Vault: Bert & Melissa Want To Be In The Next Olympics?!

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Bert & Melissa Want To Be In The Next Olympics?!
Date: February 20, 2026

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Overview

In this energetic and comedic episode, Bert Show cast members Melissa and Jen Hobby, with a burst of patriotism and playful delusion, explore the possibility of representing Team USA in the Olympics. Their conversation, filled with banter, self-deprecating humor, and surprising Olympic aspirations, centers on the idea that with the right sport—and perhaps because of a lack of competition—they just might make it onto the world stage. The primary focus becomes handball, a sport apparently with little to no U.S. presence, and the friends dream up scenarios in which they (and possibly a few co-workers) could form the national team. The discussion highlights their fun approach to challenges, their love for their country, and the idea that chasing dreams is what America’s all about.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage: The Olympic Dream

• Melissa and Jen Hobby banter over their grand Olympic aspirations, despite acknowledging their decidedly not-athletic adult status.
• Jen Hobby (01:31): "You two are out of control with this fantasy that you're gonna go to the Olympics."
• Melissa (01:38): “That’s what America is all about … It’s about fulfilling your dream.”

2. Qualifications and Tongue-in-Cheek Self-Confidence

• Both hosts recall their (distant) competitive glory days, jokingly referencing old medals and little league MVP status.
• Melissa (02:11): "I was VIP on my little league all star Team back in, like, the eighth grade. So I have it in me. I got the genes."

3. The Strategy: Find an Obscure Olympic Sport

• Jen and Melissa decide their best route to the Olympics is to find a sport with little U.S. participation, figuring their odds of making the team would skyrocket.
• Jen Hobby (03:03): "Let me find a US Team that is very small … if it's a small team, that means there's not very many people in the country that do it. So that means that we can make the team."
• After research, they discover there is no U.S. Olympic handball team.
• Comically confused by what handball actually is, they improvise rules and try to recall childhood memories.

4. What Is Handball, Anyway? (Listener Call-In)

• Caller (05:45): Explains Olympic handball as “kind of like soccer with your hands,” with small goals, a lighter ball, and teams of about five or six.
• The group realizes their initial concept of handball (like racquetball with your hands) was off-base, but their interest remains.
• Melissa (06:52): “I mean, our goal isn’t to win a gold medal. Our goal is just to get to the Olympics. So if there’s nobody else in the country playing this… We can recruit three people in the office that we never talk to.”

5. Olympic Reality Check & Renewed Delusions

• They discuss which countries are actually good at handball: France, Brazil, China, Croatia, Poland, etc.—“Iceland has all. Bjork cheers on her country. But you can’t cheer on yours in handball.” (07:44)
• The comedic plan: they’ll form a team, practice for a week, walk in the opening ceremonies, and enjoy the spectacle.
• Melissa (07:49): “See, the beauty of this is there’s nobody playing in our country. So if we form our team today. We are the number one ranked team in the country.”
• Jen Hobby (08:19): “Don’t you worry, when we’re in London and she is calling us to get us on before our big match…” (referencing future Olympic glory)

6. The American Dream, Playfully Skewered

• The conversation ends on a hopeful, cheeky note: loving your country, holding onto outlandish dreams, and poking gentle fun at the spirit of “just showing up.”
• Melissa (08:27): “Your problem is you’re out of dream.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Melissa (01:38): “That’s what America is all about … It’s about fulfilling your dream.”
• Melissa (02:11): “…I have it in me. I got the genes.”
• Jen Hobby (03:03): “Let me find a US Team that is very small…”
• Melissa (06:52): “Our goal isn’t to win a gold medal. Our goal is just to get to the Olympics.”
• Caller (05:45): “Handball in the Olympics is kind of like soccer with your hands.”
• Melissa (07:49): “If we form our team today. We are the number one ranked team in the country.”
• Melissa (08:27): “Your problem is you’re out of dream.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:31 – Jen Hobby expresses disbelief over Melissa and Bert's Olympic dream
• 02:11 – Melissa asserts her childhood athletic cred
• 03:03 – Plan hatched: target obscure Olympic sports
• 03:38 – Realization that there’s no U.S. handball team
• 05:45 – Listener clarifies what Olympic handball actually is
• 06:52 – The “just show up” feat: assembling an office handball team
• 07:44 – Discussion of handball powerhouses and the underdog USA
• 08:27 – The moral: never stop dreaming, however absurd the dream

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Tone and Style

The episode is marked by playful banter, self-aware humor, and a mock-serious tone. The co-hosts’ camaraderie and ability to riff on each other (and themselves) makes the dream of Olympic glory seem both ridiculous and, somehow, quintessentially American.

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For anyone who enjoys offbeat, optimistic, and sincerely silly conversations about achieving the impossible, this episode is a blast of morning energy and hope—with a knowing wink to reality.

Transcript

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[Jen Hobby]

You two are out of control with this fantasy that you're gonna go to the Olympics.

[Melissa]

That's what America is all about country.

[Jen Hobby]

In an athletic event.

[Melissa]

It's about fulfilling your dream.

[Jen Hobby]

What is wrong Jen? Hobby Why do you try to hurt. You are delusional.

[Melissa]

That is not true. Don't let her. You know what?

[Jen Hobby]

You know what?

[Melissa]

Every one of these athletes I'm not looking competing in the. I'm not looking at you right now. At one point or another somebody has said you can't and you know what they said? And they could and they did and they all.

[Jen Hobby]

Well here's the difference. You said athletes. Just because she can't win softball during the tournament a couple weeks ago and

[Melissa]

you have a history in medals already. I mean you've got a built in resume.

[Jen Hobby]

That's right.

[Melissa]

And I was VIP on my little league all star Team back in, like, the eighth grade. So I have it in me. I got the genes.

[Jen Hobby]

I have the love of my country, Gin, in my heart. Okay, and what are you guys going to perfect in the next four? Because, Ms. Cynical, okay, let me tell you what I found, okay, Because I've been doing research while we've been, you know, Melissa

[Melissa]

and I got caught up in the Olympics, and we both had the same thoughts over the last couple of days. Like, you know, for the most part, the Olympics are for, like, 22 and 23 year olds, which we are not anymore. But there's got to be something that we could still. There's one right there. But you can't take up swimming at our age and think you're gonna win a gold medal.

[Jen Hobby]

Of course not.

[Melissa]

But there has to be some kind of category where there are so few people and so few teams interested that Melissa and I can pick it up and within four years be on tv. And you could be watching us in London, England.

[Jen Hobby]

That's right.

[Melissa]

What was that? London, England.

[Jen Hobby]

You're like a little Aussie, like, trying to, you know what? Your vibe, your negative vibe. This secret that you keep preaching about, Whatever. I'm trying to use it now. So just, you know, what are you guys going to play? So I was trying to find a sport. My strategy was, well, let me find a US Team that is very small, because obviously, if it's a small team, that means there's not very many people in the country that do it. So that means that we can make the team. And I did find that There is no U.S. handball team. Handball is a sport in the Olympics, but there is no US Handball team, men or women.

[Melissa]

How hard can that be?

[Jen Hobby]

It's a little. What's handball?

[Melissa]

It's like, I mean, you take a ball and you hit it up against the wall like that. You hit it and then it bounces back and then you hit it again, and then the other dude misses and you get a point.

[Jen Hobby]

It's like racquetball with your hand.

[Podcast Host]

Yes.

[Jen Hobby]

Yes. Dude, you already did racquetball. I've already did racquetball. And I got a silver. I mean, come on.

[Melissa]

I wonder if there are just no good handball teams because you have to qualify for the Olympics. So I wonder if they got their

[Jen Hobby]

arsenal, but you qualify for your country to go to the Olympics so you

[Melissa]

would compete against other Americans in order to go. And there is zero handball teams.

[Jen Hobby]

Now I'm talking, like. I know what I'm talking about. But according to nbcolympics,.com there is no American handball team. There are 12 handball teams, and they are not from the United States. So we need a handball team.

[Melissa]

How hard to land sport be? I used to play as a kid all the time. I mean, seriously, you're here, right? And the competition's right there. He hits it against the wall. It bounces. Once you hit it against the wall. If he can't get it on one bounce, then you get yourself a point.

[Jen Hobby]

Who are the champions? But, like, a total of 12 men's teams will compete in Olympic handball tournament, and US is not one of them. So that was the men's. Who are the. Who are the champs? Like, who do you need to keep your eye on over the next four years? I don't know.

[Melissa]

What country are we gunning for?

[Jen Hobby]

Hold on a second. Let me find out.

[Melissa]

I was telling these guys the other day, like, I've only shot a gun twice my whole life. My friend has a target range at his house, and I. And he's got one of those things where the little rabbits sort of go in a circle and you gotta shoot them as they go along. It's sort of like a carnival game, except it's in his house. And I nailed, like seven to ten of them, man. And this was on the heels of the Olympics. And I had the thought that, hey, maybe I've got a natural ability here that I never knew until today. Either rifles or handball, one or the other. I mean, we may be able to create where you can put the two together.

[Jen Hobby]

Yeah. I mean, the possibilities are endless because this is the United States of America, and we're gonna go win gold in Lond. We got to figure out how.

[Melissa]

Good morning, Kate. You are on Q100.

[Caller]

Hi. I was watching handball on Saturday. And handball in the Olympics is kind of like soccer with your hands. And like, we think about in a racquetball court.

[Melissa]

Oh, I've seen this. It's a different kind of deal. Yeah, she's right. It looks like soccer, except you get to use your hands. And how many. How do you know how many are on each team?

[Caller]

No, it looked like maybe five or six.

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Dude.

[Melissa]

I mean, how about.

[Caller]

And the goal is small. It's almost like the size of a goal for hockey.

[Jen Hobby]

Okay.

[Caller]

And I think you can't really tell the size of a ball. It's got to be lighter. But it looks like maybe the size of a softball.

[Jen Hobby]

So you're saying I have to run. And who were the countries that were doing well?

[Melissa]

Oh, it's going to be like your Brazils and stuff like that. Probably.

[Caller]

I don't remember what it was. It was. But it's a very defensive game. Obviously. It's not like football where they try to block each other. I mean, there's. It's kind of like. You know how when they do penalty goals for soccer. And everybody lines up at the goal line.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And then the other team who has the ball runs up there. And the defender is trying to block it while they throw.

[Melissa]

I've seen it.

[Teladoc Health Spokesperson]

I've seen it.

[Melissa]

You know what? Here's the deal.

[Jen Hobby]

Yes.

[Melissa]

Let's be honest.

[Jen Hobby]

Yes.

[Melissa]

I mean, our goal isn't to win a gold medal. Our goal is just to get to the Olympics. So if there's nobody else in the country playing this. We can recruit three people in the office that we never talk to.

[Jen Hobby]

Right.

[Melissa]

And have them play on our team. Practice for a week before we go to the Olympics. We're the only team in the country.

[Jen Hobby]

Opening ceremony. Opening ceremonies. There we are, walking in.

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[Jen Hobby]

Hey, that's cool. Back in the United States. You doubter.

[Melissa]

I'm gonna be like Yao Ming. I'm gonna get this little kid and put him on my shoulder.

[Jen Hobby]

Or you could get on. Yeah, Ming's shoulder.

[Melissa]

Get on your shoulder.

[Jen Hobby]

Now the contraries. And handball. Okay, now listen. The United States is not a part of this. So get your competitive juices flowing because Frank, France is in there. They were trash talking us and swimming. We beat them. Whatever. Brazil, China, Croatia. Croatia. Croatia has a handball team. And the United States is not Poland. Spain, Russia, South Korea. Iceland. Iceland has all. Bjork cheers on her country. But you can't cheer on yours in handball.

[Melissa]

See, the beauty of this is there's nobody playing in our country. So if we form our team today. We are the number one ranked team in the country.

[Jen Hobby]

Four years To London, Germany, Denmark and Egypt. Those are the. Those are the competitors for London.

[Melissa]

Believe it.

[Teladoc Health Spokesperson]

J.

[Jen Hobby]

Four years. Oh, see, you're so pretty.

[Melissa]

Don't you worry when we're. When we're in London and she is calling us to try to get us on our phone before our big match.

[Jen Hobby]

We'll send you. And we don't pick up maybe.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Jen Hobby]

Dream Jen Hobby I love my country. I love America.

[Melissa]

Your problem is you're out of dream.

[Podcast Host]

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