Vault: Bert can't stand Mary Poppins

Summary

The Bert Show Episode Summary

Episode: Vault: Bert can't stand Mary Poppins
Date: July 31, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast
Main Theme: Bert’s (reluctant) adventure into the world of Mary Poppins, the family pressure to enjoy musicals, and a debate over the “manliness” of loving Broadway shows.

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Episode Overview

This classic episode dives into Bert’s comic frustration with having to attend—and then listen endlessly to—the Mary Poppins musical and soundtrack for the sake of his family. The conversation quickly spirals into a lively, hilarious, and self-revealing debate about “real men” and musicals, peppered with spirited listener calls that challenge and poke fun at Bert’s point of view.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Reluctant Mary Poppins Experience

• [00:43] Bert shares that he attended the Mary Poppins musical at the Fox Theater with his family—primarily to please his wife and kids.
  • “So we end up over at the fabulous Fox watching Mary Poppins over the weekend. Two and a half, three hours. The family really enjoyed it.” – Bert [00:43-01:08]
• He admits that while it wasn't awful, musicals like Mary Poppins simply aren’t for him.
  • “It wasn't awful, but it was. It's not my cup of tea.” – Bert [01:23-01:28]
• Mother’s Day self-sacrifice: He describes going as a ‘jump on the grenade’ move for the sake of family harmony.

2. The Endless Soundtrack & Bert’s Torment

• [01:31-01:45] Bert describes his new “nightmare” – Stacey bought the Mary Poppins soundtrack, and now every family car ride is a singalong.
  • “Every time we're in the car together now it's a cranked up sing along to Mary Poppins songs.” – Bert [01:40-01:45]
• Host 2 and Host 1 playfully sing along, further goading Bert into exaggerated exasperation.

3. Musicals and ‘Manliness’ Debate

• [02:19-02:54] The conversation steers to Bert’s family background and the notion that enjoying musicals is somehow unmanly.
  • Host 2: “That's part of childhood, is all these musicals and the soundtracks and it. And it connects to your childhood.” [02:23-02:32]
  • Bert: “Please find me one straight man that was excited to go to Mary Poppins.” [02:32-02:36]
  • Host 2 rebuffs: “Because a lot of times a father will enjoy seeing their children have a good time.” [02:36-02:46]
  • Bert: “That's exactly what I did.” [02:50-02:51]
  • “I wasn't complaining about the show. I was complaining about the constant singing going on afterwards.” – Bert [02:54]
• Hosts rib Bert about songs being played loudly in the family minivan, teasing about his masculinity and musical tastes.

4. Listener Calls: Challenging the Stereotypes

Several listeners (men and women) call to share their perspectives, mostly in good humor:

a) Mandy’s Call – Mythbusting or Confirming Bert’s Theory?

[04:24-05:00]
Mandy shares she saw two straight men at Mary Poppins, though hosts jokingly speculate on their real motives.

• Host 1: “Spoonful of Sugar wasn't the only thing going down that night.” [04:56]

b) Brian’s Call – Bert’s Alleged Demographic

[05:31-05:54]
Brian: “You still represent all straight dudes. We don't want to go see that stuff. You go because your family wants to go… But you're going to find very few dudes that actually want to go see Mary Pops.”

• The hosts (especially Bert) joke about finding “the exceptions.”

c) Jerry’s Call – Proud Musical-Loving Dad

[05:56-06:32]
Jerry: “I actually love Mary Poppins more than my wife and kids do… Every time I hear chim chimney chimp chimney chim chimp shaboo ears well up in my eyes.”

• Host 2: “He's the only one strong enough in his manhood to admit it.” [06:24]

d) Billy’s Call – Musicals for All

[06:46-07:14]
Billy: “Yeah, I'm straight as I can be. Man, I love musicals. I like that show Glee. I think the world would be a better place if everybody just sang instead of talking.”

• Hosts encourage Billy to end the call in song and celebrate his openness.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bert’s classic lament:
  • “This is my only escape is in here.” – Bert [02:06]
• Playful host banter about gender and musicals:
  • Host 1: “It's not like he was at Wicked or Les Mis… It's about a nanny who can fly with an umbrella. It's the gayest musical ever.” [03:19-03:29]
• When a caller subverts Bert’s expectations:
  • Jerry: “And I'm black And I love Mary Poppins.” [06:30]
• Billy’s musical philosophy:
  • “I think the world would be a better place if everybody just sang instead of talking.” – Billy [06:50-06:58]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:43] Bert’s opening Mary Poppins story
• [01:40] The relentless soundtrack
• [02:19] Childhood, musicals, and fatherhood
• [03:19] Host 1 riffs on musical “manliness”
• [04:24] Mandy’s call: spotting straight men at the musical
• [05:33] Brian’s call: defending “straight dude” honor
• [05:56] Jerry’s call: the musical-loving dad
• [06:46] Billy’s call: singing makes the world better

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Episode Tone

The conversation is fast-paced, playful, and at times, gently mocking—both of Bert’s “dad” predicament and the gender stereotypes about musicals. The hosts actively invite differing perspectives, creating a lively, authentic, and funny environment suited to both regular and first-time listeners.

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Summary in a Nutshell

Reluctantly dragged by his family to see Mary Poppins, Bert weathers not only the show but an ongoing barrage of cheerful singalongs—prompting an unfiltered on-air confession. As callers and cohosts challenge (and tease) his assertion that “no real man wants to see Mary Poppins,” the segment turns into a hilarious but affectionate look at family life, gender roles, and the joy (or torment) of musical theater in the minivan era.

Transcript

[Host 1]

They don't realize smart people use smartphones.

[Caller / Guest]

Huh?

[Host 1]

Download TextNow, pay what you want or not at all. Show these ridiculous carriers we're way too

[Caller / Guest]

smart to pay dumb.

[Host 2]

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[Host 1]

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[Bert]

Refreshers contain caffeine. This is the Burt Show. Not exactly my cup of tea. Gotta tell you. But my wife loves the musical, Hayden loves musicals, and Hollis will go wherever we go. So we end up over at the fabulous Fox watching Mary Poppins over the weekend. Two and a half, three hours. The family really enjoyed it.

[Host 2]

Is something quite atrocious if you say it loud enough. You're always super cautious.

[Bert]

It should be in the head, head. So I thought, okay, for three hours, I can jump on the grenade here, man. It's Mother's Day weekend. It's family. Everybody's happy. Let's go see Mary Poppins.

[Host 2]

Yep.

[Bert]

So I went and it wasn't awful, but it was. It's not my cup of tea.

[Host 2]

You should have put a spoonful of sugar in there. Yeah. No. What's wrong with you?

[Bert]

The problem has become after Mary Poppins because I thought you do your time, you get over, you go to dinner. Well, I didn't realize that Stacey bought the soundtrack to Mary Poppins.

[Host 2]

That's great.

[Bert]

So every time we're in the car together now it's a cranked up sing along to Mary Poppins songs.

[Host 2]

Oh, it's a jolly holiday with Mary just like this. We talked about this off air. Like we hold your hand. You feel so grand. Your heart starts beating like a big brass bite. I can't take it anymore.

[Bert]

This is my only escape is in here.

[Host 2]

But see, the thing is, we've talked before about how you. We talked before about how your family is not, you know, not like traditional family.

[Bert]

It wasn't a healthy family.

[Host 2]

It wasn't a healthy family. And so what you missed was those trips to musicals and how it's. That's part of childhood, is all these musicals and the soundtracks and it. And it connects to your childhood.

[Bert]

Please find me one straight man that was excited to go to Mary Poppins

[Host 2]

and his mother's house, there'll be plenty of straight guys. Seriously. Because if they enjoy. Yes. Sorry, guys. If they. Because a lot of times a father will enjoy seeing their children have a good time.

[Host 1]

No, that makes some father. That's a father enjoying it for their kid.

[Bert]

That's exactly what I did.

[Host 2]

I didn't complain about it after the fact.

[Bert]

I wasn't complaining about the show. I was complaining about the constant singing going on afterwards. Bert cranked up.

[Host 1]

Bert is just annoyed that when they're driving Hayden to his planning meetings for the Pride Parade, they've got Mary Poppins piped into the car.

[Host 2]

See, I don't understand why everything has to turn into this. You're not a man if you like musicals.

[Host 1]

It's Mary Poppins.

[Bert]

You want me to be something I'm not? I'm not going to.

[Host 2]

But you don't represent every straight man in America.

[Host 1]

It's not like he was at Wicked or Les Mis or some other musical that's like. Like at least got a testosterone element. It's about a nanny who can fly with an umbrella. It's the gayest musical ever.

[Bert]

I didn't complain through the show. I sat there and I enjoyed my family enjoying it.

[Host 2]

You know what you need, Bert? Just a spoonful. Let the medicine go down the medicine go down Medicine go down so here's

[Bert]

a snapshot of my life. Stacy jacked up her car again. So it's in the shop, right?

[Host 1]

Oh, my God.

[Bert]

The rental that we have now is a minivan. So for the last three days, our minivan has been cruising around with the soundtrack of Mary Poppins as loud as it'll go. And it's just been a snapshot of my life.

[Host 2]

You're a dad. That is. That is a snapshot of your life.

[Bert]

Just because you're a dad doesn't mean you have to totally enjoy Mary Poppins.

[Host 1]

What about the Lion King? A girl, young boy growing up to take over the jungle. Not a flying nanny. Hello. Whatever.

[Host 2]

Whatever.

[Host 1]

Eat some sugar.

[Caller]

Mmm.

[Bert]

Hey, Mandy. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hi. I was just going to tell you I went with a group of girls to go see Mary Poppins last week on Thursday night. And sitting in front of us were two straight guys.

[Host 1]

Hello.

[Bert]

By themselves.

[Caller]

With each other. But they were straight. You could. I mean, it was. They were not there as a couple.

[Host 1]

Yep, they were. Just so, you know, you were thinking, hey, I could set them up with my friend and. Unless your friend's name is Dave, Steve, or Eric.

[Bert]

No, you couldn't just Those guys were not. They were not straight.

[Caller / Guest]

Right?

[Host 1]

Spoonful of Sugar wasn't the only thing going down that night.

[Caller]

When they were going. They were going to be meeting dates there because there was a lot of checking phones. And their body language seemed a little uncomfortable once it started.

[Host 1]

Right. Because it was their first date.

[Host 2]

Don't argue with them.

[Host 1]

You know what they did is they said, hey, listen, I'm married, you're married. We don't want our wives to know that we're, you know, venturing over the other side. Where can we go where we can find it?

[Host 2]

All her testosterone, straight guys. We get it.

[Bert]

Poppins.

[Host 2]

We got it.

[Bert]

Hey, Brian. Good morning.

[Caller / Guest]

Hey, good morning. I just wanted to say that I did musicals in high school and everything, but, Bert, you're right. You still represent all straight dudes. We don't want to go see that stuff.

[Bert]

You go because your family wants to go, and you enjoy it because your family is enjoying it. But you're going to find very few dudes that actually want to go see Mary Pops.

[Host 1]

I'm sorry, Melissa. That is.

[Host 2]

It doesn't bother me because you're not a straight man.

[Bert]

You're not straight or a man.

[Host 2]

Correct.

[Bert]

Hey, Jerry. Good morning.

[Caller / Guest]

Good morning. How you doing?

[Bert]

Okay.

[Caller / Guest]

What's funny is, I actually love Mary Poppins more than my wife and kids do. Whoa.

[Host 2]

Thank you for calling.

[Host 1]

How about. Do you like it more than your new husband?

[Caller / Guest]

There are plenty of straight guys. I mean, every time I hear chim chimney chimp chimney chim chimp shaboo ears well up in my eyes.

[Bert]

Okay, you're the only. I'm just saying you're the only one calling. That's all I'm saying.

[Host 2]

He's the only one strong enough in his manhood to admit it.

[Host 1]

Do you think he's. Do you sing that song?

[Caller / Guest]

And I'm black And I love Mary Poppins.

[Host 2]

Awesome. Thank you for calling.

[Host 1]

Do you sing that straight?

[Host 2]

And he loves Mary Poppins.

[Host 1]

That Chim chimmery song when he's fixing things around the house, says whole life is a musical. Right.

[Bert]

We found two. I think there's another.

[Host 1]

And then we'll be on Soulmates.

[Bert]

Hey, Billy.

[Host 1]

Good morning.

[Bert]

Hello, sir.

[Caller / Guest]

Yeah, I'm straight as I can be. Man, I love musicals. I like that show Glee. I think the world would be a better place if everybody just sang instead of talking.

[Host 2]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Host 1]

Do you want to end this phone call in song?

[Host 2]

Which Mary Poppins song?

[Caller / Guest]

I love the Burt Show. Sitting in traffic. Great.

[Host 2]

Love it. Good for you. It's a jolly ol a day with you.

[Bert]

But I can't do it anymore. It's the first show.