Vault: Bert's Birthday QVC Roulette

Summary

The Bert Show Episode Summary

Episode: Vault: Bert's Birthday QVC Roulette

Date: July 16, 2026

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Overview

This lively episode celebrates Bert's birthday with the show's signature humor and camaraderie. The central theme revolves around the group's beloved tradition: "QVC Roulette," in which the team calls QVC and purchases whatever happens to be on-air at that moment for the birthday celebrant. The episode is packed with playful banter about age, shopping surprises, and some unexpected interactions with a QVC representative.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Birthday Banter & Age Jokes

• The episode opens with jokes about Bert’s age, setting a fun and irreverent tone.
  • Bert claims not to be 48 or 50, despite good-natured teasing from the cast.
  • Jen challenges the concept that "50 is the new 40," insisting, "40 is 40 and 30 is 30. ... 50 is not the new 40 and 60 is not the new 50." (01:11)
  • Reflecting on childhood perceptions of age, Melissa notes, "Little kids think you're ancient after you're the age of 18." (01:27)

2. Explaining QVC Roulette Tradition

• Bert explains how the QVC Roulette segment works:
  • On cast members' birthdays, they call QVC and purchase whatever is showing live.
  • Jen relates, "We don't have QVC on in the studio...whatever is what they're selling is what these guys collectively have to buy for me today on my birthday." (02:18)
  • Melissa remembers, "We're always on Bert's Big Adventure on my birthday, so we don't ever call tv," underlining the tradition's history. (02:39)

3. Placing the QVC Call

• The group calls QVC, introducing themselves to Linda, the representative.
  • Jen: "Hey, Linda with QVC. My name is Bert, and we're doing a show on the radio right now in Atlanta. And what we really need to know right now is what are you currently selling..." (03:38)
• Linda is initially reluctant to describe the product, citing company policy, but reveals they're selling "a blouse." (03:50)
  • After some persistence, Linda clarifies: "It's a Denim and Company solid gauze utility shirt with contrast stitching. It's $22.17." (04:18)
  • Jen, in classic show fashion, jokes about sizing for Bert: "He's got extremely, oddly big Popeye arms, but a tiny little waist." (04:51)
• The cast makes playful requests, such as trying to split the $22.17 into "six even payments," which Linda firmly declines. (05:14)
• Linda maintains a no-nonsense attitude, leading to memorable comedic moments:
  • Jen teases: "You are just so not amused by us at all. Not even a little bit." (05:22)
  • Linda deadpans: "No. I think you're playing." (05:31)

4. Flirty Humor and Awkwardness

• As the call progresses, Jen goes off-script, joking about sexual chemistry with Linda:
  • Jen: "Is there some weird sexual chemistry going on between you and I right now? ... Is that what I'm feeling?" (06:07)
  • Linda, unfazed, states: "No, but I think I'm gonna let this call go." (06:14)
  • Jen: "Are you sure there's a..."
    Linda: "Would you like to speak to a supervisor?" (06:16)
• The segment ends with friendly exasperation as Linda transfers them to a supervisor and exits the call.

5. Camaraderie & Callbacks

• After the call, the team reflects on their interactions and history with QVC Roulette.
  • Burt: "When you were out with your busted up knee, we got Melissa a nice tunic. And the woman was adorable." (06:47)
  • Jen jokes, "Well, I think Linda there fears intimacy. And she felt what I was feeling. And I think that's why she was so rude. That's why the wall was up." (06:56)
• The segment ends with laughter, embracing the show's classic blend of affection and gentle ribbing.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Age:
  • Jen: "40 is 40 and 30 is 30. Yeah, no it's not. And 50 is not the new 40 and 60 is not the new 50." (01:11)
• On QVC Roulette:
  • Jen: "We don't have QVC on in the studio. So we call the 1-800-number... whatever is what they're selling is what these guys collectively have to buy for me today on my birthday." (02:18)
• Linda’s Reluctance:
  • Linda (QVC): "We're not allowed to do that when we work." (03:56)
  • Jen: "You are just so not amused by us at all. Not even a little bit." (05:22)
  • Linda: "No. I think you're playing." (05:31)
• Comic Sexual Tension:
  • Jen: "Is there some weird sexual chemistry going on between you and I right now? Is that what I'm feeling?" (06:07)
  • Linda: "No, but I think I'm gonna let this call go." (06:14)
• Ribbing After the Call:
  • Jen: "She wanted me so bad. That's the same attitude I've gotten my whole life. That's how I know a woman wants me." (06:38)
  • Burt: "Just so you know...that's how I know they dig me." (06:44)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:01-01:01: Ads and sponsor reads (skip)
• 01:02-02:18: Birthday banter and explaining the QVC Roulette tradition
• 02:19-03:50: Calling QVC—setting up and getting to Linda
• 03:51-06:30: Placing the order, negotiation, and Linda’s awkward exit
• 06:31-07:10: Reflection and comedic post-call debrief

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Tone, Style, and Final Thoughts

The episode is playful, quick-witted, and fueled by the spontaneous chemistry among the team. Humor is at the forefront—whether poking fun at aging, lampooning home shopping quirks, or gently ribbing an unsuspecting QVC rep. The live, unscripted nature of the QVC Roulette tradition adds both unpredictability and a sense of family tradition to the show.

Fans of the show’s blend of humor, authenticity, and genuine friendship will enjoy this episode—especially for its memorable character moments, running jokes, and the hilarious awkwardness of their annual birthday shopping stunt.

Transcript

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[Spinquest Legal Disclaimer]

You're on the Burt Show.

[Burt]

I think we cause today's Burt's birthday.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Yep.

[Burt]

Happy 48.

[Jen]

I'm not 48.

[Melissa]

You know what, Bert? 50 is the new 40.

[Burt]

I'm not 50.

[Jen]

I had yesterday someone said, you know, 40 is the new 30. And I said, you know, a 40 year old came with up to that. I'm talking to 30 year olds and they say 30 is the new 20. So. No, it's not. 40 is 40 and 30 is 30. Yeah, no it's not. And 50 is not the new 40 and 60 is not the new 50.

[Melissa]

Little kids think you're ancient after you're the age of 18.

[Jen]

Yeah, I remember doing the math like back in the day to see how old I was gonna be when I was 30. Man, that is so far.

[Burt]

Wait, what? Back in the day you did the math to see how old you would be when you were 30?

[Jen]

Well, you know what year it was gonna be when you were gonna be 30 and just thinking, wow, so far in the future.

[Spinquest Announcer]

So far in the future, that'll never happen.

[Carvana Announcer]

We'll have flying cars by then.

[Burt]

So I have actually a technical question for Wendy and Jen and Melissa.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Okay.

[Burt]

Because Bert is reaching the age where he may actually start buying clothing from. Do we still participate in QVC roulette?

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Yes, absolutely.

[Melissa]

It's so much fun. You know, Paula Deen was on there yesterday. Really?

[Jen]

And no, we're not roughly the same age, me and Paula Deen.

[Melissa]

I'm just saying she's a friend of the show.

[Burt]

So do you want to call now?

[Jen]

Sure. The way that this has worked in past years is that we don't have QVC on in the studio. So we call the 1-800-number, and whatever is what they're selling is what these guys collectively have to buy for me Today on my birthday. Do the same thing for Melissa on her birthday, and Jen's like, yeah, I'm ready to go. Was it one year?

[Melissa]

Didn't we do on my birthday?

[Jen]

Were you here? Oh, she sure was.

[Melissa]

We're always on Bird's Big Adventure on my birthday, so we don't ever call tv.

[Jen]

You get the gift of hanging out with the Burt's Big Adventure families.

[Melissa]

That's a good gift. You're right, it is. No, it is.

[Jen]

And today, Jen, it's not about you.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Oh, okay.

[Melissa]

Every day, Alyssa's in a bad mood.

[Carvana Announcer]

Great.

[Burt]

I know. Hey, Bert, for your.

[Melissa]

Alyssa's in a good mood.

[Lady Luck (Spinquest Promoter)]

I know.

[Jen]

She won't be by the end of the break.

[Burt]

I know. For your birthday, Bert, I'm just going to try to give you a smile. It seems to be lacking in the room today. I don't know what so mad about. Weather's beautiful.

[Carvana Announcer]

God, you keep talking.

[Jen]

When does he stop?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Welcome to QVC. To place an order or obtain product information, press 1.

[Jen]

We all agree, whatever's on the screen, you're buying, right?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Yep. At the moment, all of our rep. Hi, this is Linda with qvc. How can I help you?

[Jen]

Hey, Linda with qvc. My name is Bert, and we're doing a show on the radio right now in Atlanta. And what we really need to know right now is what are you currently selling on the screen at qvc?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

We're selling a blouse.

[Burt]

A blouse. Awesome.

[Jen]

Can you give me a little more description of that?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

We're not allowed to do that when we work.

[Burt]

So you're not allowed to describe what

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

you're selling at work unless you're ordering. I'm sorry.

[Jen]

Oh, yeah, we're planning on ordering.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

What did you want to order? What's on air?

[Jen]

Yes, ma'.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Am.

[Burt]

We have a tradition that when it's somebody's birthday on our show, we call QVC and we buy them whatever's on the screen.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Oh, really?

[Spinquest Announcer]

Yes.

[Burt]

Yes.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

It's a denim and company solid gauze utility shirt with contrast stitching. It's $22.17.

[Burt]

Okay. It's got. It's a utility.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

All utility pockets. Just little pockets on it inside. Okay.

[Jen]

What color is it?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Black, fuchsia, clear, aqua, medium green, purple and yellow.

[Jen]

You think it's gonna be hot? You think it'll be slimming?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Do you want the fuchsia Bert? Yeah.

[Jen]

I'll take that in fuchsia.

[Burt]

Sure.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

What size?

[Jen]

I'm a petite.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Well, what is the. Petite is the size you wear.

[Burt]

He's got extremely, oddly big Popeye arms, but a tiny little waist.

[Jen]

Very small. What's a small?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

You want a smaller fuchsia?

[Jen]

Yes.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Do you have an account with us?

[Jen]

I believe we do. Why don't I put you on hold? And this purchase is gonna be how much?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

I haven't gotten that far yet.

[Melissa]

Oh, but she said it was 22 something.

[Jen]

22 something dollars.

[Burt]

$22.17. Is there a way that we can split this up into six even payments on our credit card?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

No.

[Jen]

You are just so not amused by us at all. Not even a little bit. I mean, not even a little bit, right?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

No. I think you're playing.

[Jen]

No, we're not playing.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

What's Your telephone number?

[Jen]

404-741-7100.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

That doesn't come from my system. What's your zip code?

[Jen]

30342.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

What's your last name?

[Jen]

Hundred.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Hundred.

[Burt]

Mm.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

No, you don't have an account with us. I'm sorry.

[Jen]

All right, well, we're gonna start an account. Cause I want that fuchsia shirt.

[Burt]

And just because of the great customer service, we're gonna order two.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

What city do you live in?

[Jen]

Atlanta. What city do you live in?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

We're in Chesapeake, Virginia.

[Jen]

Is there some weird sexual chemistry going on between you and I right now? Is that what. Is that what I'm feeling?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

No, but I think I'm gonna let this call go.

[Jen]

Are you sure there's a.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Would you like to speak to a supervisor?

[Jen]

No. I want to talk to you.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

No.

[Jen]

Come on.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

I'm gonna transfer you to a supervisor, okay? Okay. All right, I'll transfer you two. One moment, please.

[Jen]

What's your name?

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

My name is Linda.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Linda. Linda.

[Jen]

Bye, Linda.

[Linda (QVC Representative)]

Bye.

[Burt]

Listen, we can't fault her.

[Jen]

She was flirty.

[Melissa]

She wanted.

[Jen]

She wanted me so bad. That's the same attitude I've gotten my whole life. That's how I know a woman wants me.

[Burt]

Just so you know.

[Jen]

They sound like that. They dig me.

[Burt]

When you were out with your busted up knee, we got Melissa a nice tunic. And the woman was adorable. She was so nice. And she answered all of our questions and helped with sizes and everything.

[Jen]

Well, I think Linda there fears intimacy. And she felt what I was feeling. And I think that's why she was so rude. That's why the wall was up.

[Burt]

Why did she hate us? I was waiting for her to break off. And a little girl. Little girl. You a little girl.

[Jen]

Listen, it's the vert show.

[Burt]

Hey everybody.

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[Jen]

Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hunke on her every word.

[Carvana Announcer]

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