and find doesn't know who has been looking for them.

[Jane]

Right. But she was a little bit skeptical, so I did tell her exactly who was looking for her. She did ask me what to expect when she comes on the air tomorrow, and I didn't exactly tell her the whole truth. She does know. She heard. She wanted to hear Craig on the air, so I sent her. The very first time we talked to Craig, which was when he was talking about the song that he couldn't listen to. So she kind of has a general idea, but I don't think she knows that you still might want a chance with her.

[Craig]

Right.

[Jen]

Molly assumes that, though. Wouldn't you, like, if you got this phone call from a radio station, you know what I'm saying, and there was some guy looking for you, wouldn't you sort of automatically think there was a romantic interest involved?

[Jane]

Maybe. Except I just told her we just kind of want to know what she's up to.

[Jen]

Gotcha.

[Eileen]

Especially with the basis of this relationship being extreme more than words.

[Burt]

Why would you do that, Dylan?

[Eileen]

What?

[Burt]

Dagger in the Heart. Now, you did give us the 10 questions that you really would like answered from her tomorrow, right?

[Craig]

I did.

[Jane]

And I did tell her that you would have a list of 10 questions. I didn't exactly tell her what type

[Burt]

of 10 questions are these gonna. Will this be more comfortable for him to ask her the 10 or for us to ask the 10? I don't know, because didn't I see, like, one? Do you have any regrets in your life? Which would Seem odd coming from.

[Jane]

I mean, I think. I think based on the list of 10 questions that it's pretty obvious that he still has feelings for her. So, I mean, because usually when we do this, they're kind of generic enough questions to where it could be anybody from your past looking for you. And in Craig's initial email, didn't you even send me like a whole message you wanted passed on to her?

[Craig]

Yes, I did. I mean, I just, you know, I just wanted to, you know, wanted her to know that, you know, even though I just wanted her to know that I wasn't that same person that, you know, when we broke up. And so.

[Burt]

Well, let's do this. Let's go into it tomorrow with the 10 questions and then I think you could sort of improvise your way around those and tell her the things you want to tell her.

[Craig]

Right. And just to correct, she did break up with me, but it was my fault. The breakup was my fault.

[Burt]

Okay. And you were how old at the time?

[Craig]

I was 17.

[Burt]

17. So, I mean, you do a lot of stupid things at 17 years old.

[Craig]

Yeah, really stupid.

[Eileen]

Are you gonna work on like a poem or something? Or, like, are you gonna have anything prepared to share with her tomorrow? Are you just gonna try to wing it?

[Craig]

I'm just gonna wing it. I'm just gonna wing it.

[Burt]

I'm curious about the breakup part of the whole thing. Did you end up, like, messing around on one of. On her. With one of her 17 year old friends?

[Eileen]

Well, that's an affirmative.

[Jane]

Yes.

[Craig]

Yeah, I did something stupid. I did something stupid.

[Burt]

Screwed around with one of her friends.

[Craig]

Well, sister. Was one of her friends.

[Jane]

Sister, Sister.

[Craig]

No, no, no.

[Jane]

Oh, I thought you had some insight. Oh, no, I was like, just trying to guess.

[Craig]

Mom. Oh, God, no.

[Burt]

Brother, Cousin? I mean, obviously it was something so bad that you're thinking that even 17 years later, she might, say, still hold a grudge?

[Craig]

I don't know. I mean, I'm. I think may. I don't know, maybe I'm making a bigger deal about it than she is, but. Than she would. I don't know.

[Eileen]

Well, let us tell us today.

[Burt]

Yeah, let us be the judge of that. What is it?

[Craig]

I kissed another girl. And that was about it. But at the time, it was really devastating. And it was actually my best friend's sister.

[Burt]

Your best friend's sister? You kissed her? She's not gonna think that. 17 years.

[Eileen]

Did you confess? Did you confess to your girlfriend or did she find out somehow?

[Craig]

She found out somehow.

[Eileen]

Oh, boy.

[Burt]

Oh, yeah. You never Forget the first time you got cheated on.

[Eileen]

That's awesome.

[Craig]

You know, and it was. It was particularly bad because I was really her first boyfriend. I mean, she had. She had a. She was actually dating a friend of mine and they dated for a few weeks and broke up. But, you know, it was just. It wasn't, you know, I was her first long term, you know, boyfriend.

[Burt]

What is defined as long term at 17 years old?

[Craig]

I think we dated for probably a year and a half.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Jen]

That is pretty long term for being that young in high school. And then do you have a current picture of yourself that you'd be willing to send to her?

[Craig]

Sure.

[Jen]

Because if anybody from my high school years reached out to me, I would want to know how they aged.

[Burt]

Yeah, I'd say clothed.

[Kimberly]

You know what I'm saying?

[Jen]

Yes. Like in my mind, I don't know. In my mind you've probably put on 30 pounds and.

[Burt]

And you're bald.

[Jen]

You might not have hair.

[Eileen]

Yeah, that's what Facebook is for.

[Craig]

I don't think I changed that much, actually.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Burt]

Yeah. None of us to.

[Jen]

Which is. Yeah, yeah.

[Eileen]

Just for the record, I don't think I've changed that much either until I try to put on my graduation gown.

[Burt]

All right, Craig, So tomorrow morning, right around this time, about 8:45, we will get her on. We'll have the 10 questions that you want answered and then we'll improvise our way around those also and we'll find out what happens tomorrow.

[Craig]

Okay. I appreciate it, Britcho.

[Burt]

Sure. But one way or another, you'll know. I mean, what's going on in her life. And if there's a shot, there's some closure.

[Jen]

Yeah, some closure. Maybe have some peace with it and be able to either bring her back into your life or let her go.

[Craig]

Right. If not, I'll just have to fight stiffly for Jim.

[Burt]

There you go. It's the Birch show here. Birch show.

[Eileen]

Jane just called in out of nowhere and is setting up a sting operation on her 16 year old daughter.

[Burt]

Oh, wow.

[Jim]

Today?

[Eileen]

I don't know.

[Kimberly]

Hi, Jane.

[Eileen]

Welcome to the show.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Thanks. Love you guys.

[Eileen]

Awesome. Well, thank you. It looks like we love you too.

[Jim]

I'm impressed with the sting operation.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

I have big plans for the weekend.

[Jim]

What's going on?

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Well, my daughter's been dating a guy for about a year and about six months ago he got his license. So this weekend is the first time that he is. His parents are allowing him to drive to our house to pick up my daughter to take her on the date.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

So they have told us that they're going to be going to the movies. Well, no problem. But Tuesday, I found a note in her binder written to him that said, can't wait for the movies this weekend. Not can't wait for what we're really doing.

[Eileen]

No way.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

He has no idea that I found the note. I have gotten in touch with several of my girlfriends and we have got a full blown sting operation.

[Jen]

What's the plans?

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Yeah, well, my husband's been on it, too, so he's going to. I'm gonna tell them I'm going out with my girlfriend. He's going to let me know when they leave the house. We're gonna be sitting at the edge of the neighborhood. We've got a whole map planned out where my two girlfriends are gonna be sitting in case, whichever way that they go, we're going to follow them and bust them right in the middle of what they're doing.

[Jim]

I would so go with one of my friends to go bust their child. You know, like an adult student operation.

[Jen]

That'd be fun.

[Eileen]

So you're going to. You're effectively. I mean, if we're talking militarily, you're setting up a perimeter around your neighborhood. And as they pass through that perimeter, you just put.

[Jim]

She has to have some kind of night vision, too. She's got to be like, I'm excited.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

We've got a big, big spotlight hunter spotlight that we're going to be using. And we're all going to be dressed in black with hats on.

[Eileen]

No, you're not. Oh, yeah. Now, just out of curiosity,

[Jim]

I mean, this is fun for them. Yeah, this is like, oh, great.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Yeah.

[Eileen]

Do you think, do you have any indication what, like, are they going back to his house? Are they going to just park the car somewhere? Obviously you think

[Jim]

that's why there's a sting operation. They're like undercover cops in the middle of the night drinking coffee and eating pistachios in their car.

[Jen]

That is too funny.

[Burt]

I don't know.

[Jim]

There's some movie.

[Jen]

I'm just remembering back in my teenage days when I used to say I was going to the movies and I didn't. And the stress of trying to tell your parents what the movie was about when you didn't see it. Oh, your daughter's, like, doing a lot of research.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

I'm hoping that they do what they say they're going to do, but it's. It's not looking like they're going to.

[Jen]

Well, if they've been dating for a year and she's how old?

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

She's 16.

[Jen]

And he's how old?

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

16.

[Jen]

You know what they're going to do now?

[Eileen]

Let me ask. Let's. Let's play hypothetical here.

[Jim]

I can't wait till I see. And if it's what Jim was saying or insinuating, then the timing of when you're gonna shine the hunter spotlight on him is very important.

[Eileen]

That could ruin him for life.

[Kimberly]

Scar hurts him.

[Eileen]

I'm just gonna throw a little wrinkle in here because perhaps they are truly going to the movies. It's what they're gonna do when they're in the movies. Like the joke could be, hey, we're gonna go to the movies. But they don't care what they're seeing. You know what I'm saying?

[Jen]

They can just make out in the back.

[Eileen]

Right. Back row of Wally or whatever doing what they do. Hold on. Okay.

[Craig]

Okay.

[Jim]

Well, I think this girlfriend's having an excuse to go out and do something different. Like, I. It's. The reason I'm laughing is because her and her husband being in on this and everything. It just sounds like half of this is just going to be them having an adventure.

[Burt]

Yes.

[Eileen]

Hey, Jane.

[Kimberly]

Yes.

[Eileen]

Oh, no. This is Joanna. Can you bring both of them up?

[Burt]

John?

[Eileen]

Is that possible? Hey, Jane.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Yes, I'm here.

[Eileen]

Will there be any sort of walkie talkie involved?

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

We've all got walkie talkies.

[Kimberly]

That's awesome.

[Jane]

Face paint.

[Eileen]

Hey, Joanna.

[Burt]

What's going on?

[Kimberly]

Not a lot. I just wanted to say that every single teenage girl listening is freaking out that her parents are going to be doing this.

[Jen]

Well, that's true. That's good.

[Jim]

But some.

[Kimberly]

I know that my parents never did anything like that when I was younger, so congrats.

[Jim]

Did you really mean that?

[Jane]

I don't know if that was a nice.

[Jen]

I mean, I hate.

[Jim]

Yeah, I mean, I know you're 16, and I. And I, you know. Yeah, you're 16 everything. But I mean, you still, you know, there'll be your parents. So I. I'm on the mama's side.

[Jen]

You know what I am pleased to find out this morning is that teenagers still write notes because she busted her with that note. They were writing back and forth. I thought they just texted each other.

[Eileen]

Not anymore they don't. Hey, Jane. Hold on. Okay.

[Jen]

Awesome.

[Eileen]

Okay, hold on. We want to check in with you on Monday and I might want to pick you back up in case more questions come up, but I think. I don't know if this is advice or what, but I got to take another call. On the voice disguiser. So hold on. Okay. All right, hold on. Hey, Tim.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Yeah, hey.

[Eileen]

This conversation is taking an interesting direction. What's going on?

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Well, I just wanted to let her know and give her a little bit of advice. My 16 year old daughter visited the Walmart parking lot with her boyfriend. I now have a seven month old grandson, which I love tremendously. But have them stake out the Walmart parking lot.

[Jen]

That's the place to go.

[Eileen]

There's a lot of trauma.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Walmart child.

[Eileen]

Yeah.

[Jim]

Oh, Walmart babies.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

You're gonna baby. But he is precious.

[Eileen]

We are gonna have to.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

I wouldn't trade him for the world, even though it was early and you know what I'm saying?

[Eileen]

Yeah, I'm sure he's adorable, but can you just, as a family, decide to change the story of the conception? Because that kid's destined for. I mean, even not using the secret.

[Kimberly]

God, that's.

[Jim]

That's another topic for another time, is how did you lie to your kid about how you were conceived?

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

I mean, it happened, but we have a Walmart baby. But the thing about it is, which is kind of funny, is my family, and this is no extra exaggeration, none whatsoever. Makes a daily trip to Walmart a daily trip to Walmart.

[Kimberly]

Why?

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

I don't know. My wife goes there every day.

[Eileen]

Oh, just for shopping. Not.

[Craig]

Not.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

She buys, you know, she doesn't buy in.

[Jane]

Not to sit in the car.

[Jim]

The Walmart experience, as we call it.

[Jen]

Is that a new.

[Kimberly]

Write it Disney Walmart experience.

[Eileen]

Just out of curiosity, Tim, do you know the exact parking spot?

[Kimberly]

Oh, my God.

[Eileen]

All right, thanks.

[Jen]

It's March.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

That we weren't there.

[Eileen]

Thanks for the call. Okay.

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

All right.

[Eileen]

All right. Hey, Jane. Hey. We're gonna check back in with you on Monday. Okay?

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Sounds great.

[Jim]

Good luck.

[Jen]

Have fun.

[Eileen]

Hold on the line. Have you given them your phone number yet?

[Caller/Dad (Jane's husband)]

Yeah, I have.

[Jim]

And have your husband take pictures of y' all in a group. You know, your gang photo with your black and the hats and the, you

[Jane]

know, please use face paint.

[Jen]

Mom squad.

[Jim]

The mom squad.

[Jane]

Yeah, y' all need code names too. Like everyone needs to be somebody else.

[Megan McCardell]

Yeah.

[Eileen]

You move. Alpha. Eagle.

[Kimberly]

Eagle.

[Eileen]

The eagle is landing.

[Kimberly]

Walker, Texas. Walker to Texas Ranger.

[Burt]

Here bird show. This podcast is supported by talkspace.

[Jane]

When my husband came home from his military deployment, readjusting was hard for all of us. Thankfully, I found Talkspace.

[Burt]

Talkspace provides professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatric providers online. Military members, veterans and their dependents ages 13 and older can get fast access to providers all from the privacy of their computers or smartphones.

[Jane]

I just answered a few questions online, and Talkspace matched me with a therapist. We meet when it's convenient for me, and I can message her anytime. It was so easy to set up, and they accept Tricare. Therapy was going so well, my husband and I started seeing a couples therapist through Talkspace too.

[Burt]

Talkspace works with most major insurers, including Tricare. Match with a licensed therapist [e-mail] military go to talkspace.com military to get started today. That's talkspace.com military Reggie, I just sold my car online. Let's go, grandpa. Wait, you did? Yep. On Carvana. Just put in the license plate, answered

[Howie Mandel]

a few questions, got an offer in minutes. Easier than setting up that new digital picture frame.

[Burt]

You don't say. Yeah, they're even picking it up tomorrow.

[Howie Mandel]

Talk about fast.

[Eileen]

Wow. Way to go.

[Burt]

So about that picture frame. Ah, forget about it.

[Howie Mandel]

Until Carvana makes one, I'm not interested.

[Kimberly]

Car selling made easy on Carvana. Pick up these.

[Burt]

Mantle.

[Howie Mandel]

Hey, it's Howie Mandel, and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my How We do it gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallow267's million dollars gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against NIOH right now at globalgamingleague.com that's globalgamingleague.com everybody games.