Vault: Bert wants to play softball

Summary

The Bert Show – "Vault: Bert Wants to Play Softball" (July 29, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this engaging and humorous segment, the Bert Show crew dives into the aftermath of Bert’s recent knee injury and his passionate quest to play in an upcoming celebrity softball game at Turner Stadium. The discussion unfolds around medical advice, family opposition, and the allure of living out a lifelong athletic dream. With candid banter, the hosts weigh the risks and rewards, blending real-life stakes with signature playful energy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The "Athlete" Debate (00:30–01:26)

• Jeff and Bert revisit a conversation from the previous day in which Jeff questioned Bert’s athleticism, sparking friendly debate and some hurt feelings.
  • Jeff: "When I said Bird is not an athlete—"
  • Bert: "No, you said you're not athletic."
  • Jen: "Yes, you did. You said you're not athlete."
  • Jeff: "I said you're not an athlete, which is insulting." (00:58–01:00)
• Bert clarifies that being athletic isn't limited to professionals: "There are plenty of people in the gym that are athletes. They're just not paid." (01:26)

2. The Injury & The Invitation (01:26–02:37)

• Bert explains his severe knee injury (ACL and meniscus) from playing soccer and shares that he’s been in physical therapy, still limping and recovering.
• He describes being invited to play in a celebrity softball game at Turner Stadium—a childhood dream for a baseball lover:
  • Bert: "Playing inside of a major league baseball stadium on a major league field. For a guy like me that's played baseball, his whole life is a dream come true." (02:31–02:37)
• Bert’s physical therapist is optimistic about his recovery timeline and gives initial encouragement.

3. Domestic Dilemma: Wife Says No (02:38–03:26)

• Upon receiving positive feedback from his physical therapist, Bert tells his wife he's set to play—but she's adamantly against it.
  • Bert: "She is basically telling me, no. It's maybe the first time in our 16 year relationship that she has said that, no, you are on restriction from doing something." (02:48–02:55)
• Bert describes the dynamic humorously, feeling "grounded" by his spouse over his own safety.

4. Conflicting Medical Advice (03:26–03:42)

• Dr. Tom McWhale, Bert's surgeon, cautions against playing, warning of potential complications with the hamstring graft.
  • Bert: "He said that there would be a chance because the graph, the hamstring graph that he did could slip if I played in that... One game." (03:23–03:26)
• Physical therapist Mark remains optimistic, leading to team confusion.

5. Seeking Consensus (03:42–04:50)

• The next step: organizing a conference call between Bert, his physical therapist, and his doctor to get everyone "on the same page."
• The crew jests about turning the situation into a reality show: "Doctor vs. Physical Therapist" (show concept joke from Jen, 04:15).
• Bert shares that, for now, the decision is "tabled" while emails from listeners pour in, ranging from support to accusations of selfishness.

6. Logistics and Family Input (04:42–05:12)

• Jeff asks whether Bert’s wife should be included in the medical conference call, which Bert sidesteps, saying she's "busy, busy, busy." (04:46–04:52)
• Jen checks the date of the game, with the group confirming it’s at the end of June, giving Bert about a month to decide and heal.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Bert (on being grounded): "She is basically telling me, no. It's maybe the first time in our 16 year relationship that she has said that, no, you are on restriction from doing something. I am not allowing you grounded as an adult." (02:48–02:56)
• Jen (reality show pitch): "This is a new reality show. It's doctor versus physical Therapist and it's gonna air at the end of the summertime. So you're just prepping for it right now." (04:13–04:29)
• Bert (on fan responses): "So everybody that emailed me yesterday, is this the—those of you that said, go ahead and do it... To those that said I'm being a really selfish bastard, all you guys, everything's on the table until I get every—everybody on the same." (03:48–04:08)

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• Athleticism Debate: 00:30–01:26
• Knee Injury Background & Invitation: 01:26–02:37
• Wife Lays Down the Law: 02:38–03:26
• Doctor vs. Therapist: 03:26–03:42
• Decision Pending & Reality Show Jest: 03:42–04:29
• Listener Responses & Tabling the Issue: 04:29–05:12

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Summary

This spirited episode spotlights the Bert Show crew’s quick wit and candid dynamic as Bert wrestles with an all-too-relatable predicament: chasing a dream while balancing medical caution and family wishes. The episode deftly mixes heartfelt moments, real-life stakes, and trademark humor—making for a compelling listen whether you’re a longtime fan or just tuning in.

Transcript

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[Jeff]

Refreshers contain caffeine.

[Bird]

The Bird Show. Just a follow up from the conversation we had yesterday. Okay. About the knee.

[Jeff]

Oh, no.

[Bird]

The softball game and everything that happened yesterday.

[Jen]

Jeff's insult that he's. He's never insulted you that badly in nine years.

[Jeff]

I didn't mean it in a way.

[Bird]

Just pretend I didn't even hear it. I mean, you got to consider the source on an insult like that.

[Jeff]

I didn't mean it. I meant it professionally.

[Bird]

I'm not a professional athlete.

[Jeff]

Right. So when I said Bird is not an athlete.

[Bird]

No, you said you're not athletic.

[Jeff]

No, you didn't.

[Jen]

Yes, you did. You said you're not athlete. No, I said you're not an athlete.

[Jeff]

I said you're not an athlete, which is insulting.

[Bird]

But I am an athlete.

[Jeff]

But not a professional athlete. That's different.

[Jen]

But that's different than athletes really qualify because. Yeah, Jeff, the way you said it was, honey, be careful.

[Jeff]

But what I meant was, you know,

[Jen]

the ice that you're on is starting to crack. Then crack a little bit.

[Jeff]

What I meant to say, what I was explaining is, because of your knee, you don't have to participate in sports. You're still talking to earn a living.

[Jen]

You can still talk to.

[Jeff]

You are not an athlete.

[Bird]

I am not a professional athlete.

[Jeff]

Right. Same difference.

[Bird]

There are plenty of people in the gym that are athletes. They're just not paid. Anyway, so just back history here. I jacked up my knee a couple of months ago playing soccer. Very athletic sport. Athletes play soccer. They're thin and fast and athletic. But I busted up my knee. I've jacked up my ACL and my meniscus. So I've been on crutches, and I'm still going through physical therapy, and I'm hobbling. Uh, even now, I'm still kind of limping on it. And I was invited to play in a celebrity softball game at the end of June. This just happened this weekend.

[Jen]

Mm.

[Bird]

Um, it was briefly brought up to me at. At a restaurant from somebody within the Braze organization. And the date of this celebrity softball tournament is the very end of June. So I asked my physical therapist if he thought my knee would be ready for Me to play in that. And the big deal about this is not that it's a celebrity softball game. Jen and I have played in those before. Those are fun. This one is inside of the Ted 10 Turner Stadium. Playing inside of a major league baseball stadium on a major league field. For a guy like me that's played baseball, his whole life is a dream come true.

[Jen]

That would be really cool.

[Bird]

The coolest thing really ever. And who knows if this charity event is going to happen again next year. So I asked my physical therapist, he said, yes, we will have you ready by then. So I went and I told my wife that I was gonna be ready. This is done. And she is basically telling me, no. It's maybe the first time in our 16 year relationship that she has said that, no, you are on restriction from doing something. I am not allowing you grounded as an adult. You are grounded from. She's banning me. She's banning me. And I am defiantly digging in and saying no, I am playing in that game. So my doctor called in yesterday, Tom McWhale, who worked on my knee, and he said that there would be a chance because the graph, the hamstring graph that he did could slip if I played in that. If I played in that game. One game.

[Jen]

Ouch.

[Bird]

I've got to get everybody on my team on the same page because my physical therapist, Mark, heard about it yesterday.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Bird]

He thinks I'm gonna be ready, no problem. My doctor says not so much. So we're gonna have to get on a little conference call and. And we're going to have to try to figure out.

[Jen]

So that's what we're doing right now is we're working. Oh, we're not.

[Bird]

I'm just giving you a little update before Jay comes.

[Jen]

Birds is telling everybody, you know what?

[Bird]

We're going to be on the same page. We're going to be. A decision has not been made yet. So everybody that emailed me yesterday, is this the. Those of you that said, go ahead and do it, I've had the same surgery, no problem, do it. To those that said I'm being a really selfish bastard, all you guys, everything's on the table until I get every. Everybody on the same.

[Jen]

Is this the same way? No decision has been made as the reality TV show. No decision has been made.

[Bird]

There hasn't been a situation.

[Jen]

This is a new reality show. It's doctor versus physical Therapist and it's gonna air at the end of the summertime. So you're just prepping for it right now. That's the episode night.

[Bird]

This would make better TV than anything I have lined up. I got nothing. So that we're at. Everybody's sort of at a standstill now. My wife and I aren't agreeing. My physical therapist and my doctor aren't agreeing. So right now we are tabling it until we can all get on the same page.

[Jeff]

Did you say if your wife is gonna be in on the conference call, or is it just you, doctor and therapist?

[Bird]

It would just be me and the doctor and the physical therapist. She's busy, busy, busy.

[Jeff]

Do you want to ask her if she wants to be in on it?

[Bird]

She's got a lot of things to do during the day.

[Jeff]

Do you want to call her right now and see if she can make time for it?

[Bird]

No, because Jake's on the phone. We don't have time.

[Jen]

When is the game, by the way?

[Bird]

Until, like, the end of June 26th.

[Jen]

So it's like, 27 next month. Okay.

[Bird]

Plenty of time.

[Jen]

Keep it in my head. All right.

[Bird]

Okay.

[Jen]

All right.

[Bird]

The Birch Show.