Vault: Bert was hurt by his mom

Summary

The Bert Show – "Vault: Bert was hurt by his mom"

Date: July 30, 2026
Main Theme:
In this emotionally candid episode, Bert opens up about a painful estrangement with his mother and the deeply complex, ongoing struggles resulting from a difficult parent-child relationship. The conversation touches on cycles of familial hurt, feelings of guilt, the nature of cutoffs, and how listeners manage fraught family bonds—especially around Mother's Day. The rest of the cast and several listeners share their personal reflections and advice, providing support, skepticism, and hard-won perspective.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Mother’s Day Plans & Family Dynamics

• [00:01–00:54]
  • The crew shares their plans for Mother’s Day, setting the stage for Bert’s admission of a bittersweet holiday due to a fallout with his mom.
  • Example: "I'm having a bittersweet Mother's Day here, man. Me and my mom had a falling out months ago, and... we're just not speaking to each other." – Bert [00:54]

2. The Cycle of Family "Cutoffs"

• [00:54–03:23]
  • Bert describes a family history rife with abrupt “cutoffs”—a pattern he always swore he’d avoid but has now found himself repeating.
  • Cites childhood issues dating back to being treated as a “divorce trophy,” and how his mother's tendencies to emotionally withdraw have persisted over the years.
    • "My mom is just really, really crappy at being a mom." – Bert [01:35]
    • "She continued that hurtful pattern … at one point, she said that she couldn't go through this stress right now. So she said, 'I don't want to talk to you. Go on'." – Bert [01:43]
  • A pivotal moment: His mother sends an email refusing to help with a problem, telling him not to contact her. Months later, she announces she’s ready to reconnect.
    • "At that point, I was like, screw you, man. Like, now I'm on your timetable." – Bert [02:53]
  • The struggle between knowing a parent’s responsibility versus his own stubborn resentment.

3. Emotional Honesty & The Tension of Reconciliation

• [03:24–04:55]
  • Bert candidly admits that he doesn’t feel any genuine urge to reconnect with his mother; any attempt would feel “fake.”
  • The rest of the cast questions if complete estrangement is possible, or if circumstances (like illness) could prompt reconciliation.
    • "You've said, though, the ties are always so strong... you still, as much as it can hurt, you will go back and go back for more." – Cast [03:40]
  • Bert is adamant he won’t allow a “final cutoff”—even as he recognizes that’s what’s happening: "I just... I don't want to be part of that same problem that's been in our family for so long. But as I'm saying the words, I know I'm doing it." [04:02]

4. The Unread Letter & Advice on What to Do Next

• [04:55–05:51]
  • Bert has received a sealed letter from his mom but can't bring himself to read it.
  • Cast members suggest he call his mom without reading the letter, or shred/burn it to prevent further emotional manipulation.
    • "Don't read the letter... drop it in the shredder or burn it so you don't even have the option to look at it." – Cast [05:07]
    • "I really don't feel in my heart that I have a desire to be in a relationship with this woman right now, even though she's my mother." – Bert [05:51]

5. Mortality, Regret, and Parental Loss

• [06:38–11:06]
  • The group debates whether Bert would regret the estrangement if his mother died. Bert feels he has already made peace, but others (especially those who have lost parents) warn that feelings could change.
    • "I guess I'm living for the clean slate, that when she passes away, that I could just live at peace with it." – Bert [07:02]
    • "I'm telling you... you don't know how you're going to feel when they pass away... that's a whole different ball game." – Cast [07:00]
    • "Just because they pass away doesn't mean that they're not still a part of your life every day, because they are still part of your emotion and your head games and everything." – Cast [10:50]

6. Listener Calls: Solidarity, Guilt, and One Last Try

• [07:02–12:11]
  • Listeners call in to share similar experiences and support Bert’s emotional boundaries.
    • "I'm going through the exact same thing... I cannot feel guilty. Only thing you can do is focus on your family and your future." – Jennifer, Listener [07:05]
  • Others urge Bert to consider giving the relationship one more chance to avoid future regrets.
    • "That one last ditch effort. It's your mom... one last try... before you can't anymore." – Summer, Listener [11:39]

7. Living With the Letter—and the Pain

• [12:11–13:06]
  • Bert confesses the letter tortures him daily, but he can’t summon the energy to address it.
    • "That letter screams to me every single day now. Like, I'll lift it up and I'll just put it back down. I just don't want to deal. It feels so exhausting to me." – Bert [12:11]
  • The group urges him to focus on the positive events and joy in his current family life, suggesting not to let his mom’s words overshadow happier celebrations.

8. Humor & Coping

• [13:08–13:25]
  • The episode closes with light-hearted banter about turning the letter into a Mad Lib or censoring the adjectives—injecting humor into a heavy topic to provide some emotional relief.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "My mom is just really, really crappy at being a mom." — Bert [01:35]
• "She said, 'I don't want to talk to you. Go on.' So she did the cutoff thing, which I swore I would never do." — Bert [01:44]
• "At that point, I was like, screw you, man. Like, now I'm on your timetable." — Bert [02:53]
• "I really don't feel in my heart that I have a desire to be in a relationship with this woman right now, even though she's my mother." — Bert [05:51]
• "I'm telling you... you don't know how you're going to feel when they pass away... that's a whole different ball game." — Cast [07:00]
• "Just because they pass away doesn't mean that they're not still a part of your life every day, because they are still part of your emotion and your head games and everything." — Cast [10:50]
• "That letter screams to me every single day now... I'll lift it up and I'll just put it back down. I just don't want to deal." — Bert [12:11]
• "Why don't you give it to me... I'll just tweak it, and then we will do it as a mad lib on the show." — Cast [13:11]

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Important Timestamps

• 00:54: Bert introduces the main topic—his estrangement and the "cutoff" from his mother.
• 01:35: Bert candidly criticizes his mother’s parenting.
• 02:53: Bert recounts his reaction to his mother’s conditional attempts at reconciliation.
• 04:02–05:51: The group discusses possible next steps with the unread letter.
• 07:05: Listener Jennifer shares her similar experience and advice regarding guilt.
• 10:50–11:06: Deep discussion on the emotional permanence of a deceased parent.
• 12:11: Bert details his conflicted feelings about confronting the letter.
• 13:11: The show ends on a lighter note, suggesting humor as a way to deal with hurt.

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Summary

This episode serves as an emotionally raw and honest look at navigating unfixable parental estrangement and the ways in which old family traumas resurface around milestones like Mother's Day. Bert's story, supported and challenged by his colleagues and listeners, explores the messiness of love, resentment, obligation, and grief. Honest, relatable, and at moments even darkly funny, it’s an episode for anyone grappling with complicated family bonds.

Transcript

[A]

It's the vert show. So, Jen, Hobby, you are flying to Florida this weekend to hang out with moms for Mother's Day.

[B]

Christ.

[C]

I will be in Florida this weekend. Yeah. There's a family friend's wedding this weekend I'm really excited about and gonna see lots of family and friends and my brothers going down and all that stuff, so. Yeah, that'll be cool.

[A]

Cool. What you got going on, Wendy? Your mom's here in town?

[D]

Yeah, my mom lives here in town, so spending most of the weekend with her and then probably just going out with friends tonight. But not a huge weekend. Not anything big to do.

[A]

So you going to Nashville, hang out with Mom?

[D]

Probably not. Mama Joe's here in Atlanta, so we're debating on when, if, and if there is any need to be on hand in Nashville to help with cleanup. So we're playing that by ear. But the plans are to stay here in Atlanta and celebrate with Mama Joe. Because this is the month of Millie Pete. Her birthday is later in a month, and a lot of times our family makes a bigger deal about the birthday than we do the Mother's Day, so. Yeah.

[A]

And, Jeffrey, for Mother's Day, what are you doing?

[E]

I just fedexed up some healthy trim.

[A]

That's cool.

[D]

That was really sweet of you.

[A]

Your dad told you to do that, right? I'm having a bittersweet Mother's Day here, man. Me and my mom had a falling out months ago, and. Yeah, we're just not speaking to each other. In my family, these cutoffs are pretty common. And I always swore I would not be. I would not continue this tradition of cutoffs. Right. But my mom and I. It's just so freaking complicated. To try to explain to you what's happened over the last couple of years between us is just impossible.

[D]

Well, you were a divorce first. Brand New Living Listeners. You were pretty much a divorce trophy, Correct? In that what kind of started the strain?

[A]

I mean, yeah, but that was when I was 7 or 8 years old.

[D]

But that's where.

[A]

I mean, it sort of continued through the years. And my mom has just done things. She's just not a good mom. You know, there are some moms that are good at it, some aren't. My mom is just really, really crappy at being a mom. And because she is, she does things that are hurtful. Either they're on purpose or not, but they're still hurtful nonetheless. So she continued that hurtful pattern. And we. I talked to her about it, and at one point, she said that she couldn't go through this stress right now. So she said, I don't want to talk to you. Go on. So she did the cutoff thing, which I swore I would never do. And, yeah, she also sent me an email one day that, for me, this was, like, the. The end point. Also, she's like, I was coming to her for some help with a problem, and she basically said, there's. It's too stressful for me to deal with, so handle it on yourself by yourself, and don't send me emails, and I don't want to talk to you for a while.

[E]

Did the problem involve her, or was it like.

[A]

It was. Yes. Part. Yeah, it was her also. It was. It's. Yeah, it's just. It was part of. Like I said, it's so hard to explain all this. Part of a larger picture of her parenting. And even today, still just being crappy at it. So she's like, I can't deal with it. Goodbye. So then a couple of months, and she said, deal with it by yourself. Don't send me an email. Don't call. You're on your own on this. Right. So a couple. Yeah, it is.

[B]

Right.

[A]

A couple of months later, she sends me an email saying, I feel okay now. Now it's time that you and I can have this relationship again. And at that point, I was like, screw you, man. Like, now I'm on your timetable. And my feeling now is that, you know, it is a parent's responsibility to make sure that your relationship is okay with your kids. I'm gonna do with mine. I will never cut off my kids. Never, never, never. So now I'm sort of digging in in a stubborn way. But the truth of the matter is, like, I don't have any.

[D]

I don't have.

[A]

I'm so angry still that the cutoff was an option for her, that I don't have any authentic feelings to have a relationship with her right now. Like, it would feel so fake to me, like, to call her up or have her come down or. I just. I just don't have a lot of feelings for it.

[C]

You've said, though, that the ties are always so strong, even with your dad and with your mom, that, like, you still, as much as it can hurt, you will go back and go back for more and go back for more. Like, you don't feel like there will ever be a final cutoff. Cause you thought that was that way with your dad. But then when he got sick, you were like, oh, well, he might be gone forever now, so maybe I will

[A]

not allow a final cutoff. I just. I won't. But now, yeah, I won't allow it. I just. I don't want to be part of that same problem that's been in our family for so long. But as I'm saying the words, I know I'm doing it.

[B]

Mm.

[E]

So what if you. Go ahead. I was just gonna offer a suggestion. So you were gonna. Because I read about it on Facebook, and you talked about it earlier, but she mailed you a letter.

[A]

Yeah, she sent me a letter about

[E]

48 hours ago that's sealed, sitting on your kitchen table or whatever. And you haven't decided when you're gonna

[A]

look at it, Right.

[E]

What if you called her without reading it? What if you called her on Mother's Day and said, you know what, Mom? I don't know what was in the letter. I haven't opened it. But here's the deal. We're all adults. We're all grownups, and life is short. So let's talk this through. And if she goes, well, I want you to read. Or I want you to go over what's in the letter, go, well, you know what? Tell me. Let's talk it through.

[A]

And my mom's a therapist, by the way.

[E]

That's weird.

[C]

That is a really odd family therapist.

[A]

Family therapist in New York City.

[F]

So odd.

[A]

I guess that's probably the mature right thing to do.

[E]

But don't read the letter. Do you have a paper shredder at your house?

[D]

That's what I was gonna suggest earlier.

[E]

Yeah. Drop it in the shred.

[A]

I've got Hollis.

[E]

Yeah, seriously, drop it in the shredder or burn it so you don't even have the option to look at it. And then call her up and go, whatever you had to say in that letter, say it to me. And then you respond to it, and you either. And let that be that I couldn't do that.

[C]

I wouldn't be that strong. I would have to open it and read it.

[E]

I've watched Burt delete emails from people. He's like, I don't. I. It blows my mind. But he is the only person capable of doing it. But we were having email wars with somebody, and they wrote back to us. And Burke goes, you delete yours. I deleted mine. Click. And I watched him. I'm like, forever. He's like, I don't need to read what he says. I know, but tell him you didn't read it, but read it.

[A]

Why give them that kind of power over you, you know? But here's how I would answer that. You know how, Jen, how you used to say, like, with your smoking, like, you just weren't ready, like, you didn't want. You didn't have the desire to give up smoking? I really don't feel in my heart that I have a desire to be in a relationship with this woman right now, even though she's my mother. Like, I know. I hear the words that Jeff's saying, and I know what the right thing is to do. And I've also taken the defensive end on this also and said, okay, if she passes away tomorrow, am I gonna be able to live with this for the rest of my life? Cause at that point, it's gonna be too late. And I can answer that honestly and say I have given so much to my mom and she has provided so much pain over the years because that I have given her everything that I can. That if she passed away, I feel in my heart that she was incapable of allowing me to have a relationship with her.

[C]

No, I just.

[D]

Yeah, well, I just say that it's easy to say that, oh, I feel a certain way. When your parents are still alive, you don't know how you're going to feel when they pass away. That shouldn't even be an option in your mind because that's a whole different ball game. You have no idea.

[A]

I guess I'm living for the clean slate, that when she passes away, that I could just live at peace with it. We've never been close.

[D]

I'm telling you, you still know. You just don't know.

[A]

Here's Jennifer. Hey, Jennifer, Good morning.

[C]

Hi.

[A]

Hi.

[F]

Good morning, everybody. I want to tell you, I'm going through the exact same thing will happen for years, and don't feel guilty about it. I had this guilt for so many years that the relationship was the way it was. And I'm like, you know what? Now I have my own family and I cannot feel guilty. Only thing you can do is focus on your family and your future and just don't even hold that guilt. Don't let the guilt, the cloud of guilt come over you because there's nothing you can do. Just let her be.

[A]

And, you know, I got these. I got emails and I got Facebooks and tweets yesterday also from people that were saying, look, this, at the end of the day, this is still your mother, right? But the truth is that our relationship has been so crappy and it. And so fractured since my birth that this is gonna be. This is gonna sound awful. I don't feel a whole bunch of Love. Like I said, I feel like a gravitational pull. If Stacy's mom passed away tomorrow, I'd be crushed. If Stacy's dad passed away tomorrow, I'd be crushed. If my mom passed away tomorrow, I don't know that I would have the same feelings.

[E]

I think you'd be surprised.

[A]

I don't know. It's been like this for a long time now. Melissa has had a parent that's passed away.

[D]

I'm the only one in the room that's had a parent pass away. And I'm telling you that you just can't. You say that it's this. It's the very same thing as you saying what to your parent. Like, you tell us all the time we don't know anything about being a parent because we don't have a child, but once we do, we'll understand. And that's how I feel about, you know, anybody that says, well, I think I could be at peace with my parents. No, I mean, it's a whole different. It's just. Maybe, but you're tight with your dad. Like, but there's. But I think one. You have a misconception. I think that. I honestly think you have a misconception about what a average family's like because you assume. I think that because a family's close, that means that they are close and feeling good about each other 24 7. And that's not the truth. Families ebb and flow when it comes to emotions. Sometimes they get on your. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes Millie, Pete and I get in a fight. Sometimes we don't. My dad and I, sometimes we talked and sometimes we didn't. I mean, it just. But we were close. We were still family. And so I think that, you know, when a parent dies, all of that is. Is brought to the surface. And so I. Yeah, it's not. It's not like happy, happy.

[C]

All.

[D]

I think your case is extreme because of the cutoffs and because of just the intense negativity all the time. But I do think that most families, yeah, there's fights and there's. You don't get along, and there's. Sometimes you don't talk for a couple weeks or whatever.

[E]

But you know what I think happens too? When people pass, and this will be 225 an hour, by the way, for what I'm about to say. But I think if somebody passes and it seems gross to have that. To have the conversation about your mom passing because she's not even sick, but it happens. So there's instant forgiveness. Like, the minute somebody's gone, whether you want or not, there's a lot of forgiveness for all of the faults, because in the end, there's, like an acknowledgement that they're just mortal, they're just human, and they make mistakes. And that's where it's going to get weird for you, because as soon as it happens, well, there's nothing left.

[D]

The thing is, there's nothing. The frustrating thing, and it lasts with you the rest of your life. There's never an opportunity. You don't stop thinking about them. You don't stop feeling like they're in your life. It is just an unnatural thing to think that they're not here anymore. And every day there's something that comes up, and there may be times that you regret the fact that you can't say anything to them anymore. You can't talk to him anymore. You can't have any more resolution. You can't have any more fights. You can't have nothing. Nothing. And one of the things that's hardest for me, for my father to be gone, is the fact that I can't have any more conversations with him. And that's hard. And it never goes away. If something new happens, if something happens in the news, if something happens in my life, I can't share it with him because he's not here. He never met Katie Jo. It's a huge regret in my life. So, you know, so it just. Just because they pass away doesn't mean that they're not still a part of your life every day, because they are still part of your emotion and your head games and everything. So it. Just because that happens, it doesn't. It doesn't disappear. There's no clean slate. There's no such thing.

[A]

Hey, Adam. Good morning.

[B]

Good morning. Hey, Bert. I just want to tell you I think you're doing the right thing. I have a brother who has essentially pushed away every member of our family, including his grandfather. And you just. There's only so much you can take, and you just have to. Just have to take yourself out of it and hope that he realizes or she realizes what they've done wrong. And they'll come back to you, and hopefully things will be okay. And sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. But you can't beat yourself all over it.

[A]

Thanks, man. Here is Summer. Good morning. One more call. Hey, what's up?

[F]

Good morning. Hey, you know, I think one last call, just one last try, because you already know to expect that she might cut you off again. I had A friend who died in a car accident. Before she died, we got into an argument, and I didn't hug her when she walked away. And that was three years ago. And that's all I think about. So, like, that one last ditch effort. It's your mom just trying. She's not acting like a mom by cutting you off, but one last try. You know what I'm saying? That's what I think.

[A]

I know that that letter screams to me every single day now. I mean, two hours, like, I'm on my computer, I'm like, okay, am I in the right mindset to go ahead and open this thing? And then I'll walk into the kitchen to open it, and then I'll. I'll lift it up and I'll just put it back down. I can't. I just don't want to deal. It feels so exhausting to me.

[C]

Well, just focus on Stacy as a mom this Mother's Day and Stacy's mom as, like, your surrogate mom.

[A]

I think your advice to me earlier this morning may be the one I

[C]

actually take about the celebrations.

[A]

There's so many great things in May that happen for my family. I've got Mother's Day, my anniversary, Stacy's birthday, Hollis's birthday, are all in May for me that to have this sort of, like, to deal with this now, I could put off till June and feel real good about that.

[C]

Just celebrate the good things in your life because you don't want that dark cloud. I mean, if your mother says something really, really mean in that letter, that's gonna hang over this whole month, which should be full of awesome celebrations for your family.

[A]

And she's very capable of that. That's why I haven't opened it.

[E]

Why don't you give it to me?

[A]

You can stop the sentence right now,

[E]

and then I'll just tweak it, and then we will do it as a mad lib on the show.

[D]

We can do censor adjectives.

[E]

Lately, I have found you to be a very big noun. Melissa.

[A]

Here, Burcha.