The Bert Show: Vault: Bert's Hairy Arms

Release Date: October 28, 2025
Host: Bert and The Bert Show Cast (Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Melissa, Dana, Jeff)

Main Theme

This episode revolves around Bert’s insecurity about his body hair—particularly on his arms—and his hilarious mishap with attempting to remove it using Nair for Men. The segment features candid sharing, playful ribbing from co-hosts, and the full recounting of Bert’s body hair adventures, blending embarrassment, humor, and relatability.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert Opens Up About His Hairy Arms

• Bert admits his discomfort with his arm hair, describing it as ape-like and a cause for embarrassment as he ages.
• Quote (Burt, 02:15): “Call me insecure or call me whatever you want, but I absolutely hate my own body hair. So I decided to do something about it.”
• He jokes that his arms are stuck half-evolved, “about the third ape” in the evolution chart.
• Co-hosts tease him about the volume of hair, Dana saying, “He has the average amount of body hair as most four-legged animals.” (Dana, 02:49)

2. Studio Teasing & Imagined Contests

• The team jokes about possible internet contests to match Bert’s arms to animal paws.
• Quote (Dana, 03:05): “We actually contemplated doing a contest on the Internet. Is it Burt's arm or a paw?”
• Lighter banter continues as co-hosts comment on his evolutionary status and consider awarding him for “dew claw” removal.

3. Nair for Men Appears at the Studio

• The set-up includes Nair for Men appearing around the station, prompting experimentation.
• Mark (a colleague) tries it out, then shows Bert the results, getting him interested.
• Quote (Burt, 04:58): “Nair for Men. The hair remover just started appearing.”

4. Bert’s Failed Attempt at Using Nair

• Burt tries out the Nair during a meeting, applying it like lotion (against the instructions), leading to Dan’s intervention.
• Quote (Dana, 05:06): “He starts rubbing it in like it's a lotion… and every step that Burt took — was incorrect. It was wrong.”
• Readers and listeners are reminded of the dangers of ignoring directions—Burt runs off to frantically wash his hands.

5. The “Nair Night” Adventure

• Burt announces to Jeff, “Tonight’s Nair night,” expressing his determination to finally deal with his arm hair.
• Leading up to dinner plans at “Harry and Sons,” he tries to quickly Nair his arm, juggling pre-dinner grooming and evening plans.
• He reports burning, panic, and the embarrassing struggle with ineffective removal.
• Quote (Burt, 06:20): “So I go up to the bathroom and I squirt the bottle of Nair on my left arm, okay? …my arm is starting to burn off…”

6. The Last-Minute Shave and Mishaps

• With Nair failing to work, Burt resorts to shaving his arms against the clock before dinner, dragging his partner Stacy into the chaos.
• Only finishes shaving one arm before dinner, vowing to complete the job after, but forgets.
• The next morning, he’s left with one smooth arm and one “ape” arm, covering with a sweater at work.
• Quote (Burt, 08:03): “So my left arm is now beautifully shaven. And my right arm is still the old Burt arm. And that's why I have it. The sweater on today.”

7. The Big Reveal in Studio

• Co-hosts, especially Melissa, are eager to see the “before and after.”
• Laughter as Bert compares both arms on air—one hairless, one still hairy.
• Quote (Burt, 08:58): “Look how good that looks. Isn't that awesome? The left arm looks awesome, doesn't it? You lost about three pounds. I know, right?”
• Jeff jokes about Bert developing “5 o’clock shadow” on his arm; everyone marvelling at the transformation.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bert’s Evolution Chart Joke (03:11): “My arms have not completely evolved yet. You know, when you see that evolution chart, I'm about the third ape on my arms.”
• Dana on Studio Pranks (04:28): “Things turn up at radio stations. So like three days ago, Nair started appearing.”
• Dana on Men Ignoring Instructions (07:16): “Most of the time people read directions before they're not. If you're a man, that is a woman thing there. That is not a man thing.”
• Jeff’s Zinger (08:44): “Melissa, you're going to have five o'clock shadow on your arm.”
• Group Reaction to the Reveal (08:50–09:14):
  • “Oh my God…”
  • “It looks so much skinnier.”
  • “You lost about three pounds!”

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:14 | Bert introduces his body hair insecurities | | 03:05 | Studio jokes: “Is it Bert’s arm or a paw?” | | 04:58 | Nair for Men appears—prompting Bert to try it | | 05:06 | Bert incorrectly applies Nair, panics, washes hand | | 06:01 | The “Nair night” is announced; pre-dinner mishaps | | 06:20 | Description of burning, mess, and failed removal | | 07:16 | Haste leads to shaving; comic commentary on male behavior | | 08:03 | The mix-up leads to one shaved arm, one not; sweater concealment | | 08:41–09:14| Studio reveal: Bert displays new vs. old arm; group marvels and jokes |

Tone & Atmosphere

The segment keeps a playful, irreverent, and self-deprecating tone throughout—listeners are treated as “insiders” for the story’s chaotic, real-life details. The camaraderie of the team, willingness to rib each other, and witty banter make for a fun, lighthearted episode centered around one man’s quest for smoother arms and the comedy of everyday life.