Vault: Bert Show's Big Secrets

Summary

The Bert Show – “Vault: Bert Show's Big Secrets”

Date: November 18, 2025
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast
Host: Pionaire Podcasting

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Episode Overview

In this “vault” episode, The Bert Show team pulls back the curtain on their personal lives by anonymously sharing some of their biggest secrets. The cast challenges themselves to be vulnerable and honest, all while having fun guessing (and overanalyzing) which juicy confession belongs to whom. The segment is lighthearted yet candid, providing listeners with surprising insights and plenty of laughs—underscored by the humor, camaraderie, and honesty that define the show.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. How Well Do We Know Each Other?

• [01:18 – 03:05]

  • The group reflects on how much time they spend together—sometimes more than with their own families.
  • They compare their closeness to a family or even a married couple.
  • The idea arises: “Would our significant others know these answers better than we do?”
  • Leads into the central game: anonymously sharing secrets.

  “I spend more time with you people for sure than I do my own family every day.” – A [01:26]

2. The Bert Show’s Big Secret Game

• [03:05 – 13:29]
  • Each cast member brings in an undisclosed, typed secret, placed in a bag to preserve anonymity.
  • The secrets are read aloud, and the group reacts—sometimes guessing, sometimes simply marveling (or cringing!).

Notable Secrets Shared & Group Reactions

• “I helped my roommate’s ex get my roommate in trouble. The ex was cheated on, so I gave the ex keys to my roommate’s car, and they hid drugs in the ashtray and trunk. They called campus security to report it, and my roommate was arrested.”
  • [04:05]
  • Group is stunned, calls it “brilliant” but also “crappy”.
  • Sparks debate on ethics versus effectiveness.
  • Later referenced as “classic” by a listener caller.

“If I were the rest of you guys on the show, I would be scared that I’m gonna do this to one of you guys in an upcoming month. That’s really awesome.” – A [04:41]

• “I’m a fraud. I am not as confident and happy as I portray myself to be.”

  • [05:28]
  • Immediate joking guess: “It’s Melissa. You’re right. Charlie Brown over here.” – E [05:56]
  • Team pokes fun but acknowledges the truth many feel at times.

• “I think one of my friends would be better off divorced.”

  • [06:19]
  • Universally relatable sentiment—several say it “could have been” theirs.

• “I once had a collection that consisted of the underwear of everybody I slept with.”

  • [06:44]
  • Group finds it hilarious and very much in the “guy” tradition, but speculation ensues.

• “When I was 13 I took $100 from my grandmother’s Christmas card from my aunt and uncle.”

  • [07:33]
  • Group reacts with laughter and commiserating stories.

• “My best friend and I slept with the same person.”

  • [08:14]
  • Prompts jokes about clarification ("at the same time?"), curiosity, and intrigue.

• “I am attracted to somebody I work with.”

  • [08:48]
  • Group notes it wasn’t specific and could reference anyone at the office.
  • Series of jokes follows about who it might be (including real and fictional baseball players).

• “My friend had an affair, and I liked who they were having the affair with more than their spouse.”

  • [12:05]
  • Team laughs, recognizing the complicated loyalty lines of friendship.

Game Dynamics

• Although there's a temptation to guess the submitter, most secrets are left anonymous (per the rules).
• Some secrets are fodder for ongoing jokes and playful side conversations.
• One caller argues someone should fess up to the “best” secrets, especially the car/drug plot, for "employee of the month" status.

  “If you hear this happening to Steve McCoy over the next couple of months, you’ll know one of us is behind it for sure.” – A [13:14]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “It’s like watching a magician. You can’t enjoy the trick. You gotta know how it’s done.” – A [03:53]
• “If I were the rest of you guys on the show, I would be scared that I’m gonna do this to one of you guys in an upcoming month.” – A [04:41]
• “I once had a collection that consisted of the underwear of everybody I slept with.” – Secret [06:44]
• “My best friend and I slept with the same person.” – Secret [08:14]
• “You think it’s like watching… That’s the type of people we are.” – E [03:50]
• “It’s funny how you become, like, almost like an interrogation expert. Like, I’m looking in the eyes to see which lie. I’m seeing right through you.” – A [12:18]

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Funny Sidebars & “Small Guy” Banter

• [09:18 – 11:17]
  Extended joking about baseball players with “small” stature, including:
  • “I’ve got a crush on that little Weiss fellow. He’s just so cute, that little guy.” – E [10:09]
  • Naming “Little Marcus” and riffing on calling people "little."
  • It ends with a funny but borderline inappropriate discussion distinguishing "midget" from "dwarf" (“can wipe their own ass or not”) [11:27 – 11:42]—which the group instantly recognizes as classic, if uncomfortable, Bert Show humor.

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Listener Involvement

• Caller Ryan jumps in [12:31] demanding someone own up to the most shocking confession.
• The team stands firm on the rules: “We will just keep our secrets, our secret.” – A [13:29]

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Segment Timestamps

• How well do we know each other? – [01:18 – 03:05]
• Game intro & setup – [03:05 – 04:05]
• Secret: Roommate & Drugs – [04:05 – 04:37]
• Secret: I’m not as confident as I pretend – [05:28 – 06:10]
• Secret: Think my friend should be divorced – [06:19 – 06:44]
• Secret: Underwear collection – [06:44 – 07:13]
• Secret: Took money as a kid – [07:33 – 08:07]
• Secret: Slept with same person as friend – [08:14 – 08:48]
• Secret: Attracted to coworker – [08:48 – 09:03]
• Baseball banter & ‘small guy‘ jokes – [09:18 – 11:17]
• Secret: Liked affair partner more than the spouse – [12:05 – 12:14]
• Caller tries to get confessions – [12:31 – 13:29]

---

Tone & Takeaway

The episode is classic Bert Show—humorous, real, and just a bit edgy. The “secret” game doubles as a celebration of trust and vulnerability among castmates, while the anonymity ensures no one is truly exposed (even as listeners and cast both itch to crack the mystery). Longtime fans will enjoy the mix of genuine confessions, playful ribbing, and random tangents—while newcomers get a revealing peek at the personalities behind the microphones.

Tagline:
Even the people you think you know best can still surprise you—especially on The Bert Show.

Transcript

[A]

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[A]

The Bird show so we here on the bird show been with each other for what, five years now, right?

[C]

Well, yes, almost. Five for me and five for you guys for sure.

[A]

I mean, we. You think that, you know, I spend more time with you people for sure than I do my own family every day?

[C]

Oh, definitely.

[A]

I mean, it's not even close.

[D]

Well, and not only that, like I always telling somebody the other day, you have to remember that we. It is the four of us in a single room together for four hours during the show and then another hour after the show. And so like in your work environment, you may be in a cube, you know, you may be in an environment where you get up and you walk around, you see, you know, you may be sitting next door to somebody, but I mean, the four of us literally are in a room at a table staring at each other for four hours, five hours every day. So you'd think that we would know.

[C]

Each other very intimately. It's not just staring at each other, each other or answering emails, whatever. It's talking.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

There's no computer instantly for five hours a day.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

There's no computer in front of, you know, me and Jen. We're not, you know, we're just. All we have to do is stare at the boys and each other and talk. And that's what we do all day.

[E]

And even when the, you know, we're playing a song or we're whatever, we're still talking at each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Looking sometimes there's not a lot of listening, but one of us is always talking, always non stop talking.

[A]

It would be interesting to talk if we had like our significant others on and we asked questions about our, like, at least current lives. Who would get more questions? Right. Because, I mean, Ryan's out on the road so much. Seriously. I see my wife maybe like an hour and a half, two hours, and we're generally not talking about work or whatever.

[C]

She knows you're a germaphobe.

[A]

Right. So it would be interesting to see, like, who would get more answers.

[E]

Correct.

[D]

Almost like a Newlywed Game. But yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because I swear, I think we know each other.

[C]

Yeah. I think that y' all might do better.

[A]

So we're gonna try to do today is kind of shock each other here a little bit. We have all brought in secrets about ourselves. We have not labeled our secrets. They are in a bag right now. Nobody saw us write them or cut them up. So we have no idea how we can match the secret up to the Birch show member.

[D]

And we're not going to.

[A]

And we're not going to either. We'll just read them off one by one, talk about them, but at least we'll all sort of share in the secret, even though we don't know who it's about.

[D]

Right.

[A]

Okay, guys nervous about this at all?

[C]

Sort of. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Did you give it up?

[C]

What? I mean, I'm not. I'm not giving you any hints as to which one are mine because I.

[D]

Do think this start. This will start off innocently enough, but I do think it's going to get to where we all try to investigate who.

[A]

Absolutely.

[D]

Before this is over.

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

You think it's like watching. That's the type of people we are.

[A]

It's like watching a magician. You can't enjoy the trick. You got to know how it's done. When I was in college, this is the first secret. Again, these aren't labeled. We don't know who wrote this?

[C]

And they're typed, so you can't tell by handwriting either.

[A]

And I've got these things down so low that nobody can even see, like, the size of the piece of paper, so we can't pin it on anybody. When I was in college, I helped my roommate's ex get my roommate in trouble. The ex was cheated on, so I gave the X keys to my roommate's car, and they hid drugs in the ashtray and trunk. They called campus security to report it, and my roommate was arrested.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

I don't know who it comes from, but it's brilliant.

[E]

This is not a learning episode.

[A]

If I were the rest of you guys on the show, I would be scared that I'm gonna do this to one of you guys in an upcoming month. That's really awesome. That's really awesome.

[C]

That is good. That is really good.

[E]

I don't know if awesome is the right word. It's crappy.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Now, is that. Are we trying. Because when you guys came up with this idea, I.

[C]

You mean when Bert came up when Burt came home?

[E]

Right. Didn't want to assume, but, like, is the point now, Are we all supposed to try to guess who that is, or.

[A]

No, I guess we can, or we don't have to. Or we could just debate it or the.

[D]

What was not to.

[A]

Okay, we don't have to. I mean, it's certainly not ethical, so. But it is very interesting.

[D]

Just let it stand on its own.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

There it is. Oh, we. Read more.

[A]

Yep. I know it's not a good bit if you're not in on it, but. I'm a fraud. I am not as confident and happy as I portray myself to be. Confident and happy as I portray myself.

[E]

It's Melissa.

[D]

You're right. Charlie Brown over here.

[A]

Right. Well, there are only two happy people on the staff, and that's me and Jen, so it's got to be one of us.

[C]

Jeff's pretty happy.

[E]

Hi. This week it'll wear off, unfortunately, now.

[D]

That he's back in Atlanta in a small little home that's not on the.

[C]

Water in the Hamptons, I got about.

[E]

Four more days of happy.

[A]

I think one of my friends would be better off divorced. Oh, wow. I think one of my friends would be better off divorced. I don't know that you could go, like, around an entire office. I mean, I think everybody could probably write that. I think everybody has a couple that for sure. You think?

[E]

I would say that. I can say that one is not mine, but it could have been.

[A]

Yeah. I was yeah. Certainly could have been mine. I once had a collection that consisted of the underwear of everybody I slept with.

[E]

That's good.

[C]

That is so good.

[A]

Anybody?

[D]

Wait.

[C]

We're not supposed to fess up to who's.

[A]

I'm, like, looking at everybody in the eyes to see. Like, if the eyes are telling anything, you know, we're just. Just.

[E]

We're just reading them, right?

[A]

We're just reading them.

[C]

So funny. That has to be one. Well, I was thinking that has to be one of the guys. That's a guy thing to do.

[A]

I don't know. That sounds like it could be a Carter thing to me.

[C]

Like, I can only imagine guys, like, running around the house with girls underwear on their head.

[A]

I don't know. When I was 13 years old, I was at my grandmother's house around Christmas time. I found a Christmas card from my aunt and uncle to my grandmother with five $20 bills inside. I took the money. That's beautiful.

[C]

That is a good one.

[D]

I hit it with my underwear in my drawer. My collection.

[E]

Back then, I was confident and happy. No, not so much.

[A]

My best friend and I slept with the same person.

[E]

How do we get clarification on that? What do you mean at the same time?

[A]

I don't know. That's fun to think about. My best friend and I slept with the same person. Damn. I want to know. It's driving me crazy. I am attracted to somebody I work with.

[C]

Oh. But it doesn't say specifically in this room, so that could be.

[A]

We're all taken, right?

[C]

True.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But it's just as somebody that I work with, so it could be somebody in the office. It could be somebody.

[A]

Mm. I'm assuming so. Yeah. I'm attracted to somebody I work with.

[C]

I'm assuming so. I think that's a pretty safe assumption.

[A]

No secret there. It's.

[E]

It's me. And the person is Adam LaRoche.

[A]

Oh, he's talking about. All right, last one.

[C]

I'd go with that Diaz guy.

[E]

Matt Diaz? People like him.

[A]

He's the new Javi Lopez, isn't he?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Or the little Giles guy.

[D]

Marcus Giles.

[E]

I try not to call him that.

[A]

I usually call him the little Giles fellow.

[C]

He's Lil Giles.

[A]

Little leaguer playing second base.

[E]

I think he prefers Marcus.

[C]

If I were you and I wrote that, I would say Giles.

[E]

Is she complimenting people who are small in stature? Now, Bird, or is this just insult?

[A]

That's just insulting.

[D]

Oh, because I was gonna say somebody. I mean, she's attracted to somebody on the Braves team. That's small in stature doesn't mean that she might not be attracted to somebody she works with.

[A]

You never know. That's it. That's it. I feel it. I felt it for you.

[E]

I've got a crush on that little Weiss fellow. He's just so cute, that little guy.

[A]

Like him.

[E]

I'd like to hand him next to me and pet him on top of his head.

[C]

My little radio guy.

[E]

I like that little guy.

[A]

Carry him around in my pocket, show him off like that.

[E]

Put him on the end of my pencil and rub his hair for good luck.

[C]

I think you can actually buy a Louis Vuitton character. Carry on for those.

[A]

Put me under your seat on an airplane.

[E]

A little mesh front.

[A]

That's how. That's how Marcus travels with the Braves. They put him in a cage underneath the play.

[C]

One of the most embarrassing little things that I did at Turner Field this season is I always at home, I'm.

[E]

Always like, oh, it's.

[C]

Little Marcus is up to bat. Little Marcus is up to bat. And I saw him and I was.

[A]

Like, oh, little Marcus.

[C]

To his face. I just was like, what's up, dude?

[A]

Can I tell you how insulting that is as a fellow? Little. Little fellow.

[C]

I don't call you little bird at home, though.

[A]

It's just really, really, really, really insulting.

[C]

Yeah, but it was like an affectionate term.

[E]

No, it's not affectionate.

[C]

One of the most embarrassing kind of things I've.

[A]

He'll never forget that. In the same way that I never forgot when somebody asked me if I was officially a. That. He will never forget that.

[E]

What is the answer to that?

[A]

No, I can wipe my butt. Right? Isn't that the.

[C]

Could you please save the wiping this butt part?

[A]

Wasn't that the line of definition somebody called up with.

[E]

I think that's the difference between midget and dwarf. Dwarf can't reach their own ass, I think.

[D]

Oh, God.

[E]

That's how you know. That's how you know that. The difference. Cause they're the ones scooting along the road.

[A]

Okay, this one's good. This is a good one to end on right here. Man.

[E]

I can't wipe my.

[C]

You can save that, too.

[A]

My friend had an affair, and I liked who they were having the affair with better than who they were married to.

[E]

That's really good times right there.

[A]

It's funny how you become, like, almost like a interrogation expert. Like, I'm looking in the eyes to see which lie. I'm seeing right through you. Gen hobby. Hey, Ryan. Good morning. You're on Q100 good morning.

[F]

Somebody has to admit at least one of these things.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Come on.

[F]

Because there are certain, certain things that you are confessing here that have been read that aren't gonna get you any kind of long term trouble.

[E]

Which one do you want to know about most?

[F]

I think probably that first one about the hiding the drugs in the car. That's classic. I mean, that's classic. If nothing else, that's employee of the month.

[A]

Now that wasn't.

[F]

That's classic because there are too many people that are out here that are thinking about how to get back at somebody, whether it's an ex or a co worker or whatever. And Bert, if you can do this to somebody on air right now, oh, my God. The fame that you would experience is unending.

[A]

If you hear this happening to Steve McCoy over the next couple of months, you'll know one of us is behind it for sure. All right, Ryan, thanks. All right, guys. All right. Those weren't the rules that we agreed to, so we will just keep our secrets our secret. The Bird Show.

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