Vault: Bert And Jeff's British Accent Dual!

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Bert And Jeff's British Accent Dual!
Date: January 30, 2026
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting

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Episode Overview

In this laugh-out-loud episode, Bert and Jeff finally settle a long-running, playful rivalry: Who is better at performing a British accent? Drawing on a past bit where they competed over a Sean Connery impression, they now challenge each other to cold-call real British businesses—each aiming to keep their cover the longest, without the recipient detecting their ruse. It’s a riotous mix of improv, genuine camaraderie, and cringe-worthy moments, all while involving the entire Bert Show crew in the fun.

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Breakdown of Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Setting the Stage: The Accent Rivalry (00:00 – 01:17)

• Bert (A) recalls being the original "accent guy" on the show, but Jeff (B) has since become the unofficial titleholder.

• Crew members reminisce about a previous Sean Connery-off, setting the scene for today’s British accent face-off.

• The challenge: Cold-call a British business, keep up a convincing accent, and see who lasts longest before being called out.

  "There was a time when we started the show where I was the accent guy, and Jeff... just because he got louder, became the branded accent guy." – Bert (A) [00:07]

2. Clarifying the Rules (01:17 – 02:32)

• The crew explains the rules: Call England, no warning to the business, and if asked, “Where are you from?” or otherwise called out—game over.

• Categories to call: pubs, restaurants, hotels, B&Bs, mechanics.

• Stakes and playful taunts are exchanged between Bert and Jeff.

  "We're just gonna see who could stay on the line the longest without them... calling us out." – Bert (A) [01:07]

3. First Call: Bert Books a Hotel in Cornwall (02:33 – 05:19)

• Bert chooses to call a hotel (“Cambridge House in Cornwall”), and the crew eggs him on with banter about his accent.

• The call:

  • Bert personifies a British traveler looking for a "really high end" suite for June 3rd–19th, "something with a view."
  • Throws in plenty of Britishisms (“telly,” “good morning,” “tea”) and odd requests, including a bidet.
  • The hotel employee, Alice, plays along and describes their best room.
  • Bert ends the call after not being questioned about his accent. The team teases his slip into an Australian accent near the end.

  "I'm assuming that you do tea there every day as well." – Bert (B) [04:51]
  "Oh, okay. That's a deal breaker for me. Thank you very much for your time now." – Bert (B), as his bit ends [05:14]

• Duration: About 90 seconds (they time it)

• Memorable Moment: Bert’s request for a bidet, which confuses the hotel employee.

• Quote:

  “He definitely went...You went down under at the end.” – D [05:27]

4. Debate and Analysis: Did Bert Succeed? (05:19 – 06:12)

• The show analyzes Bert’s performance, laughing at his accent slip and debating if the hotel staff suspected he was a fake.
• Still, Alice never directly calls him out, so by the rules, he "survives" the call.
• Teasing continues:

  "But the guy could have thought you were from Sydney." – C [05:48]
  "Oh, he obviously knew I was one of his London brethren." – Bert (A) [05:52]

5. Second Call: Jeff Rings a Mechanic in Blackpool (06:13 – 09:47)

• Jeff dials "Harry Feeney" (a mechanic), improvising as “Sir Harry Longbaugh from Cornwall.”

• He is transferred to Tracy, and continues the charade—throwing in British phrases, and soon, increasingly cheeky innuendo (suggesting a "shag," "bangers and mash," and "look under my hood").

• Tracy quickly grows suspicious, repeatedly asking, “Who is this?” but plays along with dry British humor.

• Jeff stretches the bit, referencing the “Prince of pleasure,” and ends the call amicably amid gales of laughter from the crew.

  "Normally I would travel to DeKalb Tire in beautiful Atlanta, Georgia, but on account of the pond between us is no longer practical." – Jeff (I) [07:58]
  "Perhaps we could travel up to my flat and you could have a look under my hood." – Jeff (I) [08:37]

• Memorable Moment: The flurry of double entendres (shag, look under my hood, bangers and mash).

• Quote:

  "Shepherd's pie's fine by me." – Mechanic staff (H) [09:12]
  "No, sorry, don't know any Princes of Pleasure, in all honesty." – Tracy (J) [09:36]

• Result: Jeff is called out ("Who is this?" multiple times), solidifying a "tie."

6. The Verdict and Wrap-Up (09:47 – 09:58)

• The crew agrees: Both Bert and Jeff failed to convince their British interlocutors fully, resulting in a comedic tie.

• They joke about doing the bit every day and poke fun at each other.

  “She knew, clearly. And I was from North Cornwall.” – Jeff (C) [09:55]
  "Obviously, we're going to have to do this every single day." – Bert (A) [09:58]

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• (00:07) “When were you the accent guy?” – C
• (02:03) “Until Somebody knocks you off, it’s all yours.” – Bert (A)
• (04:16) “Something really high end. Yeah, Maybe a view.” – Bert (B)
• (05:27) “You went down under at the end.” – D (calling out the accent slip)
• (08:08) “Maybe you and I could go for a shag.” – Jeff (I) (first moment Tracy gets suspicious)
• (09:05) “I would like to have a look, see, at your shepherd’s pie, if you don’t mind.” – Jeff (I) (pushing the innuendo)
• (09:36) “No, sorry, don’t know any Princes of Pleasure, in all honesty.” – Tracy (J) (displaying British dry wit)

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Conclusion

This episode of The Bert Show encapsulates the playful spirit of the cast, the joy in friendly rivalry, and their commitment to making mornings brighter. The crew's on-air British accent duel is packed with off-the-cuff humor, awkward improvisation, genuine camaraderie, and classic British confusion. While neither Bert nor Jeff proved themselves authentic “Londoners,” the laughter they sparked—both for listeners and their unwitting British conversationalists—was a true win.

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For daily doses of authenticity and humor, check back for more Bert Show episodes!

Transcript

[A]

You're on the Burt Show. All right. This has been brewing between Jeff and I now for a couple of years here.

[B]

And there was a time when we.

[A]

Started the show where I was the accent guy, and Jeff, somehow, someway, I think, just because he got louder, became the branded accent guy.

[C]

When were you the accent guy?

[D]

The volume award.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

I will tell you exactly when I was the accent guy.

[C]

You had a mediocre Sean Connery once.

[A]

The mediocre Sean Connery kicked your arse back in the day because we were having this thing on who's got the better, you know, foreign accent or who can do a Sean Connery impression better. So we ended up, like, calling a hotel and trying to book the hotel as Sean Connery to see who could stay on the line the longest as Sean Connery. And I smoked him. So we're gonna sort of do the same thing this morning, but we've moved.

[B]

From Scotland to England.

[A]

All right, okay.

[E]

See how you can switch it up like that?

[B]

How are you gonna compete with that?

[A]

And we're gonna put this thing finally to rest.

[E]

Okay?

[B]

So much like we did six years ago when we called Scotland, what we.

[A]

Want to do is we're calling England because you can't just call a hotel here and put on an accent and get any kind of authenticity. We're not gonna tell them that we're pretending to have an accent. We're just gonna see who could stay on the line the longest without them asking us where we're from or calling us out.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

And whoever.

[D]

Will they really do that?

[A]

I don't know.

[D]

Did they do that last time?

[B]

I'm assuming Jess is gonna be so.

[A]

Bad that, yeah, within the first couple of seconds, they'll go, you know what? I'm having a. I'm having a bloody.

[B]

Tough time trying to figure out where you're from.

[A]

See, you wanna stop now?

[B]

You wanna do something else? We can do something else. We can talk about.

[C]

I'm frightened.

[B]

We could do American.

[A]

We could do something else. If you're into.

[C]

Now, what happens if, during the conversation, they ask what part of New Zealand you're from?

[A]

Then you're called out. Okay. At that point, I think we can all say that obviously they're calling you out, that your accent's not authentic.

[C]

Got it.

[A]

Okay. Got it.

[B]

My producer, Tracy. May I go first as the.

[A]

I know it's been a long time, but if you're the champ for one year or three years or six years, you're still wearing the crown.

[C]

It's all yours.

[A]

Until Somebody knocks you off, it's all yours. So we're gonna call England now. And I'll start a casual conversation with my accent. We'll see how long it goes. And I think if we're 90 seconds into it and they don't call me out, I'm just gonna end the call.

[E]

Okay?

[A]

Okay. All right.

[C]

So that just means I have to go 91.

[A]

You understand the. The rules?

[E]

I think so.

[F]

Okay, pick a category before we dial. We've got pubs, restaurants, hotels, and bed and breakfasts and mechanics, mechanics, mechanics.

[B]

I'll go with the hotels.

[F]

All right, you see that?

[D]

Oh, no.

[B]

Do you want out?

[A]

You don't have to do this the way you can.

[B]

You don't have to do this.

[C]

In and out of it is truly amazing.

[F]

All right, we're calling the Cambridge house in Cornwall.

[B]

The Cambridge house in Cornwall.

[G]

Cornhole Lord.

[A]

You are going.

[B]

You're going down.

[C]

Why are you making constipated face.

[B]

If.

[C]

Do you want any tips before you make the call?

[A]

Dude, it's all right here in the soul. Okay.

[D]

In your British roots.

[B]

Oh, there's the telly.

[H]

Cambridge house.

[B]

Morning.

[A]

Good morning.

[B]

I'd like to check for some availability, please.

[H]

Sure. When's that for?

[B]

For June 3rd.

[H]

June 3rd? Yeah. What sort of accommodation you after, please?

[B]

I'm looking for something really high end, something like a suite.

[G]

Okey dokey. Let me just grab.

[H]

Is it one night?

[B]

You're looking for June 3rd through June 19th. An extended stay.

[G]

Okey dokey. Okey dokey. Let's just have a look here. One second, please. Just grabbing the diary.

[B]

He's not British.

[H]

Sorry.

[G]

Okie dokie.

[B]

That's just a couple of words you don't hear next to each other very often.

[H]

No, maybe not. Third through 19.

[G]

Let's have a little look here. 19th.

[B]

Something really high end.

[A]

Something.

[B]

Yeah, Maybe a view.

[G]

Yeah.

[H]

Okay. The. The nicest accommodation that I've got available for those dates in June. It's. It, is it? For how many people we looking for here? Is it one, two. Family.

[B]

It's two, Alice.

[H]

For two. Perfect. So I've got a large. I've got a large double room, but it also has a sofa in the room. So it. I haven't got a. I haven't got a suite with a separate sitting room, but it does have a sofa in the room. It's fully en suite. You know, it's just literally been decorated, finished off about a month ago. So it's sort of looking pretty spanking brand new and looking very nice.

[B]

I'm assuming that you do tea there every day as well.

[H]

Dinner. Yeah, I can cook dinner if you want dinner. No problem, you know. No problem at all. You know, you might want it every day, you might not, but, you know, as long as you let me know, there's no problem with that whatsoever.

[G]

No problem at all.

[B]

And is the hotel equipped with bidet as well? In each suite?

[H]

With a what, sorry?

[B]

A bidet?

[H]

No, I'm afraid. No, I'm afraid it doesn't know.

[B]

Oh, okay. That's a deal breaker for me. Thank you very much for your time now.

[G]

Okay.

[A]

It's all a good day.

[D]

All right.

[A]

How you go? I mean.

[E]

He definitely went.

[D]

You went down under at the end of.

[I]

Got a little Australian at the end.

[C]

I agree.

[B]

Crocodile hunt, turn away.

[I]

I agree.

[C]

Now the problem is.

[A]

Yeah, how long did we go? I don't even know. It was like 30.

[C]

There's so many problems with that. But it's all right.

[D]

90 seconds.

[E]

But the rules of the game where he didn't say anything to him, didn't call him out, nothing. Had a very British conversation.

[C]

But the guy could have thought you were from Sydney.

[A]

Oh, he obviously knew I was one of his London brethren.

[E]

PDP could have always did.

[C]

You have no proof of that.

[A]

If it was that bad, he would have said, where are you from? Like, I'm sure it's about to happen.

[C]

Why?

[A]

Let me just show you how it's done incorrectly. Let's make the call.

[B]

You going down, cream puff?

[I]

Okie dokie.

[F]

Does Jeff get a hotel also or a different category?

[C]

I don't care. It doesn't matter.

[B]

Give him the mechanic.

[C]

Surprise me.

[F]

All right. We're calling Harry Feeney.

[A]

Who?

[F]

Harry Feeney in Blackpool.

[A]

Is he? Tracy wants in. You hear that? Her little thespian just coming out in her mouth.

[D]

I've got my money on Tracy.

[E]

What does Harry do?

[F]

He's a mechanic.

[B]

So something's wrong with your Fiat car.

[D]

Parts.

[A]

And then we can put this thing to rest. All right, done. No tension between you and I, except what's sexual.

[G]

Good find, Harry Finney. Todd to parts. JB speaking.

[H]

How can I help?

[I]

It's Sir Harry Longbaugh from Cornwall. I have a question about my car repair. If you don't mind for a moment.

[G]

I'll just put this in the service department.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

Nice.

[B]

Is this robbie williams?

[D]

Your turn is over.

[A]

Sorry.

[J]

Good morning, Tracy speaking. How can I help?

[I]

Hello, Tracey, how are you?

[J]

I'm fine, thanks.

[A]

How are you?

[C]

Good.

[I]

It's Harry Longbow from North Cornwall. I have a question for you about a car repair I was having considered down at your mechanic's garage.

[J]

Right, okay. What's the registration number?

[I]

Oh, you know what? I haven't brought the car in. I just have some questions. Normally I would travel to DeKalb Tire in beautiful Atlanta, Georgia, but on account of the pond between us is no longer practical.

[J]

Right, okay. So what. What's the question you need to ask, love?

[I]

Well, I was just wondering if I might be able to bring my car in and so you guys could have a look see at it. Maybe you and I could go for a shag.

[J]

Who is this?

[I]

It's harry longball from north cornwall.

[J]

Who is it? Who's up?

[I]

My name is Sir Harry Longball. I'm from North Cornwall and I have a question for you about my vehicle. Perhaps we could travel up to my flat and you could have a look under my hood.

[J]

Oh, right.

[H]

What's going on?

[J]

Who is it?

[I]

Perhaps you and I could get together for some bangers and mash, if you know what I mean.

[J]

Gonna have to go now. Who is it?

[I]

I would like to have a look, see, at your shepherd's pie, if you don't mind.

[H]

Shepherd's pie's fine by me.

[J]

Yeah, absolutely.

[I]

Yeah. Let's do it, then. Shepherd's pie in a shag. It'll be a wonderful Friday night.

[A]

You're right.

[H]

Getting there. Yeah.

[J]

Who is it? Go on, come clean.

[I]

Harry Longbow from North Cornwall.

[J]

Yeah, whatever. Who is he?

[I]

You may also know me as the Duke of Goliath, the Prince of pleasure.

[J]

No, sorry, don't know any Princes of Pleasure, in all honesty.

[I]

All right, thank you very much.

[J]

Bye. Bye now.

[I]

All right, love.

[J]

Bye.

[I]

All you need is love.

[F]

Gosh.

[E]

It was a great sport.

[D]

She was a great sport.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And there was no question.

[E]

And there was no question. So we're at a tie.

[C]

Yep. She knew, clearly. And I was from North Cornwall.

[A]

Obviously, we're going to have to do this every single day. You're on the Birch Show.