Vault: Bert Show's Phone Scam

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Bert Show's Phone Scam
Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Airdate: November 17, 2025
Cast Present: Jeff (Host, prank caller), Carolyn Fred Owen (Prank target, graduate school applicant)

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Episode Overview

In this classic episode from The Bert Show's Vault, Jeff brings back the beloved "Phone Scam" segment. The premise: Jeff, posing as an admissions officer, calls a graduate school applicant (Carolyn Fred Owen) to confront her about a trivial error on her application in a comedic, escalating fashion. The goal is to entertain listeners through a mixture of awkwardness, laughs, and genuine reaction as Carolyn struggles to make sense of the increasingly absurd conversation.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

1. Setting Up the Phone Scam

• [01:33] Jeff introduces the segment to listeners:

  “Jeff is back, and he brings us a brand new Bert Show phone scam. The woman applied for graduate school for education and she missed a line on our application. So if she can't follow instructions, how is she qualified to give them to our children?”

• Jeff establishes the premise: A minor mistake on the application means her suitability for a teaching program is “in question.”

2. The "Serious" Official Call

• [01:58-03:26] Jeff, in character as an admissions officer, calls Carolyn. He claims there were problems with her application because she didn't write her Social Security or ID number on the check and failed to write a “G” on the envelope, per instructions.
• Carolyn is apologetic but somewhat bemused, mentioning she must have overlooked the details but is already attending classes.

Notable Moment

• [03:51] Jeff ramps up the seriousness:

  “Yeah, but we’re sending you out to form young minds.”
  This marks the shift into mock-seriousness, poking fun at educational institution bureaucracy.

3. Increasing the Stakes

• [04:33-05:17] Jeff threatens that Carolyn shouldn’t attend class or come to campus, claiming she’s at risk of expulsion for not following the minor instruction.
• Carolyn, alternately bewildered and frustrated, pushes back:

  “I’m also a human being and I make mistakes.” (05:03, Carolyn)

Notable Exchange

• Jeff: “Well, because you’re going to be a teacher and you obviously are not good at following instructions. And if you can’t learn, how can you teach? You know?” (04:55)
• Carolyn: “I’m not going to not go to graduate school because I forgot to… I’m also, besides being a teacher, I’m also a human being and I make mistakes.” (05:03)

4. The Absurdity Escalates

• [05:38] Jeff questions if writing a "G" on an envelope is really that hard and mocks her for not admitting fault in a submissive way.
• Carolyn remains incredulous:

  “Oh my God. Are you kidding me right now? You have to be kidding me.” (05:50)
  Jeff continues the playful antagonism, testing Carolyn’s patience with phrases like,
  “I don’t want to have to call security, but…” (05:17) and
  “I mean, you know how to do a G, right?” (05:53)

5. Carolyn Hits Her Limit

• [06:15-06:52] Carolyn asks for someone else to speak with, expresses her disbelief, and threatens to call back later. Jeff finally tips his hand, giving her the radio station as a callback number:
  • Carolyn: “What’s your name?” (06:37)
  • Jeff: “It’s Jeff.” (06:40)
  • Jeff: “Call me back. I’m over at Q100.” (06:52)
  • Carolyn: “The radio station? What?” (06:57)

6. The Reveal

• [07:01-07:19] Jeff discloses the prank:

  “You were just phone scammed. This is Jeff at The Bert Show on Q100. And you’ve just been phone scammed.” (07:01, Jeff)

  • Carolyn (relieved): “Oh my God. Thank God. I was gonna say, this cannot be real. This is so retarded.” (07:12)

7. Closing Banter

• Jeff ensures Carolyn is okay, jokes again about high standards for teachers, and wishes her luck.

• Carolyn laughs it off:

  “No, they’re high, they’re high. I’m doing good.” (07:24, Carolyn)

• Episode ends with lighthearted closure and a tease to future scams.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jeff (on the memo line mishap, 03:51):

  “Yeah, but we’re sending you out to form young minds.”

• Carolyn (frustration mounting, 05:50):

  “Oh my God. Are you kidding me right now? You have to be kidding me.”

• Jeff (playing it up, 05:53):

  “I mean, you know how to do a G, right?”

• The Reveal (07:01):

  “You were just phone scammed. This is Jeff at The Bert Show on Q100. And you’ve just been phone scammed.”

• Carolyn (relieved, 07:12):

  “Oh my God. Thank God. I was gonna say, this cannot be real.”

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Segment Timestamps

• [01:33] – Introduction to the Phone Scam concept
• [01:57] – Call begins; Jeff introduces himself to Carolyn
• [02:33] – The faux infraction explained (missing memo and envelope instruction)
• [03:51] – Increasing seriousness, begins comparing to classroom behaviour
• [04:47] – Threat to exclude Carolyn from classes
• [05:53] – Repetitive nitpicking: “You know how to do a G, right?”
• [06:52] – Jeff gives away his radio station identity
• [07:01] – The reveal: Carolyn realizes it’s a phone scam
• [07:12] – Carolyn expresses relief
• [07:24] – Lighthearted closure; segment wraps for the next show element

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Episode Tone & Style

The tone is classic Bert Show: humorous, gently provocative, and a little mischievous. The segment relies on Jeff's deadpan delivery and the increasingly aware and exasperated reactions from Carolyn. It’s carried by authentic, real-time responses rather than slick production—a signature of The Bert Show’s popular prank calls.

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This summary captures the lively essence of the "Phone Scam" segment, illustrating how The Bert Show turns everyday scenarios into playful, memorable radio experiences with a uniquely authentic and comedic touch.

Transcript

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[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

The Birch show all right, Jeff is back and he brings us a brand new Birch show phone scan. The woman applied for graduate school for education and she missed a line on our application. So if she can't follow instructions, how is she qualified to give them to our children?

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Hello?

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Hi, I'm looking to speak with Carolyn Fred Owen, please.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Yeah, this is Carolyn.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Hey, Carolyn Fred Mess Colin with the admissions department, Georgetown Interstate.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Hi.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Hey. I got a few issues here with your graduate application and I want to clear these up so we can move forward without a problem. Okay, here's the deal. You are obviously in graduate school for education, which we think Is terrific. What we have though, is a direction following problem, and that worries us because our standards are pretty high.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Wait a second, Sorry, did I make a mistake on the thing?

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Well, yeah, you did. Here's the situation. When you send in your check, we ask that you indicate your Social Security number, your ID number on the memo line of the check. And we also, because this is graduate school, we wanted you to put a G on the outside of the envelope and you did neither of those things.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Oh, okay, I'm sorry. I must have been doing a million things at that time and I must have totally overlooked it. But you got the check and everything because I'm going to classes. Right, right.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

It's all deposited and everything. I just want. Right, yeah. When you were between your college degree and starting graduate school, how many years of teaching did you have?

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

I did about four.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Okay, and what grades were you teaching or grade?

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

I did mostly 10th and 11th.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Uh huh. And did it frustrate you when students didn't follow directions?

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Yeah.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Okay, and how did you handle that? I don't know, maybe make them do it over or something?

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

No, probably not. Are you seriously, is it that big of a problem with the. The memo line? I mean, other than that, everything was fine.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Yeah, but we're sending you out to form young minds.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Yeah, okay, but I mean, I don't think I'm. Okay, I don't think that that has a lot to do with how I teach though, you know? I mean. Yeah, but.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Yeah, and you're kind of laughing about this.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

I don't know what to say. I mean, it's kind of silly if.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

You probably gonna want to bring this up to review, so.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Okay, you know what, honestly, can I, Can I. I can't do this right now. Can I like, call you back or is there someone else I can speak with? Someone Amanda, you know, someone above you or.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Well, you're more than welcome to call back if you want to. Okay, I mean, that's fine, but I'm gonna ask you not to attend class or even come to the campus.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Oh, no, no, no, no. I have to. I have to.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Well, we're not even sure that we're going to let you remain a part of the program.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Why? Because I didn't write something on a memo line?

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Well, because you're going to be a teacher and you obviously are not good at following instructions. And if you can't learn, how can you teach? You know?

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Okay, sir, seriously, I'm not going to not go to graduate school because I forgot to. I'm Also, besides being a teacher, I'm also a human being and I make mistakes.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Yeah, okay.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

And I don't think that's a good reason for me not to be able to go to class. I'm not gonna not go to class.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

I don't wanna have to call security, but. Are you kidding me? I mean, I will, like. I mean, I think you're kind of being ridiculous. Like, all I'm trying to do is set a standard for our teachers so that the next generation of adults is responsible.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Yeah, but you're gonna honestly send security on me? Like, if I'm like a. I can't.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Believe you're not more humbled, embarrassed by this.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

No, I'm not. I'm sorry. I'm not. People make mistakes all the time writing checks and filling out forms, and they don't have problems.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

I mean, is it hard to write a G on an envelope? Is that difficult?

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Oh my God. Are you kidding me right now? You have to be kidding me.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

I mean, you know how to do a G, right?

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Yes. I made a mistake. I realized that I was supposed to write that I made a mistake.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

It's hilarious.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

I don't think that warrants me not being able to go to class.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Well, I'm just. You said you wanted to call back, so we'll sort this out. And until then, I'm not gonna have you possibly forming young minds when you've got an attitude like you do, and you obviously can't.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

I have an attitude?

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Oh, my God. Listen to you. Is this what you're gonna do to kids?

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Sir, I.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Is this how you're gonna. You're gonna lose your temper like this?

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

I'm not losing my temper. I'm just. It's very frustrating to me that you're telling me I can't go to class when I forgot to write a letter on an envelope.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Wow, it's frustrating.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

I mean, I'm not trying to be rude, but do you understand how that sounds? Absolutely. R. Uh huh.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Apparently.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

What's your name?

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

What's that?

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

What's your name?

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

It's Jeff.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Jeff. I can't deal with this right now, okay? This is a little too strange for me, okay? So I'm gonna have to call you back. I'm gonna have to think about it and call you back.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Call me back. I'm over at Q100.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Okay, what's Q100? What's the number?

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

The radio station. The Birch Show.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

The radio station? What?

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

You were just phone scammed. This is Jeff at the Burt show on Q100. And you've just been phone scammed.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Are you kidding me?

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

No.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Oh my God. Thank God. I was gonna say, this cannot be real. This is so retarded.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

Yeah, we just want to make sure the standards for our teachers are very high.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

No, they're high. They're high. I'm doing good.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

All right. Hey, good luck in graduate school.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

Thank you.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

All right. Take care. Bye, Carolyn.

[Carolyn Fred Owen (Graduate School Applicant)]

We will.

[Jeff (The Birch Show Host)]

We will scam you.

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