Vault: Bert has a life long dream to catch a marlin

Summary

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The Bert Show – Vault: Bert Has a Lifelong Dream to Catch a Marlin

Date: June 15, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on Bert’s decades-long, almost quixotic quest to catch a marlin—a dream first inspired by Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea. Bert recounts his exhaustive, expensive, and frustrating adventures in deep-sea fishing, all of which have led to nothing but near-misses and “the world’s worst luck.” Hilarity, camaraderie, and a little commiseration abound as the cast examines Bert’s fishing curse and brainstorms ways to turn his luck around.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Origin of Bert’s Marlin Dream

• Bert traces his obsession with catching a marlin back to reading The Old Man and the Sea in eighth grade. Ever since then, he’s wanted to “live that for one day”—to fight a marlin for hours, even if it left his hands bloody.
• [01:42 | Bert: “At that point I was just like, I want to live that for one day. I want to catch that marlin. I want to fight with it for hours. I wanted to go all night. I want my hands to be bloody. This is what I want, man.”]

2. Bert’s Long History of Failure at Sea

• Despite participating in upwards of 20 deep-sea fishing trips—from Costa Rica, Cabo San Lucas, and Venezuela to the Florida Keys—Bert has never come close to catching a marlin. He’s barely caught any fish at all.
• “On these deep-sea fishing charters, if you've never been on one, really, all you do is you get on the boat and the crew does everything for you...you don’t even have to be good at it in order to catch a fish.” [02:29 | Bert]
• Joking that luck (not skill) is the issue, Bert admits: “I am the world's worst fisherman.” [02:49 | Bert]

3. Another Attempt in Key Largo

• Over the weekend in Key Largo, Bert seizes the chance to fish with friends who own sport fishing boats. There’s hope: the sailfish are “running” and marlin season is on.
• The Setup: Two boats head out with different groups—Bert’s wife Stacy rides with him. The trip promises a shot at the elusive marlin.
• The Letdown: Shortly after anchoring, the other boat reports a triumphant sailfish catch (almost as coveted as a marlin). Over the next hours, that boat lands three sailfish, three kingfish, and a shark.
  • Bert’s boat? “Not one nibble. Not one fish.” [06:58 | Bert]

4. The Curse Intensifies

• Bert describes how his poor luck seems to jinx every fishing process. Even “bottom fishing” (supposedly foolproof), yields no results.
• “We dropped two lines, stayed an hour bottom fishing. Not one fish.” [07:47 | Bert]
• His fellow boatmates nearly throw him overboard in disbelief.

5. Jinx or Curse? The Team Responds

• The crew pokes fun at Bert’s “cursed” fishing karma, suggesting rituals to break the streak—herbs, burning sticks, even a voodoo priestess or hypnotist.
• [07:57 | Co-Host D: “You’re a fish repellent.”]
• [08:09 | Co-Host D: “Something. We need to cleanse something that’s going on with you.”]

6. The Quest Continues

• Bert’s undaunted. In four weeks, he’s heading to Costa Rica for another attempt—only this time, maybe the team will help him “cleanse” his luck beforehand.
• [08:43 | Bert: “I mean, I’m watching boats all around us...they’re bringing in boats, and I can hear them saying, ‘This is the best day of our lives.’ And I’ve got zero.”]
• “This ends here. Costa Rica is going to be a fresh start for me. Maybe you should get hypnotized.” [08:52 | Co-Host D]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [01:42 | Bert (on his dream): “I want to live that for one day. I want to catch that marlin...This is what I want, man.”]
• [02:49 | Bert: “I am the world's worst fisherman.”]
• [04:52 | Bert (summing up costs): “We're probably into a week out of my life now and thousands of dollars trying to catch a big fish.”]
• [07:24 | Bert (on the crew's reaction): “I was telling the guys on the ship that I never catch fish, and they almost throw you overboard.”]
• [07:57 | Co-Host D: “You’re a fish repellent.”]
• [08:43 | Bert (on seeing other boats succeed): “I can hear them saying, ‘This is the best day of our lives.’ And I’ve got zero.”]
• [08:52 | Co-Host D: “This ends here. Costa Rica is going to be a fresh start for me. Maybe you should get hypnotized.”]

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Content | |-----------|---------| | 01:41–02:15 | Bert recounts the Hemingway inspiration and the lifelong marlin dream. | | 02:29–03:15 | The reality of deep-sea charters and Bert’s “world’s worst fisherman” claim. | | 04:52–05:35 | Reflects on the massive time and money spent; the latest Key Largo fishing plan unfolds. | | 05:57–06:27 | The other boat’s early success; Bert’s growing frustration. | | 06:58–07:51 | Bert’s boat is completely fishless despite trying every trick. | | 07:57–08:22 | The team’s suggestions for breaking the curse escalate: “You’re a fish repellent.” | | 08:43–08:59 | Bert’s resolve to reset his luck and try again in Costa Rica. |

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Tone & Style

The episode is classic The Bert Show: self-deprecating, candid, and hilarious, with friends roasting each other and offering questionable but heartfelt advice. Bert’s frustration is real but never dark; the camaraderie keeps things playful. The team’s laughter and brainstorming ensure the conversation stays light, relatable, and laugh-out-loud funny for listeners.

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Conclusion

For listeners, this episode is both a comical tale of relentless bad luck and a warm portrait of friendship. Bert’s determination (bordering on stubbornness) in his fishing quest is matched by the cast’s commitment to cheering him on—and plotting ever more creative ways to help him break his “fish curse.” Whether you’re a dream-chaser or just enjoy a good running gag, this episode is both funny and strangely inspiring.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[D]

Lifelong dream, right?

[C]

Lifelong. I think, you know, like back in the eighth grade or whatever when you're, you get your book list from an English teacher and you're supposed to read all these classic novels. One that I wrote, I read was, was Old man in the Sea, Ernest Hemingway, great book. And at that point I was just like, I want to live that for one day. I want to catch that marlin. I want to fight with it for hours. I wanted to go all night. I want my hands to be bloody. This is what I want, man. So I've had this dream My whole life to catch a marlin. And I say, I have been in pursuit of this thing now. I mean, I read that book in 8th grade so when I could start doing vacations myself. So probably 20 years ago. 20 years ago, probably. I've been going deep sea fishing now and trying to catch a marlin. And I am the world's worst fisherman. And on these deep sea fishing charters, if you've never been on one, really, all you do is you get on the boat and the crew does everything for you. You don't even have to be good at it because they do everything. They bait your hook, they throw it out into the water. When the fish starts running, they put you into a seat, allegedly, and they put the pole basically between your legs and lock you in. And then you fight with that fish. So you don't even have to be good at it in order to catch a fish.

[D]

I should say, really, if you're not catching it, isn't it their fault? I mean, they're the bad fishermen, right? Not you.

[C]

You would say so they gotta take

[B]

the boat to where the fish are. They don't even do that. Not your fault.

[C]

You'd say that. That's probably the truth if it didn't happen to you three times. But we're talking about 20 times now, probably, and I'm trying not to overhype the number, but I probably have gone on 20 different fishing trips and, and never been close to catching this thing. And never. And I'd say in those 20 fishing trips, I've probably caught five fish, anything. Wahoo, grouper, tuna, trout. Five, probably five. So I'm jinxed when it comes to fishing. Been to Costa Rica, did Cabo San Lucas. These are all like sport fishing capitals of the world, right? Venezuela. You can't. You can't jump in the water in Venezuela without scraping your ass on a blue marlin spin. These charter trips are like hours and hours at sea, right? They're at least four or five hours and they cost a lot of money. So Stacy and I were trying to figure out over the weekend the calculation of how much time and money I've spent on this thing. It's probably. We're probably into a week out of my life now and thousands of dollars trying to catch a big fish. So I was in Key Largo this weekend for a friend's birthday party. And I thought, you know what, let's give this saying another shot. I'm down here in Florida, the Keys, in our own country, Another one of those deep sea fishing capitals. Of the world. What? Islamorada, Marathon, Key Largo, Key West. That's where you go to catch these big marlin, right? So as luck would have it, two of the guys at the party had sport fishing boats and they were going out Saturday morning. 2. Okay. So they make the announcement Friday night at one of our cocktail parties. Hey, whoever wants to go fishing tomorrow morning, you gotta be up at 7am but we're gonna get out there at 8. We're gonna catch fish tomorrow. There's sailfish running right now. Maybe a marlin. For sure. We're catching something.

[B]

So you don't have to. This is good. Cause you don't have to write a check this time.

[C]

That's what Stacy's feeling is also. Right. But getting up at seven in the morning on a Saturday morning, when we have to normally get up at 3:15, I'm like on the fence about it. Well, Stacy gets up at 6 on Saturday morning and she can't fall back asleep. So she's like, hey, hey, let's go on this sport fishing trip.

[D]

Let's go ahead.

[C]

You're gonna catch that fish. Today's the day. Today is the day. Get up. So I did. We both got up. And there are two boats going out, right? There's one with me and four other guys on it. There's another boat going out with like six people, right?

[B]

Did Stacy go on your boat or the one with the other guys?

[C]

She went out on my boat. So there's me, Stacy, a couple other dudes. So we go in one direction, the other boat goes the other direction, right?

[D]

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, Lord, no. This is just getting sad.

[C]

I know.

[E]

I have a feeling I know where this is going.

[C]

So we are. I mean, we're going way out there, man. I mean, way out. It felt like it took an hour, maybe hour, 15, hour and a half to get out there. And as soon as we stop, the captain's cell phone starts ringing.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

He gets a call from the other boat. Shut up.

[D]

Shut up.

[C]

Oh, my God. We just got a sailfish. Now, sailfish are as difficult to bring in as blue marlin. So the blue marlin is the sexier fish. But a sailfish is something really big deal. It's a really big deal. So I mean, we just.

[D]

Are those the ones that, like, mount over their mantles?

[C]

Those and marlins, but they jump out of the water, they fight hard. I mean, it's the same experience as a marlin. So, I mean, as soon as we stop the boat, we get the first call. From the other boat saying, we got one in the boat already. I'm like, man, I'm happy for them. But I'm thinking, you know, what if it's happening for them not too much further away than we are gonna happen for us, man, if we aren't driving around and trolling around for three hours and our captain's phone is blowing up the entire time. Three kingfish, three sailfish and a shark for the other boat. Not one nibble.

[D]

No, no, nothing.

[C]

One nibble for our boat.

[D]

What was the determining factor on who got on which boat? Like, was there.

[C]

It was just a random basic lottery. Like, I got on one boat because it was going out right then the other people had to drive to their other boat before it was going to take off. And I'm like, that's going to be another hour before they're in the water. So I'm just going on this one right here. Not a bite. Not one bite.

[D]

Zero fish.

[C]

I was telling the guys on the ship that I never catch fish, and they almost throw you overboard. They took it as a challenge. They're like, you know what? I'll tell you what, you're going home with something today. So they redid whatever they did to the lines and the hooks, and we went bottom fishing. And that's like. I mean, the fish that are on the bottom of the ocean are hungry all the time. They will eat everything. We dropped two lines, stayed an hour bottom fishing. Not one fish.

[E]

Nothing.

[C]

Oh, nothing again.

[D]

That's unbelievable.

[C]

It really is a tremendous streak.

[D]

You're a fish repellent.

[C]

Totally.

[D]

We need to bring somebody in with some kind of herb or some kind of burning stick and cleanse you some

[C]

kind of new fishing mojo.

[D]

Something. We need to cleanse something that's going on with you.

[C]

I have put in my time voodoo

[D]

priestess or somebody to come in.

[C]

Now my next shot, it's a hex. In four weeks, I'm going down to Costa Rica. That's my next shot.

[D]

We gotta do this before.

[C]

Do it before?

[D]

Yes. We gotta have somebody in studio to do. I don't know who.

[C]

Who do you call for something like that?

[D]

There are people that cleanse homes to ward spir out of homes and everything. There are plenty of people out there that can do something, bring you new energy, do something for you.

[C]

I mean, I'm watching boats all around us. They're bringing in boats, and I can hear them saying, this is the best day of our lives. And I've got zero.

[D]

And you have hate in your mind.

[C]

I mean, other boats. I'm watching the guys sweat and they're like passing the pole from one guy to the other because it's taking too long to get the fish in. Not our boat.

[D]

This ends here. This ends here. Costa Rica is going to be a fresh start for me. Maybe you should get hypnotized. What's that going to do?

[C]

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