Vault: Another Round Of "Am I Normal?"

Summary

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The Bert Show – "Vault: Another Round Of 'Am I Normal?'"

Podcast: The Bert Show
Episode Date: January 6, 2026
Host: (Referred to as "Birch" in episode) and The Bert Show Team
Summary by: Expert Podcast Summarizer

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives headlong into the perennial question: “Am I Normal?” With a blend of humor, honesty, and genuine curiosity, the team opens the phone lines for listeners to share their quirkiest, most private habits and oddball routines. The show’s goal? To remind everyone that “normal” is a far stranger and broader category than we tend to think.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Show Introduction & Concept (01:32)

• The host introduces the “Am I Normal?” segment. It’s a favorite on the show where both hosts and listeners confess personal quirks for affirmation or gentle ribbing.
• Birch kicks things off by revisiting his own weird behavior: watching his pupils dilate in the mirror (“I think it’s really cool to watch my own eyes dilate.” – Birch, 01:39).

2. Listeners Share Their "Freaky" Habits (02:10 – 02:48)

• The phones light up with listeners eager to confess:
  • Post-shower naked dance/celebrity interviews: (“I just start naked dancing. I pretend I’m a star, and I interview myself…” — Caller, 02:11)
  • Lottery reactions rehearsal
  • Wearing the wedding dress for fun, years after the wedding
  • Food critic roleplay while eating
  • Reenacting great movie lines in the bathroom
  • Self-tying up for ‘damsel in distress’ games

3. Is Kissing Family Members on the Lips "Normal"? (03:13 – 04:21)

• Producer Tracy shares how her boyfriend Scott called her family “freaks” for kissing on the lips (03:13).
  • “You kiss your family on the lips?... That’s weird.” – Scott (quoted by Tracy, 03:20)
• The team is split—some insist it’s completely normal, especially for parents and kids, while others are baffled by the habit as adults.
  • “So as an adult, you still kiss your dad on the lips?” – Birch (04:02)
  • “Yeah, and my mom and my little brother and my sister…” – Tracy (04:04)
• The mood remains playful but probing. There’s agreement that everyone has different boundaries, and “normal” is contextual.

4. Odd Family Traditions and TV Quirks (05:30 – 07:01)

• One listener calls to admit her family robot dances every time the Law & Order theme plays (05:33).
  • “We stop, we pause, and we do the robot. Seriously. And even my 3 year old…” – Caller (05:38)
• Another listener and her daughter (who are African American) unabashedly quote "Napoleon Dynamite" in public. (“I mean, I’m like 35 and should grow up, and me and my daughter, we will talk this way…” — Caller, 06:21).
  • The hosts delight in the harmless absurdity. “The Law and Order robot thing is way more normal than an African American watching Napoleon only in dynamite and quoting it.” – Birch (06:54)

5. Bathroom Rituals and Excitement (07:10 – 07:57)

• A listener gets excited by being first to use a freshly cleaned public bathroom:
  • “I open the door and sweep with my hand and say, ‘Ah, the fabled up toilet seat!’” – Caller, Elizabeth (07:14)
  • Other female hosts agree—being the first user feels like winning a prize.

6. Everyday Fantasies & Role Play (08:09 – 09:02)

• Birch admits narrating imaginary car races against other drivers at intersections (08:09).
  • “I kinda have like a sportscaster in my mind doing a play by play…” – Birch (08:09)
• Another co-host confesses pretending to run from cops in traffic, even making a getaway into their garage (08:25).

7. Imaginary Acceptance Speeches & Quirks (09:08 – 10:36)

• Allison regularly acts out Oscar acceptance speeches—complete with tears (09:09).
  • “Whenever there’s an award show on, I get up and I accept my Best Actress award…and I get emotional, I cry my eyes out…” – Allison (09:09)
  • She obliges the hosts with her speech on air, giving a hilariously sincere performance.
• In a quick-fire round, more oddities emerge:
  • Toenail sniffing after clipping – Chris (10:55)
  • Having celebrity imaginary friends – Renee. Her husband once caught her “talking to Ben Affleck” (11:08).

8. Final Thoughts: We're All a Little Weird (11:42 – 11:54)

• The hosts reflect on the confessions with warmth and acceptance.
  • “We all sit and worry and wonder if we are normal or not.” – Co-host (11:45)
  • “Yeah. You know what? We’re all screwed up…it’s just different, you know, levels of screwed up.” – Birch (11:49)
  • The underlying message: quirks make us human, and sharing them brings us together.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Quirk Affirmation:
  “There’s great comfort in knowing that other people do the same things.” – Birch (01:35)
• On Family Kissing Norms:
  “It’s just a little sign of affection. It’s like giving them a hug or a kiss on the cheek…but with your family, you kiss on the lips.” – Tracy (04:14)
• On Award Show Fantasies:
  “My family and my dog’s there. And, you know, I thank my dog for being such a wonderful dog.” – Allison (09:26)
• On Universal Weirdness:
  “You know what? We’re all screwed up…it’s just different, you know, levels of screwed up. But everybody’s screwed up.” – Birch (11:49)

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Segment Timestamps

• Introduction to “Am I Normal?” – 01:32
• Listening sharing quirky habits – 02:10
• Kissing family members on the lips – 03:13
• Law & Order theme family robot dance – 05:33
• Bathroom rituals – 07:14
• Imaginary car race narration – 08:09
• Fake Oscar speeches – 09:09
• Toenail sniffing and imaginary celebrity friends – 10:55
• Wrap-up: “We’re all screwed up” – 11:49

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Tone & Style

The episode is lively, candid, and full of friendly banter. The hosts create a supportive, judgment-free zone where listeners feel comfortable sharing everything from harmless eccentricities to genuine oddities. The takeaway: there’s no such thing as “normal”—we’re all weird, and that’s something to be celebrated.

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Transcript

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[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Get it the Birch show hey, from time to time on the show we do this thing called Am I Normal? Because we all do really freaky things in like the privacy of our own homes. And there's great comfort in knowing that other people do the same things. Like I think I came in here one day and I started it off by saying that sometimes I'll stare in the mirror and I'll try to shift from one eye to the other to see my pupils dilate just for no reason at all. Except I think it's really cool to watch my own eyes dilate. And I was wondering if that was normal. And a whole bunch of people called up and said yeah, I do that too. And then we got a whole bunch of calls like these.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

Every time I get out of the shower I'm Totally naked. I'm drying off, and I just start naked dancing. I pretend I'm a star, and I interview myself and answer my own questions. Does anybody practice how they're gonna react when they hit the lottery? I've been married for three years, but I still play in my wedding dress like it's my wedd. When I take something to eat, I pretend I'm an own food critic. One thing that I love to do is when I hear a really good line in a television show or on a movie, I'll excuse myself and go to the bathroom and then reenact that line over and over in the mirror until I get it perfect. I usually tie myself up and play like a damsel in distress.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

Do you rescue yourself, too?

Yeah.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

All right, so if you do one of these kind of freaky things and you want confirmation on it, and you feel like revealing a little bit about yourself this morning, you can call us now, 404-74110, and ask us if you're normal or not. But the reason why we're even doing it this morning is because producer Tracy, who we can already answer the question no. Has one of these going on her life right now.

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

Well, the other day, Scott and I.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

Were in the car.

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

We've been together for three years now, and he has labeled me and my family complete freaks.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

No.

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

And then I started thinking about it, and maybe we are. We were coming home from Easter dinner the other night, and he said, you kiss your family on the lips? And I said, yeah. And he's like, that's weird. And I'm like, no, it's not. And he said, yes, it is. He's like, that's weird. He's like, I've never kissed my family on the lips. And then I started thinking, oh, my God, what if it is weird? And what if my family thinks it's weird and I just go for the lips and they're too embarrassed to tell me? Why are you kissing me on the lips?

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Yeah. I gotta be honest with you. It seems a little weird to me. Yeah. I've never kissed my dad or my mom on the lips.

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

I don't think it's weird.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

No. You kiss your dad?

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

I kiss my dad and my mom on the lips. Really?

[Co-host or Sidekick]

Yeah. I used to. I mean, not as an adult, but as a kid. I did, but not as an adult.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

So as an adult, you still kiss your dad on the lips?

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

Yeah, and my mom and my little brother and my sister and my little nephew. Like, I. Yeah.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

And I don't tongue no.

[Blue Apron Announcer]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

There's nothing sexual about it. It's just a little sign of affection. It's just like giving them a hug or a kiss on the cheek. But with your family, you kiss on the lips.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

But what can you get from the lips that you can't get from the cheek? If you're kissing, it's an adult.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

Or from a firm handshake.

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

It's just always been that way.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Or just a wave from afar or a high.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

And you know, you are normal, Tracy, because, I mean, and God bless our listeners, but there's listeners that will do that to random strangers. Like, there are listeners that have come up to me, expect, like, people that I know. Not total strangers, but people I've seen several times to the point that we hug and they want to go for the lips to say hello. And I give. You got to kiss me on the cheek. I don't kiss anybody on the lips as an adult unless I'm with them.

Do you have. Save that. Do you have a. Like, will you stop someone if they're going for your lips?

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

I just turn. Yeah, you give them the cheek.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

I turn. I mean, I pulled out.

And what if they turned with you?

Huh?

What if they turned with you?

Well, then they turn with me, but you're not kissing me on the lips.

Cause I think we need to send Phil out with somebody on the show to an event where all their friends are gonna be at and introduce him. And Phil is the guy who does not. Who will only kiss on the lips and will walk circles around you to get to your. Like, you'll either get whiplash and hurt your neck or. Or he will kiss you on the lips. And the kiss has to be a little too long. Hey, Tracy, even the guys.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Hey, you have a question of if you're normal or not.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

I know it's not normal. My family and I, whenever law and order comes on, you know that doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom. That part. Yeah, we all do the robot. Oh, God. I know it's not normal if someone is in the bathroom, if someone is doing dishes, if someone is getting ready for bed, it does not matter. We stop, we pause, and we do the vote. Seriously. And even my 3 year old. Oh, God, it's not normal. I know it's not. And my. Well, I would say probably since he was about a year old, he is three years old now, and he does it, too. And he says robot, robot through the whole thing. And it's very. We take it very serious.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

But it's only the law in order Theme.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

It's only, oh, God, it's so weird. And then also, we use a lot of Napoleon dynamite phrases. Yeah, I know it's not normal. And I mean, I'm like 35 and I should grow up. And me and my daughter, we will, like, talk this way. She's 13 years old and we're African Americans, which I know is really not normal, but we'll talk this way in public. And I'll say, well, what do you feel like you do? I feel like what I want. Gosh. Oh, my God, your kid is so rude, you know? Yeah.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

The Law and Order robot thing is way more normal than an African American watching Napoleon only in dynamite and quoting it.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

We love it.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

That's okay. Bert quotes barbershop all the time. Booty call. He's all over that.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Good morning, Elizabeth. You're on all the hits. Q100. Are you normal?

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

Not so much. Okay. You know when you go in, like, a public restroom and they've just cleaned it? They put, well, it's a women's restroom, so they put the toilet seat is up. Well, I like, open the door and the switch sweep with my hand and say, ah, the fabled up toilet seat. And get really excited like, Jim sober.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

What?

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

The fabled up toilet seat.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

I don't know, it just. You like the movie voice, you know, the sweeping of the hand. You're like, ah, fabled up toilet seats.

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

I will say, though, I agree with her, that I do get really excited if I'm the first one into the women's bathroom and it's up from the night before because you know that you're the first one to use it for the day. There is a little excitement there. It's like, oh, I get a clean.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

Pot or a man just use your bathroom.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

I will say this, I still do this. That if. If I'm in an intersection and I am the first car in the intersection, I'm next to somebody else.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

Oh, you said this before.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

And the light is going from red to green. I kind of have like a sportscaster in my mind doing a play by play of me trying to beat the guy next to me to the end of the intersection. He's like, weiss is on the line. The competition today is heavy. He's next to it and he's offside throw.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

You know what? I forgot I do this all the time. But if I'm in traffic and like, I see I either pass a cop or there's a cop like six cars behind me who clearly has no interest in me, I Pretend I'm running from them. And, like, to the point that when I actually get to my street, you know, by now the cops turn and gone in a different direction, but to the point where I get to my street, like, I will gun it. I'll be going down my little cul de sac at like 50 miles an hour. I'll whip the car into the driveway. I'll open the garage door. I will get in the garage door and shut the garage door, and then sit there for a moment to make sure the cop isn't behind me.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Allison, are you normal? Alison, I picked up the wrong line. Allison, Good morning.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

Hi.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Hi.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

Whenever there's an award show on, I get up and I accept my Best Actress award. And I have the same speech, and I get emotional. I cry my eyes out when I'm thinking my family and my dog's there. And, you know, I thank my dog for being such a wonderful dog.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

Can you give us the speech right now?

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

I want to hear it.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

All right. Well, my sister's listening, so I hope she at least, you know.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

Well, you better thank her.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

Appreciates it.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

I, you know, of course, I'd like to thank the Academy, and, you know, I go on, you know, thanking my agents and things, and then.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

No, no, no, we want you to do it.

You just got the Oscar, so do.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

It as though there's nobody around.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

The Academy Award. I would like to thank the Academy, or if it's the Golden Globe, the Hollywood Foreign Press, and I would like to thank my agents for believing in me and giving me this opportunity. And, you know, my husband, I love you so dearly. Thank you so much for taking a chance and marrying me and staying with me through my crazy days. And to my family, I would love to thank my father, who, you know, has seen me through the toughest. You're making me cry. The toughest times. And, you know, I'll never forget that day that you left me in that Minnesota airport and said I had to go. And, you know what I'm talking about, Daddy and my mom and my sister who have supported me when I was. When I was just down and out and, you know, just the worst times. And you never left my side, and you always believed in me. I love you all. Thank you so much.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Very good. Very good.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

I was waiting for Bert to start playing music.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

I couldn't find any. Thank you for coming.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

By the way, Tracy, you're not weird for kissing your family on the mouth.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

Thank you.

Says the woman who gives award speeches at the television.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Hey, Chris. You're on all the hits. Q100I.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

When I clip my toenails, I sniff them.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Oh, really?

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

I'm not the only one that does this either. I've heard of other people doing it.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

It's nasty. And Renee, you're in all the hits. Q100.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

Yeah. I have imaginary friends. Pretty much whenever I get a chance alone, I have conversations with, like, Ben Affleck and things like that. I've actually had my husband catch me doing this.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

So they're celebrity imaginary friends, or are they just random named people?

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

No, celebrity imaginary friends.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

I want to know the story of your husband catching you. Who were you talking to?

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

I was talking to Ben Affleck, and he's like, who the hell is Ben? I'm like. And I didn't know what to say. I was so embarrassed because I only do it when I'm alone.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

I love human nature. I love human nature. I love that.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

And we all sit and worry and wonder if we are normal or not.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

Yeah. You know what? We're all screwed up.

[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

It's just different, you know, levels of screwed up. But everybody's screwed up.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

You can take some comfort in that.

[Co-host or Sidekick]

Get it?

[Host (possibly named Birch)]

The Birch Show.

[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

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[Caller/Guest or Co-host]

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[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

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[Caller/Guest sharing personal stories]

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