Vault: Are you a bad kisser?

Summary

The Bert Show – "Vault: Are You a Bad Kisser?"

Original Air Date: June 18, 2026
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and listeners
Episode Theme:
The Bert Show dives into the oft-awkward but hilarious world of bad kissing: sharing personal experiences, listener stories, and reflections on just what makes a kiss go wrong. The goal? To entertain — and maybe help listeners realize if they have some room to up their lip game.

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Episode Overview

This lively segment explores the crucial — and sometimes catastrophic — first kiss, unpacks infamous bad kissing "techniques," and solicits stories from callers to help identify what not to do. The cast keeps things candid and comedic, hoping to save listeners (and their partners) future lip-locking disasters.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Kissing Matters

• [01:32] Host: "The first kiss or any kiss. Really important. Major, major, important. I think it makes a statement as to what's about to happen."
• Kiss quality is framed as a dealbreaker: it can shape or end relationships fast.

2. Common "Bad Kisser" Types

• The Slobberer:
  • "Just too much. It's just all over the place. Like, you're like, gotta wipe your mouth with, like, a washcloth or towel after you're done. That's gross." – Co-host 1 ([02:09])
• The Lizard:
  • "He's the guy that just kind of dashes the tongue in and out. Right?" – Host ([02:19])
  • The crew jokes that guys often get terrible advice about what’s “hot” from other guys in middle school and then stick with it for years.
• The Aggressive Eater:
  • "Full mouth open to where their lips are on your cheeks ... like you're eating a burger." – Co-host 3 ([04:10], [04:43])
• The Dead Fish:
  • "He would, like, stick his tongue in my mouth and let it lay like a dead slug on the bottom of my mouth." – Caller Allison ([07:48])

3. Everyone Can Be Guilty

• It's not just the guys! Co-hosts and callers recount bad experiences with female kissers too, such as the "tongue flexer."

4. Listener Call-ins: Real-Life Fails

• Slobber Disaster

  • "My entire face was dripping in thick." – Caller Simone ([04:54])

• Aggressive Face-Sucker

  • "He tried to, like, suck my entire face into his mouth ... like he was checking my teeth for fillings with his tongue." – Caller Megan ([06:01])

• The Non-Mover

  • "Just not move his lips at all, but just his tongue ... It's like, you gotta move those too." – Co-host 1 ([07:02])

• The Slug Tongue

  • "He would stick his tongue in my mouth and let it lay like a dead slug ... finally one day, I bit his tongue really hard." – Caller Allison ([07:48])

• Mixing Bowl Guy

  • "Whoa, slow down. Like a mixing bowl." – Host ([08:47])

• Hygiene Horror

  • "He had a goatee ... apparently it had, like, a hot dog with mustard ... when he kissed me, I was like, okay, that's enough." – Caller Autumn ([09:11])
  • Co-hosts joke: "It's called Flavored Floss." ([09:29])

• The Slobbery Tooth Lizard

  • "You know how ... your face is covered in spit and then the tongue is going everywhere, and there's teeth ... like they're biting you?" – Caller Sonya ([09:52])

  • "Apparently somebody told him it was a turn-on to, like, blow in your mouth." ([10:23])

  • "I did that, too," confesses the Host ([10:38])

    • "That's not sexy. That's the way to save someone's life." – Co-host 2 ([10:48])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On terrible advice:
  • "The only time guys are talking about how to kiss with other guys are in eighth grade." – Co-host 2 ([02:50])
• On too much tongue:
  • "Checking my teeth for, like, fillings with his tongue." – Caller Megan ([06:01])
• On too little tongue:
  • "[He] let it lay like a dead slug in the bottom of my mouth." – Caller Allison ([07:48])
• On hygiene:
  • "He had a goatee ... with a hot dog and mustard still in there." – Caller Autumn ([09:11])
• On overcompensating:
  • "Apparently somebody told him it was a turn on to blow in your mouth." – Caller Sonya ([10:23])
  • "That's not a kissing video. That was CPR." – Co-host 1 ([10:51])

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Timestamps for Noteworthy Segments

• [01:32] Episode opens with why the first kiss is so important
• [02:09] Naming bad kissing types: Slobberer, Lizard
• [04:10] Co-host recounts the "snail trail" slobber kisser
• [04:54] Caller Simone: face drenched in saliva
• [06:01] Caller Megan: tongue checking for fillings
• [07:48] Caller Allison: "dead slug" tongue technique
• [09:11] Caller Autumn: discovers condiments in a goatee
• [09:52] Caller Sonya: "Slobbery Tooth Lizard" and unwanted mouth-blowing

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Key Advice (Intentional & Otherwise)

• Be aware (and gentle) — most bad kissing is about overdoing or underdoing something basic.
• No one likes the "dead fish" or the overaggressive "face-eater."
• Hygiene matters, especially facial hair.
• If you think a move is hot but consistently get bad reactions, maybe it's time to stop.
• Sometimes you just have to retrain your partner ... or, in rare cases, bite them.

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Tone and Style

Playful, honest, and packed with comical horror stories, The Bert Show tackles awkward intimacy so listeners can both cringe and laugh — and maybe learn to be better kissers in the process.

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Summary prepared for listeners seeking the most memorable moments, lessons, and laughs from this episode of The Bert Show.

Transcript

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Listen, it's the vert show.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Here's what we would like you to do. The first kiss or any kiss. Really important, Major, major, important. I think it makes a statement as to what's about to happen.

[Co-host 1]

Well, it could be a deal breaker.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

And the quality of what's about to happen. It could be a deal breaker.

[Co-host 2]

We've had people break up because their partners couldn't kiss.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Problem is that if you're a bad kisser, you probably don't know it. So here's what we would like to do today. This could go both ways. We can have guys and women call up. Chances are pretty good there's actually a name that you have in Your. Your head for the bad kisser. Like, I don't know. The slobberer.

[Co-host 1]

That's what I was gonna say.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Slobberer. Just too much.

[Co-host 1]

It's just all over the place. Like, you're like, gotta wipe your mouth with, like, a washcloth or towel after you're done. That's gross. How about the lizard? I haven't had the lizard.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

He's the guy that just kind of dashes the tongue in and out. Right? Here's what we would like you to do. Call us right now and tell us about the worst kiss you ever had for 404741, Q100. And we're gonna ask you to describe it for us. And with any luck at all, somebody listening will go, oh, my God, I do that. Cause they think it's a hot move. Like the lizard guy, the darting guy with the tongue in and out of the mouth. He thinks that chicks are digging it.

[Co-host 3]

It's probably a guy that told him that's how you do it. Like, I think guys are really bad about giving each other advice. And if it's bad advice, then, you know.

[Co-host 2]

And the only time guys are talking about how to kiss with other guys are in eighth grade. So that should.

[Co-host 1]

That's the only time you've ever gotten

[Co-host 3]

advice on it, and you continue it on until your 20s and 30s, because

[Co-host 2]

the guy thinks that's right. Yeah, totally. What are you talking about? That's what Justin Sterdo told me to do.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Now, this can go both ways, though, because there are some women that you guys think that you're fantastic kissers also, and not at all. Well, I told you guys off the air about the kiss with Leanne Bryan.

[Co-host 2]

Who? Lindsey Bryan?

[Host (possibly lead host)]

No, Leanne Bryan. Back in the day. I'm not sure how to phrase this, but. But she. She flexed her tongue so much in my mouth.

[Co-host 1]

Oh, no.

[Co-host 3]

Are you gonna describe it the way you describe it?

[Host (possibly lead host)]

But I am.

[Co-host 2]

Wait, you have to, though. I didn't hear the description.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

There's no way to do it without us getting in trouble. She just inserted her tongue into my mouth and flexed as hard as she could, which made me think that.

[Co-host 2]

Hey.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Right.

[Co-host 3]

Yes, he described it. I laughed out loud.

[Co-host 2]

That you're in a prison flick.

[Co-host 1]

Yes.

[Co-host 3]

Well, there's two that come to mind for me. The slobber for sure. Because I told you the story about the guy. You know, because. Yes, I dated guys in high school and college, and. Oh, I mean, he just. He slobbered all over my face and my ears and my neck and it

[Host (possibly lead host)]

just literally had slobbering.

[Co-host 3]

It was like snail trail all over my head, my face and my neck. It was so nasty. And then the other. The other one is the aggressive move of your. I'm the type of kisser that there's an on ramp. Like, there's an on ramp into the interstate. So you start off slow, and then it can get passionate. But the people that aggressively like, full mouth open to where their lips are on your cheeks where you're not ready for them to eat your face. And that whole thing, to me is a total turn off, too.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

All right, so too open guy.

[Co-host 3]

Too open guy. Yeah, don't.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

It's like you're diving into a cave.

[Co-host 3]

Yeah, don't. Yeah, exactly. Don't come at me like you're eating a burger.

[Co-host 2]

Okay,

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Simone. Okay. The worst kiss. Can guys learn from the worst kiss you ever had?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, gosh. Good morning, bird show. I feel so bad even sharing this with you, and I hope that he's not listening, but I like this guy so much. And we were just so great together, and we finally got ready to have a kiss, and my entire face was dripping in thick.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Yeah, that's the one that keeps coming in.

[Caller/Guest]

Absolutely was horrible. And we broke up.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Like, is that a medical thing where it's just some dudes have, like, overworked Salivarin. Salivary salv.

[Co-host 2]

Salivary glands.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Salivary glands.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't know any better. We were young, but. Oh, God, it was horrible.

[Co-host 3]

It's not hot on your face?

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Where is that hot? There. Melissa.

[Co-host 1]

Well, dang, I'm moving slowly today. That took me a second. I was like, oh, dang.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Hey, Megan. Good morning.

[Caller/Guest]

Morning.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Good morning. How are you?

[Caller/Guest]

Great. How are you guys?

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Good. How are you?

[Caller/Guest]

I love. First of all, I love you guys show. I listen to you every morning.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Thank you.

[Caller/Guest]

There was this guy that I. We actually dated for, like, five years. I had to, like, retrain him. It was horrible. Our first kiss, he tried to, like, suck my entire face into his mouth. And then, like, I don't know if he was, like, checking my teeth for, like, fillings with his tongue, but it was like he was, like, going all over every one of my teeth with his tongue. Horrible.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

So he was, like, brushing your teeth with his tongue?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Like, I, like, had to, like, put my hands on his chest and, like, push him off me. I was like, didn't know.

[Co-host 3]

I've had that happen.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Really? Well, he's running his tongue over all your teeth.

[Co-host 3]

Really? Yes. Between the gum and the teeth.

[Co-host 2]

That seems weird.

[Co-host 3]

I'm so confused.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Hell are you doing, dude?

[Co-host 1]

Guys need to master their tongue. Like, seriously, because don't touch my tonsils, either, because I don't know that in the back of my throat. You ever had a guy, though, just not move his lips at all, but just his tongue? Like, his lips, like, stay put. It's like, you got to move those, too. Like, I just stood there.

[Bluff]

Seriously.

[Co-host 2]

So wait.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Like, a perfect O.

[Co-host 1]

And then he just sort of stayed put and then was like, oh, but they're.

[Co-host 2]

But they're moving. The tongue.

[Co-host 1]

Like, the mouth just is stationary. That was bad. But the worst one was, it was in college, and he swallowed my head. I think he was, like, opened his mouth as far as he possibly could. Was, like, swallowing my face and then, like, reaching for my tonsils with his tongue. It was aggressive. Guys, back off far enough. And it was not nice.

[Co-host 3]

Yeah. Gentle, gentle.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Hey, Allison. Good morning. You're on the Birch Show.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, how are you guys doing?

[Host (possibly lead host)]

We're good. Okay. We're hoping that if you describe the worst kiss you ever had, that there are some dudes listening right now that will go, guilty.

[Caller/Guest]

So, because it was horrible. I dated a guy, and I dated him. I had to retrain him, too, for, like, two years, and I actually had to bite him to get him to stop. He would, like, stick his tongue in my mouth and let it lay like a dead slug on the bottom of my mouth. He would not move it, and he would not take it out. I was literally, like. At first, I would just, like, pull my head back, and then I got irritated, would push his back, and finally one day, I bit his tongue really hard.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Oh, God.

[Co-host 1]

Oh, no, you did not. I can't believe you kept kissing him after that.

[Caller/Guest]

He's a really nice guy, and I thought, well, because he hadn't dated that many girls, that maybe, you know, the whole eighth grade thing, just him and his friends never talked about it.

[Co-host 1]

Hilarious.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Now, this goes the other way also. You had a dude that just sort of laid his tongue in your mouth. There is the two fats in the

[Caller/Guest]

bottom of my mouth. He would, like. If his hands got occupied or his mind wandered. I don't know what was going on.

[Co-host 2]

Forget that his tongue was there.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Tongue add.

[Co-host 3]

I can only do one thing at a time.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

It goes the other way also, where it can be too fast, too. Like, you got to.

[Co-host 1]

You can't do too fast.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Whoa, slow down. Like a mixing bowl.

[Co-host 1]

You're not trying to whip cream right now.

[Co-host 2]

You know what? As a blender, as a customer Service. I think Melissa should make out with

[Co-host 1]

Wendy and videotape it.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Hey.

[Co-host 2]

All right.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Good morning. You're on Q100, eighth grade. She's just Autumn. Go ahead.

[Co-host 2]

All right.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey. I just wanted to say that I had a guy. We were good friends, and it's not necessarily a technique thing, more of a hygiene thing. And he had a goatee. And apparently it had, like, a hot dog with mustard, and it was filled in here. When he kissed me, I was like, okay, that's enough.

[Co-host 1]

Stop it. There was still a hot dog in there.

[Co-host 2]

It's called Flavored Floss.

[Caller/Guest]

But there was mustard in his goatee. No, I mean, it was.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Yeah, that's just common sense right there. Come on, now.

[Caller/Guest]

That's what I would have thought, but you never know.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Okay. It's good advice.

[Caller/Guest]

Wow.

[Co-host 1]

You thought you were hungry. Wow, that's bad.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Sonya.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, hey.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Worst kiss. What we're hoping is that there's a guy listening, going, oh, man, I do that. And I thought that was hot.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Well, what I'm about to tell you is so not hot. I was so into this guy, and, you know, like, when you finally get him and you're like, yeah, well, then there's that first kiss. And from, like, that day on, I've called him the Slobbery Tooth Lizards. You. I. I don't know. It was weird. It's like, you know how, like, you just. Your face is covered in spit and then the tongue is going everywhere, and there's teeth feeling like they're, like, biting you?

[Co-host 1]

Yes.

[Caller/Guest]

It's like, just. You're like. I don't know, you know, your teeth smack each other and it's just not supposed to happen like that. But, no, to top it off, I don't know what he was thinking, but apparently somebody told him it was a turn on to, like, blow in your mouth.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

I did that, too.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes. And he blew him up. It was ridiculous.

[Host (possibly lead host)]

Like, to where your cheeks blow.

[Co-host 3]

Yes. And I pushed him back and I

[Caller/Guest]

said, what the hell are you doing?

[Co-host 2]

That's not sexy. That's the way to save someone's life.

[Co-host 1]

It's not a kissing video. That was cpr.

[Co-host 2]

Right? And then lie you and open your airway and do chest compressions.

[Co-host 1]

Yeah.

[Co-host 2]

He's also heard that's really sexy, too. Right?

[Co-host 3]

Oh, my God, Melissa.

[Co-host 1]

If you've had all that, no wonder you don't like boys.

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