Vault: Bert Swears His Wiffle Ball Pitch Is Untouchable

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault – "Bert Swears His Wiffle Ball Pitch Is Untouchable"

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into the eccentric, passionate rivalry and nostalgia surrounding host Bert’s legendary claim: his Wiffle ball pitch is “unhittable.” Triggered by the upcoming charity softball game involving Atlanta Braves catcher Brian McCann, the show’s cast relives college memories, debates the legitimacy of Bert’s technique, and gears up for a potential test against major league talent. The episode is filled with good-natured ribbing, classic Bert bravado, and playful skepticism from the cast.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Brian McCann Charity Softball Game ([01:21-02:22])

• Context:
  Brian McCann, the celebrated Atlanta Braves catcher, is organizing a charity softball game. Several members of the show — including Bert, Jeff, and Jen — are participating.
• Anticipation:
  Brian McCann will be coming in to promote the game; Bert’s reaction to this is notably intense, sparking today’s main topic.

Quote:

“I gotta practice my pitch. Bert claims… that he has an unhittable Wiffle ball pitch — can't be touched.”
— Jeff, [03:02]

2. The Legend of Bert’s “Unhittable” Wiffle Ball Pitch ([03:01-05:58])

• Backstory:
  Bert insists that his Wiffle ball pitch, honed in college games against roommates, is unbeatable. He details the specific type of Wiffle ball required for his technique (only holes on top, not the sphere with many small holes).
• Ritual & Equipment:
  The correct Wiffle ball and the standard yellow bat are non-negotiable for authenticity.

Quote:

“Back in college… We had a Wiffle ball league… I was undefeated because of one pitch.”
— Bert, [04:42-05:30]

• Playful skepticism:
  The cast teases Bert for needing a very specific ball to maintain his legend and rib him for the defensive tone he takes when recounting his glory days.

Quote:

“If we're gonna talk about this, I need complete silence.”
— Bert, [04:13]

3. Nostalgic Rivalries and Tournament Memories ([05:10-05:58])

• Details:
  Bert describes the apartment tournaments, complete with duct-taped strike zones and a dry-erase board for standings.
• Scorekeeping:
  Bert’s undefeated record is recounted alongside the everpresent competition between roommates.

Quote:

“We had it on a dry erase board. The standings were on a dry erase board in the apartment, in the living room.”
— Bert, [08:23]

4. Bert’s Big Challenge: Facing McCann ([06:07-07:26])

• Dream Come True:
  Bert, with a lifetime of bragging rights at stake, will finally face off against a major leaguer and test his “unhittable” pitch.

• The Stakes:
  “If I strike out Brian McCann, I will be [in the Wiffle Ball Hall of Fame].”
  — Bert, [06:28]

• Preparation:
  Bert discusses his need to train — including scheduling around arm soreness to ensure top performance.

Quote:

“There’s a certain amount of arm soreness that will go with practicing, and my arm can’t be tight.”
— Bert, [07:34]

5. Cast Dynamics and Banter ([04:04-08:44])

• Mockery & Encouragement:
  The cast (Jeff, Jen, and others) press Bert about the “necessity” of the right kind of ball and poke fun at his seriousness regarding Wiffle ball lore.
• Personal Stakes:
  Jen jokes about her lack of typical softball skills as a lesbian, and everyone teases Bert’s obsessive need for complete ritual authenticity.

Notable Moment:

“Are you going to rest? You’re gonna put yourself in rotation?”
— Jeff, [07:39]
“Well, you have to. If I were to practice today, I’m gonna need at least four days for the soreness to go away.”
— Bert, [07:43]

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• [03:26] Jeff: “He’s been for years trying to get in front of a professional baseball player to prove… that his Wiffle ball pitch is unhittable.”
• [04:13] Bert: “If we’re gonna talk about this, I need complete silence.”
• [06:28] Bert: “The unhittable? I don’t think I’ve been nominated yet, but after I strike out Brian McCann, I will be [in Cooperstown].”
• [08:02] Bert (sarcastic): “I’m being patient of your ignorant questions.”
• [08:39] Jeff: “What does the ball do?”
  Bert: “It kind of doesn’t get hit.”
  Jen: “That’s what it does.”

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Noteworthy Segments & Timestamps

• Intro to Charity Game and Bert’s Reaction – [01:21-03:01]
• Origin of Unhittable Pitch – [03:28-05:30]
• Rituals and Rules of College Tournaments – [05:30-05:58]
• Discussion of Equipment Specificity – [06:00-06:20]
• Preparation for the Big Showdown – [07:26-07:49]
• Scorekeeping Nostalgia & Cast Banter – [08:14-08:44]

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Final Takeaways

• Core Theme:
  Bert’s long-held claim of an unhittable Wiffle ball pitch sets the stage for a comedic exploration of personal legends, nostalgic college competitions, and friendly cast skepticism.
• Upcoming Event:
  Anticipation builds as the cast plans the test of Bert’s pitch against a bona fide major leaguer, promising future on-air drama and possible comeuppance (or vindication) for Bert.

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The episode captures the show's signature mix of real-life storytelling, humor, and affectionate cast banter — giving listeners both a reason to root for Bert and plenty to laugh about if/when his pitch faces professional scrutiny.

Transcript

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[Show Host 1]

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[Bert]

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[Jeff]

the Burt Show.

[Bert]

You want to talk about the McCann thing or you want to talk about the thing?

[Jen]

Well, I think sick is so fresh and we're all so fascinated by.

[Show Host 1]

I missed the beginning of this because

[Jen]

I'm out of the studio. A glimpse into the personalities of the people in the room.

[Jeff]

And you didn't even hear the best part of the story. Which was. Which was last. Which was in the halls last week. I didn't hear.

[Jen]

I did not hear this.

[Jeff]

Bury members, but Brian McCann, catcher for the Atlanta Braves, has a charity softball game coming up, and there's a bunch of people participating in it. Among those, me, Bert and Jen. And so Brian is going to come in and promote this. So in the halls.

[Jen]

By the way, I'm the only lesbian that does not play softball.

[Jeff]

Save that.

[Jen]

Yeah, that's why I'm not participating, because I cannot play the game and I've just revoked my lesbian card.

[Jeff]

So the.

[Show Host 1]

And after going to Pride with you and playing softball, everybody's gonna think I am.

[Show Host 2]

That's right.

[Jeff]

So the game is not this Friday, but next Friday. And I mentioned to Bert, we were actually in the downstairs lobby of the building. I was leaving and he was coming back in, and I just casually passed and said, hey, just a heads up, I think McCann's coming in next week to talk about the softball game. And Burt stopped the elevator and what day? Like, more. Cause I trace here. I like conversations like that in the hall. Never garner a reaction. It's just a. Hey, a heads up, you know, whoever is gonna be on the show with this, hey, Usher's coming to studio next week. Oh, okay, cool. Because it's all written down in the computer. He stopped the elevator. He's like, what? Cause who's coming in? I said, Brian McCann. He said, what day? Like, angrily. And I'm like. I said, I don't know. Somet next week. I don't know.

[Bert]

It wasn't anger. It was concern.

[Jeff]

And I said, what's the big deal? And he said, I gotta practice my pitch. Bert claims. Bert claims that he has an unhittable wiffle ball pitch can't be touched.

[Show Host 1]

No way.

[Jeff]

I kid you not. Has been for years trying to get in front of a professional baseball player to prove.

[Jen]

He kidding me.

[Jeff]

That his Wiffle ball pitch is unhittable.

[Bert]

It can't be hit and thrown to Hayden. No, no, no, no. This is years ago. I'll give you the history behind this pitch.

[Jeff]

Oh, Lord.

[Show Host 2]

You want to describe what kind of ball it has to be in order to hit it?

[Bert]

Well, yeah, there is. There are a difference in Wiffle balls, and it can't be, as I was trying to instruct Jeff today. I can't have the ball that has all the little circular holes in it. That's one kind of Wiffle ball. There's another one that just has, like, weirdly shaped holes in the very top of it. That's the wiffle ball I need. Here's how it all started.

[Show Host 2]

So you have to have a special wiffle ball for your special pitch. There's more movement so no one can hit.

[Bert]

Look, there's more movement on that one than there is the one with all the holes in it.

[Jen]

See, this is like a real seance, because Burt's expression really does change and his voice changes when he talks about this unhittable Wiffle ball because he's.

[Bert]

If we're gonna talk about this, I need complete silence.

[Jeff]

Step right up to the plate, Brian

[Bert]

McCann, if you're gonna mock the unhittable pitch, I'm telling you right now, it's not gonna happen. I will say Cooperstown worthy.

[Show Host 1]

Oh, my. Riddle us this, Batman.

[Jeff]

The reason it just came up is because I said that I was gonna go to Toys R Us and just get a couple Wiffle balls. And Bert's like, gotta get yourself the

[Bert]

right kind of Wiffle ball. Let me just tell you he said,

[Jen]

I'll take care of this, Jeff.

[Bert]

Let me give you the history on it. And this is gonna sound like such a guy ish thing here, but back in college, me and my roommates, we had, like, there was like five of us. We had a wiffle ball league.

[Show Host 1]

This when he lived at Disgrace Land.

[Bert]

No, this is way before Disgrace Land, okay? This is back at San Diego.

[Jen]

This is a whole different diet kind of Disgrace.

[Bert]

Whole different ballpark we're talking about here. So there are like four or five of us that lived in this apartment. And we used to go out, we used to play Wiffle ball. It was like a round robin tournament. And to see who could. Who's the best wiffle ball player, we'd go downstairs and there was like a Kmart. And you go out and it was like official wiffle ball stuff. You get like your duct tape. You got to have a strike zone. And if the guy could hit it a certain length, it's a single. Another length, it's a double triple, and you got your home runs. I was undefeated because of one pitch.

[Jeff]

Does it have an.

[Bert]

An unhittable pitch? Yeah, it's called the unhittable Wiffle ball pitch. You know why it's unhittable? So, like, the standees would read something like this. 20 wins, no losses for Burton. Jerry, 10 wins, 10 losses. Tony would be 8 and 12. Burt Undam defeated because of the special. What? Wiffle ball? Not the Wiffle ball.

[Show Host 2]

The special Wiffle ball.

[Bert]

The unhittable Wiffle ball Pitch.

[Jen]

Now.

[Bert]

Pitch.

[Show Host 1]

Ball.

[Jen]

Can we somehow package that story from a news. You know, sportscaster, you know how if you really were being inducted in Cooperstown and they talk about your pitch?

[Show Host 1]

We have to have this done before next Cooperstown.

[Show Host 2]

I don't even know what that is either.

[Bert]

Baseball hall of Fame.

[Jen]

Hello.

[Show Host 2]

I don't know what that is.

[Bert]

Which I think there's actually a Wiffle Ball hall of Fame, too.

[Show Host 2]

You're in it, isn't it?

[Bert]

The Unhittable? I don't think I've been nominated yet, but after I strike out Brian McCann, I will be.

[Show Host 2]

Oh, God.

[Jeff]

You are aware that in the game you're playing and there's like, there's a bunch of Braves, like, Chipper will be there.

[Bert]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Jeff]

Chipper Jones.

[Show Host 2]

I gotta watch this.

[Bert]

But Brian is the only one that's coming in here, right?

[Jeff]

Yeah, but you'll be on the softball field with Chipper and everybody. No, but I mean, if we bring the whip, like you're saying it's Unhittable. Like, I'm just saying, you're. You're making the. You're doing the same thing you did with Zaza, which is you're making these allegations within days of being around people who do this for a living.

[Bert]

There's a sidebar conversation.

[Jen]

The Braves don't play with the ball for a living.

[Bert]

Brian McCann is probably destined for the hall of fame. And I've always wondered if this thing could be hit by a major leaguer. And now I have the opportunity. This has sort of been in the back of my head now for 20 something years. And now I've got the opportunity to try the unhittable pitch against a real major leaguer and all star. Nonetheless, it's on.

[Show Host 1]

You're going to be practicing today?

[Bert]

Well, here's the thing. He's coming in. When?

[Jeff]

I haven't firmed it up yet, but I'll make sure you have plenty of notice. It's going to be next week, probably

[Bert]

Wednesday, because there's a certain amount of arm soreness that will go with practicing, and my arm can't be tight.

[Jeff]

Are you going to rest? You're gonna put yourself in rotation?

[Bert]

Well, you have to. Yeah. If I were to practice today, I'm gonna need at least four days for the soreness to go away.

[Jen]

Do we need ice for the day so you can ice it up?

[Bert]

See, now you're just being ridiculous.

[Show Host 2]

Are you gonna go to four different. Are you gonna go to four different stores and get four different wiffle balls so you can get the exact right one?

[Bert]

No, no, no. It's a standard wiffle ball, and I'm only trying to be patient when you

[Jeff]

let me buy it.

[Bert]

I'm being patient of your ignorant questions.

[Show Host 2]

Let me go buy it. Oh, geez. Why don't you let me go buy your wiffle ball?

[Bert]

Because you won't get the right kind. You'll get the one with all the little holes in it, and I need the one with just the holes on top. And it has to be standard yellow wiffle ball bat. Also.

[Jeff]

What difference does the bat make?

[Bert]

Ton of difference.

[Show Host 1]

I'm just curious on this place where you guys live, did you have the score written on the wall somewhere?

[Bert]

We had it on a dry erase board. The standings were on a dry erase board in the apartment in the living room.

[Show Host 1]

Like that you could check on all the time.

[Bert]

I'm gonna get Jerry and I'm gonna get Tony on with us over the next couple of days.

[Jeff]

Oh, my God.

[Show Host 2]

Are you serious?

[Bert]

Cause I bet they're still bitter about my undefeated Wiffle Ball season.

[Jeff]

What does the ball do?

[Bert]

It kind of doesn't get hit.

[Jen]

That's what it does.

[Jeff]

Hey, the Birch Show.