The Bert Show – "Vault: Bert's Booty Test"

Date: October 28, 2025
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Crew
Theme: Intimate Health Insecurities, Humor, and Vulnerability

Episode Overview

In this fan-favorite “Vault” episode, the Bert Show crew dives into a refreshingly candid and hilarious discussion about personal insecurities—specifically Bert’s discomfort surrounding medical exams involving his “booty region.” What begins as a comical recounting of a prostate exam spirals into confessions about childhood experiences, deeper musings on health anxieties, and plenty of classic show banter, highlighting the group’s willingness to be real with their audience while finding laughter in even the most awkward moments.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Booty Test: Medical Insecurity Meets Morning Radio

• Bert kicks off his story by sharing the anxiety before annual physicals, specifically the dreaded prostate exam:
  • "Everybody has their insecurities. Mine happens to be the whole booty region and with good reason. I have to go in for the full on checkup again today...I have never booty tested." (01:45)
  • The cast jokes about the differences in male and female experiences with uncomfortable medical exams, comparing the prostate check to gynecological visits:
    • "Well, that's kind of equal to the gynecological exam there, Jeff." (03:54)

2. Childhood Trauma and Oversharing

• Bert gets personal, recounting a childhood medical issue involving his father:
  • "I was born with a really, really teeny rosebud, and my dad had to stretch it with his pinky every night when I was a kid in order for me to poop." (02:27)
• The crew is simultaneously shocked and amused. Bert's willingness to overshare prompts empathetic jokes:
  • "Are you sure he had to do it?" (02:46, G)
  • "It happened when I was, like, seriously, like, infant to three. It was like three years. And I still remember the panic." (03:16)
• The story draws incredulity and laughter:
  • "Whatever. I'm laughing at you right now." (06:00, D)

3. Finding Humor in Discomfort

• The team pokes fun at Bert’s strange formative experiences, with snappy retorts and sarcastic questions:
  • "You know, women are always talking about how bad they got it with the pregnancy... But don't you think God was playing a pretty mean joke when he took the prostate and put it inside your ass?" (03:29, E)
  • “Well, you know what? Do you want it on top of your forehead?” (03:44, C)
  • Jokes about what counts as “equal suffering” between men and women when it comes to annual health checks:
    • “Pap smear. That is not fun.” (04:10, F)
    • “Aren't the thing where they crank it all open—the jaws of life inside of you.” (04:11, F)

4. Honesty and Reluctant Vulnerability

• Bert confesses how his childhood experiences affect his adult relationships:
  • "Where Stacy, my wife, to this day has still not seen my booty. I am so sensitive to that whole region." (05:18)
• The group discusses embarrassment, support, and the difficulty of being truly open, even when promising not to make fun:
  • “I only said it because they made a promise that they would never make fun of me because I shared something so embarrassing.” (05:55)
  • "All bets are off." (06:06, C)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the build-up to the exam:
  "When you open up the doctor’s door … and you see a big pile of KY on a paper towel and a rubber glove next to it—you know, game on. And that's when the panic just upset." (04:56, C)

• On gendered suffering:
  "Well, that's kind of equal to the gynecological exam there, Jeff." (03:54, D)

• On self-awareness:
  "Do you think maybe that has a reason that there's tension between you and your father?" (06:26, E)
  "There's far more than that. But I think it's probably where it started." (06:30, C)

• On comedic exaggeration:
  "Do you think my kids will express it that way too? Daddy, tell me the digit in the ass story again." (06:18, C)
  "It's a new sitcom on Fox." (06:24, G)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:45: Bert introduces his insecurity about medical exams
• 02:27: Bert details his childhood medical procedures
• 03:29: Gender comparison on “suffering” (prostate vs. pregnancy)
• 04:10: Team debate over “worst” exam experiences (pap smears, “jaws of life”)
• 04:56: Bert’s vivid medical exam imagery
• 05:18: Impact on Bert’s marriage and boundaries
• 05:55: Caller laughs at Bert’s story; joke about promises to not mock
• 06:26: Crew speculates on deeper psychological roots

Tone & Final Thoughts

The episode is irreverent yet earnest, blending Bert’s honest anxieties and backstory with the group’s raucous and playful chemistry. Even as the subject matter borders on TMI, the humor and camaraderie make for a memorable segment—where no topic is too uncomfortable, and laughter is, as always, the best medicine.