Vault: Bert Did WHAT To A Kid On The Playground?!

Summary

The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Bert Did WHAT To A Kid On The Playground?!
Date: March 23, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this candid and controversial throwback episode, Bert (host) shares a personal parenting confession that he admits may make some listeners "dislike him forever." The story centers on a playground incident where Bert, frustrated with another parent's unruly child, acts in a way he never thought he would. The Bert Show cast—Bart, Kristin, and other familiar voices—unpack the incident, discuss parenting philosophies around discipline, and open the phones for listeners to weigh in with their own experiences and judgments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Playground Confession (01:04-05:53)

• Context: Bert describes a trip to the zoo with his young kids, Hollis (19 months) and Hayden (6 years old). At the playground, he fixates on a particularly aggressive, disruptive child (around 6 years old).
• The Incident: After the child repeatedly pushes and elbows other kids, including Bert’s, Bert admits:
  • “He ran by me and I pinched the back of his arm. Not even my kid, a strange kid.” (04:48, Bert)
  • He explains he didn’t reprimand the child verbally, just acted out of a "knee jerk reaction" (05:21, Bert).
  • Bert describes complex feelings: immediate guilt but also a sense of vindication (05:46, Bert).

2. Cast & Caller Reactions (05:53-11:12)

• Immediate Reactions:

  • Bart reacts with disbelief: “Way to go, tough guy.” (05:55, Bart)
  • Kristin and Caller 2 both push back on the physical action, even as they see the humor/relatability in the situation.
  • Bart teases Bert about the childishness of his action: “You became a child like you did. What kid?” (07:40, Bart)
  • Bert admits: “Such a knee jerk reaction.” (07:19, Jeff/Bert)

• Philosophy on Parenting & Discipline:

  • The group debates whether parents of “bratty” kids realize it, and whether discipline is lacking or simply given up (06:24-07:04).
  • Bart references the TV show “Nanny”—some parents throw in the towel, and their children know it.

• Physical vs. Verbal Responses:

  • Bert and his wife Stacy disagree about how to teach Hayden to handle bullies:
    • Bert: “My first reaction is like, tell them to stop. And if they don’t stop, then punch him in the eye.” (08:03, Jeff)
    • Stacy: “Nope, under no circumstances do you throw a punch.” (08:06, Jeff paraphrasing Stacy)
  • Cast members debate whether it’s a gendered issue, and how things change if siblings are defending each other.

3. Listener Calls & Candid Confessions (11:12-14:39)

• Parents Relate to Bert’s Frustration:

  • Donna (Caller): “I give you kudos for doing that…You should control your child. I would never let my grandson do that…” (11:17, Donna)
  • Several callers admit to fantasizing about or nearly physically intervening with other people's kids.

• Confessions of Crossing the Line:

  • Caller on “voice disguiser” (Barbara): “I just got so upset and I went and pushed the little girl down and made her cry. And I want you to leave my babies alone… She didn’t mess with them anymore.” (13:24, Barbara)
  • This leads to laughter and recognition—many parents feel the urge, but most never act.

• Calls for Balance & Criticism:

  • Darren (Caller): Offers a critical perspective—“If I would have saw somebody else touching one of my children, it would have been a problem.” (14:13, Darren)
  • Bert acknowledges: “Yeah, you probably do…I would absolutely have confronted me on it.” (10:04, Jeff/Bert)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bert on crossing the parental line:
  “He ran by me and I pinched the back of his arm. Not even my kid, a strange kid.” — Bert (04:48)

• Immediate guilt and vindication:
  “As soon as I did it, I felt really bad about it. But…felt a little vindicated by it.” — Bert (05:46)

• On what he’d do if roles were reversed:
  “If somebody did the same…you would go up to that dude and go, dude, did you seriously just pinch a five year old?” — Bart (10:11)

• Listener confession with humor:
  “Oh, yes. I thought about doing the same thing. You’ve done worse. Pushing them down the slide.” — Donna (11:50)
  “It’s like the mama bear came out of me and I was ready to take this kid out.” — Carla (13:08)

• Pushback from a critical caller:
  “If I would have saw somebody else touching one of my children, it would have been a problem.” — Darren (14:13)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:04 – Bert begins story of the playground incident
• 04:48 – The pinch: Bert confesses to pinching the other child
• 05:53 – Cast reactions and debates on parental responsibility and discipline
• 08:03 – Debate over how to teach Hayden to deal with bullies
• 11:17 – First listener calls in, shares similar frustrations at the playground
• 13:24 – “Voice disguiser” call, parent admits to pushing a troublesome child
• 14:13 – Caller Darren criticizes Bert’s actions, calls for boundaries

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

The episode is raw, unfiltered, and unapologetically real—classic Bert Show. The cast and callers approach the topic with humor but also dive into genuine debates about parenting, boundaries, and how society navigates child discipline in public spaces. The overlying message: the line between parenting instinct and social acceptability is thin, and many parents secretly toe that line.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

• Expect an honest, messy, and funny debate about modern parenting challenges.
• Bert’s confession opens the door for a much wider conversation about discipline, confrontation, and judgment among parents—and the complex emotions these situations stir up.
• You’ll hear both camaraderie and criticism among the cast and listeners, making for a thought-provoking and relatable episode.

Transcript

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[Caller 1]

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[Alex Canceroitz]

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[Jeff]

The bird Show. All right, I'm gonna throw myself under the bus here, okay. And it goes against every radio guideline we have because essentially, I mean this is a popularity contest.

[Bart]

Well actually that last break went along every radio guideline.

[Jeff]

I think even in our failure it was fun.

[Caller 2]

Anyway we tried.

[Jeff]

But this one here, I mean our goal really is to make you guys like us and listen to us. It's a popularity contest. That's what our ratings are based on. And I think I'm gonna share a story with you guys that comes from personal experience. It's gonna make you got a lot of you guys dislike me forever. Cuz had this happened to my kid and somebody else was relaying the story, I would look at them differently.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Happened two weeks ago, we took the kids to the zoo. And at the very tail end of the day, like right before you exit the zoo, there's a playground there. It's like the last thing you can do with all the kids, they get to hang out and there's this playground, it's safe in there and they're all, you know, it's like any other playground, complete pandem. And you got all sorts of kids in there from all sorts of different ages. I mean you've got from my youngest 18 month old to like kids that are 8 10, 12 years old, all jumping on the equipment and stuff also. Right. So we're in the playground and I'm watching Hollis because Hayden's six years old now. He can pretty much take care of himself on a playground. I don't worry about him. But the 18 month old man or the 19 month old, that's the one that sketches me out.

[Bart]

That's the age where they'll just hustle away if you take your eyes off him.

[Jeff]

Right, yeah, there's that. But I mean, it's in a confined space, so I knew he wasn't going to take off. But you got to watch. I mean, they don't have any kind of. They have no judgment of who's around them. And they're just walking to what they see. And it doesn't matter who runs in front of them, they're gonna get knocked over. If there's a. If there's a. What's this deal? Yeah, the seesaw. You know, they see this, they'll go right underneath it. He's 19 months old, so I'm a little sketched out. So I am gingerly following him like I am six inches from him. I hate playgrounds to begin with. I do. As a parent, it's the one place I hate to go more than any place else is the playground. I am sketch. It's just a disaster area for injury. Right.

[Caller 2]

And do you think it's because Hayden had gotten stitches one time? Didn't he get stitches?

[Jeff]

That wasn't at the playground, that was in a bathtub. Yeah, but just the way that they're set up and everything, they can fall easily. They can fall off of things if you're not watching. I am just always sketched out when my kids are at a playground. So anyway, here we are in this overcrowded playground at the zoo and my 19 month old is working his way up like slides and down slides with every one of the other kids. And you realize that after a while as a parent, you get all different walks of life and the way kids are raised are so different. There are some kids that are completely out of hand. And there are other kids that are very disciplined. There are other kids that could not care less who's around them and who's in line. They are butting to the front of the line and they are elbowing other kids and it doesn't matter. They have no radar, no consciousness of. All right, rude. So I'm following Hollis around and he's. I'm watching this one kid. It's the one kid on the playground who's just starting to get underneath my skin.

[Bart]

Oh, no.

[Jeff]

Cause he is, like, pushing kids down. How old is he? And he looked like he was 6 years old. All right, he's pushing kids down. He's not waiting his turn. He's bugging all the other kids. He's pushing on him, he's pulling on him. Overly aggressive kid. So I'm on a. Just about to get on a slide with Hollis when this kid works his way up the slide, and again he's elbowing left and right and he runs into me and runs under my legs and he's just being obnoxious. And generally you have a filter to stop doing something like this. He ran by me and I pinched the back of his arm. Not even my kid, a strange kid.

[Caller 2]

Did you correct him on something like,

[Jeff]

hey, didn't even talk to him. He just went by me and I just knew that he was under my skin. And I just knew that somehow, some way, someone had to stop the kid.

[Bart]

So you pinched him?

[Jeff]

I pinched him on the tricep.

[Bart]

And what happened?

[Jeff]

He looked around like, where did that come. It wasn't enough to like, make him cry or make him go ah. Or yell, but he felt it.

[Bart]

It would probably.

[Jeff]

And he looked around and he couldn't tell what kid did it, but it was me.

[Caller 1]

That is so bizarre.

[Caller 2]

That is so bizarre that you wouldn't, like, reprimand him?

[Jeff]

No. I didn't say, hey, wait your turn or anything, which I normally would. I just think that I had built myself up into such a lather and I disliked this kid so much that this strange kid walked by me that

[Caller 2]

you pinched him and didn't take responsibility for.

[Jeff]

And I sort of had a Scrubs moment, you know, where they see things but they don't really do it. And you have that mental filter to stop it. And my arms just reached out and I nailed them right there on the tricep. And as soon as I did it, I felt really bad about it. But there was some part of me felt a little vindicated by it. Mm. Wow.

[Caller 2]

I pinch in a six year old. Do you judge.

[Bart]

Way to go, tough guy.

[Caller 2]

Do you judge yourself more for doing that or his parents for having an unruly kid and not doing anything about it?

[Jeff]

I put it on his parents. Yeah.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Like, I think kids, basically, they. I mean, there are some kids that are naturally more aggressive than others, but I also think it's the responsibility of the parents to say, look, when you're in this atmosphere, you gotta, you gotta, you Gotta slow it down, man. You gotta wait your turn. You got nine kids in front of you and you've got little kids also. And learn how to not be rude.

[Caller 2]

Do you think that those parents know that they have brats for kids? Like, are there parents that will admit, yeah, I haven't done a great job disciplining my kids and my kids are brats.

[Jeff]

I don't know if parents that have brats know that they are or not or I think some of them have given up.

[Bart]

Some of them do have.

[Jeff]

Just like on, that's it. That's just the way he is.

[Caller 2]

I've never heard a parent admit, yeah, my kids are rotten, evil brats.

[Bart]

I've heard that.

[Jeff]

Really?

[Bart]

Even think of the TV show the Nanny. Yep, he's just a brat. He punches his sister, he won't eat his dinner, he won't clean his room. There's nothing I can do with him. And like Bert said, once the parent has given up, then that is like their white flag. They're like, brat. The word brat is written out and kid wins.

[Jeff]

And once he wins like that, he knows it or she knows it, you

[Caller 2]

know, But I, of course, I can't condone the pinching, even though I think that's funny.

[Jeff]

That was very six year old of you.

[Bart]

Cigarette later around.

[Caller 2]

But I don't.

[Jeff]

Such a knee jerk reaction.

[Caller 2]

But I don't criticize parents who discipline other kids when it comes to saying something to them. You know, I mean, I'm not, I'm

[Jeff]

not saying that's what you should have said.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, but if you say something to the kid, I think you're completely in the, you know, it's okay to do that.

[Jeff]

And I've done that before. No problem. You know, for whatever reason, this is just a knee jerk reaction. And I physically touched a kid.

[Bart]

You became a child like you did. What kid?

[Caller 2]

You did. You became a little kid.

[Bart]

What would you say to Hayden if Hayden pinched another kid? You'd yell at him.

[Jeff]

Well, me and his mom don't really see eye to eye on that whole thing.

[Bart]

Oh, what do you want him to beat? You want him to beat his ass?

[Jeff]

No, not beat ass, but he's starting to get picked on by some kids at school. And my first reaction is like, tell them to stop. And if they don't stop, then punch

[Bart]

him in the eye.

[Jeff]

Give them back to what they're giving you. And Stacy's like, nope, under no circumstances do you throw a punch. So we've gone round and round about

[Bart]

that, but are they picking on him. Like pushing physically?

[Jeff]

Yeah, knock them out. That's what I say.

[Caller 1]

Yes.

[Jeff]

She's telling him, go to the teacher. Teacher will take care of it. I just think it's soft. I know, I don't like it.

[Bart]

It's 1000% a guy girl thing.

[Caller 2]

No, it's not.

[Jeff]

You say go ahead.

[Caller 2]

I say don't, don't. Don't start the fight, but finish it.

[Jeff]

That's what I say. I said give him the warning. Like say stop, stop, stop. And if he keeps doing it, then push him back. Yeah, I mean, do your thing.

[Caller 2]

Is he sticking up for a difference of opinion? But it's not a gender thing if he's sticking up for someone else. Like, I wonder if Stacy would change her tune if somebody was picking on Hollis and Hayden came in to defend him. Yeah, she would want him to defend his little brother.

[Jeff]

It hasn't evolved into that, but yeah, I would want him to push the other kid down. She told me that some other kid, like someone was making fun of Hayden the other day because he's small and some other kid came up and defended Hayden.

[Caller 2]

Oh yeah. That's cool. Good for that kid.

[Bart]

Yeah. Have you taught Hayden the trick about holding a roll of coins in his hand when he hit someone?

[Jeff]

I haven't got him working the numb jugs the rings on the fingers.

[Bart]

Aiden with numb chucks is awesome.

[Jeff]

Hey Alice, good Morning. You're on Q1.

[Caller 1]

Hey Gu. I just gotta say, Bart, you talking about a popularity contest? I listened to you forever. Now you just. I think you lived out a lot of parents dreams.

[Jeff]

I seriously don't know what came over me. And I felt bad about it after it happened, but it was just my knee jerk reaction is to like sometimes

[Caller 1]

those kids are just so completely out of control and you know, you either want to pinch the kid or you want to pinch the parent. And it's like, what are you doing?

[Jeff]

And you never do it. You just don't do it.

[Caller 2]

But you want to.

[Bart]

Let me ask you. Can I ask you a question?

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bart]

Do you think, what are the percentage wise. What are the chances that you get into a verbal or physical altercation with the man you witness pinching your son for cutting in line?

[Jeff]

Well, I gotta be honest. Yeah, you probably do. I mean I think as father to father, you go up to him and you go, what did you just do?

[Bart]

Did it like if you said. Let's just say, yeah, if somebody did the same, you were at the bottom of the slide and you just happened to look up at the same Time you're like, you would go up to that dude and go, dude, did you seriously just pinch a five year old?

[Jeff]

Yes, I would absolutely do that. I would have absolutely confronted me on it.

[Bart]

If you had gotten into a fist fight over pinching a six year old.

[Jeff]

I know you realize that's a zoo. Nonetheless,

[Bart]

you do realize dad wars if I got that phone call about, hey, Jeff, we're gonna have to find a way to deal with this on Monday. I got arrested Saturday afternoon. I got arrested on Saturday. I'm like, oh, did you get in a fight at Jack and Diane's? No. I did get in a fight, though, at the zoo. At the where? At the zoo Playground.

[Jeff]

Right after the petting zoo. You know that playground?

[Bart]

I got in a fight at the playground at the zoo. Is that that new bar on Moreland? No, literally, I was at the zoo in the playground, and I pitched just every step of that story. I wouldn't believe you. So I pinched a six year old. What?

[Jeff]

Hey, Donna, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller 1]

Hey, how y' all doing?

[Jeff]

All right.

[Caller 1]

I love your show. Listen to it every day. Thanks, but I give you kudos for doing that. I take my grandson to the park and to the playground, and I experience. He's 3 and big. Kids like 8 years old are not supposed to be on this playground. They're for five year olds. But I don't care. I don't say anything. But they'll shove him down the slide. They'll push him out of the way. He's scared to go up. The parents are sitting there. So you know what? You should control your child. I would never let my grandson do that, so.

[Jeff]

But you thought about it.

[Caller 1]

Oh, yes. I thought about doing the same thing. You've done worse. Pushing them down the slide.

[Jeff]

But you got that mental filter where you don't do it.

[Bart]

I would almost. I mean, we would have.

[Caller 2]

I was really. An episode of.

[Bart]

We would have to get a voice disguiser that's like built by the CIA to get these phone calls.

[Caller 2]

Oh, no.

[Bart]

But I guarantee you that there are teachers who have tripped or pushed down kids. Absolutely.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Bart]

Like, I guarantee it. Like the kid, it just won't stop running. And the teacher's, like, letting them all in the classroom when they go by just gives a little, you know, I

[Jeff]

don't think anybody would confess to it.

[Bart]

What do they weigh, 40 pounds? It's not hard to get them down on the ground.

[Jeff]

Hey, Carla, you're on Q100. Go ahead.

[Bart]

You just don't even you can use three fingers.

[Caller 1]

Hey, Bert, I was gonna say, I totally agree with you. I have a 15 month old and I hate the playground as well. This kid was bothering my kid the whole time he ran by. I was gonna trip him. I look around. His mom happened to go around the corner at that time. But I totally agree. It's the parents responsibility to teach your kid how to act. And snotty kids that come to the park coughing and hacking. It's a nightmare.

[Bart]

Did you really. Did you just conf to looking around to make sure, quote, the coast was clear before you assaulted the five year old?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, I sure did. It's like the mama bear came out of me and I was ready to take this kid out.

[Jeff]

I didn't do any recon. It was a knee jerk reaction. She's worse than I am.

[Bart]

Oh, that's funny.

[Jeff]

You were looking for a teacher to confess that they actually pushed that away. Here we go. Hey, Barbara, you're on the voice disguiser.

[Caller 1]

Hi, Bert. I love y' all show. I love calling. My baby used to be in daycare and they were one and there was always this little two year old, you know when they're mixing, when they're learning to get to the day class, there was always this two year old, I guess who would be pushing on them. And so they were one. And I took it as kids being kids. And one day my babies were crying. I went to go pick them up and they're like. She pushed on them again. You know, she pushed them and I just got so upset and I went and pushed the little girl down and made her cry. And I want you to leave my babies alone. And they were little cute, innocent things and I felt better after that. She didn't mess with them anymore.

[Jeff]

I'm sure she did it.

[Caller 2]

Poor thing.

[Jeff]

Come out, man.

[Caller 1]

That's sad.

[Caller 2]

She's having nightmares about that.

[Jeff]

I don't want to condone this kind of behavior. So I feel like I got to take a call for somebody that's chewing my ass out.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Darren, go ahead. Good morning. How you doing? Hey, what's up, man? I got to disagree with you. I don't think pinching the kid was right. I agree with you. It was absolutely wrong. I mean, I'm a. I'm a parent myself. I've. I have five kids actually. And I gotta tell you, if I would have saw somebody else touching one of my children, it would have been a problem. Yeah, Jeff said the same thing. Had somebody done that to my kid, I definitely want to confront of the dad for sure. Absolutely.

[Caller 2]

There's something with a guy with a northern accent who says, yeah, do we got a problem?

[Jeff]

We got a problem Here you do the vert show. Tyler redick here from 2311 Racing. Another checkered flag for the books. Time to celebrate with Chumba. Jump [e-mail] let's Chumba. No purchase necessary. BTW group void where prohibited by law. CTNCs21+ sponsored by Chumba Casino.

[Bart]

This is Mike Bolow of Lexicon Valley

[Jeff]

and I'm Bob Garfield. Are you one of those people who sometimes uses words?

[Bart]

Do you communicate or acquire information with, you know, language?

[Jeff]

Hey, us too. So join us on Lexicon Valley to chew over the history, culture and many mysteries of English, plus some wisecracks.

[Bart]

Find us on one of those apps where people listen to podcasts.

[Jeff]

The sun's shining, birds are singing, and all feels right in the world. Until the season changes and suddenly you lose your motivation to get out of bed. In fact, one in five people experience some form of depression no matter the season or time of year. At the American Psychiatric association foundation, our vision is to build a mentally healthy nation for all, because we want you to live your best life and be your best you all year round.

[Alex Canceroitz]

Please visit mentallyhealthynation.org to learn more.