The Bert Show – Vault: Advice From The Bert Show Men

Date: December 22, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Episode Theme: The guys of The Bert Show take over the studio to deliver blunt, honest relationship advice to female callers—“no sugarcoating, no emotional gymnastics, just the truth from the male perspective.”

Episode Overview

This episode features a “men-only” advice segment in which Bert, Crash, Phil Tyranna, and Jeff (with brief appearances from others) field relationship questions from female callers. With the women of the show absent, the men aim to offer unfiltered, straightforward takes on dating, relationships, and intimacy, often referencing the book He’s Just Not That Into You as a guiding principle. The tone is comedic, candid, and at times irreverent, with plenty of good-natured banter mixed in.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. On Men and Communication: The Joy of Silence

Timestamp: 02:02 - 03:37

• Topic: Guys enjoying comfortable silence while women often seek constant conversation.
• Crash and Bert reflect on how, when women leave the studio, the men can exist in quiet togetherness, feeling it’s true bonding.
• Quote:
  • Crash: “There was silence. See, this is what guys can do. Like, that was an enjoyable time. That was a quality four minutes that I just spent with you. We were in the room together, but we weren’t talking.” (02:40)
  • Bert: “...the concept of a Guy can watch nine innings of baseball and three extra innings and say 30 words to each other, and that’s a great time.” (02:53)

2. Caller Sarah: Should I Stay with My Controlling Boyfriend?

Timestamp: 06:04 - 09:43

• Situation: Sarah, newly moved in with a boyfriend who still sees and communicates with his ex-fiancée, asks if she’s right to be bothered when her boyfriend wants the ex to spend the night.
• Advice:
  • Phil Tyranna: “He’s trying to secure you, keep you on check while he’s going to go out and play the field a little bit.” (07:15)
  • Jeff: “He is just trying to see how far he can push you by him saying, ‘Can she come over and spend the night?’ If you give in...next week it’s going to be, ‘Hey, me and her going out on a Friday.’” (07:35)
  • Bert: “He’s really not that into you...The fact that you won't allow it, though, and the fact that he’s putting her feelings above yours indicate that he’s not really that into you. So you should, in all honesty, tell him to go do what he wants with his ex and you get out of there.” (08:06)
  • Crash: “You’re in a possessive relationship with a guy that wants complete control...He doesn’t respect your wishes. So dump him.” (09:03)
• Memorable Moment:
  • Bert jokes about “genitalia on a shelf” in the ex’s apartment, adding humorous levity to a tough conversation. (05:03)
• Consensus: Leave the relationship—he’s not genuinely invested, nor respecting her boundaries.

3. Caller Krista: Is My Neighbor Into Me or Just Creepy?

Timestamp: 10:04 - 14:18

• Situation: Krista, 18, has a “crush” on her 18-year-old neighbor, who stares at her but never follows up after being given her phone number. He’s got a girlfriend, and Krista wonders if he likes her.
• Advice:
  • Phil Tyranna: Jokingly calls the neighbor a “peeping Tom” and a “creep,” highlighting the lack of initiative: “He’s staring at you from outside the window, but yet he’s got your phone number and he won’t talk to you.” (11:05)
  • Jeff: “He obviously knows where you live. If he’s not coming over...take the hint.” (11:56)
  • Crash: “He’s compiling your phone number just in case something doesn’t work out with his other 18-year-old girlfriend.” (12:07)
  • Bert: “At 18, boyfriends and girlfriends don’t count...you need to go have yourself a damn good time...screw things up.” (13:54)
• Quote:
  • Crash: “All rules are off at 18...You could pretty much screw up as much as you want, and everybody gives you a big old leap of faith. So go ahead, have a great time and screw things up.” (14:05)
• Consensus: He’s not making an effort; don’t wait for him. At 18, be bold—go out, have fun, don’t overthink the drama.

4. Caller ‘Sue’: Husband’s (Very) Quick Sex—How to Talk About It?

Timestamp: 17:43 - 22:33

• Situation: Married two years, Sue says her husband “lasts five minutes” in bed and doesn’t seem concerned about her pleasure. She fears bruising his ego by bringing it up.
• Advice:
  • Crash: Encourages directness and playful communication: “Just show me what you want me to do, and I will be like a puppy dog. I will sit, I will poop where you tell me to.” (19:36)
  • Phil Tyranna: “Just tell him, say, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy. Before he gets started, say, hey, do this first, do this second, and then give me your five minutes of pure love.” (21:26)
  • Humor: The guys riff on “bunny” bedroom accessories and joke about “creams” for lasting longer.
• Quote:
  • Crash: “It’s really, really important...that the person I’m doing that with is having as much fun as I am. So I welcome the opportunity for them to show me what they want.” (19:36)
• Consensus: Communicate honestly and directly—show, don’t just tell. Don’t expect dramatic changes, but mutual pleasure requires openness.

5. Caller Julie: Is My Out-of-Town Guy Genuine or Playing Me?

Timestamp: 22:46 - 26:07

• Situation: Julie’s “boyfriend” lives out-of-state for work and only communicates sparingly (often via text, rarely calls)—yet he makes big declarations of love when he’s in town.
• Advice:
  • Phil Tyranna: “He travels all the time...he doesn’t call you when he’s out of town because he’s busy giving that to his girlfriend in the other town.” (24:05)
  • Crash: “If a guy is really into you, he will find the 60 seconds to give you a damn call.” (24:38)
  • Jeff: “Texting is so much easier to do. How easy is it to duck into a bathroom...send a text message...and then walk into the other room where his little hussy is.” (25:05)
  • Bert: “He’s cheating with you. You’re the mistress.” (25:44)
  • Crash: “Again, he’s just not that into you. I mean, if he’s not calling, all he’s got to do is pick up the phone and say ‘hey’. If he’s saying he’s too busy to do that, then he’s just not that into you.” (25:51)
• Consensus: He’s stringing her along, likely has someone else, and isn’t genuinely committed. Don’t fall for the “I’m too busy” excuse.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Men Socializing Without Talking:

  • Crash: “I feel closer to you guys since we didn’t talk.” (03:34)

• On Simple Male Relationship Advice:

  • Bert: “We keep it simple. We don’t complicate things with all these analogies and trying to dissect it.” (05:50)

• On Recognizing Unhealthy Possessiveness:

  • Crash: “You’re in a possessive relationship...he doesn’t respect your wishes. So dump him.” (09:03)

• On “He’s Just Not That Into You”:

  • Bert: “If he’s not calling, all he’s got to do is pick up the phone and say ‘hey’. If he’s saying he’s too busy to do that, then he’s just not that into you.” (25:51)

• On What Matters at 18:

  • Bert: “At that point, boyfriends and girlfriends don’t count...have yourself a damn good time.” (13:54)

Time-Stamped Segment Highlights

• 02:02: Guys celebrate the “male moment” when women leave the studio—revealing gender differences in social comfort.
• 06:04: Sarah’s call—controlling boyfriend and ex-fiancée drama dissected.
• 10:04: Krista’s call—decoding an unresponsive (yet stare-y) neighbor.
• 17:43: Sue’s call—navigating sexual satisfaction and awkward conversations in marriage.
• 22:46: Julie’s call—long-distance relationship realities and “He’s Just Not That Into You” logic.

Tone and Language

• Authentic, No-Nonsense, and Playful: The men are intentionally blunt, using humor, pop-culture references, and analogies to drive home their points. Joking about “peeing like a puppy” and “creams” for sexual performance keep things light—even when addressing serious relationship issues.
• Camaraderie Over Sensitivity: The episode revels in the male perspective—sometimes at the expense of nuance or empathy, but always circling back to direct, actionable advice.

Summary Takeaway

If you haven’t listened, expect a lively men’s roundtable where real talk rules and the “He’s Just Not That Into You” doctrine reigns supreme—sprinkled with jokes, zingers, and honestly delivered advice for relationships, dating, and sex. The Bert Show guys suggest: If he’s into you, you’ll know; if not, don’t make excuses for him. Don’t be afraid to screw up, don’t be afraid to say what you want, and always have fun—especially when you’re 18.