Vault: Bert's Hairy Arms

Summary

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The Bert Show: Vault: Bert's Hairy Arms

Release Date: October 28, 2025
Host: Bert and The Bert Show Cast (Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Melissa, Dana, Jeff)

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Main Theme

This episode revolves around Bert’s insecurity about his body hair—particularly on his arms—and his hilarious mishap with attempting to remove it using Nair for Men. The segment features candid sharing, playful ribbing from co-hosts, and the full recounting of Bert’s body hair adventures, blending embarrassment, humor, and relatability.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert Opens Up About His Hairy Arms

• Bert admits his discomfort with his arm hair, describing it as ape-like and a cause for embarrassment as he ages.
• Quote (Burt, 02:15): “Call me insecure or call me whatever you want, but I absolutely hate my own body hair. So I decided to do something about it.”
• He jokes that his arms are stuck half-evolved, “about the third ape” in the evolution chart.
• Co-hosts tease him about the volume of hair, Dana saying, “He has the average amount of body hair as most four-legged animals.” (Dana, 02:49)

2. Studio Teasing & Imagined Contests

• The team jokes about possible internet contests to match Bert’s arms to animal paws.
• Quote (Dana, 03:05): “We actually contemplated doing a contest on the Internet. Is it Burt's arm or a paw?”
• Lighter banter continues as co-hosts comment on his evolutionary status and consider awarding him for “dew claw” removal.

3. Nair for Men Appears at the Studio

• The set-up includes Nair for Men appearing around the station, prompting experimentation.
• Mark (a colleague) tries it out, then shows Bert the results, getting him interested.
• Quote (Burt, 04:58): “Nair for Men. The hair remover just started appearing.”

4. Bert’s Failed Attempt at Using Nair

• Burt tries out the Nair during a meeting, applying it like lotion (against the instructions), leading to Dan’s intervention.
• Quote (Dana, 05:06): “He starts rubbing it in like it's a lotion… and every step that Burt took — was incorrect. It was wrong.”
• Readers and listeners are reminded of the dangers of ignoring directions—Burt runs off to frantically wash his hands.

5. The “Nair Night” Adventure

• Burt announces to Jeff, “Tonight’s Nair night,” expressing his determination to finally deal with his arm hair.
• Leading up to dinner plans at “Harry and Sons,” he tries to quickly Nair his arm, juggling pre-dinner grooming and evening plans.
• He reports burning, panic, and the embarrassing struggle with ineffective removal.
• Quote (Burt, 06:20): “So I go up to the bathroom and I squirt the bottle of Nair on my left arm, okay? …my arm is starting to burn off…”

6. The Last-Minute Shave and Mishaps

• With Nair failing to work, Burt resorts to shaving his arms against the clock before dinner, dragging his partner Stacy into the chaos.
• Only finishes shaving one arm before dinner, vowing to complete the job after, but forgets.
• The next morning, he’s left with one smooth arm and one “ape” arm, covering with a sweater at work.
• Quote (Burt, 08:03): “So my left arm is now beautifully shaven. And my right arm is still the old Burt arm. And that's why I have it. The sweater on today.”

7. The Big Reveal in Studio

• Co-hosts, especially Melissa, are eager to see the “before and after.”
• Laughter as Bert compares both arms on air—one hairless, one still hairy.
• Quote (Burt, 08:58): “Look how good that looks. Isn't that awesome? The left arm looks awesome, doesn't it? You lost about three pounds. I know, right?”
• Jeff jokes about Bert developing “5 o’clock shadow” on his arm; everyone marvelling at the transformation.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bert’s Evolution Chart Joke (03:11): “My arms have not completely evolved yet. You know, when you see that evolution chart, I'm about the third ape on my arms.”
• Dana on Studio Pranks (04:28): “Things turn up at radio stations. So like three days ago, Nair started appearing.”
• Dana on Men Ignoring Instructions (07:16): “Most of the time people read directions before they're not. If you're a man, that is a woman thing there. That is not a man thing.”
• Jeff’s Zinger (08:44): “Melissa, you're going to have five o'clock shadow on your arm.”
• Group Reaction to the Reveal (08:50–09:14):
  • “Oh my God…”
  • “It looks so much skinnier.”
  • “You lost about three pounds!”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:14 | Bert introduces his body hair insecurities | | 03:05 | Studio jokes: “Is it Bert’s arm or a paw?” | | 04:58 | Nair for Men appears—prompting Bert to try it | | 05:06 | Bert incorrectly applies Nair, panics, washes hand | | 06:01 | The “Nair night” is announced; pre-dinner mishaps | | 06:20 | Description of burning, mess, and failed removal | | 07:16 | Haste leads to shaving; comic commentary on male behavior | | 08:03 | The mix-up leads to one shaved arm, one not; sweater concealment | | 08:41–09:14| Studio reveal: Bert displays new vs. old arm; group marvels and jokes |

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Tone & Atmosphere

The segment keeps a playful, irreverent, and self-deprecating tone throughout—listeners are treated as “insiders” for the story’s chaotic, real-life details. The camaraderie of the team, willingness to rib each other, and witty banter make for a fun, lighthearted episode centered around one man’s quest for smoother arms and the comedy of everyday life.

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Transcript

[Burt]

Morning Zoe. Got donuts.

[Jeff]

Jeff Bridges why are you still living above our garage?

[Burt]

Well I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you teach me.

[Jeff]

So Dana oh no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at t mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Burt]

Wow, impressive. Let me try. T Mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network.

[Melissa]

Nice.

[Jeff]

J free.

[Dana]

You heard them.

[Burt]

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[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition.

[Burt]

So what are we having for lunch?

[Jeff]

Dude, my work here is done.

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[Melissa]

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[Burt]

The Birch Show.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Call me insecure or call me whatever you want, but I absolutely hate my own body hair. So I decided to do something about it. I have a tremendous amount of hair on my arms, okay? And the. The thing is, it cuts off right at about what is supposed to be my bicep.

[Jeff]

And there's no hair after that and after that.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

But if you look at me in a short sleeve shirt, I mean, I am an. I'm an ape. And it's gotten worse over the last couple years. As I'm getting older, I'm getting hairier on my arms. It's not growing really anywhere else badly except on my arms. It's really embarrassing.

[Dana]

You've got to understand, those of you who've never met Burt in person. He has got the average amount of body hair is most four legged animals.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

No, that's not true.

[Dana]

That's not true on his arms.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

It's not true on my arms. And that's the point I'm trying to make, is that on my arms, because the rest of me, I think, is fairly normal.

[Dana]

We actually contemplated doing a contest on the Internet. Is it Burt's arm or a paw?

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

My arms have not completely evolved yet. You know, when you see that evolution chart, I'm about the third ape on my arms.

[Dana]

He's going in next month to have his dew cloth removed.

[Co-host/Producer]

Now, for those of you and also in the studio, Burt comes in every morning. He usually has a T shirt on and a sweater over it. He takes his sweater off, right?

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Because I get hot.

[Co-host/Producer]

And he wears a T shirt. Now, today, he still has a sweater on. And I wondered about that.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Okay, now I gotta give you a couple of other pieces of information.

[Jeff]

Oh, no.

[Co-host/Producer]

All right.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

So in light of me already being insecure about the hair on my arms, because I'm just automatically assuming if I have a short sleeve shirt on and people see my hairy arms, they're assuming, like Jeff just said, I've got hair all over my body like that. And honestly, I know it sounds insecure. I don't want people to think that.

[Jeff]

Down in Fraggle right back and stuff.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

I don't, but I don't really know.

[Melissa]

You don't.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

So Mark down the hall is also shares my hair, you know, affinity. He's got hair. He's hairy all over, though. I think he's got way more hair on his legs. Way more hair on his arms.

[Jeff]

He has it coming out of the back of his collar.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

While he was doing a shift the other day, somebody dropped off some Nair for Men for this guy, and he put a little S into his arm and his leg to see if it would work. And it did. And he brought it in here to show me, and I thought it looked great.

[Dana]

Now, you have to understand, the day before, a day or two prior, for whatever reason, when you work at a radio station, things turn up, like, you know, because people like to drop stuff off, and it's a great marketing tool. If you have stuff that you want to talk about on the radio, drop some off, because there's a chance. For example, there's a restaurant right next door now sending out food for us. And, you know, they're gonna hope that we're gonna taste the food and then sometime before the end of the show, thank them for bringing it in. It's a nice plug. So things turn up at radio stations. So like three days ago, Nair started appearing.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Nair for Men.

[Dana]

Nair for Men. The hair remover just started appearing.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Right.

[Jeff]

It was just sitting on tables in everywhere.

[Dana]

So we're in the conference room, Bert and I are having the meeting after the Monday meeting, and he sees it and he looks at the bottle, and while we're meeting, he squirts them off onto his hand. He starts rubbing it in like it's a lotion. He's like, wonder if this stuff really works. And then I said, let me see that. He slides the bottle across the table, and I read the instructions. And every step that Bert took to apply the Nair was incorrect. It was wrong.

[Co-host/Producer]

But I was gonna say if he rubbed it in like lotion, that was.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

The.

[Dana]

First thing in bold. Do not rub in. So Burt panicked and ran out of the room to wash the stuff off his hand. And I thought that was the end of it. And, you know, he took the Nair with him. I thought it ended up in a garbage can or, you know, oh, my God, somewhere else at work. Apparently it didn't.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

But then yesterday, we're in another meeting, and I whisper over to Jeff, I go, jeff, tonight's Nair night. And he goes, what? And I said, I'm Nairin tonight. Tonight's the night. I'm gonna go Nair.

[Jeff]

It's supposed to be rather painful.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

All right, I'm not done with all the details. So Stacey and I decided last night at around 4 o' clock that we were gonna go down to the Virginia Highlands and go to Harry and Sons and have some sushi.

[Co-host/Producer]

Harry and Sons.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Oh, there you go. That's funny. That's a nice tie in Harry and Sons.

[Jeff]

I think I'm gonna be sick to my stomach.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Now, I know that traffic gets really bad here around 6 o' clock and there's nothing I hate more than traffic. But I just got back from the gym, so I still needed to take a shower, but I wanted to Nair before we took off. Okay? So I go up to the bathroom and I squirt the bottle of Nair on my left arm, okay? And I'm wait. Because you have to wait four or five minutes for it to dissolve. So I'm waiting and I'm reading a magazine, and my arm is starting to burn off, and I take a washcloth and I start to take the hair off.

[Dana]

Hold on, hold on one second. I want the picture of Melissa's face when the sweatshirt comes off. We'll take Bert's arm later.

[Co-host/Producer]

Oh, my God.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Okay. And I start taking the hair and it's not coming off, and I start to panic, all right? And I start rubbing as hard as I can to try to get it off. And the hair on my arm is not coming off. And then I soap it down. And then I read the instructions and it says, do not rub off and do not rub down. So I run into the shower.

[Co-host/Producer]

You don't know that most of the time people read directions before they're not.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

If you're a man, that is a woman thing there. That is not a man thing.

[Dana]

Guys, don't.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

So now the clock is ticking, and I really have. And I really want to go get sushi. So I'm thinking, you know what? I'm just going to run into the shower and I'll shave my arm. I will shave my arms before we go out.

[Dana]

Why is it this important? Why is it so important to you to have the hair off your arms before you eat sushi?

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Because at this point now, because of.

[Jeff]

The name Off now, can't wait to see what it looks like when it grows back in.

[Dana]

I will not eat another spicy tuna roll with one hair on my arm.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

It'll all tie in for you here in a second. But after you put the Nair on and I completely made a debacle of it, it, like, got really dark and really clumpy and really sticky. So I had to shave both arms before we take off, and it took forever. So now Stacy's starting to yell at me that we're getting late, we're gonna run into all sorts of traffic.

[Co-host/Producer]

Oh, no.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

So I finally. She comes in and she helps me get the stuff off the back of my arms. And my left arm is done. And I'm thinking, okay, what I'll do is I'll wear a sweater out to dinner and when I come home, I will shave my right arm. And we go out to dinner and we come home and I forget. So I wake up and I go in the shower this morning and I go, ah. Cause my left arm is all clean and my right arm is stuck still like an ape. And I don't have time before coming into work this morning to shave it. So my left arm is now beautifully shaven. And my right arm is still the old Burt arm. And that's why I have it. The sweater on today.

[Dana]

The sweater needs to come off.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

You want to see it?

[Jeff]

Let's see it.

[Dana]

Hold on. You got the camera on.

[Jeff]

Melissa, you're going to have five o' clock shadow on your arm.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Okay, here's old arm.

[Jeff]

Oh my God.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

There's old arm there. Okay. And here's new arm. Oh my God.

[Dana]

Okay.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Look how good that looks. Isn't that awesome? The left arm looks awesome, doesn't it? You lost about three pounds. I know, right?

[Jeff]

It looks so much skinnier.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

It does, doesn't it? Oh my God. Oh my God.

[Burt]

The Burt Show. Morning, Zoe. Got donuts.

[Jeff]

Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?

[Burt]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commerc like you. Teach me. So, Dana.

[Jeff]

Oh no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at T Mob. We'll get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Burt]

Wow, impressive. Let me try. T mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network.

[Co-host/Producer]

Nice.

[Jeff]

Jeffrey, you heard them.

[Burt]

T mobile is the best place to.

[Burt (continuing personal story)]

Get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition.

[Burt]

So what are we having for launch?

[Jeff]

Dude, my work here is done.

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