The Bert Show: "Vault: All or Nothing Trivia"
Airdate: January 21, 2026
Host: Bert and The Bert Show Cast (Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jeff, Jen, Melissa)
Episode Overview
This raucous morning episode centers around “All or Nothing Trivia”—a game where listeners must correctly identify all five celebrities known for being the "best hung" in entertainment. The catch: callers must get all five right; otherwise, the hosts only reveal how many are correct, but not which ones. The segment has stumped listeners for days, creating a running saga that finally reaches its conclusion in this episode. Humor, playful banter, and escalating desperation to crown a winner deliver laughs for loyal listeners and new ones alike.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
Setting the Scene: The Ongoing Trivia Saga
- The hosts recap the difficulty of the trivia game: “You have to call up with all five answers. If you don't have all five right, we'll tell you how many you got right. We just won't tell you which ones.” (Burt, 00:05)
- Desperation mounts as neither the audience nor the show can seem to close out the challenge. Jen pleads, “Somebody is driving me crazy.” (00:21) Jeff adds, “Stop the madness, people.” (00:22)
The Clues: Narrowing the Field
- The hosts confirm critical attributes about the fifth mystery celebrity:
- Over 40, still alive, white male.
- Actor, but became famous for something else first.
- Appeared on "Sex and the City".
- Melissa reminds everyone: “The big clue you gave on Friday was that he starred in Sex and the City.” (Melissa, 01:10)
- More clues: “You probably know him as an actor, but he was certainly something in entertainment before he was an actor that made him a celebrity.” (Burt, 00:59)
The Wrong Answers: Callers Take Their Shot
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The show cycles through listener guesses, each almost getting it:
- Ron Jeremy? “Ron Jeremy is not right.” (Burt, 00:39)
- Jon Bon Jovi? “You got four of five.” (Burt, 01:45)
- Carrot Top? “He’s been guessed before anyways…4/5.” (Burt, 03:03)
- John Corbett, Chris Noth, John O’Hurley, Jackie Chan, Huey Lewis—each time, the answer is tantalizingly out of reach.
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Memorable banter:
- About Carrot Top: “That’s like knowing the fifth Baldwin brother. Yeah, I know Scooter Baldwin.” (Jeff, 03:44)
- Mocking a guess: “Come on, Jackie Chan...you said he was short. And you said he was famous for something else.” (Burt, 05:51, to a caller)
The Winning Moment: Mystery Solved!
- Tim calls and finally nails the correct list:
- “Eddie Murphy, David Letterman, Harrison Ford, Don Johnson, and Mikhail Baryshnikov.” (Caller: Tim, 08:11)
- The hosts confirm: “Yes. It's over.” (Burt, 08:42)
- Jen shares a personal anecdote: “I honestly had a poster of him in my room...because he was like, I mean, one of the most famous dancers ever...my mother made a comment because he was in ballet tights, and my mother made a comment about his package.” (Jen, 08:45)
The Final Answer & Dishy Details
The Correct List ("The Best Hung in Entertainment"):
- Eddie Murphy
- David Letterman
- Harrison Ford
- Don Johnson
- Mikhail Baryshnikov
- Descriptions and legendary “measurements” are shared humorously:
- “Eddie Murphy...eight to nine [inches]." (Burt, 10:22)
- "David Letterman...reported to be an impressive nine or better." (Burt, 10:37)
- "Don Johnson...the phallus that made Miami Vice a primetime staple..." (Burt, 10:39)
- "Harrison Ford...tremendously, tremendously two tremendously's hung." (Burt, 10:46)
- "Mikhail Baryshnikov taps out over nine and a half." (Burt, 11:34)
- "I always confuse the two of them [Harrison Ford and Kevin Costner]." (Melissa, 11:31)
- Jokes continue about “tying it in a knot for ballet tights” (Jen, 11:39), and concern for Calista Flockhart, Ford’s partner.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- On celebrity connections:
- “Yeah, dude, I know Carrot Top. Seriously, that's like knowing the fifth Baldwin brother.” (Jeff, 03:43)
- On the moment of victory:
- “Yes. It's over.” (Burt, 08:42)
- “I honestly had a poster of him in my room...my mother made a comment about his package.” (Jen, 08:45)
- On the mythic status:
- “Don Johnson says, one look at the phallus that made Miami Vice a primetime staple and you can see why Melanie Griffith married him twice.” (Burt, 10:39)
- “It was rolled up four or five different times.” (Burt, 09:14, on Baryshnikov's tights)
- On the website:
- “We'll put this whole list up on our website...But you listening now also know that Mikhail Baryshnikov was the fifth.” (Burt, 11:42)
Timestamps for Major Segments
- 00:00–00:56 – Trivia intro, game rules, initial hints
- 00:56–03:40 – Listeners try and fail; clues get clearer
- 03:40–07:15 – Humorous banter, more wrong guesses, Carrot Top discussion
- 07:16–08:45 – Callers get creative; stakes rise with donation promise; hosts drop more specific clues
- 08:45–09:55 – The correct answer is called in; hosts discuss Baryshnikov’s history and reputation
- 09:55–12:29 – Comedic deep dive into the final five, their “measurements” and relationships; decisions about sharing the final list on the site
Style, Tone, and Takeaway
- The Bert Show’s playful, irreverent humor is on full display: teasing, oversharing, and delight in scandalous trivia.
- The segment is fast-paced and interactive, built on the community’s ongoing obsession with solving the riddle.
- The payoff for loyal listeners is strong—finally closing a running joke after many days (or weeks) and cementing the show’s reputation as morning radio that doesn’t take itself too seriously.
Takeaway
This episode delivers vintage Bert Show: a silly, adult trivia chase that leverages listener participation, cast chemistry, and a shared sense of fun. The grand reveal of Mikhail Baryshnikov as the “missing fifth” brings closure and plenty of laughs, seasoned with cheeky commentary and memorable quips from hosts and callers alike. If you ever needed proof morning radio can be both community-driven and just a little bit risqué, this one’s a keeper.
The Final List (Spoiler!)
- Eddie Murphy
- David Letterman
- Harrison Ford
- Don Johnson
- Mikhail Baryshnikov