Vault: Are you aware that you're bad in bed?

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "Vault: Are you aware that you're bad in bed?"

The Bert Show | May 4, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this candid and humorous episode, The Bert Show team dives into the taboo topic of being "bad in bed." Inspired by an episode of Cougar Town, the hosts pose the question: Is anyone truly self-aware—and brave—enough to admit on-air that they’re bad in bed? Listeners are invited to call in, share their stories (with voice disguisers if needed), and explore whether being "bad" is based on skill, chemistry, self-perception, or something deeper. The conversation mixes vulnerability, empathy, and plenty of laughs.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage: The Cougar Town Reference

[01:08 - 02:38]

• The inspiration is a Cougar Town episode where Courteney Cox’s character realizes she isn’t good in bed and actually asks her ex-husband about it.
• The hosts chuckle over how brutal it would be to get such feedback directly.
• Quote:
  • Main Host: “She goes back to her ex husband and asks him what he thinks about her in bed. And he basically said, really? You’re not very good.” (02:35)

2. What Makes Someone "Bad in Bed"?

[02:41 - 04:31]

• Hypothesis: Is it only apparent if you've been told directly, or can you just "know"?
• Hosts ponder the difference between chemistry and actual skill, with Tracy joking that people usually blame the chemistry.
• Main Host draws a parallel with dancing—sometimes you just know you’re not good at something.

3. First Caller: Brad’s Admission

[04:31 - 06:19]

• "Brad" (voice disguised) openly admits he believes he’s bad in bed, mostly because he’s passive.
• He describes being in a gay relationship where his boyfriend is dominant, but Brad feels he puts in no effort—which makes him feel "bad."
• The hosts tease out whether feeling "bad" is the same as being bad, and if “doing nothing” can be enough for some partners.
• Quote:
  • Brad: “Yeah, I’m not doing a thing. I’m just laying there. I can’t do anything, really.” (05:30)
• Debate arises if Brad is just bored rather than bad.

4. Second Caller: John’s Confession

[06:30 - 08:04]

• "John" says, despite having a girlfriend he loves, he’s just not into sex and doesn’t enjoy it much with anyone.
• He considers if lack of enjoyment is making him bad at it, and wonders if he might be different in another kind of relationship.
• Main Host and others suggest lack of enthusiasm typically results in a subpar experience for both people.
• Quote:
  • John: “It’s just something you accept after a while. I…I love my girlfriend. I love what I do, but I can’t get into it.” (06:51)

5. Exploring if It’s About the Partner or the Person

[07:44 - 08:16]

• Sarah and Brad suggest most people blame chemistry, but John’s experience across several relationships suggests otherwise.
• Main Host reflects, “If you don’t like it, you’re not gonna be good at it.”

6. Third Caller: Tracy’s Story

[08:20 - 09:04]

• "Tracy" (voice disguised) hasn’t been told directly she’s bad, but suspects it because sex “never feels good” to her, with either men or women.
• Jen responds empathetically, suggesting Tracy just hasn’t found the right partner.
• Main Host, a bit more blunt: “Well, then you won’t be good at it. That’s for sure.”
• Tracy clarifies she’s “okay by herself,” prompting laughs and a bit of optimism from the hosts.

7. Fourth Caller: Liz Owns Her Reputation

[09:33 - 10:08]

• "Liz" (voice disguised) describes how people assume she’ll be “spectacular” in bed due to her looks, but says, “When they get in there, I show them differently.”
• The hosts find humor in her honesty—turning the stereotype on its head.
• Quote:
  • Liz: “You know what? When they get in there, I show them differently.” (09:52)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jen (to Tracy, empathizing): “I just feel like you gotta figure out what that is. It’s never, ever been an enjoyable thing?” (08:55)
• Sarah (to Brad): “The other dude’s having fun, but I think you’re bored and mistaken it for that you’re not good.” (06:06)
• Main Host (reflecting): “If you don’t like it, you’re not gonna be good at it.” (08:04)
• Liz (proudly self-deprecating): “When they get in there, I show them differently.” (09:52)
• Tracy (on trying both men and women): “It, like, never feels good. Nothing. Nothing ever works. And so I—everyone else seems to like it, so it must be me.” (08:36)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:08] – Main question introduced; Cougar Town episode reference
• [04:31] – Brad calls in (gay relationship/feels passive)
• [06:30] – John calls in (lack of enthusiasm/possibly not straight)
• [08:20] – Tracy calls in (tried men and women/never enjoys it)
• [09:33] – Liz calls in (looks vs reality in bed)

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Tone & Style Notes

As always, the Bert Show crew keeps the tone real, light, and funny, even when tackling personal and sometimes vulnerable subjects. There’s a healthy mix of empathy, gentle teasing, and honest discussion; no one is shamed for their admissions. The blend of sincerity and banter makes for an engaging, relatable listen.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Bert Show courageously faces an awkward but honest question: Are some people just "bad in bed"? Listeners step forward with humor and vulnerability, sharing experiences that blend self-doubt, lack of enjoyment, and subverted expectations. The hosts encourage a healthy, shame-free dialogue, making it clear that sexual compatibility—and enjoyment—are personal, subjective, and nothing to be embarrassed about.

Great for anyone looking for a mix of laughs, real talk, and the comfort of knowing you’re probably not alone in your insecurities.

Transcript

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[Main Host]

The Bird Show. All right, I have a question. It's one of those. We may not get any calls on it, and if we don't, I'd be happy because that's the goal here.

[Sarah]

Okay.

[Main Host]

It's to bring up a segment that pertains to nobody in our listening audience. And I think it probably does, but I don't know that anybody would call themselves out on it. 404741Q100. I was watching Cougar Town last week, which is becoming. As a dude, I'm probably not supposed to dig that show. I like it. I think it's really, really, really funny. You guys seen it yet?

[Sarah]

Oh, yeah.

[Tracy]

Yeah. I've only seen it one time, but I thought it was cute.

[Main Host]

It's funny. So I'm watching, I guess I was watching last week's episode this week, and Courteney Cox's character realizes that she's not good in bed. Wow.

[Jen]

Wasn't that amazing?

[Liz]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Wait, was that high pitched?

[Tracy]

What?

[Jen]

Nothing. On a scale from 1 to 10, was that a 9?

[Liz]

Definitely.

[Jen]

Was it a 6?

[Tracy]

Way higher.

Bitch.

[Brad]

The story that you need to know, earlier in the episode, they established that when guys speak in a high pitched voice, it means they're lying.

[Main Host]

So he's obviously lying. Cause he's starting. He's speaking up, right? So they have this sexual tension between the two of them because they've been waiting 10 dates before they have sex. They finally have sex and it's awful. And the next morning she's having breakfast with her her friends and realizes that she just might not be good in bed. In fact, she goes back to her ex husband and asks him what he thinks about her in bed. And he basically said, really? You're not very good.

[Tracy]

Oh, that's brutal.

[Main Host]

So here is my question. Do you know, are you sure you are bad in bed? Who would call up and admit that you are for sure, you know, you are bad in bed?

[Tracy]

Can we put them on the voices?

[Main Host]

Of course. We would have to. That's the only way we would get calls.

[Tracy]

Yeah.

[Main Host]

Now, I think the only two ways you would know is if somebody. If you're a guy and she's never, you know, mm, gone there or somebody's told you.

[Jen]

Oh, how brutal of a conversation is that? But it has to be more than one person. Because if one person thinks you're bad, maybe the other person doesn't. So. So maybe you have to hear it twice.

[Main Host]

And I'm not looking for somebody that used to be bad in bed and then somebody corrected you and now you're good in bed. I'm looking for somebody to call in that, you know, today if you have sex with somebody, they are going to be disappointed.

[Sarah]

Oh, God. So Sarah.

[Main Host]

Just not good at it.

[Jen]

Brutally mean.

[Main Host]

I think this may be it. I think this may be the one time we don't get any calls.

[Brad]

But there might. We'll get a call because there's going to be somebody who's tried and is just giving up on it.

[Jen]

Oh, one phone.

[Main Host]

There's one.

[Tracy]

Did I win $1,000?

[Brad]

Would it be really obviously awkward right now if I excuse myself to the restroom for about five minutes?

[Tracy]

Because I think most people would typically blame the chemistry. Like, oh, I'm normally really good, but the chemistry with this person was just off.

[Main Host]

Now this has to be all on you. Like, you're just. No, I'm not good. Like, I could tell you right now I am not a good dancer. I know it for sure. I've seen glimpses of me in mirrors before, and I've seen my shadow and I'm not a good dancer. I just know that about me. There's got to be somebody that's like, I just know, you know, I'm good at softball. I'm good at soccer. I just suck in bed. Don't. Save that.

[Jen]

No, save all of that.

[Main Host]

Brad, you are on the voice disguiser.

[Brad]

Hey, guys, what's up? Hey, Brad.

[Main Host]

You tell us.

[Brad]

Yeah, I'm pretty bad. I gotta admit.

[John]

I'm.

[Brad]

I don't know. I. I'm with a. I'm in a gay relationship. And so there's only so much you can do. And I. I just end up always laying there. And that's just how it started out. And I was content to do that. And that's just how it's been for four years.

[Main Host]

Does it just feel awkward to you, or somebody actually said to you, you're just bad at this?

[Brad]

No, I feel awkward. And I keep saying, you know, like, aren't I boring? And the other ones, the boyfriend's like, no, this is really good. This is how I like it. He likes to be, you know, dominant, I guess.

[Sarah]

Okay, so you just feel awkward, and you're assuming that.

[Jen]

That just.

[Sarah]

You're just not good.

[Main Host]

Even though he's telling you everything's fine, you know, in your heart, you're not good.

[Brad]

Yeah, I'm not doing a thing. I'm just laying there. I can't do anything, really.

[Main Host]

So you're sort of paralyzed?

[Brad]

Well, I mean, at first it was just, well, this is nice, you know, I don't have to worry about doing anything. And then it just kind of came to be, well, standard.

Hey, there's a news story out of Ohio that your boyfriend might be interested in and. About a guy in a morgue who's having sex with the bodies.

[Main Host]

Aw, dude, what is wrong with you? Why you making.

[Tracy]

I don't know.

[Sarah]

It doesn't sound like you're.

[Brad]

I don't know.

[Main Host]

You don't really have concrete proof that you're bad in bed.

[Sarah]

I don't. I don't know if that's the case with you, you know, I just think you're bored. I think you're bored.

[Main Host]

He says he's. The other dude's having fun.

[Sarah]

The other dude's having fun, but I think you're bored and mistaken it for that. You're not good.

[Main Host]

What?

[Tracy]

No, I don't think there's a mistake. He's just not good. I mean, nothing's good if you just lay there.

[Brad]

Save that.

[Main Host]

Hey, this is the only two calls we got. No women calling up to say that they're bad in bed.

[Jen]

Course not. We're like pros.

[Main Host]

John. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[John]

Hey, my name's John. I go to NGCSU, and I just. You know, I got a girlfriend, but I'm just. I'm not good in bed. I just can't get into it. I don't know.

[Main Host]

Seriously.

[Jen]

Did she tell you?

[Sarah]

I love how he just identified himself. Serial number.

[Brad]

It's almost like it's an AA meeting.

[Main Host]

I'm impressed that you've embraced how bad you are.

[John]

It's just something you accept after a while. I. You know, I love my girlfriend. I love what I do, but I can't get into it, you know? And it's just. I'm not. It. It's just kind of a mindset thing, I guess.

[Sarah]

Is it something that she's told you?

[John]

No, it's just. I guess part of it is I don't really enjoy. Seems sometimes like.

[Brad]

You don't enjoy sex.

[John]

I. I enjoy it, but it's not something. I don't know. I just feel like I'm. I'm not doing it with someone. I really. I don't know. I've thought about being gay a couple times just because of it.

[Main Host]

You think you like. You think you'd be better if you're in a gay relationship?

[Brad]

Well, a softball team where if you're not a good player, you go play on a different. In a different league.

[Sarah]

I think most people think it's the chemistry. I think most people think it's the partner they're with, because I'm just trying to. And the last caller.

[John]

But I've been with other partners, and it's just. It never.

[Brad]

Never.

[John]

It's something I've been with. I've been with three different girls, and it's never been. It's never been as good as I want.

[Main Host]

Yeah, if you don't like it, you're not gonna be good at it.

[Tracy]

See, if the person.

[Sarah]

Now, in your case, you haven't tried the other side. Like, you brought it up, the fact. But I. That one person. I feel bad for that one person. Like, yeah, I tried with girls, I tried with guys, and, yeah, I'm just not good with anybody.

[Main Host]

That's bad. There's nothing else to go to.

[Tracy]

Oh, funny.

[Main Host]

Here's Tracy. She wants to be on the voice disguiser.

[Tracy]

Hey. Hi. I have not been told directly that I am horrible in that department, but I personally believe that I am.

[Main Host]

And how do you know this?

[Tracy]

Well, I've tried both ways. I've tried guys and I've tried girls, and it seems like nothing works for me. It, like, never feels good. Nothing. Nothing ever works. And so I. Everyone else seems to like it, so it must be me.

[Main Host]

Jen is so sad for you. Look at this face that Jen has. Like she just wants to hug you.

[Tracy]

I do. I just feel like you gotta figure out what that is. It's never, ever been an enjoyable thing.

Never.

[Main Host]

Well, then you won't be good at it. That's for sure.

[Tracy]

Exactly.

I'm sorry. Are you okay by yourself?

Yeah, I could do it by myself.

[John]

Yeah.

[Tracy]

See, you're just looking for a great partner. That's all it is.

[Main Host]

Don't put it on yourself. It's gotta be the dudes. Because you guys have told us before that most dudes stink in bed. They suck. So.

[Tracy]

Well, she said she had tried guys and girls and nothing worked.

[Sarah]

She tried both.

[Main Host]

It could just be her.

[Tracy]

I would joke that dude.

[Main Host]

It could be.

[Sarah]

Oh, this is becoming sad. This is not making anybody feel better.

[Main Host]

Hey, Liz, you're on the voices. Guys are high.

[Tracy]

Hi. I'm one of those girls that's like very voluptuous and like when guys see me, they think, wow, like she's gonna be spectacular. And they hound me and hound me. But you know what? When they get in there, I show them differently.

[Jen]

Have you ever made she's like hailing her badness.

[Main Host]

She fooled you. You thought she was gonna be good.

[Sarah]

I bet you I was, baby.

[Main Host]

Bad joke's on you. I'm not good in bed.

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