Vault: Bert's Booty Test

Summary

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The Bert Show – "Vault: Bert's Booty Test"

Date: October 28, 2025
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Crew
Theme: Intimate Health Insecurities, Humor, and Vulnerability

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Episode Overview

In this fan-favorite “Vault” episode, the Bert Show crew dives into a refreshingly candid and hilarious discussion about personal insecurities—specifically Bert’s discomfort surrounding medical exams involving his “booty region.” What begins as a comical recounting of a prostate exam spirals into confessions about childhood experiences, deeper musings on health anxieties, and plenty of classic show banter, highlighting the group’s willingness to be real with their audience while finding laughter in even the most awkward moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Booty Test: Medical Insecurity Meets Morning Radio

• Bert kicks off his story by sharing the anxiety before annual physicals, specifically the dreaded prostate exam:
  • "Everybody has their insecurities. Mine happens to be the whole booty region and with good reason. I have to go in for the full on checkup again today...I have never booty tested." (01:45)
  • The cast jokes about the differences in male and female experiences with uncomfortable medical exams, comparing the prostate check to gynecological visits:
    • "Well, that's kind of equal to the gynecological exam there, Jeff." (03:54)

2. Childhood Trauma and Oversharing

• Bert gets personal, recounting a childhood medical issue involving his father:
  • "I was born with a really, really teeny rosebud, and my dad had to stretch it with his pinky every night when I was a kid in order for me to poop." (02:27)
• The crew is simultaneously shocked and amused. Bert's willingness to overshare prompts empathetic jokes:
  • "Are you sure he had to do it?" (02:46, G)
  • "It happened when I was, like, seriously, like, infant to three. It was like three years. And I still remember the panic." (03:16)
• The story draws incredulity and laughter:
  • "Whatever. I'm laughing at you right now." (06:00, D)

3. Finding Humor in Discomfort

• The team pokes fun at Bert’s strange formative experiences, with snappy retorts and sarcastic questions:
  • "You know, women are always talking about how bad they got it with the pregnancy... But don't you think God was playing a pretty mean joke when he took the prostate and put it inside your ass?" (03:29, E)
  • “Well, you know what? Do you want it on top of your forehead?” (03:44, C)
  • Jokes about what counts as “equal suffering” between men and women when it comes to annual health checks:
    • “Pap smear. That is not fun.” (04:10, F)
    • “Aren't the thing where they crank it all open—the jaws of life inside of you.” (04:11, F)

4. Honesty and Reluctant Vulnerability

• Bert confesses how his childhood experiences affect his adult relationships:
  • "Where Stacy, my wife, to this day has still not seen my booty. I am so sensitive to that whole region." (05:18)
• The group discusses embarrassment, support, and the difficulty of being truly open, even when promising not to make fun:
  • “I only said it because they made a promise that they would never make fun of me because I shared something so embarrassing.” (05:55)
  • "All bets are off." (06:06, C)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the build-up to the exam:
  "When you open up the doctor’s door … and you see a big pile of KY on a paper towel and a rubber glove next to it—you know, game on. And that's when the panic just upset." (04:56, C)

• On gendered suffering:
  "Well, that's kind of equal to the gynecological exam there, Jeff." (03:54, D)

• On self-awareness:
  "Do you think maybe that has a reason that there's tension between you and your father?" (06:26, E)
  "There's far more than that. But I think it's probably where it started." (06:30, C)

• On comedic exaggeration:
  "Do you think my kids will express it that way too? Daddy, tell me the digit in the ass story again." (06:18, C)
  "It's a new sitcom on Fox." (06:24, G)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:45: Bert introduces his insecurity about medical exams
• 02:27: Bert details his childhood medical procedures
• 03:29: Gender comparison on “suffering” (prostate vs. pregnancy)
• 04:10: Team debate over “worst” exam experiences (pap smears, “jaws of life”)
• 04:56: Bert’s vivid medical exam imagery
• 05:18: Impact on Bert’s marriage and boundaries
• 05:55: Caller laughs at Bert’s story; joke about promises to not mock
• 06:26: Crew speculates on deeper psychological roots

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Tone & Final Thoughts

The episode is irreverent yet earnest, blending Bert’s honest anxieties and backstory with the group’s raucous and playful chemistry. Even as the subject matter borders on TMI, the humor and camaraderie make for a memorable segment—where no topic is too uncomfortable, and laughter is, as always, the best medicine.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

The Bird Show Everybody has their insecurities. Mine happens to be thy whole booty region and with good reason. I have to go in for the full on checkup again today. You get the bomb touch and that means you go on it and yep, I have never booty tested.

[D]

It was the booty test because you know, I've had those before and I've never had to have anybody insert anything up my it.

[E]

Well it's because women don't have prostates.

[D]

Yeah, it's. It says the prostate test. Okay.

[F]

You are gonna enjoy that test.

[C]

I told. I told these guys before, and they promised not to make fun of me, that that whole region is very sensitive to me, because when I was much younger. Much younger, Jeff. Much like almost an infant.

[G]

18.

[C]

No, that I was born with a really, really teeny rosebud, and my dad had to stretch it with his pinky every night when I was a kid in order for me to poop. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I told this story before, so now I. I hate any. I hate anything associated with that region. Man.

[G]

Are you sure he had to do it?

[C]

Yeah, it's not something you volunteer for.

[G]

Well, I'm saying somebody really told him, hey, stretch your son's rose.

[C]

Yeah, they tried enemas for a while, and they weren't working and all that, so y. He had to vastly. Yeah, it was hard.

[F]

The only definition to Orson Welles film.

[G]

Your dad at Backstreet all the time.

[B]

I don't.

[C]

It's awful.

[B]

Awful.

[E]

Now, your dad having to do it is a stretch because I have seen some.

[A]

With your head.

[D]

She said stretch.

[E]

Because I have seen the ads in the back of Creative Loafing, and there are plenty of people who would do that.

[C]

Awful. Awful. I mean, it happened when I was, like, seriously, like, infant to three. It was like three years. And I still remember the. I can remember the panic.

[D]

First gonna say to the doctor, no, daddy, don't.

[C]

You know what?

[E]

You know, women are always talking about how bad they got it with the pregnancy and, you know, the monthly thing and all that and the mood swings. But you know what? Don't you think God was playing a pretty mean joke when he took the prostate and put it inside your ass?

[C]

Well, you know what? Do you want it on top of your forehead?

[E]

Well, you know, it could be anywhere more convenient. Why couldn't it be under your tongue?

[D]

How often do you have to do the prostate check?

[C]

Once a year for a physical check.

[D]

Well, that's kind of equal to the gynecological exam there, Jeff.

[F]

Yeah, and don't. Let's not. Let's not. Come on. Gynecological exams are probably the most painful there is. No, there is a call something called a pap smear. That is not fun.

[D]

What is it that you call that?

[F]

Aren't the thing where they crank it all open the jaws of life inside of you. You have to take a gynecological exam.

[D]

Yeah, they stretch out.

[C]

Yeah, I know. I already know the feeling. I already know he had it happen.

[E]

To him in 12 months.

[C]

There is no more panic for me than. Because it's. I think. I think it's a yearly check where they do it. Maybe it's not because I knew it is. I know that there are certain times where I'll go into the doctor's office and I'm unsure if they're going to do it or not. And the doctor knows ahead if he's going to have to perform that. So when I open up the doctor's door, you know, you get out of the lobby and he brings you over to the little examining room, and you have to sit there and, you know, think about it for an hour before he comes in there. When you open up the door, generally they have like, a big pile of KY on a paper towel. And once you see that, and there's a rubber glove right next to it. And once you see that, you know, game on. And that's when the panic just upset.

[E]

Man, you know what?

[C]

I would hate it.

[F]

I think you should try to enjoy it the next time you get it done.

[G]

Oh, yes. Put on some mood music and light a candle.

[C]

It sucks, man.

[E]

Light a candle.

[C]

Where Stacy, my wife, to this day has still not seen my booty. I am so sensitive to that whole region.

[G]

He said hole.

[C]

Morning. Yes, hello.

[F]

Hello.

[D]

I'm just coming off of work from Earthlink, and we're getting on 285, and I'm hearing you talk about your father, who's Pinky.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And you're. Oh, my God. I can't believe he said that on radio. I can't believe it.

[C]

Well, I only said it because they made a promise that they would never make fun of me because I shouldn't. Something so embarrassing.

[D]

Whatever. I'm laughing at you right now.

[C]

All bets are off.

[E]

You know, it's. I think you can make the promise never to mock someone until they share the story of their dad's digit in your ass. And then, like, I don't think there's.

[C]

Any way you think my. My kids will express it that way, too. Daddy, tell me the digit in the ass story again.

[G]

It's a new sitcom on Fox.

[E]

Do you think maybe that has a reason that there's tension between you and your father?

[C]

There's far more than that. But I think it's probably where it started. Like, maybe my mom came in with these big red enema bags, man.

[G]

To this day, well, they like the big Acme size.

[C]

It felt like it, you know? Cause at three years old, I mean, they look like they were, you know, like the size of a satellite. Oh my God. Every night.

[E]

You said infant. Not from now, from there.

[C]

Until three. Three years.

[E]

Your dad was stretching your ass at age three.

[C]

Three years. Now you know why I hate going in and getting that test. I'm so sensitive to that area.

[G]

Is that the average time to stretch out a rectum? 36 months?

[C]

I don't know. Go to google.com.

[A]

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[E]

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[G]

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[E]

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[G]

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[C]

You haven't changed your hair in 15 years.

[H]

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[G]

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[A]

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[C]

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