Vault: Astrological Signs Mismatch

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: Astrological Signs Mismatch" (July 16, 2026)

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Episode Overview

In this episode, the Bert Show cast dives into the world of astrological compatibility, exploring which zodiac pairings are said to be the most mismatched and disastrous in relationships. With the usual wit and humor, the hosts compare personal experiences, debate the influence of signs on romance, and interact with a caller whose real-life story seems to confirm a notorious mismatch. If you've ever wondered whether the stars are to blame for your relationship woes, this episode is packed with laughs and lively conversation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Astrological Sign Roll Call & Relationship Dynamics

[01:02 - 02:39]

• The cast goes around the table sharing their sun signs and those of their significant others, with comments on whether their relationships align with zodiac compatibility "rules."
  • Jeff: Scorpio, wife Jessica is Aries.
  • Jen: Pisces, partner Aries.
  • Melissa: Pisces, partner Katie is Scorpio.
  • Wendy: Cancer, but single (jokes about who to avoid).
  • Bert: Aries, wife is Taurus. Notes that "every important woman" in his life has been a Taurus:

    "Really, really strange. Yeah. Cancer and Aquarius is on this list as one of the five worst astrological pairings on the planet." — Bert [02:27]

2. The Zodiac’s Worst Pairings

[02:39 - 06:36]

• Bert reads from a list of notoriously poor astrological matches, adding colorful explanations.
  • Cancer & Aquarius: Emotional Cancer clashes with cool, detached Aquarius.

    "Family, home, and stability are the three things Cancer seek. While aloof Aquarius just lives to be the life of the party." — Bert [03:44]

  • Gemini & Aries: Gemini's changing moods frustrate independent Aries.
  • Scorpio & Leo: Both controlling and possessive, leading to explosive arguments.

    "Imagine a lion and a scorpion fighting to the death." — Bert [04:33]

    • Anecdote: One host’s ex allegedly threw a phone during a fight.
  • Virgo & Sagittarius: Logical Virgo and adventurous Sagittarius can't see eye to eye.
    • Reference to Beyoncé (Virgo) and Jay-Z (Sagittarius).
  • Pisces & Taurus: Dreamy Pisces irritates practical Taurus, thought to be the most "stressful" combination.

    "Stubborn Taurus finds the impracticality of Pisces annoying ... This is perhaps the most stressful love pairing in the entire zodiac." — Bert [06:23]

3. Do You Believe? Personal Experiences & Superstitions

[06:36 - 07:05]

• Some cast members admit they take these incompatibility warnings seriously.
  • Melissa: "I will never date a Sagittarius." [06:49]
    • Confirms a bad experience as proof that sign clashes are real.
  • General consensus: The group marvels at how zodiac traits sometimes eerily align with real-life personalities and relationship drama.

4. Listener Call-In: Real Life Zodiac Disaster

[07:05 - 08:04]

• A female caller shares her tumultuous marriage to a Virgo as a Sagittarius.

  "I am in the process—I’m a Sagittarius and I’m in the process of getting a divorce from a Virgo. And I promise you, it was like hell on earth. We argued about the color of the rice. … It was intense, heated arguments." — Caller [07:10]

  • Cultural differences added another layer of conflict.

    "And then you’re rolling the wrong sign. Ooh. No." — Caller [07:55]

5. Humorous Takeaways

[Throughout]

• The show pokes fun at the seriousness with which some people approach zodiac compatibility, referencing celebrity obsessions, and imagining running background checks with “blood types” next.

  "Tomorrow we'll compare blood types and see if you and Justin maybe are a better fit." — Bert [02:59]

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• "Every important woman that I've ever had in my life has been a Taurus. Really, really strange."
  — Bert [02:27]
• "Imagine a lion and a scorpion fighting to the death. And this is exactly how the chemistry between a Leo and Scorpio would be."
  — Bert [04:33]
• "I am in the process—I’m a Sagittarius and I’m in the process of getting a divorce from a Virgo. And I promise you, it was like hell on earth."
  — Caller [07:10]
• "I will never date a Sagittarius."
  — Melissa [06:49]
• "This is perhaps the most stressful love pairing in the entire zodiac. And that one is Pisces and Taurus."
  — Bert [06:23]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:02] – Cast shares their signs and relationship histories
• [02:39] – Review of worst zodiac pairings begins
• [03:44] – Colorful breakdown: Cancer & Aquarius pairing
• [04:33] – Scorpio & Leo "fight to the death" analogy
• [06:23] – Pisces & Taurus called most stressful pairing
• [06:49] – Melissa swears off Sagittarius
• [07:10] – Listener offers real-life proof of astrological mismatch

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Tone & Style Notes

The episode is filled with playful banter, good-natured ribbing, and personal storytelling. The cast doesn't claim to be astrology experts; rather, they revel in the entertainment and uncanny coincidences of zodiac stereotypes, encouraging listeners to weigh in with their own stories—without ever taking the topic (or themselves) too seriously.

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Summary prepared for listeners who want the fun, insights, and best moments from The Bert Show’s “Vault: Astrological Signs Mismatch”—minus the intros, ads, and outros!

Transcript

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[A]

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[B]

So let's go around the room here. Jeff, as far as astrological signs go, you are a what? And Jessica is a what.

[D]

I am a Scorpio and Jessica is a talker.

[B]

Aw, you have. How long have you been married?

[A]

Now?

[B]

What year are we in? Because the tone is definitely starting the last six months. The tone has definitely changed.

[D]

Is that astrological sign?

[B]

It's just the one with the mouth. There's the unicorn. The fish in the mouth. She's an ar. She's an Aries. Okay. Jen, you and Superman.

[E]

I am Pisces and he is an Aries. I guess. Is that beginning of April? What's Aries date?

[D]

Yeah, Jessica's April 5th and she's an Aries. So is he in that vicinity?

[B]

Yep. Okay.

[D]

Yep.

[B]

Melissa Cartel. You and Katie.

[E]

Joe, I'm a Pisces and Katie is a Scorpio.

[B]

Pisces and Scorpio.

[E]

Don't ask me. I'm alone.

[B]

Oh, sorry, baby.

[E]

But what are you? I'm a Cancer. So that way you'll know who you

[D]

need to stay away from.

[B]

I can tell you who you can stay away from.

[D]

That's what you need to do, Wendy, is eliminate people from your dating pool

[B]

because Cancer is on this list with somebody else. The. Your dating Antichrist was a what?

[E]

Sagittarius.

[B]

Okay. And I am an Aries and my wife is a Taurus. Every important woman that I've ever had in my life has been a Taurus. Really, really strange. Yeah. Cancer and Aquarius is on this list as one of the five worst astrological pairings on the planet.

[E]

Why I can't date Justin Timberlake.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

He probably knows that and that's why he's avoiding you.

[D]

Stand by, please. You know his sign and you think your friends are celebrity obsessed as a teenager.

[B]

That is a good point.

[D]

I don't think you can say that.

[E]

It's different, Jeff.

[D]

My friend is so obsessed with celebrities. It's so annoying.

[B]

Oh, my God. That sounds like a better what kind

[F]

of steward I am. Oh, no.

[B]

We're never gonna get married. Tomorrow we'll compare blood types and we'll see if you and Justin maybe are a better fit. Here's what it says about Cancer and Aquarius. So if you're dating an Aquarius right now and you're Cancer or vice versa, you just might want to look at them and just go, okay. Here are the warning signs. Out and about. Aquarius and couch potato. Cancer will clash on many levels, but none more than intimacy and settling down. The Aquarians cool, almost icy ness demeanor will frustrate the emotional, touchy feely Cancer. Aquarius is guarded while Cancer pleads for openness. While Aquarians are sexual adventure seekers, conservative cancers lean more to the cuddly. Family home and stability are the three things that cancer seek. While aloof, Aquarius just lives to be the life of the party.

[E]

Okay, all right.

[B]

So you and Justin T. We're done. Not gonna happen. Gemini and Aries, known for their split personalities. They need a submissive companion sign to handle their on again, off again moods. They're talking about Gemini. That submissiveness isn't something they're likely to find in large amounts should they find themselves falling for Aries. Rather, when the chameleon like Gemini has changed his or her personality one too many times, you can bet your lucky charm that Aries is going to take off. Okay, so that is Gemini and Aries, one of the worst astrological pairings. Scorpio and Leo. Imagine a lion and a scorpion fighting to the death. And this is exactly how the chemistry between a Leo and Scorpio would be. Leo is the lion is controlling, as is the possessive Scorpio. And if you expect that sparks will fly in the bedroom, it will probably be more like pairs of shoes hurled at each other because of an explosive argument.

[E]

Is that what you and your ex Chandra were? She.

[F]

I think.

[B]

I don't remember what she was.

[E]

Cause didn't she throw a shoe at you? She did.

[B]

It was a phone. Actually, I think it wasn't a shoe. It was a phone. Yeah, one astrological or astrologist said that many of these love matches end up in crimes of Passion again. That's Scorpio and Leo right there. One of the worst. Also astrological pairings, Virgo and Sagittarius. These two signs will find themselves frequently at a crossroads, a standoff, and even arguing about the color of the sky. When Sagittarius is ready to leap to the bottom of the deep blue sea, Virgo studies its practicality, putting much thought before putting one foot in front of the other. So Virgo and Sagittarius, not so good for each other. Famous Virgo, Sagittarius couple, Beyonce and Jay Z. Oh, really?

[E]

Are they really a couple?

[D]

Yeah, they are, but they never refer to each other.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And this one may be worst of all of them.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

If you are a Pisces, you want to avoid at all cost a Taurus. Stubborn Taurus finds the impracticality of Pisces annoying. Add to that Pisces bad habit of having an opinion about everything and the bull's short fuse and you have enough combustion for an implosion. And it states right here. This is perhaps the most stressful love pairing in the entire zodiac. And that one is Pisces and Taurus. Okay.

[E]

Have you ever dated a Taurus, Melissa? Uh, I don't think I have either. I've driven one because we're both Pisces.

[B]

That's all I've ever had in my life. And I know there are some people that take this stuff so seriously.

[E]

I do.

[G]

You do?

[E]

I will never date a Sagittarius.

[B]

Is that because you had a bad experience with one Sagittarius?

[E]

Absolutely.

[F]

There.

[E]

I mean, whether you read into it or not, there is some similarities with people who have the same sign.

[B]

Sometimes when you read them, you're like, yeah, that's right. Good morning, Q100. Berkshire.

[F]

Hi, guys. I wanted to let you know that is so true. I am in the process. I'm a Sagittarius and I'm in the process of getting a divorce from a Virgo. And I promise you, it was like hell on earth. We argued about the color of the rice. We argued about which way to drive. And it wasn't just, like, relationship petty arguments. It was intense, heated arguments. And plus, he was from another country. To add more fuel to the fire.

[B]

What country was he from?

[F]

It was like a double doozy for me.

[B]

What country was he from?

[F]

He was from Liberia. You talk about, like, racism is one thing. When people argue about race. When you're in a relationship, that's small potatoes. When you talk about other country and immigration issues, oh, my God. And then you're rolling the wrong sign. Ooh. No.

[E]

Stay away from those Virgo Liberians.

[F]

Please stay away from

[A]

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[A]

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