Vault: Bert isn't allowed to play celebrity softball

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: Bert Isn’t Allowed to Play Celebrity Softball

Date: July 28, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into a spirited, humorous debate among The Bert Show cast after Bert receives an invitation to play in a celebrity softball game at a major league baseball stadium. Despite his excitement, Bert faces strong opposition from his wife, Stacy, and his co-hosts due to a recent serious knee injury. The group debates risk, responsibility, and the struggle between athletic dreams and family impacts, culminating in a definitive answer from Bert’s surgeon.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Invitation & Bert’s Dilemma

• [01:05-01:59] Bert recounts a chance meeting with Derek Schiller (Braves executive) who invites him to play in a celebrity softball game at The Ted stadium in late June.
• Bert, a lifelong baseball enthusiast, is thrilled:

  "To have the opportunity to play that game in a real major league stadium, that is... a dream for anybody that’s played." (Bert, 02:15)

2. Health Concerns & Family Friction

• [02:00–04:44] Bert is reminded that he just got off crutches after an ACL and meniscus tear from playing soccer.
• Stacy, Bert’s wife, is adamant he shouldn’t play:

  "Her knee jerk reaction was… No, he’s not." (Bert, 03:14)

• Bert calls his physical therapist, who gives him “90% sure” odds of being ready to play by June.

3. The Cast Weighs In

• [04:44–06:03]
  • The team teases Bert about his competitiveness and tendency to play too hard, with quips about his injury-prone record.
  • Cassie:

    "You went fishing and tore your knee in half." (Cassie, 05:14)

  • Bert claims he can play safely:

    "I'm not gonna be diving or anything like that… It’s not soccer." (Bert, 05:10–05:13)

4. Stacy Joins—Voice of Reason or Fun Killer?

• [07:12–11:09]
  • Stacy calls in and makes her stance clear:

    "He can play any sport he wants – next year." (Stacy, 07:55)

  • Stacy doubts Bert can play without going all out, citing his competitive instincts:

    "There’s no way. It’s instinct for you. You can’t do that." (Stacy, 10:04)

  • Argument arises about whether Bert has played in a major league stadium before, and the emotional/physical toll his previous injury took on their young child:

    "Your 3-year-old was so mentally scarred by your knee surgery that he started peeing his pants again." (Stacy, 13:48)

5. Listeners Chime In

• [12:00–13:20]
  • Nikki supports Bert’s desire to play, relating as an athlete herself, only to be questioned about family obligations.

6. Medical Verdict: The Surgeon Speaks

• [14:35–17:54]
  • Bert’s orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Tom McQuail, calls in to provide the final word.
  • Dr. Tom explains the risk of damaging the surgical graft, stating full recovery takes 7–8 months:

    "You take a risk for losing the graft. If you do that, you can. It takes about 7, 8 months for the bone to grow into the graft." (Dr. Tom, 15:49) "If that graft slips then I have to have surgery again… then I’m out again for another, like, five or six months." (Bert, 16:21)

  • Dr. Tom unequivocally recommends Bert not play, and even volunteers him for bat boy or water boy instead:

    "You can be the bat boy. You can even be the water boy." (Dr. Tom, 16:35)

7. The Resolution

• [17:21–17:54]
  • Bert reluctantly concedes:

    "If he says that I can’t play, I can’t play." (Bert, 17:21)

  • The cast revels in their vindication, joking about Bert’s reality show prospects and the likelihood of another opportunity next year.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [02:37] "Maybe you should wait. Just given your propensity for injury, you should just try to find the Paralympics…" — Cassie teasing Bert
• [06:07] "But you can’t just stop playing sports because you had knee surgery." — Bert defending himself
• [07:17] "Wait one year. You’re not an athlete." — Cassie, roasting Bert
  "Damn." — Group’s response
• [10:04] "You are not capable of taking the three seconds to slow yourself down, to not dive for the ball or slide into second…" — Stacy
• [13:20] "The pain that you will be in when you injure yourself is not going to be remotely as painful as your wife having to go through this again… and you’re choosing to do this." — Kristen’s “come to Jesus meeting”
• [13:48] "Your 3-year-old was so mentally scarred by your knee surgery that he started peeing his pants again." — Stacy
• [15:49] "You take a risk for losing the graft. It takes about 7, 8 months for the bone to grow into the graft." — Dr. Tom McQuail

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Important Timestamps

• 01:05 — Bert describes being invited to the celebrity softball game
• 02:10 — Bert reveals extent of his knee injury
• 03:39 — Bert’s passionate justification: “There may not be a next year”
• 04:49 — The team discusses Bert’s physical readiness & risk
• 06:07 — Bert: “You can’t just stop playing sports…”
• 07:12 — Stacy calls in to confront Bert live
• 10:04 — Stacy: “You are not capable of slowing down…”
• 13:20 — Kristen lays out the impact on Bert's family
• 14:35 — Dr. Tom McQuail joins to give the medical verdict
• 15:49 — Dr. Tom: Seven to eight months needed for graft healing
• 16:35 — Dr. Tom: “You can be the bat boy… water boy…”
• 17:21 — Bert concedes: “If he says I can’t play, I can’t play.”

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Tone and Takeaways

The episode is classic Bert Show: fast-paced, funny, and rooted in authentic banter. Bert’s passion for sports—and his struggle to contain it—collides with practical concerns from his wife and co-hosts. Through laughter and honest debate, the cast highlights the balancing act between living life to the fullest and taking care of yourself (and your family).

Bottom line:
Bert’s softball dream is benched—for now—by medical authority and a loving but fed-up support system.

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For more: Visit www.thebertshow.com

Transcript

[A]

Hey, everybody.

[B]

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[C]

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[D]

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[C]

Refreshers contain caffeine. This is the Birch show. Stacy and I are having a bit of a disagreement right now.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

We are. We were out at Krog Bar on Saturday night, and while we were there, we ran into the vice president of the Braves. Is it?

[F]

Yeah, He's a fancy, schmancy guy. Derek Schiller.

[C]

Derek Schiller, okay.

[F]

VP of, I think, marketing and other such important business.

[E]

I believe he's the president of everything.

[C]

He's. You can just tell, you know, like there are some dudes that are just confident that, you know, that they're way up there in an organization. He was that dude.

[F]

Well, he's also 7 foot 4.

[C]

Yeah. Tall dude.

[G]

So he is way up there in the organization.

[F]

So physically he's way up there. And in terms of Braves organization, he's way up there.

[C]

Way up there. And I think I've met him before, but he spotted Stacy and I at Krogbar and he said, has anybody from the Braves contacted you yet about this softball game we're trying to put together? And I said, no, I haven't heard anything about it yet. And he said he's going to have somebody from the office call me. But it's a celebrity softball game that's taken place inside.

[G]

Cool.

[H]

Okay.

[C]

All right. So let's stop right now for just one second and let us reflect. I played baseball my whole life, people. My whole life.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, through college, I played a couple of years of semi pro ball.

[G]

This was your sport. Baseball.

[C]

That's my sport right there. Right. So to have the opportunity to play that game in a real major league stadium, that is. That would be a dream for anybody that's played.

[F]

Maybe you know what? Maybe you should wait. Just given your propensity for injury, you should just try to find the Paralympics and what major league stadiums the Paralympians

[G]

still kick his ass.

[C]

Right now. You're right. So he told me that the game is going to be at the stadium. The stadium. The Ted man. The Ted at the end of June. Okay, so that gives me a month and a half. And for those of you that are new listeners, I busted my knee and just got off crutches last week.

[F]

You busted your knee?

[D]

How?

[C]

Playing soccer.

[E]

And how long did it take you out of commission?

[C]

I'm still out of commission, so I can't answer that yet. But I mean, I just got off the crutches. It was ACL and meniscus. So I said to Derek, I said, I will be ready. Sign me up, dude. So Stacey, her knee jerk reaction was she says, this is like in front of a whole bunch of people. She said, no, he's not. Oh boy. I said to Derek, yes, I am. And we squashed it, but then got into it on the car on the way home and I said, stace, you have to understand something. If you have the opportunity to play in a major league baseball stadium, you're

[F]

playing in a major stadium.

[C]

There may not be a next year.

[F]

There's going to be a next year.

[C]

You don't know what's going to happen.

[F]

You played softball with Chipper and McCann six months ago.

[C]

Here's my point though, is that. So I call my physical therapist up because Stacy's like, she's like, you guys, you can't do anything now. You've busted up your knee. Stay home and watch TV and don't do anything. My life is not over here. So I called my physical therapist up and I'm like, dude, can I be ready for a June 26 game or something like that? And he said he was 90% sure he could have me ready for that game.

[E]

That's awesome.

[C]

That 90% is close enough to 100 for me. And in a celebrity softball game, you're not sliding and diving and crashing in a dugouts and stuff like that.

[E]

Most people aren't, but you are.

[C]

That's what she said last night. Again.

[G]

She brought that up when you and Jen played on that team was a few years ago. And didn't you like dive into third or something? You were like, you know, if I'm

[I]

going to play, I'm going to play

[G]

hard, you know, and you were like, over the top softball.

[C]

I agree. If you're going to play a sport, then do it to win. That I agree. But this is my point to her. Last night. I don't want to go through this again. So why would I go over the top this soon? To get me back in the season.

[F]

Can't you be a team manager or something?

[E]

No. Well, they might need. Can you play an outfield position?

[F]

You got to run in the outfield.

[G]

Yeah. You still got to pivot.

[F]

Ever stood in the outfield of a major league ballpark?

[C]

See, But I think by that time, it won't matter. Like, I'll be able to run fine by the end of June. And then I went back in my physical therapist and I said, look, this is the reason why I asked you to play. And he said, if that's the reason, we'll have it ready to go. So I'm gonna be ready to go.

[E]

There's knee pads and braces. You got it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm on your side.

[C]

I'm not gonna be diving or anything like that.

[G]

Right.

[C]

It's not soccer.

[F]

Guess what. You went fishing and tore your knee in half.

[C]

My knee was already torn. Almost in half.

[F]

Your knee is still torn.

[C]

It's not torn anymore. It's not torn.

[G]

If you do this, you have more responsibility than ever before in your life to make sure you are out of this healthy as you went into it.

[C]

Agreed.

[G]

Because your fam. Because I think where Stacy's coming from as the caretaker, that's a. You know, it affected everybod around you.

[D]

Agreed.

[C]

Totally agreed.

[G]

That's where she's coming from.

[C]

And this is what I can't understand from her side is that I've told her that the last four weeks. Like, I've seen the strain to put on everybody. So why would I sign up for a game where I would put myself in a place where I would do that again?

[E]

She thinks that's exactly what you're doing.

[F]

What do you mean? Why would you. You are.

[C]

I would not have okayed it had I not asked the fisherman.

[F]

Did you think your knee was healthy before you played soccer?

[C]

My knee was healthy at 100%.

[F]

Then you damaged it. Now it's not at 100%.

[G]

He's about to yell. He's about to yell sports.

[C]

But you can't just stop playing sports because you had knee surgery. There are plenty of dudes that go in there.

[F]

Wait one year. You're not an athlete.

[G]

Damn.

[E]

Damn, damn.

[G]

I'm stepping on Jeff Dahl.

[E]

You are gonna get your ass. It was nice to know you, Jeff. Seriously.

[G]

Did you just Say that.

[F]

I mean, I'm saying just cause you jam.

[C]

Oh, no, you damn.

[F]

I'm talking about professionally.

[E]

I mean, Bert is as red, angry dude. I'm stepping out of the way. I'm saying I don't care if his knee is working or not. You're getting your ass.

[C]

You can call, like, family members C words. And I wouldn't have been as offended.

[H]

Wow.

[F]

What I'm saying is you're not a professional athlete.

[C]

That is true.

[F]

You don't play. You're not a league. You're not like in a fast pitch baseball league. You're not in a soccer league. You're recreational athletes.

[C]

Which is why I'm telling you, which is why I can handle this. Okay, Here.

[I]

Stop talking.

[G]

Jeff.

[C]

Here's Stacy. Hi, baby. Hi, honey.

[I]

How are you?

[C]

I'm good. How are you, baby? My butt's numb.

[I]

Save that.

[C]

What are you doing?

[I]

I'm going to therapy.

[C]

Physical or mental?

[I]

Mental.

[F]

Is this a new one? Since Burt decided he's gonna be the next David Beckham slash Chipper Jones, I

[C]

gave you my word that I would not play in that game unless my physical therapist said, go for it.

[I]

I don't really care if he says go for it.

[D]

See, that's.

[G]

I mean, I can't just.

[E]

So when would it be okay for Bert to play again?

[A]

Year.

[I]

He can play any sport he wants next year.

[E]

So he has to wait until January of 2011?

[I]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, come on now.

[F]

That's not unreasonable.

[C]

I can't do that. No.

[E]

No. Because if we get asked to do that Brian McCann thing again, I'm making him do it.

[C]

I'm playing.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

I mean, you're mad at me saying anything. I don't do conflict. I'm not mess with Stacy.

[C]

Stacy has never had a sports injury like this. Jeff has never had a sports injury. So you guys don't.

[F]

How do you know?

[C]

Come on.

[F]

And how come Stacy gets an injury like this and I get. I've just never had a sports injury.

[C]

Come on. So you guys don't know how these things heal and how quickly they heal. I'm telling you, by the end of June, we're good to go.

[F]

And for your information, I had a carpal tunnel injury trying to solve Zelda.

[C]

Save that. So, baby, I'm telling you right now, I understand how sensitive it is. I understand that this put you guys out. And I will not play in that game if my physical therapist doesn't say I'm not ready. I promise. Promise you that. But this is. You understand you've been with me. Sixteen years, when you have the opportunity to play in a major league baseball stadium. Look, they may not even do the game next year.

[I]

You hear everybody in the room, right? Besides me, Janice, telling you that this isn't what you should do.

[E]

No, no, no, no. I said by the fall, you would be cool to play in that softball tournament. That's at Georgia Tech. I was cool, but Stacy's on the phone.

[C]

Not cool. I promise, baby. I'm not gonna plan it unless you're serious.

[F]

You can't make the promise that you're not gonna get hurt, though.

[C]

You can't. I couldn't do that anytime.

[F]

That's what I'm saying is, what would your therapist have said if you'd gone to them a week before you went out there and tried to bend it like Beckham?

[C]

He would have said, go ahead.

[F]

Your.

[C]

Your knee's fine.

[H]

Go ahead, play.

[F]

Right. So now you know your knee's not fine because it's healing.

[C]

It's totally. It's so casual. These things, though.

[I]

What I don't. What I don't understand. Okay, here's the first thing is I've watched you play baseball for 16 years, and I know how you play. So there's no way. It's instinct for you. You are not capable of taking the three seconds to slow yourself down, to not dive for the ball or slide into second. You're not capable of that because it's instinct for you. You play the game like a real baseball player.

[F]

Yeah.

[I]

So you're not even capable of making that decision during the game. You can't do that.

[C]

I have turned into that pathetic, overly serious.

[F]

Well, we could find video of the McCann that you did for the Rally Foundation.

[G]

Yeah.

[I]

Do you remember what you did? I mean, you completely tore your leg up. It had, like, cuts all over your leg.

[C]

From what, the baseball game? From the soccer.

[I]

Yeah, because you slid.

[F]

Yeah. You were a little intense at that game. We could probably find video.

[G]

And you're the.

[E]

Playing second base. And dude was the shortstop.

[C]

Is that. Andrew Jones was the shortstop.

[G]

We turn two, and you were.

[F]

What do you think's gonna happen at the break?

[E]

Andrew Jones? How do you not play at your best?

[I]

Exactly.

[E]

You have to.

[F]

But that's your. Who do you think you're gonna.

[G]

And you're the guy that.

[I]

You're the guy that lets the cup bleed. A little ridiculous conversation, because I don't know why you would want to take that kind of risk.

[C]

Are we gonna do this right now? I'm telling you right now.

[I]

You just had the surgery. I don't know why you would take the risk. It makes absolutely no sense in your little argument about playing on a real baseball field will happen again. What I'm saying, act like that's not going to happen again.

[C]

The little baseball field.

[I]

And you've done it before. This isn't like you haven't played on a real baseball field before in a sort celebrity softball game.

[C]

I have never played in a major league baseball stadium.

[I]

Yes, you did. Where you. You didn't. It was either. It was Dallas.

[C]

No, I never played in Texas stadium. No, I did.

[I]

Yes, you did.

[E]

My butt's going numb.

[I]

Oh, and why don't you take some listener calls like you do for everybody else?

[F]

Hey, what if we.

[C]

Okay, hold on. Okay, wait, wait, hold on. Let me take these. Hold on.

[F]

What if we got. Instead of doing the baseball game, Bert, what if we did the little. That. That thing. The napa cap shuffle thing that. That Mark does?

[E]

You can race around with the tools.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

I am so insulted. Confidence.

[G]

Does Mary Poppins look so bad now?

[C]

Hey, Nikki. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[A]

Hey, good morning.

[I]

I love your show.

[A]

I just. I think you should play in the baseball game. I've played rugby for, like, nine years. I played every kind of sport you can imagine. I've broken so many bones, and, you know, I'm going to play sports. And if that means I'd rather sacrifice, you know, my health a little bit and have fun and live life to the fullest than to, you know, give up the things that I love. So I think. Are you. I'm 35, and I know people that are playing sports like that who are in their late 40s. So

[I]

you have kids?

[C]

She's gone. Here is Stacey.

[F]

Just so you know, when you ask Bert to pick up phone calls, he can screen them.

[G]

See, look at you.

[C]

See, this again is another point against you, because here's Kristen telling me not to play. Go ahead, Kristen.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

Let's have a little come to Jesus meeting here. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. The pain that you will be in when you injure yourself is not going to be remotely as painful as your wife having to go through this again. Your kids having to go through this again. Again. This is going to be really, really hard on your family, and you're choosing to do this.

[C]

You guys are talking to me like I'm drunk driving. It's a celebrity softball game where you. Where you go at about 30%, but

[F]

it's a celebrity softball game with the Braves like the example that came up earlier was that you were playing second and Andrew Jones is playing shortstop.

[C]

Right. I didn't die for ball.

[G]

I just turned 2.

[F]

And Brian McCann was your team captain. You don't think that's going to happen at the Braves celebrity baseball game?

[C]

But that's not a dangerous play. That's not going all out crazy.

[I]

Your 3 year old was so mentally scarred by your knee surgery that he started peeing his pants again.

[C]

That's a. That's a hard one to debate.

[I]

Yeah. So you're going to go back and risk it again and get hurt again, and who knows what he'll start doing after that.

[C]

Jen wants me to get into a fight so badly, you should see how she's egging me on. Okay.

[H]

Bye.

[C]

Bye. She's pissed.

[F]

Is she gone?

[E]

She's gone.

[F]

I don't think you should play the game. I think you should take up smoking and June.

[C]

There's one. I'm telling you, if my physical therapist says I can play in the game, then I can play in the game.

[E]

I'm not arguing.

[C]

There's the.

[E]

I just peed at my pants. Save that.

[F]

Hold on.

[E]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, no.

[E]

Oh, boy.

[F]

Hey, Dr. Tom. Hold on one second, okay?

[G]

Your surgeon.

[F]

Your surgeon.

[C]

Oh, my God. Hi, Tom.

[H]

Hey, bud.

[C]

Okay, now, Tom McQuail. Who? Tom.

[G]

Dr. Tom.

[C]

You have obviously have enough confidence in the knee that you have constructed that at the end of June, if my physical therapist also resurgence credible, says that I can play, I should be able to play in this game.

[H]

What game are you talking about?

[C]

It's a celebrity softball game played inside the stadium. The Ted. And it's just. There's no diving, there's no cutting.

[H]

When was the surgery?

[F]

Listen to his voice.

[C]

He's disgusted.

[H]

Hold on, let me look it up. Let me look it up.

[F]

He's disgusted at you. It's like, oh, geez.

[C]

But here's what I need to stress is that it's not a soccer game. It's a baseball game.

[D]

Just run.

[H]

Hold on, let me look at your date here.

[E]

Why does everybody in your life sound tired of you? Stacy sounds tired of you.

[C]

Your doctor sounds tired of you.

[H]

Do you remember when you're certain it was.

[C]

It must have been eight weeks ago.

[F]

I can probably look it up on our.

[H]

Oh, March in June.

[A]

You want to do this?

[G]

Stacy's screaming at the radio the date of the.

[H]

You take a risk for losing the graft. If you do that, you can. It takes about 7, 8 months for the bone to grow into the graft.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

Am I.

[H]

On the radio.

[C]

Yeah, you're on the radio right now, dude.

[G]

Hey, Dr. Tom.

[E]

Hi, Tom.

[H]

Hi. Yeah, it takes about seven to eight months for the bone to grow in the graft. So if you do that, you take a chance on that graft slipping, and then you'd have to have another surgery.

[F]

Will you explain to Wendy specifically what you mean by the bone slipping off the ground?

[H]

Wendy, do you want to know what we did?

[C]

Absolutely not.

[E]

Nope.

[C]

So if that graft slips, then I have to have surgery again. Then I'm out again for another, like, five or six months or whatever.

[H]

Yeah, basically, because on the tibial side, really, all the screw does is use friction to hold it in place until the bone grows in.

[E]

Can he be the bat boy?

[H]

You can be the bat boy. You can even be the water boy.

[C]

So there's just. What you're really. What you really want me to be careful about is cutting on it in any way, right?

[H]

Yeah, I mean, you know, part of the rehab process. I mean, you can run. You can run in concrete, you know, on a treadmill, anything that, you know, you're not gonna misstep, but something like that.

[F]

What about, like, wet grass?

[H]

Wet grass is an issue. Yeah.

[F]

Or like. Or like, why?

[C]

Are you planning on watering the field before I plan on it?

[F]

Or like, field sand? Like, you know, that would be between the bases.

[H]

Say again?

[F]

Like sand. That would be between the bases.

[E]

It's called clay, dude.

[F]

Yeah, the clay.

[H]

Wow. Well, anything, especially when you round the base and stuff like that. I mean, you really take a chance on losing the graft.

[F]

Hey, Tom, do you want to play in a celebrity softball game at the end of January? We have an opening.

[C]

A slot just opened up.

[H]

All right, Tom, I probably can't either, buddy.

[C]

Thanks, man.

[A]

All right.

[C]

I can't play in that game now. I can't. If he says that I can't play, I can't play.

[E]

Tom just pawned you, dude. Yeah.

[C]

You could be the water in a Major league baseball stadium, dude.

[E]

It's. Wow.

[I]

Maybe you can do, like.

[A]

Nice.

[E]

You just got all vindication. Your doctor said no.

[C]

Your doctor says no can do next year.

[E]

No can do.

[C]

If there is one next year, there will be one.

[F]

If not, depending on how the Braves are doing, you could possibly play second base.

[E]

And think about it. You'll have your reality TV show by then, so then you'll be a real celebrity. I really want you to play next year.

[C]

I'm equally as exhausted by you people. This is the Birch Show. Hey, everybody.

[B]

Lady Luck here. And we're celebrating America's 250th birthday. Now all summer long I'm going to be celebrating by playing on spinquest.com which is an American owned social casino. It obviously features over a thousand slot games and live blackjack, live craps, live bubble craps. Head on over to spinquest.com get yourself a 30 coin pack for just 10 bucks.

[C]

Spinquest is a free to play social casino. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[D]

All new drinks are now at McDonald's with refreshers like the Strawberry Watermelon Refresher and the Mango Pineapple Refresher with Popping Boba to crafted sodas like the Sprite Berry Blast with berry flavors and cold foam. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so fire six? All new drinks are here now at McDonald's.

[C]

Refreshers contain caffeine hey, it's Tyler Redick

[J]

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[C]

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