Vault: All Or Nothing Trivia

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: All or Nothing Trivia"

Airdate: January 21, 2026
Host: Bert and The Bert Show Cast (Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jeff, Jen, Melissa)

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Episode Overview

This raucous morning episode centers around “All or Nothing Trivia”—a game where listeners must correctly identify all five celebrities known for being the "best hung" in entertainment. The catch: callers must get all five right; otherwise, the hosts only reveal how many are correct, but not which ones. The segment has stumped listeners for days, creating a running saga that finally reaches its conclusion in this episode. Humor, playful banter, and escalating desperation to crown a winner deliver laughs for loyal listeners and new ones alike.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Setting the Scene: The Ongoing Trivia Saga

• The hosts recap the difficulty of the trivia game: “You have to call up with all five answers. If you don't have all five right, we'll tell you how many you got right. We just won't tell you which ones.” (Burt, 00:05)
• Desperation mounts as neither the audience nor the show can seem to close out the challenge. Jen pleads, “Somebody is driving me crazy.” (00:21) Jeff adds, “Stop the madness, people.” (00:22)

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The Clues: Narrowing the Field

• The hosts confirm critical attributes about the fifth mystery celebrity:
  • Over 40, still alive, white male.
  • Actor, but became famous for something else first.
  • Appeared on "Sex and the City".
• Melissa reminds everyone: “The big clue you gave on Friday was that he starred in Sex and the City.” (Melissa, 01:10)
• More clues: “You probably know him as an actor, but he was certainly something in entertainment before he was an actor that made him a celebrity.” (Burt, 00:59)

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The Wrong Answers: Callers Take Their Shot

• The show cycles through listener guesses, each almost getting it:

  • Ron Jeremy? “Ron Jeremy is not right.” (Burt, 00:39)
  • Jon Bon Jovi? “You got four of five.” (Burt, 01:45)
  • Carrot Top? “He’s been guessed before anyways…4/5.” (Burt, 03:03)
  • John Corbett, Chris Noth, John O’Hurley, Jackie Chan, Huey Lewis—each time, the answer is tantalizingly out of reach.

• Memorable banter:

  • About Carrot Top: “That’s like knowing the fifth Baldwin brother. Yeah, I know Scooter Baldwin.” (Jeff, 03:44)
  • Mocking a guess: “Come on, Jackie Chan...you said he was short. And you said he was famous for something else.” (Burt, 05:51, to a caller)

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The Winning Moment: Mystery Solved!

• Tim calls and finally nails the correct list:
  • “Eddie Murphy, David Letterman, Harrison Ford, Don Johnson, and Mikhail Baryshnikov.” (Caller: Tim, 08:11)
• The hosts confirm: “Yes. It's over.” (Burt, 08:42)
• Jen shares a personal anecdote: “I honestly had a poster of him in my room...because he was like, I mean, one of the most famous dancers ever...my mother made a comment because he was in ballet tights, and my mother made a comment about his package.” (Jen, 08:45)

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The Final Answer & Dishy Details

The Correct List ("The Best Hung in Entertainment"):

1. Eddie Murphy
2. David Letterman
3. Harrison Ford
4. Don Johnson
5. Mikhail Baryshnikov

• Descriptions and legendary “measurements” are shared humorously:
  • “Eddie Murphy...eight to nine [inches]." (Burt, 10:22)
  • "David Letterman...reported to be an impressive nine or better." (Burt, 10:37)
  • "Don Johnson...the phallus that made Miami Vice a primetime staple..." (Burt, 10:39)
  • "Harrison Ford...tremendously, tremendously two tremendously's hung." (Burt, 10:46)
  • "Mikhail Baryshnikov taps out over nine and a half." (Burt, 11:34)
• "I always confuse the two of them [Harrison Ford and Kevin Costner]." (Melissa, 11:31)
• Jokes continue about “tying it in a knot for ballet tights” (Jen, 11:39), and concern for Calista Flockhart, Ford’s partner.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On celebrity connections:
  • “Yeah, dude, I know Carrot Top. Seriously, that's like knowing the fifth Baldwin brother.” (Jeff, 03:43)
• On the moment of victory:
  • “Yes. It's over.” (Burt, 08:42)
  • “I honestly had a poster of him in my room...my mother made a comment about his package.” (Jen, 08:45)
• On the mythic status:
  • “Don Johnson says, one look at the phallus that made Miami Vice a primetime staple and you can see why Melanie Griffith married him twice.” (Burt, 10:39)
  • “It was rolled up four or five different times.” (Burt, 09:14, on Baryshnikov's tights)
• On the website:
  • “We'll put this whole list up on our website...But you listening now also know that Mikhail Baryshnikov was the fifth.” (Burt, 11:42)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 00:00–00:56 – Trivia intro, game rules, initial hints
• 00:56–03:40 – Listeners try and fail; clues get clearer
• 03:40–07:15 – Humorous banter, more wrong guesses, Carrot Top discussion
• 07:16–08:45 – Callers get creative; stakes rise with donation promise; hosts drop more specific clues
• 08:45–09:55 – The correct answer is called in; hosts discuss Baryshnikov’s history and reputation
• 09:55–12:29 – Comedic deep dive into the final five, their “measurements” and relationships; decisions about sharing the final list on the site

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Style, Tone, and Takeaway

• The Bert Show’s playful, irreverent humor is on full display: teasing, oversharing, and delight in scandalous trivia.
• The segment is fast-paced and interactive, built on the community’s ongoing obsession with solving the riddle.
• The payoff for loyal listeners is strong—finally closing a running joke after many days (or weeks) and cementing the show’s reputation as morning radio that doesn’t take itself too seriously.

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Takeaway

This episode delivers vintage Bert Show: a silly, adult trivia chase that leverages listener participation, cast chemistry, and a shared sense of fun. The grand reveal of Mikhail Baryshnikov as the “missing fifth” brings closure and plenty of laughs, seasoned with cheeky commentary and memorable quips from hosts and callers alike. If you ever needed proof morning radio can be both community-driven and just a little bit risqué, this one’s a keeper.

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The Final List (Spoiler!)

1. Eddie Murphy
2. David Letterman
3. Harrison Ford
4. Don Johnson
5. Mikhail Baryshnikov

Transcript

[Burt]

The Burt Show. These five celebrities are known as the best hung in entertainment. We call this all or nothing trivia. You have to call up with all five answers. If you don't have all five right, we'll tell you how many you got right. We just won't tell you which ones. Start to see a pattern starting to form. We have to get this right today. We absolutely must.

[Jen]

Please.

[Melissa]

Somebody is driving me crazy.

[Jeff]

Stop the madness, people.

[Burt]

Jennifer, you get the first crack at it.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Burt]

All right.

[Caller]

See David Letterman, Eddie Murphy, Harrison Ford, Don Johnson, and Ron Jeremy.

[Burt]

Ron Jeremy is not right.

[Jen]

And has been guest before.

[Burt]

And has been guest before. Yes.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Burt]

Thank you.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Burt]

All right, let's take a look at some of the clues here. All right. Over 40. Over 40, we've said he's gotta be over 40.

[Jen]

Still alive.

[Burt]

Still alive. White dude.

[Jen]

White dude.

[Burt]

And you know him, you probably know him as an actor, but he was certainly something in the entertainment world before he was an actor that made him a celebrity.

[Melissa]

All right, and the big clue you gave on Friday was that he starred in Sex and the City.

[Jen]

Did you say you starred in the City?

[Melissa]

I said he was on. I said he was on Sex in the City.

[Burt]

Sex and the City. Okay.

[Jeff]

Have you confirmed or denied your guess yet?

[Melissa]

No.

[Burt]

Good morning, Randall.

[Caller]

Yes, I know this.

[Burt]

Let's put an end to it.

[Caller]

All right, I've got Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson, Harrison Ford, David Letterman, and Jon Bon Jovi.

[Burt]

Jon Bon Jovi? Is he on Sex and the City? Yep. Was.

[Melissa]

He was Carrie's boyfriend.

[Burt]

You got four of five.

[Caller]

Darn it, 405.

[Jen]

Was that your guess?

[Melissa]

That was my guess.

[Jeff]

That was hobbies.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Burt]

All right.

[Jeff]

What?

[Jen]

I will write down my guess. I have a new guess.

[Jeff]

What was that your second one?

[Jen]

No. Oh.

[Burt]

I'm curious what your guess is.

[Jen]

I can't spell his name.

[Burt]

Okay, then you got it.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Burt]

Good morning, Liz. You're on the vert show.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Hi. Hi.

[Caller]

I think it's Eddie Murphy, David Letterman, Harrison Ford, Don Johnson, and John o'. Hurley.

[Melissa]

Dancing with the Stars.

[Jeff]

Dude, Jay Peterman's got a big pose.

[Melissa]

Ye.

[Burt]

Was he on Sex and the City?

[Caller]

He guest starred on there.

[Burt]

He did?

[Caller]

I think so.

[Burt]

Okay, well, you got four or five.

[Caller]

Oh, thank you.

[Melissa]

All right, bye.

[Burt]

Bye. You guys remember him on that show?

[Melissa]

I don't remember him on Sex and the City, but I know who Jonah Hurley is.

[Burt]

Good morning, Ray.

[Caller]

How are you doing?

[Burt]

All right, and you?

[Caller]

Not too bad.

[Burt]

All right, these five celebrities are known as the best hung in entertainment.

[Caller]

Okay. Eddie Murphy. Don Johnson, Harrison Ford, David Letterman and Carrot Top.

[Melissa]

Carrot Topp.

[Jeff]

With Carrot Top on Sex and Suit.

[Caller]

I know him.

Um, not sure. Just a guess.

[Burt]

Um, I'm not sure if he was on Sex and the City also.

[Jeff]

Well, he's been guessed before anyways.

[Burt]

Yeah. 405.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Burt]

That sucks when you're a celebrity and someone says your name and you.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Not in a Will Ferrell kind of way, but in a. Ooh.

[Jen]

But you know what's worse is if somebody said who. So it's better be left at than you know.

[Burt]

Did you say you know him?

[Melissa]

Yeah, I've met him before. My husband's friends with him.

[Burt]

Is friends with Carrot Top.

[Jen]

Mm.

[Burt]

Does he tell a lot of people that?

[Jen]

Yeah, I mean, funny how this is the first time ever mentioned this, Jen.

[Melissa]

We went to a show in Vegas and I got to meet him and stuff.

[Burt]

Was he a cool dude?

[Melissa]

Yeah, he's nice. His name's Scott. He's like a normal dude.

[Burt]

You see how buffed out he is.

[Jeff]

Now, Jen, like Cameron Crowe knows you. That's cool.

[Melissa]

Don't admit carrot tap.

[Burt]

Right?

[Jeff]

Let the carrot tap thing go like you're over here like. Yeah, dude, I know carrot tap. Seriously, that's like knowing the fifth Baldwin brother. Yeah, yeah, I know Scooter Baldwin.

[Jen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Burt]

You won't get a lot of people going. No, you don't.

[Melissa]

Right?

[Burt]

This is like the celebrity bell curve. You just forget Cameron Crowe if you got Carrot Top on there.

[Melissa]

No, no, no. Let's not forget Cameron Crowe.

[Jeff]

Yeah, keep Cameron Crow. Let Cameron.

[Melissa]

We'll keep Cameron and Nancy.

[Burt]

404-741-1005 these five celebrities are known as the best hung in entertainment. Who are they? Good morning.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Hi, Kim.

[Caller]

Yes, hello.

[Jen]

How are y'? All?

[Burt]

With all these guesses and everything, for sure you have it right? Let's do this.

[Caller]

It's John Corbett.

[Burt]

It's John Corbett. No, it's not. 405.

[Jen]

Bye.

[Burt]

Bye.

[Melissa]

She's just guessing the wrong way. She's like I other four.

[Burt]

She's crowded. Everybody around. Like the radio at the office and stuff. Watching me get. Hey you.

[Jeff]

You guys want to hear me win?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

John Corbett I would believe though. Cuz he came in here and he's like 6 foot 9 or something.

[Burt]

He's lanky.

[Melissa]

He's going to. He's tall and buff too. He's not skinny.

[Burt]

Yeah, well, the buff thing doesn't do any. You know, you can't do anything for that. There's no curl you can do. No sit up. No Push up, or I would have been doing a million of them. Good morning, Kristen.

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Burt]

Hi.

[Caller]

Okay, I have Chris North, Harrison, Eddie Murphy, David Letterman, and Don Johnson.

[Burt]

What was the first one you said there?

[Caller]

Chris North.

[Jeff]

Chris North.

[Burt]

Nolf North. Chris North.

[Melissa]

Mr. Big.

[Caller]

Mr. Big.

[Burt]

They don't call him Mr. Big for nothing. Right, right. You got four of five.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Burt]

All right.

[Jen]

Let me ask.

[Melissa]

I need to ask Melissa a question.

[Burt]

Good morning, Dina.

[Caller]

Hey, Bert.

[Burt]

Hello, Dina. I thought we were gonna end this today.

[Caller]

I.

[Burt]

Come on.

[Caller]

I know it.

[Burt]

Come on, you know it. All right.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Caller]

Eddie Murphy, Harrison Ford, David Letterman, Don Johnson and Jackie Chan.

[Melissa]

Jackie Chan was on Sex in the City.

[Burt]

Come on, Jackie Chan.

[Caller]

You said he was short. And you said he was famous for something else.

[Burt]

Come on, we all know the stereotype. Jackie Chan can't be on that.

[Caller]

I think it's him.

[Burt]

Come on.

[Caller]

Come on, Burt.

[Burt]

You're just joking, right?

[Caller]

No. Well, yeah, I am.

[Jeff]

I have one other.

[Burt]

You want me to go for it?

[Jen]

You just.

[Melissa]

Dina are singing tone.

[Caller]

Yes, it is.

[Melissa]

I didn't recognize your voice.

[Jen]

You can't win.

[Melissa]

You're, like, almost an employee.

[Burt]

Yeah. You're family now.

[Caller]

Well, shoot. Could I give it to my sister?

[Jen]

Have her call back in.

[Burt]

Have her call. It was an awful guest.

[Melissa]

Watch out. We might put a much on her.

[Caller]

Short men. You know, you never know, Bert.

[Jen]

Well, I think Bert knows.

[Burt]

Yeah. Yes, I do.

[Caller]

Have a good day.

[Jen]

Bye.

[Burt]

Bye. Jackie Chan was never on Sex in the City, was he?

[Melissa]

I don't think so.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Do you remember the scene where it was him and Chris Tucker and they were beating up the four girls like.

[Burt]

No, No. I really thought we. I thought we were getting a winner today. Good morning, Sean.

[Caller]

Hey, I got this, guys.

[Jen]

All right.

[Caller]

Come on, Sean.

If I don't got it, I'm giving birt big adventure $250.

[Burt]

All right, all right.

[Caller]

Letterman, Harrison Ford, Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson and Huey Le.

[Burt]

Well, Burt's Big Adventure thanks you for the $250 check.

[Caller]

You gotta be kidding me.

[Burt]

No.

[Caller]

All right, all right. I will get. Put the person back on. I'll give him my credit card and pay the 250.

[Burt]

All right. I will definitely put you on hold. Thank you for the donation.

[Melissa]

Huey Lewis was on Sex and the City, though. He was right.

[Burt]

Was he?

[Jeff]

I remember.

[Melissa]

I think he guest starred in it. And I can't remember where, but I feel like he did.

[Burt]

This guy was certainly a bigger guest star in Sex and the City than Huey Lewis was. For sure.

[Jen]

Good clue.

[Melissa]

Good clue.

[Burt]

All right. For sure.

[Jeff]

Do you Know who it is, man.

[Jen]

Got it.

[Jeff]

Do you know who it is?

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Burt]

I would listen to Jen, like, she's.

[Jeff]

Like, yeah, I know, Carrot Top. I'm like, do you know who it is?

[Burt]

She's like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jeff]

It could be nine days, but, yeah, seriously, I knew it. Like last Monday when we started it.

[Melissa]

I knew it when Melissa did the light bulb in her head and said something when she was gonna go write it down. That's when.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

And I think that was the big.

[Jen]

Clue in my mumble. I gave a clue.

[Melissa]

Yeah, a big clue.

[Burt]

I'll give you this is. He was.

[Melissa]

No, don't.

[Jen]

No way.

[Melissa]

Hush. Now that I know, I want people to guess wrong.

[Burt]

Good morning, Ken.

[Jeff]

She'll get caretapped and beat your ass.

[Caller]

Hey, Ken, is it? Hello?

[Jen]

Hello?

[Caller]

Hey, it's Tim.

[Burt]

Oh, Tim. Okay. What's up?

[Caller]

Hey.

Are you guys ready to end this?

[Burt]

Yes. I hope so.

[Jen]

Come on.

[Burt]

Yes.

[Caller]

Eddie Murphy, David Letterman, Harrison Ford, Don Johnson, and Mikhail Baryshnikov.

[Burt]

Who is Mikhail Baryshnikov?

[Caller]

I honestly don't know. He was a dancer before going on sexual in the City.

[Burt]

All right. Is he over 40?

[Caller]

Of course he is.

[Burt]

And who was he in Sex and the City?

[Caller]

I have no clue.

[Burt]

Could he be Carrie's love interest that she went over to Paris with?

[Caller]

If you say so.

[Jen]

All right.

[Burt]

Yes. It's over.

[Jen]

And the reason that the light bulb popped in my mind is because I honestly had a poster of him in my room. Somebody gave it to me as a gift when I was in, like, elementary school or something, because he was like, I mean, one of the most famous dancers ever. So he wasn't just a dancer. He was, I mean, big time. And so I had him in my room. And I remember my mother making a. Cause obviously I wasn't paying that much attention. My mother making a comment because he was in the ballet tights, and my mother made a comment about his package.

[Burt]

It was rolled up four or five different times.

[Jen]

It was like a nice roll up.

[Jeff]

That's why he went in to dance. Just so he could wear those tights.

[Caller]

And be okay with it.

[Melissa]

I mean, it's.

[Jen]

Yeah, the whole world knew.

[Melissa]

He was like, go ahead, question my man. Right, Exactly.

[Burt]

Now, I don't have his biography or anything here in front of me, but I remember him doing a movie with, like, Gregory Hines back in the White Knights. White Knights, Okay. And he was sex in. In the Sex in the City. And he was Carrie's love interest. She goes to Paris with dude, then Big comes and basically Gets her back. All right, so yes, Mikhail Baryshnikov was number five. Okay. Damn.

[Caller]

Awesome.

[Melissa]

All right.

[Caller]

I didn't know I was still on.

[Burt]

Yeah, hold on one second. All right, Jeff, tell him what he's won.

[Jeff]

$250 to spend at Buckhead Life Restaurant Group. You can go to Keema or Blue Point Lobster Bar, Buckhead Diner. You pick it. Venny Vid, cheap, pre cheap. Hannah's and Paul's, wherever you want to go. Atlanta Fish Market. We're going to take care of you. It's like a debit card. And you can recharge that as many times as you want.

[Caller]

Awesome.

[Burt]

All right, Tim, hold on. Congratulations.

[Caller]

Thanks a lot, guys.

[Burt]

All right, once again, here's your list with some description. Okay.

[Jen]

Oh, no description. Yeah, we get measurements.

[Burt]

You get measurements.

[Melissa]

All right.

[Burt]

All right, we start off with Eddie Murphy. All right. As legend has it, eight to nine. Okay. David Letterman, the popular host of late night television, has been reported to be an impressive nine or better.

[Melissa]

Wow.

[Burt]

Yeah. Don Johnson says, one look at the phallus that made Miami Vice a primetime staple and you can see why. Melanie Griffin married him twice. Harrison Ford. A female reader reports that star of the Indiana Jones series, the Star wars trilogy and the Fugitive is tremendously, tremendously two tremendously's hung.

[Melissa]

Well, he married that 24 year old. Now we know why she married him.

[Jen]

Right? And Mikhail Baryshnikov, he's with old skinny chicken.

[Melissa]

Oh, Calista Flockart. Who am I thinking of then that married the young girl.

[Jen]

He's breaking her.

[Burt]

Yes, think of it.

[Jeff]

Oh, Nicolas Cage. No, with the sushi girl.

[Melissa]

Her name was Christina or something. Shoot, I kid him.

[Jen]

Well, somebody that's not as well hung as Harrison Ford.

[Burt]

Think of the damage he's doing to her.

[Melissa]

I know.

[Jen]

She can't say. She's a little thing.

[Burt]

Oh my goodness.

[Melissa]

Kevin Costner is who I was thinking of. I always confuse the two of them.

[Burt]

And Mikhail Baryshnikov taps out over nine and a half.

[Jen]

Okay, so he did. Yeah, he has to tie it in a knot when he gets in those valley tights.

[Burt]

Those tights, pretty much. All right, we'll put this whole list up on our website. Cause I know you guys are gonna email. Cause a lot of you probably couldn't listen like this. Half an hour. And we'll be calling later on today. So we'll put it up on the email.

[Jeff]

I don't think you should ever put it up on the website just so.

[Burt]

People will ask all the time.

[Melissa]

I think you could only put up four.

[Jeff]

You only put up the let's open.

[Burt]

Up the last one and then leave.

[Jeff]

The last one blank. Because I think the people who stuck around gave us 30 minutes a day every day for the past 11 months or however long this has been going on.

[Burt]

All right.

[Jeff]

I think those people have earned the answer and the rest of the people F them.

[Burt]

All right. Then, before we put up our Eddie Murphy, David Letterman, Don Johnson and Harrison Ford. But you listening now also know that Mikhail Baryshnikov was the fifth.

[Jeff]

Or what if you put up the original four and then like for the fifth one, you put somebody random, like Gordon from Sesame street or something like that.

[Burt]

Webster. Yeah, the real five. Michael Kale, Baryshnikov, Harrison Ford, Don Johnson, David Letterman and Eddie Murphy. The Bird Show.