Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, November 5

Summary

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The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, November 5, 2025

Main Theme

This episode of The Bert Show delivers the usual blend of authentic humor, candid real-life stories, pop culture banter, and listener drama. The core pieces include a lively interview with actors Heather Graham and Jimmy Mistry about their film "The Guru", a classic "War of the Roses" segment featuring a suspicious wife, and a uniquely weird interview with a self-described 'afterlife telegrams' entrepreneur. Laughter, vulnerability, and the cast's signature quick wit drive the conversation throughout, making for a dynamic and entertaining morning radio experience.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Interview: Heather Graham & Jimmy Mistry (from "The Guru")

[02:14 – 08:15]

• Movie Banter & Behind-the-Scenes:

  • The cast reminisces about memorable roles of Heather Graham (Roller Girl in "Boogie Nights", "Austin Powers", "Bowfinger", etc.) and dives into their newest project, "The Guru".
  • Humorous recounting of an embarrassing set moment involving Jimmy Mistry and a ‘pouch’ during a towel-dropping scene.
    • “He was wearing a pouchy thing. And then, when they took it off, he was in serious pain.” – Heather Graham [02:57]

• Handling Uncertainty in Film:

  • Graham discusses not always knowing if a project will succeed:
    • “You never actually totally know, because sometimes things turn out good that you think... so you just kind of hope.” – Heather Graham [03:23]

• Pop Culture Recognition & Accents:

  • Heather shares funny fan encounters, especially with kids quoting "Austin Powers".
    • “They’re like, ‘Was it Shag?’ And then they ran away.” – Heather Graham [03:57]
  • Jimmy and Heather playfully attempt each other’s native accents, leading to jovial teasing among the hosts.

• Their On-Set Dynamic & 'Diva' Jokes:

  • The duo jokes about trailers, egos, and behind-the-scenes relationships.
    • "He was kind of a diva, though, you know, he's like, oh, is my trailer as big as Heather's and all that? No, I'm joking." – Heather Graham [05:12]

• Heather’s High School Experience:

  • Graham modestly debunks the myth that movie stars were always confident and popular, sharing stories about being awkward and nerdy, even wearing a neck gear to school.
    • “I had neck gear at one point... I wore it to school.” – Heather Graham [06:02–06:05]

• Reflection on Drive & Ambition:

  • Conversation turns to how being an outsider can fuel career aspirations:
    • “If you grow up really happy and you always have everything you want, you don't have the same ambition.” – Heather Graham [06:49]

• Nostalgia for "License to Drive":

  • Graham reflects on being on set with both Coreys (Feldman & Haim) and the shift from awkward high schooler to movie star.
    • “All along, people were just kind of like, oh, you know, she’s a nerd. And they’re like, wow, maybe I should have asked her out.” – Heather Graham [07:07]

• Praise for Marisa Tomei:

  • Admiration for co-star's physique and performance.
    • “She has a scene in lingerie. I was like, wow, man. Like, that girl works out.” – Heather Graham [08:06]

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2. War of the Roses: Is Doug Cheating?

[08:16 – 15:14]

• Setup:

  • Listener Diane suspects her husband Doug of infidelity, citing vague behavior and echoes of a past cheating incident.
  • She's also three months pregnant, adding emotional complexity.

• Doug’s Response to the ‘Florist’ Call:

  • The team orchestrates their classic 'War of the Roses' test—offering free roses to Doug under the pretext of a promotional florist.
    • Doug chooses to send the roses to Diane, writing: "With all my love. Always, Doug." [12:34–12:40]

• Awkward Radio Reveal:

  • Doug catches on quickly: “I knew something was going on. No one offers a free dozen roses. Nothing's free.” [12:48–12:54]
  • Diane awkwardly tries to play off why they're on the radio, but the hosts press on her suspicion and the awkwardness ramps up.

• Fallout:

  • Doug is frustrated, telling Diane: “You guys are being a little rude here. I think you're insulting my relationship here, baby, I think you should hang up the phone.” [14:59]
  • The segment ends with the hosts sheepishly apologizing.

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3. The ‘Afterlife Telegrams’ Guy: A Wild Invention

[15:14 – 26:44]

• Paul’s Pitch:

  • Paul proposes a service where, for $5 per word, a telegram can be sent to a deceased loved one via a terminally ill person who memorizes it and promises to deliver it in the afterlife.
    • “For a fee of $5 per word, with a five word minimum, you can write a telegram to someone who has passed away...and when they pass away, it’s their job to deliver that message.” – Paul [16:09]

• No Sales, Many Questions:

  • Paul reveals he has not had any paying customers, and the conversation devolves into playful and often sarcastic questioning about logistics (“What if the terminal messenger doesn’t end up in the same afterlife as your loved one?”), and ethics (“How do you confirm delivery?”).
    • “There are a lot of people I'm gonna run into. I mean, I'm gonna have to do a lot of searching.” – Host [16:48]

• Logistical & Philosophical Problems:

  • They joke about heaven, hell, purgatory, reincarnation, and the possibly awkward fate awaiting the messenger (“What if by the time the messenger gets there he’s a squirrel?”).

• Origins & Intent:

  • Paul admits the idea originated from a throwaway gag in the Wayans brothers’ film "Blank Man", not from any religious conviction.
    • “Actually, there's this terrible, terrible movie...called Blank Man.” – Paul [24:08]

• Criticism & Defense:

  • A caller accuses Paul of preying on the grieving; he insists no one’s paid him and there are safeguards on his site.
    • “Number one, you haven't visited the website. If you did, you'd see that I have a whole lot of safeguards...” – Paul [25:56]

• Plugging the Website:

  • The hosts encourage listeners, tongue-in-cheek, to check out afterlifetelegrams.com, and wish Paul luck.
    • “For anybody stupid enough to go: afterlifetelegrams.com, afterlifetelegrams.com, afterlifetelegrams.com. Gotta say it one more time...” – Paul [26:21]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Heather Graham on being approached for ‘Austin Powers’:

  • “They’re like, ‘Was it Shag?’ And then they ran away.” [03:57]

• Heather Graham on childhood awkwardness:

  • “I had neck gear at one point...I wore it to school.” [06:02–06:05]

• Jimmy Mistry on the burden of his movie reputation:

  • “In England, when I walk around, people think I know everything about sex. Because they go, ‘Oh my God, there’s the Guru. Let’s go and ask him...’” [04:01]

• Paul on his afterlife messaging service:

  • “For a fee of $5 per word, with a five word minimum, you can write a telegram to someone who has passed away...and when they pass away, it’s their job to deliver that message.” [16:09]

• Host, on skepticism:

  • “There are a lot of people I'm gonna run into. I mean, I'm gonna have to do a lot of searching.” [16:48]
  • “How do we get a receipt?” [22:26]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:14] – Interview with Heather Graham and Jimmy Mistry begins
• [03:56] – Heather Graham on “Austin Powers” fan stories
• [05:12] – Heather jokes about Jimmy being a diva
• [06:02] – Heather on being nerdy in high school
• [08:16] – War of the Roses: Diane suspects Doug
• [12:34] – Doug sends roses to Diane; “With all my love. Always, Doug.”
• [14:59] – Doug calls out the hosts: “You guys are being a little rude here.”
• [15:32] – Interview with ‘Afterlife Telegrams’ Guy starts
• [16:09] – Paul describes the service
• [24:08] – “Blank Man” movie inspiration revealed
• [25:56] – Paul defends the integrity of his service

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Tone & Style

Conversational, sharp, and irreverent. The hosts keep things moving at a quick pace, alternating between playful teasing and genuine curiosity. Interviews blend candid confessions with tongue-in-cheek skepticism, especially with unusual callers and guests.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

• Celebrity Interviews: Catch Heather Graham’s blend of glam, honesty, and nerdy self-deprecation.
• Dramatic Listener Calls: "War of the Roses" offers both tension and extreme awkwardness as Doug is put on the spot.
• Truly Oddball Inventions: Experience the hilarious and bizarre "afterlife telegrams" concept — a perfect example of The Bert Show’s love of the unusual.

Overall, the episode highlights why The Bert Show remains a top morning radio choice: unfiltered conversations, humor in awkwardness, and a willingness to follow curiosity wherever it leads.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

Get it?

[D]

The Birch Show. She has been in Boogie Nights as Roller Girl. She'll always be Roller Girl to some of us. She was in Bowfinger. She was in Austin Powers. And she was also in a movie called the Guru. She was in Atlanta promoting that movie. And of course, she stopped by the Burt Show. Heather Graham and Jimmy Mistry in studio got the new movie out, the Guru, which Jeff saw last night.

[C]

It was a very funny movie.

[E]

Yeah, Jimmy's really funny in it. He does, like, lots of embarrassing things.

[C]

That's the first question I want to ask you. Because there's a scene where you're wearing a towel and you drop the towel off and Heather's facing you.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

So from the back, we get to see her ass.

[D]

And.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

What does she see?

[D]

Kind of pouch thing. So there's a kidney. You're not really sitting there all naked. No, no.

[E]

Can't remember. No, he was wearing a pouchy thing. And then when they took it off, he was in serious pain.

[D]

In serious pain.

[C]

What, do they tape it? I mean, because there's.

[D]

They did, yeah. Ouch. Very good. Yeah. Still got the scars. This movie is going to be a hit. You're really happy with this. But I've always wondered if you're on the set of a movie and you know the thing's not working, at what point do you know?

[E]

Well, I think sometimes, you know, or, like, you read the script and you go. You kind of hope. Because you never actually totally know, because sometimes things turn out good that you think, so you just kind of hope. I hope this is one of those things that could suck but won't, but then it just does. Sometimes you can do.

[D]

How. How often per day do people come up to you and quote lines from Austin Powers? It just must drive you crazy.

[E]

Actually, once I. I was in England, actually. These little boys were like, hi. And. And they're like, you were in Austin Powers and, like, what was your character's name?

[F]

And I.

[E]

And they're like, was it Shag? Well.

[D]

They'Re like, shag.

[E]

And then they ran away.

[D]

I've got the problem now. In England, when I walk around, people think I know everything about sex. Because they go, oh, my God, there's the Guru. Let's go and ask him how I.

[G]

You know.

[D]

Right.

[C]

Right now, in the movie, you are. Because your heritage is Indian, but you grew up in London.

[D]

Yeah. Father's from India.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Mum's from Ireland.

[C]

So throughout the entire movie, the Guru, you're doing an Indian accent. And then at the screening. After the screening last night, I heard you talking, and you said your next movie has an American accent.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

How hard is it for you to flip through?

[D]

It's just some. I don't know. I mean, that's just something that I like doing. Let's hear the American. You gotta do it now.

[C]

I was gonna see if we could convince Heather to do an English accent. Will you do the American one? Why not, Heather?

[E]

Well, all right. But he might give me a hard time. Like, it's not very good, but I try.

[D]

I don't think I'm gonna give you a hard time.

[G]

That was great.

[C]

You should be an actor. You can do different. You know, kid, you might make it.

[G]

Somewhere in this business.

[D]

Did you guys have a lot of fun on the set? Sure. Seems like you get along great. Unless, of course, you're acting right now. No, we did. We had a great time.

[E]

He was kind of a diva, though, you know, he's like, oh, is my trailer as big as Heather's and all that? No, I'm joking.

[D]

And you had the star campers.

[E]

No, we had the same trailer.

[D]

No, we didn't.

[C]

You didn't? No, we didn't.

[D]

There's a scoop right there. There's a total scoop right there.

[B]

Uhhuh.

[E]

We had a good time.

[D]

I just kind of automatically assume a woman that's pretty has been pretty and outgoing and confident their whole lives. But your bio says I'm not even confident now. I'm just kidding. Now join the rest of the dysfunctional crew. It wasn't like you growing up. From what I understand, you're like. You made yourself an outcast almost.

[E]

Well, no, I was kind of nerdy, you know? I mean, I'm sure everyone feels kind of awkward when they go, like, through puberty and stuff, but, yeah, I was nerdy. I could. I should show you some pictures. I had neck here at one point, like, head. Yeah, but it wasn't the one, like. It wasn't that goes up like that. It was the one that goes around your neck like that.

[H]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[F]

Did you wear it to school?

[E]

Yeah, I did. I did.

[G]

I feel your pain. I wore a lampshade for a while.

[D]

So. Yeah, because I guess I just automatically assume that people that are in movies have always had these great looks and have always been accepted, and it's just been kind of an easy transition.

[E]

No, no, but I think actually the movie business attracts, like, a lot of oddballs that weren't. Because you're like, I want people, you know, What I mean, because you didn't get that, so you try to get it. Do you know what I mean?

[D]

So you're getting a 10. Well, it's a lot like radio, really. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[E]

Because if you already got it, like, why would you try so hard?

[A]

You know?

[D]

Like, you're always looking for that acceptance kind of thing. It's the same thing with actors and actresses.

[E]

I mean, I. You know, I think we love what we do. What we do is great. But, you know, I don't know. I think if you grow up really happy and you always have everything you want, you don't have the same ambition.

[D]

Right.

[E]

As if you did. I don't. That's my theory.

[C]

Now, there's gotta be people from your high school, though, who paid no attention to you. And then, you know, then it starts to take off. And Austin Powers and Boogie Nights. And now the Guru. And all the movies are out and your phone's got a ring. Or your agent gets a call, hey, this is Jimmy. I went to high school with Heather. She knows me well.

[E]

It's funny because, like, when I was graduating high school, I was in License to Drive, this teen movie, right? So all along, people were just kind of like, oh, you know, she's a nerd. And they're like, wow, maybe I should have asked her out, you know, because it was, like, right at the very end in the prom. So it was funny.

[C]

I forgot about License to Drive.

[G]

Was it Corey Feldman?

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

What was your name in the movie Mercedes Both. There was Cory Feldman. And who else was in that?

[G]

You know, you're on the way up when you do a movie with both those Coreys.

[E]

I thought I was so cool. Like, we were driving the car with the Corys. I'm like, I'm with the Corys.

[D]

We're like, the coolest. That's awesome.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

The name of the movie is the Guru. It stars Heather Graham and Jimmy Mistry. And Marissa Tomei's in it, too, right?

[C]

She does a great job. She's cool.

[E]

Yeah, she's really good. She has no body fat either. Did you notice that?

[D]

You should hear the things she's saying about you.

[E]

Right? No, in a good way. Like, she's so, like, toned.

[D]

Is she?

[E]

Yeah, she's like. She has a scene in lingerie. I was like, wow, man. Like, that girl works out.

[G]

She is new.

[D]

Heather Graham and Jimmy Mistry in the Guru. Thanks a lot for coming in, you guys. Thank you.

[B]

Get it.

[G]

The Bird show.

[D]

She is absolutely convinced that her man has been messing around on her. So she's gonna try to catch him red handed with a war of the roses.

[G]

Hi, Diane.

[D]

Hello. You don't sound so great.

[H]

Well, yeah, I'm calling Ashley. Have you guys help me to figure out whether or not. Of course my husband has been seeing somebody else.

[D]

What's his name and how long have you been married?

[H]

Well, his name's Doug and we've been married now for about, about 12 years. We got married when we were 18, I'm 30 now, so yeah, normally he's very attentive and you know, polite and takes me out. But recently he's just been not how he usually is. Like he forgets to tell me things and he does a lot of business meetings and usually he's, you know, very adamant about where he's going. He'll be like, oh yeah, we're going to P F Chang's for dinner or maybe, you know, going over to the W for lunch or something like that. But lately he's just been really vague.

[D]

Okay.

[H]

And that, I don't know, I'm sort of suspect. He cheated on me once before. This was a really long time ago when we first started dating, probably like 13 years ago, like the first six months that we were dating and he cheated on me. And that's kind of how I knew.

[D]

He started doing the same things, just became vague, aware he was hanging out and stuff like that.

[H]

Well, definitely, he's just being very elusive, you know. Okay, there's a perfect example. Last Saturday or whatever, we were supposed to meet up at the Home Depot and I was doing some errands, he was doing some errands and we were supposed to be meet there together. Well, probably like an hour and a half went by and I hadn't, I couldn't get a hold of him. I tried his cell phone, I tried to leave a message at the house and he never called. And then finally he shows up and he's like, oh yeah, I got a flat tire. And I was like, I looked at his car and you know what? He could have, it could have been true or it could have not, but I don't really know the difference. So I was very suspect at that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, never like that.

[D]

Here's what doesn't make sense to me. I mean, if you've been this guy for 12 years, then it seems like these are things that you should be able to bring up without the fear of it getting in the way of the relationship.

[E]

You know what? If you have a doubt, you have a Doubt. You know what I mean? And obviously, from what you've said, he is acting differently. And you just want to know why.

[H]

There's an extra reason why I'm a little worried. I'm three months pregnant and I have a little bit. You know, I don't know if it's maybe like hormones. I mean, I'm not really showing. I still take very good care of myself, so I don't think. I don't think he's out because I'm not physically attractive anymore. But I don't know if I'm feeling extra sensitive or. I don't know, it's been really difficult.

[D]

There's just some weirdness going on here, and maybe it's the hormones, maybe you're being sensitive. But you've got a common denominator here between now and what happened 13 years ago, so I guess it makes sense.

[H]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay, so here's what we'll do. Diane, we're gonna have you on the line listening to everything go on. Lindsay's gonna call up Doug pretending to be a florist, and she's gonna offer him a dozen roses, and we're gonna see who he turns around and sends these roses to. Hopefully it's gonna be back to you. Okay?

[H]

Yeah.

[D]

And the only thing that we ask is that you don't say a word until we find out who he's sending the roses to and also what he writes on the card.

[H]

Okay?

[C]

Okay.

[H]

Okay.

[G]

Oh, hello.

[F]

Is Doug in, please?

[G]

This is.

[F]

Hi, Doug. This is Lindsay from Fertile Flowers. How are you?

[G]

Fine.

[F]

Great. We are a brand new flower shop in the area, and as part of a promotional offer, we'd like to send you a dozen long stem red roses. And they are completely free. Are you interested in sending someone free flowers?

[G]

What's the. What's the catch?

[F]

No catch. Like I said, we're a new shop in the area. Your name came up in our database. We've sent a whole bunch of people flowers already, and we'd just like to include this offer to you.

[G]

Do you put me on a mailing list or something like that?

[F]

Actually, no. We take you off the mailing list so we don't have to harass you or bother you anymore. Like I said, we're new in the area and we're hoping that maybe sometime someone will come back and do business with us. But in the meantime, we're gonna leave you alone. After that, we just want to send you free flowers. You can send them to whomever you'd like.

[G]

Really?

[F]

Yeah. You know, I just Work for this company. And. And they do a good job. They just send people flowers.

[G]

All right.

[F]

All right, cool. First thing I need to do is fill out a card, and then I'll get all the other information from you after that. But who would you like to send the roses to?

[G]

Send them to Diane.

[F]

Diane. Okay, and what would you like the card to say?

[G]

With all my love.

[F]

With all my love.

[G]

Always, Doug.

[F]

Always, Doug. Gotcha.

[D]

Hey, Doug.

[G]

Hello?

[D]

Hi, this is Bert, and that was Lindsey, and we're calling from radio station Q100.

[G]

I knew something was going on.

[D]

No one offers a free dozen roses.

[G]

Nothing's free.

[D]

We have your wife Diane on the line, actually, right now.

[G]

Baby, what are you doing?

[H]

Hi, baby.

[D]

Diane's mind's kind of been going a little crazy on her these days. Yeah. And she just wanted to make sure that she was the only woman in your life. So she had us make this phone call to you just to see that, you know, it would be her that you'd be sending the flowers to.

[H]

Actually, I never said anything like that.

[G]

Baby, what's going on?

[D]

Hello?

[H]

No, I just. Sweetie, I just called because they said that they would give us free flowers. They, like, give away free flowers. So I just called and. To send you flowers because I know you normally send me flowers, so I thought it'd be a nice gift to send you some at the office.

[G]

That's nice, but I don't like. Why are we on the radio, baby?

[H]

Well, I just called to send you some flowers. They give away flowers. I listen, and they usually give away flowers. So I called up and I thought, well, that might be kind of cool. I'll just send my man over some flowers.

[D]

There were just some, like, weird inconsistencies going on that she was just a little freaked out about.

[G]

Like what?

[F]

Like the flat tire?

[G]

What are you talking about? Baby, do you think I'm cheating on you?

[H]

No, of course not. What are you guys talking about?

[D]

What are we talking about? Yeah, just the whole, you know, 13 years ago thing.

[H]

Yeah. Like I said, I've been married for 13 years, and I'm completely in love with my husband. And you guys promised to send me flowers.

[D]

You know, the vagueness. Thirteen years ago when he messed around, and now he's been a little vague.

[G]

Baby, you're telling them my life history now?

[H]

No, I have. No, honestly, sweetie, I swear. They have a program. It's called Win Roses for your husband or your wife. And so I called up and told them that I wanted to send my husband roses.

[D]

Right, right. Diane, we have it on tape. You just called us to make sure he was.

[H]

No way. I called in. I left a mess. And you guys called me. You guys called me, right?

[G]

You guys are being a little rude here. I think in your insulting my relationship here, baby, I think you should hang up the phone.

[D]

Why don't we all go? How's that?

[G]

Great. Let's end this phone call, okay? Call me.

[D]

Our bad. Sorry about that.

[H]

Yeah, whatever.

[D]

See ya.

[H]

I'll call you later.

[D]

You're on the Burt Show. Aren't we all convinced that we have the one invention in the back of our heads that we know we can make a trillion dollars on? This guy thought he had an ide. It was gonna land him on the Million Dollar Club.

[C]

I ran across somebody emailed me this guy's website not too long ago and said, you know, this might be somebody interested in having on the show. And I read it and at first I kinda laughed at what he does. And then I started to think about it and I bet this guy makes a ton of money from his new invention. And Paul, I will let you explain it to us. And I guarantee you, next time we talk to Paul, he'll be a wealthy man.

[D]

Hey, Paul.

[G]

Okay, hey, I appreciate that, but you are completely wrong. This has been a total disaster. So far I haven't sold one one thing of my product yet.

[C]

All right, what do you got?

[G]

For a fee of $5 per word, with a five word minimum, you can write a telegram to someone who has passed away, someone who said, and we will give that telegram to a terminally ill person. They will memorize it word for word. And when they pass away, it's their job to go deliver that message.

[D]

Come on now. Are you kidding me?

[G]

No, no, it's for real. And the money is collected. And upon his passing, it's either given to a charity of the messenger's choosing, to the messenger's family, or to pay for medical bills. And in this particular case, we only have one messenger and he wants it to go to his family.

[D]

And what's the motivation as me as the terminal person to deliver this message? I mean, there are a lot of people I'm gonna run into. I mean, I'm gonna have to do a lot of searching.

[G]

Oh, you mean. Well, he's promised to do so. I mean, he's a. He's an honest guy. I believe him when he says he's gonna, you know, try his best to deliver the messages.

[D]

Oh, I see. You have one guy, just so far. He's gonna deliver all these Messages to all these people.

[G]

Well, all these messages done so far.

[E]

Well, he's got one guy so far. I think what he's saying is that he, you know, other terminally ill patients can jump on board if they want.

[C]

So nobody's asked him to memorize even one message yet?

[G]

Nope. No paying customers yet.

[F]

Why do you think that is?

[G]

I think part of it. Well, see, it used to be that it was $10 per word and I was retaining half the fees. And, well, I figured, well, I'll cut the price in half, see if that can't, you know, stir the pot a little bit. And I, you know, I thought it would be unfair for me to take any of his money, so I just said, okay, I'll, you know, give up my half.

[C]

And so it's like a grand opening special right now.

[G]

Yeah, it's like a grand opening special, and I'm going to attempt to see if I can't make a little money off the traffic going in and out of the website.

[D]

So let's say you collect 500 messages. Wow, that.

[G]

Wow, that's way over the top. I don't think we can possibly do that.

[D]

Let's make it a little more realistic. Let's say you get two. Okay.

[G]

Okay. Yeah. Give me two. Gee.

[D]

Okay. Your terminal person passes away. They deliver the message. How do you approach the next terminally ill person to do this for you?

[G]

I'm not going to this one. I could, because he was a family friend, say. So it's real easy, you know, comparatively, if anybody else wishes to be a messenger, they're gonna have to come to me.

[C]

That wanted ad in the paper.

[E]

I know you're not feeling good.

[G]

It's actually on the website. There's a. You know what's required, you know, and. And I don't really have to worry about someone faking terminal illness because, well, no one gets any money until after the person dies. So, I mean, they would have to go through a whole lot of, you know, brick getting a fake body together, you know, and some kind of ridiculous thing like that.

[C]

For $45?

[G]

Yeah, for $45. Yeah.

[E]

Yeah. I know you're not feeling good, and you got a lot in your mind, but I was also wondering, could you memorize this and deliver it?

[G]

You want to make sure I'm not doing that. I'm not going to go up to someone and say that.

[E]

The postmortem pony express.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Now, what would happen if, say. Let's say, you know, you're going to. Let's say Melissa or Lindsay hires you to deliver a message to their fathers and you good men. And I would assume that they're in heaven. But let's say the person that you've recruited or that has come to you and said that they want to do it is not going to heaven.

[G]

Well, actually, that's one of the things we put in the website, you know, because there's so many things that could go wrong. It's funny that people keep bringing that one up because that was like, the last one I thought of when I wrote down the list of things that could screw it up. What is heaven, hell and purgatory? What if, you know, what if the guy's not going to the same one?

[E]

Because I doubt Satan would deliver the messages himself.

[D]

Yeah, he's not real warm that way.

[G]

Yeah, well, maybe it's sort of like you can, you know, like you can visit someone in prison, maybe. So maybe someone in heaven can go ahead and visit someone.

[D]

So you think there's like that plexiglass window between heaven, hell, they can slip.

[G]

A message through those little round holes.

[C]

You know, like he slips the message into him in the Bible that the book man carries around the prison. Now, you said you were putting a list together of things that could go wrong, and the heaven hell thing was the last thing on your list.

[E]

The last thing, right?

[G]

Oh, yeah. Well, one of the last things I thought of. I forget where it is on the list. By the way, the website is afterlifetelegrams.com. you know, we can't do this interview without saying that at least eight more times.

[C]

What were some of the other things on the list of things that could potentially go wrong?

[G]

Oh, let's see if I can remember. One of them was reincarnation. I mean, what happens if the. By the time the messenger gets there, well, he's already back on Earth and he's a squirrel. Yeah. So you missed him totally there. And then what else on afterlifetelegrams.com you had, oh, well, what if there's no afterlife at all? And that is a possibility. I mean, it's kind of depressing, but, you know, it's possible. What else could be. Oh, there could be, like, well, what if the person doesn't want the message? What if he doesn't want to be bothered and he has the means to keep people away. I can die to get away from it. And they wanted to send a message to Elvis.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Enough of my family.

[C]

Have you thought about taking this to, you know, this service to, like, collection companies and stuff like that? Because they're pretty, you know, savvy when it comes to tracking people down.

[D]

That's. This is a great way that even if you die, you don't get past the money that you borrowed to go to University of Georgia or telemarketers.

[C]

I got a guy named Tony who calls me every day about getting a dish at my house every single day. Maybe you could hire him. He can go after.

[G]

Maybe that's how my student loan people would probably work on me with that.

[D]

This is a whole new avenue for advertising, actually. Good morning, Robert.

[G]

Hey, what's up?

[D]

How you're on with Paul.

[G]

Paul? Are you serious?

[C]

Matt?

[G]

Yeah, man just sat down and thought about this. Clearly. No, I have another question for you. If, let's say, some terminally ill person decides to take this bill that you're offering and they say, okay, I'm going to deliver this message, do you have confirmation that the message made it to the person?

[D]

Yeah. How do we get a receipt?

[G]

None whatsoever. No, you can't. I'm going to send the response. No. You know, I had thought of working up some kind of seance, you know, but I, you know, I have no telegrams to begin with, so I don't know if I want to go to the bother of going through all that.

[F]

You should get Ms. Cleo to help.

[C]

Yeah, Ms. Cleo. Get Ms. Cleo to help you.

[G]

Yeah, yeah. I hate her because, you know, she's been in this area at least she does a lot of phone soliciting and that's a big pet peeve of mine.

[C]

Maybe you could hire. You could get her. You could get her to, you know, to buy some of the telegrams, to contact people in heaven and get them to contact the people on earth, therefore bringing her more business.

[G]

Well, see, what I thought of doing is telling the messenger just a code word that only he and I know. That way he can deliver the message and just tack that on the end of every message. That way someone comes back and tells someone, as long as they can tell me what the word is and I can confirm that that was it.

[D]

Did you run this idea by anybody close to you before you decided to go public with it?

[G]

Oh, sure. My wife, my mom, my dad. I kind of told people I got a lot of negative stuff from people because, see, if this was just a rub a crystal ball and, you know, get messages from the afterlife kind of thing, no one would care. But the reason this is frying everyone's bacon like it was the end of the world is because I think, because it could Work.

[D]

Morning. Jenna, you're on with Paul.

[G]

Hi, Paul.

[H]

I mean, where did you come up with this idea?

[G]

When did I come up with it?

[H]

Where?

[G]

Actually there's this terrible, terrible movie called made by the Waynes brothers called Blank Man. Anybody seen it? No, no, not myself. You didn't miss anything. It was like an hour and a half. I'll never get back for my life.

[D]

They had roughly the same amount of viewers as you've had people sign up for your service.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[G]

Well, anyway, in this movie they had actually one scene that was actually really neat. The governor of the city, I forget where it takes place, is tied to a whole bunch of bombs with a ridiculous amount of chain on him. Blank man, who's a superhero, goes in and goofy superhero, and he is. There's no way he can possibly defuse all the bombs in the two minutes that he has.

[H]

Okay, so what you're saying there is that you based this off of a movie. You haven't based this off of any religious belief that you have or knowing anything about reincarnation or what happened.

[C]

You know what?

[D]

Before.

[C]

Before you get all angry and get all up in his business and whatnot. He did base it on a Wayans movie.

[G]

Yeah, I do have some basis here, you know.

[H]

I mean, seriously, have you had any kind of, you know, college degree in the biblical terms? And what happens after someone dies?

[G]

Well, I mean, I went to Sunday school. Does that count? Yeah, I went to Sunday school. You know, I didn't believe any of it. I mean, this is as weird as it is. I went to Sunday school. And like, you know, because they would say stuff like, you know, I don't know, you could just name anything and. But you would ask, well, how do you know that? And they go like. Well, you just put it on faith.

[H]

You're just jumping on another bandwagon to rip people off of money that miss their loved ones and think this may be a shot. This is ludicrous.

[G]

Number one, you haven't visited a website. If you did, you see that? I have a whole lot of safeguards to prevent taking advantage of grieving people. And number two, no one's giving me a damn dime.

[C]

You know why? I. I think Jen's upset? Because. Anybody else hear the heart monitor going behind her?

[D]

All right, Paul, give out the website again, man.

[G]

For anybody stupid enough to golife telegrams.com afterlifetelegrams.com afterlifeteleGrams.com gotta say one more time. So that makes it nine. Afterlifetelegrams.com I think you know, I truly.

[C]

Believe, Paul, that you were going to become rich off of this. I wish you all the best. We'll link that website up to our website and just remember us when you are a millionaire.

[G]

Okay, I will do that.

[D]

Or at least until you get your first 15 bucks.

[G]

15 bucks? I'll go get a milkshake and then I'll tell you guys about it.

[D]

All right, dude, see you later.

[G]

All right, bye. Bye.

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