The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Bert Did WHAT To A Kid On The Playground?!
Date: March 23, 2026

Episode Overview

In this candid and controversial throwback episode, Bert (host) shares a personal parenting confession that he admits may make some listeners "dislike him forever." The story centers on a playground incident where Bert, frustrated with another parent's unruly child, acts in a way he never thought he would. The Bert Show cast—Bart, Kristin, and other familiar voices—unpack the incident, discuss parenting philosophies around discipline, and open the phones for listeners to weigh in with their own experiences and judgments.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Playground Confession (01:04-05:53)

• Context: Bert describes a trip to the zoo with his young kids, Hollis (19 months) and Hayden (6 years old). At the playground, he fixates on a particularly aggressive, disruptive child (around 6 years old).
• The Incident: After the child repeatedly pushes and elbows other kids, including Bert’s, Bert admits:
  • “He ran by me and I pinched the back of his arm. Not even my kid, a strange kid.” (04:48, Bert)
  • He explains he didn’t reprimand the child verbally, just acted out of a "knee jerk reaction" (05:21, Bert).
  • Bert describes complex feelings: immediate guilt but also a sense of vindication (05:46, Bert).

2. Cast & Caller Reactions (05:53-11:12)

• Immediate Reactions:

  • Bart reacts with disbelief: “Way to go, tough guy.” (05:55, Bart)
  • Kristin and Caller 2 both push back on the physical action, even as they see the humor/relatability in the situation.
  • Bart teases Bert about the childishness of his action: “You became a child like you did. What kid?” (07:40, Bart)
  • Bert admits: “Such a knee jerk reaction.” (07:19, Jeff/Bert)

• Philosophy on Parenting & Discipline:

  • The group debates whether parents of “bratty” kids realize it, and whether discipline is lacking or simply given up (06:24-07:04).
  • Bart references the TV show “Nanny”—some parents throw in the towel, and their children know it.

• Physical vs. Verbal Responses:

  • Bert and his wife Stacy disagree about how to teach Hayden to handle bullies:
    • Bert: “My first reaction is like, tell them to stop. And if they don’t stop, then punch him in the eye.” (08:03, Jeff)
    • Stacy: “Nope, under no circumstances do you throw a punch.” (08:06, Jeff paraphrasing Stacy)
  • Cast members debate whether it’s a gendered issue, and how things change if siblings are defending each other.

3. Listener Calls & Candid Confessions (11:12-14:39)

• Parents Relate to Bert’s Frustration:

  • Donna (Caller): “I give you kudos for doing that…You should control your child. I would never let my grandson do that…” (11:17, Donna)
  • Several callers admit to fantasizing about or nearly physically intervening with other people's kids.

• Confessions of Crossing the Line:

  • Caller on “voice disguiser” (Barbara): “I just got so upset and I went and pushed the little girl down and made her cry. And I want you to leave my babies alone… She didn’t mess with them anymore.” (13:24, Barbara)
  • This leads to laughter and recognition—many parents feel the urge, but most never act.

• Calls for Balance & Criticism:

  • Darren (Caller): Offers a critical perspective—“If I would have saw somebody else touching one of my children, it would have been a problem.” (14:13, Darren)
  • Bert acknowledges: “Yeah, you probably do…I would absolutely have confronted me on it.” (10:04, Jeff/Bert)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bert on crossing the parental line:
  “He ran by me and I pinched the back of his arm. Not even my kid, a strange kid.” — Bert (04:48)

• Immediate guilt and vindication:
  “As soon as I did it, I felt really bad about it. But…felt a little vindicated by it.” — Bert (05:46)

• On what he’d do if roles were reversed:
  “If somebody did the same…you would go up to that dude and go, dude, did you seriously just pinch a five year old?” — Bart (10:11)

• Listener confession with humor:
  “Oh, yes. I thought about doing the same thing. You’ve done worse. Pushing them down the slide.” — Donna (11:50)
  “It’s like the mama bear came out of me and I was ready to take this kid out.” — Carla (13:08)

• Pushback from a critical caller:
  “If I would have saw somebody else touching one of my children, it would have been a problem.” — Darren (14:13)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:04 – Bert begins story of the playground incident
• 04:48 – The pinch: Bert confesses to pinching the other child
• 05:53 – Cast reactions and debates on parental responsibility and discipline
• 08:03 – Debate over how to teach Hayden to deal with bullies
• 11:17 – First listener calls in, shares similar frustrations at the playground
• 13:24 – “Voice disguiser” call, parent admits to pushing a troublesome child
• 14:13 – Caller Darren criticizes Bert’s actions, calls for boundaries

Overall Tone & Takeaways

The episode is raw, unfiltered, and unapologetically real—classic Bert Show. The cast and callers approach the topic with humor but also dive into genuine debates about parenting, boundaries, and how society navigates child discipline in public spaces. The overlying message: the line between parenting instinct and social acceptability is thin, and many parents secretly toe that line.

For Listeners Who Missed It

• Expect an honest, messy, and funny debate about modern parenting challenges.
• Bert’s confession opens the door for a much wider conversation about discipline, confrontation, and judgment among parents—and the complex emotions these situations stir up.
• You’ll hear both camaraderie and criticism among the cast and listeners, making for a thought-provoking and relatable episode.