Vault: Bridesmaids Search

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show — Vault: Bridesmaids Search
Episode Date: November 5, 2025
Cast: Bert (host), Shelly (caller/bride), Jen, Leslie (caller), Camille (caller), and other Bert Show regulars

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into an offbeat wedding dilemma: Shelly, a soon-to-be bride, can’t find enough bridesmaids for her wedding. Instead of dwelling on tradition, Shelly humorously enlists the help of the show—and their listeners—to fill her bridal party, igniting a lively and genuine on-air matchmaking segment. The conversation is equal parts funny, honest, and heartfelt as the cast—and callers—help Shelly find her perfect stand-in bridesmaids.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Shelly’s Unusual Bridesmaid Problem (01:45–03:12)

• Shelly joins the show and shares her unique issue: “I'm guessing the biggest problem you have is actually finding a man to spend the rest of your life with. Not in Shelly's case.” (Bert, 01:46)
• Shelly admits, “I think the biggest reason is because I am so totally lazy. Friends take so much time, girl.” (Shelly, 02:36)
• She jokes that girlfriends are more high-maintenance than boyfriends.

2. Seeking Bridesmaids On-Air (03:12–05:20)

• Shelly remarks on the awkwardness of asking new acquaintances to be in her wedding, “Hi, I know we just met and we've only worked together three months, but could you be my maid of honor?” (Shelly, 02:55)
• The hosts turn it into a phone-in opportunity: if you want to be a bridesmaid, call in!

3. Shelly’s Criteria & Wedding Details (04:25–05:09)

• The big day: May 31.
• Shelly’s criteria: decent personality, no divas or “serial killers,” must fit into off-the-rack dresses due to time constraints, preferably someone who won’t “stick out” in photos (she’s Black and would like other Black bridesmaids if possible).
• Shelly jokes, “Beggars can't be choosers... if she's got a decent personality, no serial killers, you know, no divas.” (Shelly, 04:40)
• Sensitive mention: dress size matters due to last-minute shopping, but the tone is self-aware and comic.

4. Screening Potential Bridesmaids (05:40–06:45)

• Jen, the Bert Show staffer, is assigned to “screen” the candidates.
• The process resembles a radio contest, adding to the light-hearted, improv energy.

5. Call-In Candidates & On-the-Spot Auditions (06:16–08:41)

Leslie's Call (06:16–07:01)

• Leslie calls in, sharing her size and background (“I wear a size four or six”), and is Black, per Shelly’s preference.
• She aces the “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue” quiz, humorously suggesting, “something blue could be her panties.”

Camille's Call (07:11–07:49)

• Camille also wants to help. She offers a plausible cover story for how she knows Shelly: “I work a lot of places. So in one of the places I was working at, I met her. And we just kicked it off.”

• Both Leslie and Camille are asked to make impromptu toasts:

  • Leslie’s Toast:
    “May you and your new husband, may your lives be joined by all of your good friends and family.” (Leslie, 08:06)

  • Camille’s Toast:
    “May they have all the wonderful joys expected and unexpected. May they have happy ups and happy downs that they turn around and, you know, be great afterwards...” (Camille, 08:22)

• Shelly is delighted: “I’m really surprised that I actually got any responses. That’s so cool.” (Shelly, 08:52)

6. Resolution (08:41–09:00)

• Bert asks Shelly if the candidates work for her. Shelly cheerfully accepts both Leslie and Camille.
• The show and Shelly revel in the fun and success of this “rent-a-bridesmaid” moment, with plenty of laughter and camaraderie.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Shelly’s dry humor on friends:
  “Friends take so much time, girl. How'd you find a man if you don't want to put the time? Well, that's a little bit easier. They require a little bit less time than girlfriends.” (Shelly, 02:36)
• On avoiding upstaged weddings:
  “Can you imagine somebody comes to her wedding thinking it's their big day?” (Shelly, 04:47)
• Bringing listeners into the wedding:
  “Calling a radio station and getting listeners to be your bridesmaids is so much more comfortable.” (Shelly, 03:03)
• The joy of radio matchmaking:
  “I’m really surprised that I actually got any responses. That’s so cool.” (Shelly, 08:52)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 01:45 – 03:12: Shelly’s bridesmaid dilemma introduced
• 03:12 – 05:20: The cast brainstorms and defines bridesmaid search criteria
• 05:40 – 06:45: Jen screens contestants, makes it official “Rent a Bridesmaid”
• 06:16 – 08:41: Live auditions — Leslie and Camille call in, answer questions and give toasts
• 08:41 – 09:00: Shelly picks her bridesmaids, segment closes

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Summary & Takeaway

This comedic and heartfelt episode showcases The Bert Show’s signature mix of real-life relatability, improvisational humor, and audience participation. Shelly’s willingness to break tradition, the hosts’ playful screening, and listeners’ enthusiastic responses contribute to a memorable, laugh-out-loud segment that reflects both the quirks and joys of modern friendship and community.

Perfect for listeners who love authentic life stories, clever banter, and the unpredictability of live radio.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

The Birch show if you're single when it comes to lifelong commitments, I'm guessing the biggest problem you have is actually finding a man to spend the rest of your life with. Not in Shelley's case. She found her man. She was getting married. In her case, her biggest obstacle was actually finding women to be in her wedding. Hi Shelly.

[D]

Hi Bert. How are you?

[C]

Good. Good morning. How are you?

[D]

I'm pretty good. I think I have. Sorry. So please excuse me If I go into a coughing fit, that will certainly.

[C]

Entice people to win.

[A]

Being wedding.

[D]

You said I had these qualifications. You made it sound like I had a checklist. I'm desperate. Beggars can't be choosers. I don't have a checklist. Okay, okay. Cause that was my issue. I was like, hold on a second. I know it makes it sound like, well, no wonder she can't get a bridesmaid. She's totally out of. Right.

[C]

Right, Shelley? Well, tell us why you haven't been able to find some other bridesmaids to be in the wedding.

[D]

Well, I thought about it after I talked to Tracy yesterday, and I think the biggest reason is because I am so totally lazy. Friends take so much time, girl. How'd you find a man if you don't want to put the time? Well, that's a little bit easier. They require a little bit less time than girlfriends.

[E]

Girlfriends. Girlfriends are sometimes high maintenance. I would agree with her that I.

[D]

Guess there are people I could ask, but I would feel so self conscious doing it. Like, hi, I know we just met and we've only worked together three months, but could you be my maid of honor?

[C]

Yeah. That is weird.

[D]

Yeah, that's weird. And like, calling a radio station and getting listeners to be your bridesmaids, so much more comfortable.

[C]

That's so far on the other side of superficial that it makes it okay.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

Right.

[C]

Now, how many bridesmaids were you originally supposed to have?

[D]

We were supposed to originally have five, but through, you know, like, subterfuge, I've managed to get it down to three. So I've got one person. We've been working together for a while. Like, a couple of months ago, I thought, you know, hey, I don't have any bridesmaids. I should be really nice to this person. She's okay, at least.

[B]

Your honors.

[D]

I love it. You know, we've been going to lunch a little, and I've asked her, but she has no clue. Like, she's the only one. So she doesn't know yet. She's like the maid of honor and, you know, the honor attendant, and that's it.

[E]

Now, why do you need to have three? Are you uncomfortable if your husband to be has more than you? Like, it's not okay with him.

[D]

I don't even know you could do that. I mean, won't I look like a loser if he's got, like, you know, three people, four, five, 10 people standing up there, you know, And I got, like, the one person.

[C]

Yes.

[E]

Well, I know sometimes I'VE been to weddings where it's been unbalanced before, and it's off by, like, one.

[D]

Really?

[E]

Well, Crash I know is having, like, 10 groomsmen or something, and Lady Crash is only having, like, four bridesmaids.

[D]

Oh, really? But at least she's got four.

[C]

Yeah, you don't even have four to choose.

[D]

I mean, if I could get two and he had three, I mean, I can deal with that.

[C]

We need to give some details out, but we can't give away too much because women listening are gonna need to know, you know, like, when they need to be available and stuff like that.

[D]

Right. Unfortunately, we don't have a lot of time because, like I said, I'm lazy. Okay, so we're looking at May 31.

[C]

May 31.

[E]

May 31.

[C]

Okay. What are some of the things you're looking for in a bridesmaids? Like you said, you know, beggars can't be choosing beggars can't be.

[D]

So, I mean, if she's got a decent personality, no serial killers, you know, no divas. Can you imagine somebody comes to her.

[B]

Wedding thinking it's their big day?

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I wouldn't wait for that. I don't want to be upstaged. It can't be anybody. Please forgive me. Don't kill me, people, when you call in horribly, horrifically fat. Because the dresses have got to come off the rack at this point. I don't have time for anybody that's, you know, like a 48 double D, 600 pounds. Because, you know, she's just not going to find a dress in time.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

If I could find somebody that was in the same race that I am, I'm black. So if I could find another black person, then they wouldn't necessarily stick out so that everybody goes, where'd she get that girl?

[C]

Why the white women? Why isn't Shelly making any black friends?

[A]

I know.

[D]

Where's she coming from with all these Norwegians and stuff?

[C]

Because Jen has the most experience in here when it comes to bridesmaids and dresses and stuff like that. Would you feel comfortable having Jen screen the bridesmaids that call us up?

[D]

She can screen them. That's fine.

[E]

Okay, so I'll ask good questions for you, I promise. I've got some. Some in my head ready to go.

[A]

Are you skinny?

[F]

Are you black?

[D]

Don't make me sound like a terrible person.

[C]

It's like Rent a Bridesmaid.

[D]

I love it. You know, I actually thought about starting that business. Surely I'm not the only person that.

[C]

Has problems no, Lady Crash could use six.

[D]

I mean, it could be like a high class Rent a Bride escort service.

[A]

Now.

[C]

You're fine. Rent a friend, 404-74110. If you're interested in being a bridesmaid in Shelly's wedding. Good morning, Q100.

[G]

Good morning. How are you?

[H]

Good.

[C]

How are you?

[G]

I'm okay.

[C]

What's up?

[G]

I am calling to help her out. I would love to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.

[I]

Are you skinny?

[C]

Very good.

[G]

I am five, nine, and I wear a size four or six.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's.

[E]

And are you black?

[D]

I am.

[E]

Oh, right. All right, I've got a screener question for her. Whatever I was trying to say. And what's your name?

[G]

My name is Leslie.

[E]

Okay, Leslie. Name. Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.

[C]

Good.

[E]

Jen.

[C]

Hubby. Nice.

[G]

Something old could be an antique pendant. Something borrowed. Her father's handkerchief. If she cries, something new, the garter. And something blue could be her panties.

[E]

Very good.

[C]

Blue panties, blue little undies.

[E]

I like it.

[D]

That's good.

[E]

I like Leslie.

[C]

All right, Leslie, hold on one second.

[E]

Okay, I like her.

[C]

Got a couple more to screen here. We need two. Correct.

[B]

Correct.

[E]

Two.

[F]

Why don't we just do collar 100.

[D]

Like every other contest?

[C]

Hi, Q100.

[I]

My name's Camille.

[C]

How are you, Camille?

[D]

I'm fine.

[G]

And you?

[C]

We're doing just great.

[D]

Great.

[C]

You want to be in Shelly's wedding?

[I]

I sure would love to.

[C]

I think you sound great. Janet, what are you thinking?

[E]

That is great. Okay, I got one question for you.

[G]

Okay.

[E]

When Grandma comes up to you at the wedding and says, now, how do you know Shelly? How have y' all met? What's your story gonna be?

[I]

We've been friends for a little while, and I met her. I work a lot of places. So in one of the places I was working at, I met her. And we just kicked it off. We were just, like, standing there and just started talking. And all of a sudden it was.

[D]

Like, girl, for real? For real.

[I]

And it was like we were old friends from then on.

[D]

Like, now.

[I]

You sure I don't know you from somewhere? You know, that's what I tell her. Like, I've known her for a while.

[C]

All right, that's good.

[H]

Very good.

[E]

Can we see if they could do one more thing, though? You guys make a toast.

[C]

Leslie, why don't you be the first to give the toast here?

[F]

Leslie, throw a personal story in there.

[D]

Like throw a funny story about you and Chelli. Back in the days Shelly and I.

[G]

Have been friends for for so long. And I'm so happy for her and I just wish her all the best. And may you and your new husband, may your lives be joined by all of your good friends and family.

[C]

Camille, you want to give us a.

[I]

Toast here Also, of course, to Shelly and her new husband. May they have all the wonderful joys expected and unexpected. May they have happy ups and happy downs that they turn around and, you know, be great afterwards. And may they be one of the shining couples that everybody remembers as somebody.

[D]

They want to be like.

[C]

All right, ladies, hold on one second. Hey, Shell, you still there?

[D]

Am I still on the voice disguiser?

[C]

You're still on the voice disguiser, yes. Did you hear Leslie and Camille think they'll work for you?

[D]

I do.

[E]

I think they're that were perfect.

[D]

I mean, I thought so too. I mean, you may be. I'm really surprised that I actually got any responses. That's so cool.

[C]

I think we got it for you.

[D]

Thank you so much, guys.

[F]

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