Vault: Bert is not comfortable being naked

Summary

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The Bert Show — “Vault: Bert is not comfortable being naked”

Date: July 24, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this candid and humorous episode, the Bert Show team delves into Bert’s longstanding discomfort with nudity—even when completely alone. Triggered by a recent episode of Tyra Banks’ show on nudity fears, Bert opens up about insecurities surrounding body hair and the deep-rooted origins of his “naked phobia.” The hosts and callers share their own perspectives, making for an open, self-deprecating, and often hilarious group therapy session about self-image, confidence, and what it means to feel comfortable in your skin.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Bert’s “Naked Phobia” Comes Clean

• [01:07] Bert openly admits: "I'm a bit of a naked phobic. I don't like to be naked."
• The group probes: even when he’s alone at home, Bert avoids being nude, even going as far as dodging mirrors.
  • [01:16] Bert: “I can't be in the house by myself naked.”
• He’s uncomfortable just drying off out of the shower; he gets dressed as quickly as possible.

Tyra Banks Show as a Catalyst

• Bert watched Tyra Banks’ show on nudity fears after a recommendation, hoping for inspiration.
• The segment included a “nudity poll” (e.g., how long is normal to be naked in a gym locker room or after intimacy).
• Bert and Stacy found the show nearly unwatchable but did take away some points for reflection:
  • [03:08] Bert: “The whole show is terrible... maybe she just had a bad day. Tyra, not my wife.”

The Locker Room Experience

• Bert confesses that he’s never been naked in a men’s locker room or taken communal showers.
• The group contrasts this with the “comfortable naked older guy” stereotype.
  • [04:35] Bert: “You should be way more confident in your body in your 20s than these dudes are in their 60s… they got no problem at zero.”
• Bert identifies being able to be naked in a locker room as a potential step to overcoming his discomfort.

Naked After Intimacy?

• Further reflection on Tyra Banks’ show's question: “How long do you remain naked after being intimate?”
  • Most of the hosts are comfortable staying naked post-intimacy, sometimes until morning.
  • Bert is not:
    • [05:44] Bert: “Within minutes. By the time Stacey gets back into the room, I’m like, I’m in America.”
  • Humorous banter about morph suits and gimp outfits lightens the mood.

The Real Issue: Body Hair, Not Body Size

• Bert pinpoints his core insecurity: copious body hair stemming from childhood growth hormone treatments that didn’t increase his height but did increase his hairiness:
  • [06:24] Bert: “It’s not a size issue for me. It’s a body hair issue for me.”
  • [08:30] Bert: “My parents put me on growth hormones… it just made me hairier. So I was like a hairy five-year-old kid that was getting crap about it all the time."
• When “manscaped,” Bert feels more at ease, but untrimmed body hair still makes nudity stressful.
• He’s currently going to Ideal Image for laser hair removal on his arms and chest but can’t bring himself to address “other areas.”

Others Relate: Tarantulas and Chewbacca

• Joanna chimes in with her own hair-related insecurities from childhood, including being called “Tarantula” by her brother and receiving a Chewbacca postcard from a peer:
  • [08:00] Joanna: “They called me Tarantula and then when I was young, this kid gave me a postcard with the picture Chewbacca on it… stuff you don’t forget as adults."
  • She still hates going without shaving and avoids being touched if she hasn’t shaved her legs.
• Call-in listener “Lisa” shares a similar body hair-induced comfort barrier, preferring a robe around a boyfriend.
  • [09:28] Lisa: “If I don’t get waxed or anything, there is no way I’m being… I like, have a robe by my bed.”

The Group’s Take: A Mix of Empathy & Comedy

• Melissa and Jen provide comic suggestions (dip into a vat at the laser clinic!).
• The group acknowledges the lingering pain of childhood teasing around body image and how such hurt can persist into adulthood.
• Notable camaraderie and mutual understanding are shared, as several hosts admit lingering self-consciousness about body hair and nudity.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [01:07] Bert: "I'm a bit of a naked phobic. I don't like to be naked."
• [03:08] Bert: “The whole show is terrible… Tyra, not my wife.”
• [04:35] Bert: “You should be way more confident in your body in your 20s than these dudes are in their 60s… and they’re walking around with, like, their taffy all hanging out, and it's like, they got no problem at zero.”
• [05:44] Bert: “Within minutes. By the time Stacey gets back into the room, I'm like, I'm in America."
• [06:24] Bert: “It’s not a size issue for me. It’s a body hair issue for me.”
• [08:00] Joanna: “They called me Tarantula and then when I was young, this kid gave me a postcard with the picture Chewbacca on it.”
• [08:30] Bert: “My parents put me on growth hormones… it didn’t make me taller, it just made me hairier.”
• [09:28] Lisa (caller): “If I don’t get waxed or anything, there is no way I’m being… I like, have a robe by my bed.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:07] — Bert admits his discomfort with nudity, even alone.
• [02:11] — Discussion of Tyra Banks’ show and nudity polls.
• [03:51] — Bert’s revelation: never been naked in men’s locker rooms.
• [05:16] — How long do you stay naked post-intimacy?
• [06:24] — Bert shares his core “body hair” insecurity.
• [07:34] — Joanna and Bert bond over body hair-induced discomfort.
• [08:00] — Joanna’s “Tarantula” childhood story.
• [09:28] — Caller Lisa shares her own hair-related nudity issues.

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Tone & Takeaways

The episode is light, humorous, and extremely candid, as the Bert Show team turns personal vulnerabilities into a broader discussion on body image, self-confidence, and the after-effects of childhood teasing. While plenty of jokes are made, there’s genuine empathy and solidarity as the group and callers identify with Bert’s struggles. The show encourages listeners to be compassionate with themselves—and stay real, no matter what they look like naked.

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Transcript

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[Melissa]

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[Bert]

So, Jen Hobby, I took your advice yesterday.

[Stacy]

Okay.

[Bert]

I have confided. I have opened up and I have told you guys, I'm a bit of a naked phobic. I don't like to be naked.

[Melissa]

That's right.

[Bert]

I don't like to be naked. Naked. Naked at all.

[Melissa]

And you get a workout this year.

[Stacy]

Like we get it that people don't like to be naked in front of like, you know, friends or, you know, even when I'm like, changing clothes with girlfriends around. Like, I try to be modest about it, but Bert doesn't like to be naked when he's all by himself.

[Bert]

No, don't like it. I just don't like. Yeah, I'll avoid mirrors naked. I can't be in the house by myself naked.

[Jen]

Let me ask you this question. And I have question. I have an issue asking you about nudity, but because this is odd. So if you get out of the shower. Right.

[Bert]

Yep.

[Jen]

And you like, would you step in front of the mirror in front of your vanity to brush your hair?

[Bert]

Yeah, I want to avoid a mirror.

[Stacy]

I just.

[Jen]

Yeah, but like with no towel around you.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Stacy]

For a couple seconds to have a towel around.

[Bert]

I prefer. Yeah. I mean, I won't be there naked very long. It'll be. It would just be long enough to probably dry off and then you and

[Stacy]

Stacy don't walk around naked.

[Bert]

No, no, no, no, no. No, I don't walk around naked ever. But I figured out why yesterday. I had sort of an epiphany yesterday after you told me that Tyra Banks was having her show yesterday on nudity and being scared about being nude. I did watch it yesterday. TiVo didn't. We watched it last night, first of all.

[Jen]

Now, were you naked when you watched it? Because you said you were going to.

[Melissa]

That's what I said. It's supposed to be naked.

[Bert]

I didn't.

[Melissa]

Why? I didn't. You were supposed to be naked last weekend by yourself.

[Bert]

No, I'm not really putting forth the effort that I should be to get over this fear, to be honest with you. But she gave me some good ideas watching the show last night.

[Stacy]

Okay.

[Bert]

Places I. That she talked about last night, being naked or things that you should be comfortable doing naked, made me realize I don't do any of them. Like, one of the questions she had on the show. I can play this for you.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bert]

And by the way, what an unwatchable woman. Oh, my God.

[Melissa]

I've never seen it.

[Bert]

So annoying.

[Stacy]

Everything goes back to her.

[Bert]

It wasn't even so much that last night, Stacy and I were both watching it for 15 minutes, and she's like, do we have to continue to watch this? It was so. Maybe she just had a bad day. Tyra, not my wife.

[Jen]

And by day, you mean life.

[Bert]

This was one of the poll they were taking, like a nudity poll that she talked about.

[Lisa]

How long is it normal to be in the gym locker room without a towel? A, never. B, a few minutes locker to shower or C, the entire time you're getting ready?

[Jen]

Is this a.

[Melissa]

Are we in the Caribbean?

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Bert]

What's that?

[Lisa]

I'm sorry.

[Melissa]

Were you in the Caribbean? Obviously.

[Jen]

Steel drums.

[Melissa]

Yeah, in the. In the locker room with me.

[Bert]

The whole show is terrible. It's really bad. I mean, there's nothing great about it. So it made me realize that I have never, ever been in a guy's locker room naked or taking a shower. So as she's bringing these things up, even though it's unwatchable show, I'm thinking, okay, these are little things that I can do to get me more comfortable being naked. So. And I'm sure you guys have all been in locker rooms. No problem. Showering, being naked.

[Lisa]

Yeah.

[Bert]

He's got to wipe the sweat off

[Joanna]

of you, so you got to get in the shower.

[Jen]

I'm.

[Stacy]

I mean, you got to do it as privately as possible. There's some women, though, that will walk around and get ready completely Naked in a gym locker room or, you know, post post hot yoga classes, and they're just walking around like, ew, come on.

[Jen]

There's guys who do that, and they're generally older for some reason.

[Bert]

Yes.

[Jen]

And they just. They're totally cool with it.

[Bert]

And, like, you should be way more confident in your body in your 20s than these dudes are in their 60s. And they're walking around with, like, their taffy all hanging out, and it's like, they got no problem at zero. So that's one thing I can do. Okay, here's another one that made me think, okay, this is something I got to do more often.

[Lisa]

How long is it okay to stay naked after you're in? Just a few minutes.

[Bert]

The question is, how long?

[Melissa]

Hear him from the now we're in a gospel choir and then somebody's, you know, crappy show.

[Bert]

You can't even understand what the question is because the music is so loud.

[Melissa]

Where am I going?

[Bert]

He's asking, how long do you remain naked after you're intimate?

[Melissa]

Oh, okay. So these noises are. Okay, we're in the bedroom now. Okay.

[Jen]

Are you asking general people or, like, Ben Roethlisberger?

[Bert]

Oh, I don't know that they ever got naked. So for a normal person, the answer is what, Jen, would you say immediately? Do you. No rush. I mean, no rush. No rush, Melissa?

[Melissa]

Yeah, no.

[Bert]

No rush.

[Melissa]

None at all. You can stay naked until morning. Yeah, I'm usually. Until I have to go somewhere. Yeah.

[Bert]

Then you're naked. Okay. Not for me.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Really?

[Bert]

No. Within minutes.

[Melissa]

Really?

[Bert]

Within minutes.

[Stacy]

Oh, my God.

[Melissa]

I think Katie would be offended if all of a sudden I.

[Bert]

Within minutes. By the time Stacey gets back into the room, I'm like, I'm in America.

[Jen]

Do you get dressed? Do you just put, like, shorts and a T shirt on? Or do you re. Put on the whole gimp outfit that you were wearing when you started?

[Bert]

The whole what gimp outfit?

[Stacy]

The morph suit.

[Bert]

Oh, yeah.

[Jen]

Oh, my gosh. You need to wear a morph suit under your clothes.

[Bert]

That's sexy. But none of this is sex. Like, I should be there, and I should be able to be naked. Here's what I realized yesterday after watching the show. And this is going to kind of gross you guys out a little bit.

[Jen]

Oh, Lord.

[Bert]

It's not a. It's not a size issue for me. It's a body hair issue for me.

[Melissa]

Which you've always had.

[Bert]

Which I've always had. So. And. And that's really it for me. Like, when I manscape, I'm Fine. But when not, that's when I'm insecure, and that's the whole thing for me.

[Melissa]

But when you manscape, you're fine to walk around naked in the house, even by yourself.

[Bert]

I still wouldn't be entirely comfortable with it, but at least I could do it.

[Jen]

Aren't you going to Tracy's laser hair people?

[Bert]

Yeah, I'm going to Ideal Image. But I'm only having my arms and my chest done. And I don't. No, I can't go back.

[Jen]

You gotta get the speedbag done.

[Bert]

I can't go back there. So that's really the issue for me.

[Melissa]

So it's just. It's the hair issue.

[Bert]

I think it's the hair because you've

[Melissa]

been self conscious about that since you were a kid.

[Bert]

Yes. Joanna can understand this because she said she had the same problems when she was a kid. We just. We're hairy people.

[Melissa]

What'd she call? They call her Tarantula. Her brother or something like that. That's so mean.

[Stacy]

So mean.

[Melissa]

But I'm sure she walks around naked, though. I mean, I don't think she has the same nudity issues.

[Bert]

Well, I don't even know that she

[Melissa]

walks around here naked.

[Jen]

Joanna, when you put a robe on, it's embarrassing. God.

[Bert]

Are you comfortable naked?

[Joanna]

I will say that it is. It's. No, I'm not comfortable.

[Lisa]

Really.

[Joanna]

And I guess it's the hair thing.

[Melissa]

Really. Wow.

[Joanna]

I hate hair. And I. And I don't like to be touched either. Especially if I haven't shaved my legs. Like, do not come near me.

[Lisa]

Really?

[Joanna]

Yes.

[Bert]

I think that's it for me, too.

[Joanna]

So now you know. Don't make fun of us when we're young, because now I would be walking around naked, but I won't because I got made fun of as a young person.

[Melissa]

That's so sad.

[Bert]

Your brothers, like, they called you Tarantula and stuff?

[Joanna]

They called me Tarantula and then when I was young, this kid gave me a postcard with the picture Chewbacca on it.

[SpinQuest Announcer]

Oh, no.

[Joanna]

On the back. Yeah.

[Bert]

Stuff you don't forget even as adults.

[Joanna]

I remember his name and everything.

[Melissa]

Do you shave your arms?

[Joanna]

Yes, I do.

[Bert]

I mean, why don't you go to do the Ideal?

[Joanna]

I'm working on it.

[Melissa]

Oh, what was that dude's name, by the way?

[Joanna]

His name was bj.

[Melissa]

Bj?

[Bert]

The guy, he's got his own set of problems.

[Joanna]

BJ Jones.

[Bert]

BJ Jones.

[Melissa]

You never forget BJ Jones. You got a funny name.

[Bert]

I saw. I told you guys when I was much younger. I was obviously, I'm the shortest adult in my group now. And I was always the shortest kid as well. And I was insecure about it as a kid. So my parents put me on growth hormones, which didn't do any. It didn't make me taller, it just made me hairier. So I was like a hairy 5 year old kid that was getting crap about it all the time. So even as an adult, I'm still really insecure about it. So I think if I can do these things, if I shave, I think I could go to the locker room, I think I could walk around my house, so long as I'm totally and completely scaped.

[Melissa]

But you said that this year, like

[Bert]

that cat that Austin Powers had, the

[Melissa]

hairless cat,

[Jen]

maybe ideal image just has a vat that they can dip you in from the head down. Like they just hold you by the hall and just dip you in there for like 10 seconds.

[Bert]

And I go there, but I just can't go back there that side to do it. I just way too insecure. Hey, Lisa. Good morning.

[Lisa]

Hi, Bert and Joanna. I totally know exactly how you feel. I'm the same exact way. And like, if I don't get waxed or anything, there is no way I'm being. I like, have a robe by my bed.

[Melissa]

So.

[Lisa]

But like, if I'm by myself, I'm fine. But around the boyfriend, I'm like, where's my T shirt?

[Bert]

Yeah, it's a hair issue.

[Melissa]

Yeah, we have a. Yeah. Anyway, whatever. We have issues in our house because there's too many windows. And that's the thing is because, I mean, because we have to remind ourselves there's windows there.

[Bert]

We don't care, really. Yeah.

[Jen]

Your neighbors are like, hey, Melissa, thanks for the 5 things I need to know tonight. Yeah. The Birch Show.

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